“Dear Mom …”

Could any two words in the history of written language EVER melt a heart so quickly as they do mine? OH, but the irony here! In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a very sentimental person. It’s all those little things in my life, like the sticks, the rocks, the dried-up flowers, and love notes from my people that mean literally “everything” to me … and yes, to the best of my ability … I KEEP THEM ALL! I’ve had this love note from Gia to me and Zack resting on the typing stand on my desk since literally the day I found it waiting on my keyboard to be found as a surprise and read, “November 29, 2014”. The other one, however, I only recently found when I was shuffling through a stack of papers that were inside my desk that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. You know the stack? “Toss it, or keep it? Hmm. I’ll just keep it and deal with it later!” Meanwhile, years later, and ya FINALLY start going through it all!

The love note from Christian (“Circa 2008”, age 16) was also left as a surprise for me to find on the keyboard of my computer when I was still living at His house with all of them. Sadly, it wasn’t too long afterwards that I’d made my final exit once and for all. And by the way, how completely crazy is it that both their notes were done in either the same or a very similar font? For the record, I chose today to publish this post because it’s “midway” between November 29th and December 18th. I just split the difference and landed here!

I’m not gonna lie, when I found Christian’s note, it tore me up pretty good, but not in the traditional “torn up” way. It was good. A river of tears flowing from my eyes at just the right time and space. It’s these precious little bits of “everything” from days gone by that remind me that although I’ve definitely had my fair share of screw ups and not-so-stellar mom moments, at the end of the day, this is what I’ve been fighting for. I carry them while they carry me forward as a Light to punctuate their dark.

In being honest, these love notes from my kids do also make me a little bit sad. That king who gave us absolutely everything never had this as a child, and that’s what eventually broke him. She shattered him into pieces and now he’s gone. Luckily, however, I can let him rest in peace knowing that he did finally have a home and “everything” to carry him through the season we were lucky enough to call him ours.

Hey, God? Thank You. No, really. THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies?

“This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … your floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand!

Love, Mom

(“I’ll Carry Them“)

First of all, my sincere gratitude to the talented young artist I’ve befriended on Instagram, Ryze Black, for collaborating with me on this project. I sent her the words for which I needed a backdrop late the night with a commission:

I need a superhero looking silhouette with a cape to go with these words. Can you do that?

This picture you see is the final result and I couldn’t be happier with it! In the meantime, please don’t forget for remember that “broken kids” aren’t always kids. Sometimes we’re adults. Treat yourself kindly, with patience, love, and respect, and validate yourself in all things always! TELL THAT BROKEN KID HIDING BENEATH YOUR SKIN THAT THEY’RE TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME AND THEY DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE BROKEN!

“Reparenting.”

It’s everything! The first day in your adult life that you’re able to show that broken kid you once were (or the kid you never got to be) some empathy, grace, unconditional love, and compassion, will be the first day of the rest of your life. I call “that day” my second birthday, and yes, my friends, I remember exactly where I was when I began the reparenting of “younger me”. It was April 8, 2008, and it truly was the beginning of who I’ve become.

Much love to all of you “broken adult kiddos” out there. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Your cape will be waiting by the mirror! Find it. Accept it. Embrace it. WEAR IT! Let it adorn your “sick of being tired” shoulders and RISE YOU UP to who you’re waiting to become … your very own superhero – YOU!

“Lord Walter The Williamson”

He’s one of the five reigning kings of my heart. Another is my God. Another is my son. Two others are now resting in peace. I am one very lucky Queen! That is all.

Can I get an amen AND a witness?

A well-stamped passport and an abundance of travel memories (at home AND abroad) as a child is the number one key to destroying hatred, bigotry, racism, and xenophobia as an adult! We gotta keep their horizons BROAD so their minds can stay WIDE OPEN!

As I’ve said before, of all the many legacies the king left behind, perhaps the most treasured are our many “adventures”. Although he didn’t know it when we met, because the life he’d lived before us was mostly solitaire and uneventful, Williamson was a natural born adventurer at heart. It wasn’t long after our first trip together that he developed the same steadfast passion for travel that I’ve always had. There were so many nights he’d sit endlessly researching all the places he wanted to take us … and even more so, the places he wanted to take Gia. Once he’d decided that he was going to be the first one to take her to Europe, IT WAS ALL UPHILL FROM THERE! He had it firm in his mind that we would put one stamp in her Passport each year she of high school and college if possible, which for the record, is just one of the promises he made that I fully intend to keep!

Sadly, I can count on less than one hand all the places my ex-husband took me and the kids, and in fact, since the day she was born he has taken Gia NOWHERE! Not one place … not one time … ZERO “adventures” have they had. Traveling was just never his thing I suppose. Well, correction … “traveling with us” that is. He is more than par to the task, but only if it suits him, and according to “who” the priority is at any given time. I have it on good record that in over the years he has done his own fair share of traveling, but again, just not with our kids. Perhaps one of the most heart-breaking conversations I’ve ever had in my life was several years ago when I was sitting with Christian and his girlfriend at the time going through all his childhood scrapbooks.

Mom, why isn’t dad in any of these pictures?

He was right. His dad wasn’t in any of the travel pictures in his albums. For the most part, in our combined sixteen years together, I was the only one who took our son “on adventures”. Not Him. ME! It was always just me and Christian … either with my family or on our own. But you see, Christian had forgotten that part, as I believe he had had subliminally blocked that very painful reality from his memory. In being honest, I UNDERSTAND WHY, as my father never really traveled much with us either. In that moment, I think my heart shattered in a whole new kind of way, and to this day it breaks my heart when I hear those sobering words my son spoke echoing in the back of my mind. Zack understood my heartbreak in that regard, and to the best of his ability tried to include Christian in as many of our “adventures” as possible. It was just another of the many reasons I fell in love with him over and over and over!

In the meantime, I remain grateful for all the many opportunities I’ve had with my both Zack AND my kids to see as much of this beautiful Atlas as possible and also for the fact that because of the not so unfortunate position be left me in, I am STILL afforded the luxury of a living life out of a suitcase at whim!

I am fully aware that not everyone is so fortunate and do not take that for granted. At the end of the day, to see, smell, taste, hear and experience EVERYTHING in EVERY corner of this Earth is one of my truest passions.

Call me a gypsy, a wanderer, or a vagabond … but one day I hope my kids’ kids will look back fondly at me and say, “WOW! Just WOW! That Crazy Grandma Cat of ours was quite the adventurer”! It’s one of the most important legacies I want to leave behind when it’s time for my greatest adventure of all!

THE GREAT ADVENTURE

Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today. Another time around the circle. Try to make it better than the last. I opened up the Bible and I read about You and me. Said we’d all been prisoners and God’s grace had set us all free. Somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt. I saw a big frontier in front of me, and I heard Somebody say, “let’s go”! Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze. Through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure. So come on get ready for the ride of your life! Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind and discover all the new horizons waiting to be explored. This is what we were created for. Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure! We’ll travel long, over mountains so high. We’ll go through valleys so low. Still through it all we’ll find that this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see. The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams. {Stephen Curtis Chapman}

Thank you kindly “Dr. X”, but you should see my heart, my mind, my soul, and my steadfast loyalty and servitude. Especially since those are the ONLY things about me that will stand the test of time, age and gravity. So, with that …

… ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’M THE NICEST BITCH YOU’LL EVER MEET. I’m a queen who will HAPPILY reign alone, but not lonely on this Earth for as long as I’m allowed to live here if there isn’t one last king out there waiting for me somewhere with a much better opener than “you’re so pretty”. Umm, hey, “Doctor X”? YOU’RE SO BLOCKED! Also? You’re so gross!

… that moment you’re so proud of yourself when “that one song from your past” cues up as your driving, only this time it doesn’t make you cry.

God has been so good to me in all the ways He’s helped me find closure and peace with the many black roses from my past … not the LEAST of which was myself! Trust me when I say that I wasn’t always so upbeat, Light-filled, “Divinely punctuated“, and optimistic. If you’ve read any of the chapters from the beginning of this Diary, you know exactly what I’m talking about. There was a very dark time in my life when I was the blackest rose of them all. Such is life, then we live, we learn, and move on.

Trapt is one of my all-time favorite bands by the way, and Black Rose one of the songs of my life. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen. IT’S SO PRETTY! But hey, if you do, I want you to tell me something, PLEASE! Can you say that when you get to the guitar solo at “3:23” it doesn’t send chills up your spine or make you cry?

I CANNOT!

It’s actually one of the most beloved guitar solos I’ve ever heard and never too far from my heart, no matter my mood. Truth being told, there have been times when I’ve probably replayed it 50 times in a row just so I could emotionally cut myself and make myself cry when I couldn’t. Meanwhile, thank you God for the roses of my life … even the black ones.

BLACK ROSE

I saw you in the garden – I wanted you so much. I really thought that you were different, oh I couldn’t get enough. I tried to save you from yourself – I felt every high and low. But the lows have drowned the highs away, now there’s no where else to go. Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time. Black rose I watched your petals wilt away. I couldn’t bring you back to life! You were always where The Sun could never go. I never wanted you to have to be alone. But I couldn’t find a way to help you grow … Black Rose. You never tell me how you feel, and your moods they always change. I really tried to make it real, but you never had the faith. I tried to give you something good to take the pain away. I tried to make you understand – you don’t have to be this way … {Trapt}

I didn’t want this day to go by without recognizing this very important “Facebook memory” from one year ago today.

It wasn’t clear WHY Gia was in such a panic getting ready for school today. Until it was. The revelation was just so bittersweet, and let me tell you why …

God, please let that hoodie reappear. Like me, one of the things she is most proud to say is “she was in the Horton family”. She knows how hard he worked to create the life he made for us and knows that company had so much to do with how we got here. Not just materially, either. While all this “stuff” is super nice background noise, the best background noise we have is the beautiful reality that his very successful career at DR Horton gave him the sense of accomplishment, belonging, and validation he’d needed for so long. Horton was his “other family”, and ours, too, and for that we will always be grateful.

It makes her feel close … makes her smile … it’s like he’s with her almost ’til the tears take over. She’s still in hell, but she tells herself she’s ready to let him go, ’cause that makes her feel close.

So much has changed in both her mind and heart since the day this post was made, and although we never found that hoodie, what I can tell you is this: We have found peace, solace, and so many beautiful reasons to be thankful as we keep sifting through the things that make us feel close. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Despite the way this chapter of our story ended, we are still two very lucky girls!

Of course I don’t mind if you ask what my name is …

… so long as YOU don’t mind

ME saying you’re a moron!

Listen up people! This is me just being REAL! If you’ve read anything I’ve written or watched a single one of my videos, surely you must have realized by now that as positive, uplifting, gracious, and FORGIVING as my heart can truly be, I really am “the nicest bitch EVER“! Some things just have to be screamed out loud … and in this case? Well, you can just listen for yourself.

I struggled as to whether or not I should bother to respond to this bullshit message, but have decided to let you know …

It is now clear that you know nothing about my heart, so I’ll fill you in on a not so little secret: I am an empath who absorbs other people’s feelings and burdens as my own, especially those who are close to me. As such, I have spent the entire last seven months of COVID worrying for my friends, family and strangers, feeling helpless that I can’t just ZAP everyone’s lives into blissful perfection. I have shed countless tears, prayed daily for others, and done everything in my power to be “a Light” in the darkness, DESPITE the fact that 427 days ago the love of my life blew his fucking brains out and DEVASTATED me and mine in unspeakable ways that most people don’t and will never know (but YOU do). I am now a widow who has also “struggled”, with not only COVID, but countless other thoughts, burdens and stresses that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, all the while having still managed to at least TRY to think outside of myself and be thoughtful and mindful of others. I too have been near “a cliff”, and though it may not be as steep as yours, it is real just the same.

I was at a stop light when I saw your post and misinterpreted “your situation”. I’d honed in on the fact that you might have to sit in a 2-hour line to get a Chromebook for your son, which evidently was not the case. My first thought was about the like-new Chromebook that Gia had been trying to sell, so, I either texted or called you immediately. For the record, my intention was NEVER to sell it to you, and I apologize if that’s what you thought. Gia doesn’t need $100 and neither do I. My only thought at that moment was, “Oh no! A 2-hour line for a Chromebook? Maybe I could just bring her Gia’s.” ZERO was I “disregarding” either that situation or any situation you and yours have been dealing with as of late. I was JUST trying to help you be less stressed out.

Keep in mind that the weekend prior, I had made a gift bag to “ding dong ditch” your porch with on your birthday, but when I went to your page that day to write on your wall, I saw you on a getaway with your family and decided to hold off. Time passed and I had neither heard from or seen much of you on Facebook, so I tried to find out what was going on. I texted you two or three times. No response! I even thought about going to your house, but instead messaged your husband because I was worried that something was wrong. Then I got your text and realized that yet again (for the second time in 20 plus years) I’d, been, “GHOSTED”! And why is that? Because my well-intended message to you “kind of came across as disregarding your situation when you were already struggling”. Neither my words, thoughts or intended deeds were good enough and had to be punished!

When I got your text, I all but lost it and beat myself up pretty good! “OMG! What did I do? I hurt her feelings? Made her feel disregarded? What could I have done better? What could I have SAID better?” I felt like a terrible friend and awful person! Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps I did have good intentions and was just trying to help, but because I too am struggling, your assumption that I was “disregarding your situation” was WRONG? Short of that, could you have possibly shown some grace and cut me some slack for failing to regard “your situation” in the manner that you would have preferred? Yah, not so much!

Let me tell you about my “situation”. I had to actually run away to get my broken head, heart and feelings together after coming pretty damn close to falling off my own cliff! What you did to me was beyond unfair, if not cruel, and started cracking my heart in a brand new place. By the time my own birthday came and went and most of my “friends” forgot me, I think I was pretty much done … with all of this! I just survived an entire LIFETIME of walking on fucking eggshells in “relationship gauntlets” where the people I loved and trusted refused to extend grace for my MANY human failures and would punish me with silent treatments or “washing their hands of me”. The irony here is that ALL I’VE EVER WANTED is for “my people” to be happy, feel cared for, and NEVER have to wonder what they mean to me. The problem is that I’m not a mind reader, soooo … all I’ve ever been able to do is the best that I can do, which evidently isn’t good enough people like YOU!

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel “disregarded”. If you knew me at all, you’d know that’s NOT how I roll. If this is “friendship”? No thanks, I’ll pass! And I especially don’t need “friends” who profess to be Christian followers of Jesus yet treat others this way. No grace? No compassion? NO THANK YOU! I’d rather be ALONE with my heart in the exact right place than “in the world” with people like you who could take me or fucking leave me. True friendships should neither be conditional nor contingent upon perfect behavior and impossibly high standards, up to and including “mind reading”. Walking on your eggshells doesn’t work for me anymore!

I was a damn good friend to you, and don’t you ever forget it! Or, DO. I don’t give a fuck! I did my very best to support all your endeavors and “situations” and have never been too busy to remember you, regardless of my struggles, and trust me, I’ve had some! I am fifty fucking ONE-derful years old now “friend”, and since you too forgot me on September 17th, I opened the candle I got when I didn’t forget you on August 8th and burned it for myself, alone, on my birthday! I deserve so much better than “I can take her or leave her”, or, “I’ll just punish her because she wasn’t clairvoyant enough to know the exact right thing to do for my situation.

So, with that, this is me … GHOSTING you! QUEENS DON’T TAKE SCRAPS FROM ANYONE! As a human being, I will always love you, but otherwise, you are DEAD to me!

Earlier today, I was wandering through the castle in search of the Mona Lisa and her faithful companion, only to find them “perched at their perch” atop of the staircase he built just for her. She was playing a favorite old album she’d scored at a treasure shop near our home on the Victrola she bought with her own money … because that’s just how she rolls. She was belting Bohemian Rhapsody out loud, and he was just howling right along. Seeing the two of them like that actually took my breathe away, and after I snapped this pic, I quietly slipped back to my room for one of my famous “panic chair” moments.

If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side (one of my favorite movies ever), you know exactly what I’m talking about. It was that moment when she found out that Michael had never had a bed of his own and became flooded with emotions she didn’t want him to see. She went to her room, sat quietly in her chair, and just “allow” herself” to cry for a minute. For all her endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care and space were necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing “this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions, I’d disappear into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for the umteenth time in our season together, he finally pointed it out:

You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.

(“The Panic Chair“)

These days, that’s what I’ve become. Strong, soft, endlessly stoic, and a sponge of emotions at once. No matter the landslide of whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment, be it good, bad, or indifferent, sometimes I just have to sit down, take a breath, and let myself feel all of it!

The good news is that on this particular day, the search for two of the only loves left in my life that led me to find them in singsong was, indeed, one of my trues rhapsodies. I have truly been struggling with Zack’s suicide as of late. It’s not so much about the fact that’s he’s never coming home again as its coming to the sobering realization that although I’m not “lonely” being alone now, I am feeling forsaken and abandoned by many of the people I once believed were friends. This seemingly insignificant moment of Light in the darkness I am trying hard not to drown in these days helped me set things back into a renewed perspective. For this, I’m thankful …

… because it’s easy come, easy go, little high, little low. Any way the wind blows … doesn’t really matter … AT ALL!

Dear God,

Please let me be “this one”, even on my worst days EVER! Sanctified. That’s what I meant. Let me be sanctified. Okay, that’s all. Oh, and by the way, thank You … for EVERYTHING!

I LOVE YOU!

~ Me

“It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to!”

No, just kidding. But seriously. Today is my birthday … “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years old! Indeed, I am “FIFTY-ONE-DERFUL”! With that, I want to share something special that happened in my cosmos in the last 24 hours, and as I’m writing this, I’ve got “Butterfly Kisses” playing in the background, and yes, I’m in tears …

It’s probably not much of a surprise to anyone that I either was, or wasn’t, depending on which moment you’d have asked, looking forward to celebrating myself this year. Although technically this is my second birthday without him, given the fact that at this time last year I was just 27 days post “YOU KNOW” and still being severely medicated to actual physical numbness, I am actually considering this to be my first true “birthday without him”.

Happy birthday, me! You’re now a WIDOW!

Truth being told, as I’ve powered down the road no one ever wants to walk and risen so far above all these ashes, there came a point this year when I was determined to CELEBRATE “Fifty-ONE-Derful” in an obnoxiously spectacular way! I’d even gone so far as to ASK for someone to throw me a party, which was so unlike me that there really are no words … except to say that if you know me at all, you know that I don’t like to celebrate my own birthday. In my mind, however, I more than deserved an obnoxious celebration, especially given the fact that my my big “FIVE-0” last year was anything but golden! Instead of standing before The Lion Of Lucerne during what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime he had planned and paid for one full year in advance, I spent the vast majority of that day laying in bed alone just staring at the urn on my nightstand.

But you see, if there was just one thing you should know about my husband, it was that both of our birthdays, mine and Gia’s, were all but national holidays in our home. Not a year went by in the ten years we had him “healthy” that he didn’t pour every ounce of his heart, soul and whatever resources he had at to make sure that “his girls” were celebrated emphatically for all that we meant to his existence. Keep in mind that until he had “us”, no one really celebrated him on his birthday, and that, my friends, is one of the most painful, tragic truths that still haunts me to this day. That “thing” that gave birth to him didn’t even remember the day he was born.

Keep in mind that I am very much aware that under the circumstances, “birthdays” this year must have stunk for everyone … not just me. COVID-19 crashed all of our parties and celebrations. I was still a little bummed, though, if not downright sorry for myself as I was sulking in my room yesterday just staring at his urn:

Zack would NEVER have let this happen! Two years ago today, he whisked me away to Paris. Some birthday butterfly I am. The days of being celebrated are GONE!

Then, I closed my eyes and fell asleep praying to God that I could just zap myself back to two years ago yesterday. THEN IT HAPPENED! It was the birthday gift I never saw coming or knew I was gonna need! In the midst of my nap, in the darkened room with my husband’s ashes beside me, the angel I call daughter had quietly found her way to the side of my bed, adjusted my blanket, then leaned over to gently kiss my forehead.

As I’ve said so many times before, there are so many parts of our parts of this journey we are on that no one will ever truly understand. So many delicate conversations that we have yet to have, and maybe we never will. Things she knows. Things I know. Things we both just have to be okay “knowing” may never be spoken about at all. The complications with Zack’s insanity have forced us to have to nurture some of each other’s wounds quietly, so, her checking on me yesterday the way that she did was the most precious “unspoken” nurturing of all. She didn’t and still doesn’t know that I was aware of what she did, but it happened nonetheless.

And just like that, my former worry that I’d never be celebrated again hit the floor in the best way possible … kinda like my heart did when she gifted me with exactly what I needed at exactly the perfect time! Perhaps the greatest irony here is that even as I’m writing this, she, too, is a little disappointed in herself because she wasn’t able to do anything special for my birthday. Gia, I’m not sure when you’ll finally begin reading this “love letter” I’m writing to you and your brother, but when that day comes, please know THAT I KNOW exactly what you did yesterday when you thought I was asleep! You did do something special for me, if not one of the most special things of my last “Fifty-One-Derful” years. I love you, Mona Lisa, and I see you.