The first time Williamson and I ever heard this song was on a road trip to Hot Springs, Arkansas, and though I’d heard it before, it wasn’t until hearing it with him that it really took root in my soul. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I’m alive. It’s seared into the moving pictures in my mind, such that whenever I do think of it, I can literally “see, hear, feel, smell, and taste it”.

We were driving down I-30 on a crisp, blue November day. The sunroof was open, the radio was blaring, the view out the windows was ethereal, and there was a hot cup of cocoa from the truck stop we’d just left in the palms of my hands.

We were at that juncture in our relationship that just found us at peace and immersed in all the colors that were becoming “us”. We didn’t have much to say, and didn’t NEED to say much, because our truly connected souls said everything without having to say a word. So, when this song cued up and the lyrics began to avail, he quickly grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight. He looked at me. I looked at him. IT WAS THE PERFECT TRIBUTE TO THE WAY WE FELT ABOUT EACHOTHER! We ended up playing it over and over on that trip, and in the decade that followed, it became one of our favorite songs. He had always said that Gia and I were the only “color” his lonely heart had ever known, and sadly, that was true.

What I love most about this song, though, is how powerfully it now speaks to the abundant growth I achieved in the years I was lucky enough to be in his halo. Not only was I able to make peace with the demons living inside the haunted place that was once my broken mind and become an actual living queen, I was also able to find my missing reflection in a mirror and see the formerly “black and white me” in the multitude of beautiful colors that I saw reflected in the mirror of his eyes.

If you are reading this and struggling to find the colors in your life right now, I want to encourage you to please get out of your heavy heart and haunted head immediately. Find the closest mirror, take a good, hard look inside, and find that broken little kid hiding behind it who needs to YOU to pull them out of the dark and into the Light. You weren’t created to be colorless, my friends … YOU WERE CREATED TO BE A MASTERPIECE!

The last time I checked, God doesn’t make mistakes, so you have to give yourself permission to walk away from the people or situations that have made you feel invisible – UP TO AND INCLUDING YOURSELF – so you can stand in front of a mirror one day and say:

OMG! I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

… at which point you slip a crown or tiara on your head and venture through this world like the priceless work of art you truly are! Now then, what do you think comes next here? That’s right folks, I’m gonna need you to listen to this song, work yourself some magic, AND SING IT TO YOURSELF OUT LOUD! Perhaps one of the best wisdoms I’ve learned on my journey thus far, is that “love songs” aren’t just for lovers. YOU should be the “only one in color” greatest love story of your life!

ONLY ONE IN COLOR

I’ve been searching all my life. I used to be so color blind. You opened up my eyes. Do you wanna share your dreams? See a different side of me? You’re everything I need. I like it when you think out loud – the things you say when you know there is no one else around. Well, I can dig my own graves now, but will you smile every time I try to crawl my way out? There is no one like you! I live in a world of black and white and you are the only one in color. There is no one like you. Into a mystery I slide – I want you to keep it all uncovered. You are the only one in color! You know how to set that mood. You can light up any room just by the way you move. The only one who understands. What I’ve given you you’ve given back. Come on and take my hand. You turned an old world upside down. A wave of calm when I was so tightly wound and so full of doubt. I’ll never tell you that two’s a crowd. I know I can’t get through without ever needing you around. {Trapt}

I just walked back into Lifetime and reinstated my membership! Didn’t crumble. Didn’t cry. Didn’t fall apart. It just felt like I was home. It’s totally supposed to be this way. This is such a giant leap. And it was Gia’s final decision – not mine. “Mom, dad wouldn’t want us working out anywhere else. It would wreck him. Besides, queens don’t work out at 24-hour fitness!”

I DID IT! I walked back in to the very place the best season of our lives began, held my head high, straightened my crown, and took back another piece of my life that I was certain I’d have to forsake as I slowly begin the widow’s process of crossing over. I even stood before “the window” and didn’t cry. I just remembered. I remembered all of it! I remembered “every day” we got to have him for the most beautiful season of our lives. And by the way, that chair you see to the left of the computer is the very one I was sitting in when our first meaningful conversation began. You know? The one that started our entire love story with the shot heard round the world:

Catherine? Can I ask you a question? Do you even OWN a hairbrush?

Jean-Claude Van DAMN! I’m smiling ear to ear as I’m literally hearing him say it! You see, it was his sometimes brutal honesty with me that not only brought me to where I am today, but changed the formerly broken narrative I’d had running in my mind courtesy of virtually all the other “men” who’d come before him that never even tried to lead me:

Don’t trust men … they will only ever lie … up to and including GOD!

So, with that, I will now remix the words to this all too fitting song in a manner that the KING who loved this formerly broken queen back to life would have said them, if, as I suspect, he was really was watching through his supernova telescope as I fought my way through one of the most powerful moments of my “lifetime” like the heavy-weight champion I’ve become:

I can see it in your eyes, and I’ve felt it in your touch. I know that you’re scared, but you’ve never been this loved. It’s a long shot, baby, I know it’s true, but if anyone can make it, I’m betting on the two of you. Just keep on moving towards the Sun. I know you’re gonna to see that the best is yet to come. Don’t don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. It’s a long way down, and it’s a leap of faith, but you’re never giving up, ’cause we had a once in a lifetime love. Everybody’s looking for what we found. Some wait their whole life and it never comes around. So don’t hold back now. Just let go of all you’ve ever known. You can put your hand in His. Don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way. That Sun is shining on a brand new day. I closed my eyes and I saw you standing right there, saying I do and they’re throwing the rice in our hair. Well your first was born, then his a sister came along, and they’ve got your smile. I’ve been looking back on the life we had. I’m still by your side. So don’t fear it now. You’re going all the way! I’ll never let you go. I’ll be right by your side. Just know I’ve made it Home and thanked God for our “once, in a Lifetime” love!

… umm, yes!

YES, IT DOES!

Listen up my parent friends, and listen up real good! We only get them for eighteen years. Actually, make that sixteen once they get their driver’s licenses. None of them ever signed up for this shit show … WE SIGNED UP FOR THEM .. so, they shouldn’t have to sacrifice a single fucking thing so WE can have the lives that we want. WE should make the sacrifices so that our KIDS can have the lives that they DESERVE! There is nothing that should ever come between us and them. Not a job! Not a dream! Not a hobby! Not an education!

NOT EVEN “THE LOVE OF OUR LIFE”!

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who tries to put YOU between them and YOUR children? THAT would be a deal-breaker, people, and that is NOT “the love of your life”!

Honey, I love you, but it’s me or them …

… to which your response should be …

“Well, then don’t let the door hit you in the ACTUAL fucking ASS!”

Does that mean that we aren’t entitled to have those things? The jobs, dreams, hobbies, educations, and the loves of our lives? OF COURSE NOT! But here’s the deal: KIDS FIRST! US LAST! Period. End of story! The years with them home will be over before we know it and then it’s OUR time to fly! The sky’s the limit, but not at the expense of the wings we clip, mangle, twist and BURN when we’re more worried about our wings than theirs.

“Failure To Fly”

Look, I’m no doctor, but I am willing to bet that more “failed flights” than not are due in part to selfish parents who failed to make their kids a priority. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry if that’s kinda hard to swallow, but the truth does hurt, does it not? Let’s not be stupid and squander the fleeting time we have with them at home. More than that, let’s not be “those parents” that the parents who do sacrifice to put their kids first talk badly about behind our backs. WORST OF ALL, let’s not be “those parents” whose KIDS will be talking about to their kids one day, telling them all the things we did or didn’t do, and how our selfish parenting landed them in therapy and medicated because we shattered their fragile hearts like glass!

Not to be sanctimonious, but there are certain crimes against humanity that are deserving of such flagrant disapproval and reproach. ASSHOLE PARENTS ARE ONE OF THEM! For the record, I too have been guilty of some not so stellar, very selfish parenting. I’m not EVEN gonna sit here and lie! But guess what? I grew up, WOKE UP, and took a sobering look at the wreckage I’d gifted to the undeserving kids I allowed to become casualties of both my war within and my war abroad. After breaking apart for a not so hot minute or two, I looked into the mirror at the little girl who knew exactly how it felt to be at the losing end of an unavailable parent. My guilty conscience took care of the rest. I sat down with my both my kids at different times and stages appropriate to their age and understanding and had the hardest and most awkward conversations of my life:

Kids, I’m sorry, but mommy TOTALLY fucked you over! Let me tell you how …

At which point I owned it all, accounted for everything, APOLOGIZED, then vowed to start doing better! Never again will my kids be second to anything or anyone … NOT EVEN MY OWN DAMN SELF!

This song is probably one of the best “selfish parent serenades” of all times. If you’ve ever been guilty of misappropriating the precious gift of parenthood, it may just twist you up inside the same way it twisted me the first time I heard it. Should that be the case, do yourself a favor and change your parenting story immediately! Talk to your kids and fill their precious ears with only the most beautiful words. Validate their wounds. Accept them as they are.

But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart.

Is that the legacy you want to leave? Certainly not! But children grow up and become adults, many of whom end up spending so much time in therapy trying to fix the damage we caused that they have no choice but to keep us in “separate chambers of the heart”. They learn about boundaries and “loving from a distance” to protect themselves from us and break the cycle, and thus the bridge is burned.

For the record, no matter what seemingly unforgiveable parenting mistakes you’ve made or how old your children are, it’s never too late to own it, account for it, apologize, and start doing better! As long as you’re breathing and so are they, JUST FIX IT!

BURNING IN THE SKIES

I use the dead wood to make the fire rise. The blood of innocence burning in the skies. I filled my cup with the rising of the sea and poured it out in an ocean of debris. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. We held our breathe when the clouds began to form, but you were lost in the beating of the storm. But in the end, we were made to be apart in separate chambers of the human heart. Ooh, I’m swimming in the smoke of bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. It’s in the blackened bones of bridges I have burned. The blame is mine alone for bridges I have burned. So don’t apologize – I’m losing what I don’t deserve. What I don’t deserve. {Linkin’ Park}

TO READ MORE ABOUT “THE TRIBE” THAT ALMOST DESTROYED MY DAUGHTER, CLICK <<HERE>>!

SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL

Will I know if it’s happiness I see? Will I feel a different side of me? And if I let it go, would you come back to haunt me? Am I doing the best that I can? We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. Can I see The Light still needs to shine inside of me through the windows I can’t find. Will you let me go? I’m tired of hiding. I’m trying to find my way. We can wait for tomorrow or we can find ourselves right now. Think about all that we’ve wasted trying to figure all this out. I know it’s not too late to turn it all into something beautiful. {One Less Reason}

Ten Thanksgivings later …

… and I still see the gold smoldering quietly in the embers, as far as my gaze to and fro, shining steadfast like a beacon to The Brighter Side Of Grey that led me to this Light … especially when I look in the mirror.

Golden is the crown that adorns my head, encrusted with all the precious diamonds of my life, not the least of which is me, the Queen I truly am, who was also created under pressure and fire.

Although the King may no longer reign beside me here on Earth and my sister has moved miles away, I still have my fire babies and so many beautiful strangers. Meanwhile, I am so beyond grateful on this day that words from ten Thanksgivings still apply and that I’m still seein’ gold in that fire:

These lonely hours like a fire refining something that’s precious – something that’s shining. There in the darkness, surrounded by coals … it’s starting to glow.

They made me a mom.

They made me STRONG!

They made me refuse to give up on myself under any circumstances, determined with every single breathe I’m lucky enough to take to be a Light in all their darkness. You see, only a phoenix can make another phoenix, so they have no other choice but to rise up and and fly. And that, my friends, is just the way it is!

Sadly, it is true – there have been many consorted efforts to take all three of us down, but indeed we are ALL here still fucking standing. This momma don’t play, my friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I will not rest until I see them both made completely whole, at peace with with their pasts, unafraid of their futures, and safe in the knowledge that their safest, truest homes are to be found within their own souls.

RISE UP

I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’ve been shaken wakin’ in the night light. I’ve been breakin’, hiding from the spotlight. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh, it’s calling out and I won’t walk away! I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all. Give me more. Rise, rise up! I was always up for the making changes. Walking down the street and meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Rise, rise up! Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I was there, but I was always leaving. I believe it, that I was never breathing. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’m bursting like the 4th of July, so color me and blow me away! I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray! {Imagine Dragons}

My son, Christian. No one will ever really understand what this kid has gone through just to survive, much less learn how to fly with the kinda mangled wings we all had a part in clipping. But he’s MY kid! I made him! So, FUCK that venom suit and every malignancy who put it on him! He’s a fighter, just like me, and just like his sister. Meanwhile …

Hey, Hey YOU,

You take one step forward and two steps back. It’s always been like that. It SHOULDN’T be like that! You’re trying to overcome yourself. You’re trying to work around your HELL!

Two steps forward and three steps back. Why’s your life like that? Why are you like that? You’re trying to understand yourself. You’re trying to fight through this HELL!

All the days gone by and you cant get ’em back. What was your name now? What is YOUR name now? You’re trying to rise above yourself! You’re trying to look beyond this HELL!

Seems like you got way off track. No one ever found you. No one unbound you. They wonder why you hate yourself. Surrounded by a living HELL!

Why can’t you see this clearly?

WHY CAN’T YOU?

Hey hey you, while you’re living the dream, I’d you’ve seen what I’ve seen, NOTHING is clean! Hey, hey you, while you’re rolling the dice, you’ve been paying the price! You’ve been walking on ice!

Hey, hey you, just get out of YOUR way. At the end of the day, you got SOMETHING to say!

Hey, hey you, see the look in your eyes! Will the Sun ever rise? Will the SON ever rise?

YES? Yes, they WILL rise! The Sun will ALWAYS rise and so will the lost and broken kid hiding inside you, but you’ve GOT to get out of your own fucking way first and make peace with your reflection.

Win, lose, or draw, that “son” you see looking back at you in the mirror is ALL really have in THIS world, much less get to play the game with, so …

TAG!

YOU’RE IT!

Now then … grab a hold of YOUR balls, don’t let anyone or anything steal your Sun or your thunder, and remember that YOU are the only “force beyond control” who can either choose or NOT choose to let your cards fold.

Just … say … NO!

RISE UP, Son!

RISE!

If you know The Green Mile as well as I do, you probably know the full quote from above:

I’m tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we’s going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world … every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head … all the time. Can you understand?

For an empath like me, even so much as reading those poignant words could have exhausted, drained, and emptied me. These days, though, as a “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;” and “apostrophe“, those words empower and make me even more determined to find all the Light in this seemingly dark and hopeless place and throw it up into the sky like the endless fractions of stars and twinkle that I’ve become.

Yes, it’s true that “some people” can be toxic, twisted, hate-filled assholes. Not “all people”, though. All the hope, faith, “love, light, and optimism” are inside of YOU, and you’ll RISE by lifting others. Just take a good look in the mirror to find it. Smiles are free, laughter is infectious, and kindness and compassion are worth their weight in gold, so, in the wake of all the chaos that seems to surround us, get out there and BE that …

ONE LIGHT BURNING

All alone in the dark – no walls no windows. Trying hard to define Heaven from hell. Standing out in the rain with just one shadow – nothing to see or believe beyond myself. See my life going by each moment I am alive. I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping somewhere in my life there’s one light burning. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning. All alone with my fears – no words are spoken. A story yet to be told locked in my mind. Hope is somewhere ahead shining brightly, but the past is always following close behind. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning – leading the way … leading the way. {Richie Sambora}

Oh, how I love these “Facebook Memories”! They’re a powerful and POIGNANT reminder of not only how far I’ve come, but even more so of where I’ve been, how I got here, and exactly where I want to go. The irony with this lovely little flashback to “6 years ago” is that just yesterday my daughter and I were visiting with my mom when this very part of my jacked up, twisted, broken, and invalidated story reared its ugly head again. Only, this time there was a witness to the crime.

In being honest, amidst this crime scene of sorts taking place, there was a part of me that was so beyond distraught that my daughter was caught in the crossfire. Like, literally, I was sick to my stomach as I was sitting there being pummeled with stinging reminders of what made me so sick in the first place. However, once it was over and we got into the car to take off, it was my brave, wise, and courageous phoenix girl who broke the ice and spoke the first words once it was clear to her that not only was I stunned, but also fighting back tears:

Mom, are you okay? I can tell that you’re trying not to cry. Man, that was tough to watch. I hope you know that although I’ve never once doubted the things you’ve told me about your childhood, that was the first time I’ve actually seen it happen out loud. With her that is. I love you mom, and I’m proud of you for handling that as well as you did. See? Look how far you’ve come! That was about HER, not about you, and you didn’t deserve that. Grandma loves you. I KNOW SHE DOES! She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand. Or, maybe she DOES but she just can’t acknowledge it because it would hurt her too much to know how much you’ve suffered.

So, with that, long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside and start this twisted story all over again as an actual living QUEEN. Guess what people? These wings of mine aren’t broken anymore, the BEST versions of me are still yet to come, and everything I’ve been fighting and praying for was just justified by my daughter’s words.

ON BROKEN WINGS

Fight the fight alone when the world is full of victims. Dims a fading light in our souls. Leave the peace alone. Now we all are slowly changing. Dims a fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. The things we hold are always first to go. And who’s to say we won’t end up alone? On broken wings I’m falling, and it won’t be long. The skin on me is burning by the fires of the Sun. On skinned knees I’m bleeding, and it won’t be long. I’ve got to find that meaning, and I’ll search for so long. Cry ourselves to sleep. We will sleep alone forever. Will you lay me down in the same place with all I love? Mend the broken homes. Care for them, they are our brothers. Save the fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. What you give will always carry you. And who’s to say we won’t survive it too? I’ll search for so long. We’ll set a-free all relying on their will to make me all that I am and all I’ll be. We’ll set a-free all who’ll fall between the cracks with memories of all that I am. {Alter Bridge}

‘Twas a beautiful afternoon that found me happily amidst my “Saturday circle of errands”, when suddenly I spied something on the side of the road, which of course I had to circle back around to, because that’s just what I do …

Did you see them? Aren’t they beautiful? Meanwhile, if you listen closely, you can hear me saying …

God is so good … It’s these cosmic intersections with my Creation, and my Creator, and the Galaxy, and this planet we live on … that’s what keeps it real for me!

An hour later, I posted this on my Instagram with the following caption:

It seems that once again I’d quickly intercepted the message behind that moment:

I, too, am a strong, confident, badass bitch!

How cool was it that I’d wrapped up that ‘lil juncture in my mind so fluidly, and even more so that I understood that moment to be far more than just “vultures doing vulture stuff“?

That being said …

Another hour later, I was watching the video before sending it to Gia, who of course was sure to be as fascinated by feathered friends as I was. That’s when I spotted THIS:

Umm, WOW!

A song I hadn’t heard since last I’d heard it “402 days ago”, found its way to my cue, thus releasing a bittersweet memory that had been buried underneath all the ashes that I had no idea I actually needed to remember …

It was the Saturday before he left, August 17, 2019. When he got home from work, we went for a bite and to see “Hobbs & Shaw”, which unbeknownst to me was our last date night ever. When we got home, there was a very special song I wanted him to hear, so we sat in the driveway and listened to it. Under the circumstances, and knowing what we both knew was happening in his mind, these words cut us deeply as we sat in the car holding hands in silent tears:

I will run alone tonight without you by my side. I guess you had a place you had to get to. I know your eyes. I know inside the walls you hide behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. It’s taking all my will just to run alone. When are you coming home? Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. One day the earth will open wide, and I’ll follow you inside, ’cause the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will send my rocket ship to find you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Taking all my will just to run alone, until I bring you home. Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And if the sun grows cold for you along the way. And if the stars don’t line to light the way. And when you fall away and crash back down below. I’ll search the skies for you, and I’ll follow. I’ll be in your afterglow, and I’ll bring you home. {Starset}

If only I’d known the irony in just how deeply “these words” were cutting us both, but from completely different places. There was a monster living in his mind that was eviscerating any and all traces of the man we once knew to be our rock … and he knew it! He was becoming darker as every passing second, and his inability to overcome it was steadily severing the very last chords that were tethering “the him he was” to this Earth. As I’ve shared before, his decision to put down the monster he’d been hiding behind the mask had already been made, only I didn’t know how close we were to the end. Knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what he must have been thinking when he heard these words:

Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you.

In the end? He did what he felt he had to do, as not only was he in excruciating “screaming inside his head” pain and turmoil, he didn’t want to hurt us anymore.

Now here I am, “Saturday, September 19, 2020”. What started out as two vultures on the side of the road, which then led me to remember that indeed I am a “strong, confident, badass bitch”, somehow also reminded me of that August night 402 days ago, that song, and that bittersweet “last”, all of which now led me to hear “these words” from a much-needed hindsight:

I must run alone tonight without you by my side. I know you had a place you had to get to. I knew your eyes. I knew inside the walls you hid behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I knew you were lost when you ran away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Now I’ll use my will just to run alone. You’re never coming home. Even though the sky did fall. Even if though they took it all. There’s no pain that He didn’t go through … you knew He had to die for you. And now that all the fires burned, and everything is overturned, there’s no more that you’ll have to go through … because He already died for you. One day the Earth it opened wide … I couldn’t follow you inside … and now the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will take my rocket ship to find you. And though the Sun grew cold for you along the way, and the stars didn’t line to light the way. And though you fell away and crashed back down below … I’ll search the skies for you … I’ll be in your afterglow until I get Home.

So, with that, I part with this: “On The 5th Day”, in a far away space and time, God said …

Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let fowl fly above the Earth in the open firmament of Heaven.

As well on that day do I think He also said …

… and it’s these cosmic intersections with My Creation AND two magnificent vultures I shall create that she will need one day … not only to help her keep it real … but to help her keep on shining My Light.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you this before, but I’m God’s actual favorite daughter and a rising queen of the most magnanimous power and grace that there ever was or ever will be. I’m also absolutely NOTHING, which kinda makes me everything, and I’m the most blessed human woman that has ever walked this Earth.

It was a super early morning as we awoke to a 4:30am alarm for a 5:00am departure to her 5:30am practice. While Gia was getting ready, I popped on to Instagram to find the picture above which literally hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, just before waking, I’d been enjoying a blissfully enchanted slumber, during which my husband had conveyed an message to me in the most surreal of ways.

It was him. I just know it! I could smell his skin, sense his touch, and feel his breathe on my face. While I won’t go into detail, because believe it or not there are many things I’ll keep safe inside the most private places of my heart, in this fantasy he had been shadowing me as I moved from one house to another.

He was there … but he wasn’t. I could see him … but I couldn’t. Yet, at every turn I’d made that day, his presence was lingering behind me in a haunting but not frightening way. At the end, what had ’til then only been an eclipse of his presence, turned into his physical body. There we both stood tightly embraced with our hands locked together when I asked this most profound question:

I know where you are … I believe it in my heart … but I just NEED to hear you say it. Am I right? Are you There now? WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY?

I didn’t hear his voice, as he never spoke a word, but, indeed, he communicated in the sacred “1-2-3 hand squeeze” we’d shared during our season. His answer to my question was emphatic: “One squeeze for yes”, not “two squeezes for no”, right on cue to my prompt.

As this first year without him has all but flown by, I’ve made absolute peace with his suicide. The heartbreaking pain of his many tragic truths was so far beyond sobering that it still reduces me to tears to sit with. Unless or until you’ve born the cross of seeing a person dying out loud in the egregious way that he did, you couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of relief I felt upon the release of his mortal shackles. He had held on for dear life as long as he possibly could until the day he died, but when the end of his darkness finally settled in, Fate stepped in with the blow.

Still, let’s go back to how this morning with Gia even started. We’d backed out of the garage to find ourselves greeted by a bright orange moon on fire and ethereal setting in the field that abuts our driveway. We were in such connected tangent that it was alarming, but also comforting. The intrinsic conversation that soon availed tapped directly into our understandings of “all of this”, yet far beyond our simply dimensioned minds have yet to fathom. She knows what I know, and I know what she knows, which is ALL either of us needs to know. It’s so powerful.

Keep in mind that the first song that cued up when the engine started today was “Remember Everything“. That had to have meant something … I just knew it! Sufficed to say, though, that neither of us can listen to it now without being reminded of everything we remember about not just our lives, but Zack’s and Christian’s as well. But here’s where it gets even more interesting. After I’d dropped her off and was headed home, that other song I love to hate found it’s way to my speakers:

The Tragic Truth.

IT DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY THIS TIME! Instead, I just smiled as I rolled on down the road with my gaze fixed hard into the sky from which I heard his voice serenading me with those tragically truthful words:

It’s the demons I’ve created for myself … the Tragic Truth … it’s hard for me to understand myself, so it has to be hard as hell for you.

{“The Tragic Truth Revisited“}

All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was everything! Even as I write this I’m smiling again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him, know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. No more voices screaming inside his head.

My “circadian life” is so much bigger than I will ever know, and my adventure still isn’t over. All it took was one cryptic message from The Cosmos to remind me, yet again, that I’m an incredibly blessed widow. In case I’ve never said this, let me say it now: I truly believe that I’m God’s favorite daughter, even despite the many circumstances in my life that seem to prove otherwise. For this, I am as eternally grateful as I am for the true and immense love I still feel that continually travels the distance from from light years away.

I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but can’t make any promises …

So, let me go back to the very first glimpse of the rabbit hole I almost fell into after an entire week of being chastised, reprimanded, scolded, and all but burned alive on a cross for voicing my opinions, feelings, views and support for the personal “bandwagon” I have jumped on amidst what I truly believe is Atlas Falling. Lol! Of all the punches I’ve taken this week, the worst was a comment by a now former friend who calls herself “a Christian”:

Wow, so glad to finally see you!

No, it wasn’t a compliment. She heard me say “I love oranges”, then took it upon herself to assume that I don’t also love apples and pears. Who the FUCK is she to judge me by picking only the lines that best suit her schooling of my beliefs?

Meanwhile, last night at 5:53pm, this:

… which then led to this at 8:00pm:

… which then led to this at 8:21PM:

… at which point I felt a little better and was able to fall asleep. But alas, that victory was short-lived, because THEN I woke up to this:

This “memory” couldn’t have come at a worse time, since I had just recovered from almost falling backwards less than eight hours prior.

It was Mother’s Day 2019 that was the beginning of his descent, but it was on June 5, 2014 after having had to stay home and take care of us for a while that truly began his unravelling. I’d been getting ready for bed, only to find him waiting in bed lost somewhere inside his own mind:

Baby? Is everything okay? Where were you just now?

I had to physically push him to get his attention. When he turned his head to look at me there were tears rolling down his face:

Catherine, I don’t think I ever realized ‘what I never had’ growing up until now. What she never gave me. What she never did for me, but she DID do for all of them. Going through all of this with you has been a blessing and a curse. She threw me away. They all did. Every one of them. It’s as though I just don’t exist. I wasn’t good enough for her. For them. They never wanted me. I’m nothing.

Meanwhile, there I was laying in bed this morning and unable to face the empty spot beside me, so, I turned the other way to avoid looking in that direction. I became fixated on the wall where the light seeping through the blinds that shroud the windows was trying desperately to reach me. I was all but paralyzed, and too numb to even cry, until I picked up my phone and saw this:

… which THEN led to this at 10:54am:

… and thus, my profound conclusion: 

GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!

I’m STILL a fortress. I’m still a queen. I’m still the strongest bitch I’ve ever known, with the greatest King of all Who has never failed me. As par for the course, He’s already got this whole thing figured out for all of us. If I so much as think about letting this fortress I’ve become crumble, He bombards me with signs and love notes from His heart and reminds me that I’m never gonna be alone. This morning, He answered my cry with the most beautiful Molotov cocktail I’ve ever seen through a picture and the words of a stranger:

You fukin’ go kick ass today!!!!

So, with that, “I’m going back in” with everything He’s given me for the battlefield, not the least of which is the Cosmic validation I needed in the words of total strangers. Everything IS gonna be okay!

HEAVEN HELP ME

When I can’t find the words. When I can barely breathe. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. When I can’t feel You near, and I can’t hear You speak. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. When I don’t understand. When I don’t think I can. I know You have a plan, so Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. ‘Cause I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. Help me believe it. When I can’t see it. Help me to know it. When I can’t hold it … {Zach Williams}

If you could sit on this bench and talk to anyone for one hour, who would it be and what would you say?

I saw a post very similar to this on a social media feed earlier last week and it struck a chord in me so loud that my answer was instantaneous. I would sit down with “younger me” and THIS is what I’d say:

Hey there young lady, it’s so nice to meet you! You don’t know me, and I don’t mean to scare you, but let me assure you that one day we WILL meet again. For reasons I can’t explain, and may sound a little insane, I already know a heck of lot about you. Right now, you’re feeling scared. You’re feeling lost, abandoned, and alone. You’ve been betrayed by people you thought you could trust, and your glass heart has been shattered into pieces. You think no one can hear or see you, and when you face yourself in the mirror each day you see nothing looking back but an abyss. Worst of all, you can’t see her yet, but there’s a dragon circling above you like a carcass. She’s gonna hold you for ransom inside her solitary cave, but YOU are going to slay her!

There’s a long, dark road that’s coming up ahead and some of the places it’s taking you are gonna suck. But listen to me, and listen good: Don’t you DARE change a thing that you’re about to do or even ONE of the decisions you’re gonna make! Life’s gonna burn the wings off your back that you don’t even know you have yet and some people who claim to love you are gonna leave you on the ground while you’re choking on their dust. But alas, your wings are eventually gonna heal and take you so high above the ashes you almost die in that even YOU won’t know how to stop them. Through it all, you’ll become a queen, a Light in peoples’ darkness, and a legacy your kids will be proud of. So, buckle up sister and hang on for dear life … I’ll be waiting for you on The Brighter Side Of Grey. In the meantime, there’s a song you haven’t heard yet because it hasn’t even been made, but let me put “us” in some words you’re gonna love as you STAND and sing it to the world …

Always remember that our “future selves” are watching us right now through the cracks inside our mirrors. So, make sure you are serving all those silent pieces of your memory well, because YOU are depending on every one of them.

STAND

You felt like a candle in a hurricane. Just like a picture with a broken frame. Alone and helpless like you’d lost your fight, but you were alright! You were alright! ‘Cause when push came to shove you tasted what you were made of. You almost bent ’til you broke ’cause it was all you could take. On your knees you looked up, decided you’d had enough. You got mad, you got strong, wiped your hands, shook it off – THEN YOU STOOD! Our life’s like a novel with the end ripped out. The edge of a canyon with only one way down. We’ll take what we’re given before it’s gone. We start holding on. We keep holding on. Every time we get up and got back in the race one more small piece of us just keepings falling into place … ‘CAUSE WE STAND! {Rascal Flatts}

Just for the record, there’s around seventeen eff-bombs in this salt-encrusted message from me, “the NICEST bitch you’ll ever fucking know”, to “WHOM IT MAY CONCERN”! Sorry, not sorry. This is me … take me or leave me … ’cause I don’t really care … and by the way, don’t EVER fucking touch me unless I tell you to.

Oh, and for the record, my name is CAT, not “Hey, Sexy!”, you Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking douche nozzles who think it’s okay to speak to a QUEEN like she’s some kind of fucking thirst trap skeezer. Okay, that’s all. Now, go grab yourself some fucking Lucky Charms and have a really nice fuckin’ day!