Facing yourself in the mirror, day after day, as a fake, a fraud and a murder. Yes, I believe that eating disorders are nothing less than murder attempts of OURSELVES. Please let me explain …
I am in my eighth year of recovery, after 19 years active. I overcame “my dragon” by “overcoming myself”. I had to find my own missing reflection in the mirror, which, was difficult, but I did it. I slayed her. The beast. “My dragon”. She could have killed me by the way, so yes, I was allowing this beast to try and MURDER me! Nothing more. Nothing less. This is something I wrote in May of 2008, the day I started my journey out of the cave she and I were living in. It’s long, but it is me, and it is real: “In The Light“
I sincerely hope this reaches anyone who is struggling with a dragon of their own find the strength and courage to FIGHT! PLEASE, my friends, FIGHT YOUR DRAGON! You can do it. Be strong. Pick up your swords. CUT HER AT THE NECK and walk away. Every single one of you deserves so much better than the DARK cave this thing has you sequestered in. You. Can. Do. This! … Cat (a/k/a “The Dragon Slayer“)
… because who else could I possibly blame for the current state of my broken but still beating heart? How else could I possibly explain what isn’t happening to me in the wake of all this devastation? While driving home yesterday it hit me once again, that yes, it is true, I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN!Let me tell you why …
Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.
Keep in mind that the entrance to this subdivision is at an intersection on the main thoroughfare between the very small town that I live in and the larger neighboring one. Since the majority of my time is spent in the neighboring one, unless I make a consorted effort to avoid that intersection I love to hate so much, I have no choice but to traverse that road often multiple times daily and come face to face with THESE gut-wrenching, sobering facts:
I’m not gonna lie, in the immediate weeks that followed his suicide, I avoided that road at all costs and had made a firm pact with myself to NEVER drive down it again. After all, what person in their right mind could under the circumstances? So many of my people were highly concerned for me in that regard, and rightfully so.
But here’s the deal …
It’s not me … it’s Him! I’m tellin’ you, people! IT’S HIM(and the “ghost gang” He’s got covering me 25/8, 366 days a year! Call them angels. Call them spirits. Call them whatever in Heaven or “Somewhere” other than here that you want. All I know is that “whoever they are” or “whatever they are” is very, extremely real to me, and for that, I am infinitely thankful.
GHOST
There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not like those draped in old bed sheets. Saying “trick or treat”. Different. Oh, this ghost is different. Not one that leaves me scared to death. But one that puts my fear to rest. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not something from some campfire story. Where I’m terrified to sleep. Opposite. This ghost is quite the opposite. He came just like a welcomed friend. And I was comforted. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. No longer afraid. {Mercy Me}
Last night I dreamt about Zack for what seemed like hours, one very real scene after another, but it wasn’t until Gia and I got in the car to go to school that she something that literally knocked the breathe out of me:
She hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice. He’s just been gone. So, what are the chances that he would avail himself to both of us on the very same night in such a truly powerful way? It was no coincidence. It was him … and it was real!
Although she hasn’t told me what the dream was about or the specifics of his presence, I could see she that was even more at peace and relaxed than ever today. Whatever the nature of his visit to her may have been, it was clearly very real to her, as well!
Sooner or later she will “tell me everything”, and I’m beyond thankful for the bond I share with both my kids in this regard. It may be months or even years before she finally does, but it doesn’t really matter, because in this moment all I know is he was here to finally answer my most burning questions and let me know he’s still with me, still watching me, and isn’t not going anywhere.
For the record, he also said:
There’s something coming. Something huge. Something bigger than you can imagine. SOME “ONE”. You’re going to be okay. I love you, Catherine. I always did and always will. I’m sorry I hurt you both … I’m sorry that I left you this way … It wasn’t about you, it was ME … but you’re doing so good and I’m SO proud of you. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing and believe that everything is going to be okay. Better than okay. I promise.
There were other very specific things he said about my future, all of which are now written on a piece of paper in my nightstand drawer that I will share with the small handful of people who are closest to me as a solid point of reference and accountability to their validity down the road if and when they do actually avail themselves in the manner in which he said.
So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Maybe I am! But hey, it is what it is! I believe in my heart that he’s still walking with me. THEY ALL ARE! My angels will always walk with me and their love is still very much alive. True love never dies … it just “slips into the next room” …
WALK WITH ANGELS
Love is alive – alive like a newborn child. Love is a war – broken and running wild. Love is a thief and it’s stealing our hearts tonight. You give it to me. You’ve given me all I need. You’re all I see. You’re all I wanted to be. Can you take me with you where you walk with angels? Where you walk with angels. Love’s around you now. You walk with angels wherever you are. You walk with angels …” {Aaron Hendra}
Having proceeded with this trip despite the literal and metaphorical ashes he left us in, I’d decided that this would be the perfect place to spread the first of his ashes. Not only because this was supposed to be his trip, too, but more so because it’s somewhere he belonged. Although he never lived here, after having traced his ancestry to find out who he really was, much to his surprise, he’d discovered that he was of predominantly European descent. So, when we stumbled upon the beautiful brook that runs about The Blarney Castle gardens, we just knew it was the perfect spot!
Since his “blood” never bothered to take him home, my kids and I have firmly decided that not only did they never deserve him in the first place, they will never get to have him again. In the years to come, we will include the ashes we had formerly set aside for them amongst those we will journey with to the many places his ancestors once called “home”, not the least of which is Wales, where we discovered the origin of his Williamson klan.
So, with that, I will end with my adaptation the most befitting lyrics for this moment …
Zachariah,
Despite your many mistakes and all the ways you hurt us, I knew your heart AND your faith in God. I cannot and will not discount the unconditional forgiveness and grace that He showed in that moment He reached for your hand. I know your faith was rewarded when you came to your end, and no final warning did you miss. Yes, He called for you, and He saw your soul within, and yes, Zachariah, you were worthy. He was with you after all, and although the demon that was living in your head prevented you from hearing His voice or feeling His presence, indeed He was with you through it all as the ashes of Eden did fall. The darkness is no longer falling upon you. The air no longer grows thin. No more voices haunting. You have nothing left to fear. There is nothing left but the shining Light from Heaven above Who has taken your hand to His everlasting will.
ASHES OF EDEN
Will the faithful be rewarded when we come to the end? Will I miss the final warning from the lie that I have lived? Is there anybody calling? I can see the soul within, and I am not worthy. I am not worthy of this. Are you with me after all? Why can’t I hear you? Are you with me through it all? Then why can’t I feel you? Stay with me don’t let me go because there’s nothing left at all. Stay with me don’t let me go until the ashes of Eden fall. Will the darkness fall upon me when the air is growing thin? Will the Light begin to pull me to its everlasting will? I can hear the voices haunting. There is nothing left to fear. And I am still calling. I am still calling to You. Heaven above me, take my hand. Shine until there’s nothing left but You. {Breaking Benjamin}
~ January 6, 2021 ~ (At The Bunratty Castle, Ireland)
This was one of THE best nights of our life!
Well I’m gonna sing the only song there is to sing!
… then my son sang our National Anthem! Even despite what the three of us have been through, who was missing, and why we were even on this trip to Ireland in the first place, if only we had known what was to become of this beautiful country not too long after we arrived home.
Oh say can you see … by the dawn’s early light … what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare … the bombs bursting in … gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave … o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.
For the record, I’m a lover of every country on this beautiful Atlas. Of course, I’m a Patriot, but more so than anything, I am a human being who is thankful for human beings … no matter “where” on this globe they call home or the shade of skin they wear. My pride in America is by no means a slight or disregard to any other country’s soil. I’m a blessed American woman, indeed it is true. But I’m for the love of all people – everywhere – because … WE ALL BLEED RED!
I struggled this morning as to what if anything to say about “the very first social event without my husband” last night because honestly, I am just so overwhelmed and TRAUMATIZED all over again! So perhaps I’ll just lead with some friendly advice for anyone out there who unbeknownst to them struggles with “unhealthy boundaries” …
To begin, here is what Wikia.org says about “personal boundaries” (and please DO click on this link THIS VERY IMPORTANT LINK for more information when you are either extremely bored OR extremely ready to conduct a quick self-examination as to where you are on the boundaries spectrum):
Personal boundaries are an aspect of psychological boundaries and are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. “Personal boundaries” define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like … how close someone can get to you.
One last piece of advice I’d like to offer against what again I’m sure are seemingly innocent comments and remarks from well-intended people. I appreciate being told “I’m beautiful”. Truly, I do, and I’m not trying to sound like a bitch, but I am in fact aware of “how I look“. Okay, I agree, I not that unfortunate looking. I’m comfortable writing those words out loud now because only I know how long it finally took me to find my actual reflection in a mirror! It took a hell of a lot of work on behalf less than a handful of people to get me to finally “see me” the way other people see me on the outside. Eternal is the gratitude for my very first angel, “the Flyboy“. All of “this” started with him, then Zack picked up where he left off, and I will NEVER forget that day in his apartment he grabbed me by the arms and physically forced me in front of the mirror while he stood behind me repeating:
YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! LOOK AT YOURSELF CATHERINE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! SAY IT! I’M NOT LETTING YOU GO UNTIL YOU SAY IT!”
And then I did, and here I am. Yes, I am beautiful. The irony here is the first time Zack ever saw me in January of 2009 my presentation was, umm, tragic, to say the least. If he were still here, he’d be the first to admit that I looked like a freaking train wreck. I was in the worst shape of my life, hadn’t been sleeping, was physically disfigured in the most egregious way, and about five minutes away from my final nervous breakdown. He used to say, “Every time she showed up at the gym, she looked kind of like a homeless person”. So, trust me when I tell you – our love story did NOT begin with “wow you’re just so beautiful”. He loved me as I was, scars and all, for the very first time in my life, and for that precious reason my fallen King’s mirror of not only my reflection but most importantly my soul will always be the standard by which I judge anyone’s regard for my “beauty”.
There is probably not a human being on the face of this planet that doesn’t appreciate verbal affirmation from others, and yes, compliments in the right dose are an integral part of how our confidence is assimilated. But over and over and over again? “You’re so pretty. You’re so beautiful. You are such an attractive person.” Okay, so tell me once and that’s it! Anything more is not only overkill, but more so the polar OPPOSITE of what has ever attracted me to a man.Observations, judgments and validations about “my surface” in my life before Zack were more than half of what made me sick in the very first place and nope, I don’t care if someone thinks I’m beautiful (at least not on the outside). Quite frankly? THAT REPELS ME! Yes, this is a boundary issue with not only me but quite possibly many struggling people out there. Such an OLD cliche’ but true nonetheless: DON’T JUDGE THE BOOK BY IT’S COVER!
These things needed to be said, and now that I’ve said them, I feel much better. Guess I just needed to remind myself about the boundaries I’ve fought so hard to understand, respect and build in the first place. So, with that, I guess I’ll just have to find a way to be thankful for my re-traumitization last night. It was a lesson for sure, and now maybe a lesson for some of you as well. There is indeed a time and place for everything – EVEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GRIEF! If you know someone has been through a trauma of any kind and you want to talk to them about it, just ask them first if they want to talk about it. They may want to. They may not. But the choice should be theirs, not yours.
In order to fully appreciate these videos, first travel back with me a bit. If only I’d known how “one little moment in October” was going to play out and become such an important part of our journey I’d have kept better record of the exact date and time. But alas …
“AUGUST 22, 2019“. Sufficed to say, there are still so many parts of “that night” and what led up to it that most people don’t know, don’t need to know, and quite frankly, may NEVER know, simply because so much of this nightmare has traumatized Gia in ways that will impact her psyche forever. She has so much to process through that I simply cannot explain and her road to recovery is not going to be easy.
That being said, and as some of you already know, she had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and depression of her own that night. Meanwhile, at just around 10:30 in the morning on August 23, 2019, I stepped outside her room for just a minute only to see the Parker police chief walking up the hallway towards me with “that look on his face” thatI already knew what he was going to say, but then the words:
Mrs. Williamson, we did locate your husband in his car this morning with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I am so sorry to inform you that he is, in fact, deceased.
… at which point I fell to the ground with a guttural wail that I’m told could be heard throughout the hospital. An hour later, she was taken by ambulance from the ER to in-patient treatment where she stayed for the eight longest days of my life.
Very long and tragic story short? My daughter has suffered! Of course, we both have, but her heart is broken in ways and pieces that I can’t even begin the fathom. After “that night”, with the exception of the pure happiness she was feeling on the first day at her new school, MY DAUGHTER COULD NOT SMILE! She’d been broken in too many ways by too many people to count for so many years ahead of “that night” that by the time he went and left us the way he did, she was DONE with smiling, and understandably so.
Meanwhile, last year when we moved to Parker we noticed this “holiday house” near ours. You know, “one of those houses” where the homeowners go completely overboard in all the right ways to make passers by drive past SMILING and leave filled with holiday joy and spirit! Well, these “holiday house” people even decked their halls for Halloween, which by the way, is Gia’s favorite holiday of all!
The displays they put out each season are absolutely incredible and only God Himself knows how much time they must spend putting them together. They’re synced up with a local radio station, the character boards dance and sing with lights, lights, and more lights everywhere! Last year, all three of us must driven by both displays at least a dozen times, and Zack and Gia had been looking so forward to seeing what they were going to put out this year.
So that with, I’ll go ahead and get to the point. This October, Gia and I were on our way home when lo and behold, “the Halloween display was up”! But she was so downtrodden and her was spirit still so broken, that as we approached their house (which is situated on the corner of a thoroughfare we pass by to get home every single day) she didn’t even glance at it. Her elbow was resting on the door with her chin in hand and she was just … silent. Still, I decided to make the turn and stop in front of the display anyway, thinking, “what could it hurt”. Well am I ever glad I did!
As we sat there watching the digital monsters doing their little dance and the light display just a rollin’ and poppin’, I caught a glimpse at the side of her face and I just about started to cry. No, wait! I did cry! SHE WAS SMILING! For the first time in SO LONG … SHE WAS SMILING! It was probably one of THE best nights I’ve had since this nightmare started, and my words just fail to do it justice. When we got home, and although she still can’t really talk about or hear his name at this point, we both agreed:
Dad would have loved that!
I gotta tell ya, folks … that moment was a true “light in the dark”. It was that little glimmer of hope that somehow, somewhere, buried beneath all her trauma, heartache, and ashes is not just my daughter, but all the beautiful memories of her and her dad that she can’t afford to let surface at this point because they’re just too fucking painful.
A couple of weeks after “the night of the lights”, I was sitting in my office and I started thinking to myself:
Those people put SO much of themselves into those displays every season, and THIS season that display just bought your kid the smile of a lifetime! I wonder if anyone has really ever thanked them for pouring themselves into “strangers” the way they do?
… at which point I made the decision to drop them a little gift and a thank you note for what they unknowingly did for my daughter. Not too long after that and I got a friend request on Facebook. IT WAS HER … “the holiday house lady!” Slowly but surely she’s becoming less and less of a stranger and a couple of nights ago she messaged me to let me know that they were going to do something special for Gia, which is what these videos are about. So, with all that being said …
Dearest “Barri and Gerri”:
I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!
My heart is beyond full, so is my daughter’s, and I’m pretty flipping sure my husband’s is too, because I believe with EVERY shred of my being that he is seeing ALL of this! I bet you never realized what an impact your hearts, generosity, and kindness for STRANGERS was going to make on my little girl during her very darkest hours. WELL, NOW YOU KNOW!“Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” is the tag-line of my life now, and YOUR lights have killed some of ours! You will always be in my heart and prayers going forward.
Tonight after “Batman” lit up our roof for the holidays Gia and I went to Walmart to get more lights for the shrubs in our pajamas, slippers and messy buns, looking quite ridiculous! We were “play arguing” over whether to get “all white”, “all red”, “all green”, or multi-colored. Before we knew it we were giggling up a storm and I said,
Man, this is tough. Do we match the shrubs to the roof, do a contrast, or what? What would Jesus do?
… to which my ever the consummate smartass daughter replied …
Well duh, mom, He WAS Jewish, so I’m thinking He’d go blue.
She meant no disrespect by the way. Gia loves her Jesus! Meanwhile, this couple standing nearby started giggling, too:
You two are so sweet together, like a mother daughter comedy act! You just made me miss my two girls who are on their way home from school right now and I can hardly WAIT to hug them even tighter. I miss those days when it was us being silly at Walmart. Thank you for lighting up this aisle with holiday spirit!
That was, perhaps, the greatest compliment either one of us could have gotten, especially under the circumstances, and as they walked away from us she turned to hug me and said, “Mom, I think we’re gonna be okay!”
ThenI looked up at him and whispered, “Yes, we are!” Those people didn’t see it … all our pain, grief, and sorrow. There’s no way they could have imagined that just three months ago she was in a psych ward, and I was laying in bed barely breathing and begging God for the strength to walk, yet again, out of living hell.
We are gonna be okay! We won’t ever be the same, becauselife without him in it going to be so different, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be okay. In the meantime, we’re allowed to be excited and play argue and giggle about Christmas lights at Walmart.
Zack always insisted on nothing but the best for “his girls”. Did he throw us one HELL of a curve ball that was anything but “the best”? Umm, YUP! God’s grace has that covered, though, and he’s received both mine and Gia’s grace as well. I’m so thankful for those people tonight … and my daughter … and my life … and the King who helped build me into the divinelypunctuated Light I am today who’s still able to “shine” through all this darkness!
Seriously, people? Is this what’s really happening out there in the “looking for love” world today? Not that I’m looking for love or even to just start dating again at the moment or anytime in the foreseeable future, but I’m getting messages and texts like this on an almost daily basis now, and just woke up to this one. At first I was disgusted, but have since decided to cling tightly to The Four Agreements going forward in this regard:
I’ll be impeccable with my words.
I won’t take anything personally.
I won’t make assumptions.
I’ll do my BEST to navigate through this abundant absurdity in the future.
Especially in that because of what I want to do with my life now, hiding myself away is neither optimal or fair, and I won’t. Putting myself out there for all the right reasons is clearly going to come with a cost. So, with that …
Dear Mr. “LOOK AT ME!”:
I think I speak for many women in my season of life in saying that NOPE, I don’t wanna see your abs. Or your tattoos. Or your ass. Or you at a bar doing shots on a stripper’s stomach, or on a “guy’s trip to Vegas” smoking cigars with some 23 year old on your lap! I don’t care how many times a day you’re at the gym, or how much you bench press, and DON’T need pictures of you “taking pictures of you” at the gym bathroom in your ripped up shirt flexing an arm that is likely steroid injected, which means your testicles prolly look like grapes, so, NO! Me personally? The only abs, arms, ass, chest, tatts, or “LOOK! I’m at the gym!” pics I’ll EVER need to see will be of the man I marry IF Iever marry again.
Presentation is EVERYTHING, so here’s what’ll catch a GOOD woman’s eye …
Tell us what you believe in, what you fight for, and who you pray to AND for. Show us your kids, your mom, grandparents, sisters, brothers, and pets. Show us what you do to make this world a better place. Show us the world through your eyes … your sunrises, sunsets, and rainy nights at home alone. Show us where you travel (but NOT to Vegas with strippers)! And yah, show us a picture of yourself now and then, but with your shirt ON, please! Cover up all that yummy stuff so we can be surprised to find out what we’re REALLY getting someday and that not EVERY random woman has already seen it. Your smile and “presentation” as noted above will do your best advertising and prevent SO many of us from either laughing at you OR throwing up in our mouth.
I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.
I can’t believe I never knew about this until now and cannot tell you the infinite number of times I’ve had this similar conversation with my so much better, stronger and wiser version of me daughter, who at three years old became the catalyst for everything I’ve become today:
I am here to tell you all that I would, in fact, be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 3 years old. I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all: ME! She is one of my muses and “whys“.
… that moment your friend of a million years who’s known you through some of your darkest hours sends you one of THE songs of your life. Meanwhile, I’m literally thanking God right now for the very kind strangers who picked me up off the floor after losing it in the middle of my workout.
LOOK AT THE NAME OF THE ARTIST!
It’s as if it’s was written just for me … and Zack. Regardless of how he left us and what many believe about suicide, I know the God I serve did NOT forsake him in his last breath and was waiting to rescue my husband with His hand reached out to take him “Home”.
I reached out to one of you today, in fact, who I will not name, because the way she loves and the things she does for those lucky enough to be in her circle are from a truly selfless place. She doesn’t “give” for selfish reasons, which can indeed be a reason for giving. What she put herself through in the immediate aftermath of Zack’s death for the sake of me and my daughter I will NEVER fully be able to repay. She was the first person to get “that 7am call” other than immediate family, and this morning she awoke to yet ANOTHER “one of those calls”.
I want you to know there are those of US “who know” that you too are struggling on a day like today. “Your people” are hurting, so YOU are hurting! “One of your tribe” has just been smacked with a cosmic dose of WHAT THE HELL, and so, too, have you. You’re feeling stressed, sad, helpless and overwhelmed right alongside the people in your halo and you, too, feel gut punched. For all that you are deep within your soul, God Himself knows that when your peoples’ cards go down, yours go right down with them.
Empaths, you are treasured in this Universe and being thought of at this moment! Oh, and you’re AMAZEBALLS! God will never give you more than He knows you can handle, which, my beautiful friends, is exactly why you got this bittersweet gift directly from The Source. He knew He was going to need an army of impossiblystrongangels on Earth to help keep the flames of compassion ignited so the others can find that Light burning in all this dark. I’m an empath too, so, I understand. It rips my heart out to see others suffering. It’s who I am and it doesn’t always feel good, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
My love to all of you and remember this: NOTHING GOES UNNOTICED! YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN! This extra stress you absorb trying so hard to help? The sleepless nights spent worrying, caring and praying for others? The tears you cry all too often for the sake of all mankind are being counted one by one! Take a deep breath my friends and be strong. YOU’RE GONNA BE OKAY!
… to this very day and minute, October 5, 1982, 9:51am, not only I and my children, but this world as a whole received one of the most beautiful gifts I never knew I would have until that moment our eyes locked so many years later in October of 2008.
It was written in the stars, on the pages of my heart, oh that someday I would find the love I feel for you … On the ocean of our dreams, like a prayer you came to me. And the longing that had been found its ending in your eyes …
There are no words to describe the bittersweet emotions I am raw with at this moment. “One man’s trash really IS another man’s treasure“, and God Himself knows this is true. She may have thrown you away, but you were indeed my greatest treasure, other than those I have given birth to myself. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZACHARIAH. Your battle is finally over.
Mother, tell me, I long to hear the stories, just like long ago. All these memories start to fade before me. I cannot let them go. No, I can’t let them go. From the cradle to the grave. It’s a fear I can’t escape. Who will be my hiding place when you’re gone? Father, stay here, don’t leave me like the other. Know, I need you so. All you gave me. Father, how you loved me. Treated like your own. Don’t ever let me go. From the cradle to the grave. It’s a fear I can’t escape. Who will be my hiding place when you’re gone? There’s no way to deny the brevity of life. As time keeps marching on, all we have is lost. All we have is lost. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing stays the same … How am I to carry on as time keeps marching on? {Alter Bridge}
… you finally get that call from the school to come and get her because it’s finally registered that he’s never coming home again and she’s absolutely beside herself. For reasons I cannot say, and only a handful of you can truly understand, this IS a miracle of epic proportion. My daughter’s strength, grace and ability to separate the truth from even the worst of Satan’s lies just befalls me. Her courage puts mine to shame on even my best of days and I have to tell you, SHE is the one who will ultimately be flipping the proverbial game board which is our life not just upside down but all over the place once and for all! She’s the game changer, not me! God has had His hands literally wrapped around her heart all the while and I can NOT thank Him enough for what is happening in our atmosphere today. Honey, are you seeing this? I TOLD YOU! We love, miss and STILL cherish you Zachariah. “From the cradle to the grave” … stay with us please. Always.
… that fourth Friday night without him in over eleven years, and “God only knows how many Friday nights” since November 8, 1996, when I attempted suicide myself.There’s no telling “how many more Fridays” will have to pass by before my baby girl will be out of the danger zone with “ideations” of her own after the virtual Hell she is still living through for reasons I cannot say!
From this point going forward, I will be here for as many nights as I’m allowed to live to faithfully remind the unsuspecting masses that THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE LISTENING by doing exactly as Zack would always tell me to:
Catherine, USE YOUR WORDS!
LULLABYE
I know the feeling of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge. And there ain’t no healing from cuttin’ yourself with the jagged edge. I’m tellin’ you that it’s never that bad, and take it from someone who’s been where your at. You’re laid out on the floor and you’re not sure you can take this anymore. So just give it one more try with a lullaby and turn this up on the radio. If you can hear me now I’m reachin’ out to let you know that you’re not alone. And you can’t tell I’m scared as hell ’cause I can’t get you on the telephone. So just close your eyes … Well honey here comes a lullaby. Your very own lullaby. Please let me take you out of the darkness and into The Light. ‘Cause I have faith in you that you’re gonna make it through another night. Stop thinkin’ about the easy way out. There’s no need to go and blow the candle out. Because you’re not done, you’re far too young and the best is yet to come. Well everybody’s hit the bottom. And everybody’s been forgotten. Well everybody’s tired of being alone. Yeah everybody’s been abandoned. And left a little empty handed. So if you’re out there barely hangin’ on … just give it one more try with a lullaby and turn this up on the radio. {Nickelback}
If you can hear or see me from wherever you are, and I’m surviving right now due in large part to my true faith that that you can, I want you to know that I love you. I Miss you.I FORGIVE YOU. I would NOT have made it to this crossroad in my journey without you, and you and I both know it’s true. I will never forget you, or replace you, nor dishonor, disgrace or disassemble the infinite trove of tools, gifts, strengths, and beauty that you and ONLY YOU had the patience, courage and foresight to help find buried deep within myself. You helped me find my reflection in a mirror where I once only saw a faceless monster, and turned me into a queen. That, my king, is something only you shall get the credit for. You refused to give up on me no matter how hard I made you try, and not a day will go by while I’m roaming this earth without you that I won’t pray to God that you’re STILL behind me silently pushing me like only you can do. There is so much work to be done here now, and I’m going to make you proud while my life continues to go on. Every day for the rest of my life I will count these darkened ashes piled beneath our feet and rise so far above them that it will be IMPOSSIBLE for them not to hear “our” voices.
If my wish has come true, you’ve safely made it to The Brighter Side Of Grey with your broken heart in one piece to The One parent whose intention was never to forsake you through all the loneliness and heartache you suffered in your lifetime. I’m hoping that not only have you gone and found my daughter by now, but that you’ve also caught up with that handsome Cajun boy you heard so much about who stole the first real piece of my heart and rode off with it in his “blaze of glory”. Don’t think that I will EVER forget how you not only welcomed him and everything he was, but even more so embraced him for all that I was because of what he’d brought into my world and let me carry him on our journey together. Few are the men that are capable of such selflessness and living with my ghosts the way that you did is one of the things I’ve thanked God for the most.I know that you’ll all be waiting hand in hand for me until I get there, a moment I literally picture in my mind quite often. So, until that day comes when I can see you all again, I love you more than words. Forever. Eternally. Unconditionally.
~ Catherine
BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME
For all those times you stood by me. For all the truth that you made me see. For all the joy you brought to my life. For all the wrong that you made right. For every dream you made come true. For all the love I found in you. I’ll be forever thankful baby. You’re the one who held me up and never let me fall. You’re the one who saw me through through it all. You were my strength when I was weak. You were my voice when I couldn’t speak. You were my eyes when I couldn’t see. You saw the best there was in me. Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach. You gave me faith ’cause you believed. I’m everything I am because you loved me. You gave me wings and made me fly. You touched my hand I could touch the sky. I lost my faith; you gave it back to me. You said no star was out of reach. You stood by me, and I stood tall. I had your love I had it all. I’m grateful for each day you gave me. Maybe I don’t know that much, but I know this much is true. I was blessed because I was loved by you. You were always there for me. The tender wind that carried me. A light in the dark shining your love into my life. You’ve been my inspiration. Through the lies you were the truth. My world is a better place because of you.” {Celine Dion}
Like a scream inside, the one you just can’t hide. The sound so deafening, you can’t hear yourself think. As real as real can get. Keeping my heart in check from feeling anything but my own apathy. Again, again. It’s creeping up on me. Making it harder to breathe. We’re all under pressure. Can’t stand the weather. For the worse and not for the better. Please, this ain’t the way to live. Something’s got to give. We forgive but don’t forget it, no. Another day, another battle. We all have a cage to rattle. This just might be the death of me. Might be the death of me. It’s reached a fever pitch. I’m living proof of it. I find it hard to cope, without a thread of hope. Blood is thicker than water. But love is even stronger. Hold out a little longer. Until we found ourselves. Again, again. Like a scream inside, the one you just can’t hide. The sound so deafening, you can’t hear yourself think. As real as real can get. {Daughtry}
Is this real? ‘Cause I can’t feel. I reach into his darkness and there’s nothing to hold. I try to heal … but spin my wheels. The more I try to stop this, the more I lose control.
Am I just a ghost in my own machine? In a sandbox in the entropy? Some reality got a hold of me, and I don’t think I’ll escape. Am I too attached to a memory? Stuck in my head for eternity? Am I in a dream or the in between? I don’t think … ’cause I’m not waking up.
Conversations with simulations. They say there’s no escaping … it’s a never-ending road. My salvation is lost in translation. The more I can’t explain it, the more I lose control.
How can this be happening? I’m losing him. WE’RE LOSING HIM! And now it feels like I’m losing myself.
The best part of my life came and past and it’s all downhill from here.
He’s dying. HE’S FUCKING DYING! I can’t do this without him. What will I do if he doesn’t get better? PLEASE, oh God, PLEASE … give us both just enough strength to make it through this.
THIS. On this night I watched my baby girl take the center of the stage as the first boy she ever really had a crush on gave her “the first dance”. To fully appreciate this, you must first travel back with me to “the day of the ball on the playground”. It was 4th grade for her, 5th grade for him, during one of my playground shifts their school. I was sitting on the curb, kinda not paying attention, until I happened to look up at just the right time to see her and her friends playing four square. The ball they were “squaring” got bounced off their court and started rolling towards the basketball court where some boys were playing. So, the ball was just rollin’ and the girls were all panicking, because “OMG it’s headed for ALL THOSE BOYS”! The next thing you know, this very handsome young man stopped the ball with his foot, picked it up and started walking towards the gaggle of panicking girls! But it didn’t end there, you see, because that handsome boy decided to invite himself to their game. When recess was over, I followed the girls back into the school as they all giggled and snickered amongst themselves, “Can you believe it? HE’S A FIFTH GRADER!” From that point on, “Sawyer and Gia” were a thing, but only on a first real crush level. He liked her. She liked him. It was the sweetest thing ever, and I GOT TO SEE HOW IT STARTED! Fast forward to THIS night, the middle school Fall Dance, and here’s how “the day of the ball on the playground ended” …
Williamson and I were chaperones at the dance this night, which is par for the course with us. It was just about over and a bunch of us parents were just kicking back on the outskirts of the party when one of the dads noticed a commotion wherein every kid in the room was engulfed in “some thing” on the dance floor that had everyone’s attention. So, that dad ran over and stuck his head through “the wall of kids” only to come running back and report that, “Holy shit guys, they’re dancing. THEY’RE DANCING!” “Who’s dancing”, Zack asked. “Umm, YOUR DAUGHTER AND SAWYER SMITH, that’s who!” From thence it’s just history. For the record, how lucky am I that no matter where this “first love of hers” either does or doesn’t go, I got to watch it from the beginning!
Ten years ago, you boarded a plane to France with so much more baggage than what you’d actually packed you could barely walk, much less carry the load you’d allowed yourself to be burdened with for too many years to count. Until the moment your feet hit this soil, you’d perpetuated a lifelong farce to everyone you knew and loved, not the least of which was yourself.
Meanwhile, all in the course of a relatively short jaunt, you met two complete and total strangers. Remember how you believed they were actual angels God had set on your path to help you begin the process of becoming acquainted with the other stranger you’d met on that trip – you? One of these days you should be brave enough to introduce those two strangers from your past and really speak your truths by the way, so consider this your official challenge!
At the end of the day, what I can tell you is that I find it no coincidence that you are back here in France, a decade later, celebrating your birthday with not only this amazing man who has brought you so much sweet joy and fullness that your words since meeting him have failed to find their way to paper, but more importantly – with YOU!
Everything has changed since the last time you were here and your life is unrecognizable! Your feet hit that soil with a steadfast determination to stop living a lie and start living an authentic life you could be proud of with the REAL you, no matter the cost, and cost you it did. How could you ever have known that despite your best efforts to salvage the life and relationships you already had, in order to see your resurrection to fruition you’d end up having to let so many things and people go? So, you became a living bomb that self-destructed during the process of peeling off that venomous black Spidey suit you’d been wearing all the while that had all but suffocated the life from you.
I’d like to think that if you could change this last ten years you wouldn’t have changed a thing, as in my heart I think you’ve always known that all of this had to happen for a reason. You found yourself. You found your voice … and your truths … and your many reasons. You know exactly who you are, how you got here, what things you’ve done right, and the many things you could have done better. You’re a perfectly imperfect beautiful disaster and perhaps a bit much for some people digest. You are YOU, nothing more, NOTHING LESS, and “what other people think of you isn’t any of your business anyway.” You’re a survivor, and a warrior, and a divinely appointed living QUEEN, and a true and genuine person. As long as your two babies back at home and that superman standing behind you in one of your favorite places on this Earth think that you’re their hero, who could ask for a better birthday present? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, Catherine Marie Williamson! It’s been so nice getting to know you.
🐸 Countless days have passed since our story began that you still never cease to amaze me! You are still my hero, and if we had to go back to that tiny little apartment in Fairview, I would happily go. I could live anywhere, as long as you’re there. It’s not about the “house”, it’s about the “home”. You’re the prince among men who has continued to give us EVERYTHING, and I’m so damn thankful and proud to be your wife!
Nineteen years have literally flown by with tears and sorrow, joys and laughter, and an abundance of beautiful moments in between. But I vividly remember waking up about this time that morning, alone in the room that was “ours” less than 12 hours before, yet, where was he? I was literally pinching myself because I couldn’t decide whether I was still asleep in a twisted dream or awake in a living nightmare. Then I remembered where he was – laying on a cold metal table in the ER where I had to leave him. So, I slid out of the bed and put my ear towards the door to see if I could hear what the muffled voices awaiting my rise from a medicated slumber were saying. I walked towards the window and peaked through the blinds to find a beautiful day with a light wind blowing leaves down the sidewalk. A kid on his bike. A car driving by. A lady walking her dog. Everything outside seemed so normal. But then again, not so much. So how did I get here all these years later? Well that will all be revealed in this Diary in good time. In the meantime, however, let me tell you about one of the sweetest moments of my life that would never have happened be it not for “this day”, September 6, 2012.
First, let’s go back to nine years before when Williamson and I first met. This was at the very darkest point of my life, yet he somehow saw through the jacked up, broken apart, just about to come undone “me” that I was, only to find and believe in the “me” that I was yet to become. He refused to give up on me and somehow convinced himself that there was so much more to me than met his eyes. Eventually he even convinced me.
In the early days of our budding relationship, we of course shared all the memories of our pasts. “Take Me There” by Rascal Flatts was the theme of almost all our conversations, as we both truly wanted to know exactly where the other had been. He told me his stories and I told him mine, not the least of which was Mitch, beginning to bittersweet end, May 29, 1998.
There he sat patiently listening one night, not a detail barred or spared, up to and including the intersection where it happened. He had driven out with me to Addison soon thereafter to see the wall and the place and the road. He wanted to know all of it – all of ME.
Fast foward to …
SEPTEMBER 6, 2012:
I had driven to Addison to pick him up for lunch near the place he’d been working. We’d taken a wrong turn going back to his office which somehow spit us out a block away from “the wall”. When I looked up and saw the Midway Road sign I quickly realized where we were. Queue the live video all over again: There goes Mitch on that devil black bike speeding off to his final blaze of glory! But before I knew it Zack had taken my hand with a tender squeeze, “Damn, this is the place”. He remembered. After all this time, HE STILL REMEMBERED.
Just then, the video stopped just short of the less than grand finale, and the knot in my stomach unraveled. I looked at my beautiful husband and thanked God yet again that he chose to make me his wife. It was also in that moment that I was reminded of something else: I am no longer alone to carry all these memories and moving pictures that are locked inside my mind. How many men could live with and accept the ghost of someone before him? The memories of my past are precious to my husband, and he carefully protects and embraces all of them. Even the memories of “him”! There is a sacred piece of my heart and life that will ALWAYS belong to Mitch Boone and Zack has never once held that against me.
What a sharp contrast this pivotal point in our story was to another day in a former life with my ex: It was the two-year anniversary of Mitch’s death when Peter and I were fighting about God knows what. It bothered him immensely to see me grieving for someone else, and although I really did try to shield him from my pain, sometimes I just couldn’t contain it. So, on that day? He had had it! “Your MY wife! He’s GONE! Yet you’re still crying about it?” So, he took two pot lids from the kitchen and smashed them together as loud as he could standing two feet away from my body and said,
I’ll give you something to cry about. Remember THIS sound? BAM! Metal hitting a wall! How’s that? Now go ahead, just keep crying!
Yes, he really did that, and yes, he really said those words. I remember that moment as though it just happened now. He took my raw and bruised heart and accompanying pain and sorrow and mocked me with them in one of the cruelest moments of my life.
I’m such a blessed woman and thank you GOD for reminding me of how much You love me through the gift of Zack’s unconditional love and strength. I love you, Zachariah … more than I’ll ever be able to put in words. Thank you for loving me. No, wait! Thank you for loving us. You are my hero and I will spend the rest of my days on this Earth honoring and treasuring everything you are. I promise!
Every now and then, I will hear or see certain words strung together that hit me like a ton of bricks. By this, I mean really words that strike me so hard that I just know I’ll be repeating them for the remainder of my life and hopefully passing them down through my kids.
Take for instance the day someone showed me those “Four Agreements“. Now, those were some impeccable words. I live, breathe, and will die by them, by the way, and sometimes even make a mockery of them. Regardless of how far I’ve come thus far in my mental wealth and growth journey, I’m still just an extremelyperfectly flawed human after all.
Well, today, IT HAPPENED! A friend and I were watching our daughters play volleyball and talking about that good ole Devil’s boomerang called karma. Of course, we’d both pointed out the painfully obvious: “What goes around comes around … blah, blah, blah.” But then she said this:
People only think of karma in the form of bad things coming after bad, but I believe that karma also works in reverse. Good will always come after good given time.
I have long believed that perspective is everything, and today, my lifelong perspective on “karma” took a turn for the best day EVER! Karma can curse you … but karma can also bless you. It is my hope that Karma will only continue to bless me, mine, and any of you who are reading this.
… and to accept selfish, disrespectful, ungrateful people for who and what they are, the courage NOT to become bitter, and the wisdom NOT to let it happen again!
This morning was a SUPER early day for me, as most Fridays usually are being a full-time mother, full-time housewife, a full-time real estate agent. Since Fridays are in essence my “Mondays”, my alarm goes off at 4:30am, I pop up like a Jack-In-The-Box, hop out of bed, start the coffee and spin around like a manic robot getting everything and everyone ready and dealt with ahead of what are usually very hectic weekends in our household. Trust me when I say that I am not complaining, because I thoroughly love every one of my jobs and am blessed beyond words to have them! My adoring husband is ever so appreciative that I’ve somehow found a way to balance my career and our family in such a way that everything runs smoothly, and I’ve created a peaceful environment for them to come home to despite my organized chaos. I am also desperately hoping that I am, in all things, showing my daughter that yes, she can have and do it all if she so chooses, and this is how: Eat, sleep, pray, breathe, cry a little, laugh a lot, sing loud in the car, smile as much as possible, participate when you can, don’t bite off more than you can chew, LEARN TO SAY NO WHEN NECESSARY and thank God for everything all the while. (Being grateful eight days a week, 366 days a year is my other full-time job hee hee!) For the most part I am a very happy girl with a kind, patient, loving heart filled with enough “everything” for everyone in my atmosphere. I live my life by “The Four Agreements” and this is how I roll.
Every Friday for the last eight years, we have faithfully patroned a small, family-owned dry-cleaning business on the far southeast side of the town that we live in because they are fairly priced and do a good job, but even more so because we are just loyal that way. Meanwhile, once a week I pull through the window and go out of my way to be kind to this woman who is usually wearing a scowl, throwing or slamming stuff around, or barking out orders to the others that are behind the counter. And so, I watch. And think. And wonder. “Hmmm, maybe I’ll kill her with kindness today”, or “maybe she’s had a rough morning”, or “maybe she’s not a morning person at all”, or “maybe she’s really stressed-out Cat, so tell her to have a good day and go on about your business! AGREEMENT NO. 2: DON’T ANYTHING PERSONALLY! Her nasty attitude is about HER, not YOU!” But today something changed, and my otherwise patient demeanor snapped and took a turn for the worse!
I have always taken the time to untangle, organize and neatly twist-tie the hangers then place them at the bottom of the basket for return with the next week’s clothes, a practice I started many years ago when I had actually gone inside their store rather than drive-thru on a morning I was bringing comforters in. On that particular day I’d been standing and waiting while watching one of the girls at the counter feverishly detangling the massive pile of hangers others had returned as well, so with that I thought it would be a nice gesture to organize mine ahead of time. This morning, however, was the first time in years that I didn’t take the time to do that, which, I actually did feel bad about for a split second. But today of all days was slated to be straight from Hell, so I just shoved everything in the bag as quickly as I could and loaded the car for whatever the day might possibly bring.
You see, there is a little stress in our home this last couple of months. Nothing we won’t get through of course, because God IS so good, but stress nonetheless there is. Let’s see, I have a deeply hurting if not troubled child that I am desperately trying to keep from falling into his own oblivion, an uncle in Florida just days away from meeting The Maker, eleven live real estate transactions going at once, a husband with DOZENS of live real estate transactions going at once and a jacked up knee that needs surgery, a dog that won’t stop peeing on everything, a Bad Cat that keeps running away, a Good Cat who won’t stop crying and starving herself when the other is gone, a very socially active daughter wrapping up her last weeks of elementary school who is also playing volleyball, a house to keep up with, four peoples’ laundry to do, 300 miles a week of driving, my physical fitness to keep up with, and oh yes – this particular Memorial Day weekend marks the 19th anniversary of the night a man I was supposed to marry met HIS Maker by running his Harley through a brick wall going 90mph with no helmet. Yah, I’d say I am really kind of sad and emotional this week. I haven’t slept much, am functioning on pretty much coffee and faith alone, and I have an anxiety stomachache nearly all the time because I’m so afraid to let one of the 27 balls I currently have in the air fall on the ground and thus me right along with it (and also maybe because of the coffee)!
Dear Dry-Cleaning Lady:
I, too, was in a foul mood this morning! But guess what? I still managed to smile at you and took the time to ask how you were?
Who wants to know what she said to me when I asked the question, “Good morning dear, how are you?” She literally BARKED back at me, “Well thanks for not untangling the hangers for me!” And nope, it wasn’t friendly banter! She was literally mad that I didn’t untangle the hangers. Now what?
Well, I’ll tell you “now what”. I’m so done with not only that dry cleaner lady but likewise anyone in my life who does not treat me or mine with the equal amounts of kindness and respect with which I treat them. These last few months have been a reckoning of my soul, my strength, my will, and the personal boundaries I need to keep firmly in place going forward if I am going to survive without bitterness. I will not be spoken to harshly. I will not be treated rudely. I will not be disregarded, or unappreciated, or taken for granted. No more. Never again! “We treat and value others as we wish to be treated and valued or we lose them.” When I drove away from the window I kept my calm, and simply said to her, “See you next Tuesday dear!” Only she won’t be seeing any of these Williamsons again, and I’m damned sure she didn’t understand the horribly cryptic message I was sending.
As My Cousin Vinny once said, “I’M DONE WITH THAT GUY”! And yup, I’m so done with all those guys (and girls). Life is too short to spend my good energy or precious time in the BULLSHIT company of miserable, toxic people. – The End
Nine years ago, at the very beginning of my tailspin to the end of my old life and rise to where I am today, I was asked to read a book that was intended to help me make peace with the death of my daughter and other tragedies I thought I’d never survive. Well, it literally did jar everything in my soul, and yes, it has helped me cope with not just losing her, the bittersweet reality of losing anyone I love at all.
Throughout my journey as a parent, however, I have also come to realize that indeed, it is true, that a mother is only as strong as her weakest child. As such, I have been burdened with the often hopeless feeling of trying to reach my son way down deep in his soul where he’s been hiding for too many years to count. I have literally prayed on my hands and knees that this book would someday become a movie I could take him to in an attempt to crack the hardened shell that has become his safe fortress and plant the seeds of a renewed faith in God within his jaded heart.
Well, today is the day, folks. Tonight, as a family, we are going to see The Shack! Maybe this will jar something loose for him just as it did for me in 2008.
… that moment you’re unknowingly called to stage the house you built so many years ago, which very house is where your heart and soul were literally torn from within your being and the deconstruction of both yours and your son’s life began. And while I am so proud of myself for maintaining my composure as I walked room to room with the client as every haunting memory flooded me, to the point I couldn’t breathe, I find it no coincidence that Williamson just happened to be there.
The irony is that just this morning we both agreed that even with all the personal growth and forward movement I have made since the day I left that life behind, there are still some things that I’ve yet I to let go of despite my insistence I already have. But God is good, and I know I had to walk back into that house for a reason and He EVEN had my best friend with me to help me safely fall apart when we got back in the car. That is all.
HALO
I can see you running, running. Every night from the same darkness. It’s coming, coming. But you are not alone. If you just say the word, I’ll be there by your side. You make me more. You make me superhuman. And if you need me to I will save you. Send out the signal and I’ll fly low. If it means the death of me, I won’t let go. And if I’m lost in the worlds shadows I’ll use the light that comes to me from your halo. When you’re backed against the wall I could be the one who’s always there to break your fall. You are not alone. You’re the Sun. You’re the Day. The Light that guides me through. Never run, run away. I will save you. {Starset}
Wow! Just WOW! When this album dropped today, I knew it was gonna be good, but little did I know that it would re-invite some formerly uninvited memories of the past when I was separated from God:
And You? Your love’s defining a generation to settle a score. I once knew trust … but now I’m surrounded by time I’ve wasted and hearts that I stole. I owe to You a second chance … an explanation … a promise I’ll keep for every lie that I told to You.My lungs were failing … hands to the sky … face to the ground … I found that You have no intensions. You honor nothing. And how could this be true? They think so highly of You.You said You would come back for me … said You’d find a safe place. You said that Heaven and stars would never tear us apart. You’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways … You lie.Why won’t you just shut up? I’ll make you fade away. There’s a consequence to every word You say. Don’t you know who I am?I said I would come back for You … said I’d find a safe place. Who knew that Heaven and stars had their own prison bars? I’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways. I lied.I never wanted “so long” to turn into “go away”. There was a time when Your face I held much higher than grace. You are the catalyst to words I would never say.Goodbye!And now I only talk to the dead.Goodbye! I’m gonna see it all your way. What do I do now?
On second thought, no! I was never “separated from God”. He was with me all the while, and my imaginary separation from Him was, perhaps, the biggest lie that the devil had been shoving down my throat of all. Thankfully, those days are gone now.
And Him? His love is defining a generation, but not to settle anymore scores. I very much do know trust, and am surrounded by the precious hearts I stole and an even more precious 86,400 seconds a day that I refuse to waste while I revel in this beautiful life I still get to live with them. Yes, I really did owe Him a second chance … an explanation … and a promise I’ll keep for every lie that I told. My lungs are no longer failing … hands to the sky … face to the ground. I find that yes, He has only the best intensions for me and mine. He’s honored everything … this I know to be true … and while not everyone thinks so highly of Him … I MOST CERTAINLY DO! He said He would come back for me. He said He’d find a safe place. He said that Heaven and stars would never tear us apart … AND THEY WON’T! He’ll find the right words even from the wrong ways every single time I still lie. Thank you, GOD, that You never just shut up, and I promise that I’ll never ask you to fade away again. Yes, there really is a consequence to every word He says. Yes, he knows who I am. My “Heaven and stars” no longer have prison bars … they are my only true freedom. Goodbye!
This morning, while I was boxing up the remnants of “The Frog & The Butterfly” festivities, I came across a forgotten note that our daughter Gia had written, unbeknownst to us, evidently in preparation for the possibility that she, as my maiden of honor, would have to give a speech at the reception. When a friend of ours had informed her that she may indeed have to say a little something, she was super excited and evidently more than par to the task. However, as you can imagine, with all of the fast-paced excitement and shenanigans that morning, some of our plans went awry, and her speech never did happen.
Meanwhile, I found the note at the bottom of the little bag she had with her at the venue, and although I am so overwhelmingly disappointed that she never got to actually have her special moment that day, I now feel it is imperative that I share with you all what she wrote. Keep in mind that a week or so before she had come to me one afternoon with a barrage of “boot camp questions”, i.e.:
Mommy, so what did they did to you in there?” “What exactly happened? Did it hurt? Did you cry? Was it scary? Was it fun? Did they make you run or do jumping jacks? Since it’s called boot camp, were they dressed like soldiers?
Lol. And also, “Who exactly are the main people from Boot Camp, and are they going to be there on Sunday I hope? I always hear you talking about Jim and Elizabeth, and I know who Miss Dana is, and Mr. Mike, and the pretty lady at dinner with the baby at Mr. Mike’s house. But who else? Can you tell me their names?” I answered all her questions to the best of my ability, knowing NOTHING of this written speech until this morning (and I am typing it as-is, verbatim, misspellings and all) …
I don’t even know where to start. My mom has done soo much, to make shure her kids are happy, healthy, and most of all, loved. She is a hard worker, a great wife, an the absolute BEST mom. And when God put me on this earth, I must of been a very lucky baby to be put in the care and loving arms of my mom. Shes brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall. My mom is always there when you need her and even when you don’t. She comforts me when I am scared, gives me hugs when im sad, and helps me if I don’t understand. She has inspired me to be the best girl I can be and theres probably no one here in this room but me that knows what my mom and dad have gone through together. If my mom thought for just one minute, that me and Zack (my dad) didn’t click or absolutely love each other she wouldn’t have married him. But I loved him and I still love him to this day. My dad who even though he is my step dad he doesn’t call me his step daughter, he just calls me his daughter, nothing else no “step” is allowed. Even to his friends he says my “daugther”, my “daughter”, and before all of this happened, before she met my dad she was always sad. Then she whent to this thing called bootcamp and no one knows what they did to her in there but it was a miracle. So her bootcamp family, Jim carrol, and Elizabeth Carrol, david bishop, dana hamman, Jhon hoback, and all her bootcamp family, so many I can’t even name them all, all played a big part in the women my mom is today. So thank you all and mom I know you wont always be able to protect me but I want you to know I will always be your little girl. I love you momy. Thank you.
So, with that, please be blessed today and walk upright and proud in all that you do, give, and fight for on behalf of all the broken people who have walked through your doors (many who don’t even know they are broken, and even more who don’t take it seriously) in an attempt to make this effed up, crazy world that we live in a little bit nicer place, one “boot camper” at a time. If ever any of you find a shred of doubt within your hearts as to whether the work you are doing is “real or not real”, please read, then re-read this note and know that it came straight from the heart of an innocent little 10-year old girl whose still pure heart doesn’t quite know how to “not call it like she sees it”. And trust me, SHE’S SEEN IT! She is neither a celebrity, nor a paid spokesperson, and quite frankly still doesn’t know from Adam (or if she does know, doesn’t care) that Mommy’s “boot camp family” is now on TV. She’s just a kid who watched her “very sad” Mommy walked out the door to something called boot camp where a bunch of total strangers helped her come home four days later very HAPPY AND CHANGED and our lives have never been the same since! I have thanked you all before, and attempted to credit you at every possible turn with not just my personal testimony of words, but with a life well-lived that is living proof with which to credit you.
Before I walked into that place that on that “Wednesday that changed everything” seven years ago, I was anything but a “brave, loving, kind, sweet, forgiving, and always, always has warm loveing open arms to catch you if you fall” kind of girl. Well, scratch that. I was and always HAVE been that girl, it just took bunch of hearts like yours to help me pull my head out of my butt once and for all so that I could get the hell out of my own way and begin to LIVE! I love you all, and you know that. But the words right here from my daughter? The most POWERFUL “Life Enrichment Boot Camp” testimony of all! THIS HERE FOLKS IS REAL FOKS, and “real” means everything to me these days! Her precious words are as authentic as it gets. Thank you for everything you’ve given me and all the things THIS little boot camp “survivor by default” is going to be as a result of the women you helped her momma become! That is all.
Although I didn’t make a big deal today when you mentioned how much you loved this song, an actual chill ran down my spine and across my skin when you told me and just can’t say it enough! That song has so much meaning to me and I listened to it when I was at The Meadows the day before I came home. It was as though God Himself needed me to hear it so I could start to understand the way my own mind and heart were truly broken and sick. Believe it or not that song played a huge part in my ultimate decision to once and finally turn my life inside out and somehow attempt to rise above myself.
There’s a game life plays, makes you think you’re every thing they ever said you were.
You see, that’s how I got sick! The constant criticisms from grandma and grandpa, MY VERY OWN PARENTS (who, although you never knew it, were very much like your own), and unfortunately even your Dad? Those were the three people in this world that I loved, trusted, and counted on the most to validate and protect me from harm, yet the only way any of them seemed to know how to “love”, “accept”, or “validate” anyone was based on certain conditions being met.“If you do this you are bad, but if you don’t do that you are good!” “If you don’t follow our advice and do exactly as we say then we will wash our hands of and be done with you.” Seriously? IT’S SO FUCKING SCREWED UP! That’s not how love is supposed to work at all. If you really love someone, you just love them with no strings attached and no contingencies.
Was it life I betrayed for the shape that I’m in?
You and me Christian? We are BOTH our own worst enemies! Because we have both heard over and over and over again the “love you/hate you, you’re good/no, you’re bad” messages, now they play as negative tapes rolling repeatedly in the back of our minds such that neither of us know who the fuck we are anymore!
We sold our souls to their “works and deeds based affections” and the endless price tags they came with, and have now only failed ourselves by believing that “love” is only valueless bargaining chip people use to get what they want! And do you want to know what the saddest irony in all of this is? Somehow I believe that they do love me Christian, just as I believe they love you, too! None of them purposely set out to emotionally cripple or abuse us, but at the same time, even to this day they neither recognize or account for any of it! They all learned how to love from their own toxic family webs, so the Venom suit lives on! Your job now (as was mine the time I first heard this) is to “take some time and clear away everything you’ve planned”.
You have to retrain your brain and teach it to be kinder to YOU! We are surrounded by all these people Christian, who “love us the most in this world”, yet only with conditions. Love is not supposed to be this way, and it’s why you’re so mean to yourself Christian. You’ve been told so many times that “you’re a fuck up, a moron and a loser ” (but then five minutes later, “no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that”), that you literally don’t know who or WHAT you really are other than to say to yourself that you are “probably more bad than good”.
If I could change my life, be a simple kind of man, try to do the best I can. If I could see the signs, I’d derail every path I could. Now I’m about to die, won’t you clear away a path, give me strength to fly away.
You see, this is the part of the song! I knew it was going to hurt everyone, and most especially you and your sister, and that it also might cost me everything. But I truly was “about to die” if I couldn’t find that strength to clear my own path and finally “fly away”, so I had to make a choice. If I had done “the good, right, and unselfish thing” that your grandparents and dad kept guilting me towards and stayed in that toxic cycle with your dad, not only would it have ended up literally physically killing me, but sooner or later it would have irreparably damaged both my kids. So, I had to choose the lesser of two evils. I had to be “selfish”, choose ME, turn my life inside out, and therefore in my mind clear a better path for you and Gia.
Christian, I’m so glad you are seemingly opening your eyes to yourself and how you have became so angry, cynical, and untrusting. I’ve been praying to God every night since I left that house that some day you would understand why I had to leave! I don’t want either you or your sister somehow becoming me at age 40 and being hauled off to a facility with nothing but “wasted years” behind you. If I’d have known, understood, or realized even a shred of “me” at your age, 21, well who knows what could have been, right? The point is I don’t want you to spend too many more years being angry, broken and despising yourself. YOU’VE TORTURED YOURSELF ENOUGH! You have to find a way get out of your own way now and put down some of that heavy stuff so that you don’t end up driving yourself either crazy, dead, or ALONE! And I’m sorry for this “wall” of a text message but I love you so much and every day that goes by I believe you are getting closer to rising above yourself, too, and leading a happy and peace-filled existence. You and I have both learned the very hard way by now that life is too damn precious and fragile. No more “Wasted Years”, okay?
~ “BMITW”
WASTED YEARS
There’s a game life plays – makes you think you’re everything they ever said you were. I’d like to take some time to clear away everything I’ve planned. Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. There’s nothing left but wasted years. If I could change my life I’d be a simple kind of man try to do the best I can. If I could take the sides, I’d derail every path I could. I’m about to die, won’t you clear away from me and give me strength to fly away? Was it life I’ve betrayed for the shape that I’m in? It’s not hard to fail, it’s not easy to win. Did I drink too much? Did I disappear? Well there’s nothing that’s left but wasted years. {Cold}
Wow! Thanks a lot and now I’m in tears. I literally cannot remember the last time anyone other than my husband, sister, son or daughter have ever said such things to me. I know there are people who know “some of what I’ve been through” but not too many people will say the words. Okay so before this week is over I am going to send you what parts of The Diary I already have, but I still have so far to go. Everything about Zack and me is still too overwhelming for me to even begin to write about, although I’m sure the words will come to me just like all the rest have when it’s time.
I am so thankful for this season of change in my life. Yes, I do very much so believe that your brother would have wanted this for me, and also understand how this makes you feel closer to him. That’s how I felt during those first years after he left us when I was always in Louisiana with your Mother.
As far as Zack’s take on my deep bond to your family and my failure to somehow “with time” have Mitch “and that two years” just somehow fade away? It’s just something he has always understood and THIS is why he is who he is to me. He isn’t offended to live with my ghosts and he has genuinely embraced them with me. I am so lucky and I can’t say it enough. Not many men could do it! Peter certainly couldn’t! He didn’t get it at all, and to him Mitch was just “the guy she dated while we were divorced the first time who hit a brick wall on his motorcycle and died“. His response to my inability to let it all go was:
Well, just get over it. People die, I get that, but stop making it all about you! Be happy with your car, your house and all your Louis Vuitton bags and TAKE CARE OF MY KIDS please while I’m out here working so you can live in this house again and get to shop at Neiman Marcus however and whenever you want. Whahhh, you’re so mistreated Catherine! Get over your damn self!
That’s what Pete thought about me and Mitch. Do you see what I’m saying? But with Zack? Not so much. He cried when I told him about “that day and night” and has never ONCE failed to realize that just plays out loud in my head and often from out of nowhere, an when it does, he just holds me and cries with me all over again!He’s an angel, I’m telling you, he really is. Thanks for all you’ve said Tonya. I am so happy you’ll move to Texas one day. For real!
After a lifetime of having absolutely NOTHING, both materially or otherwise, then the last FIVE years of unselfishly giving everything he did have away (like that time he emptied out his “new car savings fund” to pay for my daughter’s tuition to private school), Zachariah Lucas Williamson finally gets something JUST FOR HIM!
No one could deserve it more, and truth be told, after everything he’s gone through for the sake of me and mine without ever complaining or holding it over my head? He should have gotten a freaking Bentley! I’m so happy for my husband and so damn PROUD of him right now! And by the way, how’s THAT for ya “big brother and his wife” who have always “jokingly” referred to my husband as the “Zack Of Shit“? Today is the best day EVER!
Since about 7:00pm Dallas time last night, I’ve been in between “speechless” and “tears”, shaking my head with hand over mouth in complete and total disbelief. Please also know exactly how poignant, powerful, and meaningful the beyond thoughtful gesture was to my husband, as well.
Over the last few years, my “process” has taken me to some of the darkest and loneliest places. Hmm, wait, Stuart, did you happen to know this already? Lol. So, the search to find “me” was both tragic and beautiful, but yes, I did, indeed, “find me”. Along with everything else I’ve discovered about myself, I’ve also discovered that one of my purposes in this life is to reach out to the broken, lost, and shattered people that happen to cross my path and metaphorically wrap them in the big cozy blanket of knowing they are not at all alone. My heart literally aches when I see another human being suffering and wish I had a magic wand to just “bop” everyone through their healing.
There’s an organization here in Dallas called “Life Enrichment Boot Camp“. People who are struggling with mental wealth or relationship issues walk through the doors on a Wednesday night and leave a few days later feeling refreshed, renewed, and “free” from their emotional baggage. They learn to forgive those who have hurt them, and, most importantly, learn to forgive themselves for simply being human. It’s the same boot camp that I was literally dragged to about four years ago as a last ditch effort to help me pull my own head out of my ass, because even the finest of, err, “facilities” in this world didn’t quite get the job done. It was there at the camp where I began to truly find healing and “freedom” from my jaded past. Meanwhile, four years later, now I volunteer at this camp as often as I can and “give back” to the same system that help me save my own damn life.
That being said, I want you to know that for me, being at camp on those weeks isn’t always easy. . It takes everything I have to stand surrounded by a 100 or more people that often are only inches away from the same “Death’s Door” threshold that I was standing at when I walked into that boot camp. It drains the life out of me just about every time, because as I have already said, for whatever reason I, as a human being, and very much physically affected by other people’s pain. It’s quite overwhelming to hear the never-ending stories, tragedies, and traumas. By the time Saturday afternoon rolls around and all of the new-found joys and freedoms of the campers are ringing loud in the halls of the boot camp, I’m ready to just run out the doors, speed home as fast possibly, take a long, hot bath, crawl into bed, and literally hide underneath the covers until Sunday morning. That’s how much it wears me out! Still, for all the emotional energy it drains me of, the reward of knowing that I’ve helped change lives is worth every single tear I secretly shed for those people.
Imagine the irony, then, when Zack found that package at on doorstep last night. You see, this particular boot camp was tougher than usual, so, on my way home yesterday afternoon I couldn’t stop crying, and remember driving down the road and thinking to myself:
My gosh! Is any of this worth it? Will any of these people ever remember me? Will ANY of the people I’ve reached out to in my lifetime think of me one day and smile? Is anything that I’m trying to accomplish really going to matter, and will I have truly made a positive impression on even one human being’s life before I leave here?
Yes, indeed, this is the conversation I was having with myself when I was on the way home from boot camp. So, I got home from camp around 4pm yesterday, and the plan was “supposed to be” that I take a bath and a small nap so that when Zack got home at 7pm we could maybe catch a movie and a bite. Not to be! Once Zack called at 6 to say he was headed home, I told him that I’d had a very rough camp this time, that I was physically and emotionally drained, and that all I wanted was to stay in bed. In fact, I couldn’t even manage an appetite, so I asked if he minded to pick himself up something to eat for dinner. He patiently agreed, and an hour later walked into our bedroom (where I was STILL laying on the bed in the same clothes I wore to camp, because, again, I was literally too smashed to move or even take that much-awaited bath) and greeted me with the most beautiful arrangement of flowers, a big kiss, a hug, and a question.
Hey honey, did you know there’s a huge package for you at the front door?
A minute later he walks back into the room with this GINORMOUS package in his arms,
Um, honey, have you been shopping on the internet? This is from Ireland? Silver Hill Foods? Do you have any idea?
I sat up in the bed and my jaw hit the ground! WHAT THE HELL? I couldn’t speak! Literally, my jaw was stuck on the floor with BOTH my hands covering my mouth as I stood there physically stunned and immobile.
You have no idea what you’ve done! For the record, I was just kidding with that post! Really? You did this for me? Stuart and Helen, please know that with the exception of my husband and my children, no one has ever “done or given” to me in such a way as this. NEVER EVER EVER! Not in this way. And of all things in my life that I hold dearest? Yes, I am truly the girl who hid underneath a comforter (never as nice as these though) for so many years that I cannot even tell you. It used to be the only place I felt safe – “underneath a comforter”. I have always loved and craved that cozy, yummy envelopment, and NO WAY I will ever understand why you did this for me.
I will never forget this and I will never be able to properly show my gratitude. My husband even got a little teary-eyed, by the way. No one has ever done anything like this for him either!
You see, honey? You HAVE made some positive impressions on people, just like I’m always trying to tell you!
These gifts you have given me and my family are more valuable and priceless than even a bag full of gold, and we will treasure these for as long as we are alive on this earth. It’s not just “the blankets”, it’s the thought. Someone thought of ME this time! SOMEONE THOUGHT OF ME! I love you both dearly and thank you, thank you, thank you so much! We cannot wait for the day that either we are all in Ireland or you are all here in the States. Our humble home will always be yours when you are near Dallas here you will be treated like royalty!
Okay, so I’m a wee bit of a neat freak. Some call it “OCD”. Sufficed to say, though, that I can organize things, thoughts, and even peopleright out of my life when necessary. It’s one of my perfect flaws, which, by the way, is NOT something I’m proud of. To the contrary, I tend to compartmentalize things I don’t know what to do with into neat little piles of oblivion that rest either in my own mind or, as in the case of “the bag that was in a bag that was in a bag inside a bag”, has, at times, been my greatest downfall.
Sunday, I was on the highest shelf in my tiny, temporary closet rooting around looking for something. A few unzips into an old gym bag that I used to contain all the other bags I didn’t want to get rid of, yet didn’t know what else to do with, and I was inside a smaller bag that belonged to Mitch. I had completely forgotten to remember that it had been inside my “bag of bags” for going on 13 years. As I unzipped it and slipped my hand in to grab the first thing I could see, I found myself giggling as I remembered the conversation we’d had about it on the day he had finally decided it was time for me to have some of space in his drawers and closets:
Baby, THIS right here is your new best friend! Why, you ask? Because she’s MY best friend! Why is THAT you ask? Because, when the hair looks good, Daddy is happy, and when Daddy is happy, you’ll be happy! She gets the center drawer right here … but you get ALL the rest!
It’s too bad that I can’t “type” the deep, drawn, sexy French-Cajun boy inflections that were his voice, and also TOO damn bad that I can’t “type” how he was standing there in the bathroom that morning holding that damned blow dryer in his hands! Mitch was all about “the stance” and there was just “that way that he stood” when he was talking about something that was important to him – kinda like, back leg straight, one hip up, other leg crooked out in front. Nah, words aren’t doing it justice. Anyhow, I digress. There are still pieces of his hair caught in the back of it, and the cord was STILL wrapped around the handle and tucked in “just this way”, because that’s how he always did it. OMG, he was so OCD! We were so much alike for so many reasons. There was something sweet and often unspoken about all the ways we understood one another.
So, this is what I am thankful for …
I am thankful that I have grown, recovered, survived, and “moved on” just enough so that I can now open some of my old bags of thoughts and laugh, not cry. Time truly can heal all wounds, and yes, there is a reason that God never lets us forget the memories He knows we’re gonna need, and even sometimes smile and laugh about before it’s all said and done, no matter how much we beg and plead for Him to just “erase them all from our mind” when they hurt too much to remember!
If you loved someone, you loved him, and when you had nothing else to give, you still gave him love.
{George Orwell}
Merry Christmas Catherine!
Catherine I hope you know how much I love you and the things I plan for you. I know you have not had many princess moments so far but I WILL change that this year. I want to build you a castle of stone and brick, buy you the finest things money can buy and I want everyone to you how special you are as a person and to me. I want everyone to envy us, not for our money but for how great our relationship is and how much I do for you. Though we may not get to spend as much time together this year I promise you that I will make it the best times we have ever had together. I know I am flawed but I am go to do everything I can to be the perfect husband. I will forgive you for all your mistakes if you will forgive me for mine, so that is going to require a lot of forgiving from you! Today is Christmas you know and who was better at forgiving than Jesus? All I want is for us to be happy this year this year baby and I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. You are my princess and I will show you that this year. I am going to make you feel more special than you have ever felt. Catherine I love you please accept this promise with the gifts I got you.
It’s no big secret to anyone who knows us that when Zack and I first got married at our friends’ home in Sachse, Texas, on November 1, 2010, not only were we broke, but we were also actually in arrears. My wedding gift to him? A beaten down, mentally challenged, badly disfigured “not quite employable” ME with over $30K in debt, a car I couldn’t afford, two kids, and a father who HATED him”. So, our “honeymoon” that night of our theatre room marriage was a trip through a drive-through and him carrying me over the threshold of our “palace”! It wasn’t until now, after a full year has passed, and due largely in part to the financial contributions of the only real “father” he’d ever known, Rick Scauzillo, that we were finally able to take our much-deserved honeymoon.
When we first started talking about where we wanted to go, it was his idea to take me back to New England so that he could see that beloved place I was once lucky enough to call home. It meant the absolute world to me that not only did he want to take me there, but even more so that he absolutely loved it! We flew into Boston and rented a car, then drove all the way to the tip of Maine and back down the coastline that eventually landed us in Providence. He truly “wanted to see it all and not leave anything out”, so that is what we did! Though we were still not off the ledge of “pretty much kinda broke” it was one of the richest times of our lives!
The Diary Of My Perfection 