Tag: only light can kill the darkness

FEBRUARY 5, 2021: “Carrion My Wayward Son!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

If you’re ever bored, please check out my friend, George, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, at the American Eagle Foundation. Believe it or not, as obsessed as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!

“But, why Cat? WHY?”

They are, perhaps, one of the most misunderstood and sorely undervalued creatures of all, a plight I know far too well. As far as I’m concerned, they’re a gift sent from God as a lesson in selflessness and servitude without recognition!

Vultures? Eww, gross! Nasty, dirty, AWFUL, disgusting birds!

What I love about George is how his social media fame is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed from “disgusting bird” you’ll become, as nothing could be farther from the truth!

Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They’re] one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that soaring vultures are a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it’s able to hold its wings motionless and allow the warm air to carry it in sweeping circles toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.
{“The Misunderstood Vulture“}

By no means am I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart and personal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …

THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! They are THE official clean-up crew of death and decay. Without them, we’d be living amid mountains of carcasses, flies, maggots, and only God knows what else that the vultures otherwise consume … aaand the accompanying odors. Now, that would be, “Eww, GROSS!” Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill, by the way, but decay and decomposition are the leading characters in the playbill of their life.

No, thank you, Chef Boyardee! We’ll just take that poor little mess on the west side of I-75 that didn’t quite make it to the other side.

THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with above, they are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feast on corpses, then we learn from theirs. Can someone say circle of life? “The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that would otherwise be consuming US! Meanwhile, no one ever really says, “Hey, thanks buzzard!”

THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social, and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.

THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! Although a vulture’s legs and feet are relatively weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living out their full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty and they can literally float like feathers, but as far as stinging like bees? Umm, not so much. They can shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper. Oh, and about that missing voice box? No, they can’t delight us with birdsong like their fellow feathered compadres, they do still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches, and hisses.

ALL THAT BEING SAID …

“The 5th Day“

MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you, my handsome friend, for helping me rise above all the vulture noise and confusion that once blinded my eyes to one of nature’s great illusions. It is my truest hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wondrous as I do, so that the next time they see your brethren on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”, they’ll say:

Thank you, God, for those magnificent creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion, scavenger, wayward as you soar beneath The Sun. Lay that bald little head of yours to rest, my friend! I couldn’t live without you.”

~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~

If you are “remotely” interested in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation:

<<<CLICK HERE>>>

FEBRUARY 4, 2021: “In My Mind’s Eye” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …

What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?

The answer came to me INSTANTLY!

It was December 1995, and I was just in the process of learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and, most importantly, that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend who knew I’d been struggling and having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received … the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” album. He had that I should listen to the last track first, so, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible, and powerful way possible:

It changed the trajectory of my path forever! I believe with every shred of my being that those most impeccable words were meant for me to hear at that fated cosmic timing so that the following 20 years of living through a hell that some couldn’t bare would find me right here standing in the Light of my “Crazy Grandma Cat” blind faith and divinely appointed “punctuation”:

Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.
{Reverend Billy Graham}

As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with the tone of this post, there are two ironic memories now flooding my mind.

On the night I was gifted this album, I had just left a fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening to the song and LOSING IT, but I didn’t say where I was when it started playing. I had just passed by the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve two years later. There I was listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.

This book. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to his place, just sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. Lol! He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it a part of the decor. Meanwhile, I vividly remember my internal nod to Heaven:

REALLY, God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE’S something, isn’t he?

How little did I know that despite the less than stellar ending, the garden I planted with that king was not only the stuff of fairytales, but a season that will remain in my mind’s eye eternally.

MIND’S EYE

In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}

FEBRUARY 3, 2021: “F8” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“FATE”

As defined by Merrium-Webster:

… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …

… and also …

Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.

… but here’s the deal:

Life isn’t one solid picture and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So, why do we even need to define it? Fate? Destiny? Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything at this point in my bittersweet and epically beautiful “powered by grace” life, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is … OH, that’s right! THERE ISN’T ONE! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect timing and let them fall in place.

The “big picture” you see above is actually a screenshot of my Instagram where I dropped nine separate pieces of the cover of one of my all-time favorite albums. You know? The one with The Brighter Side Of Grey. I asked my followers to back out of the post to see “F8” in the bigger picture.

Sometimes, in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the end just the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your masterpiece reveal itself at its own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered, then put back together as the pièce de ré·sis·tance of heartache, love, and Light.

FEBRUARY 2, 2021: “The Unfortunates” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?

THAT’S OKAY!

Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, yet, for some reason still linger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!

If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’t let them pull that shit again!

Look, I’m all about forgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!

Yup, we’re all human!

YUP, we all fuck up!

NOPE, that doesn’t excuse our behavior!

Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.

BUT SOMETIMES WE GOTTA LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.

Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!

At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!

So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!

UNTIL IT’S GONE

A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 31, 2021: “I’m A Freak Of The World” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven“. That poor bastard. I’m fairly certain that even he had to seek therapy after dealing with me all those months. Lol. Can you imagine being one of those people who put a counselor in counseling?

Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoronical, walking, talking contradiction style, via everything you’ve ever been, said, or done, you’re both an actual AND a metaphorical freak of the world “INFJ“!

When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all“, I literally became nauseous and had a meltdown. Also? I WAS PISSED! Where the hell did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything was wrong with them”, that this, too, was “wrong with them”. Umm, no thanks, Doc. I think I’ll pass!

It all seemed so dark and twisted that I couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass with many of the other spot on things he’d tried to tell me about myself. But hey, that’s a different story for another day.

The second time I took it was at my ‘lil trip to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”. Again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and last time I took it while still at The Meadows, because after taking it the second time, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT again!

What the HELL is wrong with these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me? I don’t WANT to be a freak of nature! I don’t WANT to be “the odd one”!

So, I asked if I could take it one more time. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! The third time actually was the charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat. I’m a Warrior, Motivator, SURVIVOR, AND I’ve overcome one of THE most stigmatic mental illnesses, AND a TESTED AND VERIFIED FREAK! I really AM “kinda like a storm“!

Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFJ. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.

Are there some dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know. YUP! I do have very high expectations … and I’m stubborn … and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, now I spin it this way:

Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because, yes, I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have ya met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to “get” to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!

Yes, I AM one of God’s own high powered prototypes, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re my favorite tattoos of all … cryptic, elusive, and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, and only the BEST of the BEST people this life has to offer me will ever get to!

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my freaked up personality, he always said it made me unique and special:

You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!

He knew I was “this” before we got married, yet made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!)

FREAK OF THE WORLD

Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world!
{Puddle Of Mudd}

JANUARY 27, 2021: “Lost In The Echo” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …

NOPE! I don’t think so! This time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!

… then got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most (yet also abused, tortured, and manipulated him the most) when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been such a long time coming! Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.

And, with that, today is the day my son begins his escape from prison. Granted, his liberation will likely be a long and rocky road in the process, as is the case with anyone who’s ever had to perform the delicate surgery of excising a malignancy from their own family. PLEASE, God, will you give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken cycle as possible – JUST LIKE I DID – and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally choking the life out of him once and for all. Even so, I’ll continue to pray that all these promises broken deep below don’t ever get permanently lost in the echo.

LOST IN THE ECHO

You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So, you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 25, 2021: “My Mona Lisa” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and it’s actually one of my favorite pictures of her. As per the Nikita Gill quote above, yes, she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but not many people do or ever will. She’s her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really know me. My kids and I have all had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even family are concerned, it truly is quality over quantity”.

LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS PICTURE:

You can see the little fighter behind her eyes. If only you really knew the trauma and heartache this kid has been through, yet has somehow managed to rise above with the power, grace and courage, of a living queen.

Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.
{Nikita Gill}

Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a somewhat of an oxymoron. In many ways, we are polar opposites, while others she’s my doppelgänger. She’s one of my only heroes.

I would most likely be dead right now be it not for her. All it took was a singular moment at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over three years old, when I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate but not really eating it because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day everything I’d ever known to be real in my farce of fairy tale life came to a screeching halt as my heart literally shattered in the most powerful and poignant way and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of a darkness I couldn’t even conceptualize and into this “divine punctuation“. It was she who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my few muses and “whys“.

If it is true, as the father of the Mona Lisa once said, that “wisdom is the daughter of experience”, then surely my daughter is the living embodiment of all the wisdom my own experiences have earned me. Yes, I believe with every single shred of my being that I truly am God’s favorite daughter, but even more so is she His most favorite daughter of all and the water that flows from our cup.

With that, and since music is such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is a song for just about every chapter in this Diary. There are certain songs, however, that have been so powerful to me that they’ve shown up here more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. It says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way, just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many miracles as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? She blesses me beyond words, and truth being told, if I ever decide to grow up, I hope I can be just like her!

MIRACLE

Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So, make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. It’s you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}

JANUARY 24, 2021: “The GHOST Of Williamson Manor” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
~ “The Ghost” Of Williamson Manor ~
1 • 24 • 21

… ’cause, umm, doesn’t EVERYONE talk to ghosts in their bathroom?

So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she was sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:

What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS?

The lights started going CRAZY! So, she asked a series of very specific questions, starting with this one:

Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.

“The Ghost” Of Williamson Manor answered every time, right on cue. Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out. As I was looking in the mirror I said:

Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?

… at which point the lights flickered THREE times: “I – LOVE – YOU!!” It was our “three squeeze thing”. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either of us what anyone thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home, IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION! At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find no mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it! So, what do “BOO” think about this, err, “ghostly” situation?

GHOST

Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}

“11 • 11 • 22”

“11 • 20 • 22”
“11 • 23 • 22”
“12 • 4 • 22”

JANUARY 24, 2021: “Queen Of The Mountain!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

A CALL TO MY FELLOW LIONS:

May the power and grace of your strong and determined heart continue to be with you always! It’s really kinda hard standing all alone in the crowd. Oh wait! NO IT’S NOT! Perhaps one of my crowning achievements is knowing that I’m different and embracing it!

Herd mentality, mob mentality or pack mentality describes how people can be influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors on a largely emotional, rather than rational, basis. When individuals are affected by mob mentality, they may make different decisions than they would have individually.
(“The “Herd Mentality” via Wikipedia)

Didja catch that, people? On a “rather than rational basis”! It takes strength, courage, and intelligence to run against or apart from a herd of weak pack animals that are wholly unable to think for themselves and live outside their own ignorance, oblivion, and conformity. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Not only are sheep cute, fluffy, super sweet, and valuable, there’s a reason they’re at the bottom of the food chain. They’re not exactly the brightest bulbs in the circuit board of life, and Darwin freakin’ nailed it when he called it “survival of the fittest”.

Now, get back up to the top of that mountain where you belong, ALONE BUT NOT LONELY IF YOU MUST! Let your mane flow in the breeze, keep your claws ever sharpened and out, and always be ready to swat away all those annoying fucking sheep if they try to slow your roll. Look down at your kingdom, breathe it in, then breathe it out, and laugh to yourself quietly as all the flies land on your SHIT and actually think it tastes good!

RAWWR!

LIONS

Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious!
{Skillet}

JANUARY 21, 2021: “You Can Lead A Fly To Honey” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

BEAR WITH ME …

… ’cause this one’s gonna BEE long! Some days I awaken with a complete loss of words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in it’s exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee in “the chair” and scrolling through social media, when a friend of mine posted this:

Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton …

“HOW I DATED, PLANNED, AND MARRIED MY WIFE”

DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …
ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …
MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not).

MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL:

A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!

♥️ ♥️ ♥️

Umm, I have no idea who this “Ernest” guy is, but as I was reading his words, I got butterflies and the biggest smile. He was literally writing the story of us, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was Zack. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth. But then something else happened. Listen to a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …

A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.
Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.
Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.
I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?

Umm, REALLY? So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:

If you’ve heard anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke ass frog with big dreams. His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one bringing us home to that tiny apartment the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off every single item on that list, such that even in his untimely death, the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. That is what he wanted, and that is what he’ll have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what “things” he left behind, he was a king right from the start. Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind, and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …

… he unconditionally loved me, as did I love him, and that’s how we became king and queen. He was not a control freak, and we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only dowry he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was BROKE) was $32k in debt, an unemployable wife who had just had a nervous breakdown and two kids. Truth being told, our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER! My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thus the exchange of power. We shared the yoke equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine. We built this kingdom together, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.

With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost”, because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.

They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well not only what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded, and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.

All of which leads me to this last but not least “Fifth Agreement”. Of course, they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely.

So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!

Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known, so, shit indeed it is. Been there. Done that. It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed it truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON! Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, but it’s also none of my BEES-ness anyway.

JANUARY 18, 2021: “Happy” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …

Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds kinda twisted, right? Sounds kinda like a big fat LIE, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! I’mma Jean-Claude Van DAMN frigging Sun-stealing fool, my friends, ’cause …

I choose JOY!

I choose RIDICULOUS!

I choose SILLY!

I choose OPTIMISM!

I. CHOOSE. HAPPY!

JANUARY 17, 2021: “Dear God” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear God,

I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places of my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.

For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that’s now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions I feel down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do and always will until I see him again with YOU!

Yes, THANK YOU! Thank you that he was ours, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”. Thank you for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all:

Yes, indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly. With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from Your favorite brat of all …

… Me

JANUARY 15, 2021: “The Only One In Color” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I’d heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’m certain that I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I’m alive. It’s one of “those memories” that are seared into the moving pictures in my mind, such that whenever I do think of it, I can literally “see, hear, feel, smell, and taste it”.

We were driving down I-30 on a bright blue and crisp November day. The sunroof was open, the radio was blaring, the view out the windows was ethereal, and there was a hot cup of cocoa from the truck stop we’d just stopped at between the palms of my hands.

We were at that juncture in our relationship that just found us at peace and immersed in all the colors that were becoming “us”. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t NEED to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without having to say a word. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail, he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT EACHOTHER! We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed, it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that Gia and I were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.

“… in a world of black an white, you are the only one in color”.

What I love most about this song, though, is how powerfully it now speaks to the abundant growth I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to make peace with the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in the multitude of beautiful colors that I saw reflected in the mirror of his eyes.

If you are reading this and struggling to find the colors in your life right now, I want to encourage you to please get out of your heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find that broken little kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless, my friends … YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE!

The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from the people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror one day and say:

OMG! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and venture through this world like the priceless work of art you truly are! Now then, what do you think comes next here? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song, work yourself some magic, AND SING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far, is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!

ONLY ONE IN COLOR

I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well, I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}

JANUARY 12, 2021: “Unconditionally” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE! Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …

DEATH HAPPENS.

Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really is “nothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes after you leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.

Now that I think about it, how many people can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believe that we were created to love unconditionally, but from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our journey of “loving”. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.

If you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do. But remember to start with YOU! If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point, so when I listen to it, I sing it to myself! Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me! Just try it and see what happens!

UNCONDITIONALLY

Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me? {Katy Perry}

JANUARY 9, 2021: “Drinking Straw Parasites” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… and now a word from our sponsor:

Just a ‘lil PSA for your reading enjoyment, people! Are YOU letting parasites and leeches drink from your straws and feast on your life blood? Good grief, I truly hope not. As for me, I stopped handing out my straws so freely a few years ago. It wasn’t immediate, of course, but rather, quite the gradual and painful process. Setting boundaries was difficult for me, because I’m an empath, and despite what some choose to believe, I don’t take pleasure from either hurting people or seeing people hurt. Even so, the “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Here … take one my straws” days are gone and OVER! There was a time not too long ago that I didn’t even realize how valuable my straws were, so I’d hand them to just about anyone.

That was then!

THIS IS NOW!

“This me” and “that me” seem to have finally come full circle, and I suppose in many ways I’ve now become a raving biotch. I also suppose, how ever, that it just depends on who’s near me and my straws! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’m an actual living QUEEN, and queens don’t take sleftovers, scraps, or bullshit from anyone!

These days, I’ll only ever give what I will get back, because my time, effort, attention, and energy are some of the most precious commodities around. My straws are reserved for other kings and queens, and I don’t do toxic with anyone. I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN kinda too good for it:

Hi everyone, it’s me, – CAT! I am THE nicest BITCH you’ll ever wanna know, but these drinking straws of mine are PRICELESS. So, if you really, REALLY want one of ’em, you best bring your A-Game for me, ’cause momma ain’t playin’ around no MO! I’m in this to WIN it, and lions don’t associate with sheep. Unless, of course, they’re having them for dinner! But hey, THAT’S a different story for another day!

Now then, please do enjoy this all too fitting drinking straw parasite serenade from perhaps my favorite “don’t you DARE take BULLSHIT from ANYONE” sponsors of all: The one … the only … the man, the myth, the legend … THE IVAN!

K … Bye!

JANUARY 8, 2021: “Leave Out All The Rest” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

A year ago today, we took the very first bits of his ashes “home” to the gardens at Blarney Castle. When the memory of our trip popped up on Facebook, it prompted a sweet conversation with Christian. Although both the kids are doing much better than they were a year ago when everything was still so fresh and raw, he’s had a really tough time with Zack’s suicide. Not only were the two of them extremely close, but Christian had always said:

You two HAVE to stay together and happy forever … your relationship is the ONLY thing that restores my faith in love.

As you can imagine, August 23, 2019 jaded him even more than our life before Zack did. It was heartbreaking for me to watch their processes at the onset of this nightmare knowing that their Superman let them down in such an unfathomable way. However, watching the miracle of transformation in each of their hearts and how they’ve both been able to forgive him for so much more than anyone will ever know is one of my greatest blessings.

Yes, I do have an uncanny way of taking the best parts of everything and everyone and leaving out all the rest. I suppose the abundant and seemingly endless amount of grace I have for others is one of my best attributes, and I truly do always look for the best in everyone. But here’s the thing …

It’s not me,

IT’S HIM!

He’s the one who has graced me with grace and forgiveness, and His grace and forgiveness for the endless amounts of bullshit I’ve engaged in over the years is what I owe to others. Now, does that mean I’ll tolerate bad behavior towards me or mine? NOPE! Those days are gone for good! My boundaries are beyond firm at this point and there is absolutely no going backwards. This is how we choose to remember him … by taking only the pure joy and treasure he brought to all our lives in the years we “got” to have him.

One of the stoic principals is that of the famously paradoxical Heraclitus:

A man’s character is his fate.

I certainly hope there are as many admirable things about my character as there were about Zack’s that when my time comes, my legacy is as none the worse for the wear despite the many wrongs that I’ve done as his is. Indeed, in his INSANITY the man really fucked some things up before he left us, but guess what people? As for me and mine, we are mindfully and willfully choosing to carry only the very best parts of his character with us moving forward and just leaving out all the rest.

LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST

I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen, ’cause no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I’m done here? So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know … When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Don’t be afraid. I’ve taken my beating. I’ve shared what I’ve made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you. So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know …When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are. {Linkin’ Park}

JANUARY 1, 2021: “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at its roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.

I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.

If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my superpower, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. It’s my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT” paradigm shift! The cycle is broken.

It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last, but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …

“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”

IRIDESCENT

When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}

DECEMBER 31, 2020: “Burn It Down Black Sheep” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Oh, wait! I am “that aunt or uncle”! I mean, I have no nieces or nephews. So, tag! I’m it! I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn my entire life to the ground.

The Black Sheep!

Am I exactly where I want to be? Not even close! My detoxification process has been a bittersweet and often very lonely journey for my broken heart, mind and soul. In the beginning, it took every ounce of strength and conviction I didn’t have. Correction! I did have it, I just didn’t know it yet. She was laying in wait like a sleeping dragon, but, DAMN did she wake up!

Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you, too, are “this person”, you know exactly what I’m saying. While I am certainly no mental health professional, what I have learned in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise, I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:

Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?
{Dr. Michelle Robin … “Empaths Are Here For A Cosmic Purpose“}

COMMISSION ACCEPTED!

I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way I hope, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:

If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you!

Author Unknown

I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. IT WAS ME … and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

DECEMBER 30, 2020: “Shine Bright Like A Diamond” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just thinking about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.

Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.

Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.

So, yah, this is my vibe today! I’m gonna rise and shine, as usual, and always, SO bright that it actually does hurt people to look at me. And by the way, this legacy he left us? It only looks forward and never behind (unless we’re remembering all the laughter and joy). ‘Cause I’m a queen, raising a princess and a king, and that’s what I do, and SHINING will be my legacy!

DECEMBER 25, 2020: “Be Good To Yourself” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that you matter to me! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year! If you’re gonna make just ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this:

Just

Be

KIND!

And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens. It’s our job, and our job alone to find our crowns and get them up onto our own heads! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind TO YOURSELF. After that, EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!

DECEMBER 24, 2020: “‘Twas The Night Before Christmas” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… and all through the land, every creature was patiently awaiting the band …

A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO MY AMAZING KNUCKLEHEAD FAMILY AROUND THE GLOBE … not the least of which is Ivan Moody, Chris Kael, Zoltan Bathory, Charlie Engen and Andy James. 2020 wasn’t half as bad as I suppose it could have been because of all of you! Wishing you all so much love and a POWERFUL 2021!

DECEMBER 20, 2020: “Alone, Not Lonely.” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

The person you needed the most will teach you that you don’t need NOBODY.

I stumbled upon this seemingly poignant quote today by an unknown author. While at first it seemed a bit like a victim’s martyrdom, the longer I sat with it, the more I agreed, only not for the “oh, poor me” reason I believe the author originally intended.

You see, after everything I’ve learned about myself during my process of rebirth and creation, I’ve come to the profound conclusion that the person I needed the most all these years was ME. So, now that I’ve finally shown up for myself with the proverbial white horse, sword, and armor, I sure don’t “need nobody” but me. Wait! I need God and I need me.

Unless and until one can master the art of being “alone, but not lonely” and develop a secure relationship with themselves, they will never truly know whether they’re in a relationship with someone else because they want them or they need them.

THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!

From this point on, anyone I choose to allow into my atmosphere will be there only if I believe they’ll punctuate my life in the same inspired way I punctuate others. My energy is precious, and because I’m mortal, it’s fleeting, so, I refuse to spend it flippantly.

No, I’m not lonely. What I am at this juncture is just “alone” in my process of taking this relationship with myself to epic levels. Truth being told, few are the people who are even strong enough to venture with me into all the uncharted territories I’ve yet to go.

Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you.

Yes, you can be your very own angel and muse, and for the record, “Karma” isn’t always a bad thing. She works both ways, but that’s a different story for another day. As far as I’m concerned, this muse that I’ve become to myself and the pure magic that I wield may have been waiting to find me for many lifetimes. God, Himself, knows how hard I’ve worked to find it though, so, it’ll be an ice-cold day in HELL before I let it go.

I am Catherine Marie Williamson and God’s actual favorite daughter. I am my own best friend. I am my own true freedom. I am my safest home, and a risen from ashes QUEEN. “All of this” is not for the faint of heart, my friends, and this queen ain’t playin’ small! I’d rather reign in my Queendom in solitude at the head of the table for the rest of my life here on Earth than reduce myself to “relationships” I have to force myself to choose out of boredom, desperation, or loneliness.

YOU’RE NOT ALONE TONIGHT

We all drink to forget – some of us more than most. When reality gets too real and the fires of hell to close. But I’m here to let you know that that you can make it through, if you believe that someone is watchin’ over you. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. We all have our days when nothing goes as planned. Not a soul in the world seems to understand. And for someone to talk to, you’d give anything. Well go on and cry out loud – ’cause someone’s listenin’. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. {Keith Urban}

… Meanwhile, 844 days later.

DECEMBER 19, 2020: “I’m Gonna Love You” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

James kisses Margaret before he comes to see us. James kisses Margaret before he does pretty much anything.

{The Daily James}

Dear God,

Knowing my heart the way You do, I’m sure You already knew how taken I was, once again, when I watched this video of one of my favorite “power couples” today. Oh, but the way James literally bows to that Queen he loves so desperately, yet at the same time, no matter how high he places her above himself, he is only ever right beside her. As You and I both know, and as I finally got to learn in the most ethereal way, when a king loves a queen love so deep and so true that each of their hearts but serve the other, the balance of power is never a struggle and there is no “servitude” at all. If only all those silly girls who balk at the thought of “submitting” to their king knew what I know to be true. Ugh.

As we’ve discussed, You know that I trust You implicitly. You and he both made me a queen, and there is no coming back from where I’ve been. I will not and cannot settle for anything less than everything where a potential partner on this journey is concerned, and I’d rather reign “alone, but not lonely” if that’s what Your plan shall be. That being said, if, indeed, there is one last king on Earth that You have waiting for me somewhere, can I please just ask that he really be a king? Like You? Like Zack? Like King James the one true sovereign RULER of Queen Margaret’s heart?

It’s seems an impossible order, but look Who I am talking to. I’ve had two kings before, and three is the perfect number, so, I guess I’ll just wait and see. In the meantime, I will cherish these moments when two real love birds washes over me completely, capture my imagination, and remind me of not only what I’ve had, but who I’ve become. I was someone’s Margaret. I am still YOUR Margaret and your very favorite daughter. I’m a a true and risen queen who was born to serve a king, and going forward I shall fly below nothing less than the wingspan of a “James”.

Just a chill in a winter breeze, standing in the cold debris that left behind so many beautiful memories.

Like every word that has ever left Your lips, there are fingerprints everywhere to evidence the love that’s brought me “here”. I really do only want to be remembered for being that one who will always ever say, “I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly” to that one last king who may be waiting to fly me into the remainder of what’s left of my heart’s bounty.

James almost always positions his head right below Margaret.

~ Love, Cat

(Your FAVORITE Daughter)

I’M GONNA LOVE YOU

Something still comes over me. Just a chill in a winter breeze. Standing in the cold debris left behind a memory. Every word that left your lips left behind your fingerprints. Every crime that love commits brings you right back here to this. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. I’ll never be one to yell surrender as long as you’re standing next to me. ‘Cause I’m gonna love you. I’m gonna love you endlessly. No escaping this embrace every time I see your face. Around the love I can’t erase. Wouldn’t want to anyway. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. {David Cook}

“… Because The Deeper The Love“

@TheDailyJames

DECEMBER 18, 2020: “128,000 Ripples” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“128,000 RIPPLES AND COUNTING”

It’s been 498 days since Fate started spinning the wheel for our family, and 484 days since the king fell off his throne. Yet, here I am still standing strong with this beautiful tiara on my head. More so than that, I’M MAKING RIPPLES AND WAVES, and so can you!

If you are reading this right now, have also been to HELL and back, but are still alive to to tell about it … TELL ABOUT IT! Don’t let your own “Survival Resume” have been in vain. You never know who’s listening and watching, or how far your ripples will reach into the future. Let your survival story be the reason someone else decides to fight and write their own!

DECEMBER 17, 2020: “Yummy Things With Eyeballs” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… because nothing that is given from her head, heart or hands isn’t just that – given from her head, heart and hands. The funny thing about these “yummies” she made for a very lucky few of us is that they aren’t actually the gift. You’d have to be fortunate enough to get to bask in the glow of her halo to understand what I’m saying. Oh, and, in case I forgot to tell you again …

I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!

DECEMBER 16, 2020: “Once … In A Lifetime” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision – not mine. “Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”

I DID IT! I walked back in to the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over. I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives. And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:

Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?

Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him that never even tried to lead me:

Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!

So, with that, I will now remix the words to this all too fitting song in a manner that the KING who loved this formerly broken queen back to life would have said them, if, as I suspect, he was really was watching through his supernova telescope as I fought my way through one of the most powerful moments of my “lifetime” like the heavy-weight champion I’ve become:

I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you. Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna to see that the best is yet to come. Don’t don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love. Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well your first was born, then his a sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side. So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!

DECEMBER 15, 2020: “The Selfish Parent Serenade” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… umm, yes!

YES, IT DOES!

Listen up my parent friends, and listen up real good! We only get them for eighteen years. Actually, make that sixteen once they get their driver’s licenses. None of them ever signed up for this shit show … WE SIGNED UP FOR THEM .. so, they shouldn’t have to sacrifice a single fucking thing so WE can have the lives that we want. WE should make the sacrifices so that our KIDS can have the lives that they DESERVE! There is nothing that should ever come between us and them. Not a job! Not a dream! Not a hobby! Not an education!

NOT EVEN “THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE”!

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to put YOU between them and YOUR children? THAT would be a deal-breaker, people, and that is NOT “the love of your life”!

Honey, I love you, but it’s me or them …

… to which your response should be …

“Well, then don’t let the door hit you in the ACTUAL fucking ASS!”

Does that mean that we aren’t entitled to have those things? The jobs, dreams, hobbies, educations, and the loves of our lives? OF COURSE NOT! But here’s the deal: KIDS FIRST! US LAST! Period. End of story! The years with them home will be over before we know it and then it’s OUR time to fly! The sky’s the limit, but not at the expense of the wings we clip, mangle, twist and BURN when we’re more worried about our wings than theirs.

“Failure To Fly”

Look, I’m no doctor, but I am willing to bet that more “failed flights” than not are due in part to selfish parents who failed to make their kids a priority. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry if that’s kinda hard to swallow, but the truth does hurt, does it not? Let’s not be stupid and squander the fleeting time we have with them at home. More than that, let’s not be “those parents” that the parents who do sacrifice to put their kids first talk badly about behind our backs. WORST OF ALL, let’s not be “those parents” whose KIDS will be talking about to their kids one day, telling them all the things we did or didn’t do, and how our selfish parenting landed them in therapy and medicated because we shattered their fragile hearts like glass!

Not to be sanctimonious, but there are certain crimes against humanity that are deserving of such flagrant disapproval and reproach. ASSHOLE PARENTS ARE ONE OF THEM! For the record, I too have been guilty of some not so stellar, very selfish parenting. I’m not EVEN gonna sit here and lie! But guess what? I grew up, WOKE UP, and took a sobering look at the wreckage I’d gifted to the undeserving kids I allowed to become casualties of both my war within and my war abroad. After breaking apart for a not so hot minute or two, I looked into the mirror at the little girl who knew exactly how it felt to be at the losing end of an unavailable parent. My guilty conscience took care of the rest. I sat down with my both my kids at different times and stages appropriate to their age and understanding and had the hardest and most awkward conversations of my life:

Kids, I’m sorry, but mommy TOTALLY fucked you over! Let me tell you how …

At which point I owned it all, accounted for everything, APOLOGIZED, then vowed to start doing better! Never again will my kids be second to anything or anyone … NOT EVEN MY OWN DAMN SELF!

This song is probably one of the best “selfish parent serenades” of all times. If you’ve ever been guilty of misappropriating the precious gift of parenthood, it may just twist you up inside the same way it twisted me the first time I heard it. Should that be the case, do yourself a favor and change your parenting story immediately! Talk to your kids and fill their precious ears with only the most beautiful words. Validate their wounds. Accept them as they are.

But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart.

Is that the legacy you want to leave? Certainly not! But children grow up and become adults, many of whom end up spending so much time in therapy trying to fix the damage we caused that they have no choice but to keep us in “separate chambers of the heart”. They learn about boundaries and “loving from a distance” to protect themselves from us and break the cycle, and thus the bridge is burned.

For the record, no matter what seemingly unforgiveable parenting mistakes you’ve made or how old your children are, it’s never too late to own it, account for it, apologize, and start doing better! As long as you’re breathing and so are they, JUST FIX IT!

BURNING IN THE SKIES

I use the dead wood to make the fire rise. The blood of innocence burning in the skies. I filled my cup with the rising of the sea and poured it out in an ocean of debris. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. We held our breathe when the clouds began to form, but you were lost in the beating of the storm. But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. It’s in the blackened bones of bridges I have burned. The blame is mine alone for bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. {Linkin’ Park}

@DashHudson

@TheRealJeffWright

DECEMBER 14, 2020: “Give Him Roots” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
The “Tell Us What You See” Tree
{Courtesy Of “The Daily James”}

This morning, I saw this post on Instagram by one of my favorite haunts, “The Daily James“, a Los Angeles based wildlife sanctuary that is home to one of my absolute favorite families, “King James, Margaret and the kids“. But I’ve digressed. The post was of this picture above along with one very simple question: “Tell us what you see.” To which I replied …

The thing that struck me the most in this post was the first picture of that magnificent tree. It screamed, “Look here upon my branches – Creation’s true majesty. I am a life well lived, no matter the circumstances or elements that have encumbered me – a true force to be reckoned with. I am ONLY as tall as my roots are deep, no matter HOW twisted and chaotic they may be seem. I am a strong fortress. I am – everything.”

Twenty-eight years ago today, after nineteen hours and eleven minutes of labor (but, hey, who’s counting), my first true prince and love of my life was born at exactly 4:50pm! With that, this picture couldn’t have come at a more fitting time, because after I made my response, I immediately thought of this song I’ve loved since first hearing it in the early ’90’s when I just beginning to know Jesus. Up until then, I had been wandering lost in the woods all alone. Actually? Correction: I wasn’t really alone – He was ALWAYS with me, I just wasn’t ready to believe it. Truth be told, even after I accepted Christ into my heart, my walk was a bit of a struggle. I’ve been a really stubborn kid – NO JOKE! Christian was so young at the time, and I tried desperately to give him the solid foundation he needed to get through life. But alas, I failed him at so many turns. It’s the absolute tragic truth.

Those days are gone though, and now I very much know better. I truly have seen the error of my ways, not the least of which is the not-so-stable ground I set his feet upon and the wings I helped clip that have made it more difficult for him to fly. Just as sure as God has forgiven me for my many imperfections and failures, I, too, have done the same. All I can do at this point is try to lead him to The Truth by my example and let His Majesty take it from there.

My son is a true force to be reckoned with, just like his mom and sister! It’s just a matter of time … and only a matter of faith. At the end of the day, no matter how “twisted and chaotic” his roots are below, there is a strong fortress working behind him powering the circumstances and elements. The great “I Am” is everything I need to know.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!

I love you to the Moon and back and am SO beyond proud to be your mom. I believe in you, always, unconditionally, with every shred of my being, from here and throughout eternity! My truest prayer to God is now, and always will be, that both you and your little sister grow into the magnificent masterpieces you were meant to be from the seeds sown by not only my past mistakes, but the mistakes of every single root-rotted branch of our twisted family tree. Rise above it son. Rise above, fly away, and never look back with regret!

GIVE HIM ROOTS

So many voices in his ear. Are they playing on his fears? It’s a bad situation all the way around. But with a solid foundation, he’s gonna stand his ground. Take a little time. Plant the seeds. Give him reasons to believe. Give him roots, and give him wings, and he’ll grow up to do great things. Let him know the joy that he brings. Teach him the value of the truth. Oh you gotta give him roots. Give him wings. When he comes to you and he needs your help, and he’s so unsure of himself, give him vision so he can see the Light. Let him know the difference between wrong and right. Share the wisdom of your peers. There’ll be laughter. There’ll be tears. He should aim as high as the sky. There ain’t nothing he can’t do if he’ll only try. {Clay Crosse}

DECEMBER 12, 2020: “Never Cross A Crow!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I live in a very special place inside my own head that’s really not so bad! What you see is what you get with me – I’m the happiest “sad person” I think I’ve ever met.

If you’ve been keeping up with this Diary or any of my whacky videos, you’ve probably heard me say that I’m the “luckiest person” I’ve ever met. I love my life – the good, the bad, and the ugly – and am thankful for EVERY day I get to be live it. No matter what broken roads I’ve traveled, and no matter how much I miss my king, I know he’s smiling down on me right now watching me survive with joy, and love, and light. He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way, and his heart would be broken even more than it was in the first place if he couldn’t look down and see me still “being me” – a very happy Cat!

Keep the faith my friends! If you’re struggling in any way, shape, or form? Just breathe, be silly, and try laugh a little more, especially at yourself. It’s perfectly okay to do that, you know, even when your grieving. Much love to all of you today. And remember … NEVER cross a crow!

DECEMBER 11, 2020: “One Heart” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you get a surprise in the mail from literally out of the blue from a dear friend of years with not only a precious gift, but these sweet words as well:

Watching your love story grow was beautiful. Watching how you honor your husband today is beautiful. Under the surface, I am sure you have experienced a roller coaster of emotion. But you carry on with such grace and strength. Even though I never had the privilege of meeting your husband, I hope this ornament can serve as a small piece to honor him at Christmas. May God bless and keep your family safe during this holiday season.

Of all the things that could have reduced me of all people to speechless tears today! You know, “the Cat who never seems to shut up”? It was a random act of kindness for the win! With that, I am yet again reminded of just how blessed I am. I, too, wish she could have met him. I wish all of you could have met him (the him that he was before that monster in his head move in that is). He was a force to be reckoned with, the changer of my game, and the king of my heart.

This ornament is so very special to me that it will now adorn the little lamp in my kitchen year-round! It will serve as a daily reminder of not just him and every piece of this journey, but most importantly that in all things big and small, God is “turning and turning” this thing with the One Heart that brings hearts like hers near mine.

ONE HEART

There’s a new church on the horizon, made of light, not of stone. Calling out to all Creation – you are not alone, no, no, no. Lions and lambs. Saints and sinners. Best of friends. Enemies. Woman and man. Losers and winners. They are all in you and me. We are one heart looking for answers. One soul finding our way in the dark. One dream we share together. We are all a part of one heart. Out in the cold, ooh, there are faces hidden by, the wind and rain. Hold out your hand – someone will take it. They’re gonna bring you home again. Around the Earth tonight the fires are burning. Tears are falling from the sky. Still the world keeps turning … turning and turning and turning. {Clay Crosse}

DECEMBER 10, 2020: “Dear Mom!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“Dear Mom …”

Could any two words in the history of written language EVER melt a heart so quickly as they do mine? OH, but the irony here! In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a very sentimental person. It’s all those little things in my life, like the sticks, the rocks, the dried-up flowers, and love notes from my people that mean literally “everything” to me … and yes, to the best of my ability … I KEEP THEM ALL! I’ve had this love note from Gia to me and Zack resting on the typing stand on my desk since literally the day I found it waiting on my keyboard to be found as a surprise and read, “November 29, 2014”. The other one, however, I only recently found when I was shuffling through a stack of papers that were inside my desk that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with. You know the stack? “Toss it, or keep it? Hmm. I’ll just keep it and deal with it later!” Meanwhile, years later, and ya FINALLY start going through it all!

The love note from Christian (“Circa 2008”, age 16) was also left as a surprise for me to find on the keyboard of my computer when I was still living at His house with all of them. Sadly, it wasn’t too long afterwards that I’d made my final exit once and for all. And by the way, how completely crazy is it that both their notes were done in either the same or a very similar font? For the record, I chose today to publish this post because it’s “midway” between November 29th and December 18th. I just split the difference and landed here!

I’m not gonna lie, when I found Christian’s note, it tore me up pretty good, but not in the traditional “torn up” way. It was good. A river of tears flowing from my eyes at just the right time and space. It’s these precious little bits of “everything” from days gone by that remind me that although I’ve definitely had my fair share of screw ups and not-so-stellar mom moments, at the end of the day, this is what I’ve been fighting for. I carry them while they carry me forward as a Light to punctuate their dark.

In being honest, these love notes from my kids do also make me a little bit sad. That king who gave us absolutely everything never had this as a child, and that’s what eventually broke him. She shattered him into pieces and now he’s gone. Luckily, however, I can let him rest in peace knowing that he did finally have a home and “everything” to carry him through the season we were lucky enough to call him ours.

Hey, God? Thank You. No, really. THANK YOU! And hey, to my babies?

“This lightning’s gonna strike right through those hearts of yours again, ’cause this rain ain’t gonna stop, and you’ll feel every drop as they keep on dancing on your heads. But you gotta hold on … you gotta be strong … right here with me if it all goes wrong to keep you from harm … away in my arms … steer you away from the storm! When The Sun won’t come around and your world keeps washing out, I won’t let this love fall down. I’ll carry you. So, let’s run toward waiting lights, ’cause I know there’s better skies ahead. Sands through an hourglass … your floods are gonna pass … and we’ll still be standing, hand in hand!
Love, Mom
(“I’ll Carry Them“)

DECEMBER 8, 2020: “Hey! Younger You! RISE UP!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection
~ Artwork by Ryze Black ~

First of all, my sincere gratitude to the talented young artist I’ve befriended on Instagram, Ryze Black, for collaborating with me on this project. I sent her the words for which I needed a backdrop late the night with a commission:

I need a superhero looking silhouette with a cape to go with these words. Can you do that?

This picture you see is the final result and I couldn’t be happier with it! In the meantime, please don’t forget for remember that “broken kids” aren’t always kids. Sometimes we’re adults. Treat yourself kindly, with patience, love, and respect, and validate yourself in all things always! TELL THAT BROKEN KID HIDING BENEATH YOUR SKIN THAT THEY’RE TOTALLY FREAKING AWESOME AND THEY DIDN’T DESERVE TO BE BROKEN!

“Reparenting.”

It’s everything! The first day in your adult life that you’re able to show that broken kid you once were (or the kid you never got to be) some empathy, grace, unconditional love, and compassion, will be the first day of the rest of your life. I call “that day” my second birthday, and yes, my friends, I remember exactly where I was when I began the reparenting of “younger me”. It was April 8, 2008, and it truly was the beginning of who I’ve become.

Much love to all of you “broken adult kiddos” out there. “Come out, come out, wherever you are!” Your cape will be waiting by the mirror! Find it. Accept it. Embrace it. WEAR IT! Let it adorn your “sick of being tired” shoulders and RISE YOU UP to who you’re waiting to become … your very own superhero – YOU!

“I Get To Love Her!”

DECEMBER 7, 2020: “The Lord Of The Land” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

“Lord Walter The Williamson”

He’s one of the five reigning kings of my heart. Another is my God. Another is my son. Two others are now resting in peace. I am one very lucky Queen! That is all.

DECEMBER 6, 2020: “The Great Adventure” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Can I get an amen AND a witness?

A well-stamped passport and an abundance of travel memories (at home AND abroad) as a child is the number one key to destroying hatred, bigotry, racism, and xenophobia as an adult! We gotta keep their horizons BROAD so their minds can stay WIDE OPEN!

As I’ve said before, of all the many legacies the king left behind, perhaps the most treasured are our many “adventures”. Although he didn’t know it when we met, because the life he’d lived before us was mostly solitaire and uneventful, Williamson was a natural born adventurer at heart. It wasn’t long after our first trip together that he developed the same steadfast passion for travel that I’ve always had. There were so many nights he’d sit endlessly researching all the places he wanted to take us … and even more so, the places he wanted to take Gia. Once he’d decided that he was going to be the first one to take her to Europe, IT WAS ALL UPHILL FROM THERE! He had it firm in his mind that we would put one stamp in her Passport each year she of high school and college if possible, which for the record, is just one of the promises he made that I fully intend to keep!

Sadly, I can count on less than one hand all the places my ex-husband took me and the kids, and in fact, since the day she was born he has taken Gia NOWHERE! Not one place … not one time … ZERO “adventures” have they had. Traveling was just never his thing I suppose. Well, correction … “traveling with us” that is. He is more than par to the task, but only if it suits him, and according to “who” the priority is at any given time. I have it on good record that in over the years he has done his own fair share of traveling, but again, just not with our kids. Perhaps one of the most heart-breaking conversations I’ve ever had in my life was several years ago when I was sitting with Christian and his girlfriend at the time going through all his childhood scrapbooks.

Mom, why isn’t dad in any of these pictures?

He was right. His dad wasn’t in any of the travel pictures in his albums. For the most part, in our combined sixteen years together, I was the only one who took our son “on adventures”. Not Him. ME! It was always just me and Christian … either with my family or on our own. But you see, Christian had forgotten that part, as I believe he had had subliminally blocked that very painful reality from his memory. In being honest, I UNDERSTAND WHY, as my father never really traveled much with us either. In that moment, I think my heart shattered in a whole new kind of way, and to this day it breaks my heart when I hear those sobering words my son spoke echoing in the back of my mind. Zack understood my heartbreak in that regard, and to the best of his ability tried to include Christian in as many of our “adventures” as possible. It was just another of the many reasons I fell in love with him over and over and over!

In the meantime, I remain grateful for all the many opportunities I’ve had with my both Zack AND my kids to see as much of this beautiful Atlas as possible and also for the fact that because of the not so unfortunate position be left me in, I am STILL afforded the luxury of a living life out of a suitcase at whim!

I am fully aware that not everyone is so fortunate and do not take that for granted. At the end of the day, to see, smell, taste, hear and experience EVERYTHING in EVERY corner of this Earth is one of my truest passions.

Call me a gypsy, a wanderer, or a vagabond … but one day I hope my kids’ kids will look back fondly at me and say, “WOW! Just WOW! That Crazy Grandma Cat of ours was quite the adventurer”! It’s one of the most important legacies I want to leave behind when it’s time for my greatest adventure of all!

THE GREAT ADVENTURE

Chasing thoughts inside my head of all I had to do today. Another time around the circle. Try to make it better than the last. I opened up the Bible and I read about You and me. Said we’d all been prisoners and God’s grace had set us all free. Somewhere between the pages it hit me like a lightning bolt. I saw a big frontier in front of me, and I heard Somebody say, “let’s go”! Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze. Through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure. So come on get ready for the ride of your life! Gonna leave long faced religion in a cloud of dust behind and discover all the new horizons waiting to be explored. This is what we were created for. Saddle up your horses, we’ve got a trail to blaze through the wild blue yonder of God’s amazing grace. Let’s follow our leader into the glorious unknown. This is a life like no other, whoa whoa this is the great adventure! We’ll travel long, over mountains so high. We’ll go through valleys so low. Still through it all we’ll find that this is the greatest journey that the human heart will ever see. The love of God will take us far beyond our wildest dreams. {Stephen Curtis Chapman}

DECEMBER 2, 2020: “You’re Just LAZY!” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

🎶

“Yeah, I drive myself crazy, ’cause I can’t escape the gravity. I’m holding on. Why is everything so heavy? I’m holding on to so much more than I can carry. I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down. If I just let go, I’d be set free. Holding on … Why is everything so heavy?”

(“Heavy“)

🎶

You … are NOT … LAZY!

You … are just … TIRED!

Let me ask you something: How did reading the Homer quote I posted make you feel? If anything, I hope it made you feel relieved!

Listen up, my friend! If you’ve been through a trauma – no matter or big or small – YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE WORN OUT, STRUNG OUT, and Jean-Claude Van Damn SICK of trying to keep up the appearance of having a SINGLE ounce of energy for a hot minute, month, or even year or two.

Pain changes you!

Grief changes you!

The timeline for recovering from psychological and emotional exhaustion is neither fluid OR the same process for everyone. The grieving and mourning period for the you that was lost in the boxing ring of life is YOURS to spend and no one gets to tell you when you “should” be over anything or that you’re just fuckin’ LAZY for licking your wounds!

Also? You’re GONNA be okay, regardless of what “okay” looks like from the outside looking in. Look, if I can do this, you can do this! So, keep your faith and fly from the inside on YOUR timing, NO ONE ELSE’S, ’cause there is NO easy way out of Hell, and only YOU get to say how many wrungs of the ladder you climb each day. And hey, if no one else in this entire world believes you’re literally exhausted, HERE’S SOMEONE WHO DOES: Me! I DO! Here’s your permission to be LAZY!

SURVIVOR

Bulletproof. Adrenalized. Burning up. Cauterized. I’m the roar. The battle cry. Screaming out … IT’S MY LIFE! It’s my time! My fight! I’m unstoppable! I’m unbreakable! It’s my pride, my ride. I won’t be denied! How you like me now? Ali ‘cuz I believed. You tried to knock me out, but you couldn’t drop … no you couldn’t drop me! I’ll never bow down! Never own defeat! ‘Cuz you messed with a fighter! I stand here baptized by the fire. A SURVIVOR! Supercharged. Flying high. All lit up. Electrified. I’m the storm. A hurricane. Rising up like a tidal wave! {Scott Stapp}

NOVEMBER 30, 2020: “The Beautiful Infection” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

TO READ MORE ABOUT “THE TRIBE” THAT ALMOST DESTROYED MY DAUGHTER, CLICK <<HERE>>!

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

Will I know if it’s happiness I see? Will I feel a different side of me? And if I let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Am I doing the best that I can? We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. Can I see The Light still needs to shine inside of me through the windows I can’t find. Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. {One Less Reason}

NOVEMBER 30, 2020: “Another One Bites The Dust” …

The Diary Of My Perfection

Thank you kindly “Dr. X”, but you should see my heart, my mind, my soul, and my steadfast loyalty and servitude. Especially since those are the ONLY things about me that will stand the test of time, age and gravity. So, with that …

… ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I’M THE NICEST BITCH YOU’LL EVER MEET. I’m a queen who will HAPPILY reign alone, but not lonely on this Earth for as long as I’m allowed to live here if there isn’t one last king out there waiting for me somewhere with a much better opener than “you’re so pretty”. Umm, hey, “Doctor X”? YOU’RE SO BLOCKED! Also? You’re so gross!