… because SOME words are just MEANT to be strung together!

In these seemingly dark times, the world we live in makes it so easy to resist looking FAR beyond this place and selves for all the means and methods of mortal survival we could possibly know. What do we need God for? We can do everything on our own, right?

WRONG!

I look around and see wonder … and beauty … and joy … majesty … in all things big and small. “Everyone and everything“. It’s all woven together with a promise of hope that fills me with peace in my child-like blind faith and keeps me from resisting the path of least resistance!

When I saw these words today, this song immediately came to mind. It’s one of my favorite songs EVER, and this is the second time I’ve dropped it in this Diary! Every time I listen to it I’m reduced to the most beautiful, cathartic tears. My heart races, my skin chills, and reminded of the wonder of everything I see, no matter “how big or small”!

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.

{Elisabeth Kübler-Ross}

…. when it’s 365 days later and your formerly “shattered heart” has healed in ways that are still yet to fathom, such that now, as you’re sifting through the “9 years of joy in his eyes”, you are simply and unspeakably THANKFUL!

Thankful for the adventure!

Thankful for the laughs!

Thankful for the gifts!

I’m thankful for the honor of getting to be the ONLY two girls he ever gave his heart to, and that we were his first and last of EVERYTHING:

After realizing how I really felt about Gia as my child and realizing that no one in my life ever felt that for me it hit me that you were the first and only person in my life that ever truly loved me, chose me as THE top priority in their life and fought to help me get over myself but also fought to protect me from anything and everything harmful or defamatory including myself. Even though you didn’t do it for me you brought my daughter in to this world and promoted that relationship that I didn’t even know that I wanted and needed so bad until now. You made me a parent and it turned out that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me next to falling in love with you and your daughter. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for fostering my relationship with Gia and being there for me even when I was impossible to live with. I don’t deserve a lot of the things you have done and been for me and I will always owe you for everything.

{“Back To Us“}

This has been all but impossible to digest and nope, I will never turn a corner or look in any direction and not hear the sounds of their laughter, the traces of their smiles, or feel the bond that they shared in my atmosphere.

He was our miracle, but the joy in his eyes was the only true joy he ever had, so WE were his miracles, too! Despite how it ended, it was still a real fairytale, and we will wear the crowns he left behind for us with a smile for the rest of our lives. He was ours, we were his, and that’s the only truth we need to know. I believe with every shred of my being that God gathered all the Shards that were once my beautiful king’s heart, made him whole again, and took him Home where they’ll be waiting for me on The Brighter Side Of Grey.

PIECES

I’m here again, a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess – just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own. I’ve lost so much along the way. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole. I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am. Like puzzle pieces in Your eye. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole! I tried so hard! So hard! {Red}

People who take selfies are narcissistic and vain!

(The Former Mislead & Completely MISINFORMED “Not So REAL” Cat Williamson)

Yes, indeed, THOSE are the words I used to say about “selfies”! Upon further deliberation, however, I have since changed that narrative to something more like this:

Self-acceptance, self-LOVE, and SELF-appreciation are PERFECTLY okay in appropriate doses, if not a necessary evil, so, JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SELFIE!

If YOU don’t love you, 100% unconditionally, EVEN on your darkest of days, and value, see, and TREAT yourself as EPIC living masterpiece that you are, why would anyone else?

In honor of “National Selfie Day“, here’s a little gift in the form of wisdom for those of you who refuse to jump on board the train for fear of people thinking you’re a self-grandioso, conceited “WHOOPEE! LOOK AT ME!” bus just waiting to run them over with your ego …

If it’s true (and it is) that we should treat others as we wish to be treated, isn’t it about time that you finally reach for a place of self-love, acceptance, and healing in your journey? Not only are YOU the one who “gets” to spend the most time of all with YOU, the last time I checked, The Big does NOT make trash! If HE loves and adores you, SO SHOULD YOU!

Hi everyone, it’s, me, CAT! I am Fifty-ONE-Derful years old and fearfully and wonderfully made! So, please excuse the mess … I didn’t see it from behind. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine.

{“The Better Version Of You“}

I truly love who I’ve become and the places that I’ve been! Thanks be to GOD that I’m no longer riding shotgun with that “other” version for the next fifty years. She was her own worst enemy, not a fan of ME at all, and didn’t deserve the crown that now adorns my head.

With that, I want to challenge YOU to post a selfie very soon. It’s okay to love yourself, as long as you’re doing it from a humble place, always keepin’ it real, and being mindful that you’re “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT“!

Some days I wake up with endless words to say, while others find me trapped in the silence that often accompanies my waves. Like this morning, for instance. She sent me this selfie she snapped while she was at her Dad’s playing in her make-up bag last night. When I saw it it took my breath away! How is that after all the mistakes I’ve made and the wrongs I could never make right that, she is this?

She is everything a mother could pray for her living legacy to be, and this world I’m lucky enough to live in with her is so much better with her in it. There aren’t that many people that know the magnitude of what she’s been through, but those who do find it no surprise that she IS her mother’s daughter. Please also let me include my very handsome first born in this regard, because well, he, too, is one of the strongest survivors I’ve ever known. Damn, just look at this people! I’VE MADE TWO MASTERPIECES!

So, with that, I’ll let these two pictures speak the volume of words I can’t possibly begin to quantify, with the exception of these words, because in this very moment, they’re exactly what I need to say to my son and daughter …

YOU’RE GONNA BE

Six pounds and nine ounces lookin’ up at me like I have all the answers. I hope I have the ones you need. I’ve never really done this. Now I know what scared is. Sometimes I’ll protect you from everything that’s wrong. Other times I’ll let you just find out on your own. But that’s when you’ll be growin’, and the whole time I’ll be knowin’ …

You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be.

I’m afraid you’ll have to suffer through some of my mistakes. Lord knows I’ll be trying, oh to give you what it takes. What it takes to know the difference between getting by and livin’. ‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. Just know you’ll have to live with all the choices that you make. So, make sure you’re always givin’ way more than you’re takin’.

You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you just hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … someone’s everything. You’re gonna see just what you are to me.

You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … always loved by me.

{Reba McEntire}

There comes a point in every parent’s life when all of a sudden it just hits them in the face, “WOW, this is how I’m doing.” A few nights ago, this little 3am “quarantine conversation” happened with my beautiful, SPARTAN daughter, and indeed I was punched in the face with the reality that something I’m doing is RIGHT, and indeed my “legacy” is an enigma! Every mother’s child has that one special gift, but this child’s mother is in awe, and by the way: I MADE HER!

We can’t just tell them what they’re wings are made for then sit back and “hope for the best”. We have to actually show them! And if, like me, as an imperfect parent you somehow manage to break their wings while they’re learning how to fly? ACCOUNT to yourself, AND to them, APOLOGIZE for letting them down, then pick yourself up and try again … TOGETHER!

I hope you enjoy this video. It’s a little long, but well worth watching. Meanwhile, here’s to learning why the callouses on our feet can be a useful! And hey, future son-in-law, wherever in the world you are right now – YOU’RE WELCOME! Or, I’m sorry, whichever is more applicable! 

… that moment your memory is reminded once again that it was “6 years ago” you “remembered” … and how lucky are you to be the luckiest women you’ve ever known, because now you have not one king, but two living safely in your heart, and some women never find one at all …

THE HEART WILL GO ON

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go ’til we’re gone. Love was when I loved you, one true time I’d hold to. In my life we’ll always go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. You’re here, there’s nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We’ll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on. {Celine Dione}

Today was an important day for me, if not one of the most important decision-making days of not only my life, but my the kids’ lives as well. I won’t go into details of what exactly this decision was, but trust me when I tell you – it was a biggie! As I made the drive from home to downtown Dallas, it was a crisp, cold, insanely beautiful morning with a sky bright blue and clear. Yet, as sure that I was that the decision I was making was the right one, I spent the entire drive there talking out loud to God, my angels, my husband, and pretty much anyone “beyond here” who was listening.

I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!

I was begging for an answer,

Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?

Even after I parked and was headed into the building and up the elevator, I was reaching out to the Cosmos for, “please, just ONE little sign?” STILL CRICKETS! Even so, all was well, because I knew that Zack’s best friend, rock, truest confidant, and the only human man he ever trusted and looked to as a father in all things big or small was already there waiting waiting for me to help guide me through the process. Just his presence alone was enough to set me completely at ease.

When I finally made it to the office where the woman I was meeting with was waiting, I sat down beside Rick and the fun began. By the second hour in, our partnership had commenced, at which point Rick had to leave. Research was being done, calls were being made, and forms being prepared for my signature while I just sat there patiently in my chair watching all the magic. This woman was was literally planning not just my future, but my childrens’.

Meanwhile, as I was gazing around her office at all the “things“, it felt as though I was in my very own world. Then, as I glanced over to a table with a vignette of personal pictures and trinkets she had on display, it happened! The sign I had BEGGED “Them” to show me all but dropped right down from Heaven! A little silver frog with a crown on his head was sitting right before my eyes! I almost came out of my skin! And just like that I was yet again reminded that this God I serve is so faithful.

Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?”

No, Papa, You don’t. You’ve been making a believer out of me since I first realized I was broken, and while I’ve clearly known this all the while, this moment between us was unbelievable. You just keep showing me … and showing UP for me … in all things big and small. I want You to know that I’m thankful for ALL OF THIS, and I know You’re planning to use it for Your glory. Thank you for never letting me down and never letting me go. I love You.

IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

You say you fell out of love with no place to stand. You say your heart’s on the mend from a broken romance. You say you don’t want to trust because it hurts too much. And you think I’d never understand. Tell me what have I got to do to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You say, you don’t need my love but I know it’s a lie. You say I shouldn’t even try. Tell me what have I got to lose to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You need me to turn the tide of your ocean. Let me set your heart back into motion. {Clay Crosse}

First of all, I am sorry that you are struggling this way. And if you truly have no other resources, there are two things I can suggest: Music; “Open forums” such as this. I believe that finding and listening to ALL types of music can often help a person get to the root of what is really eating them up inside and then maybe even empower them to rise above all of it. Music is a way of singing to yourself, saying “love words and thoughts” to yourself, and hey, in certain cases, even SCREAMING TO YOURSELF (and other people or relationships in your life that you may be struggling on the inside but don’t feel comfortable enough to say certain things “out loud or to their face”). Second, these “open forums”, such as Quora, are indeed a good resource. Keep looking for the answers you are searching here and you will perhaps find that not only are you not as alone as you may have originally thought, but, that the vast majority of the population does truly care anout one another and wants to see others stick around. We all need one another … even a bunch of random strangers such as “here”. Take care of yourself friend. Keep the faith. Chin up. You are worth so much more than anything less than the very best thoughts and acts of kindness for YOU!

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

I wanted to share my response to a Quora submission I recently made. My excitement, however, is NOT about my pride over the staggering amount of “views, shares and comments”. It’s about the fact that SO many people from around the world are talking about it. You know? That very unpopular monster “IT”: Mental Illness. The awareness is spreading and the stigma is being reduced one “real conversation” at a time:

Hello my fellow Quorans. Please allow me a moment to generally respond to all of your overwhelmingly supportive and reflective comments and say THANK YOU! Although I have, indeed, and will continue to read each and every one of them, because there are only so many hours in the day, time will not permit that. So let me just say this: If there is a general consensus to be made here, it’s that this subject, “mental health”, and more so than that, what appears to be the very much declining mental health of a vast majority of the population, is something on ALL our minds these days. Rightfully so! Life isn’t as simple as it used to be, and I personally find it to be a rat race more than ever. Sadly, it does appear to be getting harder for even the strongest among us to just “exist”. Especially inasmuch as there is also that other general consensus if not “elephant in the room”, that the family system is truly breaking down. (See also, “Nowhere Kids“) To each his own” is NOT always the best way, to which as a digression I say this: Whatever your “family” looks like (because, yes, the “modern family picture” has changed), embrace it! If you have a “tribe”, no matter the different walks of life you all arrived from, cherish it! Protect it with all you have! We need each other folks! It is true … just look at this forum we’re all on. Look how this question has banded us all together “like a tribe”. Do you agree? It is highly likely that there aren’t a lot of us on this thread who are educated “medical professionals” with either psychiatric or psychology degrees. From what I can see, we’re all coming together this way with our own very personal, real, and first-hand knowledge of this subject. Call it “mental health awareness”, or, if you’d rather, just call it, “a bunch of broken people banding together to try and find a way either out of our own darkness or to try and find a way to help someone else out of theirs! In some circumstances, a forum such as this may be the ONLY resource someone has to try and find their way out of whatever Hell they’re living in. If you are on this site, chances are that you’re here because you just want to “know things” so that you can somehow help, too! Inquiring minds typically WANT to know and NEED to know for all the right reasons. We can learn from and feed off one another’s experiences so that we can then take “all of this” out THERE onto our own streets and try to make a difference. Even a TINY change in every our life cycles can make a difference! In my mind, I am nothing more and nothing less than anyone else. Do my life experiences matter? They sure as Hell do! But in the big scheme of things, I’m just so very small. My story? My husband’s story? YOUR stories? They’re but tiny blips on this infinite radar we call life. Small as I may be, I see myself as a pebble. I’m a pebble that’s been dropped in the ocean! Everything I do, think, or say is creating a ripple into a future that I myself may never see. We‘re ALL just pebbles my friends. Beautiful little pebbles with the power to change EVERYTHING if we just open our hearts and minds to the “bigger than us” perspective and share it. Thank you all for reading me. I have to be honest right now in saying that, yes, it’s been exactly 171 days since the one true love of my life put a gun to his head and turned my world literally upside down. I have long since made it my purpose with whatever days I am lucky enough to have left here of my own to try to be the BEST damn pebble I can possibly be, because it’s the right thing to do, and also, my kids are watching! All of your words and thoughts here have truly strengthened my faith, hope and spirit, and I am grateful. Imagine that? Thousands of random strangers from thousands of different places just lifted me, a random stranger, even higher out of my darkest hours than I thought was possible. If you are on this forum because you are indeed an “inquiring mind that just wants to know and help”, you’re a rock star and a pebble and my kind of vibe and TRIBE! We can all do this if we just stick together this way. We CAN make a difference. Much love to all of you. ROCK ON! Or is that “pebble on”? Hee!

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

MAKE A WAVE

They say the beat of a butterfly’s wings can set off a storm a world away. What if they’re right and the smallest of things could power the strongest hurricane? What if it all begins inside? We’d hold the key that turns the tide. Just a pebble in the water can set the sea in motion. A simple act of kindness can stir the wildest ocean. If we show a little love. Heaven knows what we could change. So throw a pebble in the water and make a wave. The single choice to take us change. Have reached at your hand to someone in need? Don’t fool yourself and say you can’t. You never know what can grow from just one seed. So come with me and seize the day. This world may never be the same. Just a pebble in the water … can set the sea in motion. {Joe Jonas & Demi Lovato}