Secrets Make Me Sick No Longer
I call them “my girls”. My daughter’s friends are my daughters, too. That’s how it’s always been in my house. She’s got a knack for picking amazing girls to surround herself … now, put it this way. She hasn’t always been so good at that, but she’s got a really good tribe now, and these are her tribe for the long haul. I’m thinking that the people that she has in her life right now are gonna be her people 40 years from now. I can tell! But anyway, I’ve digressed.
{“The Pain Is A Gift“}
Congratulations on the recent Oscar to “The Maestro”, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Not only does he call the Wales home (where as it turned out, my husband discovered the majority of his genetic roots), but he’s also one of the stars of of my favorite movies of all times. I’m not gonna tell you what it is just yet – because honestly, that’s a blog that I’ve still yet to process. Sufficed to say, I have left a cryptic hint for you in the picture atop this post. If you know, YOU KNOW!
You should know that I did not watch the Oscars this year. Never have. NEVER WILL. I have as much interest in the dressed up and bedazzled pomp and circumstance of “celebrating celebrities” as I do getting run over by a truck. Which is not to say I am not appreciative of the truly talented people who have brought true creative artistry into this world via screen and stage. Of course I’m a fan of “that”. But as far as the idolization of mortal human beings? Nope. Not so much. FACT: We all bleed red, nothing more, nothing less, and regardless of how many accolades any of us achieve in our respective lifetimes, we are all going to end as the mere dust from which we were formed – “trophies or no trophies”.
You see, I have long believed that it’s not “who we are”, but rather, “what we do” to make this world a better place than we found it, and trust me when I tell you, although there are obviously many celebrities “WHO” truly seem to be so much larger than life, many of them are living farces. Rather than using the massive platforms of their celebrity reach for the betterment of humanity, to the contrary, they squander if not abuse the responsibility that comes with that age-old adage:
To whom much is given, much is expected!
Then we have the humanitarians, some of whom happen to be celebrities. Anthony Hopkins is just that. Is he an amazing artist? Umm, DUH! Does he happen to co-star in one of my favorite movies? Umm, YAH! Is that why I am writing this entry in The Diary about him today? Umm, NOPE! Take heed of The Maestro’s most powerful words of a lifetime …
Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want change.
Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it’s a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.
When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn’t mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren’t ready to accompany you.
If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don’t do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you. That’s what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.
The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else. There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment. The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.
Maybe if you stop showing up, you won’t be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn’t mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it’s attachment. It’s wanting to give a chance to those who don’t deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.
The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence. When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don’t suit you and shouldn’t be around you, your energy is stolen. You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It’s not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It’s your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.
Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don’t waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve.
It’s as though I spoke these words myself. For the record, there is no song to accompany this post as is par for the course with my entries. His words are enough! If you hadn’t heard them before, I truly hope you will take them as deeply into your heart as they obviously came from his.
Yes, my friends … I too have been in this place many times in my life: “Tired eyes barely open”, and crippled by countless promises broken. I have seen my share of fallen empires, and cried out to God on my hands and knees:
Umm, HELLO? Are You there? I can’t hear You. I can’t feel You. No, wait! I CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL! I’ve lost my way YET again and don’t know what is real! WOULD YOU TALK TO ME PLEASE! Say anything. Anything whatsoever. Please just Light the way and show me where to go now, ‘CAUSE I’M DOWN WITH THE FALLEN AGAIN!
The answer I was searching for didn’t come easy to me because I WAS ONLY SEARCHING IN THE DARK! It wasn’t until I just let go and stopped looking for the answer that it came to me once and for all. Truth be told, turns out the answer had been there all the while, but I wasn’t seeing it because I wasn’t thinking like a blind man and was searching for it with my eyes, not my heart.
Listen, I know that none of this is easy. If you are alive, you are eons ahead in the game. Even if you’re only crawling – AT LEAST YOU’RE MOVING! Don’t give up. Keep looking for the Light, but don’t look for it with your eyes. Trust me – I KNOW THIS! You can only find the Light in the dark. Once you’ve learned to drive your spaceship through this Cosmos as blind as a bat in a box, not only will you find out that fear is only an illusion, but you were NEVER even driving it alone!
Perspective … it’s everything … and so are you my ghost rider friend! Now then … go look in the mirror, rise to your own reflection, and stop letting the all the bullshit people have dumped in your driveway keep you from manning your rocket ship like the badass cosmonaut you really are!
Tired eyes, barely open. Crippled by a promise broken. I have seen an empire falling. Hopeless, can You hear me calling? Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. Searching through the darkness below for a Light in seas of shadows far from You. But I could never abdicate. I’ll fight forever. Turn away from all that I know, burning this bridge behind me. Light the way and I’ll follow where You go. Can You tell me what is real? ‘Cause I’ve lost my way again. Can You tell me how to feel? ‘Cause I don’t feel anything now that I’m down here again. I’m down with the fallen again. I will not run. I will not fall. I will not bury it. This is war. {Starset}
Prince Phillip was, still is, and will always be one of my favorite human beings. I have read about and studied his life incessantly, and although I’m not actual “royalty”, I have long felt a kindred pull to his spirit.
Countless hearts are broken and grieving his death today, as were those my initial reactions. But, then I remembered who he was, what he accomplished, what a truly remarkable Phoenix he was, the many ways his life intersected mine, Zachariah’s, and my son’s, and the utmost regard I have always held him in through my personal perspective.
Was he perfect? NOPE! Not even close! WHO AMONGST US IS? Still, someone once asked me that age old question: “If you could talk to ANY public figure, who would it be?”. My answer was instantaneous: “There are only two: Ivan Moody and The Duke Of Edinburgh”. Now, that’s quite a broad spectrum, right?
Many people criticize, if not assault the monarchy’s autocratic rule, but I, for one, do not. They are, after all, mere mortal human beings like all of us, each with their own unique histories, backstories, and unknown personal human struggles. In my opinion, the Prince lived his entire life like a blackbird in a gilded cage doing a job that no one in their right mind would have ever signed up for.
“You have lived, and you have changed all our lives”. Well, maybe not all our lives, but you definitely changed mine. Your unwavering understanding of “the assignment” is a lesson that so many of us could stand to take. You will live on infinitely! Today, as always, I celebrate your life well-lived, so many jobs well done, the countless unknown and unsung jobs no one ever knew about, and all the ways your life touched mine. Here’s hoping you’ve finally made it to The Moon once and for all and that one day I’ll get to sit and chat with you about all the things I would have loved to have been able to chat with you about over a cup of tea on The Brighter Side Of Grey.
A friend posted this yesterday, and at first glance I LOVED IT, because in so many ways it’s true! Upon further consideration, however, this is where I landed …
Indeed there are those who “knew me a year ago” yet have no idea who I’ve become, but truth being told, there is a better than not chance it’s because I don’t WANT them to know me at all! Why is that you ask? I’ve either outgrown them, seen right through them, or GHOSTED them in my illustrious “growth dust” because they don’t DESERVE to know who I’ve become (with the exception of what they can read or hear online, which is usually either blatantly or cryptically about them. I have decluttered, detoxified, and “de-trashified” my very private bubble by 99.9% to less than couple of handfuls of people left who will ever “GET” to know me.
It’s terrible, I know it. But you see, queens don’t accept scraps, leftovers, and fake ass “less than” BULLSHIT from anyone. I’d rather be “alone but not lonely” here in my tower of hard-earned wisdom for the entire rest of my life on Earth then waste my fleeting, PRECIOUS life breath, energy and effort on anything less than EVERYTHING. To truly know me and my heart is to love me, and many have lost the high honor and privilege of access to my inner sanctum. They’re the “Umm, kinda really sucks to be you – SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA” flock of sheep I smugly laugh about and mock who will NEVER be allowed a re-introduction.
Sorry, NOT sorry, and I cannot say it enough! For those of you you who have been following my journey, here’s hoping you’ve learned to appreciate the “NICEST bitch you’ll ever know” I am, and more so than that, come to understand that it takes a hell of a lot of effort (OR a lack thereof) to end up on the cutting room floor of my life. I have fully forgiven every person who has forsaken me, but as gracious, empathetic and caring as I am – I’M NOBODY’S REVOLVING DOOR!
Here is something really REAL about me right now: Each night when I pray, I pray for every person, known or unknown, who hasn’t yet found their crown.
Dear God, please help those who haven’t yet discovered their true self-worth and value to finally open their eyes. I know You don’t make trash, but SO many of them think that’s what they are, so they don’t have the wings they need to fly the HELL away from people that don’t deserve them!
Yes, it’s true – I pray these words to Him every night. Whoever you are, wherever you are, and no matter when or how you arrived at this place where you don’t think you deserve the best of EVERYTHING, let me know share the “Real Cat” spin on the words to one of my favorite songs:
I’m NOT sorry for the demon I’ve become. You should be sorry for the angel you are not. I apologize for the cruel things that I did, but I don’t regret one single word I said. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away – please release YOURSELF from this hell. Just walk away, there’s just nothing left to feel. Forgive me if I ever told you that I cared. Are you now sorry that I NEVER shall be there? Please forgive me for laughing when you fall. I’m so sorry, but I clearly NEVER cared at all. Just walk away, make it easy on yourself. Just walk away, there’s just nothing that I feel. Just walk away, make it easy on us both. Just walk away, there was never any hope. Just walk away, you already know the deal! Just walk away and accept that ALL OF THIS is real. {Five Finger Death Punch}
And where do I begin with what I’m to say? I’ve played this conversation in my head so many times. I’m certainly not claiming to know everything, but what I do will save your life. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. No matter what it is you’re going through, even if you think you’re far beyond where hope can see. I know there is a hand that’s reaching out for you, because He did the same for me. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that love has found a way. It wasn’t that long ago when my own world fell apart, and everything inside of me said to let go. I found myself crying out to the One who knows my heart. (He knows your heart.) I’m holding tight to the few things that I know. I know, I know that God is able. I know, I know that He still reigns. I know, I know that Love has found a way. He’s made a way. {Mercy Me}
Let this be a reminder to let yourself feel all the cuts, bruises, and jagged edges from being “broken”. LET THEM BE A GIFT! More so than that, don’t let anyone, including yourself, make you feel bad for “feeling bad” or feel bad because someone may be feeling worse!
“Trauma comparing” is not only gross and unacceptable, but it perpetuates trauma itself. Guess what, people? IT’S NOT A CONTEST! “Broken” is subjective, and assuming that another person’s suffering is somehow worse than yours is not only assumptive, but one of the cruelest self-tortures of all. It belittles and invalidates you by saying “YOU” are not worthy of compassion!
How many times have you heard words like these, or worse yet, said them to yourself:
Others have it much worse than you.
Haven’t you heard what‘s happening in the world? Maybe you should change your perspective?
Just look at all the things you have – some people have much less.
Just be glad you’re okay – it could have been much worse.
Why do you feel so sorry for yourself – there are children starving in Africa.
Stop being so negative!
… and last but not least, maybe you, too, have heard THIS one before, which is one of my own dear mother’s favorite lines of all:
You’re SO lucky Catherine. Just look at all you have … beautiful children … a beautiful husband … a beautiful home with SO many beautiful things in it! And oh, yah, YOU are just so beautiful! Why don’t you stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start focusing on all that you DO have? God will punish you for not being grateful!
Not only did a lifetime of being chastised about my feelings or pain because “others had it worse than me” NOT take away my pain and suffering, it only perpetuated my inability speak up about my traumas to not just my own mother, but anyone at all, for fear that I’d be judged, guilted, shamed, labeled as UNGRATEFUL, or worse yet, “punished by God”.
“If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us,” said Bradshaw. “There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational.” Toxic shame is different to guilt. Guilt is when someone thinks: “I’ve done something shameful.” Toxic shame is when someone thinks: “I am shameful.” It is why some people might look to be successful to everyone… but they will never feel good about themselves. They will frequently develop mental health problems. Bradshaw’s major point was that virtually all mental illness is due to toxic shame.
(“Toxic Shame” by Tikvah Lake)
The bottom line is this: Believing that someone else’s trauma is somehow bigger or worse than yours is unfair to both you and that person, because while you are wondering how they survived their trauma, they might be wondering how you survived yours. It can also lead you down a self-sabotaging rabbit hole of “trauma shame”, guilt, and self-loathing. Worst yet, believing that what you’ve gone through isn’t as bad as what someone else has can hinder you from seeking the external help and support you need, thus keeping you locked inside a prison with what’s literally eating you alive.
Look, have there not been many people who were bitten tiny spiders and died? Likewise, have there not been many people who were bitten by 15 foot sharks and died? Yes! Yes, there have! Guess what, though? THEY’RE ALL STILL FUCKING DEAD! Comparing the size of the metaphorical bite someone has suffered with someone else’s is disrespectful, belittling, invalidating, and emotionally emasculating. We ALL suffer trauma in one way or the other throughout the course of our lifetimes, albeit some more than others. The end result, however, is always the same … PAIN, SUFFERING, and sometimes even DEATH! We ALL deserve to be supported, if not at minimum, ACKNOWLEDGED in our trauma recovery. It’s NOT a competition, so, STOP comparing bite marks, and STOP allowing others to compare them for you! Allow yourself the healthy space and time you need to heal your wounds, but don’t wallow in them for too long.
How long is too long? We all move about our cabins differently, because our realities are based upon our unique points of view, life experiences, core values instilled from childhood, and how we may be feeling at any given time. Everyone feels things differently! Nevertheless, the more someone tries convince themselves that it’s not okay to complain because “others have it worse”, the more all those feelings are going to weigh them down and eventually break their back.
Once you’re done grieving the death of who you were before your trauma happened, you have to let it go. You’re allowed to move on, overcome, thrive, and rise above! Believe me when I say that all that pain inside your mind is ready to be set free – not stored, ignored, weighing you down, and breaking you.
I saw a quote posted by a friend of mine on social media that speaks to this so well:
Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person doesn’t exist anymore … there’s a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.
One day you’ll awaken to find yourself in front of a mirror with a Light pouring through all those cracks and shining like a halo around YOU! When that day comes, it is my truest wish that you’ll fall to your knees and thank GOD for ever having been broken in the first place (no matter how much or how little)!
“Chin Up! Knuckles Out!”, friends! I may not personally know you, but you’re my people! Honestly? It’s only the “broken people” who I truly understand. Together, our shards are manifesting the most magnificent mosaic of all!
What if I told you it’s okay to be broken, scared, and confused, and those scars and bruises are your medals of honor? Not only do I speak to you from a place of “broken”, but from a place of truly loved. I happen to know The Guy who wrote the language of “broken” in the red letters that fill the cracks of my soul with the divinely punctuated Light that’s inside me every day. These days, when I hear this song, I pretend it’s HIM singing it to ME!
Why are we overcome with fear? What if I told you that fear isn’t real? Why are we overcome with death? What if I told you my friends your doubt you could live without? There is a question I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know. One more question … I know time is dear. Is what the world speaks of love really? The answers not of this world but very clear. Look above to find love and you found eternal life. Street corner preachers you’ve heard before friendly advice just gets thrown out the door. There is a question that I want to understand – Why can’t everyone tell the truth and learn to love again? Do you know what it feels like to be broken and used? Scared and confused? Yes, I know what it feels like to be broken and used, scared and confused. Yes, I know. Yes, I know. I’m broken! {Scott Stapp}
In November of 1996, I “got to learn” the very hard way what really lied beneath the surface of one of the most narcissistic, evil “men” I’d ever had the misfortune of crossing paths with …
Note that as I wrote “man”, I literally and not metaphorically laughed my fucking ass off! I’ve since been enlightened as to the true measure of a man, and “man” gives him way more credit than what his very SMALL affect truly is (and I do mean SMALL in every way). He’s a hoovering narcissist. Nothing more and nothing less.
Narcissists begin to “hoover” when they want or need something from you:
• Attention
• Validation
• Money
• SEX 🤮
The main reason they hoover, though, is because they’re internally empty and void of a soul and have a pathological fear of feeling insignificant, unlovable, alone or worthless. So, they’ll do any and everything they possible can to fill the gaping hole in their “heart” and sustain their false self-image. They’re fundamentally addicted to the attention of others. Without attention and control, they STARVE! When their reservoirs of narcissistic supply run out, they prey off the old “meat” they managed to catch in the past. They usually have MANY “backups” (other exes) to feed off when they’re hungry again. Like predators, they knows how to manipulate the weaknesses of those they’ve preyed on before. They’ll try to entice you through random texts, apologies, declarations of undying love, and “repentant” gestures to convince you of how much they’ve “changed” and “care” for you.
As par for the course over the past 20 years, John has never fully left my atmosphere since our near fateful departure. Not long after he and Angie leveled me to the point of almost no return, he showed up at my home to deliver a stack of Christmas presents and a little somethin’ else. Keep in mind that he was already engaged to Angie at the time, and although NOTHING happened between “us”, something indeed happened between “him and himself” right there on my bed! It was one of the most twisted things I’d ever witnessed in my life, and this is saying a lot. After having driven myself crazy and spent time in a couple of “facilities”, not to mention some of the other twisted things I’d seen courtesy of my own fucked up and TWISTED family, trust me when I say that I’VE WITNESSED SOME TWISTED SHIT!
At first, he gaslit it all back to my insanity, but a friend hooked my phone up to a recording device so I could at least try to bait the truth out of him in what he thought was a private conversation. Lol! The dumbfuck actually fell for it! I then took the recording to the used car dealership that Angie’s family owned and played it for her father and brother, who was one of John’s best friends. Needless to say, it didn’t end well for the small man and dear, sweet ‘lil Angie. I’d been vindicated! Believe me when I say that although this tale seems way too far fetched, the people who helped me bust “Hoovery McNarcissist” at what was almost his best mind fuck EVER are both still very much alive to tell about it.
Meanwhile, some years later, in the irony of all ironies, despite the fact that he had always chastised the “pompous affluence” in the small town where I lived, guess which “pompous and affluent” town John and his now ex-wife, Wendy, built a home in? That’s right, people … OURS! In fact, they built their home in the subdivision that abutted the one where my parents still live today, which also abutted the subdivision my ex-husband and I used to live. So, imagine my surprise years later when I walked a then baby Gia to the park across the street from my home, only to find John’s wife and daughter there, too. I’m not gonna lie, I have long since wondered whether there was really any irony there at all.
Very long and sordid tale short, they eventually began working out at the Lifetime Fitness Center that was our “gym home” (and is still mine), and we would see them there often. At a certain point, in being polite, formal introductions were made, and my husband (who’s physical presence over-powered him by at least a half a foot and a hundred pounds) had even shaken his hand once. Meanwhile, Zack knew all about “John and Angie”, so, every time he saw me politely, yet ever so awkwardly ensnared by John’s attempts at conversation, he literally wanted to slit his throat. Both Zack and Gia had always said he looked like an actual snake (and now that I think of it, he kinda does), and whenever Gia sees him, she physically shudders.
Creepier still, both Angie and that ex-wife of his I’d met at the park after Angie dumped him had become a members at that gym. They were all there all the fucking time! But in my mind, bygones were now bygones, I was happy in my new life with Zack, so, it just was what it was
In his defense, I must admit that I brought his last round of bullshit on myself. Not because I’m weak … BECAUSE I’M FORGIVING! He’d reached out to me not too long after Zack died, and I’d even agreed to meet him for dinner because I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe that somehow he’d changed. Also? I thought it would be a good idea to finally have some closure there and relieve myself of some residual bitterness that still existed where he was concerned.
Needless to say, the dinner didn’t end well, and perhaps someday I’ll tell you why. As for now, I’ll reveal how this drama finally played out by showing you! If you pay close enough attention to the dates and times, you’ll clearly see it! Texting; Double-texting; “Feigned concern”; fucking BARF:
Well, kind of! On Tuesday, February 16th, he texted me again. Then again. Then again.
Unaffected, unimpressed, and laughing my ass off again. Meanwhile, if you know this Diary, you know I have a song for almost every entry. Nope. Not this one. Music is my therapy … my happy place … MY EVERYTHING!
How very starved these two pathetic creatures posing as human beings must have been that my heart became meals for his very small affect and her insignificant, insecure, and insincere ego.
{“What Lied Beneath“}
So, in keeping with that train of thought, and instead of my usual “song”, I suppose all that really remains for “this thing” that was once in my life are these five final words:
So, Cat, how’d that whole “family dinner” project turn out?
This Cosmos and its Creator are so beyond good to me in every way, shape, and form, and I cannot say it enough. This was the last thing I needed to rectify within my formerly “broken heart” so that when it’s my time to touch The Brighter Side Of Grey, I will do so with my soul completely healed and whole. From this point forward, it’s just a very GREY “86,400 seconds a day” for as many spins around the Sun I get to make just shining my Light in all this DARK.
To anyone reading this who’s at odds with one of “your people” or even yourself, it’s never too late to start again! Indeed, it is true that forgiveness is for us, but the TRUEST power and grace are found in the forgiveness we extend to others.
While no one really knows what the end game really is, I’m pretty damn sure that FORGIVENESS is the answer to the greatest cosmic mystery of all:
You will never understand how much NONE OF US really deserves to be forgiven for any of the shit we manage to do until you’ve had to learn about it the way I have. I am here to tell you that forgiveness is EVERYTHING! Besides, as I’ve said before and will now say again, it’s not time that heals our wounds, its what we do with that time that heals our wounds. Learning how to forgive not just ourselves, but others as well for the crime of being human, is not only the most healing medicine of all, but also one of the purest forms of self-love and care.
Wherever you are on this globe right now, take a good look around at everything you see. IT COULD ALL BE GONE TOMORROW! Choose your battles well and spend those seconds wisely so that if you must leave tomorrow, you’ll leave in “PEACE” … not “PIECES“!
Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …
“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!
It’s okay to scream out loud that you’re way too good for assholes and their bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you, too, are a badass, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. Don’t let anyone lower you to their “surface level”. If they can’t or won’t rise to you, leave them at the bottom.
Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do, and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!
… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.
I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? THEN I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and wrote “Desperado“. THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton an actual ton of bricks:
What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really happening on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that indeed, it is true, that “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the only big picture we were ever meant to understand.
… and, with that, I am STILL the luckiest Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, STILL God’s favorite daughter, and STILL blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your not so hidden “hidden messages” are coming through louder and clearer with every step I’m allowed to take.
… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away for a “King Williamson style” staycay that once contained the $15 gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds!
Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasure yet again, making beauty from random things and extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!
My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist, she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as known, and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.
She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacy burning up through all of our ashes to their own phoenix way of life.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or read this Diary. I know that I’m a little too much of everything at times and that my open, raw, transparent, and a little too unfiltered vulnerability isn’t for the faint of heart. There’s an ass for every seat, so, if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good.
In the meantime, I really am trying to be a Light in all this “dark”, and every day I’m a work in my progress. I’m still not sure exactly where my journey is going to take me, and more so than that, whether there even IS a final destination. I’m just thinking that my journey is the destination, and was, therefore, never meant to be ended with a period … only ever a semi-colon … because my story is never going to be over! Even when I’m gone, if I’ve played my cards well, the pebbles I’ve dropped into the ocean that is my life will live through my children and any other lives my story touches.
This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a long time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “it’s all about forgiveness” stance, yet, not forgiving the HURT people who have hurt ME. This morning, I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is chance that he will neither read my words or accept them. But, I’ve said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.
Ironically, the first time I ever heard this beautiful song was way back in 1996 while I was volunteering with a local prison ministry, Reaching America’s Youth, trying desperately to reach the incarcerated youth of Texas with a message of faith, hope, grace, salvation, and FREEDOM. Truth being told, while it was, indeed, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, it was, too, one of the most helpless feeling experiences of my life. But you see, little did I really understand back then, just because a human being is “physically” free to roam about this world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re TRULY “free”. I, myself, have been incarcerated by prison bars of my own making for far too many years to count. Tonight? I broke through yet another one of those bars, if not one of the most important.
The Sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}
I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“.
I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.
Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him understand how things in this family work so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.
That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough, and he can’t keep up with all your “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!
I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing leftof this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP! Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.
For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.
Thirty-three years ago, I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities, we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win, lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”
So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, then surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.
Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!
The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over!
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won’t snow, and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the nighttime from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late. {The Eagles}
Some say forgiveness is for alone, and I agree, with the exception of this one little caveat as far as the full extent of grace I’m capable of extending to the TRULY evil “Devil’s Own” that walk among us. Yes, I have forgiven my husband’s “mother“, and his “brothers and sisters“, and even that pit viper who in her 100% stable, not mentally ill mind, set out to decimate not only my life, but my children’s.
I made the mistake of sharing some things I’d been through with her, including my battle with mental illness. Trust me when I say she knew exactly what she was doing and why her threats would work. In PURE EVIL style, she used my once paralyzing fear of what people would think of me as the power in her “I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU’RE NUTS” game of chicken.
Lol! Can you even imagine the extra special kind of “human” woman it would take to not only weaponize someone’s mental health against them, but worse yet, use the power of her pussy to encourage a father to weaponize his own daughter against her mother? You see, at that point Zack and I were barely on our feet and foolishly believed that with my extensive mental health history and lack of resources to fight back, if they did take me to court, not only would we definitely be “bled dry” (as my ex used to say), but we’d risk losing Gia as well.
If only I’d known then what I know now. After everything was said and done, a court battle probably would have turned out in our favor. Was I a perfect mom? NOPE! Did I battle mental illness? YUP! Was I the “danger to society and children” she literally called all the other moms to tell them? NOPE! Meanwhile, it takes a SPECIAL kind of evil to just wake up one day and say, “Let me destroy her for sport because she gave me all her cards and I can!”
Perhaps the worst part of what she did was how she even managed to turn Gia’s father against her amid one of her darkest storms. She had him convinced that Gia wasn’t really being bullied, shunned and ostracized at school, but that she, too, was just making things up as she went along. As a result, her dad believed that she, “like me”, was a lying, manipulating, story-teller who was jealous of his new girlfriend and her daughter. He refused to protect her. He refused to believe her. He refused to validate the sobering truths of what was happening to her at that school, which to this day is a deep source of trauma to her. She has forgiven her dad for the many ways he chose to stand in the corner of “Scamgela” and her daughter instead of hers, but trust me, she has never forgotten. Nor will she!
It depends on where you are in your journey, whether or not you’ve fortified your mental wealth, and to whom you’re disclosing your illness. After my clinical diagnoses and still in the early stage of my process, I made the grave mistake of sharing it with my ex’s girlfriend. Not only was she a nursing student at the time, but she claimed to have had a background in clinical psychology, as well, so, I really thought I could trust her. “First do no harm”, right, Nurse Angela! Right? Well, just as sure as you’ve heard it said that “the devil will often appear disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted or needed”, she befriended me from out of the blue at a time when I was both mentally and physically down and in need of a friend. On the surface, she was kind and thoughtful, quickly availed herself to my process, and was eager to lend an ear and “support”. What I didn’t realize, however, is that what she was REALLY doing was collecting information to use against me at a later time, which, in fact, SHE DID!
Quite early in their relationship (which, for the record, I set up), things began spiraling between her and my ex. My kids couldn’t stand her (and STILL can’t to this day), as it was beginning to appear that there were ulterior motives behind her intentions. Within two weeks of dating, she all but moved her things into their home, and her vapid “indiscretions” within earshot of my son and his girlfriend (who were living at my ex’s at the time) didn’t help her case at all. Lol! “That” was five years ago, but her “loudly moaning and screaming” as they would say, and the headboard banging against the wall are STILL fodder at many of our family dinners. Long, sordid, and disgusting story short: Once things stopped going the way she’d hoped, she used the weaknesses and vulnerabilities I’d shared with her to bludgeon me. She began threatening to tell everyone at our very small private school about my “institutionalized nervous breakdown”, and that I was a “Girl Interrupted borderline”. She’d convinced herself that I was the one responsible for turning my kids against her, as well as many of the moms at our school, and assured me in no uncertain terms that “if I didn’t stop causing her problems”, SHE WAS GONNA TELL! She’d even threatened to contact the Texas Real Estate Commission and my brokerage and attempt to have my real estate license stripped from me.
Fast forward to that day on the school playground where a group of fourth grade girls (who this hooker’s daughter incited to shun and socially ostracize my daughter) surrounded my already fragile baby girl in a circle and asked her: “Is it true that your mom is a sociopath, was in a mental hospital, and dangerous to be around?” Yes, this is a verifiable reality! That pretty little pit viper and PIG had, indeed, called all the moms and spilled my beans. For the record, that day on the playground was the catalyst for my daughter’s suicidality, which in an extreme turn was one of the lynch pins in my husband’s ACTUAL suicide.
So, with that, I say to you this: Be careful who you share your illness with unless and until you are prepared for the potential backlash. Find a support system you can “trust with your life”! YOU NEED TO HAVE “SAFE PEOPLE” YOU CAN LEAN ON! You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make your mental health recovery journey alone, but remember that there ARE people out there who prey on other people’s weaknesses in order to make themselves “God”. I call them “the Devil’s Own”!
Thank you all for listening, and for the record: “Hi everyone! It’s me, The REAL Cat Williamson! Yes, I am a recovering Borderline! Yes, I’ve had a nervous breakdown! No, I’m not ashamed of it! Yes, I’m a BADASS! Nope, I don’t care “who knows”! It took me a very long time, a lot of hard work, and a handful of unconditionally loving “safe people” for me to get here. I will pray for any of YOU who are still searching for the other side of your storm.
{“Should You Disclose Your Mental Illness To Others?“}
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
{MATTHEW 6:14}
There will be times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self and of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
{TIMOTHY 3:1-5}
I really can forgive anyone for just about anything, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case-by-case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed “thing” altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.
{THE REAL CAT WILLIAMSON 3:9:21}
Wipe that smile off your face you immaculate disgrace, ’cause Heaven knows a prayer won’t save you now. You wear the halo of a saint to hide the venom of a snake, built your kingdom on a lie, so watch it all come crashing down! Now! You prophet of hate. You profit from faith. Truth-less, two-faced, two bit fuckin’ hypocrite, how does it feel? How does it feel? The day has come to pay for what you’ve done. Sinner revealed. Tell me how does it feel? So pure within your soul. Pure evil if your blackened heart believes in the righteous words you speak. You know Heaven will send hell for you and bring you to your knees … pray as your throne burns slowly. Now how does it feel? {Like A Storm}
Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.
As par for the course, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to “do my thing” with them every year. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened:
Hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.
Oh, good! There’s seventeen, right?
Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?
Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.
My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet another hidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.
Indeed, it’s true … a tortilla really DID make me cry today, but Batman TOTALLY saved the day! Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican abuela turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Someday, if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …
You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”
Mine is TWO! Only two men have ever really seen me naked, King One and King Two, and “only two” it may be forever. That being said, I am totally on board with “alone, not lonely” for the entirety of my journey if that’s what’s meant to be.
I mean, hello? Have you MET me? I’m the happiest person I know and I’m my very best friend, and “me and me” have a TON of Light to shine and punctuating to do amid the masses. We’re doing just fine on our own!
I’ve long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM.
Only time will tell if there is to be one last king who gets to see me naked, read the very private pages of this book, and speak to me in the language of my soul …
Lastly, and on a side note, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it is my truest prayer that everyone reading this either has already or will someday soon attract a “Naked Partner” who speaks the love language of your heart so that you don’t have to spend what is often an entirely fruitless lifetime trying to interpret, decode, translate, and explain the language of your soul.
(“Say The Words“)
… because he’ll know how to read the most encryption within my heart before we ever speak a word. The the only thing that can survive fire is fire, just as the only one who belongs with a queen is a king … but DAMN, he’ll be one lucky man! Trust me when I tell you, I really am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. That’s what he’ll have to be, too.
I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}
THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room!
The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are, indeed, BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew I was priceless, valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world every single day. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that he made me a queen and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life, “all the flowers” are just one of the many reasons why!
Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but who he was and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies … it just slips into another room. So, with that, why not go and get YOURSELF some flowers today, because you are worthy, too!
… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, how I earned the endearing title of Miss Red Hook 1922, and why FOG is my other favorite color.
The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, looming, or haunting. Within it’s mist, I feel a cosmic hug from every moment and creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, ethereal, and POWERFUL, like The One Who ever charged me to solve the great mystery in the first place:
WHY? Why do we suffer? Why is there pain? Why is there heartache and death?
Indeed, I’ve discovered the answer to that question, and here it is, my friends:
Amidst all the fog is the Nirvana I’ve achieved as I’m free-falling off this cliff with truly blind faith that everything’s gonna be okay, not having to worry about all the details, and believing with EVERY fiber of my mortal being that The Cosmos WILL catch me in the end. It’s “nothing”, and “everything”, and “ALL OF IT” at once, like the oxymoronic carnival of joy that is my INSANELY BEAUTIFUL LIFE!
My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, you will before your journey here is over. When that day comes, you will never be falling down again … you’ll only be falling UP … and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing you these words:
I wept as I saw you aching, broke as I watched you falling, and suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, but I never left your side, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything and all of it“, you’re standing at My high cathedral walls where nothing about your journey has been meaningless or small. I love you, Child. You are warm, well fed, and at peace Here.
Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So, when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause we fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}
I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this quote in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …
Yes, I know – we’re ALL fucking busy. We ALL have issues and feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it, I do! I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if, damnit! Make the damn call or send the text:
Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!
Trust me when I say that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love. Also? It’s the right thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still too busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave!
Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?
There you have it, folks! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find for “your people” is gone, you’re not gonna get it back!
If you’re a natural born taker, and not so much a giver, I get it, and can even appreciate it. There really is a place for both sides of the giver/taker coin, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would anyone what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like, too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core truth. But here’s another even harder core truth …
One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying,
Wait! Where are all my people … and for God’s sake, WHO ARE ALL MY PEOPLE?
This is usually right about the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else … even when your own cards were down, and going, “Wow! What the fuck? REALLY?“
Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.
And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone you’re theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later, we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort, and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day, I’m killing off living people left and right.
Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … it’s not me …
… at my left wing is The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit … at my right wing is the gang of REAL angels that fly behind me 24/7 everywhere I go. Yes, I am sure that many people think I’m CRAZY for believing what I believe, but here’s the deal, folks — I DON’T CARE! I know what I know, I think what I think, and feel what I feel regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. The fact that I’m still standing tall in this sublimely beautiful kingdom of mine like the divinely appointed QUEEN” that I am is living proof of my superhuman power and grace:
I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.
I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}
I am me. I’m my own best friend, and the one person in my life who I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my very last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.
I’m the Queen Of The World who has crossed on over to the upside of just about everything, yet I’m the most wretched in all the land. Love me or hate me, I – DON’T – CARE, ’cause at least I know EXACTLY “who I am”, WHERE I’ve come from, WHERE I’m going, and have owned and accounted for ALL of my own bullshit, darkness, and truths!
I have the world’s biggest, SMALLEST ego and the confidence of a lion, yet I’m humbled by the power of my absolute insignificance. I am big. I am small. I’m a pebble skipped across the ocean. I’m a divinely appointed apostrophe that punctuates the world with Light who is valueless and valued just the same … and … I’m God’s ACTUAL favorite daughter … and I’M MAGIC!
Rise from your OWN ashes, my friends! Hey, look! Isn’t that “kinda” where diamonds come from? Even the most beautiful diamond is nothing but dirty, disgusting, filthy black carbon DUST forged in the fires burning at the heart, soul, and core of this Earth! Just sayin’!
It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes.
{Steven Curtis Chapman}
Tonight I watched an episode of “This Is Us” that took me to the ground again, then way back up again, within a very short emotional roller course of less than sixty minutes. Not only was it one of our favorite shows to, but like so many others who watch this series, we were both connected to several of it’s characters. This scene, though? It gut punched me in every worst and worst way possible, but really had me at …
They don’t wanna hang out with us anymore. It’s moving really fast. … We only have a few more years together under the same roof … a few more years where we get to be a part of their daily lives. And then what? They’re gonna move out.
And therein lied a problem far too complicated to explain, but sufficed to say that the mere thought of losing Gia permanently is what really started pushing him over the edge:
As you may know, long before August 22, 2019 when Zack turned our world upside down with the most egregious exit possible, Gia had been on a downward descent of her own for several years. Someday I will revisit in greater detail that sobering night in November 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone after she’d gone to sleep, Zack walked into our room with a look of doom, dread, fear and panic on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she had searched “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I think I want to kill myself”. Our world came to a frozen halt.
{“Fight On Fighter“}
Zack had always said he didn’t think he could survive losing either of us after having been literally abandoned by his “mother”, then theoretically abandoned by virtually everyone else he’d ever loved. Sadly, I now realize that he really meant what he was saying during those cryptic conversations:
Catherine, I only have five years left with her and then she’ll be going to college. It seems like a lifetime when she’s only gone for two days, so what’s going to happen when she’s gone for months at a time? And then when she’s gone for good? Just thinking about it makes me sick and I don’t know how I’ll survive it!
{“King Of The Supermen“}
But now let’s back up to yet another tender moment we’d shared together as a family just a few years earlier, and how this song from that moment circles back to this Diary entry.
The movie was “Trolls”, which was one of his favorites, and it was the water-color hanging on the cabin wall that set the whole tone for the “This Is Us” scene that immediately brought me back to the day we saw Trolls. If you’ve ever seen it, you know that it ends with this song, and like many other families who’ve watched it together, the three of us just sat there hand in hand and sobbing as it played. All I could think of was my seemingly impermeable “tower of strength” husband being reduced to rivers of tears at a children’s movie. I saw his true colors shining through, but he’s the one who helped me find mine … and “that’s why I loved him”. After all was said and done, it was the many true colors of our love that defined the story of “us”.
You with the sad eyes – don’t be discouraged. Oh, I realize it’s hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small. Show me a smile, then don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful. I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors are beautiful – like a rainbow! Oh! I can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up, ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful – like a rainbow. {Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick}
… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve INVENTED heard in a long damn time! Just sayin’!
Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}
Indeed it’s true that the “I got my heart broken, and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal, and very real for many. But here’s what I’ve been screamin’, so, listen up real good …
If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of true love all the while and even though some of the most forgettable ones almost destroyed me, I would never have met the two loves of my life, may they both be resting in peace.
I have loved and been truly loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime, not just one. How many women can say that? While sadly, Fate called them both Home ahead of me, the love they gave was enough to last the rest of my lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nevertheless, it remains …
The people who have hurt you are but FODDER beneath your feet fortifying you for greener pastures to come. (YES, there can be greener pastures beyond baron fields of SHIT, but not until you’re prepared to turn up the dirt).
You will never be able to recognize or appreciate a real king or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of assholes! So, just keep on stepping over all that fodder as you head towards greener pastures in the Light! Take it from me … the grass really is better on this side of the fence and can keep on feeding you LONG after the loved ones who helped you sow it are but dust now reaped into your soil.
For the record, YES, I still listen to Corey Hart all the time and LOVE this beautiful song. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen.
Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can? {Corey Hart}
… that moment she walks in the kitchen and says,
Awe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you really ARE gonna have one day!
… then you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because Jean-Claude Van DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracious human being you’ve EVER met.
If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the entire history of this world.
You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?
Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queen away, yet, for some reason still linger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!
If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’t let them pull that shit again!
Look, I’m all about forgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!
Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I know God hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.
Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!
At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissism and having found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!
So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!
A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}
The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven“. That poor bastard. I’m fairly certain that even he had to seek therapy after dealing with me all those months. Lol. Can you imagine being one of those people who put a counselor in counseling?
Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoronical, walking, talking contradiction style, via everything you’ve ever been, said, or done, you’re both an actual AND a metaphorical freak of the world “INFJ“!
When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all“, I literally became nauseous and had a meltdown. Also? I WAS PISSED! Where the hell did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything was wrong with them”, that this, too, was “wrong with them”. Umm, no thanks, Doc. I think I’ll pass!
It all seemed so dark and twisted that I couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass with many of the other spot on things he’d tried to tell me about myself. But hey, that’s a different story for another day.
The second time I took it was at my ‘lil trip to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”. Again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and last time I took it while still at The Meadows, because after taking it the second time, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT again!
What the HELL is wrong with these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me? I don’t WANT to be a freak of nature! I don’t WANT to be “the odd one”!
So, I asked if I could take it one more time. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! The third time actually was the charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …
Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat. I’m a Warrior, Motivator, SURVIVOR, AND I’ve overcome one of THE most stigmatic mental illnesses, AND a TESTED AND VERIFIED FREAK! I really AM “kinda like a storm“!
Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFJ. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.
Are there some dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know. YUP! I do have very high expectations … and I’m stubborn … and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, now I spin it this way:
Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because, yes, I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have ya met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to “get” to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!
Yes, I AM one of God’s own high powered prototypes, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re my favorite tattoos of all … cryptic, elusive, and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, and only the BEST of the BEST people this life has to offer me will ever get to!
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my freaked up personality, he always said it made me unique and special:
You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!
He knew I was “this” before we got married, yet made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!)
Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world!
{Puddle Of Mudd}
… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …
NOPE! I don’t think so! This time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!
… then got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most (yet also abused, tortured, and manipulated him the most) when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been such a long time coming! Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.
And, with that, today is the day my son begins his escape from prison. Granted, his liberation will likely be a long and rocky road in the process, as is the case with anyone who’s ever had to perform the delicate surgery of excising a malignancy from their own family. PLEASE, God, will you give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken cycle as possible – JUST LIKE I DID – and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally choking the life out of him once and for all. Even so, I’ll continue to pray that all these promises broken deep below don’t ever get permanently lost in the echo.
You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So, you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}
This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and it’s actually one of my favorite pictures of her. As per the Nikita Gill quote above, yes, she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but not many people do or ever will. She’s her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really know me. My kids and I have all had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even family are concerned, it truly is quality over quantity”.
You can see the little fighter behind her eyes. If only you really knew the trauma and heartache this kid has been through, yet has somehow managed to rise above with the power, grace and courage, of a living queen.
Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.
{Nikita Gill}
Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a somewhat of an oxymoron. In many ways, we are polar opposites, while others she’s my doppelgänger. She’s one of my only heroes.
I would most likely be dead right now be it not for her. All it took was a singular moment at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over three years old, when I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate but not really eating it because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day everything I’d ever known to be real in my farce of fairy tale life came to a screeching halt as my heart literally shattered in the most powerful and poignant way and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of a darkness I couldn’t even conceptualize and into this “divine punctuation“. It was she who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my few muses and “whys“.
If it is true, as the father of the Mona Lisa once said, that “wisdom is the daughter of experience”, then surely my daughter is the living embodiment of all the wisdom my own experiences have earned me. Yes, I believe with every single shred of my being that I truly am God’s favorite daughter, but even more so is she His most favorite daughter of all and the water that flows from our cup.
With that, and since music is such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is a song for just about every chapter in this Diary. There are certain songs, however, that have been so powerful to me that they’ve shown up here more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. It says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way, just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many miracles as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? She blesses me beyond words, and truth being told, if I ever decide to grow up, I hope I can be just like her!
Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So, make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. It’s you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}
So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she was sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:
What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS?
The lights started going CRAZY! So, she asked a series of very specific questions, starting with this one:
Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.
“The Ghost” Of Williamson Manor answered every time, right on cue. Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out. As I was looking in the mirror I said:
Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?
… at which point the lights flickered THREE times: “I – LOVE – YOU!!” It was our “three squeeze thing”. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either of us what anyone thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home, IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION! At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find no mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it! So, what do “BOO” think about this, err, “ghostly” situation?
Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}
May the power and grace of your strong and determined heart continue to be with you always! It’s really kinda hard standing all alone in the crowd. Oh wait! NO IT’S NOT! Perhaps one of my crowning achievements is knowing that I’m different and embracing it!
Herd mentality, mob mentality or pack mentality describes how people can be influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors on a largely emotional, rather than rational, basis. When individuals are affected by mob mentality, they may make different decisions than they would have individually.
(“The “Herd Mentality” via Wikipedia)
Didja catch that, people? On a “rather than rational basis”! It takes strength, courage, and intelligence to run against or apart from a herd of weak pack animals that are wholly unable to think for themselves and live outside their own ignorance, oblivion, and conformity. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Not only are sheep cute, fluffy, super sweet, and valuable, there’s a reason they’re at the bottom of the food chain. They’re not exactly the brightest bulbs in the circuit board of life, and Darwin freakin’ nailed it when he called it “survival of the fittest”.
Now, get back up to the top of that mountain where you belong, ALONE BUT NOT LONELY IF YOU MUST! Let your mane flow in the breeze, keep your claws ever sharpened and out, and always be ready to swat away all those annoying fucking sheep if they try to slow your roll. Look down at your kingdom, breathe it in, then breathe it out, and laugh to yourself quietly as all the flies land on your SHIT and actually think it tastes good!
Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious!
{Skillet}
… ’cause this one’s gonna BEE long! Some days I awaken with a complete loss of words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in it’s exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee in “the chair” and scrolling through social media, when a friend of mine posted this:
Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton …
“HOW I DATED, PLANNED, AND MARRIED MY WIFE”
DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …
ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …
MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not).
MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL:
A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!
♥️ ♥️ ♥️
Umm, I have no idea who this “Ernest” guy is, but as I was reading his words, I got butterflies and the biggest smile. He was literally writing the story of us, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was Zack. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth. But then something else happened. Listen to a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …
A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.
Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.
Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.
I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?
Umm, REALLY? So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:
If you’ve heard anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke ass frog with big dreams. His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one bringing us home to that tiny apartment the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off every single item on that list, such that even in his untimely death, the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. That is what he wanted, and that is what he’ll have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what “things” he left behind, he was a king right from the start. Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind, and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …
… he unconditionally loved me, as did I love him, and that’s how we became king and queen. He was not a control freak, and we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only dowry he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was BROKE) was $32k in debt, an unemployable wife who had just had a nervous breakdown and two kids. Truth being told, our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER! My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thus the exchange of power. We shared the yoke equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine. We built this kingdom together, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.
With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost”, because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.
They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well not only what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded, and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.
All of which leads me to this last but not least “Fifth Agreement”. Of course, they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely.
So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!
Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known, so, shit indeed it is. Been there. Done that. It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed it truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON! Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, but it’s also none of my BEES-ness anyway.
Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds kinda twisted, right? Sounds kinda like a big fat LIE, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! I’mma Jean-Claude Van DAMN frigging Sun-stealing fool, my friends, ’cause …
I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places of my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.
For instance, THANK YOU for this epic rant from two years ago this day that’s now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions I feel down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AM the luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do and always will until I see him again with YOU!
Yes, THANK YOU! Thank you that he was ours, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”. Thank you for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all:
Yes, indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly. With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from Your favorite brat of all …
The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and although I’d heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my heart. I’m certain that I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I’m alive. It’s one of “those memories” that are seared into the moving pictures in my mind, such that whenever I do think of it, I can literally “see, hear, feel, smell, and taste it”.
We were driving down I-30 on a bright blue and crisp November day. The sunroof was open, the radio was blaring, the view out the windows was ethereal, and there was a hot cup of cocoa from the truck stop we’d just stopped at between the palms of my hands.
We were at that juncture in our relationship that just found us at peace and immersed in all the colors that were becoming “us”. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t NEED to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without having to say a word. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail, he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT EACHOTHER! We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed, it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that Gia and I were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.
What I love most about this song, though, is how powerfully it now speaks to the abundant growth I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to make peace with the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in the multitude of beautiful colors that I saw reflected in the mirror of his eyes.
If you are reading this and struggling to find the colors in your life right now, I want to encourage you to please get out of your heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find that broken little kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless, my friends … YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE!
The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from the people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror one day and say:
OMG! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!
… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and venture through this world like the priceless work of art you truly are! Now then, what do you think comes next here? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song, work yourself some magic, AND SING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far, is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!
I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well, I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}
The Diary Of My Perfection 