JANUARY 15, 2021: “The Only One In Color” …

January 15, 2021November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I’d heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’m certain that I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I’m alive. It’s one of “those memories” that are seared into the moving pictures in my mind, such that whenever I do think of it, I can literally “see, hear, feel, smell, and taste it”.

We were driving down I-30 on a bright blue and crisp November day. The sunroof was open, the radio was blaring, the view out the windows was ethereal, and there was a hot cup of cocoa from the truck stop we’d just stopped at between the palms of my hands.

We were at that juncture in our relationship that just found us at peace and immersed in all the colors that were becoming “us”. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t NEED to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without having to say a word. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail, he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT EACHOTHER! We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed, it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that Gia and I were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.

***“… in a world of black an white, you are the only one in color”.***

What I love most about this song, though, is how powerfully it now speaks to the abundant growth I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to make peace with the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in the multitude of beautiful colors that I saw reflected in the mirror of his eyes.

If you are reading this and struggling to find the colors in your life right now, I want to encourage you to please get out of your heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find that broken little kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless, my friends … YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE!

The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from the people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror one day and say:

OMG! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and venture through this world like the priceless work of art you truly are! Now then, what do you think comes next here? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song, work yourself some magic, AND SING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far, is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!

ONLY ONE IN COLOR

I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well, I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}

JANUARY 12, 2021: “Unconditionally” …

January 12, 2021October 15, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …

DEATH HAPPENS.

Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really is “nothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes after you leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.

Now that I think about it, how many people can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believe that we were created to love unconditionally, but from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our journey of “loving”. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.

If you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do. But remember to start with YOU! If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point, so when I listen to it, I sing it to myself! Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me! Just try it and see what happens!

UNCONDITIONALLY

Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me? {Katy Perry}

JANUARY 9, 2021: “Drinking Straw Parasites” …

January 9, 2021July 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… and now a word from our sponsor:

Just thought I’d share this lovely PSA for your reading enjoyment! Are YOU letting parasites and LEECHES drink from your straws and feast on your life blood?

Good grief, I truly hope not. As for me, I stopped handing out my straws so freely a few years ago. It wasn’t immediate, of course, but rather, quite the gradual and painful process. Setting boundaries was difficult for me, because I’m an empath, and despite what some choose to believe, I don’t take pleasure from either hurting people or seeing people hurt. Even so, the “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Here … take one my straws” days are gone and OVER! There was a time not too long ago that I didn’t even realize how valuable my straws were, so I’d hand them to practically anyone.

That was then!

THIS IS NOW!

“This me” and “that me” seem to have finally come full circle, and I suppose in many ways I’ve now become a raving biotch. I also suppose, however, that it just depends on who’s near me and my straws! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m an actual living QUEEN, and queens don’t take scraps or bullshit from anyone!

These days, I’ll only ever give what I will get back, because my time, effort, attention, and energy are some of the most precious commodities around. My straws are reserved for other kings and queens, and I don’t do toxic with anyone. I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN kinda too good for it:

Hi everyone, it’s me, – CAT! I am THE nicest BITCH you’ll ever wanna know, but these drinking straws of mine are PRICELESS. So, if you really, REALLY want one of ’em, you best bring your A-Game for me, ’cause momma ain’t playin’ around no MO! I’m in this to WIN it, and lions don’t associate with sheep. Unless, of course, they’re having them for dinner! But hey, THAT’S a different story for another day!

Now then, please do enjoy this all too fitting drinking straw parasite serenade from perhaps my favorite “don’t you DARE take BULLSHIT from ANYONE” sponsors of all: The one … the only … the man, the myth, the legend … THE IVAN!

K … Bye!

JANUARY 8, 2021: “Leave Out All The Rest” …

January 8, 2021May 1, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

A year ago today, we took the very first bits of his ashes “home” to the gardens at Blarney Castle. When the memory of our trip popped up on Facebook, it prompted a sweet conversation with Christian. Although both the kids are doing much better than they were a year ago when everything was still so fresh and raw, he’s had a really tough time with Zack’s suicide. Not only were the two of them extremely close, but Christian had always said:

You two HAVE to stay together and happy forever … your relationship is the ONLY thing that restores my faith in love.

As you can imagine, August 23, 2019 jaded him even more than our life before Zack did. It was heartbreaking for me to watch their processes at the onset of this nightmare knowing that their Superman let them down in such an unfathomable way. However, watching the miracle of transformation in each of their hearts and how they’ve both been able to forgive him for so much more than anyone will ever know is one of my greatest blessings.

Yes, I do have an uncanny way of taking the best parts of everything and everyone and leaving out all the rest. I suppose the abundant and seemingly endless amount of grace I have for others is one of my best attributes, and I truly do always look for the best in everyone. But here’s the thing …

It’s not me,

IT’S HIM!

He’s the one who has graced me with grace and forgiveness, and His grace and forgiveness for the endless amounts of bullshit I’ve engaged in over the years is what I owe to others. Now, does that mean I’ll tolerate bad behavior towards me or mine? NOPE! Those days are gone for good! My boundaries are beyond firm at this point and there is absolutely no going backwards. This is how we choose to remember him … by taking only the pure joy and treasure he brought to all our lives in the years we “got” to have him.

One of the philosophical principals I adhere to the most is that of the famously paradoxical Heraclitus:

A man’s character is his fate.

I certainly hope there are as many admirable things about my character as there were about Zack’s that when my time comes, my legacy is as none the worse for the wear despite the many wrongs that I’ve done as his is. Indeed, in his INSANITY the man really fucked some things up before he left us, but guess what people? As for me and mine, we are mindfully and willfully choosing to carry only the very best parts of his character with us moving forward and just leaving out all the rest.

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST

I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen, ’cause no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I’m done here? So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know … When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Don’t be afraid. I’ve taken my beating. I’ve shared what I’ve made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you. So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know …When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 1, 2021: “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!” …

January 1, 2021April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at its roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.

I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my superpower, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. It’s my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT” paradigm shift! The cycle is broken.

It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last, but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …

“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”

IRIDESCENT

When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}

DECEMBER 31, 2020: “Burn It Down Black Sheep” …

December 31, 2020April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Oh, wait! I am “that aunt or uncle”! I mean, I have no nieces or nephews. So, tag! I’m it! I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn my entire life to the ground.

The Black Sheep!

Am I exactly where I want to be? Not even close! My detoxification process has been a bittersweet and often very lonely journey for my broken heart, mind and soul. In the beginning, it took every ounce of strength and conviction I didn’t have. Correction! I did have it, I just didn’t know it yet. She was laying in wait like a sleeping dragon, but, DAMN did she wake up!

Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you, too, are “this person”, you know exactly what I’m saying. While I am certainly no mental health professional, what I have learned in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise, I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:

Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?

{Dr. Michelle Robin … “Empaths Are Here For A Cosmic Purpose“}

COMMISSION ACCEPTED!

I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way I hope, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:

If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you!
Author Unknown

I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. IT WAS ME … and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

DECEMBER 30, 2020: “Shine Bright Like A Diamond” …

December 30, 2020April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just thinking about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.

Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.

Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.

So, yah, this is my vibe today! I’m gonna rise and shine, as usual, and always, SO bright that it actually does hurt people to look at me. And by the way, this legacy he left us? It only looks forward and never behind (unless we’re remembering all the laughter and joy). ‘Cause I’m a queen, raising a princess and a king, and that’s what I do, and SHINING will be my legacy!

DECEMBER 25, 2020: “Be Good To Yourself” …

December 25, 2020April 24, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that you matter to me! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year! If you’re gonna make just ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this:

Just

Be

KIND!

And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens. It’s our job, and our job alone to find our crowns and get them up onto our own heads! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind TO YOURSELF. After that, EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!

DECEMBER 24, 2020: “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” …

December 24, 2020May 1, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

… and all through the land, every creature was patiently awaiting the band …

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY AMAZING KNUCKLEHEAD FAMILY AROUND THE GLOBE … not the least of which is Ivan Moody, Chris Kael, Zoltan Bathory, Charlie Engen and Andy James. 2020 wasn’t half as bad as I suppose it could have been because of all of you! Wishing you all so much love and a POWERFUL 2021!

DECEMBER 20, 2020: “Alone, Not Lonely.” …

December 20, 2020January 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

The person you needed the most will teach you that you don’t need NOBODY.

I stumbled upon this seemingly poignant quote today by an unknown author. While at first it seemed a bit like a victim’s martyrdom, the longer I sat with it, the more I agreed, only not for the “oh, poor me” reason I believe the author originally intended.

You see, after everything I’ve learned about myself during my process of rebirth and creation, I’ve come to the profound conclusion that the person I needed the most all these years was ME. So, now that I’ve finally shown up for myself with the proverbial white horse, sword, and armor, I sure don’t “need nobody” but me. Wait! I need God and I need me.

Unless and until one can master the art of being “alone, but not lonely” and develop a secure relationship with themselves, they will never truly know whether they’re in a relationship with someone else because they want them or they need them.

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!

From this point on, anyone I choose to allow into my atmosphere will be there only if I believe they’ll punctuate my life in the same inspired way I punctuate others. My energy is precious, and because I’m mortal, it’s fleeting, so, I refuse to spend it flippantly.

No, I’m not lonely. What I am at this juncture is just “alone” in my process of taking this relationship with myself to epic levels. Truth being told, few are the people who are even strong enough to venture with me into all the uncharted territories I’ve yet to go.

Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you.

Yes, you can be your very own angel and muse, and for the record, “Karma” isn’t always a bad thing. She works both ways, but that’s a different story for another day. As far as I’m concerned, this muse that I’ve become to myself and the pure magic that I wield may have been waiting to find me for many lifetimes. God, Himself, knows how hard I’ve worked to find it though, so, it’ll be an ice-cold day in HELL before I let it go.

I am Catherine Marie Williamson and God’s actual favorite daughter. I am my own best friend. I am my own true freedom. I am my safest home, and a risen from ashes QUEEN. “All of this” is not for the faint of heart, my friends, and this queen ain’t playin’ small! I’d rather reign in my Queendom in solitude at the head of the table for the rest of my life here on Earth than reduce myself to “relationships” I have to force myself to choose out of boredom, desperation, or loneliness.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE TONIGHT

We all drink to forget – some of us more than most. When reality gets too real and the fires of hell to close. But I’m here to let you know that that you can make it through, if you believe that someone is watchin’ over you. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. We all have our days when nothing goes as planned. Not a soul in the world seems to understand. And for someone to talk to, you’d give anything. Well go on and cry out loud – ’cause someone’s listenin’. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. {Keith Urban}

… Meanwhile, 844 days later.

DECEMBER 19, 2020: “I’m Gonna Love You” …

December 19, 2020November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

James kisses Margaret before he comes to see us. James kisses Margaret before he does pretty much anything.

{The Daily James}

Dear God,

Knowing my heart the way You do, I’m sure You already knew how taken I was, once again, when I watched this video of one of my favorite “power couples” today. Oh, but the way James literally bows to that Queen he loves so desperately, yet at the same time, no matter how high he places her above himself, he is only ever right beside her. As You and I both know, and as I finally got to learn in the most ethereal way, when a king loves a queen love so deep and so true that each of their hearts but serve the other, the balance of power is never a struggle and there is no “servitude” at all. If only all those silly girls who balk at the thought of “submitting” to their king knew what I know to be true. Ugh.

As we’ve discussed, You know that I trust You implicitly. You and he both made me a queen, and there is no coming back from where I’ve been. I will not and cannot settle for anything less than everything where a potential partner on this journey is concerned, and I’d rather reign “alone, but not lonely” if that’s what Your plan shall be. That being said, if, indeed, there is one last king on Earth that You have waiting for me somewhere, can I please just ask that he really be a king? Like You? Like Zack? Like King James the one true sovereign RULER of Queen Margaret’s heart?

It’s seems an impossible order, but look Who I am talking to. I’ve had two kings before, and three is the perfect number, so, I guess I’ll just wait and see. In the meantime, I will cherish these moments when two real love birds washes over me completely, capture my imagination, and remind me of not only what I’ve had, but who I’ve become. I was someone’s Margaret. I am still YOUR Margaret and your very favorite daughter. I’m a a true and risen queen who was born to serve a king, and going forward I shall fly below nothing less than the wingspan of a “James”.

Just a chill in a winter breeze, standing in the cold debris that left behind so many beautiful memories.

Like every word that has ever left Your lips, there are fingerprints everywhere to evidence the love that’s brought me “here”. I really do only want to be remembered for being that one who will always ever say, “I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly” to that one last king who may be waiting to fly me into the remainder of what’s left of my heart’s bounty.

James almost always positions his head right below Margaret.

~ Love, Cat

(Your FAVORITE Daughter)

I’M GONNA LOVE YOU

Something still comes over me. Just a chill in a winter breeze. Standing in the cold debris left behind a memory. Every word that left your lips left behind your fingerprints. Every crime that love commits brings you right back here to this. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. I’ll never be one to yell surrender as long as you’re standing next to me. ‘Cause I’m gonna love you. I’m gonna love you endlessly. No escaping this embrace every time I see your face. Around the love I can’t erase. Wouldn’t want to anyway. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. {David Cook}

@TheDailyJames

DECEMBER 18, 2020: “128,000 Ripples” …

December 18, 2020April 20, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

“128,000 RIPPLES AND COUNTING”

It’s been 498 days since Fate started spinning the wheel for our family, and 484 days since the king fell off his throne. Yet, here I am still standing strong with this beautiful tiara on my head. More so than that, I’M MAKING RIPPLES AND WAVES, and so can you!

If you are reading this right now, have also been to HELL and back, but are still alive to to tell about it … TELL ABOUT IT! Don’t let your own “Survival Resume” have been in vain. You never know who’s listening and watching, or how far your ripples will reach into the future. Let your survival story be the reason someone else decides to fight and write their own!

DECEMBER 17, 2020: “Yummy Things With Eyeballs” …

December 17, 2020December 25, 2020 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because nothing that is given from her head, heart or hands isn’t just that – given from her head, heart and hands. The funny thing about these “yummies” she made for a very lucky few of us is that they aren’t actually the gift. You’d have to be fortunate enough to get to bask in the glow of her halo to understand what I’m saying. Oh, and, in case I forgot to tell you again …

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!

DECEMBER 16, 2020: “Once … In A Lifetime” …

December 15, 2020November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision – not mine. “Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”

I DID IT! I walked back in to the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over. I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives. And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:

Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?

Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him that never even tried to lead me:

Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!

So, with that, I will now remix the words to this all too fitting song in a manner that the KING who loved this formerly broken queen back to life would have said them, if, as I suspect, he was really was watching through his supernova telescope as I fought my way through one of the most powerful moments of my “lifetime” like the heavy-weight champion I’ve become:

I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you. Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna to see that the best is yet to come. Don’t don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love. Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well your first was born, then his a sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side. So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!

DECEMBER 15, 2020: “The Selfish Parent Serenade” …

December 15, 2020June 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… umm, yes!

YES, IT DOES!

Listen up my parent friends, and listen up real good! We only get them for eighteen years. Actually, make that sixteen once they get their driver’s licenses. WE brought them into this world of our own volition. None of them ever signed up for this gig. WE DID! They shouldn’t have to sacrifice a single fucking thing so that WE can have the lives that we want. WE should make the sacrifices so that our KIDS can have the lives that they DESERVE! There is nothing that should ever come between us and them. Not a job! Not a dream! Not a hobby! Not an education!

NOT EVEN “THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE”!

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to put YOU between them and YOUR children? THAT would be a deal-breaker, people, and that is NOT “the love of your life”!

Honey, I love you, but it’s me or them …

… to which your response should be …

“Well, then don’t let the door hit you in the ACTUAL fucking ASS!”

Does that mean that we aren’t entitled to have those things? The jobs, dreams, hobbies, educations, and the loves of our lives? OF COURSE NOT! But here’s the deal: KIDS FIRST! US LAST! Period. End of story! The years with them home will be over before we know it and then it’s OUR time to fly! The sky’s the limit, but not at the expense of the wings we clip, mangle, twist and BURN when we’re more worried about our wings than theirs.

“Failure To Fly”

Look, I’m no doctor, but I am willing to bet that more “failed flights” than not are due in part to selfish parents who failed to make their kids a priority. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry if that’s kinda hard to swallow, but the truth does hurt, does it not? Let’s not be stupid and squander the fleeting time we have with them at home. More than that, let’s not be “those parents” that the parents who do sacrifice to put their kids first talk badly about behind our backs. WORST OF ALL, let’s not be “those parents” whose KIDS will be talking about to their kids one day, telling them all the things we did or didn’t do, and how our selfish parenting landed them in therapy and medicated because we shattered their fragile hearts like glass!

Not to be sanctimonious, but there are certain crimes against humanity that are deserving of such flagrant disapproval and reproach. ASSHOLE PARENTS ARE ONE OF THEM! For the record, I too have been guilty of some not so stellar, very selfish parenting. I’m not EVEN gonna sit here and lie! But guess what? I grew up, WOKE UP, and took a sobering look at the wreckage I’d gifted to the undeserving kids I allowed to become casualties of both my war within and my war abroad. After breaking apart for a not so hot minute or two, I looked into the mirror at the little girl who knew exactly how it felt to be at the losing end of an unavailable parent. My guilty conscience took care of the rest. I sat down with my both my kids at different times and stages appropriate to their age and understanding and had the hardest and most awkward conversations of my life:

Kids, I’m sorry, but mommy TOTALLY fucked you over! Let me tell you how …

At which point I owned it all, accounted for everything, APOLOGIZED, then vowed to start doing better! Never again will my kids be second to anything or anyone … NOT EVEN MY OWN DAMN SELF!

This song is probably one of the best “selfish parent serenades” of all times. If you’ve ever been guilty of misappropriating the precious gift of parenthood, it may just twist you up inside the same way it twisted me the first time I heard it. Should that be the case, do yourself a favor and change your parenting story immediately! Talk to your kids and fill their precious ears with only the most beautiful words. Validate their wounds. Accept them as they are.

But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart.

Is that the legacy you want to leave? Certainly not! But children grow up and become adults, many of whom end up spending so much time in therapy trying to fix the damage we caused that they have no choice but to keep us in “separate chambers of the heart”. They learn about boundaries and “loving from a distance” to protect themselves from us and break the cycle, and thus the bridge is burned.

For the record, no matter what seemingly unforgiveable parenting mistakes you’ve made or how old your children are, it’s never too late to own it, account for it, apologize, and start doing better! As long as you’re breathing and so are they, JUST FIX IT!

BURNING IN THE SKIES

I use the dead wood to make the fire rise. The blood of innocence burning in the skies. I filled my cup with the rising of the sea and poured it out in an ocean of debris. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. We held our breathe when the clouds began to form, but you were lost in the beating of the storm. But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. It’s in the blackened bones of bridges I have burned. The blame is mine alone for bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. {Linkin’ Park}

@DashHudson

@TheRealJeffWright

DECEMBER 14, 2020: “Give Him Roots” …

December 14, 2020May 10, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

The “Tell Us What You See” Tree
{Courtesy Of “The Daily James”}

This morning, I saw this post on Instagram by one of my favorite haunts, “The Daily James“, a Los Angeles based wildlife sanctuary that is home to one of my absolute favorite families, “King James, Margaret and the kids“. But I’ve digressed. The post was of this picture above along with one very simple question: “Tell us what you see.” To which I replied …

The thing that struck me the most in this post was the first picture of that magnificent tree. It screamed, “Look here upon my branches – Creation’s true majesty. I am a life well lived, no matter the circumstances or elements that have encumbered me – a true force to be reckoned with. I am ONLY as tall as my roots are deep, no matter HOW twisted and chaotic they may be seem. I am a strong fortress. I am – everything.”

Twenty-eight years ago today, after nineteen hours and eleven minutes of labor (but, hey, who’s counting), my first true prince and love of my life was born at exactly 4:50pm! With that, this picture couldn’t have come at a more fitting time, because after I made my response, I immediately thought of this song I’ve loved since first hearing it in the early ’90’s when I just beginning to know Jesus. Up until then, I had been wandering lost in the woods all alone. Actually? Correction: I wasn’t really alone – He was ALWAYS with me, I just wasn’t ready to believe it. Truth be told, even after I accepted Christ into my heart, my walk was a bit of a struggle. I’ve been a really stubborn kid – NO JOKE! Christian was so young at the time, and I tried desperately to give him the solid foundation he needed to get through life. But alas, I failed him at so many turns. It’s the absolute tragic truth.

Those days are gone though, and now I very much know better. I truly have seen the error of my ways, not the least of which is the not-so-stable ground I set his feet upon and the wings I helped clip that have made it more difficult for him to fly. Just as sure as God has forgiven me for my many imperfections and failures, I, too, have done the same. All I can do at this point is try to lead him to The Truth by my example and let His Majesty take it from there.

My son is a true force to be reckoned with, just like his mom and sister! It’s just a matter of time … and only a matter of faith. At the end of the day, no matter how “twisted and chaotic” his roots are below, there is a strong fortress working behind him powering the circumstances and elements. The great “I Am” is everything I need to know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!

I love you to the Moon and back and am SO beyond proud to be your mom. I believe in you, always, unconditionally, with every shred of my being, from here and throughout eternity! My truest prayer to God is now, and always will be, that both you and your little sister grow into the magnificent masterpieces you were meant to be from the seeds sown by not only my past mistakes, but the mistakes of every single root-rotted branch of our twisted family tree. Rise above it son. Rise above, fly away, and never look back with regret!

GIVE HIM ROOTS

So many voices in his ear. Are they playing on his fears? It’s a bad situation all the way around. But with a solid foundation, he’s gonna stand his ground. Take a little time. Plant the seeds. Give him reasons to believe. Give him roots, and give him wings, and he’ll grow up to do great things. Let him know the joy that he brings. Teach him the value of the truth. Oh you gotta give him roots. Give him wings. When he comes to you and he needs your help, and he’s so unsure of himself, give him vision so he can see the Light. Let him know the difference between wrong and right. Share the wisdom of your peers. There’ll be laughter. There’ll be tears. He should aim as high as the sky. There ain’t nothing he can’t do if he’ll only try. {Clay Crosse}

DECEMBER 12, 2020: “Never Cross A Crow!” …

December 12, 2020March 28, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I live in a very special place inside my own head that’s really not so bad! What you see is what you get with me – I’m the happiest “sad person” I think I’ve ever met.

If you’ve been keeping up with this Diary or any of my whacky videos, you’ve probably heard me say that I’m the “luckiest person” I’ve ever met. I love my life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and am thankful for EVERY day I get to be live it. No matter what broken roads I’ve traveled, and no matter how much I miss my king, I know he’s smiling down on me right now watching me survive with joy, and love, and light. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and his heart would be broken even more than it was in the first place if he couldn’t look down and see me still “being me” – a very happy Cat!

Keep the faith my friends! If you’re struggling in any way, shape, or form? Just breathe, be silly, and try laugh a little more, especially at yourself. It’s perfectly okay to do that, you know, even when your grieving. Much love to all of you today. And remember … NEVER cross a crow!

DECEMBER 11, 2020: “One Heart” …

December 11, 2020December 11, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you get a surprise in the mail from literally out of the blue from a dear friend of years with not only a precious gift, but these sweet words as well:

Watching your love story grow was beautiful. Watching how you honor your husband today is beautiful. Under the surface, I am sure you have experienced a roller coaster of emotion. But you carry on with such grace and strength. Even though I never had the privilege of meeting your husband, I hope this ornament can serve as a small piece to honor him at Christmas. May God bless and keep your family safe during this holiday season.

Of all the things that could have reduced me of all people to speechless tears today! You know, “the Cat who never seems to shut up”? It was a random act of kindness for the win! With that, I am yet again reminded of just how blessed I am. I, too, wish she could have met him. I wish all of you could have met him (the him that he was before that monster in his head move in that is). He was a force to be reckoned with, the changer of my game, and the king of my heart.

This ornament is so very special to me that it will now adorn the little lamp in my kitchen year-round! It will serve as a daily reminder of not just him and every piece of this journey, but most importantly that in all things big and small, God is “turning and turning” this thing with the One Heart that brings hearts like hers near mine.

ONE HEART

There’s a new church on the horizon, made of light, not of stone. Calling out to all Creation – you are not alone, no, no, no. Lions and lambs. Saints and sinners. Best of friends. Enemies. Woman and man. Losers and winners. They are all in you and me. We are one heart looking for answers. One soul finding our way in the dark. One dream we share together. We are all a part of one heart. Out in the cold, ooh, there are faces hidden by, the wind and rain. Hold out your hand – someone will take it. They’re gonna bring you home again. Around the Earth tonight the fires are burning. Tears are falling from the sky. Still the world keeps turning … turning and turning and turning. {Clay Crosse}

DECEMBER 10, 2020: “Dear Mom!” …

December 10, 2020April 29, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“Dear Mom …”

Could any two words in the history of written language EVER melt a heart so quickly as they do mine? OH, but the irony here! In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a very sentimental person. It’s all those little things in my life, like the sticks, the rocks, the dried-up flowers, and love notes from my people that mean literally “everything” to me … and yes, to the best of my ability … I KEEP THEM ALL! I’ve had this love note from Gia to me and Zack resting on the typing stand on my desk since literally the day I found it waiting on my keyboard to be found as a surprise and read, “November 29, 2014”. The other one, however, I only recently found when I was shuffling through a stack of papers that were inside my desk that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. You know the stack? “Toss it, or keep it? Hmm. I’ll just keep it and deal with it later!” Meanwhile, years later, and ya FINALLY start going through it all!

The love note from Christian (“Circa 2008”, age 16) was also left as a surprise for me to find on the keyboard of my computer when I was still living at His house with all of them. Sadly, it wasn’t too long afterwards that I’d made my final exit once and for all. And by the way, how completely crazy is it that both their notes were done in either the same or a very similar font? For the record, I chose today to publish this post because it’s “midway” between November 29th and December 18th. I just split the difference and landed here!

I’m not gonna lie, when I found Christian’s note, it tore me up pretty good, but not in the traditional “torn up” way. It was good. A river of tears flowing from my eyes at just the right time and space. It’s these precious little bits of “everything” from days gone by that remind me that although I’ve definitely had my fair share of screw ups and not-so-stellar mom moments, at the end of the day, this is what I’ve been fighting for. I carry them while they carry me forward as a Light to punctuate their dark.

In being honest, these love notes from my kids do also make me a little bit sad. That king who gave us absolutely everything never had this as a child, and that’s what eventually broke him. She shattered him into pieces and now he’s gone. Luckily, however, I can let him rest in peace knowing that he did finally have a home and “everything” to carry him through the season we were lucky enough to call him ours.

Hey, God? Thank You. No, really. THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies?

“This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … your floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand!

Love, Mom

(“I’ll Carry Them“)

DECEMBER 9, 2020: “When Angels Fly Away” …

December 9, 2020May 29, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I promise I’m not bragging, but then again, I AM! The guy on the left in the picture above is one of the best men on my paternal family tree. He’s my cousin and our Grandfather’s namesake, Brigadier General Ernest Audino. This man has devoted his entire life to the betterment of not just his American brethren, but his Kurdish brethren as well. He’s a pretty big ordeal and someone to be honored to know, much less share first blood with. The man on the right is “The Lion Of Handrin”, and these are my cousin’s words of homage to him:

I‘m so proud of “The General”, as I call him, as are my two kids. The stories of his accomplishments and survival are beyond reprieve. We talk about him often to anyone who will listen and are always grateful for his endless service to this country that is often neither appreciated nor recognized.

Ironically, I thought of him yesterday when out of the blue, one of the most beautiful and thoughtful ballads I’ve ever heard cued onto my stereo. This song always brings a tear to my eye and a knot to my stomach when I sit with and absorb it, and try to conceptualize how in the actual HELL it would feel to be the angel having to say these words inside his own head after having had to watch so many other angels fly away. It’s literally mind-numbing to think about. I have long thought that every American teenager should have to listen to it at least once so that perhaps they might really get a better understanding of what countless others have had to go through so they could be “free” to sit and listen to it in the first place. Honestly? There are a fair amount of adults that could stand to spend some time with this song as well, so that they too might better appreciate “the angels flying away of it all” the next time they dare think about complaining about this beautiful nation that we live in.

At the end of the day, I’m just so grateful to all the men and women in my family that stood up for me this way. There are a handful of American soldiers on my maternal family tree as well, one of whom actually split his time between the Army and the Navy. Now that’s something! The military life is clearly not for everyone, and not every man or woman is cut from that cloth.

Meanwhile, having this song avail itself to my magical music wheel yesterday and thus remind me of how much I love it, just so happened to coincide with one of my favorite hero’s birthday! So, with that …

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GENERAL!

I love you, am prouder of you than all my endless words could say … and by the way? I just KNOW that Grandpa is watching you through his telescope and smiling from ear to ear! As it turns out, we have some “lions” of our very own on this family tree, and you are certainly one of them!

DECEMBER 8, 2020: “Hey! Younger You! RISE UP!” …

December 8, 2020March 12, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

First of all, my sincere gratitude to the talented young artist I’ve befriended on Instagram, Ryze Black, for collaborating with me on this project. I sent her the words for which I needed a backdrop late the night with a commission:

I need a superhero looking silhouette with a cape to go with these words. Can you do that?

This picture you see is the final result and I couldn’t be happier with it! In the meantime, please don’t forget for remember that “broken kids” aren’t always kids. Sometimes we’re adults. Treat yourself kindly, with patience, love, and respect, and validate yourself in all things always! TELL THAT BROKEN KID HIDING BENEATH YOUR SKIN THAT THEY’RE TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME AND THEY DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE BROKEN!

“Reparenting.”

It’s everything! The first day in your adult life that you’re able to show that broken kid you once were (or the kid you never got to be) some empathy, grace, unconditional love, and compassion, will be the first day of the rest of your life. I call “that day” my second birthday, and yes, my friends, I remember exactly where I was when I began the reparenting of “younger me”. It was April 8, 2008, and it truly was the beginning of who I’ve become.

Much love to all of you “broken adult kiddos” out there. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Your cape will be waiting by the mirror! Find it. Accept it. Embrace it. WEAR IT! Let it adorn your “sick of being tired” shoulders and RISE YOU UP to who you’re waiting to become … your very own superhero – YOU!

DECEMBER 7, 2020: “The Lord Of The Land” …

December 7, 2020January 18, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“Lord Walter The Williamson”

He’s one of the five reigning kings of my heart. Another is my God. Another is my son. Two others are now resting in peace. I am one very lucky Queen! That is all.

DECEMBER 6, 2020: “The Great Adventure” …

December 6, 2020December 6, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Can I get an amen AND a witness?

A well-stamped passport and an abundance of travel memories (at home AND abroad) as a child is the number one key to destroying hatred, bigotry, racism, and xenophobia as an adult! We gotta keep their horizons BROAD so their minds can stay WIDE OPEN!

As I’ve said before, of all the many legacies the king left behind, perhaps the most treasured are our many “adventures”. Although he didn’t know it when we met, because the life he’d lived before us was mostly solitaire and uneventful, Williamson was a natural born adventurer at heart. It wasn’t long after our first trip together that he developed the same steadfast passion for travel that I’ve always had. There were so many nights he’d sit endlessly researching all the places he wanted to take us … and even more so, the places he wanted to take Gia. Once he’d decided that he was going to be the first one to take her to Europe, IT WAS ALL UPHILL FROM THERE! He had it firm in his mind that we would put one stamp in her Passport each year she of high school and college if possible, which for the record, is just one of the promises he made that I fully intend to keep!

Sadly, I can count on less than one hand all the places my ex-husband took me and the kids, and in fact, since the day she was born he has taken Gia NOWHERE! Not one place … not one time … ZERO “adventures” have they had. Traveling was just never his thing I suppose. Well, correction … “traveling with us” that is. He is more than par to the task, but only if it suits him, and according to “who” the priority is at any given time. I have it on good record that in over the years he has done his own fair share of traveling, but again, just not with our kids. Perhaps one of the most heart-breaking conversations I’ve ever had in my life was several years ago when I was sitting with Christian and his girlfriend at the time going through all his childhood scrapbooks.

Mom, why isn’t dad in any of these pictures?

He was right. His dad wasn’t in any of the travel pictures in his albums. For the most part, in our combined sixteen years together, I was the only one who took our son “on adventures”. Not Him. ME! It was always just me and Christian … either with my family or on our own. But you see, Christian had forgotten that part, as I believe he had had subliminally blocked that very painful reality from his memory. In being honest, I UNDERSTAND WHY, as my father never really traveled much with us either. In that moment, I think my heart shattered in a whole new kind of way, and to this day it breaks my heart when I hear those sobering words my son spoke echoing in the back of my mind. Zack understood my heartbreak in that regard, and to the best of his ability tried to include Christian in as many of our “adventures” as possible. It was just another of the many reasons I fell in love with him over and over and over!

In the meantime, I remain grateful for all the many opportunities I’ve had with my both Zack AND my kids to see as much of this beautiful Atlas as possible and also for the fact that because of the not so unfortunate position be left me in, I am STILL afforded the luxury of a living life out of a suitcase at whim!

I am fully aware that not everyone is so fortunate and do not take that for granted. At the end of the day, to see, smell, taste, hear and experience EVERYTHING in EVERY corner of this Earth is one of my truest passions.

Call me a gypsy, a wanderer, or a vagabond … but one day I hope my kids’ kids will look back fondly at me and say, “WOW! Just WOW! That Crazy Grandma Cat of ours was quite the adventurer”! It’s one of the most important legacies I want to leave behind when it’s time for my greatest adventure of all!

THE GREAT ADVENTURE

Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today. Another time around the circle. Try to make it better than the last. I opened up the Bible and I read about You and me. Said we’d all been prisoners and God’s grace had set us all free. Somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt. I saw a big frontier in front of me, and I heard Somebody say, “let’s go”! Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze. Through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure. So come on get ready for the ride of your life! Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind and discover all the new horizons waiting to be explored. This is what we were created for. Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure! We’ll travel long, over mountains so high. We’ll go through valleys so low. Still through it all we’ll find that this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see. The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams. {Stephen Curtis Chapman}

DECEMBER 5, 2020: “In The Kingdom” …

December 5, 2020December 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

The God I serve doesn’t make anyone but kings and queens! You just have to find a way to see yourself through His eyes and let your truly blind faith do all the rest! For the record, I’m an ecumenical abuser when it comes to ideals about humanity …

… MEANING …

… just because the words say “she”, “her”, and “woman”, it doesn’t mean the same words can’t apply to “man”. As for me? The mindset of a KING is the only one that will work for a queen, and the only one I will allow inside my atmosphere going forward.

With that, if you are reading this right now and somehow doubting your own value and worth because someone else took it upon themselves to , may you self-actualize this entire day, rest well the entire night, then wake up in the morning with the mindset that you are the true and living royalty. Make the firm decision to both realize and OWN your cosmic and intrinsic worth, take hold of the power of a healthy relationship with YOU, and never sell yourself or your soul short of anything less than EVERYTHING! (NO, I’m not just talking about “stuff”!) Then, someday very soon, I hope you find yourself standing in the mirror saying these most powerful words:

You’re moving different and your price is going up. You AREN’T afraid to leave anyone behind. You ARE authentic and courageous. You ARE the type of human being most love but get intimidated by because you know EXACTLY what you want. Take some time for YOU today to recharge and soak in the glorious solitude of YOU!

THIS IS THE KINGDOM

This is the kingdom. KINGDOM! Everybody’s building empires. Building walls high in the name of glory. Everybody’s hanging high wires. It’s a fine line, it’s an age-old story. The first will be last, and the last will be kings. The small will be great, and the great will be weak. Everybody’s building empires, but it’s our time! This is the kingdom. Heaven coming down to the corners of the Earth. This is the kingdom! Come alive in us! Gonna light up this whole world. This is for freedom. FREEDOM! To break off every chain. This is the kingdom. Blessed are the bound and broken. You’re a citizen, and your faith will prove it. Blessed are the persecuted, and the wounded. You’ll be crowned as rulers. Everything else is gonna fade away. We stand together … one heart, one voice, one name. It stands forever. {Skillet}

DECEMBER 2, 2020: “You’re Just LAZY!” …

December 3, 2020December 3, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

🎶

“Yeah, I drive myself crazy, ’cause I can’t escape the gravity. I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? I’m holding on to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on … Why is everything so heavy?”

(“Heavy“)

🎶

You … are NOT … LAZY!

You … are just … TIRED!

Let me ask you something: How did reading the Homer quote I posted make you feel? If anything, I hope it made you feel relieved!

Listen up, my friend! If you’ve been through a trauma – no matter or big or small – YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE WORN OUT, STRUNG OUT, and Jean-Claude Van Damn SICK of trying to keep up the appearance of having a SINGLE ounce of energy for a hot minute, month, or even year or two.

Pain changes you!

Grief changes you!

The timeline for recovering from psychological and emotional exhaustion is neither fluid OR the same process for everyone. The grieving and mourning period for the you that was lost in the boxing ring of life is YOURS to spend and no one gets to tell you when you “should” be over anything or that you’re just fuckin’ LAZY for licking your wounds!

Also? You’re GONNA be okay, regardless of what “okay” looks like from the outside looking in. Look, if I can do this, you can do this! So, keep your faith and fly from the inside on YOUR timing, NO ONE ELSE’S, ’cause there is NO easy way out of Hell, and only YOU get to say how many wrungs of the ladder you climb each day. And hey, if no one else in this entire world believes you’re literally exhausted, HERE’S SOMEONE WHO DOES: Me! I DO! Here’s your permission to be LAZY!

SURVIVOR

Bulletproof. Adrenalized. Burning up. Cauterized. I’m the roar. The battle cry. Screaming out … IT’S MY LIFE! It’s my time! My fight! I’m unstoppable! I’m unbreakable! It’s my pride, my ride. I won’t be denied! How you like me now? Ali ‘cuz I believed. You tried to knock me out, but you couldn’t drop … no you couldn’t drop me! I’ll never bow down! Never own defeat! ‘Cuz you messed with a fighter! I stand here baptized by the fire. A SURVIVOR! Supercharged. Flying high. All lit up. Electrified. I’m the storm. A hurricane. Rising up like a tidal wave! {Scott Stapp}

NOVEMBER 30, 2020: “The Beautiful Infection” …

November 30, 2020November 30, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

TO READ MORE ABOUT “THE TRIBE” THAT ALMOST DESTROYED MY DAUGHTER, CLICK <<HERE>>!

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

Will I know if it’s happiness I see? Will I feel a different side of me? And if I let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Am I doing the best that I can? We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. Can I see The Light still needs to shine inside of me through the windows I can’t find. Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. {One Less Reason}

NOVEMBER 30, 2020: “Another One Bites The Dust” …

November 30, 2020December 11, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Thank you kindly “Dr. X”, but you should see my heart, my mind, my soul, and my steadfast loyalty and servitude. Especially since those are the ONLY things about me that will stand the test of time, age and gravity. So, with that …

… ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’M THE NICEST BITCH YOU’LL EVER MEET. I’m a queen who will HAPPILY reign alone, but not lonely on this Earth for as long as I’m allowed to live here if there isn’t one last king out there waiting for me somewhere with a much better opener than “you’re so pretty”. Umm, hey, “Doctor X”? YOU’RE SO BLOCKED! Also? You’re so gross!

NOVEMBER 29, 2020: “It’s All Sham Pain” …

November 30, 2020October 20, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

NOVEMBER 28, 2020: “My Parking Lot Meds” …

November 28, 2020August 17, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

Does YOUR doctor make on-site visits to your neighborhood Walmart? MINE DOES! And the best part is …

NO DEDUCTIBLE!

NO CO-PAY!

Just a good ole fucking time dealing with myself in a parking lot today before I went inside, such that mascara was all over my face and I looked like I’d just cut onions while I was shopping for Christmas decorations and crow food! Have I ever told you that I love my actual life? Yah, I kinda do … and I love me some “Dr. James“!

NOVEMBER 26, 2020: “I’m STILL Seein’ The Gold” …

November 26, 2020April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Ten Thanksgivings later …

… and I still see the gold smoldering quietly in the embers, as far as my gaze to and fro, shining steadfast like a beacon to The Brighter Side Of Grey that led me to this Light … especially when I look in the mirror.

Golden is the crown that adorns my head, encrusted with all the precious diamonds of my life, not the least of which is me, the Queen I truly am, who was also created under pressure and fire.

Although the King may no longer reign beside me here on Earth and my sister has moved miles away, I still have my fire babies and so many beautiful strangers. Meanwhile, I am so beyond grateful on this day that words from ten Thanksgivings still apply and that I’m still seein’ gold in that fire:

These lonely hours like a fire refining something that’s precious – something that’s shining. There in the darkness, surrounded by coals … it’s starting to glow.

NOVEMBER 25, 2020: “Will The Sun Rise?”…

November 25, 2020July 22, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

PERSPECTIVE:

After a meaningful and heartfelt intersection with my MUSE last night, or rather should I say, “a 4am meeting of masterminds“, I’ve decided that this needs to be said: This song is a lifetime favorite of mine! I still love Dokken very much and still listen to them all the time. (“Under Lock And Key” is one of my lifetime favorite albums.)

“Will The Sun Rise?”

As I told my muse, the meaning of this song used to go RIGHT over my hairspray encrusted head. But now when I hear it, it wants to make me sad. I’m a grown up now. I’m a mother now. If I’m lucky? I’LL BE A GRANDMA ONE DAY … a “Crazy Grandma Cat“! These days we are living in, where it seems that Atlas really is falling?

The contemplation of “the Sun rising of it all” does tend to give cause for a fair amount of panic. But then I stop and think for a minute about everything I know to be true, and my perspective instantly shifts!

“Will the Sun rise? Yes. Yes, it will! I’ve “gotten” to learn this the very beautifully hard way. The lights go on … then they go off … the dark of night comes … then so does The Sun … all in the process of revealing the Brighter Side Of Grey.

Meanwhile …

Now is the time to share this song with your still impressionable teen. Have them listen and tell you how it makes them feel. The words to this beautiful, 35 year old melody have never been more relevant, and sharing them with a young person in your atmosphere could be a great opportunity to start a “music therapy conversation“.

I’m STILL the most blessed woman that I know!

If you look closely at the image on which I’ve put the lyrics to this song, you will see that it’s the “negative perspective” of a sketch I made from my father’s cigarette ashes years ago. But look below now to my “brighter side perspective” today. It’s my truth in my grey and it’s EVERYTHING! And, with that, I once again leave you with this …

NOVEMBER 24, 2020: “They Shall Rise”…

November 24, 2020October 7, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

They made me a mom.

They made me STRONG!

They made me refuse to give up on myself under any circumstances, determined with every single breathe I’m lucky enough to take to be a Light in all their darkness. You see, only a phoenix can make another phoenix, so they have no other choice but to rise up and and fly. And that, my friends, is just the way it is!

Sadly, it is true – there have been many consorted efforts to take all three of us down, but indeed we are ALL here still fucking standing. This momma don’t play, my friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I will not rest until I see them both made completely whole, at peace with with their pasts, unafraid of their futures, and safe in the knowledge that their safest, truest homes are to be found within their own souls.

RISE UP

I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’ve been shaken wakin’ in the night light. I’ve been breakin’, hiding from the spotlight. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh, it’s calling out and I won’t walk away! I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all. Give me more. Rise, rise up! I was always up for the making changes. Walking down the street and meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Rise, rise up! Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I was there, but I was always leaving. I believe it, that I was never breathing. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’m bursting like the 4th of July, so color me and blow me away! I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray! {Imagine Dragons}

NOVEMBER 21, 2020: “The Gift Of Being Torn To Shreds” …

November 21, 2020April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you’ve been reading this Diary and have really gotten to know me, you know I’m a Spartan mental wealth advocate, especially where music therapy is concerned. I truly believe that music is an actual gift from Heaven, the “soul” purpose of which is to not only help us feel alive, but in some cases, to keep us alive. One of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, recently picked up a new lead guitarist, Andy James. So, I found him on Instagram, listened to some of his work, then messaged him:

Hello Mr. James. I’m not going to blow liar-face smoke up your ass and say “I’ve been following you allllll this time – love your stuff”. Because, that would be a liar face LIE! But, I’m following you now, and your music is awesome. One of my favorite treats in this realm has been my incessant search for “guitar that can make me cry”. Its actually been a huge part of my mental health battle and recovery. This year I’m “fifty-one-derful”, lol (51), and so far there are just under a handful of guitarists that have been able to take that crown – “shred her up and made her cry”. You’re now number 5! Well anyway, I just wanted to drop a line and say thank you. Music is how I survive. It’s like, “emotional cutting” without the scars or blood. I love to fucking hate it, so, THANKS MAN! You are a very talented, not that unfortunate looking razor blade!

Look, I’m an “emotional cutter” (but not in the clinical sense). My kind of “cutting” will heretofore only ever be referred to as “shredding”. I’ll hear certain music that makes me feel “some way” I either was previously or am currently unable to connect with. Then, the floodgates open, I run an emotional gauntlet, it’s over, and I’m better. Certain music just breaks me down, which is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s probably one of the healthiest tools I’ve acquired in the quest to strengthen my psyche. Yet, rare is the guitar that tears me to pieces:

I remember it vividly! I’d been out running errands and was approaching the house in which I dwelled that was certainly not a home when it availed itself on my cue. From that first solemn chord, the forlorn guitar began cutting me like a knife as I pulled into the garage. I couldn’t shut my car off and was compelled to sit and listen as the words began to play. Then, out of nowhere, a barrage of tears washed over me, literally and metaphorically. I was so numb and paralyzed in the moment that I couldn’t even lift my arms to wipe my eyes. I could neither breathe nor feel my fingertips as the music began manifesting a truly physical aching inside my heart.

“Emotional shredding”. It’s what’s for breakfast, maybe even lunch, and even in a Costco parking lot like me today. It’s the gift you’ll never see coming, only to find that you needed it so fucking badly, and could even lead to some of the most significant crossroads of your life. With that, I have an appointment with a brand new surgeon tonight, “Doctor James”. I’ll be sitting alone in this fortress I get to call home with all the space and freedom I need to let his hands bleed me to nothing so that if I’m lucky enough to wake up again tomorrow, I’ll be able to feel EVERYTHING!

NOVEMBER 20, 2020: “Ink” …

November 20, 2020October 3, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

… whereas some moms might see a “tragedy in ink” down the road temporarily penned on her teenage daughter’s hand, I instead see the limitless potential and possibilities for the extremely talented young Phoenix I’m raising who knows exactly who she is, has a pretty good grasp on what she wants and where she wants to go, and isn’t afraid to express herself, be herself, and see things in herself that while on the surface may look a bit dark, are in reality, extraordinarily beautiful! Sometimes I literally pinch myself because I can NOT believe I made her. I’ve made TWO extraordinary human beings!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

No one will ever truly understand either the depth of each of their hearts’ bounds or the mountains of ashes they’ve both had to ascend from to teach themselves how to fly. I am such a lucky mom, and I just can’t say it enough! But this girl of mine? She’s one you’ll need to watch out for. As in, STAY OUT OF HER FLIGHT PATH unless you are willing to have your actual eyes burned out by her Light! Her Light makes my Light look like the 5-watt bulb from a nightlamp, even when it appears that she’s “going dark”. I’d be doing myself a grave disservice if I didn’t say that some day when I’m grown up I hope to be just like her! I’m so proud to be their mom! BOTH my kids are my heroes! With all that being said, and so far as the “ink” of it is concerned, all I have left is this:

I’ve loved them all … so much that it hurts” … so I have them all inked to keep them inside … every day for the rest of my life.

INK

Got a tattoo that said, “together through life”. Carved in your name with my pocketknife. And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright? Oh oh. Oh oh. Feels like there’s something broken inside. All I know, all I know – is that I’m lost whenever you go. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. Got a tattoo and the paint’s alright. Just want a way of keeping you inside. Oh oh. Oh oh. All I know, all I know … is that I’m lost in your fire below. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. I see the road that you climb. I see the scars begin to show. I see your colors and I’m dying of thirst. All I know is that I love you so, so much that it hurts.{Coldplay}

NOVEMBER 19, 2020: “Carry On” …

November 19, 2020April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you didn’t already know this by now, my daughter isn’t just any kid. She’s a real life superhero and I just can’t say it enough. No one will ever really know exactly what she has been through the last five or six years or how bittersweet this night is for us both. It’s the long-awaited series finale of her favorite show, “Supernatural“.

There aren’t enough words that I could write at this moment, because not only am I a raw and open wound after having watched it, I literally just don’t have them. What I can tell you is that if you click here you’ll go back to just over a year ago and catch a glimpse of what this show has meant to not just her survival journey, but mine. If if I had lost her, too, on the night that Zack left, I don’t know where in the actual hell I’d be now.

This show is the reason she was brave enough to reach out to the ImALIVE crisis helpline on August 22, 2019, when she began to realize that Zack, her “Bobby Singer“, was, indeed, going to end his own life that night and that’s why we still have her with us. So, yes, this night is bittersweet for both of us. But as I’ve told her all along … sometimes endings really are just beginnings.

Heaven ain’t just re-livin’ your golden oldies anymore … it’s what it always shoulda been – everyone happy, everyone together. It ain’t just Heaven, Dean. It’s the Heaven you deserve.

{Bobby Singer to Dean Winchester}

So, with that, I leave you now with the last two scenes from one of the most impactful eras of our lives. If you know our story? If you know Zack’s story? You’ll understand exactly what these two fictional yet poignant moments mean to me and my little girl.

NOVEMBER 18, 2020: “Will The Son Ever Rise?” …

November 18, 2020November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

My son, Christian. No one will ever really understand what this kid has gone through just to survive, much less learn how to fly with the kinda mangled wings we all had a part in clipping. But he’s MY kid! I made him! So, FUCK that venom suit and every malignancy who put it on him! He’s a fighter, just like me, and just like his sister. Meanwhile …

Hey, Hey YOU,

You take one step forward and two steps back. It’s always been like that. It SHOULDN’T be like that! You’re trying to overcome yourself. You’re trying to work around your HELL!

Two steps forward and three steps back. Why’s your life like that? Why are you like that? You’re trying to understand yourself. You’re trying to fight through this HELL!

All the days gone by and you cant get ’em back. What was your name now? What is YOUR name now? You’re trying to rise above yourself! You’re trying to look beyond this HELL!

Seems like you got way off track. No one ever found you. No one unbound you. They wonder why you hate yourself. Surrounded by a living HELL!

Why can’t you see this clearly?

WHY CAN’T YOU?

Hey hey you, while you’re living the dream, I’d you’ve seen what I’ve seen, NOTHING is clean! Hey, hey you, while you’re rolling the dice, you’ve been paying the price! You’ve been walking on ice!

Hey, hey you, just get out of YOUR way. At the end of the day, you got SOMETHING to say!

Hey, hey you, see the look in your eyes! Will the Sun ever rise? Will the SON ever rise?

YES? Yes, they WILL rise! The Sun will ALWAYS rise and so will the lost and broken kid hiding inside you, but you’ve GOT to get out of your own fucking way first and make peace with your reflection.

Win, lose, or draw, that “son” you see looking back at you in the mirror is ALL really have in THIS world, much less get to play the game with, so …

TAG!

YOU’RE IT!

Now then … grab a hold of YOUR balls, don’t let anyone or anything steal your Sun or your thunder, and remember that YOU are the only “force beyond control” who can either choose or NOT choose to let your cards fold.

Just … say … NO!

RISE UP, Son!

RISE!

NOVEMBER 12, 2020: “Black Roses”

November 12, 2020July 29, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you’re so proud of yourself when “that one song from your past” cues up as your driving, only this time it doesn’t make you cry.

God has been so good to me in all the ways He’s helped me find closure and peace with the many black roses from my past … not the LEAST of which was myself! Trust me when I say that I wasn’t always so upbeat, Light-filled, “Divinely punctuated“, and optimistic. If you’ve read any of the chapters from the beginning of this Diary, you know exactly what I’m talking about. There was a very dark time in my life when I was the blackest rose of them all. Such is life, then we live, we learn, and move on.

Trapt is one of my all-time favorite bands by the way, and Black Rose one of the songs of my life. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen. IT’S SO PRETTY! But hey, if you do, I want you to tell me something, PLEASE! Can you say that when you get to the guitar solo at “3:23” it doesn’t send chills up your spine or make you cry?

I CANNOT!

It’s actually one of the most beloved guitar solos I’ve ever heard and never too far from my heart, no matter my mood. Truth being told, there have been times when I’ve probably replayed it 50 times in a row just so I could emotionally cut myself and make myself cry when I couldn’t. Meanwhile, thank you God for the roses of my life … even the black ones.

BLACK ROSE

I saw you in the garden – I wanted you so much. I really thought that you were different, oh I couldn’t get enough. I tried to save you from yourself – I felt every high and low. But the lows have drowned the highs away, now there’s no where else to go. Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time. Black rose I watched your petals wilt away. I couldn’t bring you back to life! You were always where The Sun could never go. I never wanted you to have to be alone. But I couldn’t find a way to help you grow … Black Rose. You never tell me how you feel, and your moods they always change. I really tried to make it real, but you never had the faith. I tried to give you something good to take the pain away. I tried to make you understand – you don’t have to be this way … {Trapt}

NOVEMBER 13, 2020: “One Light Burning” …

November 12, 2020November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you know The Green Mile as well as I do, you probably know the full quote from above:

I’m tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we’s going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world … every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head … all the time. Can you understand?

For an empath like me, even so much as reading those poignant words could have exhausted, drained, and emptied me. These days, though, as a “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;” and “apostrophe“, those words empower and make me even more determined to find all the Light in this seemingly dark and hopeless place and throw it up into the sky like the endless fractions of stars and twinkle that I’ve become.

Yes, it’s true that “some people” can be toxic, twisted, hate-filled assholes. Not “all people”, though. All the hope, faith, “love, light, and optimism” are inside of YOU, and you’ll RISE by lifting others. Just take a good look in the mirror to find it. Smiles are free, laughter is infectious, and kindness and compassion are worth their weight in gold, so, in the wake of all the chaos that seems to surround us, get out there and BE that …

ONE LIGHT BURNING

All alone in the dark – no walls no windows. Trying hard to define Heaven from hell. Standing out in the rain with just one shadow – nothing to see or believe beyond myself. See my life going by each moment I am alive. I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping somewhere in my life there’s one light burning. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning. All alone with my fears – no words are spoken. A story yet to be told locked in my mind. Hope is somewhere ahead shining brightly, but the past is always following close behind. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning – leading the way … leading the way. {Richie Sambora}

NOVEMBER 8, 2020: “The Day Of The DR Horton Hoodie” …

November 8, 2020January 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I didn’t want this day to go by without recognizing this very important “Facebook memory” from one year ago today.

It wasn’t clear WHY Gia was in such a panic getting ready for school today. Until it was. The revelation was just so bittersweet, and let me tell you why …

God, please let that hoodie reappear. Like me, one of the things she is most proud to say is “she was in the Horton family”. She knows how hard he worked to create the life he made for us and knows that company had so much to do with how we got here. Not just materially, either. While all this “stuff” is super nice background noise, the best background noise we have is the beautiful reality that his very successful career at DR Horton gave him the sense of accomplishment, belonging, and validation he’d needed for so long. Horton was his “other family”, and ours, too, and for that we will always be grateful.

It makes her feel close … makes her smile … it’s like he’s with her almost ’til the tears take over. She’s still in hell, but she tells herself she’s ready to let him go, ’cause that makes her feel close.

So much has changed in both her mind and heart since the day this post was made, and although we never found that hoodie, what I can tell you is this: We have found peace, solace, and so many beautiful reasons to be thankful as we keep sifting through the things that make us feel close. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Despite the way this chapter of our story ended, we are still two very lucky girls!

The Day He Met Don “DR” Horton! (August 25, 2018)

NOVEMBER 8, 2020: “Yes, Indeed – SO Good To Me” …

November 8, 2020December 10, 2020 The Diary Of My Perfection

Soooo, can I just tell you what amazing thing happened to me this morning?

MY GIRLS BROUGHT ME BREAKFAST IN BED!

It’s funny too, because as I was laying in bed and listening to them stirring, I thought, “But damn, I’m not READY to get up!”

So, I said to the jar sitting beside me on the nightstand where the King is now resting peacefully, “What I wouldn’t give for your Sunday coffee and eggs.” (The man brought me coffee every single day from our first married morning in his apartment until his very last day on this Earth.) The next thing I know, I hear them down in the kitchen and smell some fresh coffee brewing. I chuckled to myself, “And now here we are now … she’s finally reached the COFFEE stage of her life!”

The NEXT thing I know, she walks into my room and says, “YASSS queen, you’re staying in here until I say so!”

“What! Why? What’s wrong out there? What did you do?”

Ten minutes later, this “Sunday coffee and eggs” magically showed up on my lap!

I’m so blessed that it’s not even fair, and God truly has been so good to me! Every woman alive should feel this highly revered right now, though I’m sadly aware that not all do. Sufficed to say, that indeed it is true that “MINDSET REALLY IS EVERYTHING”! My King may be gone, but my reign is far from over, as not a day has gone by, nor will it ever, that I don’t remind myself of exactly who I am: AN ACTUAL LIVING QUEEN!

Make it a great Sunday everyone! I’m still “Christmasing” here at Williamson Manor … and trust me … IT GONE BE GOOD! I’ll blog it later, but in the meantime, much love to you and yours! And remember …