Valentine’s Day 2022.

My third without him.

Yet, despite the sobering reality that his physical being is no longer “here”, I have never felt closer to every infinite piece of who and what he was and all that he left behind. My God, I couldn’t even make myself cry today if I wanted to, because the unbelievable truth is that I have never felt more loved and connected to every single part of not just him, but this Universe, as well:

All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was EVERYTHING to me. Even as I write this, I’m smiling yet again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth

{“The Tragic Truth Revisited“}

Sometimes I worry that some of you may think that my relationship with Death makes me seem pessimistic, morbid, or macabre. Nothing could be further from the truth. I love my life … the good, the bad, and the ugly, and I find it an honor to have been created to exist here. To me, not only is Death a release from the pain and heartache that often accompanies human existence and survival, it is, indeed, “nothing at all“. Although I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish that Zack’s physical body was still here with me, his essence, soul, and spirit are literally everywhere around me:

He’s out there. I hear him calling from behind the star fields. I feel him radiating energy like eternal northern lights. I see him watching over me across the sky. Overcoming, projected on my eyes eternally. I find him in the night. Far from the Sun where no one knows. He’s watching from his telescope as he travels the distance in my eyes … Interstellar … light years from me. Like a Supernova … we’ll fuse when we collide … awaking in The Light of all the stars aligned.

{“Telescope” … by Starset}

With that, let me say this to any of my loved ones who are now or ever will read this:

When that day comes that I’ve crossed to the brighter side of all this grey, rest assured knowing that I will be that zephyr blowing gently over your shoulder, just as Zack is now the ever-present breeze I feel blowing over mine. Don’t get me wrong … I’m not “planning” on going anywhere, ’cause umm, there’s still so much left for me to do here with all these little pebbles in my hand.

Nevertheless, always remember that my last singular blip on this life’s radar will never truly be my last, as I, too, will travel the distance like a Supernova until we fuse when we collide again. You see, love really is the one thing that transcends time and space. I know this with every shred of my being.

Though I can’t still see Him, I can feel not only his love, but the unyielding love and presence of the Supernova of all Supernovas … the one Who is always watching over me across the sky through the greatest telescope of all!

Dear Cat:

You, my dear, are an actual frigging idiot of magnanimous proportion sometimes, but guess what? I kinda love ya anyway, ’cause the very patient man who bought you that garage door in the first place who was probably laughing his ass off when you pulled yet another “Catherine” was right when he said:

Catherine, it’s fine. It’s just a garage door. It’s just a car. It’ll be fine. It’ll get fixed!

Nothing could be further from the truth!

Garage doors, dents in cars, and most of human goof ups and accidents can be fixed, and you of all people know too well that the damage that comes from some of the words that come out of peoples’ mouths in anger isn’t always so easily patched up.

DO YOU REMEMBER …

… that night in the very beginning of “The Frog & The Butterfly” story when you texted him this song because you wanted desperately to know that no matter how long or how far you kept falling along with way, he’d still be there to pick you up and dust you off, and that if you got too tired to make it, he’d be your breath so you could walk? You were so scared you’d never EVER get put back together, but alas, you were, and now here you are, painted much better off as the true QUEEN he always intended for you to see when you stood in front of the mirror.

That’s the magic of unconditional love and yet another bright side in all this grey. You, my dear, were blessed to have met a human being that chose NOT to beat you up for being a living, breathing, chaos bus sometimes, so never forget to remember that when other people are driving around in chaos busses of their own! But Jean-Claude Van DAMNIT woman – LEARN HOW TO DRIVE!

~ Love, ME!

BENT

If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk. If I need some other love, give me more than I can stand. And when my smile gets old and faded, wait around I’ll smile again. Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just hold me and then, just hold me again. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. You’re breaking me in and this is how we will end – with you and me bent. If I couldn’t sleep, could you sleep? Could you paint me better off? Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need a lot. I started out clean, but I’m jaded. Just phoning it in. Just breaking the skin. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Yah, you’re breaking me in, and this is how we will end – with you and me bent. Start bending me. It’s never enough. I feel all your pieces. Start bending me. Keep bending me until I’m completely broken in. Shouldn’t be so complicated. Just touch me and then just touch me again. Can you help me? I’m bent. I’m so scared that I’ll never get put back together. Yah, you’re breaking me in and this is how we will end – with you and me landing without understanding. Can I go there again? Can you help me? I’m bent.

{Matchbox Twenty}

Just over two and a half years ago tonight, we had just returned home and were all winding down from the “Supernatural” experience of a lifetime that Zack had gifted Gia. Little did we know that exactly two months later he’d be leaving us behind and turning our world completely upside down in the most egregious way possible after a nightmare battle with one of the most complicated cocktails of mental illness one could imagine.

What most people don’t know is that the demons that devoured his soul almost took my daughter, too, and be it not for these three literal angels on Earth, I might not have her here anymore.

We were so beyond blessed to be able to return to the “Supernatural of it all” once again over the weekend, courtesy of Gia’s dad, only this time it was even more supernatural!

Much like Gia, there are countless numbers of often “wayward” sons and daughters in this world who are hanging on every single word these literal stars in their sky speak. These boys are creating a faction of warriors who are hell bent on following their lead in all the best directions. Jared, Jensen, and Misha, or “J2M” as we say in the family biz, are using the platform their worldwide mega stardom has propelled them from to leave this place much better than they found it by “hunting mental illness”, bringing awareness to that NOT so popular monster, and making damn good and sure that the young and impressionable ears that are listening to them know they are never alone in the midst of the darkness.

“ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING!”

The three most powerful words of both our lives, because she did … and she will … ALWAYS KEEP FIGHTING (just like me, her “Wonder Woman” momma)! Still, how can I ever repay these stellar men for the countless things they’ve done, the powerful messages they’ve shared, and the courageous walks they’ve walked and talked in their collective fight against depression, mental illness, and suicide awareness? How about just thank you, “J2M”, because even with all the endless words I often have, THANK YOU is all I’ve got right now. Indeed, this world is a MUCH better place with her in it, so we’ll just keep on carrying on like the phoenix queens we both truly are.

TIME OF MY LIFE

I’ve been waiting for my dreams to turn into something I could believe in and looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon. I couldn’t see it until I let go, gave into love, and watched all the bitterness burn. Now I’m coming alive, body and soul, feelin’ my world start to turn. And I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time – this is the time of my life. The time of my life. Holding onto things that vanished into the air left me in pieces. But now I’m rising from the ashes, finding my wings, and all that I needed was there all along within my reach as close as the beat of my heart. So I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time – this is the time of my life. The time of my life.And I’m out on the edge of forever ready to run. I’m keeping my feet on the ground, my arms open wide, my face to the Sun. I’ll taste every moment and live it out loud. I know this is the time – this is the time to be more than a name or a face in the crowd. I know this is the time of my life! {David Cook}

I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind when I first heard this song back in 2008. I was only months away from a total nervous breakdown, living a life of farce, being hunted by a dragon, and literally begging God to just wave His magic wand:

God? I need to talk to You. Or rather, I have some questions, so please just be perfectly honest. You’re not done with me, are You? Is my bright destiny just up ahead? Is it happening even as I write this? The future’s gonna be good, right? Things are gonna start getting better? Those two babies you sent need their mom to be okay so that I can help them reach their own destinies, so can’t You just wave Your magic wand?

Do You ever hear me crying, and if so, does it even bother You? And what about that “Sea Of Forgetfulness”? The one where YOU forgive and WE forget then move on about our way. It’s just not working with all these ghosts inside my head. Can’t You just make them go away? That memory of me on the front bench of that old truck? The smell of the beer on his breath? Can’t You just erase it? Or how about that boy who hit the wall and cracked his skull open? I could definitely do without THAT one. And what about the day You dropped that tiny girl in the palm of my hands JUST so I could watch her suffocate? You know? That same tiny girl who TRIED to hold my hand, but couldn’t even grasp my finger. I’m NOT loving that. It’s not working for me at all! I get it, she’s gone. I was there, don’t You know? Help me understand why I had to give her back. It’s just not natural. That’s NOT how it’s supposed to go. MOMMIES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BURY THEIR BABIES! It’s enough. I’VE HAD ENOUGH! Please can You take this away?

Am I still Your daughter, or did You just forget me? Surely You remember how it felt to watch Your Son die? Well, I’m dying, too, and I’ve had ALL that I can handle. PLEASE won’t You help me? You’re God. You can fix anything! Are You mad at me? What did I do? Oh, wait, I think I know. Well, can’t You just forgive me for that now?

{“Away From The Son“}

“Time Of My Life” had a much different meaning to me way back then and hearing it only crushed my spirit. I’d been aching for my hopes and dreams to turn into something I could believe in and longing for a magic rainbow. No, God couldn’t just “zap” it all away, and no, time didn’t heal my wounds. It’s what I’ve done with all the time that I’ve been blessed enough to be alive that worked the “magic”. If only I’d known that a song that once made me cry was actually foreshadowing all the bittersweet but beautiful times of my life that were then and still are yet to come, perhaps I wouldn’t have spent so many tears and hopeless prayers just waiting for “time” to mend my broken heart. You see, not only did He know things that I didn’t back then, but He also still knows things that I don’t about a future I no longer need to understand.

From the moment I was born, God has been preparing me to fly over the fires that were only ever meant to raise my wings and lead me back home to my soul. Time doesn’t even exist in the space where I dwell with Him … only unconditional love and the peaceful bliss that carries me through all the times of my life.

It’s been 6,567 days since the day she was born, and if God is the God I blindly believe He is, she’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey with Zack when it’s time for me to finally cross over. Today is her 18th birthday, and this is her birthday basket, because even though it really was one of the hardest days of my life, it’s a day that is truly worth celebrating. The once gaping wound her footprints left across my heart has healed and is PROOF that what I’ve done with my time is “the magic”. Believe it or not, Gina Marie is one of the best parts of my story and a precious reminder of all the extraordinary things I’ve gotten to hold on to that have vanished but not left me in pieces. When I take this basket to her grave later on, I’ll keep my face to the Sun, let the shadows fall behind me, and know her death was nothing at all.

So here’s a fun idea for all of you “social media trendy” wives out there …

How about instead of just, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun!” poking at what an epic disappointment your broke ass, one-abbed “frog” gone wrong” of a husband is, maybe you should just start posting pics of his umm, YOU KNOW, “little guy”, too?

EMASCULATION!

It’s what’s for breakfast, and lunch, and dinner, and it’s gross, aaand I’m certain that if a buncha “Tik-Tok” husbands out there doing the “for the sake of likes and clicks” dealio got together and started another VIRAL trend where they show the whole entire world, “Ha ha, hee hee, it’s all in good fun – but just look what a lazy, smelly, PIG the sweet little princess I thought I was marrying turned out to be!”, there’d be some damn “Tik-Tok” hate crimes and murders.

Umm, so here’s another “dealio” – I hate to tell ya, but behind every “joke” there IS a bit of truth. I know it. You know it. THE ENTIRE FUCKIN’ WORLD KNOWS IT! The new friend and social media influencer I’m now following, Man Elik, smashed this nail right on the head. Women, we do SUCK as much as men, and yes, we CAN be as toxic in more than a million different ways. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

Anything MEN can fuck up, we can fuck up BETTER!

{Mama’s Boys}

Sorry, NOT sorry, but ours are the arms that were meant to embrace the world, up to and even more so including the men that BUILD IT for us. Sorry, NOT sorry once again. Lemme ask you this: So, when’s the last time you drove by a construction site, road crew, or farm that was chock full of women? Nope! I’m not even sitting here trying to say that never in the history of the world has there been a construction site, road crew, or FARM without a “Rosie The Riveter” blood, sweat and tears WOMAN working on it. But don’t be foolish, ladies, we COULD NOT live without them, that’s the Jean Claude Van DAMN fucking hard truth, and NOPE, we are NOT “their equals”. Sorry ’boutcha!

Let’s all just “normalize” emasculation!

Yah! That’ll be fun! By the way, in case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’M AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY ABUSER! I don’t think ANYONE – man OR woman – should be throwing their one-abbed spouses under the marriage joke bus. But hey, what do I know, right? My GOSH, people, it’s hard enough for anyone out there to fight the good and valiant fight when the world at large just wants to rip the people livin’ in it apart. C’mon ladies, indeed it is true that if you don’t “crown” him, pick him up and value him, who else in this jacked up world will? PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Marriage is hard. Being a HUMAN is hard.

Ha ha! Hee hee! My husband is one FAT fuck of a disappointing failure! Oh, but no! I’m just kidding! I’m only doing this for LIKES and CLICKS, so, it’s okay to bitch slap him just for fun!

Umm? GROSS!

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT, and I’m only ever here to keep it REAL. Some things are funny. Some things are not. Love me or hate me and call me the party poopin’ FUN POLICE, but SOME things just ain’t right! Publicly shaming and disrespecting your FAT and BROKE spouse is one of them!

Are you FUCKING kidding me?

I mean, seriously? What the Jean-Claude Van DAMN actual FUCK? Whereas I would say that my mouth just hit the FLOORA, rather I shall say my mouth just hit the QUORA!

NOTHING defines a “bad kid“, except, that is, for the TOXIC ADULTS who refer to any kid as “BAD”! So, let’s have a looksie at the vast and powerful differences between two seemingly simple words that are all too often are simply tossed into the dirt like so many poisonous seeds with absolutely no caution to the wind whatsoever …

“BAD” v. “GOOD”

DIDJA GET THAT, PEOPLE? If not, just go back and read the definition of “BAD” over and over and OVER until you’ve hammered it into your skull!

When a parent, caretaker, or any adult refers to a child as “bad”, they are, by definition, saying that child is of poor quality, a low standard, or otherwise inferior, second-rate, unpleasant, disagreeable, and UNWELCOME! Generally speaking, when someone hears that something is “BAD”, it’s almost always a negative connotation, except, of course, when something is “bad to the bone” or cool!

Oh, don’t get me wrong; children can be difficult. THIS I KNOW TOO WELL! Lol. Unless you really know me or had the privilege of knowing me as a child, what you don’t know is that I was told incessantly that I was, indeed, DIFFICULT! But, umm, have ya met any “adults” since you’ve been one? The last time I checked, human beings in general can be “difficult”! Are there “bad behaviors” and “bad choices”? Umm, YAH! You know, kinda like the bad behavior of the sixteen and counting dumb as ass ASSES who went to great lengths trying to quantify “what defines a BAD kid” in answer to that Godforsaken question!

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORDS!

Oh, and don’t think for one second that just because you don’t refer to your child as “BAD” either directly to them or within their earshot that they don’t know exactly what think about them. Not only do some actions speak much, much louder than words, kids aren’t as oblivious as you think they are, and they’re usually always listening!

Look, I’m certainly no doctor, but I am an adult survivor of one of the most challenging mental illnesses in “the book” (Lol, yes, there is “a book“). As such, I have spent more than my fair share of “time in the chair” with doctors and mental health professionals trying to reconnect the broken transmitters in my formerly jacked up fucking psyche. More so than that, during my various periods of hospitalization and group therapy settings, I have personally known an entire army of equally dismantled adults whose “insanities” almost always rooted back to the toxic words and labels bestowed to them by the “adults” in their childhood lives. My point being that I know all too painfully well what a heaping pile of BULLSHIT these words are:

Umm, yes,

YES THEY CAN!

Not only can words most definitely hurt you, they can also unwire the original hardwiring you came packaged with the day you were born. Unless there are specific genetic or chromosomal issues that were somehow developed in utero, babies aren’t “born” with broken minds. IT’S THE WORLD THAT FUCKING BREAKS THEM, and nine times out of ten, that destruction originates with the adults in their early lives and their abysmally negative WORDS! Just as positive words can elevate a child’s cognitive development and brain function, negative words can destroy and misdirect healthy cognitive development and brain function! So, with that, unless you are evil (and YES there are purely EVIL “parent things” out there), YOU CAN DO BETTER!

BAD SEED

I didn’t give up the fight – I gave up on what’s right – everything I should’ve believed. I don’t care about the warnings, just who I’ve become. You swore that I wouldn’t succeed. I know that you’re wrong! Insanity embraces me – it’s what I chose and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I won’t deny, deny, the Sun never shines. It always rains on me. I can’t deny, deny, that I’ve never tried. No honor amongst us thieves. Inside, inside – I try to survive, strangled by the waste. You can’t deny, deny, that I never tried. It’s always been on me. I’m just a bad seed. I’m just a bad seed. I’M JUST A BAD SEED! I gave up on the Light – I gave into the night – I never knew how much I could bleed. When it’s all said and done, I still stuck to my guns, I always knew what I couldn’t take. Even if I’m wrong – HONESTY IS EVERYTHING – it’s what I know and it’s what I believe. I still stand here strong! I’M JUST A BAD SEED! {Five Finger Death Punch}

Although I’ve had the awful displeasure of watching a handful of the human souls I’ve been the most connected dying right before my eyes, not the least of which was my daughter, perhaps the saddest and most painful moment of my life was the day my two surviving children had to watch their own mother having an actual nervous breakdown and being hauled off to a psych ward over a thousand miles from home:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

{“Speaking Of Faith And Crowns“}

Even now, as resilient as I’ve truly become, when I flash back to “the day on the driveway” and remember everything they had to see, it breaks my heart all over again knowing how their hearts got broken going through that kind of trauma. No child should ever have to witness such a thing!

That being said, and regardless of how horrifying so many of the moments in all our lives have been, I wouldn’t change a single step of this dance we’ve been sashaying through. Through it all, I can only hope that they’ll have learned that the pain has been a gift, death is nothing at all, and that win, lose, or draw, they’re gonna be okay because they had ME for a mother! I’m an epic masterpiece of magnanimous proportion, and after I’ve made it to The Brighter Side Of Grey, both they and their kids are gonna look back at this painting I’ve been faithfully working on and say,

DAMN! She was OUR mom! She was nothing short of magic, because despite her many circumstances, she rose up like a phoenix to spread her light, love, truths, and the warmth from the fire in in her soul.

Then, I’ll be that soft breeze that brushes their cheeks and whispers hope into their ears, and every ray of light that sparkles in their eyes as they bask in the legacy I’m working on. I’ll be their Crazy Grandma Cat whose higher purpose was to change everything for our tree. Oh, don’t you worry folks. Despite the seemingly macabre tone of this entry, I’m not planning to go anywhere soon. Although it is true that I’m fully prepared for what I know is coming next, I’m in love with my existence in this space and still have much to do. I’m just thinking out loud right now, because this song I’ve loved since I was not quite 30 years old found it’s way to the cue on my stereo this morning. Back then, it was just a song to me with a vibrant mood, and never in a million years would I have thought that I’d be the ray of light in those words. Well, here I am lighting it all up from my very own little piece of Heaven from here until eternity. I am SUCH a lucky woman and I cannot say it enough. I am power, grace, and a divinely appointed apostrophe punctuating peoples’ lives with my glow. I will never be ashamed of all the pain that I have carried – it’s what forged me into the steel fortress that I am.

RAY OF LIGHT

Zephyr in the sky at night – I wonder – do my tears of mourning sink beneath the Sun? She’s got herself a universe gone quickly. For the call of thunder threatens everyone. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Faster than the speed of light – she’s flying – trying to remember where it all began. She’s got herself a little piece of Heaven, waiting for the time when Earth shall be as one. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. And I feel like I just got home. And I feel. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light. Quicker than a ray of light – then gone – for Someone else will be there. {Madonna}

Most everyone has probably already heard that age old Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you”, but lemme ask you this: Have you heard the other Golden Rule … “Circa 2021” by The REAL Cat Williamson …

Perhaps you’ve heard it said before that, “we train others how to treat us“? NOTHING could be further from the truth! We learn how to treat ourselves based solely upon the treatment we choose to accept from others. So, with that, what’s even more important than “training others how to treat us” is “training OURSELVES how to treat us”!

The way we treat and even speak to and ABOUT ourselves sets the gold standard for the treatment, behaviors, and “speak” we receive from others. If we allow OURSELVES to speak to OURSELVES like SHIT, why would anyone else think it’s NOT okay to speak to us like SHIT? All that being said, the ONLY way to change the inner voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to “you”. Nothing good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves like poorly … NOT EVEN JOKINGLY! Don’t get me wrong, being honest about and owning your less than optimal attributes is one thing, but self-deprecation is another. As far as I’m concerned, it’s nothing short of psychological abuse of OURSELVES!

DON’T GO THERE!

The only way to change the voice inside your head is to change the language in which you speak to it. NOTHING good EVER comes from a person who talks to and treats themselves poorly. Unless you’re one of the truly rare and fortunate people who somehow managed to escape childhood in one piece, the chances are high that there’s a younger version of you living just beneath the scars you wear as an adult who NEEDS to hear all the things they never heard when they were a kid … SO SAY THEM! Say them kindly. Say them sweetly. Say them gracefully, gently, and FORGIVINGLY! Perhaps the best part of adhering to this “other” Golden Rule is that once you and that powerful inner voice of yours became as tight and thick as thieves, you’ll be much better able to hear what it’s trying to tell you. Learning to trust the advice from your instinctual wisdom and intuition is imperative to your mental wealth and survival.

AND REMEMBER …

Nothing ’bout you is ordinary, so if your friends all say you’re goin’ crazy, don’t listen to a word that they say! Let the voices in your head be legendary, and don’t ever tell ’em where the bodies are buried. It’ll keep ’em coming back every day!

{“Real Cat” Adaptation to “Attention Attention!” by Shinedown}

ATTENTION! ATTENTION!

Attention! Attention! Get down on the floor! Don’t reach for your pockets, don’t run for the door! Attention! Attention! It’s urgent, it’s real! The cameras are rolling, the envelopes sealed! Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? The stories I hear are the stories I tell – like jumping over buildings and sneaking outta hell! Intention! Retention! It’s all in your head! That greedy little mistress they tied in in your bed. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy. I don’t hear a word that they say. ‘Cause the voices in my head are legendary, but I’ll never tell ’em where the bodies are buried. Keeps them coming back every day! Oh no! Oh no! They’re just villains in my mind doin’ time. Oh no! Oh no! They’re just matches burning holes in my soul. Attention! Attention! ‘Cause this ain’t a stunt. The judges are racist. The juries corrupt. The shelves are all empty, but the seats are all filled. You’re a shiny new penny, I’m a hundred dollar bill. Attention! Attention! By the way did I mention? Nothing ’bout me is ordinary. My friends all say I’m going crazy … {Shinedown}

PROJECTION:

Loosely defined, is “a defensive mechanism by which we displace our feelings onto a person, animal, or object.” This is one of Sigmund Freud’s ‘lil nuggets, by the way, about how some people deal with their lack of self-esteem and feelings of insecurity and adequacy.

DEFLECTION:

Also loosely defined, is attempting to draw attention away from oneself and put that attention onto another person.

PERCEPTION:

Either “loosely” or not so “loosely defined” (depending on where you are in my “Peopling For Dummies 101” process) is our ability to hear, see, become aware of, and conceptualize things by using our senses.

What have any of you heard me say about what other people think of us? In case you’ve forgotten, let me remind you:

WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF US IS

NONE OF OUR BUSINESS!

At the end of the day, neither projection, deflection, or any clinical words, phrases, or diagnoses mean a hill of beans. PERCEPTION IS EVERYTHING, my friends, and aside from our faith, the only thing we really need to understand to navigate this “peopling” gig.

We are NOT what people think of us … we are what people think of THEMSELVES! So, try to remember that the next time you think about letting other peoples’ opinions control your life or define you. Someone else’s opinion of you is merely a reflection of their own personal experiences, beliefs, and realities, and sometimes a reflection of a war they’re battling within themselves. Only take what is useful and valuable from other peoples’ words, thoughts, and “opinions”. NOTHING MORE! NOTHING LESS! Only YOU know the size and shape of the shoes you’ve been walking in every single day since the minute you were born, and only YOU know how the comfort, fit, and style of those shoes have shaped YOU!

In being honest and taking this even further, for me, it’s only my self-reflection through God’s eyes that matters to me. But hey, you know what? My faith journey is my faith journey, and although I do so wish you ALL well on your own faith journeys, that’s a totally different Diary entry for another day. In the meantime, you just do whatever it takes to make friends with that person you see standing in the mirror, because like it or not, that beautiful creature looking back at you is your ride or die from this day ’til eternity! How YOU feel and what YOU think of YOU is EVERYTHING:

Now then, here’s yet another one of my tweaked-up renditions of one of my favorite songs. Listen to it as though you’re singing it to yourself, and let it wash right over you, lest you remember that although not a single one of them damn peoples’ nasty, misperceived opinions of you matters, YOUR SELF-REFLECTION DOES!

Are you looking for some validation like everyone else? Are you going through a transformation and losing yourself? Have you ever tried to make the pieces fit when you knew it wasn’t you? Are all the eyes looking in on you now making you unable to see?

Did you give off the wrong impression of somebody else? Have you made some bad decisions you’ll regret? Is that all you have left? Are you afraid of who you are? Can you be satisfied? If there’s a way to take it back, who will you find?

Who’s that stranger in the mirror looking back at you now? Are the illusions getting clearer? Are you lost and cannot be found? Do you even recognize your face, or are you just so out of place? Who have you become? Is there a stranger in the mirror? You’ve got to find a way out!

Stop running … running … RUNNING from you. You forgot who you once were. There’s a stranger in the mirror and you can’t be something you know that you’re not!

{“Real Cat” Adaptation to “Stranger In the Mirror” by Trapt}

My Dearest Butterfly:

Today is our anniversary, and I’m watching the wings cut through the clouds. Watching the raindrops blinking red and white. Thinking, “are you back on the ground there with a fire burning in your eyes?” I only halfway apologize. And I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand. You will understand. After a while you may forget, but just in case the memories cross your mind. You couldn’t know this when I left under the fire angry eyes. I never wanted to say goodbye. So I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that I couldn’t be around. There will be a day that you will understand. You will understand. Yeah, I’ll keep telling Him to pump the bass up. I’ll try to call home when everyone is wide awake. Wish I could switch the time zones – so we can pick the bass up. But you’re passed out by every time I am awake. Best things come to those who wait and it’s time to get pumped on any road you take. Don’t ever have a problem – make no mistake. I can’t wait to for you to come to where I had to go away.

My Dearest Frog:

I’m watching the wings cut through the clouds. Watching the raindrops blinking red and white. Thinking, “are you up there with a fire burning in your eyes?” I only halfway apologize. And I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. I want you to know that I already understand. I already understand. After a while I’ll WON’T forget, but just in case the memories cross my mind. You couldn’t know this when you left under the fire of everyone’s very angry eyes. I never wanted you to have to say goodbye. So I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. Sometimes things refuse to go the way we planned. Oh I’ll be sorry for now that you couldn’t be around. There will be a day that they will understand. They will understand. Yeah, keep telling Him to pump the bass up. We always try to reach you where you already are. Switch your time zones – so we can pick the bass up. I just passed out by the time you wake up. Best things come to those who wait, and I promise I’ll be pumped on any road I take. Don’t ever have a problem – make no mistake. I can’t wait to go to where you went away.

I want you to know that I really do promise to be everything I loved most about you, and all the very best things you brought out in me. In between our first hello and our last goodbye was so much love it was unfathomable. You were ours, and only ever ours – and we belonged to YOU! For those reasons, and too many more to count, you will remain the last reigning king of my heart even despite the sickened darkness your demons brought into our lives. I love you, Zachariah. Happy Anniversary.

A very wise man once said that yet another very wise man once said:

You know, I’ve been asked a couple times why I always write “power and grace” and “love and respect” … It takes two things to make it in this world: Power and grace. Being powerful enough to project and to be assertive and stand for what you stand for, but have it be graceful at the same time, and having gratitude for those that, you know, come in contact with you, and so on and so forth. Love and respect, he said, was the second half of that, because to have power, you have to show those two things ~ love and respect. To have grace, you have to own both of those things ~ love and respect.

(IvanFUCKING Moody)

I think I’ve always known that I’m the epitome of “Power & Grace“, it just took me a minute to figure it out. I’ve never been a fan of being defined by other peoples’ reflections, because God Himself knows that for far too long it was all the words, labels, and black and white boxes the people who never really knew me once tried to keep me confined in. Thankfully, however, now that I’ve grown into my own skin, I no longer give credence to anyone else’s reflection of me but mine. Yet, as I sit and ponder the magnitude of these two most powerful words, I fall back to these words from one of my favorite songs that I’ve now tweaked to apply and sing to myself the way I always do:

It was all those days my world’s gone wrong. I’ve screamed until my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turned to pain as I awoke to what remained and sifted through the ashes that were left. But buried deep beneath all my broken dreams, I had this hope that out of these ashes beauty would rise and I would dance among the ruins and I would know the joy had come.

I took another breath until now and let the tears come washing down, and when I couldn’t believe, He believed for me and had the signs of spring for me to watch and see! Then I heard it in the distance! It wasn’t too far away! It was the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast! I could almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new”, and then He made it all new and took my breath away with the power, grace, and beauty that He made of me from out of the ashes.

{“Beauty Will Rise” by Steven Curtis Chapman}

I am truly thankful to see myself through Ivan’s words, as he’s someone I’ve clearly grown to love and respect for reasons that most people wouldn’t understand. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … he really does “put the phoenix in phoenix“. I mean, the man literally rose from the dead! Like me, he’s been “woven in a black and white tapestry sewn with blood and tears”, and I will treasure both this book and his words forever.

As and aside, I am thoroughly enjoying the Dirty Poetry and have been through it cover to cover many times. Just as I’d suspected they’d be having listened to both the messages and his music and to his fans, his words are a rabbit hole of his beautifully twisted thoughts and dreams. To me, he’s a modern day Kafka, who up until now was the only writer with whom I could truly relate. I’m not gonna lie, I never really thought that anyone could out-Kafkaesque the “Die Verwandlung” that often creeps through my mind, but damn he’s gone and done it! There are so many pieces of not just me living inside the pages of this book, but as well the pieces of the very few people I’ve truly loved in this world, not the least of which was my husband.