APRIL 1, 2022: “Show Me A Sign” …

April 1, 2022November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… ’cause when you see a random picture then immediately hear one of your “Top 10” favorite life songs playing in your head, you know said picture wasn’t random:

Show me a sign to a light that shines one direction into another … sheltered peace of mind.

No, this isn’t just a random picture of a rock star hugging his daughter. It’s a message of hope and healing to every parent in this jacked up world who is hell bent on changing the generational curses and toxic narratives that have haunted their family tree for years.

This picture represents the unconditional love between a parent and their child that refuses to give up, and the possibility of better things to come for families like mine that have been broken by mental illness, addiction demons, and toxic cycles of their own. If you know, YOU KNOW … if you don’t, YOU DON’T … and if you don’t, you should literally get down on your knees and thank the heavens and stars.

Somewhere I lost a piece of memory, but somehow, I know my legs will carry me. Searching for circle’s end, hoping the wounds will mend.

Yes, it’s true. Somewhere I have lost so many pieces of my memory. But then again, no, I really haven’t. You see, it’s all the little jacked up, fucked up, and also very beautiful mental nuggets I keep stored in this rabbit-hole head of mine that keep me safely anchored to my own soul while I’m out there perpetually searching for the circle’s end. It’s also why I’m cosmically drawn to other “apostrophes” in this world who somehow manage to crash my pity parties with signs like these of positivity and optimism right on cue when my burgeoning pessimism needs to be redirected into better and more constructive thinking. It’s how I’ve managed to become the “nothing, everything, and all of it” that I am, and truth being told, I wouldn’t have it any other fucking way.

Today has been a very good day and I’m thankful for this “light in the dark”. Truth being told, I’ve been kinda struggling with some tired old, familial demons of my own as of late, so I really needed to see this picture and the video that inspired it to remind me to keep looking for the signs of hope as my legs carry me forward as the living embodiment of power and grace I’ve truly become.

As and aside, if you ever actually read this Ivan, please know that I am so beyond proud to know you, my Phoenix friend, even prouder of your “little girl”, and forever grateful for the many unintentional ways your journey has intersected with mine as my paths keep changing from one direction into another and I cross all these bridges alone (but never lonely). If that voice of yours was only ever meant to reach just one other person’s ears and make their internal voices a little messy, then I’d say you’re doing a bang up job! I hear you, see you, and feel you loud and clear, and I know I’m not the only one. Much love to you and yours, my friend. Keep on keepin’ on one day and “little nugget” at a time!

INTO ANOTHER

Slowly I heal the love that’s found its way on to another path in times of change. Crossing that bridge alone, hoping our strength will hold. Should they let go then let me lay. Let me lay. Show me a sign to a light that shines one direction into another – sheltered peace of mind. Somewhere I lost a piece of memory, but somehow I know my legs will carry me. Searching for circle’s end, hoping the wounds will mend. Should this scar, then it was meant to be. {Skid Row}

MARCH 23, 2022: “Change The Channel PLEASE!” …

March 23, 2022April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I’ve said it before,

and I’ll say it again …

This ever-lovin’ man bashing biz is getting about as old as the crotchety, hate-filled, unkind women who will surely only grow as old and bitter as their toxic minds, tongues, hearts, and souls that are stuck on this same old tired channel.

REMEMBER …

It really does take two to tango, and umm, the last time I checked, Jesus’ beloved and truly saintly mother, Mary, is no longer here on the face of this Earth, so unless and until some crotchety and bitter man-hating bitch can show me the perfect human woman, I’m not standing for this “ALL MEN ARE” complete and total BULLSHIT narrative anymore. It’s getting tired, and old, and the horse is beaten and dead now. Mmmmkay? Thanks!

MARCH 19, 2022: “New York! New York!” …

March 19, 2022April 24, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

NEW YORK!

Over Spring Break, I was both privileged and honored to have chaperoned a week-long trip to New York City sponsored by the art department at Gia’s high school. Fifteen teenagers, four museums, three Broadway shows, all five boroughs, and a lifetime of beautiful memories for she and I to add to our ever-growing adventure passport.

Of course, it goes without saying that given the less-than-optimal circumstances we could have been left in with Zack’s way too early departure, not only might I not have been able to even afford to send her on this trip, but I also probably wouldn’t have been able to chaperone it, either. With that, she and I were both ever mindful of the abundant blessings in our life courtesy of him, and rather than being said that he wasn’t actually there with us, we reveled in the pure joy of knowing that if, as we suspect, he can still see what we are doing, he was smiling ear to ear watching us live out our dreams and the many wishes he had for her. I didn’t take as many pictures as I could of, because I wanted to live this experience through my OWN lens and not the camera’s. These are just some highlights.

As and aside, I absolutely love New England, always have, always will, and being uprooted and whisked away LITERALLY overnight from my home, my childhood, grandfather, aunts, uncles, family, cousins, and one of the most beautiful places in this country was, indeed, my first true childhood “trauma”.

Meanwhile, it looks as though Gia is hooked, lined, and SINKERED, and will be going to art and design school somewhere on the east coast! I find no irony in this … just a beautiful, bittersweet circle in my life which a GAPING hole in it that will be coming into its full completion.

After everything this child has had to endure in life thus far, seeing the pure joy and true love for the overall New England vibe and aesthetic made my heart so happy. I believe with everything in my soul that New England is where she truly belongs. Only time will tell, I suppose, but now IS the time for her to start touring campuses. I’m down with that plan and also very excited for her!

MARCH 19, 2022: “The Price We Pay To Play” …

March 19, 2022May 11, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Useless news flash for all of you: Today is both “World Monopoly Day” and it’s 81st birthday! Yes, my friends, it was on this day eight decades ago that the iconic, monocle sporting, sharp dressed little dude we all know and love, “Rich Uncle Penny Bags” was born!

So, in keeping with the game play theme, I want to share something kinda poignant I’ve learned about playing games over the years … that is … there is a price to pay for rolling the dice. And no, I’m not necessarily talking about the metaphorical life games we play with peoples’ hearts and minds, I’m talking about the actual games we play for fun and jest like our beloved Monopoly.

You really can learn a lot about not just other people, but yourself as well, when playing recreational “games” with them. Watch how a person plays any kind of game, be them board games, cards, video games, and even sports, and you’ll catch a fairly authentic glimpse of not just their personality, but how they handle and present themselves in everyday, social, and business settings as well. If you pay close enough attention, you’ll likely be able to see their:

🎲 Ethics

🎲 Morality

🎲 Honesty

🎲 Integrity

🎲 Patience

🎲 Humility

🎲 Priorities

🎲 Generosity

🎲 Jealousy

🎲 Coping Skills

If you pay even closer enough attention, you may be able to see their:

👉🏼 Ability to hold random conversations.

👉🏼 Sense of entitlement if there is one.

👉🏼 Ability to compromise and be flexible.

👉🏼 Ability to collaborate.

👉🏼 Ability to share.

👉🏼 Overall life goals and motivation.

👉🏼 Attitude about people in general.

Ya wanna know what kind of person you’re really dealing with in “real life”? Challenge them to a game of Monopoly, pop some popcorn, and observe! Of all the things you can garner about a person’s personality, many of which aren’t even listed above, perhaps the most telltale sign of who and what they really are is their attitude whether they win or lose. Do they accept defeat with anger, resentment, jealously, and tantrum, or do they accept it with a “win some or lose some” grain of salt”? Or if they win, do they become a pompous in your face ASSHOLE, or just stay humble and thankful that “this time” they won because “sometimes they don’t”?

Truth being told, I myself have learned a great many things about my own children, God love them both, having both watched and played play board games with them over the years. As it turns out, I’ve raised one shark and one saint, neither of whom I’ll identify by name to either protect their guilt or save their face, lol.

Meanwhile, one of my darlings has been known to literally flip the Monopoly board upside down in a fit of rage when the game isn’t going their way and takes great personal offense when they can’t manage to con someone into selling them ALL the prime real estate on the bougie block of the board. That’s also the same child who shows no mercy whatsoever when people land on their Boardwalk hotel and have to forfeit the game. Meanwhile, much like me, my other one simply walks away from lost board games like, “So what, I lost, but DAMN that was fun!” That’s the same one who feels awful and shares more than an abundance of grace, often to their own demise, when someone lands on their Boardwalk and is on the brink of their own demise.

I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN telling you people – BOARD GAMES are the “real deal” when it comes to reading people. And by the way, as I said at the beginning, this “game playing test” also works for ourselves. As I’ve gotten older and really homed in on the process of self-discovery, awareness, and accountability, I, too, have “checked and balanced myself” when I was playing a game by really thinking about “why” I either did or didn’t react in certain ways or think, say, or do certain things:

Damn, girl, why’d you do that? It’s JUST a game?”

… or …

Damn, girl, why’d you do that? Don’t you even WANT to win this game?

As far as I’m concerned, and in case you haven’t already figured this out by now in reading through my Diary, there really is a message in every moment and something to be learned in the process and outcome of every single thing in which we endeavor. EVEN SILLY BOARD GAMES! Yes, there sure is a price to pay for “playing games” with the truly discerning amongst us, that being the risk of showing who you really are. By the time the game is over though, the end will have justified the means, ’cause let’s be honest, folks, these days it’s getting harder to tell the difference between real and make believe. Whether or not we like it or will admit it, so many people are hiding from even themselves and pretending to be someone they’re not, so if Monopoly is what it takes to get someone to speak their truth with the simple roll of a dice, let the games begin!

PRICE TO PLAY

Fail to see how destructive we can be. Taking without giving back ’til the damage can be seen. Can you see? Can you see? The more you take, the more you blame, but everything still feels the same. The more you hurt the more you scream. The price you pay to play the game. Then all you see and all you gave and all you step on with no shame. There are no rules, no one to blame. The price to play the game. Empathy, the chosen way to be. Blindly look the other way while you waste away with me. Can you see? Can you see? The more you take, the more you blame, but everything still feels the same. The more you hurt the more you scream. The price you pay to play the game. {Staind}

MARCH 13, 2022: “Like Water In A Cup” …

March 13, 2022November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment she sends you the screen shots of a conversation she had with a friend who’s in the midst of a struggle with her truly and insidiously toxic mother, only to read it and discover once again that yes, she really is listening to you, and yes, your dream for her really is coming true.

If you’ve been around this Diary long enough, by now you know I have a song for every moment, and in every one of my moments there’s a song. If I had a dollar for the countless number of times I’ve listened to and belted this one out loud to myself as a battle cry to remind me of exactly what I’m fighting for, then I’d could feed the world.

Do you want me to just listen, give you my thoughts, or offer advice? What would help you the most right now?

Pray GOD, how many times have I said those very words to her?

Everyone’s love is like water in a cup. The water in their cup is what they have to give …

And how many times have I said those exact words to her, too? I’m not gonna lie, folks, not 2.5 milliseconds after reading those words, “like water in a cup”, the waterworks began and I swear to HEAVEN that the first thought that came to my mind was the “the dream” in the words of this song.

My Mona Lisa made very much made me smile today, because after all that has been said and done, it’s becoming clearer to me each day that everything I’ve been praying for, fighting for, and dreaming about for her is coming to fruition.

As and aside, my daughter is far from perfect, just like her perfectly imperfect mom, and by no means am I attempting to canonize her into sainthood. She’s a normal and hormonal teenage girl, my friends, and truth being told, there are days when that little brat takes me toe to toe and drives me up literal walls. But if only you knew just exactly what she has been through in this lifetime thus far, and the actual demons she’s had to slay, you, like me, would be more inclined to expect that she’d have not only become a demon herself by now, but an extra cold and black one at that. She’s been broken in ways that no women should ever be broken, yet here she is spewing love, light, empathy, patience, understanding, and validation for another human being’s condition instead of the jaded toxicity that often accompanies the victims of the unfathomable crimes against her.

Likewise, by no means am a perfect parent. I have admittedly made way more than my fair share of mistakes, fails, and blunders. But this girl? My masterpiece? Although I have often felt that I don’t deserve her, evidently God believed I did, so, he charged me with her care even despite myself. She is every diamond in my jewel encrusted crown and exactly who I hope to be if and when I grow up. The more time passes, the more I can’t help but wonder whether my single greatest purpose and contribution to this world isn’t something I’m gonna do, but the children that I am raising.

SHE is my utmost achievement. SHE is the voice that will surely linger on as she continues lighting fires of her own with not just my words, but the brave and wise words of her own. SHE is the living expression of my life’s every song, and I am so blessed to call her my daughter. Today, as always, my “cup” truly runneth over.

TO MY DAUGHTER,

If you wanna lead, be a leader. If you wanna dream, be a dreamer. Climb to the top of that mountain and SCREAM IT, but, remember when you get to the top … everything you say is gonna matter … everything you do is gonna add up. It’s what I’ve asked for. So, don’t lose heart when it’s not what you thought. Careful now, girl – avoid those Jezebel ways. Don’t wear a crown on your head, but be a queen of clichés. Soon you’ll be playing with the big girls, so make sure that you’re ready when it comes around!

If you wanna preach, be a preacher. If you wanna teach, be a teacher. Remember that the footprints you’re leaving will tell us all who you really are. Never forget to remember your worth … instead of spreading your legs, please just use your words. Character is shown by the things that we do. The one thing you’re never gonna hide is the truth. ‘Cause anyone can sell when they’re selling out, and anyone can fly when they’re falling down.

I had a dream that YOU were born a generation to behold! Lighting fires with your words instead of useless smoke that blurs the lines of right and wrong; expression that lives on; my army with a song that will linger when I’m gone. I had a dream!

{Adaptation of “I Had A Dream” by Kelly Clarkson}

MARCH 6, 2022: “I’m A Bitch, I’m A (Fill In The Blank)” …

March 6, 2022August 28, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

Why yes,

YES, IT’S TRUE!

I really am THE nicest bitch on the face of this planet, and this is me taking a moment for glorious pause, to loudly, proudly, and somewhat bitchily say …

Dear World,

Sometimes I hate the world today. It’s been so good to me, I know, but I won’t change. I’ve tried to tell you, but you look at me like maybe I’m an angel underneath, but I’m not so innocent and sweet.

Yesterday I cried. You must have been relieved to see the softer side. I can understand how you’d be so confused. I don’t envy you. I’m a little bit of everything all rolled into one.I’m a bitch. I’m a lover. I’m a child. I’m a mother. I’m a sinner. I’m a saint, and I do not feel ashamed. I’m your hell. I’m your dream. I’m nothing in between. You know you wouldn’t want it any other way.

So, take me as I am. This may mean you’ll have to be a stronger person. Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous and I’m going to extremes, tomorrow I will change and today won’t mean a thing.

Just when you think you’ve got me figured out, the season’s already changin’. I think it’s cool you do what you do, but please don’t try to save me.

Lol! I’m an experience, that’s for sure. To truly know me is to truly love me, but only the worthiest of the worthy will ever get to say I truly love them back. If you know, you know. If you don’t, you don’t. If you did, but then pissed your chance away to stay on the much brighter side of all my blacks and greys, well, sorry, but I’m not that damn sorry aboutcha at all. You snooze, you lose, and so the story goes.

For the record, there’s literal angel dust beneath my feet that are very much planted both on the ground and above it both at once, and just enough fire and ash to keep me perfectly imperfectly balanced and always soaring and balanced above this sea of madness I temporarily call home.

I’m truly am “nothing, everything, and ALL OF IT“, but hey, at least I know EXACTLY who I fuck am and I own it – sometimes raving BITCH AND ALL! Riddle me this, my friends … exactly how many people in this world have you or will you ever know who will happily and proudly admit that there the most worthless, useless, AND valuable commodity anyone could ever have the privilege of knowing? I’m guessing the answer is, “Yah, maybe not so much.”

So, with that … I bid you adieu … ’cause this temporary bitch session is now over.

MARCH 1, 2022: “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” …

March 1, 2022September 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“

I always knew I was a dust. But I never knew I was also a universe.

{Akiane Kramarik}

I saw this powerful quote today that really hit close to home. It was kinda like a sucker punch, but in every best possible way:

Do not think that enlightenment is going to make you special. IT’S NOT! If you feel special in any way, then enlightenment has NOT occurred.

{“Adyashanti“}

That’s it! I knew I was on to something the moment I finally realized that:

I am EVERYTHING …

… because I’m NOTHING!

I’ve said it before, but please just let me say it again. It wasn’t until I realized that in the much bigger picture, I am but a grain of sand in a boundless desert, a minuscule pebble in a shoreless ocean, and a singular blip on life’s radar of infinite sights, sounds, echoes, and discoveries. No one can become “everything and ALL OF IT” unless they first become “nothing at all”. It’s the one great paradox in our meaningless yet profound existence that makes us truly magnificent.

Your ego wants you to win so you feel good about yourself. Yet it’s exactly the ego itself that’s sabotaging you from winning. The paradox… Killing the ego before it becomes big is a great way to sustain a happy life … because once it gets enough power, you’ll start to beat yourself up for small stuff. It’s a guaranteed way to cripple yourself.

(“Inside Out Mastery” by Mick de Boers)

For the record …

I wholeheartedly believe that every little grain of sand, every tiny pebble, and every singular blip on life’s radar is purposed and destined for something much more powerful than even the wisest mortal mind that’s existed could ever know. There’s magic in accepting and embracing our all but invisible yet infinitely powerful place in “all of this”. This is also probably why I am such a fierce proponent of letting everyone live life on their own terms with no judgement.

Sounds crazy, right? Well, then fit for me a straight-jacket and send me back to the psyche ward. My blind faith in something way more significant than me has been a concern for many. It’s not at all uncommon for people to laugh at me and my childlike beliefs. BEEN THERE! DON’T CARE! At least I know my place in all of this, and trust me when I say that it’s both pointless and powerful at once. I am literally nothing more than a singular spec of dust in an atmosphere which 99.99999% of humanity will ever breathe – and! I’M OKAY WITH THAT! Only time will tell the tale, so, I guess we’ll just have to see who’s laughing in the end.

I really AM just like the Sun. I’ll burn out your eyes, get under your skin, then blow out your eardrums with my words. I speak the TRUTH, damnit! So, love me or hate me, ’cause I literally just don’t care. Nothing about me is anyone else’s concern unless I allow it to be, just as NOTHING anyone thinks about me is any of mine. I’m the FIRST of me and the last of me, ’cause there’s never gonna be another one LIKE me, and I’m STILL the luckiest woman on this planet!

{“God’s Favorite Daughter“}

In the meantime, and as I said on Valentine’s Day just a couple of weeks ago:

Nevertheless, always remember that my last singular blip on this life’s radar will never truly be my last, as I, too, will travel the distance in your eyes … Interstellar … light years from you. Like a Supernova, we’ll fuse when we collide, awaking in the Light of all the stars aligned. You see, love really is the one thing that transcends time and space, and I know this with every shred of my being, because even though I cannot see Him, I feel the unyielding love and presence of the Supernova of all Supernovas … God … the one Who is always watching over me across the sky through the greatest telescope of all.

{“Supernova Telescopes“}

… but in keeping more with this Diary entry, I also say this:

So, say the word and I’ll be running back to find you. A thousand armies won’t stop me. I’ll break through. I’ll soar the endless skies for only one sight of your starlight.

That’s when you’ll realize just how truly magnificent I really was!

STARLIGHT

Stardust in you and in me. Fuse us into unity. Primeval, we’re coupled, born from the Universe. Farewell. The void is calling. Don’t fear, for futures and dreams – they’re fleeting, retreating. It’s ok, I promise. I don’t know what to say, but I’m going to want you till the stars evaporate. We’re only here for just a moment in the Light. One day it shines for us the next we’re in the night. So, say the word and I’ll be running back to find you. A thousand armies won’t stop me. I’ll break through. I’ll soar the endless skies for only one sight of your starlight. Tell me. Just tell me to stay. I’ll turn. I won’t look away. I’ll stay here. I’ll never go, but you don’t feel the same. Farewell. Farewell and Godspeed. Light years between you and me. I’m fading. Your beauty conquers the darkness. At night the Earth will rise and I’ll think of you each time I watch from distant skies. Whenever stars go down and galaxies ignite, I’ll think of you each time they wash me in their Light and fall in love with you again and I will find you. A thousand armies won’t stop me I’ll break through. I’ll soar the endless skies for only one sight of your starlight. Don’t leave me lost here forever. Show me your starlight and pull me through. Don’t leave me lost here forever. I need your starlight and pull me through. Bring me back to you. {Starset}

FEBRUARY 20, 2022: “The Chronicles Of MacHoovery” …

February 20, 2022May 25, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

…then one day I woke up and realized that the narcissist I almost allowed to destroy my mind, my belief in love, and EVEN my faith in God, was actually a weak, pathetic, insecure JOKE of a “man”. If I so much as even think about him now, I laugh to myself, “Lol. What a fucking pussy!” The power he once had over me is MINE, always was, and is EVERYTHING, because queens don’t hand over the reigns to their kingdom to ANYONE less than a king!

(“Then One Day I Woke Up“)

At this point, these chronicles are getting kinda funny. Be it known, however, that although this Diary entry is dated February 20, 2022, because that’s when the little fucker called me yet again, I didn’t find it on my phone until a week later.

Why is that you ask? Well, my friends, “Catherine Marie” (throwing up in my own mouth) has left the building, Satan is BLOCKED and DISREGARDED, and long gone are the days that I go digging through fuckin’ trashcans. Well, wait. I take that back. Rebirthing and reinventing seemingly useless things is one of my favorite things to do, but only if that garbage is worth my time and attention.

Meanwhile …

Yah. I Jean-Claude Van Damn BET you’d enjoy visiting with me, but, umm, this living queen no longer associates herself with the devil’s spawn. So, no, THANK YOU you inglorius LITTLE bastard. You lose. I WIN!

FEBRUARY 17, 2022: “Talking To Girls” …

February 17, 2022February 17, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

My son has been “on the market” for going on 15 years now if you count back to age 16, and up until now, there has only been one who I truly loved (and still do). But umm, Jean-Claude Van DAMN she was definitely NOT “the one” for him. Those two took “toxic” to a totally different level, not to mention the fact that they were both literally just kids when they met.

Now, fast forward to “here we are” fifteen long years later, and I’m sitting here literally praying that he’s finally learning how to talk to girls, because God Himself knows he didn’t always have the best examples of that. When Zack came along, he literally flipped the game board of our lives upside down for the better, “talking to girls” took on a whole different meaning, and Christian finally had a good example.

Meanwhile … THIS girl? She’s literally turning him inside out in all the best ways possible, and I’d be lying my face off if I said I wouldn’t actually kill him if he lets her get away. A mother can dream, right? I guess that only time will tell.

FEBRUARY 16, 2022: “You Can Come To MY House, Too!” …

February 17, 2022November 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

First of all, and not that it matters, but NO, I’m not gay. I do, however, know, support, and dearly love many who are. Second of all, dare I say how ironic the powerful words I made into the image above are after having heard them spoken by one of “The Real Housewives“? Why is it that, you ask? Well, my rather non-dramatical, polar opposite of me “Mona Lisa” daughter has always laughed, if not shuddered at the fact that I even watch those shows in the first place:

Really, mother? You’re watching the NOT so real housewives AGAIN?

Meanwhile, tonight I caught this little gem between Heather “Fancy Pants” Dubrow and her daughter that reduced me to tears:

If only you knew how many times I’ve had broken children literally sobbing in my arms because their parents just can’t fuckin’ deal. It’s gross, heartbreaking, and unacceptable. Not on my watch, Jesus. NOPE! Wait! Did I just say “fuckin'” and Jesus in the same paragraph? Why, yes. Yes, I did. Have I told you that I’m still a work in process? Meanwhile, I’ve digressed, but sufficed to say that this momma don’t play the hate game like that, nor will she ever turn her back on a child who needs to hear these words:

I hear you.

I see you!

I accept you!

I LOVE YOU!

You’re SAFE here!

Did you know that the CDC says that SUICIDE is the second leading cause of death among young people, with LGBTQ youth being FOUR times more likely to seriously consider, plan, attempt, or succeed at suicide than their peers? No. JUST NO! My heart literally aches every night as I close my eyes knowing there are kids in this world who cry themselves to sleep because their parents are the ones driving the biggest knives through their hearts of all.

🏳️‍🌈 We all bleed red.

🏳️‍🌈 We all poop brown.

🏳️‍🌈 We all breathe air.

🏳️‍🌈 We all deserve TO LOVE and BE LOVED in ANY color!

To all you asshole parents moms who would refuse your own flesh and blood because their “color” isn’t quite working out for you, I’m kinda thinking that Hell, fire, and damnation are best left up to The Pro. I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN sorry I’m NOT SORRY to say that I think some of you are gonna be surprised to see how it’s all gonna play out in the end. But that’s a different Diary entry for another day.

Love them as they are or they’ll end up at my house where they’re free to be, speak, feel, and express themselves without judgment, so long as they’re not hurting themselves or anyone else. I’ll be the one who gets to enjoy the miracles of their moments, not you. As parents and just human beings in general, our job isn’t to judge, it’s to love them. Love will always win, and parents who love with conditions will always lose!

If you don’t like me now, or if you’re a racist, bigot, or homophobe, get the eff out of my Diary ’cause I PROMISE I’m not the Cat for you. In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m not here to win a popularity contest … I’m here to keep it REAL! After you’ve hit that unfollow button, please do let the proverbial rainbow on the door of my otherwise Earth-toned home hit you in the ever-lovin’ ass. Finally, if you are a child whose parents don’t accept you exactly as you are, you really can come to my house, too!

LOVE WINS

A stray bullet and a momma cries – her baby won’t be coming home tonight. Sirens screaming down the avenue – just another story on the evening news, oh. Whoa! Politics and prejudice. How the hell it’d ever come to this? When everybody’s gotta pick a side? It don’t matter if you’re wrong or right, no. And so it goes, but I hold onto hope, and I won’t let go ’cause I believe you and me are sisters and brothers. And I, I believe we’re made to be here for each other. And we’ll never fall if we walk hand in hand. Put a world that seems broken together again. Yeah, I believe in the end love wins. Sometimes it takes a lot of faith to keep believing there will come a day when the tears and the sadness … the pain and the hate … the struggle … this madness … will all fade away, yeah. I, I believe you and me are sisters and brothers. And I, I believe we’re made to be here for each other. And we’ll never fall if we walk hand in hand. Put a world that seems broken together again. Yeah, I believe in the end love wins. Love is power. Love is a smile. Love reaches out. Love is the remedy. Love is the answer. Love’s an open door. Love is the only thing worth fighting for, yeah. {Carrie Underwood}

FEBRUARY 14, 2022: “Supernova Telescopes” …

February 14, 2022November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Valentine’s Day 2022.

My third without him.

Yet, despite the sobering reality that his physical being is no longer “here”, I have never felt closer to every infinite piece of who and what he was and all that he left behind. My God, I couldn’t even make myself cry today if I wanted to, because the unbelievable truth is that I have never felt more loved and connected to every single part of not just him, but this Universe, as well:

All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth

{“The Tragic Truth Revisited“}

Sometimes I worry that some of you may think that my relationship with Death makes me seem pessimistic, morbid, or macabre. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my life … the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I find it an honor to have been created to exist here. To me, not only is Death a release from the pain and heartache that often accompanies human existence and survival, it is, indeed, “nothing at all“. Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish that Zack’s physical body was still here with me, his essence, soul, and spirit are literally everywhere around me:

He’s out there. I hear him calling from behind the star fields. I feel him radiating energy like eternal northern lights. I see him watching over me across the sky. Overcoming, projected on my eyes eternally. I find him in the night. Far from the Sun where no one knows. He’s watching from his telescope as he travels the distance in my eyes … Interstellar … light years from me. Like a Supernova … we’ll fuse when we collide … awaking in The Light of all the stars aligned.

{“Telescope” … by Starset}

With that, let me say this to any of my loved ones who are now or ever will read this:

When that day comes that I’ve crossed to the brighter side of all this grey, rest assured knowing that I will be that zephyr blowing gently over your shoulder, just as Zack is now the ever-present breeze I feel blowing over mine. Don’t get me wrong … I’m not “planning” on going anywhere, ’cause umm, there’s still so much left for me to do here with all these little pebbles in my hand.

Nevertheless, always remember that my last singular blip on this life’s radar will never truly be my last, as I, too, will travel the distance like a Supernova until we fuse when we collide again. You see, love really is the one thing that transcends time and space. I know this with every shred of my being.

Though I can’t still see Him, I can feel not only his love, but the unyielding love and presence of the Supernova of all Supernovas … the one Who is always watching over me across the sky through the greatest telescope of all!

FEBRUARY 1, 2022: “The Bent Garage Doors Of Our Lives” …

February 1, 2022August 10, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear Cat:

You, my dear, are an actual frigging idiot of magnanimous proportion sometimes, but guess what? I kinda love ya anyway, ’cause the very patient man who bought you that garage door in the first place who was probably laughing his ass off when you pulled yet another “Catherine” was right when he said:

Catherine, it’s fine. It’s just a garage door. It’s just a car. It’ll be fine. It’ll get fixed!

Nothing could be further from the truth!

Garage doors, dents in cars, and most of human goof ups and accidents can be fixed, and you of all people know too well that the damage that comes from some of the words that come out of peoples’ mouths in anger isn’t always so easily patched up.

DO YOU REMEMBER …

… that night in the very beginning of “The Frog & The Butterfly” story when you texted him this song because you wanted desperately to know that no matter how long or how far you kept falling along with way, he’d still be there to pick you up and dust you off, and that if you got too tired to make it, he’d be your breath so you could walk? You were so scared you’d never EVER get put back together, but alas, you were, and now here you are, painted much better off as the true QUEEN he always intended for you to see when you stood in front of the mirror.

That’s the magic of unconditional love and yet another bright side in all this grey. You, my dear, were blessed to have met a human being that chose NOT to beat you up for being a living, breathing, chaos bus sometimes, so never forget to remember that when other people are driving around in chaos busses of their own! But Jean-Claude Van DAMNIT woman – LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!

~ Love, ME!

BENT

If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk. If I need some other love, give me more than I can stand. And when my smile gets old and faded, wait around I’ll smile again. Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, just hold me again. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. You’re breaking me in and this is how we will end – with you and me bent. If I couldn’t sleep, could you sleep? Could you paint me better off? Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need a lot. I started out clean, but I’m jaded. Just phoning it in. Just breaking the skin. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Yah, you’re breaking me in, and this is how we will end – with you and me bent. Start bending me. It’s never enough. I feel all your pieces. Start bending me. Keep bending me until I’m completely broken in. Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just touch me and then just touch me again. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Yah, you’re breaking me in and this is how we will end – with you and me landing without understanding. Can I go there again? Can you help me? I’m bent.

{Matchbox Twenty}

JANUARY 30, 2022: “Always. Keep. Fighting.” …

January 30, 2022November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

(The girl talking to Misha is Gia!)

Just over two and a half years ago tonight, we had just returned home and were all winding down from the “Supernatural” experience of a lifetime that Zack had gifted Gia. Little did we know that exactly two months later he’d be leaving us behind and turning our world completely upside down in the most egregious way possible after a nightmare battle with one of the most complicated cocktails of mental illness one could imagine.

What most people don’t know is that the demons that devoured his soul almost took my daughter, too, and be it not for these three literal angels on Earth, I might not have her here anymore.

We were so beyond blessed to be able to return to the “Supernatural of it all” once again over the weekend, courtesy of Gia’s dad, only this time it was even more supernatural!

Much like Gia, there are countless numbers of often “wayward” sons and daughters in this world who are hanging on every single word these literal stars in their sky speak. These boys are creating a faction of warriors who are hell bent on following their lead in all the best directions. Jared, Jensen, and Misha, or “J2M” as we say in the family biz, are using the platform their worldwide mega stardom has propelled them from to leave this place much better than they found it by “hunting mental illness”, bringing awareness to that NOT so popular monster, and making damn good and sure that the young and impressionable ears that are listening to them know they are never alone in the midst of the darkness.

“ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!”

The three most powerful words of both our lives, because she did … and she will … ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING (just like me, her “Wonder Woman” momma)! Still, how can I ever repay these stellar men for the countless things they’ve done, the powerful messages they’ve shared, and the courageous walks they’ve walked and talked in their collective fight against depression, mental illness, and suicide awareness? How about just thank you, “J2M”, because even with all the endless words I often have, THANK YOU is all I’ve got right now. Indeed, this world is a MUCH better place with her in it, so we’ll just keep on carrying on like the phoenix queens we both truly are.

JANUARY 24, 2022: “Sometimes Ya Just Gotta Know When To SHUT UP!” …

January 24, 2022February 26, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Have you ever wondered how to spot the most truly intelligent person in the room? Well, I’ll tell ya! In my personal experience, the most intelligent people in any space are usually the ones who don’t have much to say. In fact, studies have shown that the more introverted a person is, the higher their IQ seems to be. A true intellect in a room full of people is typically just listening, digesting, and formulating their own carefully thought and not impulsive answers to any and every question that could possibly be pondered, and depending on the crowd, they may still not say a word, opting instead to keep their pearls of wisdom to themselves rather than throwing them before all the swine.

MY POINT BEING …

Be careful of all the bullshit you’re slinging in front of those super quiet “sleeper cell” geniuses. You never know if they’re just sitting back, sizing you up, silently calling you out on your idiocy, and laughing their own really “smart asses” off as they watch not only you hang yourself with the snake oil that you’re peddling, but all the other “not so know it all dumbasses” who are actually buying what you’re selling.

Trust me when I tell you that what I’m saying is true. Not only was I married to a “sleeper cell genius”, but I’ve given birth to two. Zack Williamson’s IQ was 147, and although they haven’t been tested, I know that both my kids are somewhere in that realm as well! I couldn’t so much as pass a cat-sized TURD of bullshit past Zack, lest I end up eating it, and my kids are the same damn way.

I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN telling you, people. Watch out for those quiet ones that don’t have much to say! When they finally do decide to engage with you in a conversation, they’ll drop a smart bomb on ya the size of the Atlantic Ocean that you’ll never see coming and won’t even have to say the words “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” to make SHUT YOU THE FUCK UP and walk away in shame! Just thought I’d share!

JANUARY 15, 2022: “The Miracles Of My Moments” …

January 15, 2022November 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Little does this beautiful child who doesn’t belong to me know how much her powerful words meant to me and the truly small miracle they brought to “my moment” when I received them earlier this afternoon. Look, I may not be perfect, and I’m SO not a perfect mom – BUT – every single one of the kids who have ever graced my doorstep have done so knowing that they were seen, heard, loved, and valued for exactly WHO they are and WHERE they are without fear of judgment, disrespect, or disdain. So many teenagers have their heads up their own clouds, and Saturdays are typically their days to just kick back, relax, check out, and think of nothing but themselves and their own moments. The mere fact that a 15-year-old girl lingering elsewhere in this world who, PS, has a STELLAR momma of her own, was thinking of me and took the time to send this message says everything I already know, but never hate to be reminded about who I AM and how much I’m “seen, loved, heard and valued”.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and not only could I not agree more, but I’m HONORED to even BE in the village in the first place. I’m not quite sure exactly what I’ve done to deserve the abundant joy and blessings that enrich my life on a daily basis, but nope, I’m not complaining about it either. If there really was a time machine that could take me back to some other place and time so I could start this whole story over again, would I really want to use it? NO! No, I wouldn’t! I wouldn’t trade a single one of the moments I’ve gotten to have, be them good, bad, indifferent, or bittersweet for any other place and time in existence.

Even on my darkest of nights and amidst the mountains of losses I’ve suffered, at the end of each day all that really matters to me is the wonder in every “here and now” and that I don’t want to miss a single one of them. If you’ve been around this Diary long enough, you’ve heard about the chair in my room where I’ve done a lot of panicking, praying, crying, breathing, and thinking. This little message sent me straight to it this afternoon for “breathing in and breathing out” the miracle of a moment that some people may find insignificant. Nope, not me. As I sat down in my chair and held the phone up to my chest, I felt my own heartbeat as the silly tears I was shedding softened my heart even more than I thought it could be softened. I’m telling you people – I really AM God’s favorite daughter! No one will ever be able to convince me otherwise because of moments like these and the countless treasures He’s bestowed on me with every single one of them!

MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT

It’s time for letting go of all of our “if only’s”, ’cause we don’t have a time machine. And even if we did, would we really want to use it? Would we really want to go change everything? ‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now, and this is the only moment we can do anything about. So, breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now – it’s right there in front of you. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. There’s only One who knows what’s really out there waiting in all the moments yet to be. And all we need to know is He’s out there waiting – to Him the future’s history. And He has given us a treasure called right now. And this is the only moment we can do anything about. So, breathe it in and breathe it out and listen to your heartbeat. There’s a wonder in the here and now – it’s right there in front of you. I don’t want you to miss the miracle of the moment. And if it brings you tears, then taste them as they fall and let them soften your heart. And if it brings you laughter, then throw your head back and let it go, let it go, yeah. You gotta let it go. {Steven Curtis Chapman}

JANUARY 11, 2022: “The Time Of My Life” …

January 11, 2022December 4, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

TIME OF MY LIFE

I’ve been waiting for my dreams to turn into something I could believe in and looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon. I couldn’t see it until I let go, gave into love, and watched all the bitterness burn. Now I’m coming alive, body and soul, feelin’ my world start to turn. And I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time – this is the time of my life. The time of my life. Holding onto things that vanished into the air left me in pieces. But now I’m rising from the ashes, finding my wings, and all that I needed was there all along within my reach as close as the beat of my heart. So I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time – this is the time of my life. The time of my life.And I’m out on the edge of forever ready to run. I’m keeping my feet on the ground, my arms open wide, my face to the Sun. I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time of my life! {David Cook}

I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind when I first heard this song back in 2008. I was only months away from a total nervous breakdown, living a life of farce, being hunted by a dragon, and literally begging God to just wave His magic wand:

God? I need to talk to You. Or rather, I have some questions, so please just be perfectly honest. You’re not done with me, are You? Is my bright destiny just up ahead? Is it happening even as I write this? The future’s gonna be good, right? Things are gonna start getting better? Those two babies you sent need their mom to be okay so that I can help them reach their own destinies, so can’t You just wave Your magic wand?

Do You ever hear me crying, and if so, does it even bother You? And what about that “Sea Of Forgetfulness”? The one where YOU forgive and WE forget then move on about our way. It’s just not working with all these ghosts inside my head. Can’t You just make them go away? That memory of me on the front bench of that old truck? The smell of the beer on his breath? Can’t You just erase it? Or how about that boy who hit the wall and cracked his skull open? I could definitely do without THAT one. And what about the day You dropped that tiny girl in the palm of my hands JUST so I could watch her suffocate? You know? That same tiny girl who TRIED to hold my hand, but couldn’t even grasp my finger. I’m NOT loving that. It’s not working for me at all! I get it, she’s gone. I was there, don’t You know? Help me understand why I had to give her back. It’s just not natural. That’s NOT how it’s supposed to go. MOMMIES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR BABIES! It’s enough. I’VE HAD ENOUGH! Please can You take this away?

Am I still Your daughter, or did You just forget me? Surely You remember how it felt to watch Your Son die? Well, I’m dying, too, and I’ve had ALL that I can handle. PLEASE won’t You help me? You’re God. You can fix anything! Are You mad at me? What did I do? Oh, wait, I think I know. Well, can’t You just forgive me for that now?

{“Away From The Son“}

“Time Of My Life” had a much different meaning to me way back then and hearing it only crushed my spirit. I’d been aching for my hopes and dreams to turn into something I could believe in and longing for a magic rainbow. No, God couldn’t just “zap” it all away, and no, time didn’t heal my wounds. It’s what I’ve done with all the time that I’ve been blessed enough to be alive that worked the “magic”. If only I’d known that a song that once made me cry was actually foreshadowing all the bittersweet but beautiful times of my life that were then and still are yet to come, perhaps I wouldn’t have spent so many tears and hopeless prayers just waiting for “time” to mend my broken heart. You see, not only did He know things that I didn’t back then, but He also still knows things that I don’t about a future I no longer need to understand.

From the moment I was born, God has been preparing me to fly over the fires that were only ever meant to raise my wings and lead me back home to my soul. Time doesn’t even exist in the space where I dwell with Him … only unconditional love and the peaceful bliss that carries me through all the times of my life.

It’s been 6,567 days since the day she was born, and if God is the God I blindly believe He is, she’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey with Zack when it’s time for me to finally cross over. Today is her 18th birthday, and this is her birthday basket, because even though it really was one of the hardest days of my life, it’s a day that is truly worth celebrating. The once gaping wound her footprints left across my heart has healed and is PROOF that what I’ve done with my time is “the magic”. Believe it or not, Gina Marie is one of the best parts of my story and a precious reminder of all the extraordinary things I’ve gotten to hold on to that have vanished but not left me in pieces. When I take this basket to her grave later on, I’ll keep my face to the Sun, let the shadows fall behind me, and know her death was nothing at all.

JANUARY 6, 2022: “The Tragic Truth Revisited” …

January 6, 2022November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Today marks an incredibly powerful day in the Five Finger Death Punch family with the release of the official “Tragic Truth” video:

We wrote “Tragic Truth” in 2011 for the “American Capitalist” album, but it simply wasn’t finished by the manufacturing deadline. Since the song was very important to us, we didn’t want to wait and hold it until the following album, so it was added as a bonus track to the digital edition. Consequently, it never really got the attention we intended for it and a lot of our fans are not even aware of its existence. It’s been a conversation for years to somehow circle back to this song, and we felt right now, on Ivan’s birthday, and two months from his 4th sober anniversary it is probably as good of an occasion as it can be to release this music video; as it is a visual journal of our story. The battle with addiction … the pain … the chaos … life and even death. A celebration of a victory, Ivan’s rebirth into a new life. It is also a message for those who are battling addiction right now: you are more than your addiction, and you are never alone. Seek help, fight back, it’s never too late… Ivan came back from the dead, literally. He was so far gone, if he can do it – you can do it. Let this be a testament to that. So, with that said, Happy Birthday Ivan! Congratulations on your new lease on life. And thank YOU to all the fans who stood by us all these years, supported us, supported him, and have been the catalyst of his recovery.

{Five Finger Death Punch YouTube}

As for me? Of the now 466 entries published in this Diary, “The Cosmic, NOT Tragic Truth” is one of my personal favorites. The cryptic role it played in my healing from and making peace with Zack’s suicide literally defies conception:

All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! I just know it. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. NO MORE VOICES SCREAMING IN HIS HEAD!

{“The Cosmic, NOT Tragic Truth“}

After seeing it the first time, I watched it over and over. The more I watched, the more I ached, and knew exactly why I was so compelled to keep torturing myself with it. It was a catharsis I needed, so, I was emotionally cutting myself because there are clearly some feelings about the last months of his life that I’ve yet to fully bleed out.

I cannot tell you how many times in days since he left us that I’ve had random flashes of the countless times I saw Zack literally holding his head in his hands the way that Ivan does in the video. He was desperately trying to quiet all the voices that were screaming inside his mind and fend off the demons that were devouring him. I kept asking him what was wrong … or if his head hurt … or for God’s sake why was he covering his ears that way. His response was always the same:

They keep screaming at me, Catherine. I CAN’T MAKE THEM STOP!

I’m not gonna lie, but his sobering words in those moments and the helpless looks upon his face may haunt me for the rest of my life.

As for me? Although I’m not an alcoholic, I have suffered with and am in recovery from both an addiction “creature” of my own and a complicated mental illness. For that reason, I made the personal decision to lead a sober lifestyle and had my last drop of alcohol on March 26, 2021, at 4:40pm at the Tennessee Legend Distillery in Nashville. Yes, I know the exact date and time because I have proof via a credit card receipt. Lol. It was a mini shot sized sampling of “Peanut Butter Cup Whiskey” … and then I was done!

My decision was made in support of not just Ivan’s “SOBER AS FUCK” journey and platform, but anyone else who is fighting that fight, not the least of which is someone very close to me who has yet to recognize his own tragic truths, and yet another who already has.

If you haven’t heard this song yet, YOU SHOULD! Especially if you or someone you love has ever struggled with an addiction or mental illness. Always remember that not everyone survives the “tragic truth” of their journey, so we must truly celebrate the lives of every phoenix who does and support them in their flight. The wings a recovery warrior flies with were forged in a fire that not everyone makes it out of alive, and some of us had to actually die first before we could live.

JANUARY 5, 2022: “Things That Matter” …

January 5, 2022April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, Cat, what do you think is worse, being terminally ill, or so poor that your almost homeless?

What’s worse than either of these awful scenarios is being fiscally “rich” under any circumstance, yet still being mentally poor. No matter the size of the roof over your head, or even a lack thereof, being mentally vanquished is often a terminal illness. This is not to say that homelessness can’t be either caused by or the catalyst of a decline in mental “wealth”. Fortunately, homelessness isn’t always permanent.

Sadly, I can think of an extremely personal example of this plight. That “poor man” I married ended up dying a KING with a roof atop his castle that most people could never imagine. Even still, he left this world emotionally bankrupt and void of any fortitude or psychological well-being. At the end of the day, the wisest of us already know that while being financially wealthy can’t fix or cure anything, being mentally wealthy CAN!

JANUARY 1, 2022: “New Year. Duller Scissors.” …

January 1, 2022April 20, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

It took me a literal HELL of a long time to finally figure out that one of my most self-sabotaging traits has always been the desire to carry the load for the people in my life at any cost, up to and including my own preservation. There have been far too many times that I’ve tried to protect the people I’ve cared about from the consequences of their poor choices and behaviors, when in fact what I should have been doing is letting them feel every scrape and cut from the sharp edges of those consequences so they could figure out their own survival.

For too many years to count, it was incredibly difficult for me to “love from a distance”, pray for the best outcomes, and save my precious energy for my survival. But here’s the deal folks, sometimes you have to learn to say these most IMPECCABLE words out loud, as painful as it may be to “cut them” loose:

I AM NO ONE’S SAVIOR!

Holy SHIT! I think I just had another epiphany after having written the word “SAVIOR” in bold letters! Is this how it feels for God to have to sit back and watch all of us scraping and cutting ourselves on the sharp edges of our poor choices and behaviors? I mean, He clearly has the power to “force” or “control” us to do anything, but instead He gives us the free will to either choose or not choose to both discover and respect His many laws and “wisdoms”. We were given the responsibility for the choices we make, up to and including any less than optimal consequences.

“Sow” this is how a person, and especially a parent, allows someone to learn the often bloody hard way that while we can indeed choose to sow whatever we want, we cannot choose what we will reap. WOW! Just when I thought I had the nuts and bolts of this thing figured out – MY MIND IS OFFICIALLY NUMB AGAIN!

My Dearest Cat:

Listen up, you divine apostrophe! No, you are NOT God, and no, you really CAN’T save people, you can ONLY love them. As selfish as it seems, you MUST continue to keep on choosing YOU, because, umm, what the hell use are you to any of us if your wings break again and you can’t keep touching that beautiful sky? So, put down everyone ELSE’S scissors and just keep shining your Light for the people in your life who need to see it, regardless of whether they even know they need it. In the meantime, when you feel helpless as you’re watching the people you love running with sharp objects, try and remember all the times God saw YOU running with scissors and how helpless He must have felt, too. If that Man has any actual hair on his head, surely YOU’RE the one who turned it grey. Yet, here you still are alive and well with scarred up cuts that are now your survival to tell. Yes, you fell down, but you’ve lived and have learned, what didn’t kill you DID make you stronger, and He HAD to let you do it. None of these seeds you’re still desperately trying to plant will take root otherwise.

Love ~ ME!

Happy New Year to all you beautiful people, and NOPE, this isn’t just another one of those cliche “resolutions”. It’s just an impeccable promise to myself not to fall apart when I see people running with scissors, not to run with scissors myself, and just keep being what I’m being: Jean Claude Van DAMN Iridescent!

SHARP EDGES

Mama always told me don’t you run – don’t you run with scissors, son. You’re gonna hurt someone. Mama told me look before you leap – always think before you speak, and watch the friends you keep. Stay along the beaten path. Never listened when she said, “Sharp edges have consequences.” I guess that I had to find out for myself. Sharp edges have consequences. Now every scar is a story I can tell. Should’ve played it safer from the start – loved you like a house of cards. I let it fall apart. But all the things I couldn’t understand – I never could’ve planned – they made me who I am. Put your nose on paperbacks instead of smoking cigarettes. These years you’re never getting back. Stay along the beaten path. Never listened when she said, “Sharp edges have consequences.” I guess that I had to find out for myself. Sharp edges have consequences. Now every scar is a story I can tell. We all fall down. We live somehow. We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. {Linkin’ Park}

DECEMBER 29, 2021: “Under Pressure” …

December 29, 2021September 9, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

… but WHY does life have to be so hard, Cat?

Well, I’ll tell ya!

NOTHING extraordinary is ever born without pressure! As a matter of fact, one of life’s greatest paradoxes is that life actually gets harder when you try to make it easier:

Speaking up for yourself is hard, but living a voiceless life is even harder.

Standing up for yourself is hard, but being a pushover is even harder.

Erecting boundaries is hard, but becoming a fucking DOORMAT is even harder.

Losing people we love is hard, but not accepting “loss” is even harder.

Living a healthy lifestyle is hard, but the consequences of not advocating for your health are even harder.

Being alone is hard, even when you’re not “lonely”, but being surrounded by people who make you feel lonely is even harder.

Living life on your own terms is hard, but living life as a prisoner of what’s “best” for everyone else is even harder.

💎

Being a piece of coal subjected to unfathomable pressure and temperatures for upwards of 3 billion years is hard, **but not becoming the diamond you were intended to become, is an actual tragedy!**

💎

DO THE HARD STUFF MY FRIENDS, because sometimes the easy way out can actually cost you EVERYTHING! Hmm? Now that I think of it, maybe this is why I’ve always been so “facet-inated” by diamonds! They are tactile proof that behind almost every beautiful thing are unspeakable amounts of pressure, pain, and suffering. I emerged from a fire that purified, renewed , and perfected me. As it turns out, I was a fuckin’ 5 carat, D-FLAWLESS and PRICELESS solitaire all along, it just took me a long HOT minute to figure it out!

As cliche as it may be (as are many of the songs I pair with my Diary entries), in the words of the illustrious Freddie Mercury:

Insanity laughs under pressure. We’re breaking! Can’t we give ourselves one more chance … and love (people on streets) dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance! This is our last dance! This is ourselves – under pressure.

EXACTLY! Love … no, wait! SELF LOVE is the only way to keep our dance card going and our fingers, toes, and heads dripping and FROSTED with the diamonds of our life! This truly is QUEEN stuff my friends. Just sayin’!

DECEMBER 28, 2021: “Looking Through My Eyes” …

December 28, 2021January 1, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

“Apparently” my Lock Screen is an extraction from a personal inscription from one of my favorite people in this entire world. It makes me so happy every time I see it to know that not only have I made friends with a ROCK STAR, said rock star correlates ME to “power and grace”! It’s the ULTIMATE compliment, because the last time I checked there are almost 8 billion people on this Earth, and not everyone has “power and grace”!

“Apparently” my Home Screen is very organized, purposeful, and practical. PS, there are only twelve other app buttons on the next page over. Yup, I’m a Virgo who “apparently” can’t stand clutter or chaos of any proportion. This is how my house looks, too, by the way. VERY neat, orderly, OCD, and “ahhhhh”.

“Apparently” my Insta Exploration is pretty much ALWAYS in the greys, the forests, the woods, and the cookies. Welcome to all the places I really want to go and the sugar I’m either proudly or not proudly addicted to!

“Apparently” I have no interest in “Pinterest”! Lol, there are enough random thoughts and ideas running around this crazy little head of mine during the waking hours, and sometimes even while I sleep, so if I need to be reminded of the many things I “like” or have an interest in, I just say my prayers, tuck myself in to bed, fall asleep, and BOOM there it all is in my dreams!

“Apparently” I listened to The Brighter Side Of Grey again last night. WOW! Isn’t THAT a shocker! Umm, in case you didn’t know this, I listen to it at least once a day, and it’s usually the last thing I hear every night after I’ve written in this Diary, which in keeping with the song, and in case you didn’t know, is an extremely long love note and legacy to my kids, and THEIR kids, and even THEIR kids and THEIR kids. It’s the song of my life, and by the way, if you haven’t ever heard it yet, you need to at least once before you cross over.

“Apparently” I don’t keep a lot of pictures on my phone. Again, I DON’T LIKE CLUTTER! Unlike the countless people I’ve known who keep literally hundreds, if not thousands, of pictures stored on their phone. You see, once I’ve sent the pictures I’ve taken to the people or places they need to go, I delete them. It’s par for the course with another disorder I’ve coined that runs in tangent with my “OCD”. It’s my “ECD”, or “Electronic Clutter Dysfunction”, ’cause NOPE, I can’t have any “virtual” clutter floating around my atmosphere either. Wait! Did I just digress again? Wow! GO FIGURE! Umm, have ya read the other four hundred sixty-something entries in this Diary? Anyway, and as I was saying, I’m one of those silly people who’s doing everything I can to live IN all my moments now and not behind a camera as I watch everyone else LIVING in them.

I’m not gonna lie, folks, this fun little “InstaVibe” game was not only fun, but also very telling. Seeing this “Cat’s eye” view of my overall “vibe” in life was not too awful or wretched! Looking through my eyes at the way my mind spends energy just reminded me that I’m Jean Claude Van DAMN amazing woman. It’s no wonder that I’m my own best friend, ‘cuz I freaking LOVE all the things that I “like”.

Goodnight everyone, and might I suggest that you, too, take a look at your “vibe” through your own eyes! You may just discover that YOU are an incredibly amazing person, also! Just sayin’.

LOOK THROUGH MY EYES

There are things in life you’ll learn and, oh, in time you’ll see. ‘Cause out there somewhere it’s all waiting, if you keep believing. So don’t run, don’t hide, it will be all right. You’ll see, trust me, I’ll be there watching over you. Just take a look through my eyes. There’s a better place somewhere out there. Ooh, just take a look through my eyes (Look through my eyes). Everything changes, you’ll be amazed what you’ll find. If you look through my eyes. There will be times on this journey. All you see is darkness, but out there somewhere daylight finds you if you keep believing. So don’t run, don’t hide, it will be all right, you’ll see. Trust me, I’ll be there watching over you. Just take a look through my eyes. If you look through my eyes, all the things that you can change. There’s a meaning in everything, and you will find all you need. There’s so much to understand. Take a look through my eyes. There’s a better place somewhere out there. {Phil Collins}

DECEMBER 25, 2021: “The GIFT Tag” …

December 25, 2021April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I had no idea how I’d memorialize this holiday when I woke up today, until, that is, I’d grabbed a few things from my gift-wrapping stash to dress up a few last presents. THEN IT HAPPENED! In case you didn’t know, I’m a huge proponent of recycling seemingly useless things that some people would throw away, especially inasmuch as I very much consider my life to be a repurposed work of art. Now that I think of it, it’s all the recycled and repurposed people I’ve crossed paths with thus far who’ve found their way closest to my heart. Meanwhile, and as such, each year after Santapalooza is over and the ground below the tree is buried in crumpled up paper, ribbons, bows, and tags, it’s not at all uncommon to find me rooting through the aftermath like a packrat for bits and pieces of anything that can be used again next season.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I reached into my “‘little drawer of tags” only to find this one from the very last Christmas present Gia would ever give Zack on his last one with us in 2018. Although it’s true that he took endless pieces of my heart with him when he left, as I sit here writing this, I am staring at a tag that in a perfect world would have been hanging on a gift for him, and I’m smiling from ear to ear.

I cannot tell you how many times I wandered back to where I’d left it this morning, picked it up, and literally held it to my heart, because this silly little thing means that he was here with us in the first place. I will cherish this unexpected treasure for as long as I’m alive and eventually pass it back to Gia, who I know will also cherish it for the same exact reasons I do. Despite all the pain, heartache, and sorrow he brought into our world at the end, the decade that proceeded his insanity that we had him whole and healthy was one of the greatest gifts of our lives.

If there is just one wisdom that I’ve acquired on my journey thus far that I could “gift” to all of you, it’s that grieving the deaths of the people we’ve loved and lost is one of the highest honors and utmost triumphs of our existence. To have loved and been loved by those we were connected to enough to grieve is a privilege that not everyone gets to have. The truth of the matter is that when we get to the very end of the road with those we’ve loved and lost, the only “gifts” that will have really mattered is knowing that that WE HAD THEM and THEY HAD US! The abundance of true joy that I’m feeling right now is proof positive of what I’ve long known to be true, that “Death Is Nothing At All” and I am still the most blessed living queen that has ever reigned on this Earth.

Said goodbye, turned around, and you were gone, gone, gone. Faded into the setting sun – slipped away. But I won’t cry, ’cause I know I’ll never be lonely, for you are the stars to me. You are the light I follow.

Merry Christmas to all you beautiful people who took the time to read this Diary entry. If, like me, you celebrated Jesus’s birthday with a person missing from your table, know that they’re saving you a seat at the table where we will dine with our Lord and Savior eternally. Until that day comes, try and remember that although the bodies that packaged their souls were only ever meant for us to borrow, the precious love and memories they left behind are ours to keep forever. Just as this tag found it’s way back to me in the unexpected way that it did, someday those borrowed gifts we had to give back will find there way back to us when we finally get to see them again.

DECEMBER 19, 2021: “NO! The Defense Is WRONG!” …

December 19, 2021March 28, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

This Diary entry doesn’t need much interpretation, as the definitions of “history” and “insanity” were not only verified and researched via the internet and Albert Einstein, they kinda speak for themselves. So, I heretofore encourage you to throw that old adage in the garbage immediately and replace it with this new and improved old adage:

History

does NOT

repeat itself!

WE DO!

What you aren’t changing, you’re choosing! So, let’s stop questioning our own sanity, or better yet, stop being insane in the first place by repeat offending with our same mistakes, choices, and behaviors. If, by definition, “history is the study of the past, particularly in human affairs”, then by choosing not to make different choices, we have failed miserably in our life studies.

Lookit, not everyone can be a genius like the illustrious Albert Einstein, but we can at least not be frigging IDIOTS! There is no defense to the “situational insanity” that many of us choose to live in by choosing not to make different choices. So, with that, in the words of one of my favorite movie characters EVER …

REPEAT OFFENDER

Where do I turn? I’m always questioning my own sanity. Will I ever learn? I have always stolen my identity. Anyone forgive – anyone forget. I don’t want a life without respect – life without respect. Feel there is nowhere that I fit – nowhere that I fit. I am a repeat offender. I will live with this forever. I am a repeat offender. I am a repeat offender! You have my word – there are only lies in my sincerity. I live in a world that gives no meaning to integrity. Anyone forgive – anyone forget. I don’t want a life without respect – life without respect. Feel there is nowhere that I fit – nowhere that I fit. I am a repeat offender. I will live with this forever. I am a repeat offender. I am a repeat offender! Someone take these handcuffs off my wrists and break the chain of habit! Someone take these handcuffs off my wrists and break the chain of habit! I don’t want to life without respect. {Trapt}

DECEMBER 18, 2021: “The Panic Chair” …

December 18, 2021December 14, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yes, my friends, it was a “Panic Chair” kinda night for me:

If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side (one of my favorite movies ever), you know exactly what I’m talking about. It was that moment when she found out that Michael had never had a bed of his own and became flooded with emotions she didn’t want him to see. She went to her room, sat quietly in her chair, and just “allow” herself” to cry for a minute. For all her endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care and space were necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing “this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions, I’d disappear into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for the umteenth time in our season together, he finally pointed it out: ‘You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.’

{“Blindsided With Rhapsody“}

“The Panic Chair“

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat in this chair and had a good cry while saying to myself, “I can’t do this anymore”, only to stand back up, wipe my own tears, and keep on doing it. At the end of the day, drowning is NOT an option when you’re a mother, so, TAG, the chair is it! It’s one of the safest places for me to hold space for and collect myself.

DECEMBER 14, 2021: “The Christianwolf” …

December 14, 2021April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my beautiful son, the one we now call “The Christianwolf”. He’s a college graduate, a self-taught machinist and racing engine builder, the first prince to have ever stolen my heart, and yes, he is also a model. I couldn’t be any prouder of this guy who’s usually covered in transmission fluid and engine grease from head to toe, but Jean Claude Van DAMNIT he sure cleans up nice!

I love you kiddo …

… “To The Moon And Back”!

“BMITW”

DECEMBER 10, 2021: “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough!” …

December 10, 2021March 29, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

This Diary entry wasn’t planned for today, yet here I am writing it at just before midnight. You see, I’d been lounging around in my pajamas all day (well at least that was the plan), and by “lounging” I mean I was taking a three-minute break from my hell-bent FURY to finish the “Christmasing” of Williamson Manor. “SURPRISE! Mommy Christmased!” is one of her favorite days of each year, and since she’d been at her dad’s for a few days I’d decided it was NOW or never! I’m not gonna lie, I usually start this gig the week before Thanksgiving, so at this stage in the game I’m, like, three weeks behind, so a three-minute nap it was! Never the worry, though, because once I’m finally finished, I’ll be keeping this place decked out in lights and trimmings until probably the middle of March. Wow! Did I digress already? Go figure!

Meanwhile, it was half past noon when I finally sat down to have my second cup of coffee and prop up my hooves for a minute. Gone are the days of my energy and youth when I could transform the castle into North Pole 2.0 in the 24-hour Mrs. Clause Of It All streaks of the past. These days, “Christmasing” is now a week-long, somewhat harrowing event that literally breaks my back. Now, instead of pushing myself to whip up a holiday extravaganza with a magic wand I no longer have, I opt to take my time and just,

Do a little today. Do a little tomorrow. OMG, I need to rest for a minute! OMG, I’m about to pass out! OMG, I need some more coffee! OMG, I keep getting distracted! OMG, what’s on TV? OMG, I have something to blog! OMG, WHY DOES IT TAKE ME SIX DAYS TO WHIP THIS HOUSE INTO WINTER WONDERLAND?”

OMG I’ve digressed AGAIN!

The next thing I know, a text arrives from the princess. “Hey momma” is always a cue that she’s either about to ask me for something or tell me that she needs me for something very important. Trust me when I tell you that because my Mona Lisa is even more resilient and independent than her dear old phoenix of a mom could ever dream to be, she isn’t one to ask for much unless she really has no other choice. Keep in mind, too, that she’s not one to complain about anything that’s physically ailing her unless or until she’s all but keeling over, so when she says the words “it’s hurting really bad”, that means that something truly is “hurting her really bad”.

Truth be told, she hadn’t even finished sending the second and third parts of her text message before I was already headed to my closet to get my purse and keys. I was literally at her school parking lot less than 30 minutes later dressed to the nines in my rattiest Christmas pajamas and favorite little falling apart slippers with duct tape patching a hole on one of the bottoms.

My point in all this being …

How blessed am I to be in this place where virtually everything I do is not only because of her, but fully revolved around and for her? My fortunate position in life is never lost on me, and there isn’t a moment that passes by that I am not aware of the fact that not every widowed single mom is afforded this luxury. As I was speeding to the school in my pajamas and slippers, I was literally, and not metaphorically, thanking the king profusely for having taken care not leave us in any more of a mess than he did at the onset of his leaving and making damn good and sure that his many wishes for not just her, but me, as her mother, as well, would remain true even in his absence. Be I any other widow on any other day, I may not have been able to just drop EVERYTHING, hop in my beautiful car, and focus on my daughter full-time, and have a single care in the world otherwise.

I know, I know! If you’ve been around this Diary enough, you’ve already heard me say it before, but please let me say it again … I am truly the most blessed living queen on the face of this planet, God’s favorite daughter, and one very extremely lucky woman. It’s days like today that only deepen my propensity to not only honor, but revel in only the best parts of his legacy and leave out all the rest.

DECEMBER 9, 2021: “The Sea Of Madness” …

December 9, 2021October 16, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, the burning question was this:

Who is making the world crazy sometimes? Why is it so?

Umm, HELLO? It’s HUMAN BEINGS who make the world so fuckin’ crazy at times! See, also, these poignant and powerful lyrics to one of my lifetime favorite songs by one of my lifetime favorite bands:

Out in the street somebody’s crying. Out in the night the fires burn. Maybe tonight somebody’s crying – reached the point of no return. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. Like the eagle and the dove, fly so high on wings above when all you see can only bring you sadness. Like a river we will flow. On towards the sea we go when all you do can only bring you sadness out on the sea of madness. Somewhere I hear a voice that’s calling. Out in the dark there burns a dream. You got to hope when you are falling to find the world that you have seen. Oh, my eyes they see but I can’t believe. Oh, my heart is heavy as I turn my back and leave. It’s madness! The sun don’t shine out the sea of madness. There ain’t no wind to fill your sails. Madness!

It’s the darkest, most twisted, and tragic truth of all. This world we live in can, indeed, drive even the best us to literal insanity. The best that we can do is just “the best that we can do” while trying to keep our mind and not our eyes focused on what lies beyond the vail.

Let’s be honest people – humanity is not for the faint of heart, and only the strongest survive it relatively unscathed with their heart and soul in the one cohesive unit from whence they first began. Don’t get me wrong, the hope is still very much here, it’s just this fucking WORLD and all the people in it that destroy our vision of eternity and desecrate our spirit.

I keep my mind’s eye focused on The Cross to keep from drowning in the sea of madness. These days, I see myself as an actual risen phoenix ever soaring above it all. My gravity defying steel wings may be invisible, but trust me when I say they’re behind me. I’m forged of fire and Light and power and grace, all of which are impermeable and infinite.

As and aside, I find it no coincidence that the day I saw this question posed on Quora, I had just spent the morning drive to school with my daughter listening to this song, because that’s how my beautiful life works. I was explaining to her how when I was just about her age and first stumbled upon this song, every time I’d listen to it I would literally close my eyes and imagine that I was an albatross flying high above the sea. Then, she stopped me:

No, momma, you are NOT an albatross. You’re something so much better than an albatross.

Little did she know that not two minutes after she got out of the car, I had to pull into a parking lot near her school to contemplate the magnitude of what she’d said. Based upon the fact that after she’d spoken those beautiful words I was immediately flooded with emotions, I knew I needed to stop and sit with my thoughts so that perhaps they’d come full circle. So, I googled the word “albatross” and this is something I found:

If you describe something or someone as an albatross around your neck, you mean that they cause you great problems from which you cannot escape, or they prevent you from doing what you want to do.

Wow! Just WOW! When I think of all those years gone by that I’d pictured myself as that spectacular bird just soaring across the open water, I’m astonished. Up until today, it was a correlation that I was proud of, but how could I have been so wrong? Although an albatross is, indeed, a formidable creature, it’s life isn’t exactly the stuff of dreams. Sure, they can ride the wind for hours on end with neither rest nor flap of wing, and can go years without ever touching solid ground, but they’re also very lonely, constantly in a state of survival, and never really find a stable home.

Truth being told, I suppose that I really was an albatross for too many years to count. Perhaps that’s why I never realized that such connotation about myself was negative. Even more truth being told, in so many ways, I used to be the albatross around my own neck. Until I found a better set of wings, I’m the one who prevented me from doing all of the things I wanted to do.

That was then, this is now, and good GRIEF was my daughter right when she said I was “something so much better than an albatross”. I’m a fucking risen QUEEN, my wings are made of FIRE, and although my “phoenixing above all this madness” does keep me afloat more so than not, my metaphorical feet are always on the ground now at the place where I call home: ME.

DECEMBER 5, 2021: “The V Word” …

December 5, 2021May 10, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

I completely understand what you are saying my friend, I’ve been where you are. Even to this day, I am a “fifty-TWO-good-to-be-true” UNVALIDATED child of parents who refuse to “hear or see me”. But guess what? THOSE DAYS ARE GONE NOW, because as hopefully you yourself know by now, it is job number ONE of an unvalidated child turned adult to be reparent yourself, REVALIDATE yourself, and then keep doing it over, and over, and over again. It is unclear by the title of this question whether you are referring to “children” you may have one day, or “children” you already have. In either case, always remember:

THE HAMMER DROPS WITH YOU!

If and when you are ever faced with a scenario wherein you don’t feel as though you are validating your children’s feelings, close your eyes and picture yourself as a child at the age that they are in that moment and remember how it felt to be you. It is probably obvious to anyone reading your question that you are clearly aware of this “issue” you’ve had in your own past and desperately don’t want to repeat your family’s history. Not only is that admirable, but it’s MORE than half the steps you need to keep going in the parenting direction you want to go. Look, I’m not generally a huge fan of “looking back” at the past, because, THE PAST IS DONE AND OVER! That being said, there are certain instances when our hindsight really is “20/20” – especially when it comes to our own children. I wish you well in your parenting venture my friend. Raising kids is not for the faint of heart, and sadly not enough people doing it are actively breaking those SICK familial gifts that just keep on giving.

{“The Real Cat Williamson On Quora“}

DECEMBER 5, 2021: “Just Take The Damn Trip!” …

December 5, 2021January 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

I have had the extremely good fortune and pleasure of having traveled both completely alone and with Zachariah. I was so beyond blessed that making sure both Gia and I had as many adventures as possible was always amongst his top priorities.

While traveling with someone is almost always preferable, the times I’ve traveled solo have been some of the most exuberant and healing times of my life. I believe that traveling alone is one of the best forms of self-love, care, confidence, esteem, and “mental wealth” building there is. That doesn’t just apply to leisure travel either, it applies to traveling in life as well. For me, “alone, NOT lonely” is the benchmark of human achievement.

There was a time in the not-so-distant past that I was enmeshed in a twisted, suffocative, and toxic familial system wherein autonomy and freedom were not only frowned upon, but punished. Those were my “Venom suit days”, and I wore that web of farce on my soul for far too many years. That fucking thing almost sent me to an early grave:

“The suit”, however, does to me represent the dark alter ego of Spider-Man. It’s a thick, black, suffocative web of enmeshed and entangled emotions that overtakes and chokes the life out of its host, much like the one I fought so desperately to get the HELL off of me for more than forty years, the one my son still wears, and the one my beautiful husband was wearing as he slipped away into the abyss. “The Greatest Battle Lies Within” and the accompanying “Venom of it all” are so much more than words and comic book movie characters to me.

{“Closer To The Heart ”}

It took my running away to France to finally begin shedding that God-forsaken suit and realize that what I needed most was to find a way back to ME. I wanted to stay alive, live a REAL life I could be proud of, and be a healthier mom for my kids. Keep in mind that although I wasn’t physically alone on that trip, I was metaphorically alone. Until then, I’d been trapped inside a mental prison where although my body was present, “I” was nowhere to be found. Meanwhile, fast forward to just a handful of rocky months after coming home from France when I was really “all alone” out there on the open road for what ended up being one of the richest experiences of my life:

I spent so many days and nights alone on the open road just driving, crying, laughing, talking to myself and God. I’d stop in as many small towns as I could along the way in the quietest corners of “anywhere but home”, find a quaint cafe, then just sit with some coffee and listen, observe, and absorb as many “outside my bubble” experiences as possible. That job was one of the best things I’ve ever done, and I swear I wouldn’t be here right now if not for it.

{“No Reins“}

One of the most stellar men that has ever lived really hit the nail hard when he said:

A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.

{Muhammad Ali}

With that, if the views of the world that I’ve been wise enough to amass in my many travels thus far have taught me anything, it’s that as separated as I was from myself during what I thought were only wasted years, the only person who was ever going to be able put “me and me” back together was ME.

Now that I’ve rejoined myself and am embracing my punctuated soul, I refuse to waste a single one of my days left here in this space not living every one my dreams in these hard-earned “Golden Years” of mine. Trust me when I say that I’m gonna do, see, and experience ALL of it, from the abandoned castles and cobblestone villages to the sleepy little seaside towns with the lighthouses calling me through the fog in the distance. Whether I’m on my own, with my children, or with that one last king who might be waiting for me out there, this precious life is too short not to take all those trips, however I’m meant to take them.

So, with that, I now challenge all of you: If there’s “some place” you’ve been meaning to go in this life, but are perhaps just waiting for someone to go with you … JUST TAKE THE DAMN TRIP! It’s allowed. You’ll never know the true joy and pleasure how it feels to be that fucking brave and connected to yourself unless and until you just do it!

C’est la vie!

For the record, this song that has earned a third appearance in my Diary:

Ewwe! No way, Cat! Iron Maiden? Really? They’re a little too much, dontcha think?

Hey, don’t knock ’em ’til you’ve tried ’em. Just listen to the words, please. They’re as beautiful, well-traveled, and courageous as your soul is beckoning you to be. Few are the songs of my life that can instantly reduce me to the most beautifully cathartic tears as this one. Every time I hear it, my heart literally wants to flutter out of my skin. Just sayin’.

WASTED YEARS

From the coast of gold, across the seven seas. I’m travelin’ on far and wide. But now it seems I’m just a stranger to myself, and all the things I sometimes do – it isn’t me but someone else. I close my eyes and I think of home. Another city goes by in the night. Ain’t it funny how it is? You never miss it til’ it’s gone away. And my heart is lying there, and will be ’til my dying day. So, understand! Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. Face up! Make your stand and realize you’re living in the golden years. Too much time on my hands, I got you on my mind. Can’t ease this pain so easily. When you can’t find the words to say, hard to make it through another day, and it makes me wanna cry, and throw my hands up to the sky. So understand! Don’t waste your time always searching for those wasted years. {Iron Maiden}

DECEMBER 1, 2021: “UNO Momento Por Favor!” …

December 1, 2021January 4, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

So here’s a fun idea for all of you “social media trendy” wives out there …

How about instead of just, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun!” poking at what an epic disappointment your broke ass, one-abbed “frog” gone wrong” of a husband is, maybe you should just start posting pics of his umm, YOU KNOW, “little guy”, too?

EMASCULATION!

It’s what’s for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and it’s gross, aaand I’m certain that if a buncha “Tik-Tok” husbands out there doing the “for the sake of likes and clicks” dealio got together and started another VIRAL trend where they show the whole entire world, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun – but just look what a lazy, smelly, PIG the sweet little princess I thought I was marrying turned out to be!”, there’d be some damn “Tik-Tok” hate crimes and murders.

Umm, so here’s another “dealio” – I hate to tell ya, but behind every “joke” there IS a bit of truth. I know it. You know it. THE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ WORLD KNOWS IT! The new friend and social media influencer I’m now following, Man Elik, smashed this nail right on the head. Women, we do SUCK as much as men, and yes, we CAN be as toxic in more than a million different ways. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!
{Mama’s Boys}

Sorry, NOT sorry, but ours are the arms that were meant to embrace the world, up to and even more so including the men that BUILD IT for us. Sorry, NOT sorry once again. Lemme ask you this: So, when’s the last time you drove by a construction site, road crew, or farm that was chock full of women? Nope! I’m not even sitting here trying to say that never in the history of the world has there been a construction site, road crew, or FARM without a “Rosie The Riveter” blood, sweat and tears WOMAN working on it. But don’t be foolish, ladies, we COULD NOT live without them, that’s the Jean Claude Van DAMN fucking hard truth, and NOPE, we are NOT “their equals”. Sorry ’boutcha!

Let’s all just “normalize” emasculation!

Yah! That’ll be fun! By the way, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’M AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ABUSER! I don’t think ANYONE – man OR woman – should be throwing their one-abbed spouses under the marriage joke bus. But hey, what do I know, right? My GOSH, people, it’s hard enough for anyone out there to fight the good and valiant fight when the world at large just wants to rip the people livin’ in it apart. C’mon ladies, indeed it is true that if you don’t “crown” him, pick him up and value him, who else in this jacked up world will? PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Marriage is hard. Being a HUMAN is hard.

Ha ha! Hee hee! My husband is one FAT fuck of a disappointing failure! Oh, but no! I’m just kidding! I’m only doing this for LIKES and CLICKS, so, it’s okay to bitch slap him just for fun!

Umm? GROSS!

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m only ever here to keep it REAL. Some things are funny. Some things are not. Love me or hate me and call me the party poopin’ FUN POLICE, but SOME things just ain’t right! Publicly shaming and disrespecting your FAT and BROKE spouse is one of them!

NOVEMBER 30, 2021: “Bad Seeds And Rotten Apples” …

November 30, 2021November 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

I mean, seriously? What the Jean-Claude Van DAMN actual FUCK? Whereas I would say that my mouth just hit the FLOORA, rather I shall say my mouth just hit the QUORA!

NOTHING defines a “bad kid“, except, that is, for the TOXIC ADULTS who refer to any kid as “BAD”! So, let’s have a looksie at the vast and powerful differences between two seemingly simple words that are all too often are simply tossed into the dirt like so many poisonous seeds with absolutely no caution to the wind whatsoever …

“BAD” v. “GOOD”

DIDJA GET THAT, PEOPLE? If not, just go back and read the definition of “BAD” over and over and OVER until you’ve hammered it into your skull!

When a parent, caretaker, or any adult refers to a child as “bad”, they are, by definition, saying that child is of poor quality, a low standard, or otherwise inferior, second-rate, unpleasant, disagreeable, and UNWELCOME! Generally speaking, when someone hears that something is “BAD”, it’s almost always a negative connotation, except, of course, when something is “bad to the bone” or cool!

Oh, don’t get me wrong; children can be difficult. THIS I KNOW TOO WELL! Lol. Unless you really know me or had the privilege of knowing me as a child, what you don’t know is that I was told incessantly that I was, indeed, DIFFICULT! But, umm, have ya met any “adults” since you’ve been one? The last time I checked, human beings in general can be “difficult”! Are there “bad behaviors” and “bad choices”? Umm, YAH! You know, kinda like the bad behavior of the sixteen and counting dumb as ass ASSES who went to great lengths trying to quantify “what defines a BAD kid” in answer to that Godforsaken question!

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS!

Oh, and don’t think for one second that just because you don’t refer to your child as “BAD” either directly to them or within their earshot that they don’t know exactly what think about them. Not only do some actions speak much, much louder than words, kids aren’t as oblivious as you think they are, and they’re usually always listening!

Look, I’m certainly no doctor, but I am an adult survivor of one of the most challenging mental illnesses in “the book” (Lol, yes, there is “a book“). As such, I have spent more than my fair share of “time in the chair” with doctors and mental health professionals trying to reconnect the broken transmitters in my formerly jacked up fucking psyche. More so than that, during my various periods of hospitalization and group therapy settings, I have personally known an entire army of equally dismantled adults whose “insanities” almost always rooted back to the toxic words and labels bestowed to them by the “adults” in their childhood lives. My point being that I know all too painfully well what a heaping pile of BULLSHIT these words are:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

Umm, yes,

YES THEY CAN!

Not only can words most definitely hurt you, they can also unwire the original hardwiring you came packaged with the day you were born. Unless there are specific genetic or chromosomal issues that were somehow developed in utero, babies aren’t “born” with broken minds. IT’S THE WORLD THAT FUCKING BREAKS THEM, and nine times out of ten, that destruction originates with the adults in their early lives and their abysmally negative WORDS! Just as positive words can elevate a child’s cognitive development and brain function, negative words can destroy and misdirect healthy cognitive development and brain function! So, with that, unless you are evil (and YES there are purely EVIL “parent things” out there), YOU CAN DO BETTER!

BAD SEED

I didn’t give up the fight – I gave up on what’s right – everything I should’ve believed. I don’t care about the warnings, just who I’ve become. You swore that I wouldn’t succeed. I know that you’re wrong! Insanity embraces me – it’s what I chose and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I won’t deny, deny, the Sun never shines. It always rains on me. I can’t deny, deny, that I’ve never tried. No honor amongst us thieves. Inside, inside – I try to survive, strangled by the waste. You can’t deny, deny, that I never tried. It’s always been on me. I’m just a bad seed. I’m just a bad seed. I’M JUST A BAD SEED! I gave up on the Light – I gave into the night – I never knew how much I could bleed. When it’s all said and done, I still stuck to my guns, I always knew what I couldn’t take. Even if I’m wrong – HONESTY IS EVERYTHING – it’s what I know and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I’M JUST A BAD SEED! {Five Finger Death Punch}

NOVEMBER 26, 2021: “The Zephyr In Their Sky!” …

November 26, 2021July 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Although I’ve had the awful displeasure of watching a handful of the human souls I’ve been the most connected dying right before my eyes, not the least of which was my daughter, perhaps the saddest and most painful moment of my life was the day my two surviving children had to watch their own mother having an actual nervous breakdown and being hauled off to a psych ward over a thousand miles from home:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

{“Speaking Of Faith And Crowns“}

Even now, as resilient as I’ve truly become, when I flash back to “the day on the driveway” and remember everything they had to see, it breaks my heart all over again knowing how their hearts got broken going through that kind of trauma. No child should ever have to witness such a thing!

That being said, and regardless of how horrifying so many of the moments in all our lives have been, I wouldn’t change a single step of this dance we’ve been sashaying through. Through it all, I can only hope that they’ll have learned that the pain has been a gift, death is nothing at all, and that win, lose, or draw, they’re gonna be okay because they had ME for a mother!

I’m an epic masterpiece of magnanimous proportion, and after I’ve made it to The Brighter Side Of Grey, both they and their kids are gonna look back at this painting I’ve been faithfully working on and say,

DAMN! She was OUR mom! She was nothing short of magic, because despite her many circumstances, she rose up like a phoenix to spread her light, love, truths, and the warmth from the fire in in her soul.

Then, I’ll be that soft breeze that brushes their cheeks and whispers hope into their ears, and every ray of light that sparkles in their eyes as they bask in the legacy I’m working on. I’ll be their Crazy Grandma Cat whose higher purpose was to change everything for our tree.

Oh, don’t you worry my friends, despite the seemingly macabre tone of this entry, I’m not planning to go anywhere soon. Although it is true that I’m fully prepared for what I know is coming next, I’m in love with my existence in this space and still have much to do. I’m just thinking out loud right now, because this song I’ve loved since I was not quite 30 years old found it’s way to the cue on my stereo this morning. Back then, it was just a song to me with a vibrant mood, and never in a million years would I have thought that I’d be the ray of light in those words. Well, here I am lighting it all up from my very own little piece of Heaven from here until eternity. I am SUCH a lucky woman and I cannot say it enough. I am power, grace, and a divinely appointed apostrophe punctuating peoples’ lives with my glow. I will never be ashamed of all the pain that I have carried – it’s what forged me into the steel fortress that I am.

RAY OF LIGHT

Zephyr in the sky at night – I wonder – do my tears of mourning sink beneath the Sun? She’s got herself a universe gone quickly. For the call of thunder threatens everyone. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Faster than the speed of light – she’s flying – trying to remember where it all began. She’s got herself a little piece of Heaven, waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light – then gone – for Someone else will be there. {Madonna}

NOVEMBER 25, 2021: “The Gauntlet” …

November 25, 2021April 21, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because sometimes you have to choose to protect your own “mental wealth” over showing up at the obligatory NOT so “family meal” for the sake of everyone else’s feelings or “doing the right thing”. Is it selfish? Umm … YAH! Guess what people?

BEING SELFISH IS ALLOWED!

The holidays are meant for going home and spending time with family, but let’s face it, not everyone has a family to go home to – OR – whereas their “family” might physically exist, it’s just not a safe place to go back to.

We all have a home when our “home” is where we are! My true HOME is with ME, and here there is no medieval gauntlet to run through. No toxicity. No hatred. No judgment. No guilt. No shame. No yelling. No screaming. No anxiety. No nausea. No cringing. No crying. No suffering!

NOT HAVING TO TAKE YOURSELF OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM TO BE MEDICATED AFTER HAVING A PANIC ATTACK AT “FAMILY DINNER”!

It took me fifty something years to finally figure out that there are no rules to this game, so stop playing by everyone ELSE’S rules if they make you physically ILL!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating this beautiful American holiday, especially the “alone but NOT lonely” like me. For the record, I am so beyond thankful that I have arrived at this place in life where I can choose to allow myself every bit of the power, grace, and unconditionally safe love I want to receive from this cosmos. If, like me, “going home” literally feels like walking on not just eggshells, but razor blades, nails, glass, quicksand, land mines AND eggshells … then just chose YOU and STAY “HOME“! Your family is YOU and the ONE parent who will NEVER forsake you … God. These days when I sing this song, it’s HIM who I am singing it to.

HOME

I’m staring out into the night, trying to hide the pain. I’m going to the place where love and feeling good don’t ever cost a thing and the pain you feel’s a different kind of pain. Well, I’m going home, back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. I’m not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong. I don’t regret this life I chose for me, but these places and these faces are getting old. So I’m going home, well I’m going home. The miles are getting longer it seems, the closer I get to you. I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you, but your love remains true and I don’t know why. You always seem to give me another try. So I’m going home, back to the place where I belong, and where your love has always been enough for me. I’m not running from, no, I think you got me all wrong. I don’t regret this life I chose for me, but these places and these faces are getting old. Be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all and then some you don’t want. Be careful what you wish for ’cause you just might get it all. You just might get it all, yeah. Oh, well I’m going home, back to the place where I belong and where your love has always been enough for me. {Daughtry}

NOVEMBER 23, 2021: “Rise Up To YOU!” …

November 23, 2021January 10, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

You.

It’s only you. It’s only YOU who can fill those cracks in your broken heart with the most magical healing compound of all:

YOU!

No, I take that back. What I really meant to say is YOU AND GOD! Not you and someone else. Not you and somewhere else. Not you and strangers, fame, fortune, stuff, drugs, alcohol, food, or lust. Just you, yourself, and that EPIC fucking reflection in the mirror that you’ve been refusing to make peace with and fall in love with the way God fell in love with you two billion infinite eons before you were even born. He never meant for us to seek the pleasures of this world … that’s the trick the devil did. God wants to be the One to bring you happiness and peace, because if anyone besides us knows how the world keeps disappointing us, it’s Him! He wants us to turn to Him, then right back to ourselves, so we don’t hurt ourselves or anyone else for sport.

Look, there’s always gonna be some kind of darkness lying in wait just ahead of us. I mean, ‘cmon, have you seen this fucking place we’re living in? No matter how bright the artificial lights we follow to navigate ourselves through it all, or how many miles ahead of all the bullshit we try to stay, there’s always gonna be an abyss waiting to swallow us alive. Guess what? That internal spotlight we often hide from is the exact same one that emits the full power and grace from our soul that allows us to see the beauty of our own reflection:

The more we stray, the less we fear, and the more we reach, the more we fade away.

Can’t you smell the paradox? This whole self-love dealio seems to contradict itself, right? We need to find our light. We were meant to find our light. Our light is both ourselves and God. You know? GOD. The One Who is to be feared and not feared all at once? He wants us to shine that light on ourselves – to shine HIS light on ourselves – but that light can be super scary.

To whom much is given, much is expected.

Now those are some scary words! Some people don’t want the responsibility that comes with such power, so they opt for the easy way out of all they were meant to be, leave themselves behind, head into the world to “find themselves” in anything but themselves, then wonder why they feel so empty and alone.

Unless and until you take hold of all that power and wield it like a beacon in the night, you will always be hoping for “other indications” of who you really are and seeking “higher elevations” from an outside world you were never meant to seek. Trust me when I say this, ’cause I’ve been there and done that, too, but if you aren’t capable of being at absolute peace in the company of your own solitude, any other person, place, or thing you try to have a relationship with is nothing more than a cruel trick you’re playing on yourself to avoid facing the gaping hole in your heart left by this world.

So, with that, why not try giving yourself as much time, love, and attention as you give to other people and see what kinda magic can happen to that reflection in your mirror. Just rise up, STAY RISEN, and go back home to YOU!

RISE UP!

I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. I’ve been shaken, waking in the night light. I’ve been breaking, hiding from the spotlight. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh, it’s calling out and I won’t walk away. I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all give me more. I was always up for making changes. Walking down the street meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. I was there, but I was always leaving. I’ve been living, but I was never breathing. Flipping through my life turning pages. I’m bursting like the fourth of July, so color me and blow me away. I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray. I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all give me more. {Imagine Dragons}

NOVEMBER 19, 2021: “Le Symbolique” …

November 19, 2021August 23, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

If you’ve ever lost someone that you love, regardless of the “how, when, and why”, you know that sometimes it’s the most beautiful memories of life with that now missing person that can hurt you the very most.

So, you’d be 2,000% okay going to Disney without Dad?

Oh, Mom, when we finally do go back, trust me – HE’LL BE WITH US!

If you knew anything about him, you know that not only was Disney was one of Zack’s favorite places of all, it was also our very first “family adventure“. With that in mind, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …

If he can still see us … and I know in my heart that he can … he would be devastated beyond conception if we let the possibility of too many flashbacks and memories keep us from going back to one of “our places“. So, rather than let those memories make us cry, we’ll just go back to all those places again and laugh!

Meanwhile, so now what’s the dealio with this “Le Symbolique”? Well, I’ll tell ya! First of all, take look at the definition …

So, with that, not only is this beautiful instrumental by one of our favorite bands one of our favorite and most uplifting musical gifts, this first trip back to one of the truly most MAGICAL places on Earth is “Le Symbolique” of not just our journey going forward without him, but all the love, laughter, and truly MAGIC adventures we ever had got to have with him in the first place. Even more so than that, because of my deep love of France and the “symbolique-ism” of what my very first trip there ever meant, one of the sweetest things that man would ever do for me as soon as we’d step foot into “the kingdom” is make it a point to see to it that we went straight to the “France” in Epcot and sit down for a croissant. That, my friends, may very well be amongst the most bittersweet “flashbacks and memories” we will be sure to LAUGH our way back to magic when we get there!

NOVEMBER 17, 2021: “It’s GOOD To Be Alive” …

November 17, 2021April 24, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because for every time I, myself, was my very own worst enemy, “hammer in hand” and all, having to just sit back now and watch helplessly as one of the very few human beings I’ve ever truly loved wields that same familiar hammer is all but fucking devouring me! That Godforsaken mallet has been smashing the hearts, minds, and souls of everyone whose ever touched it for only GOD knows how long. In the meantime …

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. As for me and mine? It’s SO GOOD to be alive!

TO BE ALIVE

I know you don’t believe it like I believe it. Oh no, it’s not your fault – you sit alone inside a room – wait for the world to come to you. They never do. It must be something that you can’t let go. It hurts that you won’t let me know. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And then in conversation, I love the way you mention, “nothing’s ever gone your way” with a hammer in your hand. You spell out a master plan. You never learn. It must be somebody holding your heart. Something that tears us apart. Every time you want to, any time I touch you, I can’t help to be myself. I hold on to this moment – any time is right to be alive. And I don’t think that it’s right to let love pass by. Any time of life, it’s good to be alive. {Def Leppard}

NOVEMER 17, 2021: “The OTHER Golden Rule” …

November 17, 2021November 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Most everyone has probably already heard that age old Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”, but lemme ask you this: Have you heard the other Golden Rule … “Circa 2021” by The REAL Cat Williamson …

Perhaps you’ve heard it said before that, “we train others how to treat us“? NOTHING could be further from the truth! We learn how to treat ourselves based solely upon the treatment we choose to accept from others. So, with that, what’s even more important than “training others how to treat us” is “training OURSELVES how to treat us”!

The way we treat and even speak to and ABOUT ourselves sets the gold standard for the treatment, behaviors, and “speak” we receive from others. If we allow OURSELVES to speak to OURSELVES like SHIT, why would anyone else think it’s NOT okay to speak to us like SHIT? All that being said, the ONLY way to change the inner voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to “you”. Nothing good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves like poorly … NOT EVEN JOKINGLY! Don’t get me wrong, being honest about and owning your less than optimal attributes is one thing, but self-deprecation is another. As far as I’m concerned, it’s nothing short of psychological abuse of OURSELVES!

DON’T GO THERE!

The only way to change the voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to it. NOTHING good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves poorly. Unless you’re one of the truly rare and fortunate people who somehow managed to escape childhood in one piece, the chances are high that there’s a younger version of you living just beneath the scars you wear as an adult who NEEDS to hear all the things they never heard when they were a kid … SO SAY THEM! Say them kindly. Say them sweetly. Say them gracefully, gently, and FORGIVINGLY! Perhaps the best part of adhering to this “other” Golden Rule is that once you and that powerful inner voice of yours became as tight and thick as thieves, you’ll be much better able to hear what it’s trying to tell you. Learning to trust the advice from your instinctual wisdom and intuition is imperative to your mental wealth and survival.

AND REMEMBER …

Nothing ’bout you is ordinary, so if your friends all say you’re goin’ crazy, don’t listen to a word that they say! Let the voices in your head be legendary, and don’t ever tell ’em where the bodies are buried. It’ll keep ’em coming back every day!

{“Real Cat” Adaptation to “Attention Attention!” by Shinedown}

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Attention! Attention! Get down on the floor! Don’t reach for your pockets, don’t run for the door! Attention! Attention! It’s urgent, it’s real! The cameras are rolling, the envelopes sealed! Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? The stories I hear are the stories I tell – like jumping over buildings and sneaking outta hell! Intention! Retention! It’s all in your head! That greedy little mistress they tied in in your bed. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy. I don’t hear a word that they say. ‘Cause the voices in my head are legendary, but I’ll never tell ’em where the bodies are buried. Keeps them coming back every day! Oh no! Oh no! They’re just villains in my mind doin’ time. Oh no! Oh no! They’re just matches burning holes in my soul. Attention! Attention! ‘Cause this ain’t a stunt. The judges are racist. The juries corrupt. The shelves are all empty, but the seats are all filled. You’re a shiny new penny, I’m a hundred dollar bill. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy … {Shinedown}

NOVEMBER 14, 2021: “The Sun WILL Rise” …

November 14, 2021December 4, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“The Falling“

For every other person who “shows the world” nothin’ but the lollipops and rainbows in their lives, there’s the ones like me who are here to keep things REAL! I hit the ground this weekend and leveled the YEARS of blood, sweat, tears, and toil slaying my dragon. Literally, and not metaphorically, all that hard work went in the fucking toilet. Yes, my friends, even phoenixes crash and burn, especially when what’s eating her alive is living, breathing spider web that is currently trying to devour my babies.

For now, I’ll just have to forgive myself with all the power and grace I am, get the crown back up on my head, pick up my sword, and put this bitch to sleep again. I am only as weak as my very worst enemy, which as for now has just become me. This, too, shall pass, and, “Just for today, I will try to live through THIS day only”.

The next time you see me, I’ll be at one of the most MAGICAL places on this planet with the Mona Lisa gearing up to return and face a dragon. Oh, and by the way, I will NOT rest until the day that FUCKING Venom suit is finally off my kid’s body. In the meantime …

My Dearest Cat:

I can see the weight there in your eyes. I can feel the thorn in your side. Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight (again). The road we’re on’s not a dead-end street, even with the glass broken underneath our feet. You KNOW the day will break this Sunless night. THE SUN WILL RISE! You haven’t lost your Light – THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! You’ve been stuck in a storm like this before and felt the wind raging at your door. We couldn’t move, we couldn’t breathe, we couldn’t find a way out. Still those clouds all disappeared and you and I finally made it here, maybe just so you could hear me say: THE SUN WILL RISE! YOU’LL BE ALRIGHT! I already know that you can see it, even though it’s so hard to believe it. It’s times like now you just need to hold on to your faith. YOU are the answer to our prayer, and I swear when TOMORROW comes … THE SUN WILL RISE. IT’LL BE ALRIGHT!

Love you FOREVER …

“ME”

{Adaptation from “The Sun Will Rise” by Kelly Clarkson}

NOVEMBER 12, 2021: “Like I Am” …

November 12, 2021April 18, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

At this point in my life, I have become a staunch proponent of leaving the past in the past, because looking in the rearview mirror can do much more harm than good if you haven’t reached that threshold yet where even beautiful memories can level you. That being said, I am also wise enough to know that sometimes you really do have to look backwards in order to keep moving forward. Not only is studying the past the best way to either repeat or not repeat certain cycles, mistakes, triumphs and even people, it can also be where the most authentic looks at ourselves can be found.

For example, the famous “Cheeseburger & Tears” text between Christian and Zack from November 12, 1996, that I recently saw on his phone again. Trust me when I tell you that everything in my soul wanted to burst into tears when I saw it, but then something prolific just washed right over my heart and stopped the tears that were filling my eyes literally dead in their tracks. It was a poignant look at myself through another person’s eyes and words:

I have my own major flaws that your mom doesn’t talk about because she always thinks the best of everyone.

Indeed, it’s true. I really do always think the best of everyone. Well, at least I try to that is. It’s both a major character flaw and a major character perk, depending on “what” or who is on the receiving end of my seemingly bottomless pit of forgiveness. Even now with my boundaries as firmly BOUND and in place as possible, my heart is as ever more marshmallow than steel. I mean, don’t get me wrong, a fortress I truly am, especially when it comes to “peopling“, and as a living queen, I accept nothing less than everything.

At the end of the day, though, as I was sitting with Zack’s phone in my hand trying to decide whether to cry or smile, it was the latter of the two that won the prize. This “Cheeseburger & Tears” text reminded me once again of not just who I am, but that I was truly and unconditionally loved just like I am, which as we all know is one of the many reasons I’m still sitting here at all with the insurmountable and unconditional love I now have for myself.

Inasmuch as I’ve come to adore Rascal Flatts over the years, of course they were the background music for our many road trip adventures. With that, I cannot tell you how many times this song must have cued up, at which point we’d always lock hands (if they weren’t already locked) and I’d get the “three squeeze I love you“. So, today as I’m listening to it, I’m tweaking the words and singing it to him out loud:

Lying here without you, I know you watch me sleep. The dawn is closing in with every breath I breathe. I can feel the change – the change you made in me. And now I truly see all the things you saw in me. When you said that I was one of a kind. Baby, I couldn’t see it, but you believed that I’m so strong and true. I promise you – I’ll always be this kind of girl, because loved me like I am.

Okay, and just for the record, NOW I’m actually crying my eyes out. Good grief. It’s okay. They’re happy tears, not sad ones. Well, maybe just a little sad. Okay, I’m done.

NOVEMBER 10, 2021: “Birds” …

November 10, 2021April 21, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because after all this time becoming “the crazy bird lady” but not being quite sure why, every one of their beautiful wings just delivered me full circle with an answer from The Cosmos that I simply cannot explain. Some day when the time is right and the seasons have come and gone enough such that she can finally read this Diary, only my Mona Lisa will fully understand the magnitude of the moments behind this entry. Gia, my muse, I’m sobbing as I’m writing this to you, but my tears are only filled with gratitude and joy.

When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I too will be flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me.

Looks like I got that answer we were talking about, and actually so did you. God is so good, as are all these messages, and these BIRDS will just keep speaking the truth. I love you daughter, and YES, we really are okay!

BIRDS

Two hearts, one valve. Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood, we were the body and – two lives, one life, stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down, makin’ it right. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Sunsets, sunrises. Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves changin’ the seasons. Some nights I think of you, relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last – wishin’ and dreamin’. Seasons, they will change. Life will make you grow. Death can make you hard, hard, hard. Everything is temporary. Everything will slide. Love will never die, die, die. I know that ooh, birds fly in different directions. Ooh, I hope to see you again. Ooh, birds fly in every direction. Ooh, so fly high, so fly high. When the moon is lookin’ down shinin’ light upon your ground, I’m flyin’ up to let you see that the shadow cast is me. {Imagine Dragons}