I'm a Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;
Welcome to my journey. I hope it inspires you to find The Light in your own Darkness and the voice to speak your truths.
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the last drops of poison that seeps within the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up to touch the Sun instead of digging down into hell.
Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared ‘neath the stars above, for a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end – the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance. Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn’t I a king? But if I’d only known how the king would fall? Hey who’s to say? You know I might have changed it all. {Garth Brooks}
I’d been out running errands and was approaching the house in which I dwelled that was certainly not a home when it found its way to my cue. From that first, solemn chord, the forlorn guitar began cutting me like a knife as I pulled into the garage. There I sat frozen in my car, compelled to just sit and listen as the words began. Then, out of nowhere, a barrage of tears washed over me, literally and metaphorically. I was so numb and paralyzed in the moment that I couldn’t even wipe my eyes. I could neither breathe nor feel my fingertips as the music began manifesting a visceral aching inside my heart.
When it was over, I just sat there trying to gather myself before walking back inside the lie that had become my life. Before I knew it, my son appeared in the doorway holding his sister in his arms. They greeted me with their waves and smiles completely oblivious to the sobering reality that I was secretly dying.
That night, after everyone was asleep, I sat down at my computer to write a letter to God in this “Diary Of My Perfection”, which was then merely an outlet for my very private hell. The words to the song said everything that needed to be said at that moment, and thus my entry, “APRIL 21, 2008: I’m A Gift. I’m A curse.“
Here I am, fifteen years to the day that one of the most beautiful “gifts” I never knew I needed became a part of the tapestry of my beautiful life. It took a lot of blind faith, time, accountability, honesty, self-discovery, and patience, forgiveness and gracefor and with myself to be sitting in this chair writing this. Not a second goes by that I don’t remember how damn lucky I am to simply be alive.
When I listen to it now, my emotions are a paradox, as on one hand I can smile as I look back and realize how far I’ve come, but on the other, I am sadly reminded of a night just weeks before he left that my beautiful husband also listened to this song while we were driving home from “somewhere” and silent tears began falling from his eyes. It rips my fucking heart out when I think of how helpless and hopeless it felt to watch him dying right in front of me and even more so that he was never able to see what a gift to this world he truly was.
If I had one wish for anyone reading this and struggling to find “The Gift”, it’s that that they listen to this song in a very quiet place and really sit with all the chords and words as you let them break you down. The answer is inside you, I promise that it is, so, challenge yourself to find it. Your weakness is your strength. Being broken makes you whole. The pain that you feel IS the gift! Do the work, take your time, cry out to Jesus, and find your way back to the place your soul belongs: WITH YOU!
It’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s definitely okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest:
CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream out loud! Do what you must to let yourself feel everything that has hurt you so you can finally let it go! Then, someday when it’s time for you to sit back and marvel at what you’ve survived, listen to it again. Maybe, like me, you’ll find that ONLY these words remain:
… now I feel relief … I’ll hold on … I do belong here and I’m well … I’m living right … I can face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror … I let it go … I have something more to say for me …I believe in me … I defy … now I feel complete … like I matter to The One I need … now I’m THIS … I’M THE GIFT!
THE GIFT
Hold me now,I need to feel relief. Like I never wanted anything. I suppose I’ll let this goandfind a reason I’ll hold on to. I’m so ashamed of defeat. And I’m out of reasontobelieve in me. I’m out of trying to get by. I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong here and I’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. I can’t face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror. I’m so ashamed of that thing. I suppose I’ll let it go ’tilI have something more to say for me. I’m so afraid of defeat. And I’m out of reason to believe in me. I’m out of trying to defy. I’m so afraid of The GiftYou give me. Idon’t belong hereand I’mnot well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to The One I need. I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong hereandI’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Now I’m ashamed of this. {Seether}
Every time I tried to make it on my own. Every time I tried to stand and start to fall. And all those lonely roads that I have travelled on.
There was Jesus.
When the life I built came crashing to the ground. When the friends I had were nowhere to be found. I couldn’t see it then, but I can see it now.
There was Jesus.
In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it.
There was Jesus.
For this man who needs amazing kind of grace. For forgiveness at a price I couldn’t pay. I’m not perfect, so I thank God every day.
There was Jesus.
In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it.
There was Jesus.
On the mountain. In the valleys.
There was Jesus.
In the shadows of the alleys.
There was Jesus.
In the fire and in the flood.
There was Jesus.
Always is and always was.
No, I never walk alone.
You are always there.
In the waiting. In the searching. In the healing and the hurting. Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces. Every minute. Every moment. Where I’ve been and where I’m going. Even when I didn’t know it or couldn’t see it …
This is Ivan. He’s the lead MANIAC for the band of my life, Five Finger Death Punch! Ivan isn’t your run of the mill guy, and to some he may seem kinda scary. Covered in tattoos as he serenades the world from the darkest depths of his being, he’s the living embodiment of alchemy, and one of my very few heroes! He level’s up his “Phoenix” to an entirely different vibration if you can just look past the scars on his bleeding soul. “What you see is what you get.” Nope! Not with Ivan! He’s a completely open book and a total mystery, as on one hand he seems to be telling us everything about himself, while on the other no one really knows him. That’s how I feel about myself by the way, but where in the HELL was I going with this? Oh, yes, I remember … it seems I’ve been “shooken” by a ghost yet again!
Earlier this week he posted a clip of himself “TikTok-ing” with his daughter which immediately cut my heart in a brand-new place that I never knew needed to be cut. It was one of the sweetest things I think I’ve ever seen, while also one of the saddest. You see, I am a daughter who cannot help but wonder, “What could have been if my larger-than-life father had danced with me in the living room”?
So, here’s the thing, people: He’s probably worth a gazillion bucks and has a cult-like following worldwide. But when the lights go down at his final show, what do you think that beautiful little girl of his will tell her about her daddy? “Grandpa Ivan was a rock and roll star” or “Grandpa Ivan danced with me”? I’m betting it’s gonna be the latter.
This, my friends, is what us “knuckleheads” call “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, and I’m here to tell you it’s EVERYTHING! Despite the mottled undertones here about the struggles with my own father, I very much want to end this entry with a “brighter side of grey” that I’ve found …
My daughter had two dads to take her to the castle, which I find rather amazing. While her “step dad” escorted her to most of them, her real dad escorted her to a couple as well. Neither of them was perfect, and both of them hurt her in complicated yet delicate ways, but at the end of the day I just know in my heart that she’ll treasure those dancing days forever! She’s an incredibly lucky girl, but I’m an even luckier mom, so beyond thankful for both of the princes who danced with their Cinderella!
Some days I wake up with endless words to say, while others find me trapped in the silence that often accompanies my waves. Like this morning, for instance. She sent me this selfie she snapped while she was at her Dad’s playing in her make-up bag last night. When I saw it it took my breath away! How is that after all the mistakes I’ve made and the wrongs I could never make right that, she is this?
She is everything a mother could pray for her living legacy to be, and this world I’m lucky enough to live in with her is so much better with her in it. There aren’t that many people that know the magnitude of what she’s been through, but those who do find it no surprise that she IS her mother’s daughter. Please also let me include my very handsome first born in this regard, because well, he, too, is one of the strongest survivors I’ve ever known. Damn, just look at this people! I’VE MADE TWO MASTERPIECES!
So, with that, I’ll let these two pictures speak the volume of words I can’t possibly begin to quantify, with the exception of these words, because in this very moment, they’re exactly what I need to say to my son and daughter …
YOU’RE GONNA BE
Six pounds and nine ounces lookin’ up at me like I have all the answers. I hope I have the ones you need. I’ve never really done this. Now I know what scared is. Sometimes I’ll protect you from everything that’s wrong. Other times I’ll let you just find out on your own. But that’s when you’ll be growin’, and the whole time I’ll be knowin’ …
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be.
I’m afraid you’ll have to suffer through some of my mistakes. Lord knows I’ll be trying, oh to give you what it takes. What it takes to know the difference between getting by and livin’. ‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. Just know you’ll have to live with all the choices that you make. So, make sure you’re always givin’ way more than you’re takin’.
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you just hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … someone’s everything. You’re gonna see just what you are to me.
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … always loved by me.
Yet another bittersweet day for me with the passing of one of my favorite comedic actors, Jerry Stiller. For those of you who know me well it’s no secret that one of his best known sitcoms, “The King Of Queens“, is, was and probably always will be my favorite TV show! Williamson and I watched it every single night from the beginning of “us” to the end, and “Arthur” was one of his best impersonations. We all spoke fluent “King Of Queens” in our daily banter (as well as “My Cousin Vinny” and “Birdcage”) and Gia and I still do. Lol, Zack had always promised her that when he was old and if I was already gone, he would move in with her family and be their “basement Arty”.
It’s also no secret to those who know me that cooking is not my thing! Are there are some decent dishes I manage to pull off from time to time? Sure. No one has ever starved on my watch, but there’s not a person who I’ve cooked for who’s a stranger to my “interesting dinners”. I fondly remember an “episode” set at our table as if it were just last night: “The Night Of The Hot Pink Chicken!” It was the first meal I’d made for our brand-new little family on the third night we were married. I’d marinated some chicken in raspberry dressing, which chicken ended up literally turning pink. As I set the plates down, Gia turned to him as discreetly as she could with her hand on her little forehead trying not to let me see the look of fear in her eyes. Then just as sweet as he could be with nothing but appreciation for the effort I’d made, he quickly came up with the perfect line:
Well then, have a biscuit. Some of them came out PRETTY well!
It was an “Arthurism” from one of our very favorite episodes, “The Food Fight”! From that night forward throughout the entirety of our decade together there were SO many times he would chime in with that line, his very favorite “Arthurism”, at every one of my mealtime flops! Every time he spoke those words, I fell in love with him all over again!
While I’m saddened by his loss, especially for his loved ones, I’m again encouraged that death is nothing at all. He was so much larger than the life he lived itself, just like the “King” of this very lucky Queen, and their legacies both I shall treasure!
Zack once said that if he could have met any actor it probably would have been Jerry Stiller:
I can only imagine what a riot it would be to shoot the shit with that crazy old guy!
Well, if God is the God, I know in my soul He is, perhaps now he’ll get the chance! Godspeed Jerry. The comedic spirit and “crazy old man” you infused into the fabric of our lives will remain in our hearts and “Arthurisms” forever!
So, what was my thought behind the title of this post, “When Someone Dies And You SMILE”? Oooh but let me tell you! While I was waiting for Gia to wake up this morning, anxious to share the news of “Arthur’s” passing, I just sat in bed thinking to myself and smiling. That funny man brought SO much into our world … laughter, hilarity, and heartfelt joy! Which man you ask? Both Arthur AND my husband! I thought about crying, especially given the torrent of “first Mother’s Day without him” emotion I ran the gauntlet with yesterday, but couldn’t. Instead, I just sat there with my thoughts and countless memories cherishing the most beautiful ride of my life!
PS …
Perhaps our hands down favorite episode was “Spicy Sausage & Peppers”! I cannot tell you how many times Williamson asked unsuspecting waitstaff who were taking his order at restaurants: “How’s your spicy sausage and peppers?” Most often, they looked at him absolutely dumfounded, as if he were actually crazy, but the ones who got the joke always got an extra tip from him! This clip is a go-to on any of my “down days”. I CANNOT watch it without laughing until my sides hurt, so please do watch it and ENJOY! As for me? I’ll be spending the entire rest of this night binging The King Of Queens in tribute to both Jerry and my husband!
While I am more than thankful to claim the highest honor of “mother” of two living children, a son and a daughter, and one angel baby in Heaven, I am ever so mindful as I end this bittersweet day with the heart-breaking awareness that not every child got to celebrate with their mother today. As you’ve already read in the admonishment to his “mother THING” one year ago this day, the abandoned and motherless man who I was honored to call my king began his painful descent into the darkness she left him in that literally devoured him alive and indeed ended the most beautiful chapter of my life.
It wasn’t your fault!
You didn’t deserve that!
So, with that, if you are a mother THAT (not “who”) has abandoned and forsaken a child of her own body, know that the unfathomable wound you left them with will never truly heal. If, on the other hand, you are a child whose “mother THING” abandoned you? Please know that just like the battalion of mothers in this world who understood the magnitude of the job we were given, you are always in my heart and I pray for you daily.
YOU are a gift to this world!
From the depths of my soul, I’m am so sorry that happened to you, but remember this one thing always: Our Father in Heaven DOES NOT make trash!So, “Chin Up! Knuckles Out!”, and never wonder “WHY”. You are loved, needed, and valued here on this Earth.
The fate of a mother is waiting for children. You wait for them while pregnant, you wait for them when they return from nursery. Wait for them when they leave school. You wait for them when they start their life when they come home after a party. You wait for them when they come back from work so they can always find a hot meal. You wait for them with love, with anxiety sometimes with anger that immediately passes when you see them and you can hug them. So make sure your elderly mom doesn’t have to wait any longer. Visit her, love her, hug the one who loved you like no one else ever will. Don’t ever make her wait. Because they age limbs but a mom’s heart never grows old. Love her as you can. No woman will love you like a mother.
I recently stumbled upon the most beautiful passage about “the fate of a mother”, and I couldn’t have said it better myself. Stumble as I may have countless times in my motherhood journey thus far, the gift of all my children has been my highest calling and honor. But what do these words mean to you? You never waited for you son – he only ever waited for you – because you left him, like trash, to die in his own remains.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, your “son” stopped living the day he was born, but it was one year ago today that the hands of Fate threw the very last spin of the wheel that ultimately led to not only his demise, but the end of the most beautiful chapter of my life. Looking back, I can say that the very first hint of change in him was June 5, 2014, as that was truly the day the “rock” that was OUR Zack began crumbling. Slowly, subtly, yet ever so steadily, he began slipping down the hole that devoured him on January 11th this year, but it wasn’t really until May 12th last year that he started coming apart at the seams. I remember that morning as if it were right now, down to exactly where he was standing, what he was wearing, the look of angst on his face, what he was saying, and the tears falling from his eyes. Sufficed to say though, it was “Mother’s Day 2019” that earmarked the beginning of his end.
Still, on the surface, he seemed to have made peace with it all, so he moved on down the road. We made our own little family and he left you all behind in his dust. “Their loss, not mine”, he would say, and he couldn’t have been more right, as none of you were worthy of his presence! Trust me when I tell you that because of our professions, we knew plenty of people who “know them”. The general consensus about all your other Williamsons? You know, the ones you actually managed to want? “They’re selfish, shallow, greedy, social climbing wanna-bes in one of the greatest shows on Earth.” Everything about Zack’s character was so far removed from theirs that no one who realized the familial connection could fathom it. Watching random strangers literally scratch their heads and hearing the things people would say about them were amongst the highest compliments he ever received. He absolutely reveled in knowing that no one could begin to correlate him to “all of them”. But I’ve digressed. Sufficed to say, indeed it was “every Mother’s Day” that hurt him the most, even more so than all the birthdays you forgot as he waited year after year, phone in hand, for you to fucking remember him.
So, with that, today is bittersweet, as not a Mother’s Day had passed since he walked into my life that I wasn’t cherished, celebrated, and placed so high upon the pedestal he built for me that there literally are no words. It was no secret to anyone that your “son” was hell bent on making sure that I was abundantly aware of how revered my role was in not just his life, but my children’s as well, and especially on Mother’s Day. When we first met, he told me about his past and how not just you, but his entire “blood family”, abandoned him for what reason only God knows. He was so ambivalent about the things you people had done to him, but it still outraged me to the core of my being to not only hear the stories of his maternal abandonment and fucked up beyond reason childhood, but to have watch, live and experience the abysmal things his “family” did to him, all of which were completely unacceptable. As for those other “Williamsons” you spat upon this Earth who still get to live and breathe in the very same city where their “brother” slipped through the void? If a stranger were to meet a single one of them and not know who they really are, they’d be so impressed with the personas they present. But his truth is the truth, he spoke it, I witnessed it, and God watched every single bit of it! So, congratulations “mother”! You made self-consumed, dressed up narcissists with the plastic smiles and shallow hearts that only a “THING” like you could possibly be proud of!
Here’s all you really need to know now …
It’s Mother’s Day 2020, and 264 days ago your “son” shot himself in the head with a Springfield handgun and a hollow point bullet at just before midnight. You were nothing to him but a stranger, and what a shame you never knew what an amazing human being you threw away and the gift he was to this world.
Only God knows what was going through his mind in the very last moments of his life, and “what that may have been” will break my heart forever. Alas, he’s at rest now, finally at peace after the legacy of abandonment you chose to burden him with. But here’s what I do know was about the things that were in his mind during the years I was lucky enough to give him the only real home he ever had and the only real love from a woman, other than his Grandma, he had ever known:
Your “son” hurt us all with a broken mind and heart that were jaded beyond comprehension. “He must have had mommy issues” is what some will surely say, and sadly? IT WAS TRUE! He wasn’t quite two when you left him behind – him, and only him – but not your other kids, because for what good reason he could never understand you just didn’t want him like the others! You never turned back to see the tears that burned through his heart every day for the rest of his life.
When your “son” was just a boy, he had to sit in classrooms making Mother’s Day cards that he never really knew what to do with, so, he would tear them up and put them in the garbage as he was leaving the school grounds watching all the other kids being greeted by their mommies as he walked home to nothing all alone!
When your “son” was just a boy, he would go to his friends’ birthdays while his heart physically ached because you apparently couldn’t remember the day he was born. (It was October 5, 1982, just in case you forgot, which by the way, I know you did, since you never once called him on his birthday.)
When your “son” was just a boy, Mother’s Day broke his heart into little, tiny pieces that none of us who really loved him could ever put back together. He cried for you. He ached for you. He longed for you. He dreamt of you. He disappeared inside of himself waiting for you to want him!
Despite all these words and my more than apparent hostility, I have forgiven you and yours to the best of my ability for all the ways you destroyed my beautiful husband, especially given that I wholeheartedly believe that the entire lot of you are truly evil:
I really can forgive anyone for just about anything, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case-by-case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed “thing” altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.
But never will I forget the last ten years watching him try so hard not to break because none of you gave a FUCK about “the Zack of shit”, your “son”, their “brother”. You know, now that I think of it, there were so many things I was prepared to do for your son over the course of our lifetime but having to pick out his urn was never one of them. It’s all good though, because his remains will forever be mine, and not yours, because as he famously and repeatedly said to me:
Catherine, if they couldn’t be bothered with me when I was alive, then they don’t get to have me when I’m dead!
So, with that, Happy Mother’s Day to you, “mother THING” of my fallen king. May you sleep well this night and at the end of every Mother’s Day going forward that you’re able to enjoy with the other kids you did somehow manage to “mother”. Hold your hand over your chest now and breathe in all that you feel.It’s the still beating heart of the one woman in this world that was supposed to love my husband forever! Also? It is my most avid and fervent prayer that one day you will burn in ACTUAL hell!
IN HIS REMAINS
Separate. He sifted through the wreckage. He couldn’t concentrate – searching for a message in the fear and pain. Broken down and waiting for the chance to feel alive. Now in his remains are promises that never came. Set the silence free to wash away the worst of him. Come apart. Falling in the cracks of every broken heart. Digging through the wreckage of your disregard. Sinking down and waiting for the chance, to feel alive. Now in his remains are promises that never came. Set the silence free to wash away the worst of him. Like an army, falling one by one by one. {Linkin’ Park}
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have, but I feel the weight of what it brings and the hurt that tries to grab. The many trials that seem to never end. His word declares this truth … that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew. But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings, that there will be a place with no more suffering. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more … we’ll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always.
I know the journey seems so long. You feel you’re walking on your own. But there has never been a step where you’ve walked out all alone. Troubled sou,l don’t lose your heart, ’cause joy and peace He brings, and the beauty that’s in store outweighs the hurt of life’s sting. But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings … that there will be a place with no more suffering. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more … we’ll see Jesus face to face. But until that day, we’ll hold on to You always.
I can’t wait until that day where the very One I’ve lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced. To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery. Oh, this is why, this is why I sing. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more … we’ll see Jesus face to face. There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears. There will be a day when the burdens of this place will be no more … we’ll see Jesus face to face.
A cousin of mine in Rome posted this earlier today and it just made me so emotional. There are really no other words I could say now. These echo every one of my sentiments already. Just keep breathing everyone. Keep breathing.
If you could sit on this bench and talk to anyone for one hour, who would it be and what would you say?
I saw a post very similar to this on a social media feed earlier last week and it struck a chord in me so loud that my answer was instantaneous.I would sit down with “younger me” and THIS is what I’d say:
Hey there young lady, it’s so nice to meet you! You don’t know me, and I don’t mean to scare you, but let me assure you that one day we WILL meet again. For reasons I can’t explain, and may sound a little insane, I already know a heck of lot about you. Right now, you’re feeling scared. You’re feeling lost, abandoned, and alone. You’ve been betrayed by people you thought you could trust, and your glass heart has been shattered into pieces. You think no one can hear or see you, and when you face yourself in the mirror each day you see nothing looking back but an abyss. Worst of all, you can’t see her yet, but there’s a dragon circling above you like a carcass. She’s gonna hold you for ransom inside her solitary cave, but YOU are going to slay her!
There’s a long, dark road that’s coming up ahead and some of the places it’s taking you are gonna suck. But listen to me, and listen good: Don’t you DARE change a thing that you’re about to do or even ONE of the decisions you’re gonna make! Life’s gonna burn the wings off your back that you don’t even know you have yet and some people who claim to love you are gonna leave you on the ground while you’re choking on their dust. But alas, your wings are eventually gonna heal and take you so high above the ashes you almost die in that even YOU won’t know how to stop them. Through it all, you’ll become a queen, a Light in peoples’ darkness, and a legacy your kids will be proud of. So, buckle up sister and hang on for dear life … I’ll be waiting for you on The Brighter Side Of Grey. In the meantime, there’s a song you haven’t heard yet because it hasn’t even been made, but let me put “us” in some words you’re gonna love as you STAND and sing it to the world …
You felt like a candle in a hurricane. Just like a picture with a broken frame. Alone and helpless like you’d lost your fight, but you were alright! You were alright! ‘Cause when push came to shove you tasted what you were made of. You almost bent ’til you broke ’cause it was all you could take. On your knees you looked up, decided you’d had enough. You got mad, you got strong, wiped your hands, shook it off – THEN YOU STOOD! Our life’s like a novel with the end ripped out. The edge of a canyon with only one way down. We’ll take what we’re given before it’s gone. We start holding on. We keep holding on. Every time we get up and got back in the race one more small piece of us just keepings falling into place … ‘CAUSE WE STAND!{Rascal Flatts}
Just for the record, there’s around seventeen eff-bombs in this salt-encrusted message from me, “the NICEST bitch you’ll ever fucking know”, to “WHOM IT MAY CONCERN”! Sorry, not sorry. This is me … take me or leave me … ’cause I don’t really care … and by the way, don’t EVER fucking touch me unless I tell you to.
Oh, and for the record, my name is CAT, not “Hey, Sexy!”, you Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking douche nozzles who think it’s okay to speak to a QUEEN like she’s some kind of fucking thirst trap skeezer. Okay, that’s all. Now, go grab yourself some fucking Lucky Charms and have a really nice fuckin’ day!
Every morning when I get in my car, I play a fun little game with my stereo. I just spin the dial and leave it to Destiny’s roulette wheel to see which song my cue is going to land on and help me find my groove for the day. It’s kind of the best game EVER, part of my “music thing” therapy, and one of the little life nuggets I enjoy the most. So, this morning, the first song up was Iron Maiden’s “Wasted Years”.
I will never forget that Saturday afternoon in June of 2008 as I settled into my seat on Flight 438 and listened to this song as we flew. Thirty-eight seemingly “wasted years” in my rearview mirror and ZERO idea how many more were yet to come. Little did I know that an actual angel would show up in the seat beside me and change the course of my life forever, but he did, and here I am, “so far away” from the person I used to be who was then, indeed, “just a stranger to myself”.
From the coast of gold, across the Seven Seas. I’m traveling on, far and wide. But now it seems, I’m just a stranger to myself. And all the things I sometimes do, it isn’t me but someone else. I close my eyes and think of home. Another city goes by in the night. Ain’t it funny how it is? You never miss it ’til it’s gone away. And my heart is lying there and will be ’til my dying day. So, understand. Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up, make your stand! And realize you’re living in the golden years. Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind. Can’t ease this pain so easily. When you can’t find the words to say, it’s hard to make it through another day. And it makes me want to cry and throw my hands up to the sky. So, understand. Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up, make your stand! And realize you’re living in the golden years.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when all of a sudden it just hits them in the face, “WOW, this is how I’m doing.” A few nights ago, this little 3am “quarantine conversation” happened with my beautiful, SPARTAN daughter, and indeed I was punched in the face with the reality that something I’m doing is RIGHT, and indeed my “legacy” is an enigma! Every mother’s child has that one special gift, but this child’s mother is in awe, and by the way: I MADE HER!
We can’t just tell them what they’re wings are made for then sit back and “hope for the best”. We have to actually show them! And if, like me, as an imperfect parent you somehow manage to break their wings while they’re learning how to fly? ACCOUNT to yourself, AND to them, APOLOGIZE for letting them down, then pick yourself up and try again … TOGETHER!
I hope you enjoy this video. It’s a little long, but well worth watching. Meanwhile, here’s to learning why the callouses on our feet can be a useful! And hey, future son-in-law, wherever in the world you are right now – YOU’RE WELCOME! Or, I’m sorry, whichever is more applicable!
I’m sure you’ve heard me say that I have suffered from, battled, and overcome a mental illness. I’m not sure, however, that I’ve ever said which one.
So, Cat, which one was it?
Drum roll, please! Now, wait for it! Wait for it:
Hi! I’m Cat Williamson, f/k/a “Girl, Interrupted“. I HAVE BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (“BPD”). Well, I did that is. This month marks the seventh year of my recovery, and I’d like to tell you about it.
WHAT IS BPD?The National Institute Of Mental Health describes BPD as an illness marked by ongoing patterns of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with BPD may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.
Was This Me?
√ Check!
WHAT MAY HAVE CAUSED MY BPD? As is the case with most mental illnesses, many mental health care professionals believe that BPD is caused by a combination of either genetic and/or environmental factors. I strongly believe that my BPD was environmentally predisposed, inasmuch as I was exposed to many adverse childhood experiences (“ACES”) that may have triggered the development of my symptoms. Although I don’t recall any sexual or physical abuse as a child, there were a vast number of instabilities that likely contributed to my illness.
I was ripped away from a closely interactive paternal family when my parents abruptly uprooted us from our home at a very young age. Keep in mind that because our family was enmeshed, my grandparents, aunts and uncles were consistently present and close caregivers at that time. So, the immediate, unexplained loss of them literally overnight was deeply traumatic. Likewise was the damage to my impressionable psyche from both the inconsistent emotional and physical presences of my parents at different points in time due to issues of their own beyond my control.
This Really Happened?
Check √ Check √
WHAT WERE SOME SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS? Most adolescents and adults with BPD lack the healthy coping skills required to handle even minimal amounts of stress or emotional discomfort and therefore often present with these signs and symptoms:
Someday, I’ll revisit the somewhat comical story of how my diagnosis came about, but sufficed to say that when I first realized what in actual HELL was wrong with me, I was shaken. Not only did I have a mental illness, but it was one of the most stigmatic and difficult to treat. Borderlines already think that “everything is wrong with them”, so having THAT label all but plastered across my forehead like the “SCARLET BPD” really was kinda like a storm. It was a torrential fucking cataclysm pummeling me 24/7, complete with lightning bolt surges of voices in my mind screaming “YOU’RE BAT SHIT FUCKING CRAZY”!
Is it true that your mom is a sociopath who’s been in a mental hospital and is unsafe to be around children?
Yes, that really happened! The “first do no harm” medical professional leveled me and my daughter with my “girl interrupted” secret. Meanwhile, here I am, nine post-diagnoses years later. I did the work, know who I am, where I’ve been, and exactly where I’m going. That part of my journey is all but a distant memory, except to say that moving forward I have and will take any opportunity that avails itself to share “my little secret”, as in below when I did so recently in a very public forum. It’s the one thing I’ve published that I’m proudest of so far, because just as saying the words out loud to those closest to me was the most healing part of my journey, so too was writing the words out loud:
Oh, how I love and appreciate this question! Seriously, it means so much as a recovering Borderline to see these words out in the Cosmos in bold set black and white letters. It means you genuinely care and therefore desire to understand it, which for your average Borderline is more than half the battle! For me? The best thing anyone ever did to comfort me in my BPD darkness was to “look beyond the cover of my book” before casting unwarranted judgments, opinions, or assumptions about who others thought I was: “Crazy, dramatic, histrionic, spoiled rotten Girl Interrupted Catherine.” And by that, I mean this …
Obviously, as with any mental illness, there is no way to take a human brain apart and actually see the twists and turns that can “Molotov cocktail” a person into madness, but there is widely held belief that Borderline Personality Disorder tends to develop in a person with a history of: Emotional, physical or sexual abuse; Being exposed to long-term fear or distress as a child; Being abandoned or neglected (either physically or emotionally) by one or both parents; Growing up with another family member who had a serious mental health condition. [See Also the National Institute Of Mental Health’s overview in this regard.] In my case? Yup. My “childhood trauma resume” from cradle to this minute includes but is not limited to: ALL OF THE ABOVE! Although I do not believe that any of my primary caregivers intentionally and knowingly harmed, abused or traumatized me in the ways they did, but the resulting fallout was and is still very real to me, nonetheless.
I spent a lifetime (39 plus years) just trying to survive “me”, completely unaware of what the HELL was actually wrong with me, especially inasmuch as that “on the surface” at many junctures it did appear that my life was picture perfect. Even I sometimes told myself, “How dare you effing feel this way Catherine, you spoiled, crazy BRAT. Your life is absolutely PERFECT”. I hated me for hating myself and being “so unappreciative” of what ultimately revealed itself to be a farce of an existence, and especially hated knowing that the emotional storm cloud that seemed to follow me everywhere was raining on my loved ones’ heads as well.
Most Borderlines truly hate themselves at their darkest, deepest core because of the words and judgments of clueless people who’ve never walked a day in their shoes. They are programmed to believe that they are weak, dramatic, histrionic, ungrateful human train wrecks whose accompanying chaos darkens even the brightest room. BORDERLINES BELIEVE THEY ARE A CANCER TO THE WORLD, as so often this is what they’ve been told. My point being this: The best way to comfort a friend with Borderline Personality Disorder is to simply “hear them”. Listen to them. Dig a little deeper and ask them: What did your eyes see? What did your ears hear? How did your heart feel when it was a child? Then say these words to them: “I’m sorry that happened to you. It wasn’t fair at all, and I don’t think you’re a crazy, weak, spoiled rotten, histrionic train wreck of a human disaster. I’m sorry if no one ever told you that before.” Again, I am so thankful to see this question here and hopefully anyone reading my answer can find some value. “Girls Interrupted” are often just broken, yet powerful, very loving ANGELS that need their hidden scars and wounds acknowledged so their broken wings can finally get them off the ground. I know this all too well because that was me: “Girl Interrupted”. I spent so much time avoiding the Sun that I DIDN’T THINK I DESERVED that I cannot even tell you. I’m just so glad I lived to tell about it and finally start using my wings! Have a good day, and again, THANK YOU FOR ASKING THIS QUESTION!
So, there you have it! I’ve said it out loud, but I’m not a “girl interrupted” anymore. I’m the woman who’s a miracle … a STORM that finally “broke free”. My husband used to call me “The Borderline Whisperer”, because as I’ve walked side by side by side with the brave little “dark passenger” I’ve all but become best friends with, I’ve become accustomed to recognizing it quickly. In the last few years, I’ve had “the conversation” with quite a few people, most of whom have since sought treatment and are now fighting their way out of the storm. He was so fucking proud of me … his “beautiful disaster” of a wife … and everything he saw me go through to conquer it it. He was my number one supporter and never once threw it in my face or made me feel less than because I was sick. There’s no way I’d be writing this write today if it wasn’t for him. I know it. He knows it. GOD KNOWS IT! He carried the torch that God, Himself, prepared that lead me out of the darkness to The Brighter Side Of Grey, and I know he must be smiling right now as he watches me go public. How bittersweet is the irony that he that couldn’t find his way out of the darkness? Nevertheless, I am no longer ashamed to “say the words out loud”, because guess what? They don’t define me. That little secret makes me sick no longer, because it’s NOT a secret anymore!
BREAK FREE
Help me – I’ve fallen further in myself. I’m stuck here again. And I can’t see that I’m not digging my way out – I’m digging my grave. I’ve become my own demise. Paralyzed inside my mind. Arms are weak from holding up this front. No escape and no surprises. Complicated compromises. Hold me down when what all I really want is just to break free. Break free. Break free from everything. Break free before it breaks me. There’s got to be another way to start again. Tell me how you can be the brightest star and light up the sky? Well, I can’t seem to even light up my own way and I’m burned out from trying. I’ve become what I despise. Paralyzed inside a lie. Arms are weak from holding back the flood. Sinking as the waters rise. Drink myself to sleep each night. I’m going under and all I really want is just to break free. Break free. Break free from everything. Break free before it breaks me. There’s got to be another way to start again.
{Like A Storm}
If you or someone you know may be struggling with BPD:
… that moment your memory is reminded once again that it was “6 years ago” you “remembered” … and how lucky are you to be the luckiest women you’ve ever known, because now you have not one king, but two living safely in your heart, and some women never find one at all …
THE HEART WILL GO ON
Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go ’til we’re gone. Love was when I loved you, one true time I’d hold to. In my life we’ll always go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. You’re here, there’s nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We’ll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on. {Celine Dione}
This morning I was daydreaming and making plans for a future I’m not so much planning as I am visualizing. It’s this thing he taught me to do: “If you want it, SEE IT, then make it happen!” Now, I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “Well, then why the hell didn’t he just SEE himself out his darkness?” Well, unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t work that way, especially when a human mind ends up literally splitting in two.
Zack and I always talked about the little cottage I want so badly, and he vowed to make that happen before my time was done. So, he would make me visualize it until then:
Close your eyes, Catherine. Tell me what you see. Tell me EVERYTHING you want at the cottage.
Then I would close my eyes and tell him:
It will look like a fairy tale … small and cozy … surrounded by trees … covered in climbing ivy with a stone chimney up on top … SURROUNDED BY HYDRANGEAS, YELLOW ROSES, SILVER BELLS AND COCKLE SHELLS …
This morning, while I was daydreaming, I once again closed my eyes and “saw it”. The little cottage that I’m going to have with the climbing ivy, stone chimney, and all my favorite flowers. Then, all was well and my day progressed.
Twenty minutes ago, my doorbell rang. “Who in the world?” When I opened the door, my stomach hit the floor in every best possible way with that all too familiar adrenaline dump I’ve come to know so well during the worst and best moments of my life. It was his florist … the only one he EVER patroned … and his partner in all these flower crimes when it came to knowing how to make me smile … with this beautiful arrangement for ME:
Hi, Cat. These are from Diane. She just wanted you to know we’re all thinking of you constantly.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dismiss it as just coincidence if you must, but nope, not me, NOT EVER! Never will I fail to heed the signs of life that still flourish in the darkness! To me, it’s serendipity! My husband, my fate, and even God Himself all screaming to me out loud!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am one hell of a truly blessed woman! Zachariah, not a single one of your years in this realm were in vain. Every gift you gave and dream you dreamt is going to carry on for as long as I’m still on this Earth, because that’s just how it’s supposed to be.
The push is always part of us, and gravity’s never a friend. Deciding on who we can trust and finding our way to crescendo to the unknown. We’ll never make it outside unless we unlock the past and release the future that we’ve left to die. For too long we’ve taken placebos, but the unknown is awakening. Don’t give up now! There’s already so much at stake! If Atlas falls, I’ll rise up and carry us all the way. No we can never look back. Return to the salt and the sea. The quiet is only a trial and I will not take the placebos ’cause the unknown is awakening. But I will crescendo. Don’t give up now! There’s already so much at stake. If Atlas falls, I’ll rise up and carry us all the way. It won’t hold me down … the weight of impossible days. I’ll stand tall. I’ll rise up and carry us all the way. Keep moving forward now. Keep your head above the clouds. I’m right with you. I will lift you. Just hold on. {Shinedown}
The worst mental illness someone can have is any mental illness they are afraid to be honest about for fear of what will people think. So many broken people choose to live behind a mask, perhaps thinking it’s the only way they can protect the people they love, and perhaps even themselves, from the monster that is lurking within them.
Case in point: I just lost my husband to suicide on August 22, 2019. He had been diagnosed with childhood abandonment related depression a year prior. However, no one that thought they knew him had any idea what we had been dealing with at home, such that on August 23rd, when the news “hit the wall” on my Facebook page that he had taken his own life, everyone was shocked beyond belief. No one saw it coming, because he wore a mask. My husband was always the brightest light and happiest face in every room with a larger than life presence. His smile was infectious. But behind every one of his smiles, jokes, and laughter, he was secretly dying inside. He believed for the longest time he could manifest his depression away by “faking it until he made it”, but sadly, that was not to be. He literally drowned inside himself, and the demons that had been circling his living carcass for his entire lifetime finally won.
I personally believe that mental illness is still such a stigmatic issue that people who are suffering in silence are less likely to be forthright about their situations and seek the help they need for fear that in doing so they will be seen as weak, crazy, ungrateful, or just plain lazy.
“Mentally” and “ill” are not two words people want to be associated with in conversation. I myself struggled with a debilitating mental illness of my own for many years, so I do have that very personal point of reference as well. I was ashamed of myself and so afraid to let people see what was really going on inside of me for fear of “what would people think”. So, I, too, hid it behind a mask with the biggest smile I could fake. Thankfully I survived to tell about it.
I’ve been writing incessantly about both my, my husband’s, and even my beautiful daughter’s mental health journeys in “The Diary Of My Perfection” and specifically wrote a piece that I believe correlates to this topic in an entry entitled “SOLITARY: Life Behind A Mask” if anyone cares to read further on my perspective with this. It’s a commentary on The Joker movie, which I believe was a sobering eye-opener on this subject and really delves right into what I am saying.
This is a great question, by the way, and an extremely important one at that. Chances are that someone you know, and perhaps even someone very close to you, could be hiding behind a mask of their own and fighting an invisible monster alone in solitary. It’s imperative that as a society we find a way to enable those who are living in such darkness to take off their masks and start walking towards a light. The more awareness we bring to this? The more lives will be saved!
If only you could spend a day or two kicked back in a performance hall laden with mind-blowing acoustics to hear the soundtrack that coincides with my life via this Diary, oh, what a thrill you’d be in for! The concert of my life includes the highest of high, and lowest of low twists, turns, loops, and lulls that could only be rivaled by the most epic of roller coasters ever built. The melodies, ballads, thrashers, and beats on the “repeat” playlist in my mind and on my speakers ranges from orchestral compilations to “death metal” and Jesus, and everything else in between.
Five Finger Death Punch is one of my all-time favorite bands and their music was being woven into just about every part of my story long before I even knew who they were. I’m not gonna lie … it’s a little rough around the edges, and definitely not for the faint of heart. What we “Knuckleheads” know, though, is that behind every “fist in the air” and “finger to the sky” are the silent tears and broken pieces of men literally bleeding their souls out loud. Whereas the untrained ear hear “bitterness, hate, and defeat”, the Knucklehead hears tragic truth, hard-earned wisdom, and even the lighter and brighter part that that comes afterwards.
This morning, I posted this on a Death Punch page I follow:
Hello tribesmen. Hope you’re all faring well in this COVID operation. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here locked in my house with only my German Shepherd and my thoughts. When I posted this on my blog today, I went back to read it then closed my eyes and had THE best imaginary scenario about me and ALL OF YOU …
It’s two months from now. The pandemic has desecrated the earth. People are literally insane, like, real life “Walking Dead” martial law civilian chaos. But MY TRIBE is thousands of fed up, pissed off, “not right in the head” but actually VERY RIGHT IN THE HEAD, well-prepared, “life’s been priming us for this shit since the day we were born – how YOU doin” inked up, leather clad, metal in their faces, weapons-ready warriors and bulletproof phoenixes that the world once thought were just a bunch of angry freaks, losers, weirdos and assholes grinding their axes for NOTHING! Then? We take over the world! It was THE best mini-movie I’ve ever watched in my mind!
Let’s be ready to pick up our axes and start swinging, and this can be our fight song! Happy Friday everyone. Love all of you angry freaks and weirdos. No, really!
So, here’s my THRASHER
vibe for the day:
“Outlaws & Outsiders”
If “Coronapocalypse 2020” is really coming for us, rest assured that you’ll find me and mine living in the EPIC rogue society this song is conjuring in my mind! An army of formerly voiceless, broken, set aside, forgotten, hated, misunderstood and shame-filled “less-thans” whose lives have been preparing them for social distancing from the moment they were born? HELL TO THE YAH! They’d be the best tribe to survive with if the end of the world is really coming, complete with their giant axes in the air as they go searching for all the other survivors. Once upon a time, some of us actually lived beneath rocks for this hypothetical moment in time! Just sayin’ …
OUTLAWS & OUTSIDERS
Got a gypsy soul. I’m a rebel and rogue and I’m always on the run. With a fire inside, I ain’t ever gonna die. I’m a locked and loaded gun. When the matches strike and the gasoline lights, it’s only just begun. One thing I learned, is you can watch it all burn, but the flame ain’t ever done! Ooh … Raise ’em up a little higher, your lighters, outlaws, and outsiders! Ooh … Some call me a renegade. The enemy. Throw your hands up if you feel the same. Whoa, living life at the edge.
Just say what you wanna say or walk away! I’ll stand tall when there’s hell to pay! Ain’t no power higher. We’re the outlaws and outsiders! Mm, yeah.
I was born in the dark with a fearless heart and a taste for the other side. I was a crazy-ass kid. All the shit I did. I’m amazed that I’m still alive. They thought I’d change with a little bit of age, but you know I never will. Takes too much time to walk a straight line and I don’t have time to kill. Ooh … Raise your fists up higher, you fighters, outlaws, and outsiders! Ooh … Some call me a renegade. The enemy. Throw your hands up if you feel the same. Whoa, living life at the edge.
Just say what you wanna say or walk away. I’ll stand tall when there’s hell to pay! Ain’t no power higher. WE’RE THE OUTLAWS AND OUTSIDERS!
(Cory Marks with Ivan Moody, Travis Tritt & Mick Mars)
I remember the first time I heard this song in 2013 and how much it inspired me. Zack and I had been married for a couple of years, but despite the fact that we were crazy in love and truly being each other’s “better half”, I was still getting comfortable with the healthier skin I was wearing and learning how to stretch it after years of fighting to keep my head above the water in the battle for my sanity. My feet were on the path but it was a daily battle.
An angel to my left. The devil to my right. It was time that I made a choice.
This is MY experience … “widowed by suicide” and all. I’m “all in” and here to tell you that I wouldn’t change a SINGLE step I’ve taken on this twisted as fuck but ethereally beautiful road I’ve GOTTEN to travel. Every single ounce of pain I’ve had to swallow has been my greatest medicine.
EXPERIENCE
Meet me at the crossroads. The edge of all my broken dreams. I feel like I’m missing something. Missing out. Missing me. I can only do what I know feels right. It’s time that I let go. Experience. Experience it all. I found a risk worth taking. Right or wrong, it’s my line to cross. Experience. Experience it all. I found a life worth living. I want to feel alive. I want to do more than just survive. Swimming in the shallow water. They never let me get too deep. The tide will have to take me under. Pull me in. Set me free. An angel to my left, the devil to my right. It’s time that I made a choice. Experience. Experience it all. I found a life worth living. I want to feel alive. I want to do more than just survive. A dream is only a dream. A dream is only a dream until you make it real. A dream is only a dream unless it’s something you can feel. I want something I can feel.
I’ve been a fan of the late British philosopher, Alan Watts, for quite some time. This particular lecture was my very first exposure to him and I’ve since listened to him as often as possible. His thought-provoking messages and ideals have a way of making you wonder, or as is the case with me, confirming what you already believe to be true.
Watts was known to be incredibly imaginative, if not stubborn in his vision, but at the same time open to the concept of “open-mindedness“. He was “black and white” and GREY, just like me, so, I feel a certain alchemy and connection to his spirit. I’ve had both my kids listen to him now, and they, too, are appreciative as they learn, grow, and expand their minds from his theories. If you’ve never heard of him, I truly hope you’ll find him as fascinating as I do. It’s really nice to listen to him in a quiet, candlelit space with a blanket, a German Shepherd, a handful of snuggly cats, and a cup of Joe! WINK, WINK! Just sayin’!
I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow. I’m writing this in case I’ve moved along. There’s something that I hope you’ll remember: That life is not a game, it’s a song. So, take the best parts of me, locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey. If you’re reading this, I know you’re feeling sorrow. If you’re hearing this, I know you’re probably scared. Just know that all the things you own are borrowed, and all you get to keep is all you’ve shared. So, wipe away the tears for me, know that we’ve made history. Remember no one ever really dies. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey.
THIS PICTURE. I sketched it in my early 20’s using the literal ashes from both my father and His ashtrays. At the time, I had no idea the impact this or any of my 32 Sketches would have on me down the road, yet as I look at them now, I can’t help but notice that although I was in very dark place when they were born, something trapped deep inside me was hopeful. Still … this one! It begs the younger me to stay focused on the very bright future I couldn’t see through the fog, yet was patiently beckoning me all the while.
My disease imprisoned me in dichotomous thinking and held me for ransom in the little boxes inside my mind where I stored all my pain and trauma. Before I put it into remission, I was unable to accept people, situations, emotions, or behaviors as anything other than “good or bad”, “right or wrong”, or “one way or the other”. My entire life was black and white with no room for the grey! I had a defensive view of both the positive and negative qualities of myself and everyone else, and there was no way for my broken psyche to allow anything in between to exist in one cohesive space.
How did this happen?
It’s often been suggested that my “splitting” was the result of severe emotional trauma and psychological abuse from my childhood. I tend to agree. You see, I was raised in a works and deeds based system of love and acceptance. If I was “good”, I was praised, affirmed, and rewarded. If I was “bad“, I was admonished, punished, and rejected. They’d “wash their hands of me” when I screwed up or failed to follow the rules, with zero validation or consideration of my feelings. My mind would “split” as I desperately attempted to shield myself from the constant fear of being abandoned, betrayed, or eviscerated by anyone who claimed to love me. While I don’t believe these traumas were inflicted intentionally, they were real nonetheless, as was the effect they had on my psyche. For years in the wake of not only my broken childhood, but in the wake of my self-inflicted destruction, I felt alone and voiceless, regardless of the people who appeared to be standing beside me. As such, I, myself, attempted suicide on November 8, 1996 and lived to tell about it. But I’ve digressed …
Music has always been an integral part of my mental wealth journey, but one of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, has been at the forefront of my recovery. Their songs have not only helped identify some of my lost and broken feelings, but also given my former self permission to either cry my feelings to the surface or just yell and scream them out loud! I’d pre-ordered their new album months ago, had been counting the days until release, and was stoked to finally get to listen to it cover to cover while running errands today. Meanwhile, when this song cued up, I had to pull my car into the breakdown lane as the words began cutting me in all the most bittersweet ways. I couldn’t stop the tears and physical heartache, and literally couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most cathartic, fucked up, and beautiful gifts of my life. It was as if he were singing it himself. To me. To her. To Christian. To the very few people he left behind who he ever truly loved and let into his private world. Someday, when it’s time for her to read the letter he wrote but never gave her, I’ll let her hear the song. Knowing God the way I do, when she’s finally able to receive these most alchemical lyrics of both our lives in conjunction with the most impeccable words a secretly dying father could have possibly written to his daughter, they’ll become as significant a part of her healing as they’ve been to mine.
For more than four decades, I lived a black and white existence with no room for the grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. The grey is where I found all my truths. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace imagineable. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and that there’s always a brighter side to all of this bittersweet and beautiful grey.
I’m not gonna lie … it is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I’ll hear as they bid me farewell.
Not long before he died, he had also decided to have an infinity symbol, which is also an “8” when turned on its side, with both mine and Gia’s name tattooed on his left shoulder. This amazing woman even worked two semi colons into each end of the design for me, which we weren’t sure would even be possible, because as you know ...
He had to be smiling from ear to ear as he watched me open that package with as much pure joy as the day he first slipped those rings on my finger, and I will treasure this masterpiece as long as I’m alive. Although Gia still has so much to process where Zack and the horrific way that he hurt her are concerned, when the day finally comes that I, too, have to move on to The Brighter Side Of Grey, hopefully she and maybe even her daughters will treasure and wear it proudly as they bask in the legacies of love, Light, and endless resilience their “Crazy Grandma Cat” and even Zack were determined to have live on through them infinitely.
ENDLESS
Before the start, beyond the end. As far as east is from the west. Measureless. From open sky to ocean depths. More than man can comprehend. Measureless. Your love is without limit, Your love is constant. Your love goes on forever. Your love is endless. Your love is overwhelming, I can’t contain it. Your love, Your love, Your love is endless! Oh, how vast, and oh how wide. Far beyond all space and time. Measureless. Your love is without limit. Your love is constant. Your love goes on forever. Your love is endless. No death, no height. No fear, no shame, no lie. I am convinced, even the grave could never separate. {Cory Asbury}
I am now “ASIST” (Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training) certified. I’d say it was an emotionally tough 48 hours, but that wouldn’t be quite true. There were definitely a couple of moments when I felt myself potentially sliding backwards, like during a video reenactment of a 911 suicide call with the sound of a double-barrel shotgun being loaded and death certificates being filled out on the widescreen. Still. No tears. Not a single one. I refuse to look back with sorrow, agony, or regret at the devastation in my life.
I only want to look ahead!
In addition to the life-saving skills I learned, the most powerful takeaway wasn’t skill related at all. You see, when I walked into that facility it was packed. Forty something people were all there to be volunteer trained, and even some who traveled to Dallas from other states to teach the class. Keep in mind that an inventory of the trainees revealed “regular people” from many different jobs, professions, statuses, and groups. While some, like me, had either lost a loved one to suicide or survived an attempt of their own, most were not in either category. It was a random group of concerned citizens who truly believe that suicide is a serious and growing epidemic society is facing who just wanted to find a way to help. It reminded me, yet again, that this world isn’t as dark and lonely as it often seems, and there are still good people in it.
While I pray to God that I never get that call and have to put these skills to use, statistics say that I probably will. I’M PREPARED! God allowed me be broken so that I could become a Light in the dark and live a life of use to others in His name. I am bound and determined to maintain every SINGLE ounce of the resilience I’ve fought so hard to earn going forward and for the rest of my days on this Earth.
TELL YOUR HEART TO BEAT AGAIN
You’re shattered like you’ve never been before. The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor. And words fall short in times like these when this world drives you to your knees. You think you’re never gonna get back to the you that used to be. Tell your heart to beat again. Close your eyes and breathe it in. Let the shadows fall away. Step into the light of grace. Yesterday’s a closing door. You don’t live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again. “Beginning”. Just let that word wash over you. It’s alright now, love’s healing hands have pulled you through. So, get back up, take step one. Leave the darkness, feel the Sun. ‘Cause your story’s far from over and your journey’s just begun. Tell your heart to beat again. Close your eyes and breathe it in. Let the shadows fall away. Step into the light of grace. Yesterday’s a closing door. You don’t live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again. Let every heartbreak and every scar be a picture that reminds you Who has carried you this far. ‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment Heaven’s working everything for your good. {Danny Gokey}
Yes, my friend, I know exactly how you’ve been, and, no, I don’t ever want to see you here again. Don’t forget to keep those walls down and your windows open wide as you stand in your mirror often and marvel at who you’ve become. You don’t need to wish for anything when you start to fall,because after all that we’ve been through, we’ve learned how to pick ourselves back up. No more pretending. No more truth bending. This “game” is not a game … it’s a song. You’re a Phoenix. You’re a queen. YOU’RE You’re a WARRIOR and a SURVIVOR! Now go on and shine that Light in someone’s darkness the way you were always meant to. I love you, girl!
How have you been? Nice to see you again. How quickly these conversations seem to end. You meet a friend every now and then. How quickly these relations turn into trends. Put all your walls up and open your windows and close all your doors. You catch yourself standing in front of the mirror and now you need more. What do you wish for to catch you as you’re falling. So easy to ignore, but now you hear it calling again. “I wouldn’t want to be you. This lonely game that you play between your walls you confuse. Every heart that you break. So afraid that you’ll lose. Always a void to replace. I wouldn’t want to play you. You try and pretend, the truth is hard to bend. How easy these translations can be read. What if you were led to play a different game instead. How hard these frustrations are to mend. Does it matter to you? Just wait! {Trapt}
Long before August 22, 2019, when Zack turned our world upside down in the most egregious way possible, Gia had been on a downward spiral of her own. It was November of 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone, Zack walked into our room with a look of fear on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she’d Googled, “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I want to kill myself”.
Our world came to a frozen halt!
Prior to his suicide, Gia had been fighting a darkness of her own for years, at the heart of which was the depression, anxiety, and PTSD from the unsettled relationship with “real dad” and the subsequent fallout His girlfriend and her daughter bestowed her. “Girlfriend” is the highly skilled and calculated”first do no harm” nurse THING with an agenda that’s seeing it’s way to fruition as I write this. They did a number her, which is still a source of unrest for her to this day, as not only is he still with her, but he’s planning to marry her.
Meanwhile, her years at St. Mark’s were spent toggling on the in and outskirts of a tribe of girls that only perpetuated her depression. “The Squad”, as they called themselves, were and still are clustered together like herpes blisters to bolster these infectious beliefs:
🔪 That being popular is the only power available to them.
🔪 That said popularity and power are directly linked to the societal insinuation that: “In order to be popular, and therefore powerful, you MUST be pretty and thin, have JUST the right shade of skin, and oh, yah … you gotta have LOTS of STUFF!”
🔪 That the most desirable and valuable sources of the power they seek are the truly feminine attributes: “The more physically developed, naturally gifted, talented and intelligent another girl is, the more dangerous her threat”.
🔪 That cruelty is a necessary evil in pursuit of “the power and position” within the hierarchy of a group.
🔪 That shunning, ostracizing, mocking, and humiliating any female whose naturally powerful attributes pose a threat to their own popularity and power by exposing, via comparison, their LACK of naturally powerful attributes, is the most effective way of reducing the other girl’s power.
🔪 That the “lower status” girls are typically the kindest ones, with the most effortless demeanors, and, therefore, most likely to just stand back and be trampled on by a pack of desperate loser TRASH.
LONG story short …
“The Squad” could neither stand NOR tolerate her lingering presence, much less allow her to enjoy any security within the group. Her genuine likeability, kind heart, natural beauty, intelligence, effortless athleticism, more developed physique, and “affluence” by virtue of her family were threats to the popularity and power they so desperately craved amongst their bottom-feeding, loser selves.
THEY WERE JEALOUS LITTLE ASSHOLES WHO COULDN’T HANDLE HER SHADOW, SO THEY HAD TO FIND A WAY TO LEVEL THEIR VERY SPARSE PLAYING FIELDS BY LEVELING HER!
Wow, that’s harsh Cat! They were young girls who probably didn’t know better.
NOPE! Wrong answer! By this point in their lives, they most certainly knew better, and likewise, knew exactly what they were doing! For the record, a few of their pig like, “let’s relive high school vicariously through our daughters”, white trash, day drinking, pot smoking, pleather wearing, titties and asses hanging out all over social media, “making out with other moms in nightclubs” mothers actually supported, if not instilled the “do what you must to ascend to the top” mindsets into their daughter’s psyches from a very young age. Lol, one hasn’t lived until they’ve actually heard a sixth grade TWOT of a girl say to the carload of other sixth graders packed into your SUV on the way home for a Friday night sleepover:
My mom said that the new girl’s family is VERY rich, her grandparents live in a mansion, and that I should try and make friends with her so that SHE can make friends with her mom so my DAD can try and get their business.
Umm, really? It’s beyond pukeworthy, but also? ABSOLUTELY TRUE! These are the kind of “white-collar” trash bag families my daughter was associating with.
But I’ve digressed …
Yesterday, I finally got to the bottom of something that’s literally been eating her alive. As it turns out, her stunningly beautiful face and very developed physique had become more of a problem for “the Squad” than we’d suspected. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen your already broken daughter just staring at her plate and fighting through that mental gauntlet so many of us fall prey to:
I’m hungry, but maybe I shouldn’t eat this, because after all, I’m just a huge cow with gigantic legs that are twice as big as Taylor’s.
That’s right people, turns out Gia has had a dragon of her own circling her fragile heart.Fortunately, though, she talks to me about everything, albeit some days more than others. Now that I think of it, both my kids talk to me about everything, and eventually I get to the bottom of all their truths. With each day that passes, I’m learning more about the self-sabotaging voices she’s been fighting inside her mind, and as we talked through the war she was having with her food yesterday, she finally spilled these sobering words:
Mom, the thing is, I hate the way I look. I hate my curves and hate being so tall. And Mom, I never told you this, but last summer when I was at a Squad sleepover, we were upstairs, and Taylor started making fun of how much bigger my legs were than hers. She said, “Look everyone! Two of MY legs equals ONE of Gia’s!” Then she pointed out how much bigger my legs were than EVERYONE’S, and they all started laughing. THEN she started talking about my big, huge chest, and they started laughing even harder, and I felt like dying inside, and wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. They were supposed to be my friends Mom, but NO ONE stood up for me! Not even MJ! I wanted to call you to come pick me up, but I didn’t. I HATE MY BODY! Why DO my legs have to be so big? Maybe I just need to eat less?
And there you have it folks! It was a cruel and heartless CUNT bitch move! After all that my daughter had done for worthless sewer rat, “Tae Mae”, the only way she could make herself feel was to bring my daughter down to her “giant” knees. When I imagine my beautifulMona Lisa sitting there surrounded by “her tribe”, the girls who were supposed to stand up for her, not only against the world, but against each other if necessary, in yet another “circle of abuse”, it makes me literally want to puke. It was her very own “Spic And Span“, and it was unacceptable!
I was infuriated beyond comprehension at first, but quickly remembered that I needed to keep calm and control my reaction. So, I took a deep breathe, thought things through, and this was my response:
Gia, I hear and understand you. I have been where you are and felt these same feelings, and I’m sorry that happened to you. It was unacceptable, BEYOND untrue, but damaging, nonetheless. But going forward, if you are to rise above this, you CANNOT worry about other peoples’ opinions. Remember: What other people think of you is none of your business! Any cruel disregard for your heart, emotions, and feelings is about THEM, not you, because in all their pathetic weakness, those “words” are ALL they have to slay you with. THEY HURT YOU BECAUSE THEY FEAR YOU! And remember this: You’re a queen, too, my beautiful little girl – a lioness perched on a hill! You DO NOT and WILL NOT consider the opinions of pitiful, insignificant, irrelevant, weak herding sheep that laugh at, mock, or torment you just to gain power, because you are MY daughter, and you are stronger and better than that! We can’t change the past, but we CAN change the future, so here’s what: Finish your breakfast, go get changed, let’s hit the gym today and do the work! Deal?
And so with that, we WILL keep working towards our soul destinations. My daughter is that fighter who will “keep on fighting on“, because she is mine, and that’s what GOOD queens do. Goodnight everyone!
FIGHT ON FIGHTER!
I was there on the day that you were changed. You were scared and prepared for the heartbreak. Everything you knew faded out of view. Stole a piece of you. If I could, oh, I would be a hero. Be the one who would take all the arrows. Save you from the pain, carry all the weight. But I know that you’re brave. Fight on, fighter! Don’t let anyone steal your fire. Fight on, fighter! The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah. There’s a part that you hold that you lock down. Let it breathe, give it wings, set it free now. Time to make ya walk, break the prison bars. Show them who you are. Fight on, fighter! Don’t let anyone steal your fire. Fight on, fighter! The Spirit is alive inside ya, yeah. Stronger than you than you ever thought. I know you’re stronger. Braver than you were before. You know you’re braver. Oh, no, you don’t have to be afraid. Together we’ll face it. So don’t ever stop no matter what. ‘Cause you’re gonna make it. {for King & Country}
There is NO way for me to properly express the depth of my gratitude for the love, support, and faith you’re all pouring into me not only here in The Diary, but in other forums such as Quora, where I’m sharing not only my journey, but the fallen king’s as well.
My reach is growing stronger by the minute, and I’m consumed by a burning fire in my heart when I open my statistics every morning to find that people literally all over the world are reading my words. I’m getting messages daily, from again, all over the world, and what is resonating loudly is that people are relating to all the best and worst parts of my life and being inspired to try and make some changes of their own and step out of their own silent darkness. All I’ve ever wanted is for other broken people to realize the power and potential of their own strong warrior hearts and find the courage to not only survive … but THRIVE!
I can’t stay chained to my secrets …
…and neither can you! The secret pain, anguish, heartache, and trauma we keep buried within our hearts is nothing short of a 30,000 pound anchor that not only keeps our ships bound to the turbulent seas that some of us end up drowning in, but also keeps us from ever reaching safe harbor. As for me? My most life-altering, traumatic and darkest “secret” has still yet to be revealed by the way, because frankly, I’m just not ready to reveal it. I’m working with God directly on that one and together we will both know when it’s time for my “biggest reveal”. But in the meantime …
I can change … I can change tomorrow!
All of YOU are helping me do that and I pray that my words will help you change your own tomorrow if that’s what you need to do. Again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING ME. My best to everyone reading this … MAKE IT A POWERFUL DAY!
CHANGE TOMORROW
For the first time in years there’s a light up ahead. It’s calling. (It’s pulling me closer) Reborn within. Now I’m shedding my skin. It’s falling. (The weight off my shoulders) ‘Cause I can’t stay chained to my secrets. No, I can’t stay. I’m bound by my regrets. I can’t erase all of my errors. Those days are gone forever. I can change, I can change tomorrow. I can change, I can change tomorrow. On my knees in the rain with my head hung in shame, just crawling, stalling. (All alone in my ways) Memories I can’t erase. Faces I couldn’t face haunt me. (My life lay to waste). ‘Cause I can’t stay chained to my secrets. No, I can’t stay. I’m bound by my regrets. I need a break. It’s now or never. Yesterday’s gone forever. I can change, I can change tomorrow. I can change, I can change tomorrow. For all the years of emptiness. For all of my mistakes. For all the years I’ve thrown it all away. It’s not too late. {Like A Storm}
I was at the Social Security office today handling the business that no one ever really wants to handle: “Widowed. Meanwhile, while I was waiting for my number to be called I decided to clean out my wallet because not only was I bored out of my mind, there was no wi-fi there, so, tag, “cleaning out my wallet” was it!
So, guess what I found tucked tucked away in a space in the wallet that I didn’t realize existed? A love note from my husband that he had hidden for me to find! As shocked as I was, I wasn’t really that shocked at all. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do things like this. I have an entire treasure trove of the cards and love notes he would hide for me during our season.
For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death did us part … and EVEN beyond?
You see, that was just his way. He wanted me to know I was his queen and how grateful he was that it was I, and no one else, who gave him the love, family, and only real home he’d ever had and had been searching for all his life.
He gave me this wallet on Valentine’s Day last year, and looking back I do remember both the referenced back pain and the argument I’d had with my mom. So, he must have hidden it sometime at the end of March. My husband was, indeed, struggling at that point and slowly descending downward, but there were still very clear traces of “him” that existed. Someday, when I’m ready, I’ll go back and revisit “the descent“, but in the meantime …
Yes, I’m a warrior. Yes, I’m “a survivor”. But even warriors cry, and you know what? THAT’S OKAY! What kind of queen would I be without moments like today that I literally cry my eyes out to the point of nausea because I miss my fallen king, who lost his damn mind, and left me all alone on this throne that he gave me with a broken heart and a hurting and traumatized princess? I’d be a pretty heartless one I suppose. One thing I know for sure about myself is that my heart is bigger than the ocean. I’m an empath, to boot, so, yes, sometimes I cry. But then I wipe my tears, straighten my crown, yes, my life must go on! I’m pretty stubborn that way if you haven’t figured it out by now, and also? GOD! Just God. I know He was crying with me this afternoon, and I know he was smiling when I got right back up the way I did! “That’s my girl”, He said, and hopefully so did Zack. I am loved. Still. Always. Eternally.
LIFE MUST GO ON
Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. It only reminds you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way, but Hope is not gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal, and joy seemed to last? Yesterday. Forever is gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. It must go on. We have our misfortunes. The darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning. The promise awaits. And know that this life must go on.” {Alter Bridge}
Dear GOD, how I do love them so! They’re always so bittersweet, especially in the wake of that August 22nd, 2019 “memory” that I love to hate so much. Three years ago today, I wrote these words:
That moment you become a blubbering mess and thank GOD that you were lucky enough to bear certain crosses, because at the end of the day you may have lost some skin, but definitely ended up becoming real. And after all, isn’t “real” the only mark you want to touch the world with and the legacy you most want to leave for your children? “Please let me reach just one …”. I love you Sheyenne. To the Moon and back, always have, always will, and you will never NOT be one of “mine”. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
“Safe Inside” is a special song to me in this regard, and every time I hear it I think of every one of them – “my kids” (the ones I gave birth to and the ones who I’ve been blessed to have call me “mom”). These days when I hear it, though, it I also think of my husband, and hope that he’s finally made it safely “Home“. Although I, myself, have clearly fallen down at times in ways that some of you may never truly know, much less understand, as sick as he was at the very end, he left here having truly known “real love” as well, and for that I am equally as blessed and grateful to have been the one to make that happen for him before he had to go. In the meantime, I will not rest until I know that all the people I love in this world are “safe inside”, both physically and metaphorically.
SAFE INSIDE
I remember when you were all mine. Watched you changing in front of my eyes. What can I say? Now that I’m not the fire in the cold. Now that I’m not the hand that you hold as you’re walking away. Will you call me to tell me you’re alright? ‘Cause I worry about you the whole night. Don’t repeat my mistakes, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you’re home, I just hope that you’re sober. Is it time to let go now you’re older? Don’t leave me this way, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. Everyone has to find their own way. And I’m sure things will work out okay. Always start with the Truth. All we know is the Sun will rise. Thank your lucky stars that you’re alive. It’s a beautiful life. Oh, will you call me to tell me you’re alright? ‘Cause I worry about you the whole night. Don’t repeat my mistakes, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you’re home, I just hope that you’re sober. Is it time to let go now you’re older? Don’t leave me this way, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you make the same mistakes, I will love you either way. All I know is I can’t live without you. There is nothing I can say that will change you anyway darling, I could never live without you. I can’t live, I can’t live, no, no. {James Arthur}
… because sometimes a song is all I really need to say everything I need to say. As of the moment I’m writing this, it’s exactly five months to the day that my life took a dive into the abyss. At quarter ’til midnight, I’ll probably have that gut-punch of a flash inside my head that I still can’t seem to shake, but I know that I’ll be okay. I’ll just cycle through the gauntlet and land right back on my feet, just like I do every day, because I’m a Warrior QUEEN with a “ghost gang” of actual angels that ride or die with me always.
With that, my “186th day” prayer tonight is that everyone I love, anyone who’s life I touch, and anyone who is reading these words right now somehow reaches this divinely appointed place called “nirvana” that I have so that they never have to deep dive all alone.
IN THE DEEP
I am still as the moment I hold in my hand. I can’t let go. Here and now, time and space, the illusion so grand. And then I know every breath leads the way. My escape, it is never far when I fall in the deep with You. I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek, let it lift my heavy heart. So alive, every rise, every fall brings me back to where I must go. All that I’ll ever need is this moment to get me by when I fall in the deep. With You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. When I fall in the deep, with You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. {Alter Bridge}
Today was an important day for me, if not one of the most important decision-making days of not only my life, but my the kids’ lives as well. I won’t go into details of what exactly this decision was, but trust me when I tell you – it was a biggie! As I made the drive from home to downtown Dallas, it was a crisp, cold, insanely beautiful morning with a sky bright blue and clear. Yet, as sure that I was that the decision I was making was the right one, I spent the entire drive there talking out loud to God, my angels, my husband, and pretty much anyone “beyond here” who was listening.
I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!
I was begging for an answer,
Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?
Even after I parked and was headed into the building and up the elevator, I was reaching out to the Cosmos for, “please, just ONE little sign?” STILL CRICKETS! Even so, all was well, because I knew that Zack’s best friend, rock, truest confidant, and the only human man he ever trusted and looked to as a father in all things big or small was already there waiting waiting for me to help guide me through the process. Just his presence alone was enough to set me completely at ease.
When I finally made it to the office where the woman I was meeting with was waiting, I sat down beside Rick and the fun began. By the second hour in, our partnership had commenced, at which point Rick had to leave. Research was being done, calls were being made, and forms being prepared for my signature while I just sat there patiently in my chair watching all the magic. This woman was was literally planning not just my future, but my childrens’.
Meanwhile, as I was gazing around her office at all the “things“, it felt as though I was in my very own world. Then, as I glanced over to a table with a vignette of personal pictures and trinkets she had on display, it happened! The sign I had BEGGED “Them” to show me all but dropped right down from Heaven!A little silver frog with a crown on his head was sitting right before my eyes! I almost came out of my skin! And just like that I was yet again reminded that this God I serve is so faithful.
Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?”
No, Papa, You don’t. You’ve been making a believer out of me since I first realized I was broken, and while I’ve clearly known this all the while, this moment between us was unbelievable. You just keep showing me … and showing UP for me … in all things big and small. I want You to know that I’m thankful for ALL OF THIS, and I know You’re planning to use it for Your glory. Thank you for never letting me down and never letting me go. I love You.
IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES
You say you fell out of love with no place to stand. You say your heart’s on the mend from a broken romance. You say you don’t want to trust because it hurts too much. And you think I’d never understand. Tell me what have I got to do to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You say, you don’t need my love but I know it’s a lie. You say I shouldn’t even try. Tell me what have I got to lose to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You need me to turn the tide of your ocean. Let me set your heart back into motion. {Clay Crosse}
Gia and I watched “The Shack” again last night, which by the way, if you haven’t seen it, I cannot recommend it enough.
It’s the fictional fictional story of an abominable if not unforgivable tragedy that causes a father to sink into a deep depression and question everything about his faith until he receives a mysterious letter that insights his journey to “a shack” that reignites his bludgeoned soul back to The Truth.
When it first hit the box office in March of 2017, Zack, Gia, Christian, and I went to see it together. I had already read the book when I was at The Meadows, and then again on one of my scoots up to Kansas, but when I heard about the movie release, I immediately bought our tickets, because I needed them all to see it.
It was a powerful night for the four of us as a family, and like many others in the theatre that night, we all just sat silently in tears until well after the lights came on and the clean-up crew started their sweep. It seemed to hit Christian the hardest, and at one point, the other three of us were huddled around him in his seat just holding him as he was literally crying his eyes out.
Meanwhile, one of the most powerful parts of the movie for me was a song I love called “Stars”, by Skillet. It’s about the blind faith of a true believer who trusts that God is in control of everything. That’s me … hands down … without question, hesitation, or doubt.
Those who know me well know that I’m a gamut of emotions that often mimic a gauntlet. I can be kind and loving, empathetic and caring, and fiercely protective of those who are in my bubble. I can also be a raging, angry, LUNATIC of a bitch with a vicious tongue that will take you to your knees if you’re the one facing the truth in my words. I will and have forgiven anyone“human” 200% of the time, but never shall I forget those who’ve hurt me or mine.
My point in all this being that although I can appear extremely dark at times, and as God Himself is my witness, I live, breathe, and will die by the message of Hope in this song. So, please don’t let my dark side poke holes in the truth of my testimony. At the end of the day, I’m still just a broken person who wants to live a life of use to othersand is trying her best to be as “Light” as possible under any circumstance.
If you are struggling in the darkness with brokenness, depression, or a shaky faith of your own, please listen to the words of this song. God may have His hands full with all the big stuff … BUT … He does know who you are. He does know your name. He does bear your pain. He does cry when you cry. And please don’t forget to let yourself cry as my son did in that theater as often as necessary so that you can release any internalized pain that’s keeping you from taking flight:
By the way, it’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s certainly okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s such a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest: JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept. CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream out loud! Do whatever you must to let yourself feel everything that has hurt you so you can finally let it go!
Look at me, people! Shouldn’t I be curled up in a ball right now in the aftermath of what happened 180 days ago? Been there. Done that. I’ve run off and hid in “my shack” way too many times to count, but He comes looking for me EVERY time!! He always has and always will, and that, my friends, is The Truth.
In the meantime, I’ll just keep looking to the stars and praying that the king of my heart who was never able to resolve the pain that had been devouring him for the entirety of his life has been given an even better set of wings and THE best Guide of all to lead him to his shack in Heaven.
STARS
You spoke a word and life began. Told oceans where to start and where to end. You set in motion time and space. But still You come, and You call to me by name. But still You come, and You call to me by name. If You can hold the stars in place, You can hold my heart the same. Whenever I fall away. Whenever I start to break. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. The deepest depths, the darkest nights. Can’t separate, can’t keep me from Your sight. I get so lost, forget my way. But still, You love and You don’t forget my name. If You can hold the stars in place, You can hold my heart the same. Whenever I fall away. Whenever I start to break. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. If You can calm the raging sea, You can calm the storm in me. You’re never too far away. You never show up too late. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. Your love has called my name. What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear? Your love has called my name. What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear? {Skillet}
Her opinion of me is all that matters. Thank God I have this rising phoenix of a daughter to reinforce this truth when life and the careless and clueless people in it try to make me feel like anything less than who I am …
My well-intended and MUCH needed family time on a rare occasion tonight when I could have ALL of my tribe together in one space ended up going down in flames after some abhorrently selfish FORMER “friends” turned clients said these less than impeccable words to me:
You DO KNOW that when you CHOSE to become a real estate agent that THIS is the life you signed up for, don’t you? You need to be working 24/7, nights AND weekends. OUR best interest should come before your own.
(“Anthony & Diane Massa”)
Then, out of the blue, this text from the Mona Lisa showed up and changed everything. She’s right! Zack did used to say, “real estate shouldn’t make you cry”. After reading what she wrote, I actually “heard” him saying it.
I really am Wonder Woman! I am awesome at my job! I do work 24/7, weekdays AND nights, even more so now that I’m a widowed, single mom, and “the man of the house”. I knew exactly what I signed up for when I became a real estate agent, so, ZERO devaluation of me as a person or professional shall there be! It’s unacceptable, gross, and never will I allow someone to speak to me that way again!
With that, I will pick my face up off the ground and start fresh again in the morning. As I lay my head down tonight, though, I am mindful of this most important fact: My kids’ opinions of me is all that matters! Well, their opinions of me and mine! Leave it to a child to fill my empty cup back up with water.
These former “friends” could take a good lesson in how to be impeccable with their Jean-Claude Van DAMN shitty “toy guns“. With that, I drop the words to yet another one of my favorite songs to my beautiful children, who are, indeed, “my reasons”:
I’m not a perfect person. There’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so, I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new … and the reason is you! I’m sorry that I hurt you. It’s something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through … I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears.
First of all, I am sorry that you are struggling this way. And if you truly have no other resources, there are two things I can suggest: Music; “Open forums” such as this. I believe that finding and listening to ALL types of music can often help a person get to the root of what is really eating them up inside and then maybe even empower them to rise above all of it. Music is a way of singing to yourself, saying “love words and thoughts” to yourself, and hey, in certain cases, even SCREAMING TO YOURSELF (and other people or relationships in your life that you may be struggling on the inside but don’t feel comfortable enough to say certain things “out loud or to their face”). Second, these “open forums”, such as Quora, are indeed a good resource. Keep looking for the answers you are searching here and you will perhaps find that not only are you not as alone as you may have originally thought, but, that the vast majority of the population does truly care anout one another and wants to see others stick around. We all need one another … even a bunch of random strangers such as “here”. Take care of yourself friend. Keep the faith. Chin up. You are worth so much more than anything less than the very best thoughts and acts of kindness for YOU!
You’re a sweet little cat just trying to take a nap, just minding your own business and doing “a thing” that makes absolute makes purrfect sense to you. After all, it is the quietest room in a houseful of constant chaos that you often enjoy and participate in, which is why you’re just trying to take the nap.
Meanwhile …
As you hop up on to your favorite spot, you notice that the crazy lady you live with who calls herself your “Ma” has put another bed on your bed, for what reason you just can’t fathom. So, you lay down beside it, and not inside it, because you like the bed under the bed on the bed just fine. Ahh! As you’re just about to drift off, you’re startled by the sound of the crazy lady snapping your picture and chirping in a high-pitched voice:
What are you doing, Good Cat, you silly little girl? Didn’t you see the cozy bed I put there for you to lay in, since I know it’s you’re your favorite spot in the house to nap? Why are you lying BESIDE it and not IN it?
Yes, Ma, I did see the cozy bed that you put here for me to lay in, and while I do so appreciate the gesture, I just want to lay in MY spot, the way I ALWAYS HAVE and ALWAYS WILL, unless or until I decide NOT to do! So, can I please just take my nap now?
LET’S ALL BE LIKE GOOD CAT!
If “the thing” you’re doing works for you and isn’t hurting anyone else, NEVER CHANGE IT unless YOU decide to change it … NOT because someone who thinks they know what’s best for you tries to make you. It’s called autonomy people! We’re entitled to live our lives in the manner that WE decide is best, even if “our thing” makes people uncomfortable.
You know what they say about advice and opinions, right? They’re like assholes, ’cause everybody has them! We ALL get a vote! We ALL get a journey! We ALL get to choose the bed we wanna lay in … good, bad, or somewhere in between … even if that bed makes no sense to anyone.
As for me and Good Cat? Although my heart was in the VERY right place today, THIS Momma Cat needed to stay in her own damn lane and let the princess take her ‘lil cat nap where she wanted to!
What’s great about this “love song” is that you can sing it to yourself whenever you need reminding to never change who you are for the sake of someone else unless you want to. If you’relucky enough to be surrounded by people who love you as you are, be thankful. Not everyone is selfless enough to be allow others to be themselves in their world.
Been there! Done that!
I’ve slept on both sides of this bed. Despite his imperfections and the wretched way he left us, never once during our season did he force or even ask me to change. He loved me as I was, “good Cat, bad Cat, and everywhere in between”, regardless of whether “my things” made sense, and just look who I’ve become!
Now, go take a nap wherever you damn well please, and never change (unless YOU want to)! Someday, someone brave is gonna say a thousand beautiful things about all the ways they feel about you and why “the things” you do made them fall in love with the “island of you”!
NEVER CHANGE
There’s a thousand things I’ve wanted to say but I’ve never been brave. No, I’ve never been brave. And you deserve the whole world. An island to yourself. You’re an island in yourself. And I think its time that I tell you how I feel. This is how I feel. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change, baby. Stay the same, lady. Did I know for so long? Never change. There’s a hundred places I’ve wanted to see. Would you see them with me? Would you see them with me? And I don’t care where we go ”cause you are home. You are my home. And we can stay in cheap hotels. Lets just pay to entertain ourselves. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I know for so long l? And I’m your man; hear me scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change. And I will take you with me everywhere I go. Pack your bags and leave it baby. I want you to know that loving you is easy. I thought I’d tell you so. And I want you to know: Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? And I’m your man. Hear me Scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change.” {Picture This}
The Diary Of My Perfection 