DECEMBER 25, 2021: “The GIFT Tag” …

December 25, 2021April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I had no idea how I’d memorialize this holiday when I woke up today, until, that is, I’d grabbed a few things from my gift-wrapping stash to dress up a few last presents. THEN IT HAPPENED! In case you didn’t know, I’m a huge proponent of recycling seemingly useless things that some people would throw away, especially inasmuch as I very much consider my life to be a repurposed work of art. Now that I think of it, it’s all the recycled and repurposed people I’ve crossed paths with thus far who’ve found their way closest to my heart. Meanwhile, and as such, each year after Santapalooza is over and the ground below the tree is buried in crumpled up paper, ribbons, bows, and tags, it’s not at all uncommon to find me rooting through the aftermath like a packrat for bits and pieces of anything that can be used again next season.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I reached into my “‘little drawer of tags” only to find this one from the very last Christmas present Gia would ever give Zack on his last one with us in 2018. Although it’s true that he took endless pieces of my heart with him when he left, as I sit here writing this, I am staring at a tag that in a perfect world would have been hanging on a gift for him, and I’m smiling from ear to ear.

I cannot tell you how many times I wandered back to where I’d left it this morning, picked it up, and literally held it to my heart, because this silly little thing means that he was here with us in the first place. I will cherish this unexpected treasure for as long as I’m alive and eventually pass it back to Gia, who I know will also cherish it for the same exact reasons I do. Despite all the pain, heartache, and sorrow he brought into our world at the end, the decade that proceeded his insanity that we had him whole and healthy was one of the greatest gifts of our lives.

If there is just one wisdom that I’ve acquired on my journey thus far that I could “gift” to all of you, it’s that grieving the deaths of the people we’ve loved and lost is one of the highest honors and utmost triumphs of our existence. To have loved and been loved by those we were connected to enough to grieve is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. The truth of the matter is that when we get to the very end of the road with those we’ve loved and lost, the only “gifts” that will have really mattered is knowing that that WE HAD THEM and THEY HAD US! The abundance of true joy that I’m feeling right now is proof positive of what I’ve long known to be true, that “Death Is Nothing At All” and I am still the most blessed living queen that has ever reigned on this Earth.

Said goodbye, turned around, and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun – slipped away. But I won’t cry, ’cause I know I’ll never be lonely, for you are the stars to me. You are the light I follow.

Merry Christmas to all you beautiful people who took the time to read this Diary entry. If, like me, you celebrated Jesus’s birthday with a person missing from your table, know that they’re saving you a seat at the table where we will dine with our Lord and Savior eternally. Until that day comes, try and remember that although the bodies that packaged their souls were only ever meant for us to borrow, the precious love and memories they left behind are ours to keep forever. Just as this tag found it’s way back to me in the unexpected way that it did, someday those borrowed gifts we had to give back will find there way back to us when we finally get to see them again.

DECEMBER 19, 2021: “NO! The Defense Is WRONG!” …

December 19, 2021March 28, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

This Diary entry doesn’t need much interpretation, as the definitions of “history” and “insanity” were not only verified and researched via the internet and Albert Einstein, they kinda speak for themselves. So, I heretofore encourage you to throw that old adage in the garbage immediately and replace it with this new and improved old adage:

History

does NOT

repeat itself!

WE DO!

What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing! So, let’s stop questioning our own sanity, or better yet, stop being insane in the first place by repeat offending with our same mistakes, choices, and behaviors. If, by definition, “history is the study of the past, particularly in human affairs”, then by choosing not to make different choices, we have failed miserably in our life studies.

Lookit, not everyone can be a genius like the illustrious Albert Einstein, but we can at least not be frigging IDIOTS! There is no defense to the “situational insanity” that many of us choose to live in by choosing not to make different choices. So, with that, in the words of one of my favorite movie characters EVER …

REPEAT OFFENDER

Where do I turn? I’m always questioning my own sanity. Will I ever learn? I have always stolen my identity. Anyone forgive – anyone forget. I don’t want a life without respect – life without respect. Feel there is nowhere that I fit – nowhere that I fit. I am a repeat offender. I will live with this forever. I am a repeat offender. I am a repeat offender! You have my word – there are only lies in my sincerity. I live in a world that gives no meaning to integrity. Anyone forgive – anyone forget. I don’t want a life without respect – life without respect. Feel there is nowhere that I fit – nowhere that I fit. I am a repeat offender. I will live with this forever. I am a repeat offender. I am a repeat offender! Someone take these handcuffs off my wrists and break the chain of habit! Someone take these handcuffs off my wrists and break the chain of habit! I don’t want to life without respect. {Trapt}

DECEMBER 18, 2021: “The Panic Chair” …

December 18, 2021December 14, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yes, my friends, it was a “Panic Chair” kinda night for me:

If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side (one of my favorite movies ever), you know exactly what I’m talking about. It was that moment when she found out that Michael had never had a bed of his own and became flooded with emotions she didn’t want him to see. She went to her room, sat quietly in her chair, and just “allow” herself” to cry for a minute. For all her endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care and space were necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing “this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions, I’d disappear into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for the umteenth time in our season together, he finally pointed it out: ‘You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.’

{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

“The Panic Chair“

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat in this chair and had a good cry while saying to myself, “I can’t do this anymore”, only to stand back up, wipe my own tears, and keep on doing it. At the end of the day, drowning is NOT an option when you’re a mother, so, TAG, the chair is it! It’s one of the safest places for me to hold space for and collect myself.

DECEMBER 14, 2021: “The Christianwolf” …

December 14, 2021April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful son, the one we now call “The Christianwolf”. He’s a college graduate, a self-taught machinist and racing engine builder, the first prince to have ever stolen my heart, and yes, he is also a model. I couldn’t be any prouder of this guy who’s usually covered in transmission fluid and engine grease from head to toe, but Jean Claude Van DAMNIT he sure cleans up nice!

I love you kiddo …

… “To The Moon And Back”!

“BMITW”

DECEMBER 10, 2021: “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough!” …

December 10, 2021March 29, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

This Diary entry wasn’t planned for today, yet here I am writing it at just before midnight. You see, I’d been lounging around in my pajamas all day (well at least that was the plan), and by “lounging” I mean I was taking a three-minute break from my hell-bent FURY to finish the “Christmasing” of Williamson Manor. “SURPRISE! Mommy Christmased!” is one of her favorite days of each year, and since she’d been at her dad’s for a few days I’d decided it was NOW or never! I’m not gonna lie, I usually start this gig the week before Thanksgiving, so at this stage in the game I’m, like, three weeks behind, so a three-minute nap it was! Never the worry, though, because once I’m finally finished, I’ll be keeping this place decked out in lights and trimmings until probably the middle of March. Wow! Did I digress already? Go figure!

Meanwhile, it was half past noon when I finally sat down to have my second cup of coffee and prop up my hooves for a minute. Gone are the days of my energy and youth when I could transform the castle into North Pole 2.0 in the 24-hour Mrs. Clause Of It All streaks of the past. These days, “Christmasing” is now a week-long, somewhat harrowing event that literally breaks my back. Now, instead of pushing myself to whip up a holiday extravaganza with a magic wand I no longer have, I opt to take my time and just,

Do a little today. Do a little tomorrow. OMG, I need to rest for a minute! OMG, I’m about to pass out! OMG, I need some more coffee! OMG, I keep getting distracted! OMG, what’s on TV? OMG, I have something to blog! OMG, WHY DOES IT TAKE ME SIX DAYS TO WHIP THIS HOUSE INTO WINTER WONDERLAND?”

OMG I’ve digressed AGAIN!

The next thing I know, a text arrives from the princess. “Hey momma” is always a cue that she’s either about to ask me for something or tell me that she needs me for something very important. Trust me when I tell you that because my Mona Lisa is even more resilient and independent than her dear old phoenix of a mom could ever dream to be, she isn’t one to ask for much unless she really has no other choice. Keep in mind, too, that she’s not one to complain about anything that’s physically ailing her unless or until she’s all but keeling over, so when she says the words “it’s hurting really bad”, that means that something truly is “hurting her really bad”.

Truth be told, she hadn’t even finished sending the second and third parts of her text message before I was already headed to my closet to get my purse and keys. I was literally at her school parking lot less than 30 minutes later dressed to the nines in my rattiest Christmas pajamas and favorite little falling apart slippers with duct tape patching a hole on one of the bottoms.

My point in all this being …

How blessed am I to be in this place where virtually everything I do is not only because of her, but fully revolved around and for her? My fortunate position in life is never lost on me, and there isn’t a moment that passes by that I am not aware of the fact that not every widowed single mom is afforded this luxury. As I was speeding to the school in my pajamas and slippers, I was literally, and not metaphorically, thanking the king profusely for having taken care not leave us in any more of a mess than he did at the onset of his leaving and making damn good and sure that his many wishes for not just her, but me, as her mother, as well, would remain true even in his absence. Be I any other widow on any other day, I may not have been able to just drop EVERYTHING, hop in my beautiful car, and focus on my daughter full-time, and have a single care in the world otherwise.

I know, I know! If you’ve been around this Diary enough, you’ve already heard me say it before, but please let me say it again … I am truly the most blessed living queen on the face of this planet, God’s favorite daughter, and one very extremely lucky woman. It’s days like today that only deepen my propensity to not only honor, but revel in only the best parts of his legacy and leave out all the rest.

DECEMBER 9, 2021: “The Sea Of Madness” …

December 9, 2021October 16, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, the burning question was this:

Who is making the world crazy sometimes? Why is it so?

Umm, HELLO? It’s HUMAN BEINGS who make the world so fuckin’ crazy at times! See, also, these poignant and powerful lyrics to one of my lifetime favorite songs by one of my lifetime favorite bands:

Out in the street somebody’s crying. Out in the night the fires burn. Maybe tonight somebody’s crying – reached the point of no return. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. Like the eagle and the dove, fly so high on wings above when all you see can only bring you sadness. Like a river we will flow. On towards the sea we go when all you do can only bring you sadness out on the sea of madness. Somewhere I hear a voice that’s calling. Out in the dark there burns a dream. You got to hope when you are falling to find the world that you have seen. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. It’s madness! The sun don’t shine out the sea of madness. There ain’t no wind to fill your sails. Madness!

It’s the darkest, most twisted, and tragic truth of all. This world we live in can, indeed, drive even the best us to literal insanity. The best that we can do is just “the best that we can do” while trying to keep our mind and not our eyes focused on what lies beyond the vail.

Let’s be honest people – humanity is not for the faint of heart, and only the strongest survive it relatively unscathed with their heart and soul in the one cohesive unit from whence they first began. Don’t get me wrong, the hope is still very much here, it’s just this fucking WORLD and all the people in it that destroy our vision of eternity and desecrate our spirit.

I keep my mind’s eye focused on The Cross to keep from drowning in the sea of madness. These days, I see myself as an actual risen phoenix ever soaring above it all. My gravity defying steel wings may be invisible, but trust me when I say they’re behind me. I’m forged of fire and Light and power and grace, all of which are impermeable and infinite.

As and aside, I find it no coincidence that the day I saw this question posed on Quora, I had just spent the morning drive to school with my daughter listening to this song, because that’s how my beautiful life works. I was explaining to her how when I was just about her age and first stumbled upon this song, every time I’d listen to it I would literally close my eyes and imagine that I was an albatross flying high above the sea. Then, she stopped me:

No, momma, you are NOT an albatross. You’re something so much better than an albatross.

Little did she know that not two minutes after she got out of the car, I had to pull into a parking lot near her school to contemplate the magnitude of what she’d said. Based upon the fact that after she’d spoken those beautiful words I was immediately flooded with emotions, I knew I needed to stop and sit with my thoughts so that perhaps they’d come full circle. So, I googled the word “albatross” and this is something I found:

If you describe something or someone as an albatross around your neck, you mean that they cause you great problems from which you cannot escape, or they prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Wow! Just WOW! When I think of all those years gone by that I’d pictured myself as that spectacular bird just soaring across the open water, I’m astonished. Up until today, it was a correlation that I was proud of, but how could I have been so wrong? Although an albatross is, indeed, a formidable creature, it’s life isn’t exactly the stuff of dreams. Sure, they can ride the wind for hours on end with neither rest nor flap of wing, and can go years without ever touching solid ground, but they’re also very lonely, constantly in a state of survival, and never really find a stable home.

Truth being told, I suppose that I really was an albatross for too many years to count. Perhaps that’s why I never realized that such connotation about myself was negative. Even more truth being told, in so many ways, I used to be the albatross around my own neck. Until I found a better set of wings, I’m the one who prevented me from doing all of the things I wanted to do.

That was then, this is now, and good GRIEF was my daughter right when she said I was “something so much better than an albatross”. I’m a fucking risen QUEEN, my wings are made of FIRE, and although my “phoenixing above all this madness” does keep me afloat more so than not, my metaphorical feet are always on the ground now at the place where I call home: ME.

DECEMBER 5, 2021: “The V Word” …

December 5, 2021May 10, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I completely understand what you are saying my friend, I’ve been where you are. Even to this day, I am a “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” UNVALIDATED child of parents who refuse to “hear or see me”. But guess what? THOSE DAYS ARE GONE NOW, because as hopefully you yourself know by now, it is job number ONE of an unvalidated child turned adult to be reparent yourself, REVALIDATE yourself, and then keep doing it over, and over, and over again. It is unclear by the title of this question whether you are referring to “children” you may have one day, or “children” you already have. In either case, always remember:

THE HAMMER DROPS WITH YOU!

If and when you are ever faced with a scenario wherein you don’t feel as though you are validating your children’s feelings, close your eyes and picture yourself as a child at the age that they are in that moment and remember how it felt to be you. It is probably obvious to anyone reading your question that you are clearly aware of this “issue” you’ve had in your own past and desperately don’t want to repeat your family’s history. Not only is that admirable, but it’s MORE than half the steps you need to keep going in the parenting direction you want to go. Look, I’m not generally a huge fan of “looking back” at the past, because, THE PAST IS DONE AND OVER! That being said, there are certain instances when our hindsight really is “20/20” – especially when it comes to our own children. I wish you well in your parenting venture my friend. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart, and sadly not enough people doing it are actively breaking those SICK familial gifts that just keep on giving.

{“The Real Cat Williamson On Quora“}

DECEMBER 5, 2021: “Just Take The Damn Trip!” …

December 5, 2021January 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

I have had the extremely good fortune and pleasure of having traveled both completely alone and with Zachariah. I was so beyond blessed that making sure both Gia and I had as many adventures as possible was always amongst his top priorities.

While traveling with someone is almost always preferable, the times I’ve traveled solo have been some of the most exuberant and healing times of my life. I believe that traveling alone is one of the best forms of self-love, care, confidence, esteem, and “mental wealth” building there is. That doesn’t just apply to leisure travel either, it applies to traveling in life as well. For me, “alone, NOT lonely” is the benchmark of human achievement.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past that I was enmeshed in a twisted, suffocative, and toxic familial system wherein autonomy and freedom were not only frowned upon, but punished. Those were my “Venom suit days”, and I wore that web of farce on my soul for far too many years. That fucking thing almost sent me to an early grave:

“The suit”, however, does to me represent the dark alter ego of Spider-Man. It’s a thick, black, suffocative web of enmeshed and entangled emotions that overtakes and chokes the life out of its host, much like the one I fought so desperately to get the HELL off of me for more than forty years, the one my son still wears, and the one my beautiful husband was wearing as he slipped away into the abyss. “The Greatest Battle Lies Within” and the accompanying “Venom of it all” are so much more than words and comic book movie characters to me.

{“Closer To The Heart ”}

It took my running away to France to finally begin shedding that God-forsaken suit and realize that what I needed most was to find a way back to ME. I wanted to stay alive, live a REAL life I could be proud of, and be a healthier mom for my kids. Keep in mind that although I wasn’t physically alone on that trip, I was metaphorically alone. Until then, I’d been trapped inside a mental prison where although my body was present, “I” was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, fast forward to just a handful of rocky months after coming home from France when I was really “all alone” out there on the open road for what ended up being one of the richest experiences of my life:

I spent so many days and nights alone on the open road just driving, crying, laughing, talking to myself and God. I’d stop in as many small towns as I could along the way in the quietest corners of “anywhere but home”, find a quaint cafe, then just sit with some coffee and listen, observe, and absorb as many “outside my bubble” experiences as possible. That job was one of the best things I’ve ever done, and I swear I wouldn’t be here right now if not for it.

{“No Reins“}

One of the most stellar men that has ever lived really hit the nail hard when he said:

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.

{Muhammad Ali}

With that, if the views of the world that I’ve been wise enough to amass in my many travels thus far have taught me anything, it’s that as separated as I was from myself during what I thought were only wasted years, the only person who was ever going to be able put “me and me” back together was ME.

Now that I’ve rejoined myself and am embracing my punctuated soul, I refuse to waste a single one of my days left here in this space not living every one my dreams in these hard-earned “Golden Years” of mine. Trust me when I say that I’m gonna do, see, and experience ALL of it, from the abandoned castles and cobblestone villages to the sleepy little seaside towns with the lighthouses calling me through the fog in the distance. Whether I’m on my own, with my children, or with that one last king who might be waiting for me out there, this precious life is too short not to take all those trips, however I’m meant to take them.

So, with that, I now challenge all of you: If there’s “some place” you’ve been meaning to go in this life, but are perhaps just waiting for someone to go with you … JUST TAKE THE DAMN TRIP! It’s allowed. You’ll never know the true joy and pleasure how it feels to be that fucking brave and connected to yourself unless and until you just do it!

C’est la vie!

For the record, this song that has earned a third appearance in my Diary:

Ewwe! No way, Cat! Iron Maiden? Really? They’re a little too much, dontcha think?

Hey, don’t knock ’em ’til you’ve tried ’em. Just listen to the words, please. They’re as beautiful, well-traveled, and courageous as your soul is beckoning you to be. Few are the songs of my life that can instantly reduce me to the most beautifully cathartic tears as this one. Every time I hear it, my heart literally wants to flutter out of my skin. Just sayin’.

WASTED YEARS

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas. I’m travelin’ on far and wide. But now it seems I’m just a stranger to myself, and all the things I sometimes do – it isn’t me but someone else. I close my eyes and I think of home. Another city goes by in the night. Ain’t it funny how it is? You never miss it til’ it’s gone away. And my heart is lying there, and will be ’til my dying day. So, understand! Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up! Make your stand and realize you’re living in the golden years. Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind. Can’t ease this pain so easily. When you can’t find the words to say, hard to make it through another day, and it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky. So understand! Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. {Iron Maiden}

DECEMBER 1, 2021: “UNO Momento Por Favor!” …

December 1, 2021January 4, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

So here’s a fun idea for all of you “social media trendy” wives out there …

How about instead of just, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun!” poking at what an epic disappointment your broke ass, one-abbed “frog” gone wrong” of a husband is, maybe you should just start posting pics of his umm, YOU KNOW, “little guy”, too?

EMASCULATION!

It’s what’s for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and it’s gross, aaand I’m certain that if a buncha “Tik-Tok” husbands out there doing the “for the sake of likes and clicks” dealio got together and started another VIRAL trend where they show the whole entire world, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun – but just look what a lazy, smelly, PIG the sweet little princess I thought I was marrying turned out to be!”, there’d be some damn “Tik-Tok” hate crimes and murders.

Umm, so here’s another “dealio” – I hate to tell ya, but behind every “joke” there IS a bit of truth. I know it. You know it. THE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ WORLD KNOWS IT! The new friend and social media influencer I’m now following, Man Elik, smashed this nail right on the head. Women, we do SUCK as much as men, and yes, we CAN be as toxic in more than a million different ways. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!
{Mama’s Boys}

Sorry, NOT sorry, but ours are the arms that were meant to embrace the world, up to and even more so including the men that BUILD IT for us. Sorry, NOT sorry once again. Lemme ask you this: So, when’s the last time you drove by a construction site, road crew, or farm that was chock full of women? Nope! I’m not even sitting here trying to say that never in the history of the world has there been a construction site, road crew, or FARM without a “Rosie The Riveter” blood, sweat and tears WOMAN working on it. But don’t be foolish, ladies, we COULD NOT live without them, that’s the Jean Claude Van DAMN fucking hard truth, and NOPE, we are NOT “their equals”. Sorry ’boutcha!

Let’s all just “normalize” emasculation!

Yah! That’ll be fun! By the way, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’M AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ABUSER! I don’t think ANYONE – man OR woman – should be throwing their one-abbed spouses under the marriage joke bus. But hey, what do I know, right? My GOSH, people, it’s hard enough for anyone out there to fight the good and valiant fight when the world at large just wants to rip the people livin’ in it apart. C’mon ladies, indeed it is true that if you don’t “crown” him, pick him up and value him, who else in this jacked up world will? PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Marriage is hard. Being a HUMAN is hard.

Ha ha! Hee hee! My husband is one FAT fuck of a disappointing failure! Oh, but no! I’m just kidding! I’m only doing this for LIKES and CLICKS, so, it’s okay to bitch slap him just for fun!

Umm? GROSS!

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m only ever here to keep it REAL. Some things are funny. Some things are not. Love me or hate me and call me the party poopin’ FUN POLICE, but SOME things just ain’t right! Publicly shaming and disrespecting your FAT and BROKE spouse is one of them!

NOVEMBER 30, 2021: “Bad Seeds And Rotten Apples” …

November 30, 2021November 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

I mean, seriously? What the Jean-Claude Van DAMN actual FUCK? Whereas I would say that my mouth just hit the FLOORA, rather I shall say my mouth just hit the QUORA!

NOTHING defines a “bad kid“, except, that is, for the TOXIC ADULTS who refer to any kid as “BAD”! So, let’s have a looksie at the vast and powerful differences between two seemingly simple words that are all too often are simply tossed into the dirt like so many poisonous seeds with absolutely no caution to the wind whatsoever …

“BAD” v. “GOOD”

DIDJA GET THAT, PEOPLE? If not, just go back and read the definition of “BAD” over and over and OVER until you’ve hammered it into your skull!

When a parent, caretaker, or any adult refers to a child as “bad”, they are, by definition, saying that child is of poor quality, a low standard, or otherwise inferior, second-rate, unpleasant, disagreeable, and UNWELCOME! Generally speaking, when someone hears that something is “BAD”, it’s almost always a negative connotation, except, of course, when something is “bad to the bone” or cool!

Oh, don’t get me wrong; children can be difficult. THIS I KNOW TOO WELL! Lol. Unless you really know me or had the privilege of knowing me as a child, what you don’t know is that I was told incessantly that I was, indeed, DIFFICULT! But, umm, have ya met any “adults” since you’ve been one? The last time I checked, human beings in general can be “difficult”! Are there “bad behaviors” and “bad choices”? Umm, YAH! You know, kinda like the bad behavior of the sixteen and counting dumb as ass ASSES who went to great lengths trying to quantify “what defines a BAD kid” in answer to that Godforsaken question!

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS!

Oh, and don’t think for one second that just because you don’t refer to your child as “BAD” either directly to them or within their earshot that they don’t know exactly what think about them. Not only do some actions speak much, much louder than words, kids aren’t as oblivious as you think they are, and they’re usually always listening!

Look, I’m certainly no doctor, but I am an adult survivor of one of the most challenging mental illnesses in “the book” (Lol, yes, there is “a book“). As such, I have spent more than my fair share of “time in the chair” with doctors and mental health professionals trying to reconnect the broken transmitters in my formerly jacked up fucking psyche. More so than that, during my various periods of hospitalization and group therapy settings, I have personally known an entire army of equally dismantled adults whose “insanities” almost always rooted back to the toxic words and labels bestowed to them by the “adults” in their childhood lives. My point being that I know all too painfully well what a heaping pile of BULLSHIT these words are:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Umm, yes,

YES THEY CAN!

Not only can words most definitely hurt you, they can also unwire the original hardwiring you came packaged with the day you were born. Unless there are specific genetic or chromosomal issues that were somehow developed in utero, babies aren’t “born” with broken minds. IT’S THE WORLD THAT FUCKING BREAKS THEM, and nine times out of ten, that destruction originates with the adults in their early lives and their abysmally negative WORDS! Just as positive words can elevate a child’s cognitive development and brain function, negative words can destroy and misdirect healthy cognitive development and brain function! So, with that, unless you are evil (and YES there are purely EVIL “parent things” out there), YOU CAN DO BETTER!

BAD SEED

I didn’t give up the fight – I gave up on what’s right – everything I should’ve believed. I don’t care about the warnings, just who I’ve become. You swore that I wouldn’t succeed. I know that you’re wrong! Insanity embraces me – it’s what I chose and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I won’t deny, deny, the Sun never shines. It always rains on me. I can’t deny, deny, that I’ve never tried. No honor amongst us thieves. Inside, inside – I try to survive, strangled by the waste. You can’t deny, deny, that I never tried. It’s always been on me. I’m just a bad seed. I’m just a bad seed. I’M JUST A BAD SEED! I gave up on the Light – I gave into the night – I never knew how much I could bleed. When it’s all said and done, I still stuck to my guns, I always knew what I couldn’t take. Even if I’m wrong – HONESTY IS EVERYTHING – it’s what I know and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I’M JUST A BAD SEED! {Five Finger Death Punch}

NOVEMBER 26, 2021: “The Zephyr In Their Sky!” …

November 26, 2021July 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Although I’ve had the awful displeasure of watching a handful of the human souls I’ve been the most connected dying right before my eyes, not the least of which was my daughter, perhaps the saddest and most painful moment of my life was the day my two surviving children had to watch their own mother having an actual nervous breakdown and being hauled off to a psych ward over a thousand miles from home:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

{“Speaking Of Faith And Crowns“}

Even now, as resilient as I’ve truly become, when I flash back to “the day on the driveway” and remember everything they had to see, it breaks my heart all over again knowing how their hearts got broken going through that kind of trauma. No child should ever have to witness such a thing!

That being said, and regardless of how horrifying so many of the moments in all our lives have been, I wouldn’t change a single step of this dance we’ve been sashaying through. Through it all, I can only hope that they’ll have learned that the pain has been a gift, death is nothing at all, and that win, lose, or draw, they’re gonna be okay because they had ME for a mother!

I’m an epic masterpiece of magnanimous proportion, and after I’ve made it to The Brighter Side Of Grey, both they and their kids are gonna look back at this painting I’ve been faithfully working on and say,

DAMN! She was OUR mom! She was nothing short of magic, because despite her many circumstances, she rose up like a phoenix to spread her light, love, truths, and the warmth from the fire in in her soul.

Then, I’ll be that soft breeze that brushes their cheeks and whispers hope into their ears, and every ray of light that sparkles in their eyes as they bask in the legacy I’m working on. I’ll be their Crazy Grandma Cat whose higher purpose was to change everything for our tree.

Oh, don’t you worry my friends, despite the seemingly macabre tone of this entry, I’m not planning to go anywhere soon. Although it is true that I’m fully prepared for what I know is coming next, I’m in love with my existence in this space and still have much to do. I’m just thinking out loud right now, because this song I’ve loved since I was not quite 30 years old found it’s way to the cue on my stereo this morning. Back then, it was just a song to me with a vibrant mood, and never in a million years would I have thought that I’d be the ray of light in those words. Well, here I am lighting it all up from my very own little piece of Heaven from here until eternity. I am SUCH a lucky woman and I cannot say it enough. I am power, grace, and a divinely appointed apostrophe punctuating peoples’ lives with my glow. I will never be ashamed of all the pain that I have carried – it’s what forged me into the steel fortress that I am.

RAY OF LIGHT

Zephyr in the sky at night – I wonder – do my tears of mourning sink beneath the Sun? She’s got herself a universe gone quickly. For the call of thunder threatens everyone. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Faster than the speed of light – she’s flying – trying to remember where it all began. She’s got herself a little piece of Heaven, waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light – then gone – for Someone else will be there. {Madonna}

NOVEMBER 25, 2021: “The Gauntlet” …

November 25, 2021April 21, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because sometimes you have to choose to protect your own “mental wealth” over showing up at the obligatory NOT so “family meal” for the sake of everyone else’s feelings or “doing the right thing”. Is it selfish? Umm … YAH! Guess what people?

BEING SELFISH IS ALLOWED!

The holidays are meant for going home and spending time with family, but let’s face it, not everyone has a family to go home to – OR – whereas their “family” might physically exist, it’s just not a safe place to go back to.

We all have a home when our “home” is where we are! My true HOME is with ME, and here there is no medieval gauntlet to run through. No toxicity. No hatred. No judgment. No guilt. No shame. No yelling. No screaming. No anxiety. No nausea. No cringing. No crying. No suffering!

NOT HAVING TO TAKE YOURSELF OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM TO BE MEDICATED AFTER HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AT “FAMILY DINNER”!

It took me fifty something years to finally figure out that there are no rules to this game, so stop playing by everyone ELSE’S rules if they make you physically ILL!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating this beautiful American holiday, especially the “alone but NOT lonely” like me. For the record, I am so beyond thankful that I have arrived at this place in life where I can choose to allow myself every bit of the power, grace, and unconditionally safe love I want to receive from this cosmos. If, like me, “going home” literally feels like walking on not just eggshells, but razor blades, nails, glass, quicksand, land mines AND eggshells … then just chose YOU and STAY “HOME“! Your family is YOU and the ONE parent who will NEVER forsake you … God. These days when I sing this song, it’s HIM who I am singing it to.

HOME

I’m staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain. I’m going to the place where love and feeling good don’t ever cost a thing and the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain. Well, I’m going home, back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. I’m not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong. I don’t regret this life I chose for me, but these places and these faces are getting old. So I’m going home, well I’m going home. The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you. I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true and I don’t know why. You always seem to give me another try. So I’m going home, back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. I’m not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong. I don’t regret this life I chose for me, but these places and these faces are getting old. Be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all and then some you don’t want. Be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, yeah. Oh, well I’m going home, back to the place where I belong and where your love has always been enough for me. {Daughtry}

NOVEMBER 23, 2021: “Rise Up To YOU!” …

November 23, 2021January 10, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

You.

It’s only you. It’s only YOU who can fill those cracks in your broken heart with the most magical healing compound of all:

YOU!

No, I take that back. What I really meant to say is YOU AND GOD! Not you and someone else. Not you and somewhere else. Not you and strangers, fame, fortune, stuff, drugs, alcohol, food, or lust. Just you, yourself, and that EPIC fucking reflection in the mirror that you’ve been refusing to make peace with and fall in love with the way God fell in love with you two billion infinite eons before you were even born. He never meant for us to seek the pleasures of this world … that’s the trick the devil did. God wants to be the One to bring you happiness and peace, because if anyone besides us knows how the world keeps disappointing us, it’s Him! He wants us to turn to Him, then right back to ourselves, so we don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else for sport.

Look, there’s always gonna be some kind of darkness lying in wait just ahead of us. I mean, ‘cmon, have you seen this fucking place we’re living in? No matter how bright the artificial lights we follow to navigate ourselves through it all, or how many miles ahead of all the bullshit we try to stay, there’s always gonna be an abyss waiting to swallow us alive. Guess what? That internal spotlight we often hide from is the exact same one that emits the full power and grace from our soul that allows us to see the beauty of our own reflection:

The more we stray, the less we fear, and the more we reach, the more we fade away.

Can’t you smell the paradox? This whole self-love dealio seems to contradict itself, right? We need to find our light. We were meant to find our light. Our light is both ourselves and God. You know? GOD. The One Who is to be feared and not feared all at once? He wants us to shine that light on ourselves – to shine HIS light on ourselves – but that light can be super scary.

To whom much is given, much is expected.

Now those are some scary words! Some people don’t want the responsibility that comes with such power, so they opt for the easy way out of all they were meant to be, leave themselves behind, head into the world to “find themselves” in anything but themselves, then wonder why they feel so empty and alone.

Unless and until you take hold of all that power and wield it like a beacon in the night, you will always be hoping for “other indications” of who you really are and seeking “higher elevations” from an outside world you were never meant to seek. Trust me when I say this, ’cause I’ve been there and done that, too, but if you aren’t capable of being at absolute peace in the company of your own solitude, any other person, place, or thing you try to have a relationship with is nothing more than a cruel trick you’re playing on yourself to avoid facing the gaping hole in your heart left by this world.

So, with that, why not try giving yourself as much time, love, and attention as you give to other people and see what kinda magic can happen to that reflection in your mirror. Just rise up, STAY RISEN, and go back home to YOU!

RISE UP!

I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. I’ve been shaken, waking in the night light. I’ve been breaking, hiding from the spotlight. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh, it’s calling out and I won’t walk away. I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all give me more. I was always up for making changes. Walking down the street meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. I was there, but I was always leaving. I’ve been living, but I was never breathing. Flipping through my life turning pages. I’m bursting like the fourth of July, so color me and blow me away. I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray. I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all give me more. {Imagine Dragons}

NOVEMBER 19, 2021: “Le Symbolique” …

November 19, 2021August 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you’ve ever lost someone that you love, regardless of the “how, when, and why”, you know that sometimes it’s the most beautiful memories of life with that now missing person that can hurt you the very most.

So, you’d be 2,000% okay going to Disney without Dad?

Oh, Mom, when we finally do go back, trust me – HE’LL BE WITH US!

If you knew anything about him, you know that not only was Disney was one of Zack’s favorite places of all, it was also our very first “family adventure“. With that in mind, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …

If he can still see us … and I know in my heart that he can … he would be devastated beyond conception if we let the possibility of too many flashbacks and memories keep us from going back to one of “our places“. So, rather than let those memories make us cry, we’ll just go back to all those places again and laugh!

Meanwhile, so now what’s the dealio with this “Le Symbolique”? Well, I’ll tell ya! First of all, take look at the definition …

So, with that, not only is this beautiful instrumental by one of our favorite bands one of our favorite and most uplifting musical gifts, this first trip back to one of the truly most MAGICAL places on Earth is “Le Symbolique” of not just our journey going forward without him, but all the love, laughter, and truly MAGIC adventures we ever had got to have with him in the first place. Even more so than that, because of my deep love of France and the “symbolique-ism” of what my very first trip there ever meant, one of the sweetest things that man would ever do for me as soon as we’d step foot into “the kingdom” is make it a point to see to it that we went straight to the “France” in Epcot and sit down for a croissant. That, my friends, may very well be amongst the most bittersweet “flashbacks and memories” we will be sure to LAUGH our way back to magic when we get there!

NOVEMBER 17, 2021: “It’s GOOD To Be Alive” …

November 17, 2021April 24, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because for every time I, myself, was my very own worst enemy, “hammer in hand” and all, having to just sit back now and watch helplessly as one of the very few human beings I’ve ever truly loved wields that same familiar hammer is all but fucking devouring me! That Godforsaken mallet has been smashing the hearts, minds, and souls of everyone whose ever touched it for only GOD knows how long. In the meantime …

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. As for me and mine? It’s SO GOOD to be alive!

TO BE ALIVE

I know you don’t believe it like I believe it. Oh no, it’s not your fault – you sit alone inside a room – wait for the world to come to you. They never do. It must be something that you can’t let go. It hurts that you won’t let me know. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And then in conversation, I love the way you mention, “nothing’s ever gone your way” with a hammer in your hand. You spell out a master plan. You never learn. It must be somebody holding your heart. Something that tears us apart. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And I don’t think that it’s right to let love pass by. Any time of life, it’s good to be alive. {Def Leppard}

NOVEMER 17, 2021: “The OTHER Golden Rule” …

November 17, 2021November 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Most everyone has probably already heard that age old Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”, but lemme ask you this: Have you heard the other Golden Rule … “Circa 2021” by The REAL Cat Williamson …

Perhaps you’ve heard it said before that, “we train others how to treat us“? NOTHING could be further from the truth! We learn how to treat ourselves based solely upon the treatment we choose to accept from others. So, with that, what’s even more important than “training others how to treat us” is “training OURSELVES how to treat us”!

The way we treat and even speak to and ABOUT ourselves sets the gold standard for the treatment, behaviors, and “speak” we receive from others. If we allow OURSELVES to speak to OURSELVES like SHIT, why would anyone else think it’s NOT okay to speak to us like SHIT? All that being said, the ONLY way to change the inner voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to “you”. Nothing good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves like poorly … NOT EVEN JOKINGLY! Don’t get me wrong, being honest about and owning your less than optimal attributes is one thing, but self-deprecation is another. As far as I’m concerned, it’s nothing short of psychological abuse of OURSELVES!

DON’T GO THERE!

The only way to change the voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to it. NOTHING good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves poorly. Unless you’re one of the truly rare and fortunate people who somehow managed to escape childhood in one piece, the chances are high that there’s a younger version of you living just beneath the scars you wear as an adult who NEEDS to hear all the things they never heard when they were a kid … SO SAY THEM! Say them kindly. Say them sweetly. Say them gracefully, gently, and FORGIVINGLY! Perhaps the best part of adhering to this “other” Golden Rule is that once you and that powerful inner voice of yours became as tight and thick as thieves, you’ll be much better able to hear what it’s trying to tell you. Learning to trust the advice from your instinctual wisdom and intuition is imperative to your mental wealth and survival.

AND REMEMBER …

Nothing ’bout you is ordinary, so if your friends all say you’re goin’ crazy, don’t listen to a word that they say! Let the voices in your head be legendary, and don’t ever tell ’em where the bodies are buried. It’ll keep ’em coming back every day!

{“Real Cat” Adaptation to “Attention Attention!” by Shinedown}

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Attention! Attention! Get down on the floor! Don’t reach for your pockets, don’t run for the door! Attention! Attention! It’s urgent, it’s real! The cameras are rolling, the envelopes sealed! Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? The stories I hear are the stories I tell – like jumping over buildings and sneaking outta hell! Intention! Retention! It’s all in your head! That greedy little mistress they tied in in your bed. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy. I don’t hear a word that they say. ‘Cause the voices in my head are legendary, but I’ll never tell ’em where the bodies are buried. Keeps them coming back every day! Oh no! Oh no! They’re just villains in my mind doin’ time. Oh no! Oh no! They’re just matches burning holes in my soul. Attention! Attention! ‘Cause this ain’t a stunt. The judges are racist. The juries corrupt. The shelves are all empty, but the seats are all filled. You’re a shiny new penny, I’m a hundred dollar bill. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy … {Shinedown}

NOVEMBER 14, 2021: “The Sun WILL Rise” …

November 14, 2021December 4, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“The Falling“

For every other person who “shows the world” nothin’ but the lollipops and rainbows in their lives, there’s the ones like me who are here to keep things REAL! I hit the ground this weekend and leveled the YEARS of blood, sweat, tears, and toil slaying my dragon. Literally, and not metaphorically, all that hard work went in the fucking toilet. Yes, my friends, even phoenixes crash and burn, especially when what’s eating her alive is living, breathing spider web that is currently trying to devour my babies.

For now, I’ll just have to forgive myself with all the power and grace I am, get the crown back up on my head, pick up my sword, and put this bitch to sleep again. I am only as weak as my very worst enemy, which as for now has just become me. This, too, shall pass, and, “Just for today, I will try to live through THIS day only”.

The next time you see me, I’ll be at one of the most MAGICAL places on this planet with the Mona Lisa gearing up to return and face a dragon. Oh, and by the way, I will NOT rest until the day that FUCKING Venom suit is finally off my kid’s body. In the meantime …

My Dearest Cat:

I can see the weight there in your eyes. I can feel the thorn in your side. Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight (again). The road we’re on’s not a dead-end street, even with the glass broken underneath our feet. You KNOW the day will break this Sunless night. THE SUN WILL RISE! You haven’t lost your Light – THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! You’ve been stuck in a storm like this before and felt the wind raging at your door. We couldn’t move, we couldn’t breathe, we couldn’t find a way out. Still those clouds all disappeared and you and I finally made it here, maybe just so you could hear me say: THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! I already know that you can see it, even though it’s so hard to believe it. It’s times like now you just need to hold on to your faith. YOU are the answer to our prayer, and I swear when TOMORROW comes … THE SUN WILL RISE. IT’LL BE ALRIGHT!

Love you FOREVER …

“ME”

{Adaptation from “The Sun Will Rise” by Kelly Clarkson}

NOVEMBER 12, 2021: “Like I Am” …

November 12, 2021April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

At this point in my life, I have become a staunch proponent of leaving the past in the past, because looking in the rearview mirror can do much more harm than good if you haven’t reached that threshold yet where even beautiful memories can level you. That being said, I am also wise enough to know that sometimes you really do have to look backwards in order to keep moving forward. Not only is studying the past the best way to either repeat or not repeat certain cycles, mistakes, triumphs and even people, it can also be where the most authentic looks at ourselves can be found.

For example, the famous “Cheeseburger & Tears” text between Christian and Zack from November 12, 1996, that I recently saw on his phone again. Trust me when I tell you that everything in my soul wanted to burst into tears when I saw it, but then something prolific just washed right over my heart and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes literally dead in their tracks. It was a poignant look at myself through another person’s eyes and words:

I have my own major flaws that your mom doesn’t talk about because she always thinks the best of everyone.

Indeed, it’s true. I really do always think the best of everyone. Well, at least I try to that is. It’s both a major character flaw and a major character perk, depending on “what” or who is on the receiving end of my seemingly bottomless pit of forgiveness. Even now with my boundaries as firmly BOUND and in place as possible, my heart is as ever more marshmallow than steel. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a fortress I truly am, especially when it comes to “peopling“, and as a living queen, I accept nothing less than everything.

At the end of the day, though, as I was sitting with Zack’s phone in my hand trying to decide whether to cry or smile, it was the latter of the two that won the prize. This “Cheeseburger & Tears” text reminded me once again of not just who I am, but that I was truly and unconditionally loved just like I am, which as we all know is one of the many reasons I’m still sitting here at all with the insurmountable and unconditional love I now have for myself.

Inasmuch as I’ve come to adore Rascal Flatts over the years, of course they were the background music for our many road trip adventures. With that, I cannot tell you how many times this song must have cued up, at which point we’d always lock hands (if they weren’t already locked) and I’d get the “three squeeze I love you“. So, today as I’m listening to it, I’m tweaking the words and singing it to him out loud:

Lying here without you, I know you watch me sleep. The dawn is closing in with every breath I breathe. I can feel the change – the change you made in me. And now I truly see all the things you saw in me. When you said that I was one of a kind. Baby, I couldn’t see it, but you believed that I’m so strong and true. I promise you – I’ll always be this kind of girl, because loved me like I am.

Okay, and just for the record, NOW I’m actually crying my eyes out. Good grief. It’s okay. They’re happy tears, not sad ones. Well, maybe just a little sad. Okay, I’m done.

NOVEMBER 10, 2021: “Birds” …

November 10, 2021April 21, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because after all this time becoming “the crazy bird lady” but not being quite sure why, every one of their beautiful wings just delivered me full circle with an answer from The Cosmos that I simply cannot explain. Some day when the time is right and the seasons have come and gone enough such that she can finally read this Diary, only my Mona Lisa will fully understand the magnitude of the moments behind this entry. Gia, my muse, I’m sobbing as I’m writing this to you, but my tears are only filled with gratitude and joy.

When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I too will be flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me.

Looks like I got that answer we were talking about, and actually so did you. God is so good, as are all these messages, and these BIRDS will just keep speaking the truth. I love you daughter, and YES, we really are okay!

BIRDS

Two hearts, one valve. Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood, we were the body and – two lives, one life, stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down, makin’ it right. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Sunsets, sunrises. Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves changin’ the seasons. Some nights I think of you, relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last – wishin’ and dreamin’. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Death can make you hard, hard, hard. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Ooh, birds fly in every direction. Ooh, so fly high, so fly high. When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I’m flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me. {Imagine Dragons}

NOVEMBER 7, 2021: “The Stranger In The Mirror” …

November 7, 2021December 6, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

PROJECTION:

Loosely defined, is “a defensive mechanism by which we displace our feelings onto a person, animal, or object.” This is one of Sigmund Freud’s ‘lil nuggets, by the way, about how some people deal with their lack of self-esteem and feelings of insecurity and adequacy.

DEFLECTION:

Also loosely defined, is attempting to draw attention away from oneself and put that attention onto another person.

PERCEPTION:

Either “loosely” or not so “loosely defined” (depending on where you are in my “Peopling For Dummies 101” process) is our ability to hear, see, become aware of, and conceptualize things by using our senses.

What have any of you heard me say about what other people think of us? In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you:

WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF US IS

NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!

At the end of the day, neither projection, deflection, or any clinical words, phrases, or diagnoses mean a hill of beans. PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING, my friends, and aside from our faith, the only thing we really need to understand to navigate this “peopling” gig.

We are NOT what people think of us … we are what people think of THEMSELVES! So, try to remember that the next time you think about letting other peoples’ opinions control your life or define you. Someone else’s opinion of you is merely a reflection of their own personal experiences, beliefs, and realities, and sometimes a reflection of a war they’re battling within themselves. Only take what is useful and valuable from other peoples’ words, thoughts, and “opinions”. NOTHING MORE! NOTHING LESS! Only YOU know the size and shape of the shoes you’ve been walking in every single day since the minute you were born, and only YOU know how the comfort, fit, and style of those shoes have shaped YOU!

In being honest and taking this even further, for me, it’s only my self-reflection through God’s eyes that matters to me. But hey, you know what? My faith journey is my faith journey, and although I do so wish you ALL well on your own faith journeys, that’s a totally different Diary entry for another day. In the meantime, you just do whatever it takes to make friends with that person you see standing in the mirror, because like it or not, that beautiful creature looking back at you is your ride or die from this day ’til eternity! How YOU feel and what YOU think of YOU is EVERYTHING:

Now then, here’s yet another one of my tweaked-up renditions of one of my favorite songs. Listen to it as though you’re singing it to yourself, and let it wash right over you, lest you remember that although not a single one of them damn peoples’ nasty, misperceived opinions of you matters, YOUR SELF-REFLECTION DOES!

Are you looking for some validation like everyone else? Are you going through a transformation and losing yourself? Have you ever tried to make the pieces fit when you knew it wasn’t you? Are all the eyes looking in on you now making you unable to see?

Did you give off the wrong impression of somebody else? Have you made some bad decisions you’ll regret? Is that all you have left? Are you afraid of who you are? Can you be satisfied? If there’s a way to take it back, who will you find?

Who’s that stranger in the mirror looking back at you now? Are the illusions getting clearer? Are you lost and cannot be found? Do you even recognize your face, or are you just so out of place? Who have you become? Is there a stranger in the mirror? You’ve got to find a way out!

Stop running … running … RUNNING from you. You forgot who you once were. There’s a stranger in the mirror and you can’t be something you know that you’re not!

{“Real Cat” Adaptation to “Stranger In the Mirror” by Trapt}

NOVEMBER 4, 2021: “The Bullshit On Your Driveway” …

November 4, 2021October 17, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

Wait! NO! Not if I told you …

THIS IS ME TELLING YOU!

It’s not always easy to see through all of the healing piles of total BULLSHIT piled in front of you, especially when it was dumped there by family, friends, and loved ones. This I know too well! But lemme ask you THIS:

Was there ever a time that you could define? Tell me was there ever a time that you could refine what was boiling deep inside you? What was building up inside you? So what’ll you do when none of it’s true? Ya gonna go and break the mirror you thought was you while it’s coming down around you? It’s all falling down around you! If I took away your one excuse? Helped you down and cut the noose? Would you leave it all behind you? Could you leave this all behind you? If you tore away the tourniquet and put yourself in front of it? Could you leave this all behind you? Would you leave this all behind you? Tell me was there ever a way, ever a day, you could have simply walked away or talked your way out of what was changing deep inside you? Rearranging what’s inside you? While you’re lookin’ around for someone to blame, I hear that you been running around dropping my name while the ship you’re on is sinking. What the fuck have you been thinking?

{Five Finger Death Punch}

Now, I’m not saying you have to leave everyone choking on your fumes as you head for the other side of the mountain. Not only is that just not a viable option sometimes, it’s not even always optimal. Sometimes, however, just ripping off the tourniquet of excuses that keep you stuck in places you know you’re not supposed to be is the only way to “GOOD goodbye” some mother effers and start over with a shit-free ride. But, hey, that’s a different story for different day …

… which I suppose is THE

perfect segue into THIS:

“Blood may be thicker than water”, but if it’s either too thick or too thin it can literally be a death sentence, and life’s too fucking short to die of preventable and treatable sepsis. That same principal applies to “drinking straw parasites” and energy vampires, who, too, are “unfortunately” contagious.

At the end of the road, whether it’s letting people go, driving away and never looking back, or driving away to a safer distance, the first step to leaving anything behind is turning the key, revving the engine, focusing on what you’re after, and DRIVING!

By the way, don’t forget that no matter which direction you decide to drive, you have to forgive people for the SHIT SHOWS they bring into your life. EVERY STINKIN’ ONE OF THEM! If not for them, FOR YOU! Bitterness and grudges can and will make you sick, and who wants to drive to the mountains with that kind of “bad blood” sickness, either?

NOVEMBER 1, 2021: “Sorry For Now” …

November 1, 2021November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

My Dearest Butterfly:

Today is our anniversary, and I’m watching the wings cut through the clouds. Watching the raindrops blinking red and white. Thinking, “are you back on the ground there with a fire burning in your eyes?” I only halfway apologize. And I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand. You will understand. After a while you may forget, but just in case the memories cross your mind. You couldn’t know this when I left under the fire angry eyes. I never wanted to say goodbye. So I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand. You will understand. Yeah, I’ll keep telling Him to pump the bass up. I’ll try to call home when everyone is wide awake. Wish I could switch the time zones – so we can pick the bass up. But you’re passed out by every time I am awake. Best things come to those who wait and it’s time to get pumped on any road you take. Don’t ever have a problem – make no mistake. I can’t wait to for you to come to where I had to go away.

My Dearest Frog:

I’m watching the wings cut through the clouds. Watching the raindrops blinking red and white. Thinking, “are you up there with a fire burning in your eyes?” I only halfway apologize. And I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. I want you to know that I already understand. I already understand. After a while I’ll WON’T forget, but just in case the memories cross my mind. You couldn’t know this when you left under the fire of everyone’s very angry eyes. I never wanted you to have to say goodbye. So I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. There will be a day that they will understand. They will understand. Yeah, keep telling Him to pump the bass up. We always try to reach you where you already are. Switch your time zones – so we can pick the bass up. I just passed out by the time you wake up. Best things come to those who wait, and I promise I’ll be pumped on any road I take. Don’t ever have a problem – make no mistake. I can’t wait to go to where you went away.

I want you to know that I really do promise to be everything I loved most about you, and all the very best things you brought out in me. In between our first hello and our last goodbye was so much love it was unfathomable. You were ours, and only ever ours – and we belonged to YOU! For those reasons, and too many more to count, you will remain the last reigning king of my heart even despite the sickened darkness your demons brought into our lives. I love you, Zachariah. Happy Anniversary.

OCTOBER 31, 2021: “Good GOODBYE!” …

October 31, 2021October 17, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

No, but seriously though …

I’m on a wicked house cleaning tangent these days, ’cause even us Lights in the dark have their limits. I mean, c’mon, I may be a queen, but I’m only a mortal one, so, Jean-Claude Van DAMN thank you …

BOUNDARIES!

They’re what’s for breakfast, and for lunch and dinner, and for midnight frigging snacks. I wasted far too many years and far too much of my precious energy not understanding that the people who were meant to be in my life would only be sticking around if I say so.

I am power, grace, and beauty forever rising, and though I will always love human beings with warm blood running through their veins, holding space in my almost bottomless heart for those who can’t hold the same space for me is just not in my wheelhouse. As you may have heard me say in the past if you’ve been paying enough attention in here, I have had to the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that should NEVER have been forgiven. My point being that at this juncture on my journey, although I may often and even quickly extend grace and forgiveness to the sometimes undeserving masses, I don’t really spend much time waiting around for people to change. I have no time for toxic human wastelands and the negative energy that emits from their bubble.

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I am THE nicest BITCH you’ll ever wanna know, but these drinking straws of mine are PRICELESS. So, if you really, REALLY want one of ’em, you best bring your A-Game for me, ’cause momma ain’t playin’ around no MO! I’m in this to WIN it, and lions don’t associate with sheep. Unless, of course, they’re having them for dinner! But hey, THAT’S a different story for another day!

(“Drinking Straw Parasites“)

I gotta big ole shiny Queendom I’m runnin’ over here with just enough people in it who do hold space for me, so, I no longer accept scraps, bullshit, or anything less than what I bring to the table from anyone. I may be alone for the time being (and maybe even for the rest of my journey here if that’s how it’s meant to be), but I’m definitely not lonely. For those “most unfortunates” who don’t end up making the cut? Well, I’m sorry, but I’m NOT sorry ’boutcha. The happiest, smiliest, nicest bitch EVER landlord from either Heaven or Hell, depending on who you are, and the rent is way past due. So, say goodbye and hit the road … pack it up and disappear! You better have some place to go, ’cause you can’t come back around here.

GOOD GOOBYE!

OCTOBER 30, 2021: “The REAL Homecoming Queen” …

October 30, 2021December 5, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because unless you know where my “homecoming queen” has already been and the battles she’s fought and won by now, you just can’t understand how truly powerful this picture of her really is. But seriously though, someday we’ll sit back and laugh as all those silly haters that just ain’t her and won’t ever be her are choking on the ashes from her fire.

OCTOBER 31, 2021: “… of Blood, Tears, Power + Grace” …

October 30, 2021December 17, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

A very wise man once said that yet another very wise man once said:

You know, I’ve been asked a couple times why I always write “power and grace” and “love and respect” … It takes two things to make it in this world: Power and grace. Being powerful enough to project and to be assertive and stand for what you stand for, but have it be graceful at the same time, and having gratitude for those that, you know, come in contact with you, and so on and so forth. Love and respect, he said, was the second half of that, because to have power, you have to show those two things ~ love and respect. To have grace, you have to own both of those things ~ love and respect.

(IvanFUCKING Moody)

I think I’ve always known that I’m the epitome of “Power & Grace“, it just took me a minute to figure it out. I’ve never been a fan of being defined by other peoples’ reflections, because God Himself knows that for far too long it was all the words, labels, and black and white boxes the people who never really knew me once tried to keep me confined in. Thankfully, however, now that I’ve grown into my own skin, I no longer give credence to anyone else’s reflection of me but mine. Yet, as I sit and ponder the magnitude of these two most powerful words, I fall back to these words from one of my favorite songs that I’ve now tweaked to apply and sing to myself the way I always do:

It was all those days my world’s gone wrong. I’ve screamed until my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turned to pain as I awoke to what remained and sifted through the ashes that were left. But buried deep beneath all my broken dreams, I had this hope that out of these ashes beauty would rise and I would dance among the ruins and I would know the joy had come.

I took another breath until now and let the tears come washing down, and when I couldn’t believe, He believed for me and had the signs of spring for me to watch and see! Then I heard it in the distance! It wasn’t too far away! It was the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast! I could almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new”, and then He made it all new and took my breath away with the power, grace, and beauty that He made of me from out of the ashes.

{“Beauty Will Rise” by Steven Curtis Chapman}

I am truly thankful to see myself through Ivan’s words, as he’s someone I’ve clearly grown to love and respect for reasons that most people wouldn’t understand. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … he really does “put the phoenix in phoenix“. I mean, the man literally rose from the dead! Like me, he’s been “woven in a black and white tapestry sewn with blood and tears”, and I will treasure both this book and his words forever.

As and aside, I am thoroughly enjoying the Dirty Poetry and have been through it cover to cover many times. Just as I’d suspected they’d be having listened to both the messages and his music and to his fans, his words are a rabbit hole of his beautifully twisted thoughts and dreams. To me, he’s a modern day Kafka, who up until now was the only writer with whom I could truly relate. I’m not gonna lie, I never really thought that anyone could out-Kafkaesque the “Die Verwandlung” that often creeps through my mind, but damn he’s gone and done it! There are so many pieces of not just me living inside the pages of this book, but as well the pieces of the very few people I’ve truly loved in this world, not the least of which was my husband.

OCTOBER 28, 2021: “Peopling” …

October 28, 2021July 8, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Look, it’s not as though I’m that hard to get along with, it’s just that I’m very particular about who and what I allow into my strange little bubble, and even more particular about the strings I allow to attach to my soul. For those who get it right, being “too close” to me is a veritable rabbit hole to wonderland! For those who don’t, umm, maybe not so much, because more so than not, I’ve usually already left the party before I get there. It doesn’t change the fact that if and when I’m truly comfortable with someone, I literally NEVER shut the fuck up. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. Otherwise? Sorry ’boutcha!

Am I proud of this either fatal or God given flaw and its accompanying elusiveness, silent exits, and “door slams“? Maybe. Maybe not. You see, at this point I’m not even remotely interested in trying to understand the “difficult” way I am. As I’ve oft said before, some things just aren’t meant to be understood, and my “you don’t ever wanna get too close to me” personality is one of them. What I do know by now is that, indeed, I am the consummate INFJ “slammer”:

INFJ stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, and Judgment. The INFJ is believed to be the rarest of all types, making up only 1-2 percent of the U.S. population — which explains why this personality type frequently feels isolated and misunderstood.

{“What Is the INFJ Door Slam, and Why Do INFJs Do It?}

Keep in mind that no one ever gets the same me twice. Once I’ve decided that something isn’t working, although I may peacefully coexist in someone’s atmosphere, the “me” that comes after I’ve realized I’m too close to someone who isn’t in my wheelhouse usually doesn’t come with emotion. As you can imagine, this tends to make me seem like a cold, heartless, “untrusting” bitch, and it definitely hasn’t won me any popularity contests. I’m anything but your ordinary run of the mill kinda human, I’m tellin’ ya, and that’s just the way that it is.

Trust me when I say that my dance card is never full, and hell NO I’m not that girl who’s inundated with girls’ nights out or invitations to pretty much anything. Rather, I’m that girl who teases the masses with the chance of touching my soul, but when they try to get too close and I’m simply not feeling their energy, I slap their fucking hand away and run for the hills! It is what it is, I am who I am, and I’m pretty damn fucking okay with it. On the rare occasion that I do get included in a social gathering with people I feel connected to, I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN frigging delightful! “Peopling” either brings out the best in me or nothing at all, and I have ZERO interest in the surface level of anything. I’d much rather be “alone, but not lonely” than in an ocean chock full of way too many fish who aren’t really transmitting to my motherboard.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because yes I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have you met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege and honor of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to GET to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

{“I’m A Freak Of The World“}

So, step right up and enjoy the Real Cat freak show, my friends, or don’t, ’cause either way, I’m good. I no longer feel the need to apologize for my, err, “uniqueness”, and fucking embrace my very private world and the intuition that shrouds and protects it. There’s the door all you “people”, so, unless we’re gonna do this “peopling” thing for REAL, you might want to run as far away from that door as possible, lest it hit you in the face!

The bottom line is this …

The only “people” who have ever been able to decipher the secret language of my soul are those very few who knew how to read it before I even spoke a word. Kinda like that time I fell head over heels in love with a man whose very first meaningful conversation with me started with, “Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush??” That’s the REAL stuff that brings out the best in me. No blowing smoke up my ass necessary, just, “Wow, you look like shit!”

It seems that more and more these days, people are merely staring at and sizing each other up with their eyes and not their naked souls. BEHOLD! It’s the grand illusion of dress up and pretend where no one is ever really what they seem, and umm, I’m so not down with living a life of farce anymore. Trust me when I say that this Cat ain’t going backwards! God Himself knows it even took me more than four decades to learn how to crack my own code.

Through it all, it’s only true connectivity with relatively drama free people that makes me feel at home in unfamiliar places, and now that I’ve realized that my most genuine connection is right here with me, I’ll be hangin’ here in my Queendom unless or until someone can ignite my fire with a spark from theirs. I have no time for surface level, and even less time for toxic environments and drama, so unless and until I find safe places to be and mentally wealthy people to see, imma just stay up here on my mountain and watch all the “peopling” going on down below and thanking God that I don’t have to do it anymore.

If I’ve learned anything in my “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True” years, it’s that nothing feels as lonely as being in a room full of people you know you don’t belong with because they’re either just not your cup of tea, or worse yet, not good for your mental health. Been there, done that, got the prize and the cookie, and now I’m fuckin’ DONE!

TOO CLOSE

Checking out so soon? How long you been planning this? Is it something that I missed? I really thought that I was breaking through to you. Did you run out of room? You said that you would take the risk, and now you can’t handle it? You took what you can get and now you’re through. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. It’s my mistake. I never listened when you said, “Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. You don’t want to get too close, too close, too close to me. Don’t ever get too close, too close, too close to me. I had to find out – find out for myself. I always knew I’d be the one to take the hit, but I guess I just can’t resist all the mystery surrounding you. I’m so confused. There are just too many twists. I’ll never get away from it. I should’ve known you were too good to be true. I can tell by the look on your face that it’s time for you to make an escape. Why do you keep me at a distance? Why are you always so resistant? Don’t want to wonder any longer – wonder when you’ll say, “Don’t never get too close, too close, too close for me. I guess I’ll have to find out – find out for myself. {Trapt}

OCTOBER 24, 2021: “God’s Favorite Daughter” …

October 24, 2021November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Hi everyone! It’s me, CAT! I’m the REAL Cat Williamson, not the sugar coated FAKE one! I’m the Queen of the world who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet still the most wretched, beautiful, and perfectly imperfect woman in the land.

Look at me!

Yes, look at me! I really AM just like the Sun. I’ll burn out your eyes, get under your skin, then blow out your eardrums with my word bombs! I speak the TRUTH, damnit! So, love me or hate me, ’cause I literally just don’t care. Nothing about me is anyone else’s concern unless I allow it to be, just as NOTHING anyone thinks about me is any of mine. I’m the FIRST of me and the last of me, ’cause there’s never gonna be another one LIKE me, and I’m STILL the luckiest woman alive!

I am big. I am small. I’m an oxymoron of epic proportion. I’m an apostrophe. I am perfect. I am FLAWED! I’m a pebble skipped across a pond that’s valueless and valued both at once. I truly am “power, grace, and beauty rising“. I have the world’s biggest ego and the confidence of a lioness, yet I’m humbled by my absolute insignificance.

If I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” years on this Earth, it’s that once a person has seen themselves through God’s eyes before a mirror, not only will their soul never be the same again, but they’ll never see this world and the people living in it the same way again, either. I’m so thankful for what I see when I stand before a mirror now. I SEE HIM!

I’m God’s Favorite Daughter!

So, too, are you “God’s FAVORITE child“, but not unless and until you take ownership of that crown He adorned your head with and wear it proudly with power and grace!

WHO I AM …

Look at me, I am the Sun – I’ll blind your eyes, the only one. Look at me, when night sings blues – I’m the only one, yes I’m your muse. Look at me, make no mistake – Fashioned with earth, molded with clay. I’ll tell you how I face the day – LIVE LIFE, RAISE HELL, LEFT NOTHING UNDONE. Who I am? Who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Look at me – I’m not like you. I’m number one, not number two. Look at me – a pride and joy. I came to win. I came to destroy! Look at me. Look in my eyes. Heart of a lion. I’ll fight till I die! Life’s too short to expect less. Even when I fall, I get up swinging. Who I am, who am I to you? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH TO YOU! Who I am? Who am I to you? Why can’t I be who I am? Who I am? Who am I to me? You know, dammit, I SPEAK THE TRUTH! You see ho I am! Who am I to me? I just wanna be who I am. {Scott Stapp}

OCTOBER 21, 2021: “Inside Of Me” …

October 21, 2021April 24, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I spent more than 40 years living trapped inside my own mind. Then, I escaped it, only to find that it wasn’t so bad in there after all. It took me a minute to make peace with my own chaos, which as it turns out, had more to do with my environment and not what was “inside my mind”. Once I changed my scenery and the majority of the people in it, though, I found that my mind is an entire fucking WONDERLAND of power and grace, love and beauty, creativity, whimsy, empathy, and blind faith that not everyone was apt to either appreciate or handle.

THEIR LOSS, NOT MINE!

Once I made peace with myself and truly epic space between my ears, I stopped trying to run away from it, moved the HELL back in, took a few pictures down, hung a few back up, and now I rarely ever leave it. Sounds kinda crazy, right? Indeed, I know this … but it doesn’t make it any less true.

…but loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life. Let me forget all that went wrong.

As far as that “loving in hindsight not working for my life”? That was the old me … THIS IS THE NEW … and new me is okay with whatever, however, and whenever it takes to either understand or not understand why certain things and people happen in my life.

After all is said and done, it doesn’t really matter, ’cause the proverbial shit is ALWAYS gonna hit the fan. This road I’m on is still rollin’ on anyway. As long as it takes me “anywhere”, anywhere is better than nowhere, and my life is too fucking beautiful to just give up now. I’m not just a Cat … I’m a REAL Cat, my friends … and the last time I checked, cats always land on their feet!

INSIDE OF ME

Always waiting for something – searching for one thing – and I know it has to be there somewhere. On this show without knowing the way this is going, as long as it takes me anywhere. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. I look to the far side – searching for daylight – something that is mine, all my own. But loving in hindsight – that won’t work for my life – let me forget all that went wrong. There’s life and there’s one dance – and there’s fate and there’s one chance – to find out who I wanna be, and I know it’s inside of me. There’s love and so much more that waits behind that door. There’s so much that I wanna see, and I know it’s inside of me. {3 Doors Down}

OCTOBER 20, 2021: “The Bucket List Item I Never Knew I Needed” …

October 20, 2021August 24, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yesterday, one of my “life partners” of sorts, who has now become a dear friend, called me up and all but insisted that I “find myself a cocktail dress, slap on some make up, and get to downtown Dallas” for a once in a lifetime chance to see an actual living masterpiece, Andrea Bocelli. As I had adamantly planned not to see any post pandemic concerts until it could be Ivan Moody and Five Finger Death Punch, I almost backed out after I’d already agreed to go, because I didn’t want to break the deal I’d made with myself to hold out for Death Punch with both the kids so that hopefully they’d finally get to hear “The Brighter Side Of Grey” live on stage.

In being honest, even as much as I love all genres of music, opera has never really been my thing, but it was Zack’s, and seeing Bocelli in concert had long been on his Bucket List before he left. Knowing him the way that I did, if he were still alive, we’d have had front row center seats at any cost, because that’s how much he loved Bocelli. Meanwhile, I did decide to go after all – not for me – but to honor one of his dreams. I’M SO GLAD I DIDN’T BAIL!

I cried most of the night, all but lost it at Amazing Grace, and I’ll never be the same again after this night. Of note, when Andrea and his daughter sang Ave Maria, my friend turned me and said:

Cat, Zack is here right now. Can’t explain it. I just know it and feel it in my soul.

In my heart of hearts, I know that she was right! Not many people will ever have the chance to see a true “living masterpiece” in concert, and I am firmly convinced that I was very much supposed to be at that performance. Hearing Andrea Bocelli tonight was no different to me than if I had been given the chance to sit down beside Leonardo DaVinci while he was giving birth to the Mona Lisa.

Once again, I am blessed and grateful beyond words, and forever changed for the better. How could I have possibly known that within the course of less than 36 hours I’d be adding then scratching off an item from my own Bucket List that I never even knew was meant to be on it? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I truly am God’s own favorite daughter and the luckiest queen on the face of this entire planet.

OCTOBER 18, 2021: “Our Battle Symphony” …

October 18, 2021April 20, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

To My Son, Daughter, And Self:

Once again, I’ve stolen – ahem – I mean “borrowed” someone else’s words to convey a message I need to convey. So, with that …

We’ve got a long way to go, and a long memory. We’ve been searching for an answer always just out of reach. Blood on the floor. Sirens repeat. We’ve been searching for the courage to face our enemies. When they turn down the lights, we’ll hear our battle symphony – all the world in front of us! If our armor breaks, we’ll fuse it back together. Battle symphony – lease, let’s not give up on ourselves. And our eyes are wide awake for our battle symphony. For our battle symphony. They say that we don’t belong. Say that we should retreat. That we’re marching to the rhythm of a lonesome defeat. But the sound of our voices puts the pain in reverse. No surrender, no illusions, and for better or worse … If we fall – get knocked down – pick ourselves up off the ground. When they turn down the lights, we’ll hear our battle symphony – all the world in front of us! If our armor breaks, we’ll just fuse it back together. Battle symphony. Please, let’s not give up on us. And my eyes are wide awake for our battle symphony.

{Words Adapted from Linkin Park’s “Battle Symphony”}

Okay, that’s all for now. Oh, wait, except for this: Phoenixes don’t fall – WE RISE – and we always stick together, even when we’re flying solo! I love all THREE of you!

~ Me

OCTOBER 15, 2021: “THIS Me & THAT Me” …

October 15, 2021November 11, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m an avid “Quora” writer. As such, I recently saw this question posted, to which was my honest answer was THIS:

ME! It was ME who ruined something I loved!

Once upon a time, I was a train wreck of a woman, mentally ill, with a victim mentality, MUCH too comfortable living in my own toxicity, and far too weak and scared to begin the painful and arduous process of pulling my own damn broken head out of my ass and fighting my way out of the FARCE of a life I was living.

Then something changed … I OPENED UP MY EYES AND TOOK A COLD, HARD LOOK IN THE MIRROR. The person I saw standing there was the girl who was too blame for the beginning of her self destruction. So, I decided to become the beginning of my self belief and QUEENDOM.

While I was “that me”, I ruined a lot of things I loved. I RUINED A LOT OF PEOPLE I LOVED! Way too many to count. Mostly though? I RUINED MYSELF! THEN I WOKE UP! Now I’m “this me”, who is MUCH much better, and although I’m extremely thankful for all the SHIT I put my own self through and all the pain and suffering I endured in the process, I wouldn’t want to be “that me” ever again, and never will.

Hi! My name is The REAL Cat Williamson. I’m a warrior, motivator, and a SURVIVOR! The biggest challenge I have survived is MYSELF. For the record, I’m not “bragging” about all the things and people I ruined. I’m just being honest. Brutal honesty about myself and WITH myself was the first step to becoming “this me”.

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

DEAR YOUNGER ME

Dear younger me: Where do I start? If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far, then you could be one step ahead of all the painful memories still running thru my head. I wonder how much different things would be. Dear younger me, dear younger me: I cannot decide. Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life, or do I go deep and try to change the choices that you’ll make, ’cause they’re choices that made me. Even though I love this crazy life, sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride dear younger me. Dear younger me: If I knew then what I know now, condemnation would’ve had no power. My joy, my pain, would’ve never been my worth. If I knew then what I know now, it would’ve not been hard to figure out what I would’ve changed if I had heard – “Dear younger me: It’s not your fault. You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross. Dear younger me: You are holy. You are righteous. You are one of the redeemed, set apart, a brand new heart – you are free indeed. Every mountain, every valley, thru each heartache you will see that every moment brings you closer to who you were meant to be, dear younger me. {Mercy Me}

OCTOBER 11, 2021: “Let ‘Em Go” …

October 11, 2021April 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO!

‘Cause, sometimes it’s just like that, and guess what? THAT’S OKAY! Indeed, it’s true: “Your life is YOUR life”! We only get one spin around this globe each day, and we don’t know when that last spin’s coming. Life’s too precious to let anyone or anything “club you into dank submission” and steal your fucking Light. So?

Just Say NO!

LET IT GO!

Never feel bad for not feeling bad when the people, places, and even some memories don’t make the final cut. You’re allowed to be happy, at peace, and free from the deadweight of all those toxic and sometimes parasite infested fronds. The past is only a point of reference, my friends, not a place to hang pictures and call home. Besides, you can’t grow new leaves without losing the dead ones first.

The garden of your life has been patiently waiting for you, my friend, and it needs you to help it become healthier and more fruitful. GET TO PRUNING! So, while you’re busy trimming it up and clearing out both the dried up flowers and the dead and useless weeds, here’s another one of those songs you can sing to yourself as you’re practicing the ultimate self love of just letting the dead stuff go. That means people, places, and even things, by the way, be them beautiful or toxic (may the afore be resting in peace).

For the record, I’ve been listening to this song on at least a weekly basis since it was released back in 2009 as a constant reminder that the past is gone … I cannot get it back … and i GOTTA keep “letting it go”!

LET IT GO

Wait it out ’til the light. Take a breathe, say good night, but don’t ever go away. Wait around to find the time. Only you can take what’s mine, but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting’. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! A chance to change or stay the same. One night without the blame that’ll never go away. Only you can make it right – to walk away and have no fight – but don’t ever go away. I’ll be waiting. I need to let it go. Fade it out into the light. All these years we never get it right. I need to let it go. I need to let it go. I NEED TO LET IT GO! No more reasons to deny that I believed that you were mine. I NEED TO LET IT GO! {Cavo}

OCTOBER 10, 2021: “That Music Thing” …

October 10, 2021October 10, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

When my son was a teenager, he started sending me songs to communicate his feelings, often in the wee hours of the night. Until then, because of the trauma he’d experienced in his fucked up, toxic, and beyond dysfunctional “childhood” courtesy of his dad and me, he’d been keeping his broken feelings buried and was unable to verbally express the depth of his jaded emotions.

The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time just days before my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans), but until I got that “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. The text came through without any words … just the link to the song … BUT … no words were necessary. Once I’d listened to it, I knew exactly what he was trying to tell me:

Mom, I love you, but I need you to know that I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

I’m not gonna lie, folks, THAT was one literal and not metaphorical hell of a rough night for me. If you’ve ever listened to that song before, I’m certain you’ll understand why, and just for the record, if you’ve never heard that song before and have a history of childhood trauma, listen to it and you’ll understand why! Nevertheless, sending me that poignant and cryptic message at 3 o’clock in the morning was probably one of the best ways he could have possibly ever expressed exactly what he was feeling in the midst of all the undeserved wreckage and chaos that had become his life.

Needless to say, it was a pivotal moment in all our lives during a massive season of change, but hearing those words as they swept through my ears and washed over my own broken mind was an actual five finger death punch right through my fucking soul. Not only did it remind me of the countless ways I’d failed him, it also reminded me of the many things, I, too, “remembered” about my own dysfunctional childhood and how history was now repeating itself. It was devastating, but necessary, because as most of us know all too well, sometimes the truth has to hurt us before it can change us for the better.

Thereafter, if became a thing with us, and even to this day he lets me know what’s going on in his heart and mind with his random musical messages. Although some of the messages have been heavier than others, and some have been mind-numbingly ethereal, others have just been pure and simple love songs to let me know I’m still his best momma.

“That music thing” has now morphed into much more than just me and him communicating. These days, it’s also about me communicating with myself. Singing myself love songs is one of my favorite mental wealth hacks of all, and has now become a powerful way to not only love myself back to life unconditionally, but keep myself loved eternally.

“When The Seasons Change” is one of my life songs, of course by 5FDP, and as such, has made an appearance in this Diary more than a couple of times. It has truly been applicable to all the most important people, places, and seasons of my life, so, yes, I belt it out loud to myself all the time. Sometimes I have to tweak the words to my “love songs” to make them more applicable to me, as in the case below. Lol, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, life here in my Queendom moves to a rhythm of it’s very own, but hey, it’s all good. A queen’s gotta do what a queen’s gotta do … especially when the seasons are changing!

There’s a light in ME that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in MY eyes. There’s a hope inside THAT I CAN MAKE IT BETTER – I see right through MY disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring ME down. There’s a hope in ME that I will die for something. Was there fire in MY eyes? All this pain inside – Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When the seasons change … and I’M in for colder weather – look for ME on the divide …

OCTOBER 8, 2021: “At Home In The Queendom” …

October 8, 2021January 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, take a wild guess what the best thing I possess is? If you guessed, “Free reign over the truly divine peace in my soul and the most beautiful Queendom a woman could possibly reign over”, you would be correct!

I once heard it said that everything feels like home when you fall in love with someone who loves you back, and knowing what I know about life, love, and everything in between now, I’ve found that nothing could be further from the truth. As it turned out, the most important person I could ever have fallen in love with is was myself.

I promise I’m not bragging, but it’s a pretty spectacular Queendom in which I reign … “alone, NOT lonely” … just me and my other best friend, Jesus. That’s right, people! I’m a Jesus loving FREAK with a divinely punctuated soul that’s on FIRE every day of my life!

Please don’t get me wrong, though. GOD owns my soul, Jesus paid for it’s salvation, and the Holy Spirit brought the kingdom to dwell inside my body. As far as I’m concerned, that makes ME the safest fortress I’ve ever had, the most blessed woman on the face of this Earth, and God’s ACTUAL favorite daughter. It was me, and ONLY me, to whom my soul was meant to return. Wherever I am and wherever I go, I’M the best place that I can be, because I am my own true home, and the fire in my soul is the hearth that keeps the Lights on.

OCTOBER 5, 2021: “The Freedom” …

October 5, 2021December 4, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

And yet another bittersweet “October 5th” is here. His birthday. At first, I was at a loss for what to write about this morning, but after having drafted another “Quora Answer” that I wasn’t sure when I wanted to post, it struck me that TODAY was the day …

What Does “True Freedom” Mean To You?

To me, true freedom is having made peace with not only his death, but death in general, because most assuredly I say to you: DEATH HAPPENS! No one’s getting out of here alive, and as hard as it is to live on this Earth without our loved ones who have moved on, being able to release them from the mortal shackles they wore (and yes, we ALL wear mortal shackles) is, perhaps, one of the kindest, bravest, and selfless things we can do, not only ourselves, but their dearly departed souls. When a person has reached a point in their life where they no longer suffer through the experience of death, living in the moment becomes second nature, because they live in constant awareness that “the present” is all that really matters.

True freedom is having arrived at place where your happiness and self-worth aren’t derived solely from achieving every pleasure, dream, or wish you’ve ever had, or having every “thing” you thought you needed. It’s closing your eyes at night then waking up the next morning with total clarity and peace in your heart, not always “needing more”, and fully capable of living in each moment as it is.

True freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood, because they’re NOT, and that having blind faith in all the things we can’t know isn’t as scary it seems. Even if we’re wrong about the things we deaf, dumb, and BLINDLY believe, we’re still “halfway right”. As far as I’m concerned, “halfway right” is still a 50/50 odd, and I will gladly bet on it.

Last, but certainly not least, true FREEDOM is finally realizing that YOU are the only mortal person you can count on to survive this game with ’til the end, YOU are worthy of being your own best friend, biggest fan, and most loyal supporter, and YOU should be the greatest love story of your life! That’s when you’ve found your real home, by the way, and for the record, none of this “freedom”, or the peace of mind that comes with it, costs a single dime. Money is good to have, don’t get me wrong, but ZERO amounts of money can buy these freedoms for you. Only YOU can secure them for yourself.

I’m so thankful that I have achieved true freedom. I’ll close my eyes tonight knowing in my heart that I did the very best I could in everything I did, and that I’ve left no stone unturned. If I don’t wake up tomorrow? Imma be alright, ’cause I know what’s coming next and I’m not afraid. Now that I think of it? I think I’m starting to understand why I’m so fascinated by birds and anything with wings. Not only can they fly, but even more so than that, they always find the right place to call home. They’re beautiful, and free, and independent spirits, and anywhere they land can be their home. I guess in many ways I am like a bird. Sometimes I just watch them, because maybe I’m a little envious of all the ways they are free than I can only dream of. Then again, that’s probably how some people feel about me, so they watch me with envy, too, because I am free in all of the ways that they can only dream of. Maybe someday they will learn to just let go and GET HOME like me.

Happy Birthday and Godspeed Zachariah. Here’s hoping you are “Home” enjoying your eternal FREEDOM. I miss you, will always love you, and yes, you are still forgiven.

FREEDOM OF THE SEA

Standing on the shoreline, looking out to sea at oceans of Your hopes for me, just beyond my reach. I’ve been here on this island for way too many years, a prisoner of my comfort, a slave to my own fears. Doubt is saying, “got to stay”. Faith is saying, “sail away”! I know it’s safe here on the shore, but freedom is worth dying for. Liberation comes to those who hear the truth and sail with you. I’ll go where You are calling me. I’ll be what You meant me to be. I know the risk is real, but I wanna feel the freedom of the sea! With eyes to the horizon, mist against my face, I’ll leave behind this island in Your abounding grace. With Your word as my compass, I’ll chase my destiny. For I know the words of Your will can set my spirit free. Doubt is saying, “got to stay”, but I’m taking up the anchor! Faith is saying, “sail away”, and I’m heading for the deep! {Phillips, Craig & Dean}

OCTOBER 3, 2021: “I Cannot Say Enough!” …

October 3, 2021May 12, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear God,

Hi, it’s me again! Just a quick note on this beautiful October morning to say thank you for everything! No, but seriously … FOR EVERYTHING! I’m not sure why You felt that I deserved to have so much, but, You did, and, I do, and I cannot say enough what a truly thankful queen I am. I LOVE YOU!

~ Your Favorite Daughter❣️

(PS) Damn, You’re a talented artist! These two masterpieces are my “power and grace“. Okay, that’s all.

OCTOBER 3, 2021: “A Very Special Message” …

October 3, 2021April 13, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, I have a very special message for all of you from both the dearly departed and very much loved Chester Bennington, who, too, shared the same fate as my husband – AND – from God Himself. It’s pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes …

When you feel you’re alone – cut off from this cruel world – your instincts telling you to run. Listen to your heart. Those angel voices. They’ll see you to you – they’ll be your guide back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind. When you suffered it all, and your spirit is breaking. You’re growing desperate from the fight – REMEMBER YOUR LOVED – and you always will be. This melody will always bring you right back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind.

{Chester Bennington … Linkin’ Park}

And now a message from ME. It’s also pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes:

Chin Up!

Knuckles Out!

Don’t let all the darkness in this world snuff out your beautiful light and make you lose faith in the power of kindness and love.

OCTOBER 1, 2021: “I’ve Got His Six!” …

October 1, 2021September 8, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, I had to learn the bittersweet lesson that sometimes you actually do have to die inside a little (and sometimes even a lot) in order to be reborn into the strongest, wisest, most authentic version of yourself so you can leave this world a little better than you found it.

For the record, and as any good and loyal knucklehead already knows, this guy really DID die “once upon a time”, only to be reborn into the living phoenix he truly is. It’s the poignant yet beautiful tragedy of his truth that has led so many of us to find the brighter side of all our greys. The soul of my soul is what Ivan is to me, and I’ll forever be grateful for all the ways both his music and his “phoenix” changed my life for the better.

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! I’m Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True, a divine apostrophe, a giant mystery, and also a living phoenix. Good GRIEF, how in actual Heaven will any of you people ever be able to make a single bit of sense out of me? Meanwhile, I’m not gonna lie … seeing this gift I had made for one of my favorite ghosts of all resting on that spot behind him literally made my day. I’VE GOT IVAN’S SIX!

Phoenixes don’t fall – WE RISE – and we always stick together, even when we’re flying solo!

[FOOTNOTE DATED APRIL 12, 2023:] … and BY the way, people, I don’t just have HIS six! NOW he has MINE!

OCTOBER 1, 2021: “Hoovery MacHooverson” …

October 1, 2021May 25, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

228.

The exact number of days since the last time Hoovery MacHooverson, a/k/a the actual devil incarnate, reached out to but never heard back from me in yet another failed attempt to feed his MacLittleman ego:

Hey you! I was just thumbing through my text stream and realized that my text to you this morning was green, and I’m like “did you block me” and then I went straight to your voicemail when calling, so … did you block me before or after I sent you that text? And hey, I would REALLY value a conversation. Umm, I’m kind of at a loss. I got your texts, and I know your grappling with some things, but I’d really enjoy and value the opportunity to visit with you, so, please call me. I hope you’re well. Thinking about you. Bye bye.

You were just “thumbing through your text stream”, huh? Umm, NO, little man MacHoovy Hoove, you were checking your old supply! We all know that little narcissist boys just don’t like being bored or alone, and I Jean Claude Van DAMN bet that you’d REALLY “value” a conversation. What’s the matter MacHoovy? Are ya feeling unadored? Well now, ain’t that a kick in the go take a dirt nap ya purely evil mini-bastard!

ZERO amounts of manipulation or charming ever again shall there be, and ZERO are the chances that I’ll be rooked back into your snake pit. Wow! I guess I really do win, ’cause you very much MacLOSE! Now, go on and slither back to that empty chasm you call your soul and GO FUCK YOURSELF! In closing, I once again say this …

Unaffected. Unimpressed. Laughing my ass off yet again. This little man just doesn’t get it! With that, if you know this Diary at all, you know there’s a song for almost every chapter. Nope. Not this time. Music is my therapy. My happy place. MY EVERYTHING! All that remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words: STARVE LITTLE NARCISSIST BOY! STARVE!

{“Starving A Narcissist“}

SEPTEMBER 29, 2021: “I Know” …

September 29, 2021February 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

Today is one of those days when my own words wouldn’t do a bit of justice to the message I’m urgently trying to convey. Except, that is, to say that the best day of my life so far really was that day I finally understood that there are some things I will never need to understand and even more things I don’t care to “know”. Once I stopped trying to figure all this stuff out and trying to outthink all the things I cannot possibly ever fathom, I became as deaf, dumb, and blind as a bat, but as wise as the wisest sage.

All I know is what I know, nothing more, and nothing less. The rest is all in the hidden details that are way above my pay grade, so I’m leaving the lion’s share of heavy hitting and worrying up to The Pro. At the end of the day, perhaps one of my most powerful and precious “life nuggets” of wisdom is having finally learned is that my internal peace is much more important than literally driving myself insane trying to understand why some things happen they way they do and knowing when it’s time to just leave the overthinking I do up to God.

Where do I begin with what to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through – even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you – because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go … I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart … and holding tight to the few things that I know.

{“I Know” ~ Mercy Me}

Meanwhile, here’s one thing that I do know:

I know that I pray every single day and every single night for anyone out there who’s lost and searching for the answers to the REALLY big and heavy questions about God, faith, and every unanswered mystery that’s eating a hole in their soul. I pray that they somehow manage to heal themselves so deeply that they don’t even need to make sense of things anymore as their way making their way through this literal hell we call Earth and make peace with “not knowing”, but still believing.