So, I have a very special message for all of you from both the dearly departed and very much loved Chester Bennington, who, too, shared the same fate as my husband – AND – from God Himself. It’s pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes …
When you feel you’re alone – cut off from this cruel world – your instincts telling you to run. Listen to your heart. Those angel voices. They’ll see you to you – they’ll be your guide back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind. When you suffered it all, and your spirit is breaking. You’re growing desperate from the fight – REMEMBER YOUR LOVED – and you always will be. This melody will always bring you right back home. When life leaves us blind – LOVE KEEPS US KIND. It keeps us kind.
{Chester Bennington … Linkin’ Park}
And now a message from ME. It’s also pretty easy to decipher – so – here it goes:
Chin Up!
Knuckles Out!
Don’t let all the darkness in this world snuff out your beautiful light and make you lose faith in the power of kindness and love.
… that moment he sends yet another of his cryptic music messages the day after suffering yet another “heavy” loss, and the only response you could think to send him after finally listening to the “heavy” song he sent you is this:
I just finally listened to this song. I’d never heard it before, believe it or not. I wanted to wait until I was in a calmer headspace from everything that happened this weekend. Now I’m crying.
Son, I know you don’t like your mind right now, but remember that all these “problems” are stacking up for something bigger than either of us will ever understand. They seem “unnecessary”, but believe it or not, they are very much “necessary”. I wish I could slow things down too sometimes, but we CAN’T let go. Chester said it best – “there’s comfort in the panic”. I know it’s fucking shitty when things don’t go the way we plan, but you will NEVER understand “the Light” until you’ve made peace with the panic in the dark.
I used to drive my OWN self crazy. Have you met me? I’M YOUR MOTHER! Nothing that you, me, or your sister have had to rise above WAS ever “about us”. Then again, it was. It’s an oxymoron, and it’s so fucking complicated, but then again, not so much. You’ll escape the gravity, just like I have, when you finally learn to stop overthinking the things that aren’t meant to be understood. Everything we go through is meant to change us. We can’t change this shitty ass world, Christian. We can only change ourselves. That’s when we become pebbles in our own little ocean of change.
All I ask of you is to do the best that you can, “just for today”, cut yourself some breaks, and stop giving yourself hell for no reason. You are NOT the “piece of shit” they always say you are! You are MY son, no one else’s, and you are better than that monster that lives inside your head. Tell him to go fuck off. That’s what I did. I told that biotch dragon in my brain to go suck on a tailpipe. May she rest in peace. I love you kiddo.
… and just like that, I can’t help but feel that he is getting so close to bringing himself full circle that I hardly fucking stand it. He really is his mother’s son, and if anyone can rise above the mess we all kinda made for him, it’s him. He knows.HE KNOWS! He knows he’s carrying too much on his shoulders!
The guilt. The shame. The remorse. THE PAST! I will not rest until I see both my kids made whole! The weight of this world is way too heavy for anyone to have to carry all alone. He needs to know HOW to let it go.
Dear God,
Hi there, it’s me again, Your favorite daughter EVER! I’m asking you please. JUST PLEASE! Please help him set down the piles of BULLSHIT that are weighing him down so he can start letting go of all the things that are out of his control and holding on to all the things that are. He’s right there on the cusp of every amazing thing You had planned for him in the first place.Please, I’m begging you. PLEASE!
Don’t you remember that day in the hospital? That was the day I was struggling between the two names we’d picked for him: “Wolfgang” or “Christian?” I went with Christian, even though at the time You and I weren’t quite on the same page.I mean, I knew that You were real, but I had NO idea who You really were, how much You truly loved me, or that You were already not only a part of my daily existence, but had long been working on my long-term survival plan.
Not a single day has passed since that day I fell in love with You that I haven’t fully believed that eventually he would grow into his name, and especially over these years of watching him struggle and toil. You already know that “he is his mother’s son”, which I suppose is the reason You ever gave him to me in the first place. Can’t it please just be time now? I love you, and I trust You, but I’m just getting so tired of watching him wander alone inside his own head the way that I used to do. Isn’t time for him to come home to HIMSELF and start living his life as an apostrophe? I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, but could probably do without having to lose another man I love to the darkness inside his own mind. Just sayin’.
HEAVY
I don’t like my mind right now – stacking up problems that are so unnecessary. Wish that I could slow things down – I wanna let go, but there’s comfort in the panic. And I drive myself crazy thinking everything’s about me. Yeah, I drive myself crazy, ’cause I can’t escape the gravity. I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? I’m holding on to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on … Why is everything so heavy? You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure the world is out to get me. It’s not like I make the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy. I know I’m not the center of the Universe, but you keep spinning ’round me just the same. I’m holding on … Why is everything so heavy? If I just let go, I’d be set free. {Linkin’ Park}
I saw a conversation amongst parents on social media recently about “how they were dealing with the fact that their children didn’t turn out as they’d hoped”. It was perplexing, to say the least, and after reading the various comments , I had to take a moment and pause. So, I asked myself that very same question, and this is where I landed:
I have had three babies.
One of them is already in Heaven, which of course is not what I’d “hoped” for her. Although I was only blessed by her physical presence for a literal handful of fleeting hours (“handful” meaning that she literally fit in the palm of my hand), there’ve been moments I’ve actually thanked God for getting her Home safely and out of this often wretched mortal world the rest of us are shackled too sooner rather than later. Let’s be honest, folks. Regardless of the hope, joy, beauty and laughter there truly are to be found in this temporary Earthly home, “humanity” is not for the faint of heart and it takes an immense amount of courage, faith, and suffering to survive it.
So, yes, I’m thankful she never had to endure the gauntlet of simply existing. I know where she is now. She’s safe, loved, and treasured beyond comprehension by a Love even greater than mine, and for that I am truly grateful. I believe that when I myself get to the brighter side of all this grey, she’ll be there waiting for me right beside my husband, who too is eternally safe and free from the suffering he knew here on Earth.
Then, there are the two who are still here with me. If I’ve learned anything in my journey thus far, it’s that as their mom, nothing is more crucial for their mental wealth and and growth then my unconditional love and acceptance of them just as they are,and even more so, JUST AS THEY AREN’T!
Due to theextremedysfunction in my childhood, wherein my parents (who were also raised in dysfunction) perpetuated the “works and deeds” system of parenting cyclically bequeathed them. “Love, affection, praise, and reward” were earned, not freely given, and even the smallest perceived failure or in their eyes would often cost me everything. I cannot tell you how many times they’d “wash their hands of me” over the years for falling short of their often impossible expectations. I was guilted and shamed for “not being good” far too many times to count, which eventually cost me my sanity. Meanwhile, here I am at peace with my past, my present, and my future, and fully connected back to that elusive younger me who was missing from the mirror all those years.
Long story short, this is how I deal with the fact that my children aren’t turning out “as I’d hoped”:
I DON’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE!
As their mother, my job was never to try and understand them, but rather, free them from the incessant need to completely understand themselves and allow them to be who THEY were meant to be … not what I or anyone else in this world TOLD them they should be. Their mental health and happiness are all I ever hope for. Their lives are their lives, and they need only be accountable to themselves when setting their own achievement bars. No matter how high or low they set them, they will never be failures in my eyes. If they want to grow up and sell lemonade from a bus, so be it, as long as they’re selling the BEST damn lemonade they can possibly sell and they sleep peacefully at night after doing so.
I believe with every shred of my being that the moment these kids became a part of my heart, soul, blood and bones, my job as the mother who was blessed by their presence on my flight path was to teach them how to steal the Sun and learn to fly according their own flight paths, not mine.
My kids don’t owe me a single thing, by the way – not even “love and respect”. Do they love and respect me? Indeed, I think they do. Yet, as paradoxical as it may seem, both love and respect are the consequence of free will and cannot be forced or commanded. My babies were not born to be extensions of me. They are their own autonomous beings. I want them to love and respect me because they choose to love and respect me, not because I demand it. They’re people, not machines, with thoughts and feelings of their own. The best that I can do is to keep freely giving what I “hope” to receive in return, regardless of their reciprocation.
There is nothing they can do or say that will keep me from being proud of them, and all I ever ask for is their best in all they do, that they grow from their mistakes, learn from all of mine, and treat themselves and others kindly. Neither of them is perfect, and each has had some challenges courtesy of their own dysfunctional childhood and me. It took me a minute to pull my head out of my own ass, get the help I needed to become whole, and stop acting like the consummate victim. But I did, and they know it, and we are all in this thing together separately.
At the end of the day, my job as their mom will be a true success if they learn to make peace with that mirror on the wall for the impeccably flawed masterpieces they are – lemonade stands and all! My son is a KING in the making, and my daughter a warrior QUEEN just like me. All three of us are battle born SURVIVORS who’ve “gotten” to learn the very hard way that nothing here matters unconditional love and acceptance, which, (ps), they will always have from their mom and we ALL have from our God. I love them as they are – nothing more and nothing less – because that’s how He loves me!
Today is your birthday … “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-True” … so, what better way to celebrate the beautiful life you are living than to read this love note to the body you still get to occupy despite your best attempts to ever so passively, yet ever so aggressivelymurder it for too many years to count?
When you saw this stranger’s words recently, they leveled you in the most bittersweet ways. Since that day, you’ve read them over and over and over again, and knowing you the way I do, I suspect you’ll continue to do so for the remainder of your journey here on Earth. They’re impeccable and powerful to us both!
To anyone reading this, yes, this is one of those songs that has impacted my life in such a profound way that it’s earned a repost in my Diary. Only this time I’ve changed up the words:
Never again! Never give in! Never give in! I wouldn’t have wished that on just anyone, but she seemed to share my impulse. I wouldn’t have taken that from just anyone, but she seemed to like the result. So, I connected the dots and I told her when to stop. I chose to keep on going rather and NOT be something that I’m not. We were creatures of habit. We couldn’t live without it. We didn’t have to answer to anyone. We were chasing the rabbit, like creatures of habit, and no one else knew where we were coming from. And everything has changed, ’cause I didn’t fucking run away. There’s no need to panic, ’cause it’s no longer tragic.
… because just as sure as this Marianne Williamson quote that has long been a favorite of mine is so very true, it only recently dawned on me that it applies to ourselves as well. So, I tweaked it up a bit, “Real Cat” style …
But why would we even want to embrace our dark side? I believe it’s our subconscious need for self-love, acceptance, and connection to our higher power. For me? That “higher power” is God. Look, even the brightest stars can’t shine without the black of night, so sometimes you have to go DEEP into the abyss to find out what you’re really made of and come back out carrying the torch for others.
Everybody’s got a dark side. Do you love me? Can you love mine?
I am beyond thankful for the small handful of people who have indeed been brave enough to love me unconditionally, even despite my very dark side, not the least of whom is God Himself. I’m even more thankful that I have reached a place in my journey where I, too, am now able to truly make peace with and embrace other people’sdark side if I need to.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … Zachariah went zero dark hour in the months before he left. It’s the sobering, tragic truth. The things he did to me and my daughter would blow your mind. Yes, I’ve truly forgiven him, and, yes, I still feel love for him despite the devastating horror his “dark side” brought into our lives in the end.
Umm, hi! I believe that humans are “supposed to be” the most authentic version of what and who they are, whether that be “normal”, or “abnormal”. As and aside, I personally believe that both those words, “normal” and “abnormal”, are much too subjective to be used as a baseline for humanity. Who exactly sets the standard, and what exactly entitled them to do so?
WHO’S “THEY”?
They say we need to be a certain way to fit the mold, or so they say, but who’s they? How can we pretend to care and bend because we’re told we’re not okay? Who’s they? We can’t go wrong when we all stand tall and we sing the same song. We’ll find it hard not to get along. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. La da da da da da. We’ll find it hard not to sing along.
In my journey, it’s God who’s “they”. It’s God who sets the standard for everything human, and even that is subjective, as the personal lens through which I see, understand, and relate to Him is based solely on my unique life experiences thus far. For as much as I believe my conscious is the mode through which God speaks directly to me, I haven’t yet had the chance to sit down and have a conversation with Him about everything He intended to be “standard” for creation:
… lest you remember that although not a single one of them damn peoples’ nasty, misperceived opinions of you matters, YOUR SELF-REFLECTION DOES! In being honest and taking this even a step further, for me, personally, it’s only my self-reflection through God’s eyes that matters to me. But hey, you know what? My faith journey is my faith journey, and although I do so wish you ALL well on your own faith journeys, that’s a totally different Diary entry for another day. In the meantime, you just do whatever it takes to make friends with that person you see standing in the mirror, because like it or not, that beautiful creature looking back at you is your ride or die from this day ’til eternity! How YOU feel and what YOU think of YOU is EVERYTHING …
So, with that, I don’t think there’s a viable answer to this question. What’s “normal” to some may be “abnormal” to others. Thus … the human experience … for which I say to “they”:
Long story short? If you don’t like the standards and norms that “he” owns, maybe you should spend a little more time worrying about why you even care in the first place and a little more time worrying about the standards and norms that YOU OWN!
How often do you think about your death, or even death in general? Does it scare you? Consume you? Fill you with anguish and despair? That’s understandable, of course, but it’s not the way for me.
I can honestly say that I don’t spend much time thinking about death at all, and certainly not my own, because I have made the choice to just live in every moment. Not yesterday. Not tomorrow. Not even five minutes from now. For all I know, an airplane could come crashing through my window while I’m writing this and Jean Claude Van DAMN I’m outta here!
I have had to learn the very hard way that “Death Is Nothing At All“. Three nails, a crown, and a cross literally hammered that in for me. Sufficed to say, while I definitely don’t fear it, I’m not exactly excited about it, because I still have so many things I want to do. But indeed, it’s inevitable, and I made peace with that a long time ago. If I don’t wake up tomorrow, and today was my last trip around the Sun, I leave here knowing I’ve done my best in every thing, and I’m ready.
I have an unbreakable bond with the God I know created me and what is waiting for me on The Brighter Side Of Grey. So, I choose to live a life of joy, hope, and gratitude for all that was, is, and ever may or may not be. It’s my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith theory that keeps my eyes on the prize, as I truly believe that one of the worst things that can become a human soul is not embracing the reality that we … are going … TO DIE! Those of us who are lucky enough to finally reach this crossroad always live like we are dying, because guess what folks? WE ARE!
Leave no stone unturned and waste no time worrying about the inevitable. There’s no time like the present to start squeezing every ounce of everything you were meant to savor in this temporary life. Now, I’m not saying we should be jumping up and down with joy, like, “Whoop! Imma be takin’ a dirt nap one day!” I’m saying that with a little faith and a compass set to eternity, there is an immense amount of freedom and comfort in knowing that the best part of all of this is yet to come.
But, Cat, there’s a pretty good chance that all this crazy ‘God’ stuff isn’t real.
But let me ask you this: WHAT IF IT IS? Are you really willing to hedge that big of a bet with your soul and have your all your hopes and dreams just end in the heart of a graveyard?
True freedom is understanding that some things just aren’t meant to be understood, because they’re NOT, and that having blind faith in all the things we can’t know isn’t as scary it seems. Even if we’re wrong about the things we deaf, dumb, and BLINDLY believe, we’re still “halfway right”. As far as I’m concerned, “halfway right” is still a 50/50 odd, and I will gladly bet on it.
As for me? Indeed, I’ve been called “crazy” by far too many people for far too many reasons to list. Lol. At this point, I all but embrace it! Being called “crazy” for not being afraid to die? I’ll wear that little badge with honor!
CRAZY
Why I would I spend my life longing for the day that it would end? Why would I spend my time pointing to another man? Isn’t that crazy? How can I find hope in dying, with promises unseen? How can I learn Your way is better than everything I’m taught to be? Isn’t that crazy? I have not been called to the wisdom of this world, but to a God who’s calling out to me. And even though the world may think I’m losing touch with reality, it would be crazy to choose this world over eternity. And if I boast, let me boast of filthy rags made clean. And if I glory, let me glory in my Savior’s suffering. Isn’t that crazy? And as I live this daily life, I trust you for everything, and I will only take a step when I feel You leading me. Isn’t that crazy? {Mercy Me}
Yes, I am an ecumenical abuser, and 5,000% believe that what’s good for the goose is even better for the gander. Show me a perfect woman, anywhere, EVER, and I’ll tell you that Jesus’s mom, Mary, is already dead and gone!
Does anyone care to know how many men I was a train wreck DISASTER to before I pulled myself together and became so “mentally wealthy”? Not that I’m proud of it, but yup, IT’S THE SOBERING TRUTH! Some of my former toxic behaviors and mindsets were indeed the real problem in some of my past relationships. I’m no angel, never was, never will be, and ZERO am I a victim “because I’m a woman”.
We ALL can behave badly, regardless of our gender, so check yourself in the mirror before you marry yourself to the ass backwards idea that “ALL MEN” are worthless assholes.
Here’s the deal folks … I have raised a son. I’ve been BLESSED to have been loved by and known a few TRULY good men. It’s a major trigger to me when I hear a woman cursing the name of “MAN”! Sorry. NOT SORRY! It’s GROSS, overdone, and toxic.
“Us v. Them”
Umm, HELLO? It’s not a fucking competition. IT’S A COLLABORATION! We all have power and value to bring to the table. Respect for each other’s roles (oh, SNAP, I said the “r” word) is first and foremost when setting up that table to foster ideal circumstances. And this concludes my five minutes of contribution to society for the day. Carry on now.
It took a lifetime to find the voice behind my sometimes obnoxious self-righteousness. BEEN THERE!DONE ALL OF IT! At this point, I believe I’ve earned the right to NOT have to argue with village idiots, unless, of course, I want to. As far as I’m concerned, it’s one of the perks of being “Fifty-ONE-Derful”, soon to be “Fifty-TWO-Good-To-Be-True”, and not giving a flipping shit about anyone else’s “opinion” is just so frigging AWESOME! Not gonna lie, I probably take way too much pleasure pissing people off with my “Real Cat” truth bombs. It brings me such satisfaction knowing I’ve aggravated someone by not allowing them to throw their own mic back at me. When someone wants to argue with me for just for the sake of arguing, or better yet, defending or trying to justify some bullshit they’re trying to schlep? Nope, not interested. Thank you – drive through please!
But here’s the GOOD news:
As righteous as I may ever be, not once have I claimed to be perfect. As a matter of fact, I’ve probably fucked way more things and people up than anyone else on their very worst day, and I’m not afraid to admit it! Many of my former BULLSHIT, toxic behaviors were abysmal and egregious to say the least. But you see, for all my personal smites and crimes against other people and myself, I have accounted for, acknowledged, and atoned for as much of the damage I’ve bestowed to the best of my ability. “Ignorance” is no longer my bliss!
Anyone who finds themselves at the receiving end of guilt, shame, or anger after reading something I wrote? That’s about THEM, not about ME, so they’ll just need to check their deflection in the mirror before they have to spend a shit ton of time going back to the people they’ve fucked over with their own “accounting, acknowledging, and atoning”! BEEN THERE! DONE THAT, TOO! Those were not my best days ever. In the meantime, maybe, just maybe, someone will actually learn from my many mistakes.
For the record, I 2,000% know that many of my “opinions, truths, thoughts and beliefs” are neither ideal or realistic, and that some of them may just, be, WRONG! But they’re mine, ALL MINE, I earned them, I own them, I REAPED THEM, I SEWED THEM, and I stand by every seemingly acrimonious thing I say. Sorry, NOT sorry … but I do NOT apologize!
I don’t know exactly how to express what I am feeling right now, other than to just write these words of gratitude. Not a day goes by since you had to leave this place – two years ago this night – that we don’t see you, hear you, and feel you in every space we are, and I don’t think that will ever change. Even with all the things you broke, and the unspeakable ways you hurt us both in your literal insanity, I look around at “everywhere” and marvel at the life you left behind for us “from the ground up” from the broken pieces the people who were supposed to love you left you in.
It’s my truest prayer that you can still “see us” and you know we’re doing okay. No, better than okay. We’re not just QUEENS – we’re the ENIGMAS you loved back to life – even despite your own self. You’re in all our conversations, every one of our smiles, all the songs we sing, and the endless joy and laughter we embrace. The enormous light you left behind us has fully engulfed that last bit of your darkness, and now only “the brighter side” of your legacy lives on in every precious ounce of our grey.
It was an honor to call you ours, and only ever ours. It always was and always will be. Though you’re not physically “here” with us, you’re still everywhere, in everything, and I suppose that’s just the way it was supposed to be. You were one of our most beautiful seasons, but seasons must surely change. We love you. We miss you. We won’t ever forget you! We’ll just take you how we have you into the rest of our days on this Earth until we can see you again.
Today, we decided not to shed a tear. God knows that we deserve better. Instead, we’re just leaving some of your ashes at the pier, then have Red Robin teriyaki burgers in your honor.
… and again with these Facebook “Memories” that either are or are not driving me insane!
“7 years ago” today …
… how selfish of someone who has everything in the world to commit suicide”. Just read that complete and total bullshit and it’s so beyond infuriating. It’s called depression people, and it knows no boundaries! As if someone actually wakes up one morning and says “Okay, I’m feeling kind of selfish today so I think I’ll just asphyxiate myself”. Been there, done that. It means a human being is in SO much unbearably excruciating pain, sometimes both mentally AND physically, that the only escape they see or “feel” from the noose around their own heart is sleep. It’s the ultimate end to the many broken voices in their mind. Don’t judge. Instead, be on your knees thanking your God that you’ve never been in such a deafeningly silent place. Seriously? And by the way, someone please define “everything”. If someone has “everything” they must not become depressed?
Little did I know what was lying in wait ahead of me just “5 years and 11 days later”.
If you’ve been following this Diary, you know that, yes, I have forgiven him for everything he did, which, PS, is more than anyone can fathom. As I’ve cryptically said before, there is so much more that happened in his bat-shit fucking CRAZY psychosis than the world outside of our immediate family will ever know.
Short of that, NO, I still don’t think that suicide is selfish. You see, I, too, have been in that place and survived my own suicide attempt on November 8,1996. So, with that, I say this, and will hold steadfast to this thought eternally: If you think that suicide is selfish, then you’ve obviously never been truly suicidal yourself. So, consider yourself very lucky, because even ANGEL’S fall!
WHEN ANGELS FALL
I tried try to face the fight within, but it’s over. I’m ready for the riot to begin and surrender. I walked the path that led me to the end. Remember. I’m caught beneath with nothing left to give forever. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. Grey skies will chase the light away no longer. I fought the fight, now only dark remains. Forever. Divided I will stand, and I will let this end. When angels fall with broken wings – I can’t give up, I can’t give in. When all is lost and daylight ends, I’ll carry you and we will live forever. Forever. The Sun begins to rise and wash away the sky. The turning of the tide. Don’t leave it all behind! And I will never say goodbye – when angels fall.
Indeed, it’s true, I really did survive my own insanity from one of the most stigmatic, complicated, and difficult to treat mental illnesses in “the book“. (Yes, there’s really a book.) Other than my faith, my children, and knowing fully what my purpose is in life, my “insanity survival” is one of my most epic and treasured medals of war!
Hi everyone! It’s me, Cat! Once upon a time, I lost my own damn mind – LITERALLY – not figuratively – and here I am to effing brag about it! How do ya like me now?
If you are struggling with a little bit of personal “offness“, please rest assured as you take a look around that although the road to hell may, indeed, be paved with good intentions, and that they rarely, if ever, mention all the “real and in between”, that there is a beautiful dream to be lived through it all if you’ll just open up your eyes and start living while you’re still alive.
Statistics say that one of those “normal” people standing right beside you may very well be struggling with a textbook insanity of their own. Never forget that mental illness doesn’t always look like insanity, either, which is what makes it such an unpopular monster. So often it’s invisible and just hiding in solitary behind a “look how happy I am” smile.
Please just GET HELP for whatever is trying to drown you. There is a Light at the end of your Darkness, but once you make it out of either a proverbial or actual padded room, don’t you dare be ashamed for one fucking second! Just because not everyone is brave enough to talk about the fucked up places they’ve been, it doesn’t mean they haven’t been there! As a matter of fact, if ever you get in a tangle with a mega-douche who has the nerve to say, “Wow, you’re just a whack-a-doodle, aren’t you?”, or worse yet, hold your mental illness over your head, this should be your response:
Oh, and one last thing … as per the quote below … I really do feel bad for anyone who’s never gone bat shit actual fuckin’ crazy. What’s the point of living if you haven’t survived a really deep dive into your own broken mind and soul and made face to face contact, if not “friends” with your inner demons?
This is quite possibly one of my favorite “1 Year Ago” memories so far!
Mom, is it okay if I wear one of Dad’s shirts”?
I’m not sure if any sentence in my life has ever impacted me as much as this one. As I’ve said before, there are less than two handfuls of people who know what Gia really went through with Zack’s suicide and preceding insanity. The mere fact that she has been able to make peace with not only his death, but the actual demonthat was living in his mind that hurt us both beyond fathom in the end is literally mind-numbing. At this point in the process, she has forgiven him for everything, talks about him incessantly, and still correlates him to every best part of her life and childhood.
My “Mona Lisa” is an enigma and everything I aspire to be when I grow up. I am SUCH a lucky woman to have been chosen to be her mother, and I just cannot say it enough.
She had come to believe it was the dark days of the past that made her impossibly strong, and it was years before she realized she was wrong. She was forged from steel at His design. “Strong” is what she was. “Light” is who she’d be. The darkness merely forced her to prove it.
She would have to rewrite her fairytale an infinite number of times, but never once did she cower at the thought of starting over. Deep in her heart, she believed that she was only ever sent here to master the art of diving deep into her own soul and embracing the love and magic that had been waiting to meet her there all along. She’d somehow always known that every ending was just a beginning, and even the most beautiful seasons had to change.
Each time the devil tried to steal the crown from her head, she’d adapt, survive, and emerge from her cocoon the ungroundable Phoenix she was. She was a creation of Light that couldn’t be dimmed … God’s very favorite daughter and divinely appointed “apostrophe”:
I’m an apostrophe. I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see. I’m just a product of the system. A catastrophe … and yet a masterpiece … and yet I’m half diseased … and when I am deceased, at least I’ll go down to the grave and die happily … leave the body and my soul to be a part of thee. I’ll do what it takes.
{“Whatever It Takes” … Imagine Dragons}
“She” is me!
“She” can be YOU!
If you are stumbling in a darkness of your own, please let me to encourage you to pick up the crown that the devil kicked off your head and put it right back where it belongs! Not just for you, but for the sake of all the others who are standing in your halo. Even as you read this, your name is being mentioned in rooms you’ve yet to enter where plans are being drawn by The Powers just for you!
As for me?
Just like all the stars in the sky that punctuate this world with their halo, I will continue to beam through the infinite abyss that would love nothing better than to swallow me alive. I’ll keep reminding myself that my soul is ablaze with all the mysterious and illustrious things that dying eyes desperately need to see to help them find their way back home.
We were all created from perfection! We were all divinely inspired!We are all a product of the Light that all the darkness in this world wants to extinguish, and all God’s “favorite” children.
Many cheers to a highly successful weekend of celebrating the beautiful enigma I am blessed to call my daughter! Most people have no idea the REAL battles this girl has risen above, nor the infinite and astounding amounts of grace and forgiveness she has shown SO many people that truly don’t deserve it. Someone recently asked me that age-old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up”? My answer was INSTANT and easy …
I want to be more like my daughter!
This often SHITHOLE of a world is SUCH a better place with her in it, and I cannot say it enough. She’s got a personality like me (she’s careful who she lets in), so anyone worthy enough to be in the glow of her halo is one truly lucky human soul. I love you Gloria Catherine. You are EVERY flawless stone in my jewel encrusted crown. I thank God every single day for picking ME to be your momma. No, I probably didn’t deserve her, but here I am rocking the “HAPPY SWEET SIXTEEN TO MY PRINCESS!” And remember …
You’re beautiful, baby, from the outside in. Chase your dreams, but always know the road that’ll lead you home again. Go on, take on this whole world, but to me you know you’ll always be MY little girl!
TO MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD(ME!):
Ooh, you make me live. Whatever this world can’t give to me. It’s you – you’re all I see. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the best friend that I ever had. I’ve been with you such a long time! You’re my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true. I really love you! Oh, you’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Ooh, I’ve been wandering ’round. Still come back to you. In rain or shine, you’ve stood by me girl. I’m happy at home. You’re my best friend! Ooh, you make me live. Whenever this world is cruel to me, I got you to help me forgive. Ooh, you make me live now, honey. Ooh, you make me live. Oh, you’re the first one when things turn out bad. You know I’ll never be lonely. You’re my only one, and I love the things – I really love the things that you do! Oh, you’re my best friend! {Queen}
Yes, IT’S TRUE, “me and me” are thick like THIEVES and we’re staying in this game for the long haul! Jean-Claude Van DAMN, when I think of where I’d be by now had I figured this out WAY back at the beginning of the story, I kinda want to shake “that me” and say …
Hey bitch! You’re okay! You’re gonna fucking be okay! I promise, promise, PROMISE that I won’t let you down when the seasons change. CHIN UP! KNUCKLES OUT! Dry your eyes, ’cause we got this!
On second thought, nah. I live with no regrets! Nothing can be gained if nothing is ever lost. It’s all just a part of the experience and I wouldn’t change a single thing.
If you are reading this now, I wish you well! When you close your eyes tonight, please don’t fall asleep before making a solemn pact with YOU to start treating YOU like you’re own best friend! Let’s face it – it’s kinda rough out there folks. This world can be a shitty place to wander around in all alone. There are cruel people AND circumstances waiting around every corner to break your effing back.
“Joe’s Farm” ~ Piedmont, New Hampshire Courtesy Of Bill Hower
… Somehow He Found A Way!
On this day, twenty-three years ago, I woke up not only in celebration of the first true love of my life’s 35th birthday, but even more so of the fact that it was on that day that he’d decided to take my then six year old son to a very special lunch and ask his permission to marry me. Little did I know that just as the clock struck midnight, one of the most beautiful souls to have ever crossed my path would be leaving this place in the Blaze Of Glory he truly was.
But here’s the deal …
Death is still nothing at all! At this point in my journey, I can’t even make myself cry tears of sorrow and grief for the many beautiful gifts I’ve had but lost. Now, does that mean I never cry? Of course not! I am only human after all. My tears these days are shed in an abundance of gratitude for everything I have “gotten to have” but lost. All too often, I literally fall to my knees and thank God profusely for the magnanimous ways He’s always “showing me” just how much He loves me. I get signs from random places, cryptic messages when I least expect them, messages in the fog, and even “letters and pictures” from virtual strangers (like the one of “Joe’s Farm” above).
Dearest Mine … I am writing to say how much I care for you and to say how much I want you to know me better. When you awoke this morning, I exploded a brilliant sunrise through your window hoping to get your attention, but you rushed off without even noticing. Later, I noticed you were walking with some friends, so I bathed you in warm sunshine and perfumed the air with nature’s sweet scent, and still, you didn’t notice me. As you passed by, I shouted to you in a thunderstorm and painted a beautiful rainbow in the sky and you didn’t even look. In the evening, I spilled moonlight onto your face and sent a cool breeze to rest you. As you slept, I watched over you and shared your thoughts, but you were unaware that I was so near. I have chosen you and hope you will talk to me soon. Until then, I will remain near.
I am your friend and love you very much.
Jesus
{Author Unknown}
… to which my response is this …
Dearest Mine …
I am writing YOU to say I know how much You care, and to thank You for letting me know YOU! When I awoke this morning, You exploded a brilliant sunrise through my window yet again, and YES you have my attention! Today, as always, I will bask in the warmth of Your Sunshine and the air I still “get to breathe” that You’ve perfumed with Your intoxicating scent. Each time You pass by, I cry out to You from my heart with joy for all those thunderstorms, paintings, and rainbows You’ve sent me. Tonight, as You watch me sleep, please continue to share Your thoughts. I choose YOU, and thank you for all the gifts, and signs, and messages. I AM AWARE AND WILL REMAIN NEAR.
I am your child and I love YOU very much as well!
Catherine
It’s Saturday, May 29, 2021. I’m both a miracle and a QUEEN to have laid the two kings of my heart to rest at such a relatively young age. Yet, here I am, very much alive, mostly sane, and filled with an abundance of Light, magic and gratitude for the precious time I “got to have” with them.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIRK MITCHELL BOONE! I loved you so. Always have. Always will. Today I could only smile as I cherished and celebrated the beautiful season of my life with you, one of the many masterpieces sent to me by The Master Artist of all. Knowing Him the way I do, I’ll see you BOTH on The Brighter Side Of Grey.
There’ll be NO one like him. Into the mystery I slide. I’m hoping he’ll keep it all uncovered.
Kinda cryptic, right? Only God knows what the future holds for me. It’s either “been there, done that” reigning here alone, but not lonely, for the rest of my days on this Earth …
… OR …
There is one last king preparing himself and his table for ME somewhere out there in this realm. Admittedly, I won’t be an easy catch. If and when he either does or doesn’t show up, he’ll be a “sophisticated BEAST” to the core, who will win … no … TAKE the privilege and honor of ruling what’s left of my heart and seeing me completely naked:
I have long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM. Only time will tell if there is to be one last king who gets to see me naked, read the very private pages of this book, and speak to me in the language of my soul …
But, Cat! Didn’t you just say that you WON’T be an easy catch? That seems so contradictory.
That’s correct! I won’t be an easy catch. But you see, if “he” is who he’ll need to be to even capture my attention in the first place, it will be easy for him to catch me. It’ll be a cosmic clash of two titans on Earth, and that’s just the way it’s gonna be! I will only do this one more time, by the way, so if I do, he’ll be playing for keeps.
So, with that … this is me “queen speaking” into the Cosmos that I’m open to what and “if” is or is not meant to be. I’ve crossed on over to the brighter side of everthing … up to an including the possibility of “one last king”. IT IS SPOKEN! In the meantime, here’s to a repeat performance of one of my hands-down favorite life songs …
My son started singing “Hold My Hand” at around age three, and it wasn’t uncommon for him to literally take and “hold my hand” as we walked through any public space we traversed together as he belted it out loud for the world to hear. Not long after, another one cued up while I was driving him to school one morning. “A Song For Mama”. Ugh! He reached across the console and “held my hand” yet again and I sobbed like a baby girl. Years later, it was our bittersweet “Mother/Son” dance at The Frog & The Butterfly. That being said, have any of you ever really listened to the words?
You taught me everything and everything you’ve given me – I’ll always keep it inside. You’re the driving force in my life. There isn’t anything or anyone that I could be, and it just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t have you by my side. You were there for me to love and care for me when skies were gray. Whenever I was down, you were always there to comfort me, and no one else can be what you have been to me. You will always be the girl in my life for all times. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars, yes it is. Mama I just want you to know lovin’ you is like food to my soul. You’re always there for me, have always been around for me even when I was bad. You showed me right from my wrong. Yes you did. And you took up for me when everyone was downin’ me. You always did understand. You gave me strength to go on. There were so many times looking back when I was so afraid, and then you’d come to me and say to me I can face anything. And no one else can do what you have done for me. You’ll always be the girl in my life. Mama you know I love you. Mama you’re the queen of my heart. Your love is like tears from the stars. Mama I just want you to know – Lovin’ you is like food to my soul. Never gonna go a day without you. {Boyz 2 Men}
So, imagine you’re an impressionable young boy, or even a grown man who’s never had a mama to sing these words to? Worse yet, imagine you’re a boy who’s “mama” just got up and bolted because she was a self-consumed, vile excuse of a woman who took the utmost honor of motherhood and spat both it and her children upon the ground? Meanwhile, it seems that lately “all men are the devil” is the flavor of the day, but I gotta tell ya, those words will bring the actual DEVIL out of me! Unless you can prove that you have, indeed, known every man who is now or ever was, then man bashing “all men” makes you a moron and bigot. More so than that, however …
Anything men can do, WE can do better!
Well, then SUCK IT UP Rosie The Riveter, come down from your sanctimony, and shove that fuckin’ hammer that destroyed “the heart of the home” as the world once knew it right up your “I AM WOMAN! HEAR ME HAMMER!” ass, ’cause with that train of thought …
Anything MEN can fuck up, WE can fuck up BETTER!
Hey, ladies? Sometimes when you’re dealing with a “devil of a man”, the best thing to do is take a good hard look in the mirror. Have any of you ever stopped to consider that maybe you’re the one manifesting the devil out of him? Ya get what ya give, know what I’m sayin’? And by the way, don’t forget where we came from:
THEIR RIB!
I’m an ecumenical abuser, my friends. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose, so let’s stop pointing the finger at the other gender and just do a better job managing our own “roles” and business.
For fuck’s sake, the last time I checked, most people don’t even know what they want or need from the opposite sex, and God forbid a man tries to tell a woman what he needs, lest he be dubbed “weak”, shamed for showing his emotions, and emasculated for having (… drum roll, please …) “feelings”! I literally just puked in my own mouth!
We’re ALL human!
We’re ALL a hot mess!
We ALL make mistakes!
We can ALL be the devil from time to time!
The sobering truth is that the woman’s hand that was meant to rock the cradle, not destroy it! We’re the Earth, the Sun, the Moon, the stars and the entire COSMOS to the babies we carry. Even wild animals know this to be true and often do much better jobs raising their young than some of those “things” running around this bitch with wombs. I mean, HELLO? Do you KNOW where the black hole my husband finally succumbed to the night he swallowed that hollow point began? His “mother THING” threw him away the day he was born. Yet, even CROCODILE “mamas” instinctually know better than to either CAUSE or BRING harm to their nest.
But I’ve digressed …
Now, does a good, strong, emotionally wealthy and present father bear any value in raising a child? OF COURSE HE DOES! Do ya think I’m effing stupid? But you see, “mother love” is the fuel that supplies this world with the most valuable energy of all, and as that supply is steadily dwindling, huMANity is fucking FLAILING!
“Mama” is the only one who can make a human being, so “mama” is the one who wields the most power to SHATTER a human being irreparably. For every toxic “devil of a man” roaming this planet and giving “some men” a really bad wrap, chances are that you can trace his fucked up ways back to the hands of a worthless “mama” who didn’t rock his cradle. Sorry. NOT sorry! It’s the Jean-Claude Van DAMN cold hard truth, and I don’tcare what anyone has to say about it.
I thank GOD for the truly good men in this world. I respect them, value them, worry for them, and PRAY FOR THEM! I cherish and HONOR men as the strong towers they were intended to be. You see, I am a woman who’s been lucky enough to have been loved by not one, but TWO of the most beautiful KINGS who ever walked this Earth (make that three if you count my son) and often thank God that I wasn’t actually BORN a man. From the moment they draw their first breath, they’re expected to bear the literal weight of the world on their shoulders, and “stay at home trophy husband” usually ain’t an option for ’em. It’s a brutal reality that so many women take for granted.
If you are a man-hating biotch, you are NOT my people. Actually? You’re gross and the majority of what’s wrong with this world we’re ALL fucking up. So, take your “toxic masculinity” double standards of BULLSHIT back home to your family, cook some fuckin’ chicken for the man in your life if you’re lucky enough to have one, and get the HELL out of my Diary PRONTO!
Oh, and one last thing …
If you’re a man who’s reading this right now and thinking that every woman in this world wants your head on a stake and for you to burn in an actual place called Hell, here’s at least one woman that “sees you”. I’m especially sorry if you’re a motherless son due to the unnatural cause of “her choice”. That sucks, it’s not fair, and there’s a silent tear eternally running through my soul for you every day.
Would you do ANYTHING to protect the sanctity of your children’s environment, “mental wealth”, and well-being? Or are you one of those SELFISH MOMS who merely drags the children you were blessed with along through your carnival of “me, me, ME” bullshit and drama?
Happy Mother’s Day to all the GOOD moms out there! You’re the hands that rock the cradle! To all the rest of you girls who are lucky enough to call themselves “mom”, yet treat your children as an accessory if and when it’s convenient:
You’re the hands that DESTROY the cradle and the babies that were in them. You’ll be keeping the mental health system alive until the end of time. At least you’re doing your part to boost the economy, right? CONGRATS little girls! Not only are you GROSS and DISGUSTING – but YOU are primarily what’s wrong with this fucked up world we all live in! Yah, I said that! Sorry. NOT sorry! … “Sancti-MOM-Ius”
I call them “my girls”. My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.
Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of of my favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. If you know, YOU KNOW!
You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am notappreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.
You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are”, but rather, “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage:
To whom much is given, much is expected!
Then we have the humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …
Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.
Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.
The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.
Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen.You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.
Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.
It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.
Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!
The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.
Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling– AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER even driving it alone!
Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}
“The Duke Of Edinburgh” (June 10, 1921 ~ April 9, 2021)
Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.
Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But, then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s, and the utmost regard I have always held him in through my personal perspective.
Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST US IS? Still, someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”. My answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a broad spectrum, right?
Many people criticize, if not assault the monarchy’s autocratic rule, but I, for one, do not. They are, after all, mere mortal human beings like all of us, each with their own unique histories, backstories, and unknown personal human struggles. In my opinion, the Prince lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would have ever signed up for.
Farewell, Godspeed, and Goodbye My Prince.
“You have lived, and you have changed all our lives”. Well, maybe not all our lives, but you definitely changed mine. Your unwavering understanding of “the assignment” is a lesson that so many of us could stand to take. You will live on infinitely! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, the countless unknown and unsung jobs no one ever knew about, and all the ways your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve finally made it to The Moon once and for all and that one day I’ll get to sit and chat with you about all the things I would have loved to have been able to chat with you about over a cup of tea on The Brighter Side Of Grey.
A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …
Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.
It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be “alone but not lonely” here in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.
Damn, I’m such a bitch!
Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!
Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.
Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!
Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:
I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Let this be a reminder to let yourself feel all the cuts, bruises, and jagged edges from being “broken”. LET THEM BE A GIFT! More so than that, don’t let anyone, including yourself, make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or feel bad because someone may be feeling worse!
“Trauma comparing” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what, people? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only assumptive, but one of the cruelest self-tortures of all. It belittles and invalidates you by saying “YOU” are not worthy of compassion!
How many times have you heard words like these, or worse yet, said them to yourself:
Others have it much worse than you.
Haven’t you heard what‘s happening in the world? Maybe you should change your perspective?
Just look at all the things you have – some people have much less.
Just be glad you’re okay – it could have been much worse.
Why do you feel so sorry for yourself – there are children starving in Africa.
Stop being so negative!
… and last but not least, maybe you, too, have heard THIS one before, which is one of my own dear mother’s favorite lines of all:
You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have … beautiful children … a beautiful husband … a beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU are just so beautiful! Why don’t you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start focusing on all that you DO have? God will punish you for not being grateful!
Not only did a lifetime of being chastised about my feelings or pain because “others had it worse than me” NOT take away my pain and suffering, it only perpetuated my inability speak up about my traumas to not just my own mother, but anyone at all, for fear that I’d be judged, guilted, shamed, labeled as UNGRATEFUL, or worse yet, “punished by God”.
“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us,” said Bradshaw. “There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational.”Toxic shame is different to guilt. Guilt is when someone thinks: “I’ve done something shameful.” Toxic shame is when someone thinks: “I am shameful.” It is why some people might look to be successful to everyone… but they will never feel good about themselves. They will frequently develop mental health problems. Bradshaw’s major point was that virtually all mental illness is due to toxic shame.
The bottom line is this: Believing that someone else’s trauma is somehow bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both you and that person, because while you are wondering how they survived their trauma, they might be wondering how you survived yours. It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that what you’ve gone through isn’t as bad as what someone else has can hinder you from seeking the external help and support you need, thus keeping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive.
Look, have there not been many people who were bitten tiny spiders and died? Likewise, have there not been many people who were bitten by 15 foot sharks and died? Yes! Yes, there have! Guess what, though? THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING DEAD! Comparing the size of the metaphorical bite someone has suffered with someone else’s is disrespectful, belittling, invalidating, and emotionally emasculating. We ALL suffer trauma in one way or the other throughout the course of our lifetimes, albeit some more than others. The end result, however, is always the same … PAIN, SUFFERING, and sometimes even DEATH! We ALL deserve to be supported, if not at minimum, ACKNOWLEDGED in our trauma recovery. It’s NOT a competition, so, STOP comparing bite marks, and STOP allowing others to compare them for you! Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to heal your wounds, but don’t wallow in them for too long.
How long is too long? We all move about our cabins differently, because our realities are based upon our unique points of view, life experiences, core values instilled from childhood, and how we may be feeling at any given time. Everyone feels things differently! Nevertheless, the more someone tries convince themselves that it’s not okay to complain because “others have it worse”, the more all those feelings are going to weigh them down and eventually break their back.
But know this …
Once you’re done grieving the death of who you were before your trauma happened, you have to let it go. You’re allowed to move on, overcome, thrive, and rise above! Believe me when I say that all that pain inside your mind is ready to be set free – not stored, ignored, weighing you down, and breaking you.
I saw a quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:
Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.
No. Truer. TRUTH!
One day you’ll awaken to find yourself in front of a mirror with a Light pouring through all those cracks and shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my truest wish that you’ll fall to your knees and thank GOD for ever having been broken in the first place (no matter how much or how little)!
“Chin Up! Knuckles Out!”, friends! I may not personally know you, but you’re my people! Honestly? It’s only the “broken people” who I truly understand. Together, our shards are manifesting the most magnificent mosaic of all!
What if?
What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared, and confused, and those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Not only do I speak to you from a place of “broken”, but from a place of truly loved. I happen to know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks of my soul with the divinely punctuated Light that’s inside me every day. These days, when I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it to ME!
BROKEN
Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real? Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes, I know. Yes, I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}
The Shawshank Redemption was Zack’s favorite movie of all times. To him, it screamed “hope” in every circumstance, and despite the obviously tragic ending, trust me when I tell you that he tried not to literally lose his mind and fall apart the way he did. Ironically, we watched it together for probably the twentieth time the weekend before he died and he cried the whole way through it. Looking back, I know in my heart that as he was watching it for the very last time he knew he wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer and all that all the “hope” he tried so hard to find in doing so was fast coming to a screeching halt. We’d talked incessantly about what he was feeling in his heart and mind, and towards the end he just kept saying it felt like he was trapped inside a prison. Five nights later, he was gone.
In here is where it makes the most sense … you need it so you don’t forget … that there are places in the world that aren’t made out of stone … that there’s something inside that they can’t get to … they can’t touch … it’s yours … hope.
Having done a little investigating, I was able to speak with one of the first responders at the scene the morning of August 23rd, who was kind enough to answer some of questions I needed answers to. He said that when they found him, the car was still running and the opera music playing inside was so loud they could hear it through the windows. I just know that what he was listening to at the end was his favorite musical masterpiece of all, Mozart’s “The Marriage Of Figaro”, which was in his favorite scene in the movie:
Here’s the thing …
There are so many questions I’ll never have answers to, and even more things I’ll never understand. Only God and Zack know what was going through his mind while he was alone in that car those last dark hours, minutes, and seconds. Even if it’s true that I will see him again in another place and time, and even if I do get to meet God one day, there is still no assurance that ponderings such as these will be part of the conversations to be had, much less will I even know that I pondered them at all. In “the opera scene”, Red said …
I have no idea to this day what those two Italian ladies were singing about. Truth is, I don’t want to know. I like to think they were singing about something so beautiful it can’t be expressed in words, and makes your heart ache because of it.
Likewise, I have no idea what Zack was really thinking about or “listening to” in the very last seconds of his life, but I’d like to think …
He was thinking about something so beautiful it just couldn’t be expressed in words, despite how his heart was aching, and it was the Light at the end of the very dark tunnel that had been his life on Earth that WAS the last bit of “hope” he was clinging to.
So, Cat, how’d that whole “family dinner” project turn out?
SUCCESS!
This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape, and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.
To anyone reading this who’s at odds with one of “your people” or even yourself, it’snever too late to start again! Indeed, it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.
You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for any of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you that forgiveness is EVERYTHING! Besides, as I’ve said before and will now say again, it’s not time that heals our wounds, its what we do with that time that heals our wounds. Learning how to forgive not just ourselves, but others as well for the crime of being human, is not only the most healing medicine of all, but also one of the purest forms of self-love and care.
Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well and spend those seconds wisely so that if you must leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES“!
Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …
You,
Are,
AMAZING!
“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!
And remember …
It’s okay to scream out loud that you’re way too good for assholes and their bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you, too, are a badass, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. Don’t let anyone lower you to their “surface level”. If they can’t or won’t rise to you, leave them at the bottom.
Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do, and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!
… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.
I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? THEN I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and wrote “Desperado“. THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton an actual ton of bricks:
What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really happening on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that indeed, it is true, that “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the onlybig picture we were evermeant to understand.
… and, with that, I am STILL the luckiest Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, STILL God’s favorite daughter, and STILL blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your not so hidden “hidden messages” are coming through louder and clearer with every step I’m allowed to take.
… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away for a “King Williamson style” staycay that once contained the $15 gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds!
Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasureyet again, making beauty from random things and extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!
My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist, she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as known, and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.
She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacyburning up through all of our ashes to their own phoenix way of life.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or read this Diary. I know that I’m a little too much of everything at times and that my open, raw, transparent, and a little too unfiltered vulnerability isn’t for the faint of heart. There’s an ass for every seat, so, if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good.
This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a long time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “it’s all about forgiveness” stance, yet, not forgiving the HURT people who have hurt ME. This morning, I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is chance that he will neither read my words or accept them. But, I’ve said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.
Ironically, the first time I ever heard this beautiful song was way back in 1996 while I was volunteering with a local prison ministry, Reaching America’s Youth, trying desperately to reach the incarcerated youth of Texas with a message of faith, hope, grace, salvation, and FREEDOM. Truth being told, while it was, indeed, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, it was, too, one of the most helpless feeling experiences of my life. But you see, little did I really understand back then, just because a human being is “physically” free to roam about this world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re TRULY “free”. I, myself, have been incarcerated by prison bars of my own making for far too many years to count. Tonight? I broke through yet another one of those bars, if not one of the most important.
Dad, if you ever see this …
I LOVE YOU and I’M SORRY!
FREE
The Sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}
I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“.
I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.
Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him understand how things in this family work so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.
That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough, and he can’t keep up with all your “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!
I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing leftof this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP!Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.
For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.
Thirty-three years ago, I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities, we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win, lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”
So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, then surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.
Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!
The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over!
DESPERADO
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won’t snow, and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the nighttime from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late. {The Eagles}
On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out”. It was as if Zack were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.
Today I celebrate!
TODAY I’M THANKFUL!
Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years of life, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song, and I fully intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my absurd and beautiful life.
Since COVID crashed our concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter Zack wrote before he left. She knows this song exists but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it live on stage. That will be the night I finally let her read the words he wrote to her “in case he was gone tomorrow”. PLEASE listen to this song, my friends. It may just change the trajectory of your own legacy and how you look at “grey” forever.
Some say forgiveness is for alone, and I agree, with the exception of this one little caveat as far as the full extent of grace I’m capable of extending to the TRULY evil “Devil’s Own” that walk among us. Yes, I have forgiven my husband’s “mother“, and his “brothers and sisters“, and even that pit viper who in her 100% stable, not mentally ill mind, set out to decimate not only my life, but my children’s.
I made the mistake of sharing some things I’d been through with her, including my battle with mental illness. Trust me when I say she knew exactly what she was doing and why her threats would work. In PURE EVIL style, she used my once paralyzing fear of what people would think of me as the power in her “I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU’RE NUTS” game of chicken.
Lol! Can you even imagine the extra special kind of “human” woman it would take to not only weaponize someone’s mental health against them, but worse yet, use the power of her pussy to encourage a father to weaponize his own daughter against her mother? You see, at that point Zack and I were barely on our feet and foolishly believed that with my extensive mental health history and lack of resources to fight back, if they did take me to court, not only would we definitely be “bled dry” (as my ex used to say), but we’d risk losing Gia as well.
If only I’d known then what I know now. After everything was said and done, a court battle probably would have turned out in our favor. Was I a perfect mom? NOPE! Did I battle mental illness? YUP! Was I the “danger to society and children” she literally called all the other moms to tell them? NOPE! Meanwhile, it takes a SPECIAL kind of evil to just wake up one day and say, “Let me destroy her for sport because she gave me all her cards and I can!”
Perhaps the worst part of what she did was how she even managed to turn Gia’s father against her amid one of her darkest storms. She had him convinced that Gia wasn’t really being bullied, shunned and ostracized at school, but that she, too, was just making things up as she went along. As a result, her dad believed that she, “like me”, was a lying, manipulating, story-teller who was jealous of his new girlfriend and her daughter. He refused to protect her. He refused to believe her. He refused to validate the sobering truths of what was happening to her at that school, which to this day is a deep source of trauma to her. She has forgiven her dad for the many ways he chose to stand in the corner of “Scamgela” and her daughter instead of hers, but trust me, she has never forgotten. Nor will she!
This is what PURE EVIL looks like:
It depends on where you are in your journey, whether or not you’ve fortified your mental wealth, and to whom you’re disclosing your illness. After my clinical diagnoses and still in the early stage of my process, I made the grave mistake of sharing it with my ex’s girlfriend. Not only was she a nursing student at the time, but she claimed to have had a background in clinical psychology, as well, so, I really thought I could trust her. “First do no harm”, right, Nurse Angela! Right? Well, just as sure as you’ve heard it said that “the devil will often appear disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted or needed”, she befriended me from out of the blue at a time when I was both mentally and physically down and in need of a friend. On the surface, she was kind and thoughtful, quickly availed herself to my process, and was eager to lend an ear and “support”. What I didn’t realize, however, is that what she was REALLY doing was collecting information to use against me at a later time, which, in fact, SHE DID!
Quite early in their relationship (which, for the record, I set up), things began spiraling between her and my ex. My kids couldn’t stand her (and STILL can’t to this day), as it was beginning to appear that there were ulterior motives behind her intentions. Within two weeks of dating, she all but moved her things into their home, and her vapid “indiscretions” within earshot of my son and his girlfriend (who were living at my ex’s at the time) didn’t help her case at all. Lol! “That” was five years ago, but her “loudly moaning and screaming” as they would say, and the headboard banging against the wall are STILL fodder at many of our family dinners. Long, sordid, and disgusting story short: Once things stopped going the way she’d hoped, she used the weaknesses and vulnerabilities I’d shared with her to bludgeon me. She began threatening to tell everyone at our very small private school about my “institutionalized nervous breakdown”, and that I was a “Girl Interrupted borderline”. She’d convinced herself that I was the one responsible for turning my kids against her, as well as many of the moms at our school, and assured me in no uncertain terms that “if I didn’t stop causing her problems”, SHE WAS GONNA TELL! She’d even threatened to contact the Texas Real Estate Commission and my brokerage and attempt to have my real estate license stripped from me.
Fast forward to that day on the school playground where a group of fourth grade girls (who this hooker’s daughter incited to shun and socially ostracize my daughter) surrounded my already fragile baby girl in a circle and asked her: “Is it true that your mom is a sociopath, was in a mental hospital, and dangerous to be around?” Yes, this is a verifiable reality! That pretty little pit viper and PIG had, indeed, called all the moms and spilled my beans. For the record, that day on the playground was the catalyst for my daughter’s suicidality, which in an extreme turn was one of the lynch pins in my husband’s ACTUAL suicide.
So, with that, I say to you this: Be careful who you share your illness with unless and until you are prepared for the potential backlash. Find a support system you can “trust with your life”! YOU NEED TO HAVE “SAFE PEOPLE” YOU CAN LEAN ON! You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make your mental health recovery journey alone, but remember that there ARE people out there who prey on other people’s weaknesses in order to make themselves “God”. I call them “the Devil’s Own”!
Thank you all for listening, and for the record: “Hi everyone! It’s me, The REAL Cat Williamson! Yes, I am a recovering Borderline! Yes, I’ve had a nervous breakdown! No, I’m not ashamed of it! Yes, I’m a BADASS! Nope, I don’t care “who knows”! It took me a very long time, a lot of hard work, and a handful of unconditionally loving “safe people” for me to get here. I will pray for any of YOU who are still searching for the other side of your storm.
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
{MATTHEW 6:14}
There will be times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self and of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
{TIMOTHY 3:1-5}
I really can forgive anyone for just about anything, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case-by-case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed “thing” altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.
{THE REAL CAT WILLIAMSON 3:9:21}
PURE EVIL
Wipe that smile off your face you immaculate disgrace, ’cause Heaven knows a prayer won’t save you now. You wear the halo of a saint to hide the venom of a snake, built your kingdom on a lie, so watch it all come crashing down! Now! You prophet of hate. You profit from faith. Truth-less, two-faced, two bit fuckin’ hypocrite, how does it feel? How does it feel? The day has come to pay for what you’ve done. Sinner revealed. Tell me how does it feel? So pure within your soul. Pure evil if your blackened heart believes in the righteous words you speak. You know Heaven will send hell for you and bring you to your knees … pray as your throne burns slowly. Now how does it feel? {Like A Storm}
A friend of mine posted something on his social media recently that really hit me hard:
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you, perhaps by choice. From the parent didn’t intend to abandon you but was never home because they were working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy, but never offered a safe haven to honor your heart. From friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you, “We’re in this together” or “I got you”, then, they ended up leaving you behind to pick up all the pieces when shit got real … leaving you to handle not just your part, but sometimes their part, too, in the messes that were made in your life. From all of those lies and betrayals along the way, you learned that you just really couldn’t trust people – OR – that you COULD trust people, but only up to that point when “being there for you” was convenient or not such a hassle for them.
Let me tell you why this post REALLY upset me …
“The fortress” that is being spoken of in this post? He was my husband!He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming today, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have sometimes had to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their children right in front of my eyes!
Yes, I’m a queen. Yes, I’m healed, risen, and SOARING after a lifetime of hiding behind the fortress walls that I built for myself. Yes, I’m thankful for every thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to ascend from had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize or receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance, and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me had I not had to live behind my own walls.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE!
You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I really rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “WHEN they drop the ball … because they WILL drop the ball EVENTUALLY!” – OR – “When they SLAM the ball back in my face because they just got fucking SICK of helping me carry it around!”
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
You may even have been unintentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of the hurt ancestors who came before you, and you don’t even know it. As we all know, many toxic family traits are general in nature.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK!
So, you don’t trust ANYONE, right? And you don’t trust YOURSELF either? ESPECIALLY, you don’t trust yourself to choose people correctly? To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow! But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem that this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective wall. Impenetrable! Nothing gets in … no one gets hurt …BUT NO LOVE GETS IN, EITHER! Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or for those who believe that a battle is coming.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE!
But, the good news is that ACKNOWLEDGED trauma can be HEALED trauma! So, with that, to all you selfish, toxic, ABUSIVE “parents” running around out there:
WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
For Christ’s actual sake, get your kids out of toxic environments you have them in. Protect them! Cherish them! Validate them! Hear them! Consider your children FIRST in every single decision you make! Worse yet, stop letting the people who have hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! IT’S GROSS! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after the ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate the cycle of “victimized brokenness” that you will then gift to your innocently jaded children. I mean, c’mon now, “mom or dad” … do you really want to be one of those parents whose children only ever come to visit you when they absolutely HAVE to because although they do still actually love you, they have to make the decision to love you from a distance because they have to protect themselves from YOU?
In the meantime, I’ll just keep praying that someday I don’t get that call that a child I once knew and loved swallowed a bullet because their miserable excuses for “parents” couldn’t get their shit together, or “deserved the life that they deserved”, and now I have to show up to that child’s funeral because they just couldn’t deal anymore. But mostly, I’ll be praying that someday, somehow, any child or adult who lives behind the walls of their own fortress will one day be able to stand in front of a mirror and say:
I AM WORTHY of having support!
I AM WORTHY of having true partnership!
I AM WORTHY of love!
I AM WORTHY of having my heart held!
I AM WORTHY to be adored!
I AM WORTHY to be cherished!
I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise!
Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.
But then? THIS year …
As par for the course, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to “do my thing” with them every year. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened:
Hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.
Oh, good! There’s seventeen, right?
Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?
Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.
My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet anotherhidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.
Indeed, it’s true … a tortilla really DID make me cry today, but Batman TOTALLY saved the day! Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican abuela turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Someday, if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …
You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”
I’ve long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM.
Lastly, and on a side note, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it is my truest prayer that everyone reading this either has already or will someday soon attract a “Naked Partner” who speaks the love language of your heart so that you don’t have to spend what is often an entirely fruitless lifetime trying to interpret, decode, translate, and explain the language of your soul.
… because he’ll know how to read the most encryption within my heart before we ever speak a word. The the only thing that can survive fire is fire, just as the only one who belongs with a queen is a king … but DAMN, he’ll be one lucky man! Trust me when I tell you, I really am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. That’s what he’ll have to be, too.
SOUL SEARCHER
I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}
The Diary Of My Perfection 