Tag: crazy grandma cat

OCTOBER 28, 2021: “Peopling” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Look, it’s not as though I’m that hard to get along with, it’s just that I’m very particular about who and what I allow into my strange little bubble, and even more particular about the strings I allow to attach to my soul. For those who get it right, being “too close” to me is a veritable rabbit hole to wonderland! For those who don’t, umm, maybe not so much, because more so than not, I’ve usually already left the party before I get there. It doesn’t change the fact that if and when I’m truly comfortable with someone, I literally NEVER shut the fuck up. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. Otherwise? Sorry ’boutcha!

Am I proud of this either fatal or God given flaw and its accompanying elusiveness, silent exits, and “door slams“? Maybe. Maybe not. You see, at this point I’m not even remotely interested in trying to understand the “difficult” way I am. As I’ve oft said before, some things just aren’t meant to be understood, and my “you don’t ever wanna get too close to me” personality is one of them. What I do know by now is that, indeed, I am the consummate INFJ “slammer”:

INFJ stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judgment. The INFJ is believed to be the rarest of all types, making up only 1-2 percent of the U.S. population — which explains why this personality type frequently feels isolated and misunderstood.
{“What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It?}

Keep in mind that no one ever gets the same me twice. Once I’ve decided that something isn’t working, although I may peacefully coexist in someone’s atmosphere, the “me” that comes after I’ve realized I’m too close to someone who isn’t in my wheelhouse usually doesn’t come with emotion. As you can imagine, this tends to make me seem like a cold, heartless, “untrusting” bitch, and it definitely hasn’t won me any popularity contests. I’m anything but your ordinary run of the mill kinda human, I’m tellin’ ya, and that’s just the way that it is.

Trust me when I say that my dance card is never full, and hell NO I’m not that girl who’s inundated with girls’ nights out or invitations to pretty much anything. Rather, I’m that girl who teases the masses with the chance of touching my soul, but when they try to get too close and I’m simply not feeling their energy, I slap their fucking hand away and run for the hills! It is what it is, I am who I am, and I’m pretty damn fucking okay with it. On the rare occasion that I do get included in a social gathering with people I feel connected to, I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN frigging delightful! “Peopling” either brings out the best in me or nothing at all, and I have ZERO interest in the surface level of anything. I’d much rather be “alone, but not lonely” than in an ocean chock full of way too many fish who aren’t really transmitting to my motherboard.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!
{“I’m A Freak Of The World“}

So, step right up and enjoy the Real Cat freak show, my friends, or don’t, ’cause either way, I’m good. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my, err, “uniqueness”, and fucking embrace my very private world and the intuition that shrouds and protects it. There’s the door all you “people”, so, unless we’re gonna do this “peopling” thing for REAL, you might want to run as far away from that door as possible, lest it hit you in the face!

The bottom line is this …

The only “people” who have ever been able to decipher the secret language of my soul are those very few who knew how to read it before I even spoke a word. Kinda like that time I fell head over heels in love with a man whose very first meaningful conversation with me started with, “Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush??” That’s the REAL stuff that brings out the best in me. No blowing smoke up my ass necessary, just, “Wow, you look like shit!”

It seems that more and more these days, people are merely staring at and sizing each other up with their eyes and not their naked souls. BEHOLD! It’s the grand illusion of dress up and pretend where no one is ever really what they seem, and umm, I’m so not down with living a life of farce anymore. Trust me when I say that this Cat ain’t going backwards! God Himself knows it even took me more than four decades to learn how to crack my own code.

Through it all, it’s only true connectivity with relatively drama free people that makes me feel at home in unfamiliar places, and now that I’ve realized that my most genuine connection is right here with me, I’ll be hangin’ here in my Queendom unless or until someone can ignite my fire with a spark from theirs. I have no time for surface level, and even less time for toxic environments and drama, so unless and until I find safe places to be and mentally wealthy people to see, imma just stay up here on my mountain and watch all the “peopling” going on down below and thanking God that I don’t have to do it anymore.

If I’ve learned anything in my “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” years, it’s that nothing feels as lonely as being in a room full of people you know you don’t belong with because they’re either just not your cup of tea, or worse yet, not good for your mental health. Been there, done that, got the prize and the cookie, and now I’m fuckin’ DONE!

TOO CLOSE

Checking out so soon? How long you been planning this? Is it something that I missed? I really thought that I was breaking through to you. Did you run out of room? You said that you would take the risk, and now you can’t handle it? You took what you can get and now you’re through. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. It’s my mistake. I never listened when you said, “Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. You don’t want to get too close, too close, too close to me. Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. I had to find out – find out for myself. I always knew I’d be the one to take the hit, but I guess I just can’t resist all the mystery surrounding you. I’m so confused. There are just too many twists. I’ll never get away from it. I should’ve known you were too good to be true. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant? Don’t want to wonder any longer – wonder when you’ll say, “Don’t never get too close, too close, too close for me. I guess I’ll have to find out – find out for myself. {Trapt}

OCTOBER 24, 2021: “God’s Favorite Daughter” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! I’m the REAL Cat Williamson, not the sugar coated FAKE one! I’m the Queen of the world who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet still the most wretched, beautiful, and perfectly imperfect woman in the land.

Look at me!

Yes, look at me! I really AM just like the Sun. I’ll burn out your eyes, get under your skin, then blow out your eardrums with my word bombs! I speak the TRUTH, damnit! So, love me or hate me, ’cause I literally just don’t care. Nothing about me is anyone else’s concern unless I allow it to be, just as NOTHING anyone thinks about me is any of mine. I’m the FIRST of me and the last of me, ’cause there’s never gonna be another one LIKE me, and I’m STILL the luckiest woman alive!

I am big. I am small. I’m an oxymoron of epic proportion. I’m an apostrophe. I am perfect. I am FLAWED! I’m a pebble skipped across a pond that’s valueless and valued both at once. I truly am “power, grace, and beauty rising“. I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lioness, yet I’m humbled by my absolute insignificance.

If I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” years on this Earth, it’s that once a person has seen themselves through God’s eyes before a mirror, not only will their soul never be the same again, but they’ll never see this world and the people living in it the same way again, either. I’m so thankful for what I see when I stand before a mirror now. I SEE HIM!

I’m God’s Favorite Daughter!

So, too, are you “God’s FAVORITE child“, but not unless and until you take ownership of that crown He adorned your head with and wear it proudly with power and grace!

WHO I AM …

Look at me, I am the Sun – I’ll blind your eyes, the only one. Look at me, when night sings blues – I’m the only one, yes I’m your muse. Look at me, make no mistake – Fashioned with earth, molded with clay. I’ll tell you how I face the day – LIVE LIFE, RAISE HELL, LEFT NOTHING UNDONE. Who I am? Who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Look at me – I’m not like you. I’m number one, not number two. Look at me – a pride and joy. I came to win. I came to destroy! Look at me. Look in my eyes. Heart of a lion. I’ll fight till I die! Life’s too short to expect less. Even when I fall, I get up swinging. Who I am, who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Who I am? Who am I to me? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH! You see ho I am! Who am I to me? I just wanna be who I am. {Scott Stapp}

OCTOBER 21, 2021: “Inside Of Me” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

I spent more than 40 years living trapped inside my own mind. Then, I escaped it, only to find that it wasn’t so bad in there after all. It took me a minute to make peace with my own chaos, which as it turns out, had more to do with my environment and not what was “inside my mind”. Once I changed my scenery and the majority of the people in it, though, I found that my mind is an entire fucking WONDERLAND of power and grace, love and beauty, creativity, whimsy, empathy, and blind faith that not everyone was apt to either appreciate or handle.

THEIR LOSS, NOT MINE!

Once I made peace with myself and truly epic space between my ears, I stopped trying to run away from it, moved the HELL back in, took a few pictures down, hung a few back up, and now I rarely ever leave it. Sounds kinda crazy, right? Indeed, I know this … but it doesn’t make it any less true.

… but loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life. Let me forget all that went wrong.

As far as that “loving in hindsight not working for my life”? That was the old me … THIS IS THE NEW … and new me is okay with whatever, however, and whenever it takes to either understand or not understand why certain things and people happen in my life.

After all is said and done, it doesn’t really matter, ’cause the proverbial shit is ALWAYS gonna hit the fan. This road I’m on is still rollin’ on anyway. As long as it takes me “anywhere”, anywhere is better than nowhere, and my life is too fucking beautiful to just give up now. I’m not just a Cat … I’m a REAL Cat, my friends … and the last time I checked, cats always land on their feet!

INSIDE OF ME

Always waiting for something – searching for one thing – and I know it has to be there somewhere. On this show without knowing the way this is going, as long as it takes me anywhere. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. I look to the far side – searching for daylight – something that is mine, all my own. But loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life – let me forget all that went wrong. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. There’s love and so much more that waits behind that door. There’s so much that I wanna see, and I know it’s inside of me.

{3 Doors Down}

OCTOBER 20, 2021: “The Bucket List Item I Never Knew I Needed” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Yesterday, one of my “life partners” of sorts, who has now become a dear friend, called me up and all but insisted that I “find myself a cocktail dress, slap on some make up, and get to downtown Dallas” for a once in a lifetime chance to see an actual living masterpiece, Andrea Bocelli. As I had adamantly planned not to see any post pandemic concerts until it could be Ivan Moody and Five Finger Death Punch, I almost backed out after I’d already agreed to go, because I didn’t want to break the deal I’d made with myself to hold out for Death Punch with both the kids so that hopefully they’d finally get to hear “The Brighter Side Of Grey” live on stage.

In being honest, even as much as I love all genres of music, opera has never really been my thing, but it was Zack’s, and seeing Bocelli in concert had long been on his Bucket List before he left. Knowing him the way that I did, if he were still alive, we’d have had front row center seats at any cost, because that’s how much he loved Bocelli. Meanwhile, I did decide to go after all – not for me – but to honor one of his dreams. I’M SO GLAD I DIDN’T BAIL!

I cried most of the night, all but lost it at Amazing Grace, and I’ll never be the same again after this night. Of note, when Andrea and his daughter sang Ave Maria, my friend turned me and said:

Cat, Zack is here right now. Can’t explain it. I just know it and feel it in my soul.

In my heart of hearts, I know that she was right! Not many people will ever have the chance to see a true “living masterpiece” in concert, and I am firmly convinced that I was very much supposed to be at that performance. Hearing Andrea Bocelli tonight was no different to me than if I had been given the chance to sit down beside Leonardo DaVinci while he was giving birth to the Mona Lisa.

Once again, I am blessed and grateful beyond words, and forever changed for the better. How could I have possibly known that within the course of less than 36 hours I’d be adding then scratching off an item from my own Bucket List that I never even knew was meant to be on it? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I truly am God’s own favorite daughter and the luckiest queen on the face of this entire planet.

OCTOBER 15, 2021: “THIS Me & THAT Me” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m an avid “Quora” writer. As such, I recently saw this question posted, to which was my honest answer was THIS:

ME! It was ME who ruined something I loved!

Once upon a time, I was a train wreck of a woman, mentally ill, with a victim mentality, MUCH too comfortable living in my own toxicity, and far too weak and scared to begin the painful and arduous process of pulling my own damn broken head out of my ass and fighting my way out of the FARCE of a life I was living.
Then something changed … I OPENED UP MY EYES AND TOOK A COLD, HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR. The person I saw standing there was the girl who was too blame for the beginning of her self destruction. So, I decided to become the beginning of my self belief and QUEENDOM.
While I was “that me”, I ruined a lot of things I loved. I RUINED A LOT OF PEOPLE I LOVED! Way too many to count. Mostly though? I RUINED MYSELF! THEN I WOKE UP! Now I’m “this me”, who is MUCH much better, and although I’m extremely thankful for all the SHIT I put my own self through and all the pain and suffering I endured in the process, I wouldn’t want to be “that me” ever again, and never will.
Hi! My name is The REAL Cat Williamson. I’m a warrior, motivator, and a SURVIVOR! The biggest challenge I have survived is MYSELF. For the record, I’m not “bragging” about all the things and people I ruined. I’m just being honest. Brutal honesty about myself and WITH myself was the first step to becoming “this me”.
{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

DEAR YOUNGER ME

Dear younger me: Where do I start? If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far, then you could be one step ahead of all the painful memories still running thru my head. I wonder how much different things would be. Dear younger me, dear younger me: I cannot decide. Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life, or do I go deep and try to change the choices that you’ll make, ’cause they’re choices that made me. Even though I love this crazy life, sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride dear younger me. Dear younger me: If I knew then what I know now, condemnation would’ve had no power. My joy, my pain, would’ve never been my worth. If I knew then what I know now, it would’ve not been hard to figure out what I would’ve changed if I had heard – “Dear younger me: It’s not your fault. You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross. Dear younger me: You are holy. You are righteous. You are one of the redeemed, set apart, a brand new heart – you are free indeed. Every mountain, every valley, thru each heartache you will see that every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be, dear younger me. {Mercy Me}

OCTOBER 11, 2021: “Let ‘Em Go” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO!

‘Cause, sometimes it’s just like that, and guess what? THAT’S OKAY! Indeed, it’s true: “Your life is YOUR life”! We only get one spin around this globe each day, and we don’t know when that last spin’s coming. Life’s too precious to let anyone or anything “club you into dank submission” and steal your fucking Light. So?

Just Say NO!

LET IT GO!

Never feel bad for not feeling bad when the people, places, and even some memories don’t make the final cut. You’re allowed to be happy, at peace, and free from the deadweight of all those toxic and sometimes parasite infested fronds. The past is only a point of reference, my friends, not a place to hang pictures and call home. Besides, you can’t grow new leaves without losing the dead ones first.

The garden of your life has been patiently waiting for you, my friend, and it needs you to help it become healthier and more fruitful. GET TO PRUNING! So, while you’re busy trimming it up and clearing out both the dried up flowers and the dead and useless weeds, here’s another one of those songs you can sing to yourself as you’re practicing the ultimate self love of just letting the dead stuff go. That means people, places, and even things, by the way, be them beautiful or toxic (may the afore be resting in peace).

For the record, I’ve been listening to this song on at least a weekly basis since it was released back in 2009 as a constant reminder that the past is gone … I cannot get it back … and i GOTTA keep “letting it go”!

LET IT GO

Wait it out ’til the light. Take a breathe, say good night, but don’t ever go away. Wait around to find the time. Only you can take what’s mine, but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting’. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! A chance to change or stay the same. One night without the blame that’ll never go away. Only you can make it right – to walk away and have no fight – but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I NEED TO LET IT GO! {Cavo}

OCTOBER 10, 2021: “That Music Thing” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

When my son was a teenager, he started sending me songs to communicate his feelings, often in the wee hours of the night. Until then, because of the trauma he’d experienced in his fucked up, toxic, and beyond dysfunctional “childhood” courtesy of his dad and me, he’d been keeping his broken feelings buried and was unable to verbally express the depth of his jaded emotions.

The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time just days before my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans), but until I got that “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. The text came through without any words … just the link to the song … BUT … no words were necessary. Once I’d listened to it, I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me:

Mom, I love you, but I need you to know that I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son? I’m not gonna lie, folks, THAT was one literal and not metaphorical hell of a rough night for me. If you’ve ever listened to that song before, I’m certain you’ll understand why, and just for the record, if you’ve never heard that song before and have a history of childhood trauma, listen to it and you’ll understand why! Nevertheless, sending me that poignant and cryptic message at 3 o’clock in the morning was probably one of the best ways he could have possibly ever expressed exactly what he was feeling in the midst of all the undeserved wreckage and chaos that had become his life.

Needless to say, it was a pivotal moment in all our lives during a massive season of change, but hearing those words as they swept through my ears and washed over my own broken mind was an actual five finger death punch right through my fucking soul. Not only did it remind me of the countless ways I’d failed him, it also reminded me of the many things, I, too, “remembered” about my own dysfunctional childhood and how history was now repeating itself. It was devastating, but necessary, because as most of us know all too well, sometimes the truth has to hurt us before it can change us for the better.

Thereafter, if became a thing with us, and even to this day he lets me know what’s going on in his heart and mind with his random musical messages. Although some of the messages have been heavier than others, and some have been mind-numbingly ethereal, others have just been pure and simple love songs to let me know I’m still his best momma.

“That music thing” has now morphed into more than just me and him communicating. These days, it’s also about me communicating with myself. Singing myself love songs is one of my favorite mental wealth hacks of all, and has now become a powerful way to not only love myself back to life unconditionally, but keep myself loved eternally.

“When The Seasons Change” is one of my life songs, of course by 5FDP, and as such, has made an appearance in this Diary more than a couple of times. It has truly been applicable to all the most important people, places, and seasons of my life, so, yes, I belt it out loud to myself all the time. Sometimes I have to tweak the words to my “love songs” to make them more applicable to me, as in the case below. Lol, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, life here in my Queendom moves to a rhythm of it’s very own, but hey, it’s all good. A queen’s gotta do what a queen’s gotta do … especially when the seasons are changing!

There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide …

“That Music Thing”

OCTOBER 8, 2021: “At Home In The Queendom” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

So, take a wild guess what the best thing I possess is? If you guessed, “Free reign over the truly divine peace in my soul and the most beautiful Queendom a woman could possibly reign over”, you would be correct!

I once heard it said that everything feels like home when you fall in love with someone who loves you back, and knowing what I know about life, love, and everything in between now, I’ve found that nothing could be further from the truth. As it turned out, the most important person I could ever have fallen in love with is was myself.

I promise I’m not bragging, but it’s a pretty spectacular Queendom in which I reign … “alone, NOT lonely” … just me and my other best friend, Jesus. That’s right, people! I’m a Jesus loving FREAK with a divinely punctuated soul that’s on FIRE every day of my life!

Please don’t get me wrong, though. GOD owns my soul, Jesus paid for it’s salvation, and the Holy Spirit brought the kingdom to dwell inside my body. As far as I’m concerned, that makes ME the safest fortress I’ve ever had, the most blessed woman on the face of this Earth, and God’s ACTUAL favorite daughter. It was me, and ONLY me, to whom my soul was meant to return. Wherever I am and wherever I go, I’M the best place that I can be, because I am my own true home, and the fire in my soul is the hearth that keeps the Lights on.

OCTOBER 1, 2021: “Hoovery MacHooverson” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

228.

The exact number of days since the last time Hoovery MacHooverson, a/k/a the actual devil incarnate, reached out to but never heard back from me in yet another failed attempt to feed his MacLittleman ego:

Hey you! I was just thumbing through my text stream and realized that my text to you this morning was green, and I’m like “did you block me” and then I went straight to your voicemail when calling, so … did you block me before or after I sent you that text? And hey, I would REALLY value a conversation. Umm, I’m kind of at a loss. I got your texts, and I know your grappling with some things, but I’d really enjoy and value the opportunity to visit with you, so, please call me. I hope you’re well. Thinking about you. Bye bye.

You were just “thumbing through your text stream”, huh? Umm, NO, little man MacHoovy Hoove, you were checking your old supply! We all know that little narcissist boys just don’t like being bored or alone, and I Jean Claude Van DAMN bet that you’d REALLY “value” a conversation. What’s the matter MacHoovy? Are ya feeling unadored? Well now, ain’t that a kick in the go take a dirt nap ya purely evil mini-bastard!

ZERO amounts of manipulation or charming ever again shall there be, and ZERO are the chances that I’ll be rooked back into your snake pit. Wow! I guess I really do win, ’cause you very much MacLOSE! Now, go on and slither back to that empty chasm you call your soul and GO FUCK YOURSELF! In closing, I once again say this …

Unaffected. Unimpressed. Laughing my ass off yet again. This little man just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for almost every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words: STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST BOY! STARVE!
{“Starving A Narcissist“}

SEPTEMBER 29, 2021: “I Know” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Today is one of those days when my own words wouldn’t do a bit of justice to the message I’m urgently trying to convey. Except, that is, to say that the best day of my life so far really was that day I finally understood that there are some things I will never need to understand and even more things I don’t care to “know”. Once I stopped trying to figure all this stuff out and trying to outthink all the things I cannot possibly ever fathom, I became as deaf, dumb, and blind as a bat, but as wise as the wisest sage.

All I know is what I know, nothing more, and nothing less. The rest is all in the hidden details that are way above my pay grade, so I’m leaving the lion’s share of heavy hitting and worrying up to The Pro. At the end of the day, perhaps one of my most powerful and precious “life nuggets” of wisdom is having finally learned is that my internal peace is much more important than literally driving myself insane trying to understand why some things happen they way they do and knowing when it’s time to just leave the overthinking I do up to God.

Where do I begin with what to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through – even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you – because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go … I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart … and holding tight to the few things that I know.
{“I Know” ~ Mercy Me}

Meanwhile, here’s one thing that I do know:

I know that I pray every single day and every single night for anyone out there who’s lost and searching for the answers to the REALLY big and heavy questions about God, faith, and every unanswered mystery that’s eating a hole in their soul. I pray that they somehow manage to heal themselves so deeply that they don’t even need to make sense of things anymore as their way making their way through this literal hell we call Earth and make peace with “not knowing”, but still believing.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2021: “We’re Not Gonna Take It!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Just A Friendly Reminder …

… that there’s only so much being taken for granted that people will take. Sooner or later, even the weakest objects of someone’s disregard will bolt, and let me tell you WHY …

We’re living in a time when more and more people are getting themselves into therapy. Mental health conversations are coming out of the darkness and finding their way to the light, and “mental wealth” is fast becoming the NEW BLACK! Thank you JESUS for that!

Meanwhile, the inhumane treatment of others by toxic wasteland excuses for people are not being tolerated or swept under the rugs of oblivion and non-confrontation any longer. “Boundaries” are the flavor of the day, people are sick to DEATH of being shit on, and assholes are being bitch-slapped by the slamming doors of KARMA left and right.

Bottom line here? Be careful who you take for granted! You just never know who’s got a really great therapist and a “mental wealth support team” on speed dial full time making damn good and sure they know they’re self-worth and value. “Forgive them but FORGET THEM!” It’s the best medicine EVER, and more people are taking it than you know!

AND REMEMBER …

While you’re out there doing you’re very best to show up for all the others, don’t forget to show up for YOU! Be patient, be kind, be gracious, and forgiving, but DON’T be so stupid that you let anything and anyone slide. Erect strong boundaries and protect them at all cost, even if it means walking away! The one you should be most loyal to is YOU!

Delete, erase, unfriend, unfollow, disconnect from, and block anything and anyone who drains your peace or happiness. Not just on social media, in REAL life, too! Life is too short to spend your time and energy on people who don’t see your value or treat you like a revolving door.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2021: “The First Of You” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Hi everyone! It’s me. JUST ME! Nope, I’m not perfect, but Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m still me! I screw stuff up ALL the damn time, but I’m still me. I’ve said good things, bad things, right things, wrong things, and really, really, REALLY stupid things, but at the end of the day, guess who said ’em? ME! I’d be lying if I said I’m proud of every single thing I’ve ever done, because nope – I’M AM NOT – but hey, it’s still ME that ever did ’em. There’s my dark side, and my light side, and my ridiculously, ridiculous “out there” side, but all those sides are, ME! I’m a work in progress in living color every minute of every day, and the end result of all of that work will still, just, be, ME!

But guess what the really cool part about “being me” is? I’m the FIRST of me, not the second, not the last – I’M THE FIRST! I’m not a carbon copy, I cannot be reproduced, besides who in the hell would want to, but yes, I’M THE FIRST OF ME! No one else can do that. No one else can be that. I find that to be spectacular!

I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them. I am the first of me.

These days, it seems that FAKE is the new REAL. Society has become so fake that the truth actually bothers and offends people. Hell to the NO, that won’t work for me! Being an original is always best, although sometimes it takes some work to learn how to be ourselves, and only ourselves.

The reward is worth the struggle!

If you haven’t already tried this “being me” thing (oh, wait, I mean, “being YOU”), you should. Oh, and by the way, this Hoobastank song is one of the favorites of my life, one of the most underrated songs ever, and everyone should have to memorize these words about five seconds after they learn to talk. But hey, what do I know, right? Just thought I’d share!

THE FIRST OF ME

I must make a choice – a tough decision. Listen to my voice – should I give in to temptation? Admiration? One leads to myself – the other someone else – just an empty shell. Just an empty shell. It’s harder than it seems when you’re told that all your hopes and dreams are yours to hold if you just give them what’s expected – something they can sell or put upon a shelf. But I am not for sale. I am not for sale. I hear a voice inside. It’s grown into a scream. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. ‘Cause I can’t live the lie. I am just what you see. I’m not the next of them – I am the first of me. If I can’t refuse the price they offer, I am sure to lose and I will suffer. Sell my soul to make a profit? All I have to do is make believe it’s true. That’s something I can’t do. That’s something I can’t do. So, when the waiting’s done and it’s time to face the truth. You know you’re good enough deep down inside of you. You’ve finally woken up if only just to prove you are born to lead the way and be the first of you. {Hoobastank}

SEPTEMBER 20, 2021: “As They Are” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

I saw a conversation amongst parents on social media recently about “how they were dealing with the fact that their children didn’t turn out as they’d hoped”. It was perplexing, to say the least, and after reading the various comments , I had to take a moment and pause. So, I asked myself that very same question, and this is where I landed:

I have had three babies.

One of them is already in Heaven, which of course is not what I’d “hoped” for her. Although I was only blessed by her physical presence for a literal handful of fleeting hours (“handful” meaning that she literally fit in the palm of my hand), there’ve been moments I’ve actually thanked God for getting her Home safely and out of this often wretched mortal world the rest of us are shackled too sooner rather than later. Let’s be honest, folks. Regardless of the hope, joy, beauty and laughter there truly are to be found in this temporary Earthly home, “humanity” is not for the faint of heart and it takes an immense amount of courage, faith, and suffering to survive it.

So, yes, I’m thankful she never had to endure the gauntlet of simply existing. I know where she is now. She’s safe, loved, and treasured beyond comprehension by a Love even greater than mine, and for that I am truly grateful. I believe that when I myself get to the brighter side of all this grey, she’ll be there waiting for me right beside my husband, who too is eternally safe and free from the suffering he knew here on Earth.

Then, there are the two who are still here with me. If I’ve learned anything in my journey thus far, it’s that as their mom, nothing is more crucial for their mental wealth and and growth then my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are, and even more so, JUST AS THEY AREN’T!

Due to the extreme dysfunction in my childhood, wherein my parents (who were also raised in dysfunction) perpetuated the “works and deeds” system of parenting cyclically bequeathed them. “Love, affection, praise, and reward” were earned, not freely given, and even the smallest perceived failure or in their eyes would often cost me everything. I cannot tell you how many times they’d “wash their hands of me” over the years for falling short of their often impossible expectations. I was guilted and shamed for “not being good” far too many times to count, which eventually cost me my sanity. Meanwhile, here I am at peace with my past, my present, and my future, and fully connected back to that elusive younger me who was missing from the mirror all those years.

Long story short, this is how I deal with the fact that my children aren’t turning out “as I’d hoped”:

I DON’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE!

As their mother, my job was never to try and understand them, but rather, free them from the incessant need to completely understand themselves and allow them to be who THEY were meant to be … not what I or anyone else in this world TOLD them they should be. Their mental health and happiness are all I ever hope for. Their lives are their lives, and they need only be accountable to themselves when setting their own achievement bars. No matter how high or low they set them, they will never be failures in my eyes. If they want to grow up and sell lemonade from a bus, so be it, as long as they’re selling the BEST damn lemonade they can possibly sell and they sleep peacefully at night after doing so.

I believe with every shred of my being that the moment these kids became a part of my heart, soul, blood and bones, my job as the mother who was blessed by their presence on my flight path was to teach them how to steal the Sun and learn to fly according their own flight paths, not mine.

My kids don’t owe me a single thing, by the way – not even “love and respect”. Do they love and respect me? Indeed, I think they do. Yet, as paradoxical as it may seem, both love and respect are the consequence of free will and cannot be forced or commanded. My babies were not born to be extensions of me. They are their own autonomous beings. I want them to love and respect me because they choose to love and respect me, not because I demand it. They’re people, not machines, with thoughts and feelings of their own. The best that I can do is to keep freely giving what I “hope” to receive in return, regardless of their reciprocation.

There is nothing they can do or say that will keep me from being proud of them, and all I ever ask for is their best in all they do, that they grow from their mistakes, learn from all of mine, and treat themselves and others kindly. Neither of them is perfect, and each has had some challenges courtesy of their own dysfunctional childhood and me. It took me a minute to pull my head out of my own ass, get the help I needed to become whole, and stop acting like the consummate victim. But I did, and they know it, and we are all in this thing together separately.

At the end of the day, my job as their mom will be a true success if they learn to make peace with that mirror on the wall for the impeccably flawed masterpieces they are – lemonade stands and all! My son is a KING in the making, and my daughter a warrior QUEEN just like me. All three of us are battle born SURVIVORS who’ve “gotten” to learn the very hard way that nothing here matters unconditional love and acceptance, which, (ps), they will always have from their mom and we ALL have from our God. I love them as they are – nothing more and nothing less – because that’s how He loves me!

SEPTEMBER 17, 2021: “A Love Note To My Body!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear Me,

Today is your birthday … “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-True” … so, what better way to celebrate the beautiful life you are living than to read this love note to the body you still get to occupy despite your best attempts to ever so passively, yet ever so aggressively murder it for too many years to count?

When you saw this stranger’s words recently, they leveled you in the most bittersweet ways. Since that day, you’ve read them over and over and over again, and knowing you the way I do, I suspect you’ll continue to do so for the remainder of your journey here on Earth. They’re impeccable and powerful to us both!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, once again, thank you JESUS, Amen! Indeed, you ARE the REAL Cat Williamson … a Warrior, Motivator, Survivor; divinely inspired creature slaying QUEEN, and God’s absolute favorite daughter.

~ Love, Me

To anyone reading this, yes, this is one of those songs that has impacted my life in such a profound way that it’s earned a repost in my Diary. Only this time I’ve changed up the words:

Never again! Never give in! Never give in! I wouldn’t have wished that on just anyone, but she seemed to share my impulse. I wouldn’t have taken that from just anyone, but she seemed to like the result. So, I connected the dots and I told her when to stop. I chose to keep on going rather and NOT be something that I’m not. We were creatures of habit. We couldn’t live without it. We didn’t have to answer to anyone. We were chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knew where we were coming from. And everything has changed, ’cause I didn’t fucking run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause it’s no longer tragic.
{Words Adapted from “Creatures” , by Shinedown}

SEPTEMBER 12, 2021: “Who’s They?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Are humans supposed to be normal or abnormal?

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

Umm, hi! I believe that humans are “supposed to be” the most authentic version of what and who they are, whether that be “normal”, or “abnormal”. As and aside, I personally believe that both those words, “normal” and “abnormal”, are much too subjective to be used as a baseline for humanity. Who exactly sets the standard, and what exactly entitled them to do so?

WHO’S “THEY”?

They say we need to be a certain way to fit the mold, or so they say, but who’s they? How can we pretend to care and bend because we’re told we’re not okay? Who’s they? We can’t go wrong when we all stand tall and we sing the same song. We’ll find it hard not to get along. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. We’ll find it hard not to sing along.
{“Who’s They” … by Daughtry}

In my journey, it’s God who’s “they”. It’s God who sets the standard for everything human, and even that is subjective, as the personal lens through which I see, understand, and relate to Him is based solely on my unique life experiences thus far. For as much as I believe my conscious is the mode through which God speaks directly to me, I haven’t yet had the chance to sit down and have a conversation with Him about everything He intended to be “standard” for creation:

… lest you remember that although not a single one of them damn peoples’ nasty, misperceived opinions of you matters, YOUR SELF-REFLECTION DOES! In being honest and taking this even a step further, for me, personally, it’s only my self-reflection through God’s eyes that matters to me. But hey, you know what? My faith journey is my faith journey, and although I do so wish you ALL well on your own faith journeys, that’s a totally different Diary entry for another day. In the meantime, you just do whatever it takes to make friends with that person you see standing in the mirror, because like it or not, that beautiful creature looking back at you is your ride or die from this day ’til eternity! How YOU feel and what YOU think of YOU is EVERYTHING …
{“The Stranger In The Mirror“}

So, with that, I don’t think there’s a viable answer to this question. What’s “normal” to some may be “abnormal” to others. Thus … the human experience … for which I say to “they”:

Long story short? If you don’t like the standards and norms that “he” owns, maybe you should spend a little more time worrying about why you even care in the first place and a little more time worrying about the standards and norms that YOU OWN!

Besides …

… at the end of it all, you are only here to shine YOUR light and steal the Sun for yourself … NO ONE ELSE! So, I guess what I’m trying to say is maybe “they” can just go and suck it!

SEPTEMBER 9, 2021: “Isn’t That Crazy?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

How often do you think about your death, or even death in general? Does it scare you? Consume you? Fill you with anguish and despair? That’s understandable, of course, but it’s not the way for me.

I can honestly say that I don’t spend much time thinking about death at all, and certainly not my own, because I have made the choice to just live in every moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not even five minutes from now. For all I know, an airplane could come crashing through my window while I’m writing this and Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m outta here!

I have had to learn the very hard way that “Death Is Nothing At All“. Three nails, a crown, and a cross literally hammered that in for me. Sufficed to say, while I definitely don’t fear it, I’m not exactly excited about it, because I still have so many things I want to do. But indeed, it’s inevitable, and I made peace with that a long time ago. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, and today was my last trip around the Sun, I leave here knowing I’ve done my best in every thing, and I’m ready.

I have an unbreakable bond with the God I know created me and what is waiting for me on The Brighter Side Of Grey. So, I choose to live a life of joy, hope, and gratitude for all that was, is, and ever may or may not be. It’s my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith theory that keeps my eyes on the prize, as I truly believe that one of the worst things that can become a human soul is not embracing the reality that we … are going … TO DIE! Those of us who are lucky enough to finally reach this crossroad always live like we are dying, because guess what folks? WE ARE!

Leave no stone unturned and waste no time worrying about the inevitable. There’s no time like the present to start squeezing every ounce of everything you were meant to savor in this temporary life. Now, I’m not saying we should be jumping up and down with joy, like, “Whoop! Imma be takin’ a dirt nap one day!” I’m saying that with a little faith and a compass set to eternity, there is an immense amount of freedom and comfort in knowing that the best part of all of this is yet to come.

“The Wager“
But, Cat, there’s a pretty good chance that all this crazy ‘God’ stuff isn’t real.

But let me ask you this: WHAT IF IT IS? Are you really willing to hedge that big of a bet with your soul and have your all your hopes and dreams just end in the heart of a graveyard?

True freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood, because they’re NOT, and that having blind faith in all the things we can’t know isn’t as scary it seems. Even if we’re wrong about the things we deaf, dumb, and BLINDLY believe, we’re still “halfway right”. As far as I’m concerned, “halfway right” is still a 50/50 odd, and I will gladly bet on it.
{“The Freedom“}

As for me? Indeed, I’ve been called “crazy” by far too many people for far too many reasons to list. Lol. At this point, I all but embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? I’ll wear that little badge with honor!

CRAZY

Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end? Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn’t that crazy? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn Your way is better than everything I’m taught to be? Isn’t that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who’s calling out to me. And even though the world may think I’m losing touch with reality, it would be crazy to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast, let me boast of filthy rags made clean. And if I glory, let me glory in my Savior’s suffering. Isn’t that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust you for everything, and I will only take a step when I feel You leading me. Isn’t that crazy? {Mercy Me}

SEPTEMBER 6, 2021: “Man Eaters!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

STOP THE “MAN-EATING”!

Yes, I am an ecumenical abuser, and 5,000% believe that what’s good for the goose is even better for the gander. Show me a perfect woman, anywhere, EVER, and I’ll tell you that Jesus’s mom, Mary, is already dead and gone!

Does anyone care to know how many men I was a train wreck DISASTER to before I pulled myself together and became so “mentally wealthy”? Not that I’m proud of it, but yup, IT’S THE SOBERING TRUTH! Some of my former toxic behaviors and mindsets were indeed the real problem in some of my past relationships. I’m no angel, never was, never will be, and ZERO am I a victim “because I’m a woman”.

We ALL can behave badly, regardless of our gender, so check yourself in the mirror before you marry yourself to the ass backwards idea that “ALL MEN” are worthless assholes.

Here’s the deal folks … I have raised a son. I’ve been BLESSED to have been loved by and known a few TRULY good men. It’s a major trigger to me when I hear a woman cursing the name of “MAN”! Sorry. NOT SORRY! It’s GROSS, overdone, and toxic.

“Us v. Them”

Umm, HELLO? It’s not a fucking competition. IT’S A COLLABORATION! We all have power and value to bring to the table. Respect for each other’s roles (oh, SNAP, I said the “r” word) is first and foremost when setting up that table to foster ideal circumstances. And this concludes my five minutes of contribution to society for the day. Carry on now.

AUGUST 28, 2021: “But, What If I Stumble?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Someone recently asked me if I thought that I could go to Hell for all the cursing I do, which of course gave me some serious pause for thought, because, umm, oh good GRIEF have you met me? I’m a sailor without a ship total potty mouth kinda woman, and yes, I’m well aware of the fact that some of the truly well intended thoughts and messages I’ve spoken or written have been delivered out of both sides of my proverbial mouth.

The Bible says that anyone born again by the Holy Spirit is saved eternally (John 10:28), not temporarily. However, the Bible also strongly warns against apostasy, which can lead to doubt about “eternal security”. If, by command, we “can’t be unborn and lose our salvation”, why are we warned against apostasy? Well, first, you have to know what “apostasy” means.

Simply stated in the best “Jesus For Dummies” way that I know how, an apostate is someone who abandons their faith. The Bible makes many references to people who only “professed their faith”, but never never genuinely received Jesus. “Pretenders.” “Actors.” APOSTATES! In other words, “apostatizers” were never really “saved and born again” in the first place.

That being said, if as Christians we truly believed in our hearts the words we spoke when we professed our faith (and only God and us know whether that is true), we are commanded to “walk the walk and talk the talk”, because in the famous words of Billy Graham:

The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.

So, although true salvation is eternal and therefore can’t be undone, “Christians who curse” are definitely not optimal. As for me? I am an admittedly offending Christian who curses way too damn much. See? I just did it again! OMG! I know it. I’m ashamed of it. I APOLOGIZE FOR IT EVERY TIME! The words that sometimes come out of my mouth are DISGUSTING and not a good look or advertisement for the true and sincere profession of my own faith and salvation.

The bottom line here is this: Just because my salvation can’t be undone, neither I or anyone else shouldn’t use it as a “get out of Hell free card” for bad behavior. Doing so neither honors God, or me, or the rest of the believing world who are doing much better at this “walking the walk” game than I am. The “unbelieving world” is always watching “the believers” for evidence to justify their disbelief, and I don’t want to be the reason someone refuses to believe in something they cannot see. So, with that …

My Dearest Jesus:
What if I stumble? What if I fall? Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford? You can jumble them together – my conflict still remains. Holiness is callin’ in the midst of courting fame. ‘Cause I see the trust in their eyes though the sky is fallin’. They need Your love in their lives – compromise is callin’. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble? What if I fall? Oh Lord! You never turn in the heat of it all! What if I stumble? What if I fall? Father, please forgive me, for I cannot compose the fear that lives within me or the rate at which it grows. If struggle has a purpose on the narrow road You carved, why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar? Did they see the fear in my eyes? Are they so revealin’? This time I cannot disguise all the doubt I’m feelin’. What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all? Will the love continue when my walk becomes a crawl? What if I stumble, and what if I fall? What if I stumble? Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that you’re up against the wall – it’s about to fall! Everyone’s got to crawl when you know that … yeah. I hear You whispering my name. You said, “My love for you will never change.” What if I stumble? What if I fall? What if I lose my step and I make fools of us all?
I know! I know! I’M WORKING ON IT! I PROMISE! I don’t want to let You down, I don’t want to let myself down, and I desperately don’t want to be a big ole “Jesus hypocrite” billboard for Your cause. I wholeheartedly believe that the deeply abysmal guilt I feel every time I drop an eff bomb is Your Holy Spirit telling me STOP, so as with everything else in my often crooked life, I am ever a work in progress. Please forgive me, once again, even though I know You already have, but oh, em, gee, what am I gonna have to do with myself? Eat a bar of soap? Guess I’ll just keep on trying.
~ Your Favorite Daughter!

AUGUST 21, 2021: “Drop The Mic!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DISABLE COMMENTS ON THEIR ANSWERS?

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

Umm, I don’t think about people who disable comments on their answers! I stay in my own lane, unless I’m asked a question, and let me tell you why …

“What others think about me” or anyone else for that matter, is neither any of my business, up for discussion, debate, or rebuke. That being said, here’s what I think about people who spend their time thinking about people who disable their comments: In case some of you didn’t get that memo, lions really don’t concern themselves with the opinions of the sheep. Neither do queens, and I am both, soo …

It took a lifetime to find the voice behind my sometimes obnoxious self-righteousness. BEEN THERE! DONE ALL OF IT! At this point, I believe I’ve earned the right to NOT have to argue with village idiots, unless, of course, I want to. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the perks of being “Fifty-ONE-Derful”, soon to be “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True”, and not giving a flipping shit about anyone else’s “opinion” is just so frigging AWESOME! Not gonna lie, I probably take way too much pleasure pissing people off with my “Real Cat” truth bombs. It brings me such satisfaction knowing I’ve aggravated someone by not allowing them to throw their own mic back at me. When someone wants to argue with me for just for the sake of arguing, or better yet, defending or trying to justify some bullshit they’re trying to schlep? Nope, not interested. Thank you – drive through please!

But here’s the GOOD news:

As righteous as I may ever be, not once have I claimed to be perfect. As a matter of fact, I’ve probably fucked way more things and people up than anyone else on their very worst day, and I’m not afraid to admit it! Many of my former BULLSHIT, toxic behaviors were abysmal and egregious to say the least. But you see, for all my personal smites and crimes against other people and myself, I have accounted for, acknowledged, and atoned for as much of the damage I’ve bestowed to the best of my ability. “Ignorance” is no longer my bliss!

Anyone who finds themselves at the receiving end of guilt, shame, or anger after reading something I wrote? That’s about THEM, not about ME, so they’ll just need to check their deflection in the mirror before they have to spend a shit ton of time going back to the people they’ve fucked over with their own “accounting, acknowledging, and atoning”! BEEN THERE! DONE THAT, TOO! Those were not my best days ever. In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, someone will actually learn from my many mistakes.

For the record, I 2,000% know that many of my “opinions, truths, thoughts and beliefs” are neither ideal or realistic, and that some of them may just, be, WRONG! But they’re mine, ALL MINE, I earned them, I own them, I REAPED THEM, I SEWED THEM, and I stand by every seemingly acrimonious thing I say. Sorry, NOT sorry … but I do NOT apologize!

JULY 18, 2021: “MY Little Girl!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“SWEET SIXTEEN”

Many cheers to a highly successful weekend of celebrating the beautiful enigma I am blessed to call my daughter! Most people have no idea the REAL battles this girl has risen above, nor the infinite and astounding amounts of grace and forgiveness she has shown SO many people that truly don’t deserve it. Someone recently asked me that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? My answer was INSTANT and easy …

I want to be more like my daughter!

This often SHITHOLE of a world is SUCH a better place with her in it, and I cannot say it enough. She’s got a personality like me (she’s careful who she lets in), so anyone worthy enough to be in the glow of her halo is one truly lucky human soul. I love you Gloria Catherine. You are EVERY flawless stone in my jewel encrusted crown. I thank God every single day for picking ME to be your momma. No, I probably didn’t deserve her, but here I am rocking the “HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MY PRINCESS!” And remember …

You’re beautiful, baby, from the outside in. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world, but to me you know you’ll always be MY little girl!

JULY 7, 2021: “Nothing” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Hi everyone! It’s ‘me, CAT! I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT YOU’RE AMAZING! I may not personally know you, but I do personally know THIS: You’re an actual freaking ROCK STAR … ’cause God don’t make no trash … He ONLY makes favorite sons and daughters!

It’s not “you against them”, my friends … IT’S “YOU AGAINST YOU”! The Force is with you, because it’s living INSIDE you, and has been all the while. Just look into the mirror, rise to your own reflection, grab yourself a cape, and CLAIM IT!

Nothing’s ever gonna change if you don’t stand up and you don’t say nothing. Waiting on better days, but they won’t show up if you don’t do nothing. Deep down it hurts that I can’t do a thing. My eyes are bleeding, they’re glued to the screen. Headlines are monsters that everyone honors. Blink if it hurts you to see what I see. Both eyes have witnessed this catastrophe. Stand at the altar, swear me a promise. Don’t you surrender! NO! Put a needle in your coffin counting all your losses. You’re not safe! If you only gotta stand up, STAND UP! Face with the truth in the demons we see. Fist to the sky, tell me what you believe! Put down your weapons! Put down your weapons! If you’ve been kicked down, get back to your feet! No turning back now, no there’s no retreat! When they hear us running, they’ll know we’re coming. Don’t you surrender! NO! There’s no surrender! Stand up! Stand up!
{“Nothing” … by Papa Roach}

JULY 6, 2021: “You’re My Best Friend” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

TO MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD (ME!):

Ooh, you make me live. Whatever this world can’t give to me. It’s you – you’re all I see. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had. I’ve been with you such a long time! You’re my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you! Oh, you’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Ooh, I’ve been wandering ’round. Still come back to you. In rain or shine, you’ve stood by me girl. I’m happy at home. You’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the first one when things turn out bad. You know I’ll never be lonely. You’re my only one, and I love the things – I really love the things that you do! Oh, you’re my best friend! {Queen}

Yes, IT’S TRUE, “me and me” are thick like THIEVES and we’re staying in this game for the long haul! Jean-Claude Van DAMN, when I think of where I’d be by now had I figured this out WAY back at the beginning of the story, I kinda want to shake “that me” and say …

Hey bitch! You’re okay! You’re gonna fucking be okay! I promise, promise, PROMISE that I won’t let you down when the seasons change. CHIN UP! KNUCKLES OUT! Dry your eyes, ’cause we got this!

On second thought, nah. I live with no regrets! Nothing can be gained if nothing is ever lost. It’s all just a part of the experience and I wouldn’t change a single thing.

If you are reading this now, I wish you well! When you close your eyes tonight, please don’t fall asleep before making a solemn pact with YOU to start treating YOU like you’re own best friend! Let’s face it – it’s kinda rough out there folks. This world can be a shitty place to wander around in all alone. There are cruel people AND circumstances waiting around every corner to break your effing back.

DON’T LET “YOU” DOWN!

“You and you” are gonna be okay, but you HAVE to stick together. Let nothing and NO ONE come between you and YOU!

MAY 30, 2021: “No Matter How Long It Took” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
“Joe’s Farm” ~ Piedmont, New Hampshire
Courtesy Of Bill Hower

… Somehow He Found A Way!

On this day, twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son to a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.

But here’s the deal …

Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).

Dearest Mine … I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then, I will remain near.

I am your friend and love you very much.

Jesus

{Author Unknown}

… to which my response is this …

Dearest Mine …
I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.
I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!
Catherine

It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

MAY 17, 2021: “Into The Mystery I Slide” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

There was no-one like him. I’d lived in a world of black and white, and he was the only one in color.

… but then again …

There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered.

Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” reigning here alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth …

… OR …

There is one last king preparing himself and his table for ME somewhere out there in this realm. Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a “sophisticated BEAST” to the core, who will win … no … TAKE the privilege and honor of ruling what’s left of my heart and seeing me completely naked:

I have long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM. Only time will tell if there is to be one last king who gets to see me naked, read the very private pages of this book, and speak to me in the language of my soul …
{“My Naked Number“}

But, Cat! Didn’t you just say that you WON’T be an easy catch? That seems so contradictory.

That’s correct! I won’t be an easy catch. But you see, if “he” is who he’ll need to be to even capture my attention in the first place, it will be easy for him to catch me. It’ll be a cosmic clash of two titans on Earth, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be! I will only do this one more time, by the way, so if I do, he’ll be playing for keeps.

So, with that … this is me “queen speaking” into the Cosmos that I’m open to what and “if” is or is not meant to be. I’ve crossed on over to the brighter side of everthing … up to an including the possibility of “one last king”. IT IS SPOKEN! In the meantime, here’s to a repeat performance of one of my hands-down favorite life songs …

MAY 9, 2021: “Mama’s Boys” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

MOTHER’S DAY 2021.

My son started singing “Hold My Hand” at around age three, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally take and “hold my hand” as we walked through any public space we traversed together as he belted it out loud for the world to hear. Not long after, another one cued up while I was driving him to school one morning. “A Song For Mama”. Ugh! He reached across the console and “held my hand” yet again and I sobbed like a baby girl. Years later, it was our bittersweet “Mother/Son” dance at The Frog & The Butterfly. That being said, have any of you ever really listened to the words?

You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me – I’ll always keep it inside. You’re the driving force in my life. There isn’t anything or anyone that I could be, and it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have you by my side. You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray. Whenever I was down, you were always there to comfort me, and no one else can be what you have been to me. You will always be the girl in my life for all times. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars, yes it is. Mama I just want you to know lovin’ you is like food to my soul. You’re always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. Yes you did. And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me. You always did understand. You gave me strength to go on. There were so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you’d come to me and say to me I can face anything. And no one else can do what you have done for me. You’ll always be the girl in my life. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars. Mama I just want you to know – Lovin’ you is like food to my soul. Never gonna go a day without you. {Boyz 2 Men}

So, imagine you’re an impressionable young boy, or even a grown man who’s never had a mama to sing these words to? Worse yet, imagine you’re a boy who’s “mama” just got up and bolted because she was a self-consumed, vile excuse of a woman who took the utmost honor of motherhood and spat both it and her children upon the ground? Meanwhile, it seems that lately “all men are the devil” is the flavor of the day, but I gotta tell ya, those words will bring the actual DEVIL out of me! Unless you can prove that you have, indeed, known every man who is now or ever was, then man bashing “all men” makes you a moron and bigot. More so than that, however …

Anything men can do, WE can do better!

Well, then SUCK IT UP Rosie The Riveter, come down from your sanctimony, and shove that fuckin’ hammer that destroyed “the heart of the home” as the world once knew it right up your “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME HAMMER!” ass, ’cause with that train of thought …

Anything MEN can fuck up, WE can fuck up BETTER!

Hey, ladies? Sometimes when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good hard look in the mirror. Have any of you ever stopped to consider that maybe you’re the one manifesting the devil out of him? Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way, don’t forget where we came from:

THEIR RIB!

I’m an ecumenical abuser, my friends. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, so let’s stop pointing the finger at the other gender and just do a better job managing our own “roles” and business.

For fuck’s sake, the last time I checked, most people don’t even know what they want or need from the opposite sex, and God forbid a man tries to tell a woman what he needs, lest he be dubbed “weak”, shamed for showing his emotions, and emasculated for having (… drum roll, please …) “feelings”! I literally just puked in my own mouth!

We’re ALL human!

We’re ALL a hot mess!

We ALL make mistakes!

We can ALL be the devil from time to time!

The sobering truth is that the woman’s hand that was meant to rock the cradle, not destroy it! We’re the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire COSMOS to the babies we carry. Even wild animals know this to be true and often do much better jobs raising their young than some of those “things” running around this bitch with wombs. I mean, HELLO? Do you KNOW where the black hole my husband finally succumbed to the night he swallowed that hollow point began? His “mother THING” threw him away the day he was born. Yet, even CROCODILE “mamas” instinctually know better than to either CAUSE or BRING harm to their nest.

But I’ve digressed …

Now, does a good, strong, emotionally wealthy and present father bear any value in raising a child? OF COURSE HE DOES! Do ya think I’m effing stupid? But you see, “mother love” is the fuel that supplies this world with the most valuable energy of all, and as that supply is steadily dwindling, huMANity is fucking FLAILING!

“Mama” is the only one who can make a human being, so “mama” is the one who wields the most power to SHATTER a human being irreparably. For every toxic “devil of a man” roaming this planet and giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his fucked up ways back to the hands of a worthless “mama” who didn’t rock his cradle. Sorry. NOT sorry! It’s the Jean-Claude Van DAMN cold hard truth, and I don’t care what anyone has to say about it.

I thank GOD for the truly good men in this world. I respect them, value them, worry for them, and PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and HONOR men as the strong towers they were intended to be. You see, I am a woman who’s been lucky enough to have been loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS who ever walked this Earth (make that three if you count my son) and often thank God that I wasn’t actually BORN a man. From the moment they draw their first breath, they’re expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders, and “stay at home trophy husband” usually ain’t an option for ’em. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.

If you are a man-hating biotch, you are NOT my people. Actually? You’re gross and the majority of what’s wrong with this world we’re ALL fucking up. So, take your “toxic masculinity” double standards of BULLSHIT back home to your family, cook some fuckin’ chicken for the man in your life if you’re lucky enough to have one, and get the HELL out of my Diary PRONTO!

Oh, and one last thing …

If you’re a man who’s reading this right now and thinking that every woman in this world wants your head on a stake and for you to burn in an actual place called Hell, here’s at least one woman that “sees you”. I’m especially sorry if you’re a motherless son due to the unnatural cause of “her choice”. That sucks, it’s not fair, and there’s a silent tear eternally running through my soul for you every day.

MAY 8, 2021: “The Tale Of Two Quotes” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Which One Are You?

Don’t Lie!

Be REAL!

Would you do ANYTHING to protect the sanctity of your children’s environment, “mental wealth”, and well-being? Or are you one of those SELFISH MOMS who merely drags the children you were blessed with along through your carnival of “me, me, ME” bullshit and drama?

Happy Mother’s Day to all the GOOD moms out there! You’re the hands that rock the cradle! To all the rest of you girls who are lucky enough to call themselves “mom”, yet treat your children as an accessory if and when it’s convenient:

You’re the hands that DESTROY the cradle and the babies that were in them. You’ll be keeping the mental health system alive until the end of time. At least you’re doing your part to boost the economy, right? CONGRATS little girls! Not only are you GROSS and DISGUSTING – but YOU are primarily what’s wrong with this fucked up world we all live in! Yah, I said that! Sorry. NOT sorry! … “Sancti-MOM-Ius”

MAY 7, 2021: “Call My Mom” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

I call them “my girls”. My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.
{“The Pain Is A Gift“}

APRIL 27, 2021: “A Spoonful Of Wisdom From The Maestro” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of of my favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. If you know, YOU KNOW!

You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am not appreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.

You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are”, but rather, “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage:

To whom much is given, much is expected!

Then we have the humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …

Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.
Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.
The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment. The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.
Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.
Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.

It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.

DROP THE MIC!

APRIL 26, 2021: “Down With The Fallen” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Yes, my friends … I too have been in this place many times in my life: “Tired eyes barely open”, and crippled by countless promises broken. I have seen my share of fallen empires, and cried out to God on my hands and knees:

Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!

The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.

Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling – AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER even driving it alone!

Perspective … it’s everything … and so are you my ghost rider friend! Now then … go look in the mirror, rise to your own reflection, and stop letting the all the bullshit people have dumped in your driveway keep you from manning your rocket ship like the badass cosmonaut you really are!

DOWN WITH THE FALLEN

Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}

APRIL 9, 2021: “Farewell My Prince” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
“The Duke Of Edinburgh”
(June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)

Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.

Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But, then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s, and the utmost regard I have always held him in through my personal perspective.

Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST US IS? Still, someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”. My answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a broad spectrum, right?

Many people criticize, if not assault the monarchy’s autocratic rule, but I, for one, do not. They are, after all, mere mortal human beings like all of us, each with their own unique histories, backstories, and unknown personal human struggles. In my opinion, the Prince lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would have ever signed up for.

Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.

“You have lived, and you have changed all our lives”. Well, maybe not all our lives, but you definitely changed mine. Your unwavering understanding of “the assignment” is a lesson that so many of us could stand to take. You will live on infinitely! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, the countless unknown and unsung jobs no one ever knew about, and all the ways your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve finally made it to The Moon once and for all and that one day I’ll get to sit and chat with you about all the things I would have loved to have been able to chat with you about over a cup of tea on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

APRIL 8, 2021: “How Do Ya Like Me NOW?” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …

Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.

It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be “alone but not lonely” here in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.

Damn, I’m such a bitch!

Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!

Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.

Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!

Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:

I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}

MARCH 2, 2021: “Three Strikes And I’m IN!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

I KNOW

And where do I begin with what I’m to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through, even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you, because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go. I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart. (He knows your heart.) I’m holding tight to the few things that I know. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. He’s made a way. {Mercy Me}

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MARCH 31, 2021: “Broken” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Let this be a reminder to let yourself feel all the cuts, bruises, and jagged edges from being “broken”. LET THEM BE A GIFT! More so than that, don’t let anyone, including yourself, make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or feel bad because someone may be feeling worse!

“Trauma comparing” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what, people? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only assumptive, but one of the cruelest self-tortures of all. It belittles and invalidates you by saying “YOU” are not worthy of compassion!

How many times have you heard words like these, or worse yet, said them to yourself:

Others have it much worse than you.
Haven’t you heard what‘s happening in the world? Maybe you should change your perspective?
Just look at all the things you have – some people have much less.
Just be glad you’re okay – it could have been much worse.
Why do you feel so sorry for yourself – there are children starving in Africa.
Stop being so negative!

… and last but not least, maybe you, too, have heard THIS one before, which is one of my own dear mother’s favorite lines of all:

You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have … beautiful children … a beautiful husband … a beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU are just so beautiful! Why don’t you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start focusing on all that you DO have? God will punish you for not being grateful!

Not only did a lifetime of being chastised about my feelings or pain because “others had it worse than me” NOT take away my pain and suffering, it only perpetuated my inability speak up about my traumas to not just my own mother, but anyone at all, for fear that I’d be judged, guilted, shamed, labeled as UNGRATEFUL, or worse yet, “punished by God”.

“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us,” said Bradshaw. “There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational.” Toxic shame is different to guilt. Guilt is when someone thinks: “I’ve done something shameful.” Toxic shame is when someone thinks: “I am shameful.” It is why some people might look to be successful to everyone… but they will never feel good about themselves. They will frequently develop mental health problems. Bradshaw’s major point was that virtually all mental illness is due to toxic shame.
(“Toxic Shame” by Tikvah Lake)

The bottom line is this: Believing that someone else’s trauma is somehow bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both you and that person, because while you are wondering how they survived their trauma, they might be wondering how you survived yours. It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that what you’ve gone through isn’t as bad as what someone else has can hinder you from seeking the external help and support you need, thus keeping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive.

Look, have there not been many people who were bitten tiny spiders and died? Likewise, have there not been many people who were bitten by 15 foot sharks and died? Yes! Yes, there have! Guess what, though? THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING DEAD! Comparing the size of the metaphorical bite someone has suffered with someone else’s is disrespectful, belittling, invalidating, and emotionally emasculating. We ALL suffer trauma in one way or the other throughout the course of our lifetimes, albeit some more than others. The end result, however, is always the same … PAIN, SUFFERING, and sometimes even DEATH! We ALL deserve to be supported, if not at minimum, ACKNOWLEDGED in our trauma recovery. It’s NOT a competition, so, STOP comparing bite marks, and STOP allowing others to compare them for you! Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to heal your wounds, but don’t wallow in them for too long.

How long is too long? We all move about our cabins differently, because our realities are based upon our unique points of view, life experiences, core values instilled from childhood, and how we may be feeling at any given time. Everyone feels things differently! Nevertheless, the more someone tries convince themselves that it’s not okay to complain because “others have it worse”, the more all those feelings are going to weigh them down and eventually break their back.

But know this …

Once you’re done grieving the death of who you were before your trauma happened, you have to let it go. You’re allowed to move on, overcome, thrive, and rise above! Believe me when I say that all that pain inside your mind is ready to be set free – not stored, ignored, weighing you down, and breaking you.

I saw a quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:

Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.

No. Truer. TRUTH!

One day you’ll awaken to find yourself in front of a mirror with a Light pouring through all those cracks and shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my truest wish that you’ll fall to your knees and thank GOD for ever having been broken in the first place (no matter how much or how little)!

“Chin Up! Knuckles Out!”, friends! I may not personally know you, but you’re my people! Honestly? It’s only the “broken people” who I truly understand. Together, our shards are manifesting the most magnificent mosaic of all!

What if?

What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared, and confused, and those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Not only do I speak to you from a place of “broken”, but from a place of truly loved. I happen to know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks of my soul with the divinely punctuated Light that’s inside me every day. These days, when I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it to ME!

BROKEN

Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real? Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes, I know. Yes, I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}

MARCH 27, 2021: “Starving A Narcissist” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… but even THEN, sometimes it takes a fuckin’ minute to send IT packing for IT’S next meal!

In November of 1996, I “got to learn” the very hard way what really lied beneath the surface of one of the most narcissistic, evil “men” I’d ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with …

… and his name was John.

Note that as I wrote “man”, I literally and not metaphorically laughed my fucking ass off! I’ve since been enlightened as to the true measure of a man, and “man” gives him way more credit than what his very SMALL affect truly is (and I do mean SMALL in every way). He’s a hoovering narcissist. Nothing more and nothing less.

Narcissists begin to “hoover” when they want or need something from you:

• Attention
• Validation
• Money
• SEX 🤮

The main reason they hoover, though, is because they’re internally empty and void of a soul and have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless. So, they’ll do any and everything they possible can to fill the gaping hole in their “heart” and sustain their false self-image. They’re fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they STARVE! When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past. They usually have MANY “backups” (other exes) to feed off when they’re hungry again. Like predators, they knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they’ve preyed on before. They’ll try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures to convince you of how much they’ve “changed” and “care” for you.

As par for the course over the past 20 years, John has never fully left my atmosphere since our near fateful departure. Not long after he and Angie leveled me to the point of almost no return, he showed up at my home to deliver a stack of Christmas presents and a little somethin’ else. Keep in mind that he was already engaged to Angie at the time, and although NOTHING happened between “us”, something indeed happened between “him and himself” right there on my bed! It was one of the most twisted things I’d ever witnessed in my life, and this is saying a lot. After having driven myself crazy and spent time in a couple of “facilities”, not to mention some of the other twisted things I’d seen courtesy of my own fucked up and TWISTED family, trust me when I say that I’VE WITNESSED SOME TWISTED SHIT!

At first, he gaslit it all back to my insanity, but a friend hooked my phone up to a recording device so I could at least try to bait the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation. Lol! The dumbfuck actually fell for it! I then took the recording to the used car dealership that Angie’s family owned and played it for her father and brother, who was one of John’s best friends. Needless to say, it didn’t end well for the small man and dear, sweet ‘lil Angie. I’d been vindicated! Believe me when I say that although this tale seems way too far fetched, the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissist” at what was almost his best mind fuck EVER are both still very much alive to tell about it.

Meanwhile, some years later, in the irony of all ironies, despite the fact that he had always chastised the “pompous affluence” in the small town where I lived, guess which “pompous and affluent” town John and his now ex-wife, Wendy, built a home in? That’s right, people … OURS! In fact, they built their home in the subdivision that abutted the one where my parents still live today, which also abutted the subdivision my ex-husband and I used to live. So, imagine my surprise years later when I walked a then baby Gia to the park across the street from my home, only to find John’s wife and daughter there, too. I’m not gonna lie, I have long since wondered whether there was really any irony there at all.

Very long and sordid tale short, they eventually began working out at the Lifetime Fitness Center that was our “gym home” (and is still mine), and we would see them there often. At a certain point, in being polite, formal introductions were made, and my husband (who’s physical presence over-powered him by at least a half a foot and a hundred pounds) had even shaken his hand once. Meanwhile, Zack knew all about “John and Angie”, so, every time he saw me politely, yet ever so awkwardly ensnared by John’s attempts at conversation, he literally wanted to slit his throat. Both Zack and Gia had always said he looked like an actual snake (and now that I think of it, he kinda does), and whenever Gia sees him, she physically shudders.

Creepier still, both Angie and that ex-wife of his I’d met at the park after Angie dumped him had become a members at that gym. They were all there all the fucking time! But in my mind, bygones were now bygones, I was happy in my new life with Zack, so, it just was what it was

In his defense, I must admit that I brought his last round of bullshit on myself. Not because I’m weak … BECAUSE I’M FORGIVING! He’d reached out to me not too long after Zack died, and I’d even agreed to meet him for dinner because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that somehow he’d changed. Also? I thought it would be a good idea to finally have some closure there and relieve myself of some residual bitterness that still existed where he was concerned.

Needless to say, the dinner didn’t end well, and perhaps someday I’ll tell you why. As for now, I’ll reveal how this drama finally played out by showing you! If you pay close enough attention to the dates and times, you’ll clearly see it! Texting; Double-texting; “Feigned concern”; fucking BARF:

MARCH 27, 2020:

APRIL 5, 2020:

APRIL 6, 2020:

APRIL 12, 2020:

APRIL 29, 2020:

APRIL 30, 2020:

MAY 10, 2020:

MAY 24, 2020:

JUNE 13, 2020:

AUGUST 13 & 14, 2020:

THE END!

Well, kind of! On Tuesday, February 16th, he texted me again. Then again. Then again.

To which my final response is THIS:

Unaffected, unimpressed, and laughing my ass off again. Meanwhile, if you know this Diary, you know I have a song for almost every entry. Nope. Not this one. Music is my therapy … my happy place … MY EVERYTHING!

How very starved these two pathetic creatures posing as human beings must have been that my heart became meals for his very small affect and her insignificant, insecure, and insincere ego.

{“What Lied Beneath“}

So, in keeping with that train of thought, and instead of my usual “song”, I suppose all that really remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words:

Starve ‘lil narcissist!

STARVE!

MARCH 25, 2021: “86,400” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

So, Cat, how’d that whole “family dinner” project turn out?

SUCCESS!

This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape, and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.

To anyone reading this who’s at odds with one of “your people” or even yourself, it’s never too late to start again! Indeed, it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.

Hurt People HURT People.

Healed People HEAL People!

While no one really knows what the end game really is, I’m pretty damn sure that FORGIVENESS is the answer to the greatest cosmic mystery of all:

WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE?

You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for any of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you that forgiveness is EVERYTHING! Besides, as I’ve said before and will now say again, it’s not time that heals our wounds, its what we do with that time that heals our wounds. Learning how to forgive not just ourselves, but others as well for the crime of being human, is not only the most healing medicine of all, but also one of the purest forms of self-love and care.

Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well and spend those seconds wisely so that if you must leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES“!

MARCH 23, 2021: “Taking The Crown” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …

You,

Are,

AMAZING!

“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!

And remember …

It’s okay to scream out loud that you’re way too good for assholes and their bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you, too, are a badass, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. Don’t let anyone lower you to their “surface level”. If they can’t or won’t rise to you, leave them at the bottom.

Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do, and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!

MARCH 17, 2021: “The Hidden Message” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.

I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? THEN I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and wrote “Desperado“. THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton an actual ton of bricks:

What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really happening on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that indeed, it is true, that “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the only big picture we were ever meant to understand.

… and, with that, I am STILL the luckiest Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, STILL God’s favorite daughter, and STILL blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your not so hidden “hidden messages” are coming through louder and clearer with every step I’m allowed to take.

MARCH 16, 2021: “All Things New” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away for a “King Williamson style” staycay that once contained the $15 gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds!

Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasure yet again, making beauty from random things and extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!

My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist, she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as known, and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.

She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacy burning up through all of our ashes to their own phoenix way of life.

MARCH 15, 2021: “I’m Free” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or read this Diary. I know that I’m a little too much of everything at times and that my open, raw, transparent, and a little too unfiltered vulnerability isn’t for the faint of heart. There’s an ass for every seat, so, if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good.

In the meantime, I really am trying to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a final destination. I’m just thinking that my journey is the destination, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a period … only ever a semi-colon … because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.

This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a long time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “it’s all about forgiveness” stance, yet, not forgiving the HURT people who have hurt ME. This morning, I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is chance that he will neither read my words or accept them. But, I’ve said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.

Ironically, the first time I ever heard this beautiful song was way back in 1996 while I was volunteering with a local prison ministry, Reaching America’s Youth, trying desperately to reach the incarcerated youth of Texas with a message of faith, hope, grace, salvation, and FREEDOM. Truth being told, while it was, indeed, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, it was, too, one of the most helpless feeling experiences of my life. But you see, little did I really understand back then, just because a human being is “physically” free to roam about this world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re TRULY “free”. I, myself, have been incarcerated by prison bars of my own making for far too many years to count. Tonight? I broke through yet another one of those bars, if not one of the most important.

Dad, if you ever see this …

I LOVE YOU and I’M SORRY!

FREE

The Sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}