I’ve long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM.
Lastly, and on a side note, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it is my truest prayer that everyone reading this either has already or will someday soon attract a “Naked Partner” who speaks the love language of your heart so that you don’t have to spend what is often an entirely fruitless lifetime trying to interpret, decode, translate, and explain the language of your soul.
… because he’ll know how to read the most encryption within my heart before we ever speak a word. The the only thing that can survive fire is fire, just as the only one who belongs with a queen is a king … but DAMN, he’ll be one lucky man! Trust me when I tell you, I really am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. That’s what he’ll have to be, too.
SOUL SEARCHER
I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}
THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room!
The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are, indeed, BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew I was priceless, valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world every single day. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that he made me a queen and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life, “all the flowers” are just one of the many reasons why!
Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but who he was and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies … it just slips into another room. So, with that, why not go and get YOURSELF some flowers today, because you are worthy, too!
… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, how I earned the endearing title of Miss Red Hook 1922, and why FOG is my other favorite color.
Faith And Perspective.
The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, looming, or haunting. Within it’s mist, I feel a cosmic hug from every moment and creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, ethereal, and POWERFUL, like The One Who ever charged me to solve the great mystery in the first place:
My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, you will before your journey here is over. When that day comes, you will never be falling down again … you’ll only be falling UP … and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing you these words:
I wept as I saw you aching, broke as I watched you falling, and suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, but I never left your side, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything and all of it“, you’re standing at My high cathedral walls where nothing about your journey has been meaningless or small. I love you, Child. You are warm, well fed, and at peace Here.
WE FALL DOWN
Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So, when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause we fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}
Hi everyone, it’s me, your friendly, neighborhood “REAL CAT” with some EPIC life hacks for ya … not the least of which is THIS:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
Before the clock strikes that hour when your beloved is gonna walk through your door, slap some lipstick on it, brush your teeth, and give that lucky person driving home to you right now a ‘lil somethin’ to look forward to! Oh, and clean out your jewelry box! Okay, that’s it!
Meanwhile, how ’bout THIS self-portrait of mine Circa “sometime in the late 1980’s” that I drew using a charcoal pencil and the literal ashes from my father’s ashtray?
Yes, that’s right, my friends – evidently THIS is what I used to see when I gazed into a mirror. Pretty effing sad, dontcha think? For YEARS, if not three full decades, my reflection was either missing or just TRAGICALLY gone awry.
That was then.
THIS IS NOW!
I’m a beautifully IMPERFECT masterpiece of magnanimous proportion who actually blows KISSES to herself in the mirror pretty much every time I get. No, REALLY! I do that! My “self talk” game is on FLEEK now! Wait! Is THAT how the young ‘uns say it?
Lol! Here’s me this morning when I first woke up and saw myself in the looking glass whilst looking like the actual creature from beyond:
“Love you, bitch! MUAH!” 💋
{PS}
If you’ve never seen “The Help“, I cannot recommend it enough. Not only is a major lesson for those who don’t fully understand the UGLY truth about American history, but Viola Davis is probably one of my favorite actors of all times. Her portrayal of “Aibileen Clark” (who I mistakenly said was “Minnie” in the video) literally changed the way I speak to myself, EVERY, single, day … AND the way that I hope MY daughter, HER daughters, and my future GRANDdaughters will “self-talk” themselves for as long as my legacy lives on. Just thought I’d share.
I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this quote in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …
Yes, I know – we’re ALL fucking busy. We ALL have issues and feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it, I do! I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if, damnit! Make the damn call or send the text:
Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!
Trust me when I say that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love. Also? It’s the right thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still too busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave!
Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?
There you have it, folks! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find for “your people” is gone, you’re not gonna get it back!
If you’re a natural born taker, and not so much a giver, I get it, and can even appreciate it. There really is a place for both sides of the giver/taker coin, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would anyone what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like, too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core truth. But here’s another even harder core truth …
One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying,
Wait! Where are all my people … and for God’s sake, WHO ARE ALL MY PEOPLE?
This is usually right about the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else … even when your own cards were down, and going, “Wow! What the fuck? REALLY?“
Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.
And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone you’re theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later, we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort, and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day, I’m killing off living people left and right.
IN THE LIVING YEARS
Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … it’s not me …
I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.
HERO
I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}
I am me. I’m my own best friend, and the one person in my life who I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my very last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.
Rise from your OWN ashes, my friends! Hey, look! Isn’t that “kinda” where diamonds come from? Even the most beautiful diamond is nothing but dirty, disgusting, filthy black carbon DUST forged in the fires burning at the heart, soul, and core of this Earth! Just sayin’!
BEAUTY WILL RISE
It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes.
Tonight I watched an episode of “This Is Us” that took me to the ground again, then way back up again, within a very short emotional roller course of less than sixty minutes. Not only was it one of our favorite shows to, but like so many others who watch this series, we were both connected to several of it’s characters. This scene, though? It gut punched me in every worst and worst way possible, but really had me at …
They don’t wanna hang out with us anymore. It’s moving really fast. … We only have a few more years together under the same roof … a few more years where we get to be a part of their daily lives. And then what? They’re gonna move out.
And therein lied a problem far too complicated to explain, but sufficed to say that the mere thought of losing Gia permanently is what really started pushing him over the edge:
As you may know, long before August 22, 2019 when Zack turned our world upside down with the most egregious exit possible, Gia had been on a downward descent of her own for several years. Someday I will revisit in greater detail that sobering night in November 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone after she’d gone to sleep, Zack walked into our room with a look of doom, dread, fear and panic on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she had searched “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I think I want to kill myself”. Our world came to a frozen halt.
Zack had always said he didn’t think he could survive losing either of us after having been literallyabandoned by his “mother”, then theoretically abandoned by virtually everyone else he’d ever loved. Sadly, I now realize that he really meant what he was saying during those cryptic conversations:
Catherine, I only have five years left with her and then she’ll be going to college. It seems like a lifetime when she’s only gone for two days, so what’s going to happen when she’s gone for months at a time? And then when she’s gone for good? Just thinking about it makes me sick and I don’t know how I’ll survive it!
But now let’s back up to yet another tender moment we’d shared together as a family just a few years earlier, and how this song from that moment circles back to this Diary entry.
The movie was “Trolls”, which was one of his favorites, and it was the water-color hanging on the cabin wall that set the whole tone for the “This Is Us” scene that immediately brought me back to the day we saw Trolls. If you’ve ever seen it, you know that it ends with this song, and like many other familieswho’ve watched it together, the three of us just sat there hand in hand and sobbing as it played. All I could think of was my seemingly impermeable “tower of strength” husband being reduced to rivers of tears at a children’s movie. I saw his true colors shining through, but he’s the one who helped me find mine … and “that’s why I loved him”. After all was said and done, it was the many true colors of our love that defined the story of “us”.
TRUE COLORS
You with the sad eyes – don’t be discouraged. Oh, I realize it’s hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small. Show me a smile, then don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful. I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors are beautiful – like a rainbow! Oh! I can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up, ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful – like a rainbow. {Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick}
I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}
… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve INVENTED heard in a long damn time! Just sayin’!
RIGHT NOW
Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}
Indeed it’s true that the “I got my heart broken, and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal, and very real for many. But here’s what I’ve been screamin’, so, listen up real good …
If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of true love all the while and even though some of the most forgettable ones almost destroyed me, I would never have met the two loves of my life, may they both be resting in peace.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again …
I have loved and been truly loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime, not just one. How many women can say that? While sadly, Fatecalled them both Home ahead of me, the love they gave was enough to last the rest of my lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nevertheless, it remains …
The people who have hurt you are but FODDER beneath your feet fortifying you for greener pastures to come. (YES, there can be greener pastures beyond baron fields of SHIT, but not until you’re prepared to turn up the dirt).
You will never be able to recognize or appreciate a realking or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of assholes! So, just keep on stepping over all that fodder as you head towards greener pastures in the Light! Take it from me … the grass really is better on this side of the fence and can keep on feeding you LONG after the loved ones who helped you sow it are but dust now reaped into your soil.
For the record, YES, I still listen to Corey Hart all the time and LOVE this beautiful song. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen.
TAKE MY HEART
Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can?{Corey Hart}
Awe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you really ARE gonna have one day!
… then you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because Jean-Claude Van DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracioushuman being you’ve EVER met.
If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the entire history of this world.
If you’re ever bored, please check out my friend, George, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, at the American Eagle Foundation. Believe it or not, as obsessed as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!
“But, why Cat? WHY?”
They are, perhaps, one of the mostmisunderstood and sorely undervalued creatures of all, a plight I know far too well. As far as I’m concerned, they’re a gift sent from God as a lesson in selflessness and servitude without recognition!
What I love about George is how his social media fame is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed from “disgusting bird” you’ll become, as nothing could be farther from the truth!
Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They’re]one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that soaring vultures are a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it’s able to hold its wings motionless and allow the warm air to carry it in sweeping circles toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.
By no meansam I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart andpersonal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …
THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! They are THE official clean-up crew of death and decay. Without them, we’d be living amid mountains of carcasses, flies, maggots, and only God knows what else that the vultures otherwise consume … aaand the accompanying odors. Now, that would be, “Eww, GROSS!” Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill, by the way, but decay and decomposition are the leading characters in the playbill of their life.
No, thank you, Chef Boyardee! We’ll just take that poor little mess on the west side of I-75 that didn’t quite make it to the other side.
THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with above, they are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feast on corpses, then we learn from theirs. Can someone say circle of life?“The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that would otherwise be consuming US! Meanwhile, no one ever really says, “Hey, thanks buzzard!”
THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social, and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.
THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! Although a vulture’s legs and feet are relatively weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living out their full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty and they can literally float like feathers, but as far as stinging like bees? Umm, not so much. They can shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper. Oh, and about that missing voice box? No, they can’t delight us with birdsong like their fellow feathered compadres, they do still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches, and hisses.
MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you, my handsome friend, for helping me rise above all the vulture noise and confusion that once blinded my eyes to one of nature’s great illusions. It is my truest hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wondrous as I do, so that the next time they see your brethren on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”,they’ll say:
Thank you, God, for those magnificent creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion, scavenger, wayward as you soar beneath The Sun. Lay that bald little head of yours to rest, my friend! I couldn’t live without you.”
~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~
If you are “remotely” interested in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation:
Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
The answer came to me INSTANTLY!
It was December 1995, and I was just in the process of learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and, most importantly, that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend who knew I’d been struggling and having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received … the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” album. He had that I should listen to the last track first, so, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible, and powerful way possible:
Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.
{Reverend Billy Graham}
As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with the tone of this post, there are two ironic memories now flooding my mind.
On the night I was gifted this album, I had just left a fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening to the song and LOSING IT, but I didn’t say where I was when it started playing. I had just passed by the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve two years later. There I was listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.
This book. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to his place, just sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. Lol! He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it a part of the decor.Meanwhile, I vividly remember my internal nod to Heaven:
REALLY, God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE’S something, isn’t he?
In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}
… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …
… and also …
Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.
… but here’s the deal:
Life isn’t one solid picture and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So, why do we even need to define it? Fate? Destiny? Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything at this point in my bittersweet and epically beautiful “powered by grace” life, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is … OH, that’s right! THERE ISN’T ONE! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect timing and let them fall in place.
Sometimes, in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the endjust the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your masterpiece reveal itself at its own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered, then put back together as the pièce de ré·sis·tance of heartache, love, and Light.
You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?
THAT’S OKAY!
Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queenaway, yet, for some reason stilllinger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!
If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’tlet them pull that shit again!
Look, I’m all aboutforgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!
Yup, we’re all human!
YUP, we all fuck up!
NOPE, that doesn’t excuse our behavior!
Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
BUT SOMETIMES WE GOTTA LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I knowGod hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.
Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!
At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissismandhaving found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!
So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!
UNTIL IT’S GONE
A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}
The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven“. That poor bastard. I’m fairly certain that even he had to seek therapy after dealing with me all those months.Lol. Can you imagine being one of those people who put a counselor in counseling?
Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoronical, walking, talking contradiction style, via everything you’ve ever been, said, or done, you’re both an actual AND a metaphorical freak of the world “INFJ“!
When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all“, I literally became nauseous and had a meltdown. Also? I WAS PISSED!Where the hell did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything was wrong with them”, that this, too, was “wrong with them”. Umm, no thanks, Doc. I think I’ll pass!
It all seemed so dark and twisted that I couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass with many of the other spot on things he’d tried to tell me about myself. But hey, that’s a different story for another day.
The second time I took it was at my ‘lil trip to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”. Again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and last time I took it while still at The Meadows, because after taking it the second time, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT again!
What the HELL is wrong with these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me? I don’t WANT to be a freak of nature! I don’t WANT to be “the odd one”!
So, I asked if I could take it one more time. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! The third time actually was the charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …
Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFJ. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.
Are theresome dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know. YUP! I do have very high expectations … and I’m stubborn … and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, now I spin it this way:
Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because, yes, I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have ya met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to “get” to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!
Yes, I AM one of God’s own high powered prototypes, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re my favorite tattoos of all … cryptic, elusive, and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, and only the BEST of the BEST people this life has to offer me will ever get to!
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my freaked up personality, he always said it made me unique and special:
You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!
He knew I was “this” before we got married, yet made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!)
FREAK OF THE WORLD
Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world!
This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and it’s actually one of my favorite pictures of her. As per the Nikita Gill quote above, yes, she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but not many people do or ever will. She’s her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really know me. My kids and I have all had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even family are concerned, it truly is quality over quantity”.
Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.
Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a somewhat of an oxymoron. In many ways, we are polar opposites, while others she’s my doppelgänger. She’s one of my only heroes.
I would most likely be dead right now be it not for her. All it took was a singular moment at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over three years old, when I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate but not really eating it because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day everything I’d ever known to be real in my farce of fairy tale life came to a screeching halt as my heart literally shattered in the most powerful and poignant way and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of a darkness I couldn’t even conceptualize and into this “divine punctuation“. It was she who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my few muses and “whys“.
If it is true, as the father of the Mona Lisa once said, that “wisdom is the daughter of experience”, then surely my daughter is the living embodiment of all the wisdom my own experiences have earned me. Yes, I believe with every single shred of my being that I truly am God’s favorite daughter, but even more so is she His most favorite daughter of all and the water that flows from our cup.
With that, and since music is such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is a song for just about every chapter in this Diary. There are certain songs, however, that have been so powerful to me that they’ve shown up here more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. It says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way, just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many miracles as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? She blesses me beyond words, and truth being told, if I ever decide to grow up, I hope I can be just like her!
MIRACLE
Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So, make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. It’s you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}
… ’cause, umm, doesn’t EVERYONE talk to ghosts in their bathroom?
So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she was sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:
What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS?
The lights started going CRAZY! So, she asked a series of very specific questions, starting with this one:
Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.
“The Ghost” Of Williamson Manor answered every time, right on cue. Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out. As I was looking in the mirror I said:
Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?
… at which point the lights flickered THREE times: “I – LOVE – YOU!!” It was our “three squeeze thing”. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either of us what anyone thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home, IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION!At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find no mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it! So, what do “BOO” think about this, err, “ghostly” situation?
GHOST
Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}
Herd mentality, mob mentality or pack mentality describes how people can be influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors on a largely emotional, rather than rational, basis. When individuals are affected by mob mentality, they may make different decisions than they would have individually.
Didja catch that, people? On a “rather than rational basis”! It takes strength, courage, and intelligence to run against or apart from a herd of weak pack animals that are wholly unable to think for themselves and live outside their own ignorance, oblivion, and conformity. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Not only are sheep cute, fluffy, super sweet, and valuable, there’s a reason they’re at the bottom of the food chain. They’re not exactly the brightest bulbs in the circuit board of life, and Darwin freakin’ nailed it when he called it “survival of the fittest”.
Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious!
… ’cause this one’s gonna BEE long! Some days I awaken with a complete loss of words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in it’s exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee in “the chair” and scrolling through social media, when a friend of mine posted this:
Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton …
“HOW I DATED, PLANNED, AND MARRIED MY WIFE”
DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …
ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …
MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not).
MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL:
A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!
♥️ ♥️ ♥️
Umm, I have no idea who this “Ernest” guy is, but as I was reading his words, Igot butterflies and the biggest smile. He was literally writing the story of us, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was Zack. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth. But then something else happened. Listen to a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …
A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.
Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.
Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.
I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?
Umm, REALLY? So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:
If you’ve heard anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke ass frog with big dreams. His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one bringing us home to that tiny apartment the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off every single item on that list, such that even in his untimely death, the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. That is what he wanted, and that is what he’ll have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what “things” he left behind, he was a king right from the start. Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind, and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …
… he unconditionally loved me, as did I love him, and that’s how we became king and queen. He was not a control freak, and we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only dowry he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was BROKE) was $32k in debt, an unemployable wife who had just had a nervous breakdownand two kids. Truth being told, our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER!My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thusthe exchange of power. We shared the yoke equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine.We built this kingdom together, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.
With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost”, because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.
They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well not only what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded, and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.
All of which leads me to this last but notleast “Fifth Agreement”. Of course, they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely.
So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!
Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known, so, shit indeed it is. Been there. Done that. It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed it truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON!Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, but it’s also none of my BEES-ness anyway.
… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …
Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds kinda twisted, right? Sounds kinda like a big fat LIE, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! I’mma Jean-Claude Van DAMN frigging Sun-stealing fool, my friends, ’cause …
I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places of my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.
For instance, THANK YOUfor this epic rant from two years ago this day that’s now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions I feel down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AMthe luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do and always will until I see him again with YOU!
Yes, THANK YOU! Thank you that he was ours, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”. Thank you for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all:
Yes, indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly. With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from Your favorite brat of all …
The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I’d heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’m certain that I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I’m alive. It’s one of “those memories” that are seared into the moving pictures in my mind, such that whenever I do think of it, I can literally “see, hear, feel, smell, and taste it”.
We were driving down I-30 on a bright blue and crisp November day. The sunroof was open, the radio was blaring, the view out the windows was ethereal, and there was a hot cup of cocoa from the truck stop we’d just stopped at between the palms of my hands.
We were at that juncture in our relationship that just found us at peace and immersed in all the colors that were becoming “us”. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t NEED to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without having to say a word. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail, he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT EACHOTHER! We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed, it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that Gia and I were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.
“… in a world of black an white, you are the only one in color”.
If you are reading this and struggling to find the colors in your life right now, I want to encourage you to please get out of your heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find that broken little kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless, my friends … YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE!
The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from the people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror one day and say:
OMG! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!
… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and venture through this world like the priceless work of art you truly are! Now then, what do you think comes next here? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song, work yourself some magic, AND SING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far, is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!
ONLY ONE IN COLOR
I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well, I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}
How many women can say they’ve had “this kind of love”, not once, but TWICE? I can say it, BECAUSE IT’S TRUE!Two KINGS on this Earth have loved me. Not one, but TWO! Unconditionally, under even the worst conditions, with every ugly scar, scab, wound and ghost. Yet, as blessed as I’ve been in now being able to say that, here’s the hardcore, sobering truth …
DEATH HAPPENS.
Let’s just face it people – IT DOES! But as I’ve said before, it really is “nothing at all“. No one, and I mean NO ONE, gets out of here alive. Even so, something truly magnificent happens when you find a way to not only make peace with it, but more so than that, to bask in the light of all that it was and everything it brought you and find the strength to let it go gracefully when it’s not meant to stay forever. The memories. The laughter. The joy. Everything that comes afteryou leave out all the rest is the beauty that rises in the aftermath of “death” and it’s all that really matters.
Now that I think about it, how many people can say they’ve had “this kind of love” from anyone, up to and including their own family? The ability to love without condition isn’t a given and doesn’t come naturally. Well, WAIT! Let me reframe that, as I do firmly believethat we were created to love unconditionally, but from the moment we draw our very first breath, our circumstances and environment are what take us by the hand and the lead us on our journey of “loving”. While the most fortunate of us who were raised in optimal conditions do tend to fare better in their propensity to love and be loved without boundaries, unfortunately, others of us who are born into unfavorable environments laden with generationally toxic relationship tools are doomed right from the womb. Not being able to love or be loved unconditionally is the gift that just keeps on giving.
If you’ve never had “this kind of love” even ONCE in your life, it is my greatest wish that before your journey is over you do. But remember to start with YOU! If you can’t love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never be able to recognize or receive it from anyone else. This beautiful song obviously speaks VOLUMES to my point, so when I listen to it, I sing it to myself! Sounds ridiculous, right? Well, it wasn’t until I was able to rise up and love ME the way I wanted to be loved that “this kind of love” finally found me! Just try it and see what happens!
UNCONDITIONALLY
Oh, no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what’s really on the inside? All your insecurities. All the dirty laundry. Never made me blink one time. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. Come just as you are to me. Don’t need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I’ll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm, I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you. Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now … let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally. So open up your heart and just let it begin. Acceptance is the key to be … truly free. Will you do the same for me?{Katy Perry}
Just a ‘lil PSA for your reading enjoyment, people! Are YOU letting parasites and leeches drink from your straws and feast on your life blood? Good grief, I truly hope not. As for me, I stopped handing out my straws so freely a few years ago. It wasn’t immediate, of course, but rather, quite the gradual and painful process. Setting boundaries was difficult for me, because I’m an empath, and despite what some choose to believe, I don’t take pleasure from either hurting people or seeing people hurt. Even so, the “Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! Here … take one my straws” days are gone and OVER! There was a time not too long ago that I didn’t even realize how valuable my straws were, so I’d hand them to just about anyone.
These days, I’ll only ever give what I will get back, because my time, effort, attention, and energy are some of the most precious commodities around. My straws are reserved for other kings and queens, and I don’t do toxic with anyone. I’m Jean-Claude Van DAMN kinda too good for it:
Hi everyone, it’s me, – CAT! I am THE nicest BITCH you’ll ever wanna know, but these drinking straws of mine are PRICELESS. So, if you really, REALLY want one of ’em, you best bring your A-Game for me, ’cause momma ain’t playin’ around no MO! I’m in this to WIN it, and lions don’t associate with sheep. Unless, of course, they’re having them for dinner! But hey, THAT’S a different story for another day!
Now then, please do enjoy this all too fitting drinking straw parasite serenade from perhaps my favorite “don’t you DARE take BULLSHIT from ANYONE” sponsors of all: The one … the only … the man, the myth, the legend … THE IVAN!
A year ago today, we took the very first bits of his ashes “home” to the gardens at Blarney Castle. When the memory of our trip popped up on Facebook, it prompted a sweet conversation with Christian. Although both the kids are doing much better than they were a year ago when everything was still so fresh and raw, he’s had a really tough time with Zack’s suicide. Not only were the two of them extremely close, but Christian had always said:
You two HAVE to stay together and happy forever … your relationship is the ONLY thing that restores my faith in love.
As you can imagine, August 23, 2019 jaded him even more than our life before Zack did. It was heartbreakingfor me to watch their processes at the onset of this nightmare knowing that their Superman let them down in such an unfathomable way. However, watching themiracle of transformation in each of their hearts and how they’ve both been able to forgive him for so much more than anyone will ever know is one of my greatest blessings.
Yes, I do have an uncanny way of taking the best parts of everything and everyone and leaving out all the rest. I suppose the abundant and seemingly endless amount of grace I have for others is one of my best attributes, and I truly do always look for the best in everyone. But here’s the thing …
It’s not me,
IT’S HIM!
He’s the one who has graced me with grace and forgiveness, and His grace and forgiveness for the endlessamounts of bullshitI’ve engaged in over the years is what I owe to others. Now, does that mean I’ll tolerate bad behavior towards me or mine? NOPE!Those days are gone for good! My boundaries are beyond firm at this point and there is absolutely no going backwards. This is how we choose to remember him … by taking only thepure joy and treasure he brought to all our lives in the years we “got” to have him.
I certainly hope there are as many admirable things about my character as there were about Zack’s that when my time comes, my legacy is as none the worse for the wear despitethe many wrongs that I’ve done as his is. Indeed, in his INSANITY the man really fucked some things up before he left us, but guess what people? As for me and mine, we are mindfully and willfully choosing to carry only the very best parts of his character with us moving forward and just leaving out all the rest.
LEAVE OUT ALL THE REST
I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen, ’cause no one else cared. After my dreaming, I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I’m done here? So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know … When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Don’t be afraid. I’ve taken my beating. I’ve shared what I’ve made. I’m strong on the surface, not all the way through. I’ve never been perfect, but neither have you. So, if you’re asking me, I want you to know …When my time comes, forget the wrong that I’ve done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don’t resent me, and when you’re feeling empty, keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest. Forgetting all the hurt inside you’ve learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can’t be who you are.{Linkin’ Park}
500. The number of days that have passed since Destiny took me by the hand and started leading me down a path I never saw coming. With that in mind, and in keeping with my “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years of life thus far, I have dubbed today as January 1st, “Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful”! Realizing, of course, that I am blessed beyond measure to find myself in a place that while on the surface seems dark and tragic, at its roots is nothing short of a miracle, wrapped in iridescence, and adorned with the most beautiful crown a queen could wear.
I once heard it said that fifty is the beginning of our golden years. As such, I find no coincidence with regard to the fact that as I’ve walked through the fog to the Brighter Side Of Grey, I’ve also managed to stumble upon The Golden Circle. Indeed I’ve come to bittersweet, endearing terms with “my why“, so from this point forward it’s just a matter of discovering “how” and “what”.
If I could have one wish right now, it would be that I really could just zap you all with “this thing” that’s coursing through my veins. It’s my superpower, my ultimate peace, and absolute euphoria! It’s the simple yet overwhelming joy in finally realizing that not everything is about me, because I am nothing, which is why I am everything. It’s my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT” paradigm shift!The cycle is broken.
It is not in my nature to ask for anything from anyone, especially inasmuch as I not only have every “thing” a woman could ever want, likewise I have everything a human being will ever need. Still, here I am asking. First and foremost, if there is ever an opportunity for you share something I’ve said or written that has touched you, will you please share it so that perhaps some of these pebbles I’m skipping across the pond can radiate even further? Second, sit with this beautiful song I love so much and really let it sink in. Let the words wash you clean, lift you up, and encourage you. Let them help you cry if you need to. Let them validate and give you the permission you may have been searching for to let go of some of your burdens and cut yourself some slack so that you too can discover “your why” and become an iridescent Light unto the masses. And last, but not least, make it a beautiful, powerful, and epically life-changing year my friends …
“Twenty-Twenty-ONE-Derful!”
IRIDESCENT
When you were standing in the wake of devastation. When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown. And with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying, “Save me now”, you were there, impossibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go. And in a burst of Light that blinded every angel, as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars. You felt the gravity of tempered grace falling into empty space. No one there to catch you in their arms. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation? You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known. Remember all the sadness and frustration – and let it go. Let it go! {Linkin’ Park}
Oh, wait! I am “that aunt or uncle”! I mean, I have no nieces or nephews. So, tag! I’m it! I’M THAT “ONE”! The game board flipper. The disloyal, disgruntled employee who dared to rip the Venom suit off and burn my entire life to the ground.
Holding fast to all these boundaries that now enthrall me never really gets easy, by the way, and if you, too, are “this person”, you know exactly what I’m saying. While I am certainly no mental health professional, what I have learned in my lifelong, hands-on study of the cyclical nature of “family”, it’s that more so than not, it’s the empath who is usually the black sheep of each bloodline. Likewise, I strongly believe that the sometimes arduous task of being the proverbial game-changer is at least an honor, if not at best a cosmic calling. I recently read an intriguing article in this regard by an actual doctor:
Have you been the black sheep? The weirdo? The one cast out, judged, misunderstood or ridiculed by your family? Maybe, just maybe, instead of them being here to teach you, you are here to teach them. Instead of your family, friends, work place, and society trying to get you to fit into their mold, is it possible you are really here to break the mold altogether? Being an empath is an honor, a pre-ordained sacred role. And it is the way forward. Instead of ambling through life doubting your exquisite brilliance, can you instead stride in full brightness believing…knowing…you are the prototype for the next phase of human evolution? Can you embrace the risk of being different? Can you accept, with humility and confidence, your mission – however small or large – to contribute a higher vibration to the collective?
I have a crown on my head, a sword in my hand, and crystal clear sights on the future I want for my children. If my work is done well and my legacy lives on the way I hope, neither my kids’ kids nor their kids’ kids will have to hear the tragic tales of the abuse, manipulation, emotional extortion, and endless human wastelands of mental health corrosion their “Crazy Grandma Cat” finally laid to rest. There’s an age old saying that goes something like this:
If you’re not sure who the black sheep of your family is, it’s probably you!
Author Unknown
I never had to wonder, because in my heart I’ve always known. IT WAS ME … and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hello my friends from Nashville, Tennessee, USA! We are still here enjoying our holiday in the crisp, clean, cool mountain air! This morning, as I was enjoying my coffee and preparing for our road trip to Pigeon Forge this afternoon, for some reason I was just thinking about how excited I am to see all the holiday lights and sparkle and twinkle that surely await us this night. Then, my thoughts turned back to ME once again, and my kids, and my extraordinarily beautiful diamond of a life. I’m just so thankful for so many things that even with “all my words”, I was kind of outta words.
Then, I turned my head and saw him sitting there on my sister’s shelf, because never shall there be a trip near or far that he won’t be going with us. Why is that, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you! It’s simply because after all is said and done, we owe so much of this “diamond life” to him … the fallen king who prepared this wide open path for us to move forward in whatever direction we choose.
Then, I smiled and remembered how much I love this song and how he used to laugh whenever I was singing it out loud and literally twirling through whatever space I occupied where he let me be whoever and whatever I wanted to be, hands down, no questions asked, unconditionally.
If you are reading this right now, I want you to know that you matter to me! I want to wish every single person who’s still alive and kicking the utmost of love, strength, courage, and perseverance today and always as we head into a brand new year! If you’re gonna make just ONE resolute plan for 2021, let it be this:
Just
Be
KIND!
And by the way, “being kind” includes being kind to YOURSELF! God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens. It’s our job, and our job aloneto find our crowns and get them up onto our own heads! No one, and I mean NO ONE, is coming to save you from anything. You have to do that on your own … and … YOU CAN! But not before first learning how to be kind TO YOURSELF. After that, EVERYTHING else will fall into place. I promise!
The person you needed the most will teach you that you don’t need NOBODY.
I stumbled upon this seemingly poignant quote today by an unknown author. While at first it seemed a bit like a victim’s martyrdom, the longer I sat with it, the more I agreed, only not for the “oh, poor me” reason I believe the author originally intended.
You see, after everything I’ve learned about myself during my process of rebirth and creation, I’ve come to the profound conclusion that the person I needed the most all these years was ME. So, now that I’ve finally shown up for myself with the proverbial white horse, sword, and armor, I sure don’t “need nobody” but me. Wait! I need God and I need me.
Unless and until one can master the art of being “alone, but not lonely” and develop a secure relationship with themselves, they will never truly know whether they’re in a relationship with someone else because they want them or they need them.
THERE’S A DIFFERENCE!
From this point on, anyone I choose to allow into my atmosphere will be there only if I believe they’ll punctuate my life in the same inspired way I punctuate others. My energy is precious, and because I’m mortal, it’s fleeting, so, I refuse to spend it flippantly.
No, I’m not lonely. What I am atthis juncture is just “alone” in my process of taking this relationship with myself to epic levels. Truth being told, few are the people who are even strong enough to venture with me into all the uncharted territories I’ve yet to go.
Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you.
Yes, you can be your very own angel and muse, and for the record, “Karma” isn’t always a bad thing. She works both ways, but that’s a different story for another day. As far as I’m concerned, this muse that I’ve become to myself and the pure magic that I wield may have been waiting to find me for many lifetimes. God, Himself, knows how hard I’ve worked to find it though, so, it’ll be an ice-cold day in HELL before I let it go.
We all drink to forget – some of us more than most. When reality gets too real and the fires of hell to close. But I’m here to let you know that that you can make it through, if you believe that someone is watchin’ over you. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. We all have our days when nothing goes as planned. Not a soul in the world seems to understand. And for someone to talk to, you’d give anything. Well go on and cry out loud – ’cause someone’s listenin’. Call it an angel. Call it a muse. Call it karma that you’ve got comin’ to you. What’s the difference? What’s in a name? What matters most is never ever losin’ faith. ‘Cause it’s gonna be alright … you’re not alone tonight. {Keith Urban}
James kisses Margaret before he comes to see us. James kisses Margaret before he does pretty much anything.
{The Daily James}
Dear God,
Knowing my heart the way You do, I’m sure You already knew how taken I was, once again, when I watched this video of one of my favorite “power couples” today. Oh, but the way Jamesliterally bowsto that Queen he loves so desperately, yet at the same time, no matter how high he places her above himself, he is only ever right beside her. As You and I both know, and as I finally got to learn in the most ethereal way, when a king loves a queen love so deep and so true that each of their hearts but serve the other, the balance of power is never a struggle and there is no “servitude” at all. If only all those silly girls who balk at the thought of “submitting” to their king knew what I know to be true. Ugh.
As we’ve discussed, You knowthat I trust You implicitly. You and he both made me a queen, and there is no coming back from where I’ve been. I will not and cannot settle for anything less than everything where a potential partner on this journey is concerned, and I’d rather reign “alone, but not lonely” if that’s what Your plan shall be. That being said, if, indeed, there is one last king on Earth that You have waiting for me somewhere, can I please just ask that he really be a king? Like You? Like Zack? Like King James the one true sovereign RULER of Queen Margaret’s heart?
It’s seems an impossible order, but look Who I am talking to. I’ve had two kings before, and three is the perfect number, so, I guess I’ll just wait and see. In the meantime, I will cherish these moments when two real love birds washes over me completely, capture my imagination, and remind me of not only what I’ve had, but who I’ve become. I was someone’s Margaret. I am still YOUR Margaret and your very favorite daughter. I’m a a true and risen queen who was born to serve a king, and going forward I shall fly below nothing less than the wingspan of a “James”.
Just a chill in a winter breeze, standing in the cold debris that left behind so many beautiful memories.
Like every word that has ever left Your lips, there are fingerprints everywhere to evidence the love that’s brought me “here”. I really do only want to be remembered for being that one who will always ever say, “I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly” to that one last king who may be waiting to fly me into the remainder of what’s left of my heart’s bounty.
James almost always positions his head right below Margaret.
Something still comes over me. Just a chill in a winter breeze. Standing in the cold debris left behind a memory. Every word that left your lips left behind your fingerprints. Every crime that love commits brings you right back here to this. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. I’ll never be one to yell surrender as long as you’re standing next to me. ‘Cause I’m gonna love you. I’m gonna love you endlessly. No escaping this embrace every time I see your face. Around the love I can’t erase. Wouldn’t want to anyway. I only want to be remembered for being the one who’d always say that I’m gonna love you … I’m gonna love you endlessly. {David Cook}
If you are reading this right now, have also been to HELL and back, but are still alive to to tell about it … TELL ABOUT IT! Don’t let your own “Survival Resume” have been in vain. You never know who’s listening and watching, or how far your ripples will reach into the future. Let your survival story be the reason someone else decides to fight and write their own!
… because nothing that is given from her head, heart or hands isn’t just that – given from her head, heart and hands. The funny thing about these “yummies” she made for a very lucky few of us is that they aren’t actually the gift. You’d have to be fortunate enough to get to bask in the glow of her halo to understand what I’m saying. Oh, and, in case I forgot to tell you again …
I AM THE LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE ON THE FACE OF THIS PLANET!
I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision – not mine. “Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”
I DID IT! I walked back in to the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over. I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives. And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:
Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?
Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him that never even tried to lead me:
Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!
So, with that, I will now remix the words to this all too fitting song in a manner that the KING who loved this formerly broken queen back to life would have said them, if, as I suspect, he was really was watching through his supernova telescope as I fought my way through one of the most powerful moments of my “lifetime” like the heavy-weight champion I’ve become:
I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you. Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna to see that the best is yet to come. Don’t don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love. Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well your first was born, then his a sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side. So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!
Listen up my parent friends, and listen up real good! We only get them for eighteen years. Actually, make that sixteen once they get their driver’s licenses. None of them ever signed up for this shit show … WE SIGNED UP FOR THEM .. so, they shouldn’t have to sacrifice a single fucking thing so WE can have the lives that we want. WE should make the sacrifices so that our KIDS can have the lives that they DESERVE! There is nothing that should ever come between us and them. Not a job! Not a dream! Not a hobby! Not an education!
NOT EVEN “THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE”!
Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to put YOU between them and YOUR children? THAT would be a deal-breaker, people, and that is NOT “the love of your life”!
Honey, I love you, but it’s me or them …
… to which your response should be …
“Well, then don’t let the door hit you in the ACTUAL fucking ASS!”
Does that mean that we aren’t entitled to have those things? The jobs, dreams, hobbies, educations, and the loves of our lives? OF COURSE NOT! But here’s the deal: KIDS FIRST! US LAST! Period. End of story! The years with them home will be over before we know it and then it’s OUR time to fly! The sky’s the limit, but not at the expense of the wings we clip, mangle, twist and BURN when we’re more worried about our wings than theirs.
“Failure To Fly”
Look, I’m no doctor, but I am willing to bet that more “failed flights” than not are due in part to selfish parents who failed to make their kids a priority. I’m sorry that I’m notsorry if that’s kinda hard to swallow, but the truth does hurt, does it not? Let’s not be stupid and squander the fleeting time we have with them at home. More than that, let’s not be “those parents” that the parents who do sacrifice to put their kids first talk badly about behind our backs. WORST OF ALL, let’s not be “those parents” whose KIDS will be talking about to their kids one day, telling them all the things we did or didn’t do, and how our selfish parenting landed them in therapy and medicated because we shattered their fragile hearts like glass!
Not to be sanctimonious, but there are certain crimes against humanity that are deserving of such flagrant disapproval and reproach. ASSHOLE PARENTS ARE ONE OF THEM! For the record, I too have been guilty of some not so stellar, very selfish parenting. I’m not EVEN gonna sit here and lie!But guess what? I grew up, WOKE UP, and took a sobering look at the wreckage I’d gifted to the undeserving kids I allowed to become casualties of both my war withinand my war abroad. After breaking apart for a not so hot minute or two, I looked into the mirror at the little girl who knew exactly how it felt to be at the losing end of an unavailable parent. My guilty conscience took care of the rest. I sat down with my both my kids at different times and stages appropriate to their age and understanding and had the hardest and most awkward conversations of my life:
Kids, I’m sorry, but mommy TOTALLY fucked you over! Let me tell you how …
At which point I owned it all, accounted for everything, APOLOGIZED, then vowed to start doing better! Never again will my kids be second to anything or anyone … NOT EVEN MY OWN DAMN SELF!
This song is probably one of the best “selfish parent serenades” of all times. If you’ve ever been guilty of misappropriating the precious gift of parenthood, it may just twist you up inside the same way it twisted me the first time I heard it. Should that be the case, do yourself a favor and change your parenting story immediately! Talk to your kids and fill their precious ears with only the most beautiful words. Validate their wounds. Accept them as they are.
But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart.
Is that the legacy you want to leave? Certainly not! But children grow up and become adults, many of whom end up spending so much time in therapy trying to fix the damage we caused that they have no choice but to keep us in “separate chambers of the heart”. They learn about boundaries and “loving from a distance” to protect themselves from us and break the cycle, and thus the bridge is burned.
For the record, no matter what seemingly unforgiveable parenting mistakes you’ve made or how old your children are, it’s never too late to own it, account for it, apologize, and start doing better! As long as you’re breathing and so are they, JUST FIX IT!
BURNING IN THE SKIES
I use the dead wood to make the fire rise. The blood of innocence burning in the skies. I filled my cup with the rising of the sea and poured it out in an ocean of debris. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. We held our breathe when the clouds began to form, but you were lost in the beating of the storm. But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. It’s in the blackened bones of bridges I have burned. The blame is mine alone for bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. {Linkin’ Park}
The Diary Of My Perfection 