Golden is the crown that adorns my head, encrusted with all the precious diamonds of my life, not the least of which is me, the Queen I truly am, who was also created under pressure and fire.
Although the King may no longer reign beside me here on Earth and my sister has moved miles away, I still have my fire babies and so many beautiful strangers. Meanwhile, I am so beyond grateful on this day that words from ten Thanksgivings still apply and that I’m still seein’ gold in that fire:
These lonely hours like a fire refining something that’s precious – something that’s shining. There in the darkness, surrounded by coals … it’s starting to glow.
They made me refuse to give up on myself under any circumstances, determined with every single breathe I’m lucky enough to take to be a Light in all their darkness. You see, only a phoenix can make another phoenix, so they have no other choice but to rise up and and fly. And that, my friends, is just the way it is!
Sadly, it is true – there have been many consorted efforts to take all three of us down, but indeed we are ALL here still fucking standing. This momma don’t play, my friends. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I will not rest until I see them both made completely whole, at peace with with their pasts, unafraid of their futures, and safe in the knowledge that their safest, truest homes are to be found within their own souls.
RISE UP
I was hoping for an indication. I was seeking higher elevation. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’ve been shaken wakin’ in the night light. I’ve been breakin’, hiding from the spotlight. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. The more I stray, the less I fear, and the more I reach, the more I fade away. The darkness right in front of me. Oh, it’s calling out and I won’t walk away! I would always open up the door. Always looking up at higher floors. Want to see it all. Give me more. Rise, rise up! I was always up for the making changes. Walking down the street and meeting strangers. Flipping through my life turning pages. Rise, rise up! Like a prayer that only needs a reason. Like a hunter waiting for the season. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I was there, but I was always leaving. I believe it, that I was never breathing. Ay, ay, ay. Ay, ay, ay. I’m bursting like the 4th of July, so color me and blow me away! I’m broken in the prime of my life, so embrace it and leave me to stray! {Imagine Dragons}
… whereas some moms might see a “tragedy in ink” down the road temporarily penned on her teenage daughter’s hand, I instead see the limitless potential and possibilities for the extremely talented young Phoenix I’m raising who knows exactly who she is, has a pretty good grasp on what she wants and where she wants to go, and isn’t afraid to express herself, be herself, and see things in herself that while on the surface may look a bit dark, are in reality, extraordinarily beautiful! Sometimes I literally pinch myself because I can NOT believe I made her. I’ve made TWO extraordinary human beings!
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
No one will ever truly understand either the depth of each of their hearts’ bounds or the mountains of ashes they’ve both had to ascend from to teach themselves how to fly. I am such a lucky mom, and I just can’t say it enough! But this girl of mine? She’s one you’ll need to watch out for. As in, STAY OUT OF HER FLIGHT PATH unless you are willing to have your actual eyes burned out by her Light!Her Light makes my Lightlook like the 5-watt bulb from a nightlamp, even when it appears that she’s “going dark”. I’d be doing myself a grave disservice if I didn’t say that some day when I’m grown up I hope to be just like her! I’m so proud to be their mom! BOTH my kids are my heroes! With all that being said, and so far as the “ink” of it is concerned, all I have left is this:
Got a tattoo that said, “together through life”. Carved in your name with my pocketknife. And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright? Oh oh. Oh oh. Feels like there’s something broken inside. All I know, all I know – is that I’m lost whenever you go. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. Got a tattoo and the paint’s alright. Just want a way of keeping you inside. Oh oh. Oh oh. All I know, all I know … is that I’m lost in your fire below. All I know is that I love you so. So much that it hurts. I see the road that you climb. I see the scars begin to show. I see your colors and I’m dying of thirst. All I know is that I love you so, so much that it hurts.{Coldplay}
If you didn’t already know this by now, my daughter isn’t just any kid. She’s a real life superhero and I just can’t say it enough. No one will ever really know exactly what she has been through the last five or six years or how bittersweet this night is for us both. It’s the long-awaited series finale of her favorite show, “Supernatural“.
There aren’t enough words that I could write at this moment, because not only am I a raw and open wound after having watched it, I literally just don’t have them. What I can tell you is that if you click here you’ll go back to just over a year ago and catch a glimpse of what this show has meant to not just her survival journey, but mine. If if I had lost her, too, on the night that Zack left, I don’t know where in the actual hell I’d be now.
This show is the reason she was brave enough to reach out to the ImALIVE crisis helpline on August 22, 2019, when she began to realize that Zack, her “Bobby Singer“, was, indeed, going to end his own life that night and that’s why we still have her with us. So, yes, this night is bittersweet for both of us. But as I’ve told her all along … sometimes endings really are just beginnings.
Heaven ain’t just re-livin’ your golden oldies anymore … it’s what it always shoulda been – everyone happy, everyone together. It ain’t just Heaven, Dean. It’s the Heaven you deserve.
{Bobby Singer to Dean Winchester}
So, with that, I leave you now with the last two scenes from one of the most impactful eras of our lives. If you know our story? If you know Zack’s story? You’ll understand exactly what these two fictional yet poignant moments mean to me andmy little girl.
All the days gone by and you cant get ’em back. What was your name now? What is YOUR name now? You’re trying to rise above yourself! You’re trying to look beyond this HELL!
Seems like you got way off track. No one ever found you. No one unbound you. They wonder why you hate yourself. Surrounded by a living HELL!
Why can’t you see this clearly?
WHY CAN’T YOU?
Hey hey you, while you’re living the dream, I’d you’ve seen what I’ve seen, NOTHING is clean! Hey, hey you, while you’re rolling the dice, you’ve been paying the price! You’ve been walking on ice!
Hey, hey you, just get out of YOUR way. At the end of the day, you got SOMETHING to say!
Hey, hey you, see the look in your eyes! Will the Sun ever rise? Will the SON ever rise?
Win, lose, or draw, that “son” you see looking back at you in the mirror is ALL really have in THIS world, much less get to play the game with, so …
TAG!
YOU’RE IT!
Now then … grab a hold of YOUR balls, don’t let anyone or anything steal your Sunor your thunder, and remember that YOU are the only “force beyond control” who can either choose or NOT choose to let your cards fold.
… that moment you’re so proud of yourself when “that one song from your past” cues up as your driving, only this time it doesn’t make you cry.
God has been so good to me in all the ways He’s helped me find closure and peace with the many black roses from my past … not the LEAST of which was myself! Trust me when I say that I wasn’t always so upbeat, Light-filled, “Divinely punctuated“, and optimistic. If you’ve read any of the chapters from the beginning of this Diary, you know exactly what I’m talking about. There was a very dark time in my life when I was the blackest rose of them all. Such is life, then we live, we learn, and move on.
Trapt is one of my all-time favorite bands by the way, and Black Rose one of the songs of my life. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen. IT’S SO PRETTY! But hey, if you do, I want you to tell me something, PLEASE! Can you say that when you get to the guitar solo at “3:23” it doesn’t send chills up your spine or make you cry?
I CANNOT!
It’s actually one of the most beloved guitar solos I’ve ever heard and never too far from my heart, no matter my mood. Truth being told, there have been times when I’ve probably replayed it 50 times in a row just so I could emotionally cut myself and make myself cry when I couldn’t. Meanwhile, thank you God for the roses of my life … even the black ones.
BLACK ROSE
I saw you in the garden – I wanted you so much. I really thought that you were different, oh I couldn’t get enough. I tried to save you from yourself – I felt every high and low. But the lows have drowned the highs away, now there’s no where else to go. Black rose your thorns are cutting into me for the last time. Black rose I watched your petals wilt away. I couldn’t bring you back to life! You were always where The Sun could never go. I never wanted you to have to be alone. But I couldn’t find a way to help you grow … Black Rose. You never tell me how you feel, and your moods they always change. I really tried to make it real, but you never had the faith. I tried to give you something good to take the pain away. I tried to make you understand – you don’t have to be this way … {Trapt}
If you know The Green Mile as well as I do, you probably know the full quote from above:
I’m tired, boss. Tired of being on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. I’m tired of never having me a buddy to be with to tell me where we’s going to, coming from, or why. Mostly, I’m tired of people being ugly to each other. I’m tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world … every day. There’s too much of it. It’s like pieces of glass in my head … all the time. Can you understand?
For an empath like me, even so much as reading those poignant words could have exhausted, drained, and emptied me. These days, though, as a “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;” and “apostrophe“, those words empower and make me even more determined to find all the Light in this seemingly dark and hopeless place and throw it up into the sky like the endless fractions of stars and twinkle that I’ve become.
Yes, it’s true that “some people” can be toxic, twisted, hate-filled assholes. Not “all people”, though. All the hope, faith, “love, light, and optimism” are inside of YOU, and you’ll RISE by lifting others. Just take a good look in the mirror to find it. Smiles are free, laughter is infectious, and kindness and compassion are worth their weight in gold, so, in the wake of all the chaos that seems to surround us, get out there and BE that …
ONE LIGHT BURNING
All alone in the dark – no walls no windows. Trying hard to define Heaven from hell. Standing out in the rain with just one shadow – nothing to see or believe beyond myself. See my life going by each moment I am alive. I keep reaching out, holding on, hoping somewhere in my life there’s one light burning. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning. All alone with my fears – no words are spoken. A story yet to be told locked in my mind. Hope is somewhere ahead shining brightly, but the past is always following close behind. I feel it like my heart beating inside. Somewhere in my life – there’s one light burning – leading the way … leading the way. {Richie Sambora}
I didn’t want this day to go by without recognizing this very important “Facebook memory” from one year ago today.
It wasn’t clear WHY Gia was in such a panic getting ready for school today. Until it was. The revelation was just so bittersweet, and let me tell you why …
God, please let that hoodie reappear. Like me, one of the things she is most proud to say is “she was in the Horton family”. She knows how hard he worked to create the life he made for us and knows that company had so much to do with how we got here. Not just materially, either. While all this “stuff” is super nice background noise, the best background noise we have is the beautiful reality that his very successful career at DR Horton gave him the sense of accomplishment, belonging, and validation he’d needed for so long. Horton was his “other family”, and ours, too, and for that we will always be grateful.
It makes her feel close … makes her smile … it’s like he’s with her almost ’til the tears take over. She’s still in hell, but she tells herself she’s ready to let him go, ’cause that makes her feel close.
So much has changed in both her mind and heart since the day this post was made, and although we never found that hoodie, what I can tell you is this: We have found peace, solace, and so many beautiful reasons to be thankful as we keep sifting through the things that make us feel close. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Despite the way this chapter of our story ended, we are still two very lucky girls!
… and that moment a simple picture sheds a WHOLE NEW LIGHT ON TWO very simple words:
“CROW’S FEET”
Nothing I have ever survived or risen above will steal my truly blind faith in this Cosmos, as I believe with every shred of my being that regardless of what I think, say or do, there’s a perfectly purposed wheel spinning around me at all times. Like this picture, for instance, wherein some of you may just see “crow’s feet”, which, IS FINE! TO EACH HIS OWN! But I see something so much more than some random corvid’s scaly toes. I see a message from the Big Hand in the sky screaming out to me in living color:
Hey … YOU … REAL Cat! EVERYTHING really IS gonna be okay. Just take a look around at all these promises I’ve sent you.
So, yes, some of you just see “crow’s feet” here, and again, to each his own! But after everything I’ve learned thus far, when I see this picture, I see an entire lifetime as I’m jaunted backwards through a maze of things I’ve loved and lost, then propelled into an eternity of possibilities yet to come. The God I serve has had loving control since before I knew my mother’s womb, and this masterpiece He’s been painting has both nothing and everything to do with me at once. I’m just a pebble in an ocean, with Light and dark, power and grace, and true magnificence swirling about me regardless of what I can see. Death really is nothing at all, my true Homeis somewhere else, and this simple picture of the most beautiful crow’s feet I think I’ve ever seen reminds me yet again that I’m one very lucky girl!
Of course I don’t mind if you ask what my name is …
… so long as YOU don’t mind
ME saying you’re a moron!
Listen up people! This is me just being REAL! If you’ve read anything I’ve written or watched a single one of my videos, surely you must have realized by now that as positive, uplifting, gracious, and FORGIVING as my heart can truly be, I really am “the nicest bitch EVER“! Some things just have to be screamed out loud … and in this case? Well, you can just listen for yourself.
Some days I rise with all the words I need to say just pouring out of my soul, and often because of a dream. Like today, which would have been our 10th wedding anniversary. It’s been just over a year of on this road I never planned to travel, and though I knew it was fast approaching, I also knew it would be a major turning point in my final ascent out of the darkness and into The Light. Let me tell you how my beautifully shattered life works …
To begin, indeed, I dreamt last night, but not before closing my eyes to the ethereal sound of my daughter and her crew’s Halloween shenanigans up above. Lol. Did I ever tell you that one of the very few flaws with Williamson Manor is that Gia’s theatre and game rooms are directly above my bedroom? YUP! They are! As it turns out, though, it’s not a flaw at all! Believe it or not, especially in this last 438 days, those echoes of stomping, laughing, and chaos into the wee hours of so many nights are but a lullaby to me. It’s why he built this home, “from the ground up“, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Knowing she’s here, happy, safe, and whole, is one of the realities that comforts me the most.
Damnit, I’ve digressed. Where was I? Oh, my dream! I was front row center at a Five Finger Death Punch show, but instead of a traditional concert venue, it was an intimate gathering where Ivan was singing to me:
The widow’s life ticks out like clockwork … a thousand tears she’s cried a hundred times before. But now that he is gone, she’s ready to move on …
As he was singing, a single tear fell from his eye, but it wasn’t Ivan’s face I was seeing. It was Zack’s face on Ivan’s body holding that legendary “tuning fork mic stand” of his in one hand, while reaching out to me with the other like a muse calling out to her daughter. He was practicing “the great alchemy“, just like he always does, and delivered a message from The Cosmos straight to my heart and soul. It was the most absurdly beautiful insanity imaginable! In the dream, I was thinking to myself, “This HAS to mean something, but what?”
Then, I woke up and I KNEW!
In order to fully appreciate where I’m going with this, you must understand that I am led solely by intuition and feelings. Call me a spiritualist. Call me a “good witch”. Call me a “practical magician“. Call me whatever in actual Heaven or Hell that you want. It’s my truth, and it’s never gonna change:
In every thing there is a meaning, in every moment a message, and something means everything, even if it’s nothing!
Am I bat-shit effing crazy? Perhaps I am. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, and let me tell you why: What if I’m RIGHT? What if it’s true? What if the Cosmos really is speaking to me? What if it really is Zack communicating with us through the fog and the crows and the lights in the bathroom? That, my friends, is the “crazy” blind faith that costs me nothing, but gains me everything!Sooner or later, I, too, will cross on over, and either I’m right or I am wrong about everything I believe. Meanwhile, just after waking from that most ethereal dream, this was right beside my bed. It’s nothing, really. Nothing at all. Just one of Gia’s bracelets that either Good Cat or Bad Cat must have found and deposited at the exact spot my foot hit the ground. “C’mon Cat, it’s just a bracelet.” Ya think? But why did it show up in the “endless” twist of “F8” that way? Hmm?
So, with that …
Ten years ago today, I kissed a frog who turned into a king. Five years ago today, that king turned me into a princess. Today I woke up from a dream on the edge of literal “eternity”. With that, I was reminded of the endless joy he brought to my life that I get to keep until it’s my time to see the brighter side of grey. There will never be a day that I’m not eternally grateful for the true love and immeasurable gifts he left me with, not the least of which is the fire he lit in my soul that will light my way through every darkness. Loving that man changed my life forever, so it’s no wonder that losing him has done the same.
Today is the day!
I think it’s finally time for me to start moving on, whatever that actually means, and I’ve asked God to just keep leading my way. My heart is completely open to anything and everything, but as for now I’ll just keep inhaling every moment one precious breath at a time and holding them in for as long as possible, for I know full well that every time I exhale, I’ll be making the space for whatever is out there waiting for me. Knowing God the way I do, the chances are high that whatever it is will be extraordinary. In the meantime, win, lose, or draw, this is the beautiful picture of me that I’m always going to love the most and the “me” I’m going to punctuate the world with!
Happy anniversary, Zachariah, my love. I don’t mind you hanging with us as long as you feel it’s necessary, but hey – don’t wait for me here. I’ll be there soon enough!
CROSSING OVER
All perched alone he sits there broken. An eldered man with storm clouds setting in his eyes. He counts the sands of time – remembering days gone by. It seemed like yesterday before it washed away. Hey, don’t wait for me there – just find your own way. Hey, don’t wait for me there – ’cause I’ll be there soon enough. The widow’s life ticks out like clockwork. A thousand tears she’s cried a hundred times before. But now that he is gone, she’s ready to move on. It all just fell away – it seems like yesterday. {Five Finger Death Punch}
Oh, how I love these “Facebook Memories”! They’re a powerful and POIGNANT reminder of not only how far I’ve come, but even more so of where I’ve been, how I got here, and exactly where I want to go. The irony with this lovely little flashback to “6 years ago” is that just yesterday my daughter and I were visiting with my mom when this very part of my jacked up, twisted, broken, and invalidated story reared its ugly head again. Only, this time there was a witness to the crime.
In being honest, amidst this crime scene of sorts taking place, there was a part of me that was so beyond distraught that my daughter was caught in the crossfire. Like, literally, I was sick to my stomach as I was sitting there being pummeled with stinging reminders of what made me so sick in the first place. However, once it was over and we got into the car to take off, it was my brave, wise, and courageous phoenix girl who broke the ice and spoke the first words once it was clear to her that not only was I stunned, but also fighting back tears:
Mom, are you okay? I can tell that you’re trying not to cry. Man, that was tough to watch. I hope you know that although I’ve never once doubted the things you’ve told me about your childhood, that was the first time I’ve actually seen it happen out loud. With her that is. I love you mom, and I’m proud of you for handling that as well as you did. See? Look how far you’ve come! That was about HER, not about you, and you didn’t deserve that. Grandma loves you. I KNOW SHE DOES! She just doesn’t get it. She doesn’t understand. Or, maybe she DOES but she just can’t acknowledge it because it would hurt her too much to know how much you’ve suffered.
Fight the fight alone when the world is full of victims. Dims a fading light in our souls. Leave the peace alone. Now we all are slowly changing. Dims a fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. The things we hold are always first to go. And who’s to say we won’t end up alone? On broken wings I’m falling, and it won’t be long. The skin on me is burning by the fires of the Sun. On skinned knees I’m bleeding, and it won’t be long. I’ve got to find that meaning, and I’ll search for so long. Cry ourselves to sleep. We will sleep alone forever. Will you lay me down in the same place with all I love? Mend the broken homes. Care for them, they are our brothers. Save the fading light in our souls. In my opinion seeing is to know. What you give will always carry you. And who’s to say we won’t survive it too? I’ll search for so long. We’ll set a-free all relying on their will to make me all that I am and all I’ll be. We’ll set a-free all who’ll fall between the cracks with memories of all that I am. {Alter Bridge}
In order to love who you are, you CANNOT hate the choices you have made. LET THAT SHIT GO!
Words to live by.
WORDS TO DIE BY!
Whatever sins from your past are holding you back from rising so far above yourself that even you can’t stop your ascent … LET THEM DIE WHEN YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES TONIGHT! No one is perfect. We’ve ALL fucked up! Some of us more than others. Guess what? That’s what grace is for. You deserve so much better than the guilt, shame, and self-degradation caused by the human mistakes you refuse to release yourself from.
It’s all he ever wanted, it’s why he built this house, and this was one of the “firsts” in her life he was looking forward to the most … the very first picture of her all decked out in formal attire on the staircase he built for these moments. I know he was smiling as he watched this entire weekend as she reveled in her Freshman Year homecoming festivities. My heart is full as I memorialize this milestone in tribute to the many “wishes and dreams” he had for her!
Did I miss him tonight? Of course, I did! Did I cry? Nope. I couldn’t. I was just so happy to finally see her on those stairs living the dream that he designed for us. It would have broken his heart to see either of us crying, and especially taking “the picture”. So then, no tears. Only joy, and smiles, and an abundance of gratitude. Besides, he was here with us in all of this, just like he always is, and always will be!
I struggled as to whether or not I should bother to respond to this bullshit message, but have decided to let you know …
It is now clear that you know nothing about my heart, so I’ll fill you in on a not so little secret: I am an empath who absorbs other people’s feelings and burdens as my own, especially those who are close to me. As such, I have spent the entire last seven months of COVID worrying for my friends, family and strangers, feeling helpless that I can’t just ZAP everyone’s lives into blissful perfection. I have shed countless tears, prayed daily for others, and done everything in my power to be “a Light” in the darkness, DESPITE the fact that 427 days ago the love of my life blew his fucking brains out and DEVASTATED me and mine in unspeakable ways that most people don’t and will never know (but YOU do). I am now a widow who has also “struggled”, with not only COVID, but countless other thoughts, burdens and stresses that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone, all the while having still managed to at least TRY to think outside of myself and be thoughtful and mindful of others. I too have been near “a cliff”, and though it may not be as steep as yours, it is real just the same.
I was at a stop light when I saw your post and misinterpreted “your situation”. I’d honed in on the fact that you might have to sit in a 2-hour line to get a Chromebook for your son, which evidently was not the case. My first thought was about the like-new Chromebook that Gia had been trying to sell, so, I either texted or called you immediately. For the record, my intention was NEVER to sell it to you, and I apologize if that’s what you thought. Gia doesn’t need $100 and neither do I. My only thought at that moment was,“Oh no! A 2-hour line for a Chromebook? Maybe I could just bring her Gia’s.”ZERO was I “disregarding” either that situation or any situation you and yours have been dealing with as of late. I was JUST trying to help you be less stressed out.
Keep in mind that the weekend prior, I had made a gift bag to “ding dong ditch” your porch with on your birthday, but when I went to your page that day to write on your wall, I saw you on a getaway with your family and decided to hold off. Time passed and I had neither heard from or seen much of you on Facebook, so I tried to find out what was going on. I texted you two or three times. No response! I even thought about going to your house, but instead messaged your husband because I was worried that something was wrong. Then I got your text and realized that yet again (for the second time in 20 plus years) I’d, been, “GHOSTED”! And why is that? Because my well-intended message to you “kind of came across as disregarding your situation when you were already struggling”. Neither my words, thoughts or intended deeds were good enough and had to be punished!
When I got your text, I all but lost it and beat myself up pretty good! “OMG! What did I do? I hurt her feelings? Made her feel disregarded? What could I have done better? What could I have SAID better?” I felt like a terrible friend and awful person! Did you ever stop to consider that perhaps I did have good intentions and was just trying to help, but because I too am struggling, your assumption that I was “disregarding your situation” was WRONG? Short of that, could you have possibly shown some grace and cut me some slack for failing to regard “your situation” in the manner that you would have preferred? Yah, not so much!
Let me tell you about my “situation”. I had to actually run away to get my broken head, heart and feelings together after coming pretty damn close to falling off my own cliff! What you did to me was beyond unfair, if not cruel, and started cracking my heart in a brand new place. By the time my own birthday came and went and most of my “friends” forgot me, I think I was pretty much done … with all of this! I just survived an entire LIFETIME of walking on fucking eggshells in “relationship gauntlets” where the people I loved and trusted refused to extend grace for my MANY human failures and would punish me with silent treatments or “washing their hands of me”. The irony here is that ALL I’VE EVER WANTED is for“my people” to be happy, feel cared for, and NEVER have to wonder what they mean to me. The problem is that I’m not a mind reader, soooo … all I’ve ever been able to do is the best that I can do, which evidently isn’t good enough people like YOU!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings and made you feel “disregarded”. If you knew me at all, you’d know that’s NOT how I roll. If this is “friendship”? No thanks, I’ll pass! And I especially don’t need “friends” who profess to be Christian followers of Jesus yet treat others this way. No grace? No compassion? NO THANK YOU! I’d rather be ALONE with my heart in the exact right place than “in the world” with people like you who could take me or fucking leave me. True friendships should neither be conditional nor contingent upon perfect behavior and impossibly high standards, up to and including “mind reading”. Walking on your eggshells doesn’t work for me anymore!
I was a damn good friend to you, and don’t you ever forget it! Or, DO. I don’t give a fuck! I did my very best to support all your endeavors and “situations” and have never been too busy to remember you, regardless of my struggles, and trust me, I’ve had some! I am fifty fucking ONE-derful years old now “friend”, and since you too forgot me on September 17th, I opened the candle I got when I didn’t forget you on August 8th and burned it for myself, alone, on my birthday! I deserve so much better than “I can take her or leave her”, or, “I’ll just punish her because she wasn’t clairvoyant enough to know the exact right thing to do for my situation.
So, with that, this is me … GHOSTING you! QUEENS DON’T TAKE SCRAPS FROM ANYONE! As a human being, I will always love you, but otherwise, you are DEAD to me!
It’s taken 421 days for me to finally wake up to the sobering reality of “widowed and alone“, and I think my heart has broken even more than it did on August 22, 2019.
Yesterday, I was very close to something that looked like the edge. I thought about checking myself into another, err, “spa” for a rest, but instead I’m opting to just run away for a while and salvage my inner “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR ;” on the road.
It’s funny how this whole “widowed” thing has worked. After all was said and done, it was my, or should I say, our closest “friends” who’ve all but ghosted me. Farewell to every one of them and c’est la flipping vie! Lol! If, as I believe, Zack is really watching all of this, he has got to be even more heartbroken than I am.
Thanks for forgetting to remember my wife and kid!
The real surprise, however, is the people who have not, some who were once total strangers. It’s the “friends from afar”, both in years and in miles, who haven’t forgotten to remember me. You know who you are, and I thank you from the deepest and vulnerable places of my heart!
For the record, I have and will always forgive the people who’ve forsaken me. I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? I’ve had to forgive the devil himself for the harm he brought to me and mine. That being said, I will never forget those who have checked in on me and my kids, asked if they can help in any way, or at least tried to get me out of this house for a meal, a cup of coffee, or some fresh air. I especially won’t forget the very small handful of people who remembered the day I was born!
But c’mon Cat … it’s COVID! That’s why I’ve been too busy to remember you. We all have full plates and problems of our own.
Yada, yada, yada! Yes, it’s fucking COVID and we all have problems of our own. This pandemic has not only devastated humanity physically, emotionally, and spiritually, but even more so clarified exactly who and what people are. Some have come together in unity, but many have drifted the fuck apart. Guess what, people? Even in all my grief, and even in all my sorrow and anguish, I’ve forgotten NO ONE in this “great awakening“!
So, with that, as I move forward in my journey alone, some of you have forged a place so deep in the fabric of my being that there are literally not enough words to credit you. When you call on me, I will ALWAYS answer! When you need me, I will always be there! Morning. Noon. Or the wee hours of the fucking night.
As for all you “ghosts” who forgot that even the brightest Lights still need an energy source to plug into and even the strongest people still need support? I will see you, and I will smile, and I will make all the small talk and pleasantries. Still, don’t you forget that I will always remember who was mindful of me and mine when our cards went down. Someday, when it’s your turn to journey all alone, maybe you’ll understand how it has felt to be me. Actually? I wouldn’t wish this on ANYONE!
Wait! Do I sound a little bitter? Umm, yah, I think I kinda am! You know me though … always keepin’ it real … and as for now … JUST WAITING FOR THE END TO COME!
Earlier today, I was wandering through the castle in search of the Mona Lisa and her faithful companion, only to find them “perched at their perch” atop of the staircase he built just for her. She was playing a favorite old album she’d scored at a treasure shop near our home on the Victrola she bought with her own money … because that’s just how she rolls. She was belting Bohemian Rhapsody out loud, and he was just howling right along. Seeing the two of them like that actually took my breathe away, and after I snapped this pic, I quietly slipped back to my room for one of my famous “panic chair” moments.
If you’ve ever seen The Blind Side (one of my favorite movies ever), you know exactly what I’m talking about. It was that moment when she found out that Michael had never had a bed of his own and became flooded with emotions she didn’t want him to see. She went to her room, sat quietly in her chair, and just “allow” herself” to cry for a minute. For all her endless and stoic strength, even she realized the importance of allowing herself whatever self-care and space were necessary to enable her to take care of her family. The funny thing is that I didn’t even realize I was doing “this chair thing” until he began noticing that whenever I was “flooding” with emotions, I’d disappear into our room then reappear a few minutes later. One night when we were watching the movie for the umteenth time in our season together, he finally pointed it out:
You know, honey, you do that, too … the crying in your chair in private thing! Did you think I didn’t know that’s what you do when you run back into our room? You let yourself fall apart so you can keep it all together for us. It’s one of my favorite things about you. You remind me of Leigh Anne so much.
These days, that’s what I’ve become. Strong, soft, endlessly stoic, and a sponge of emotions at once. No matter the landslide of whatever it is I’m feeling at any given moment, be it good, bad, or indifferent, sometimes I just have to sit down, take a breath, and let myself feel all of it!
The good news is that on this particular day, the search for two of the only loves left in my life that led me to find them in singsong was, indeed, one of my trues rhapsodies. I have truly been struggling with Zack’s suicide as of late. It’s not so much about the fact that’s he’s never coming home again as its coming to the sobering realization that although I’m not “lonely” being alone now, I am feeling forsaken and abandoned by many of the people I once believed were friends. This seemingly insignificant moment of Light in the darkness I am trying hard not to drown in these days helped me set things back into a renewed perspective. For this, I’m thankful …
… because it’s easy come, easy go, little high, little low. Any way the wind blows … doesn’t really matter … AT ALL!
The time really has come to break the silence. Although, by this point one can clearly see that I have long been relentlessly breaking silences all the while.
Indeed, there are so many truths behind the rage, insanity, and abyss that devourednot only my beautiful husband, but so many countless others that have walked this Earth “abandoned“. He was a man without a “mother”. It gave him “life”, sentenced him to death, then walked the fuck away!
… because SOME words are just MEANT to be strung together!
In these seemingly dark times, the world we live in makes it so easy to resist looking FAR beyond this place and selves for all the means and methods of mortal survival we could possibly know. What do we need God for? We can do everything on our own, right?
Please let me be “this one”, even on my worst days EVER! Sanctified. That’s what I meant. Let me be sanctified. Okay, that’s all. Oh, and by the way, thank You … for EVERYTHING!
Did anyone survive? I swear I heard Your beyond this side. Does anyone still try? Does anyone still hope to set their eyes beyond this place where angels fall and darkness reigns … where time dissolves the brightest flame ever the same? Whether I’m the last one alive or ascend before my time, better I’m the last one alive than a soul denied. So, this is how we break? And this is where we find the only hope within this place where angels fall and darkness reigns … where time dissolves the brightest flame ever the same?
Never forget that the more you suffer in training, the greater will be your victory on this battlefield of life. This is where you’ll find the only hope within this place “where angels fall, and darkness reigns, and time dissolves the brightest flame“. But you see, you have to command your own destiny, my friends, with the MOST powerful weapon you possess … YOUR MIND! Don’t cower to the devil, or the masses, or yourself.
Meanwhile, make it a good and powerful day my friends, and punctuate your atmosphere wisely. God, Himself, knows that’s what I’m gonna do. Tomorrow isn’t promised, so don’t run spend those “86,400” flippantly. In the meantime, just keep your eyes on the prize and never forget what’s coming next! Your eternal soul is counting on you to Light your own way through the tunnel.
‘Twas a beautiful afternoon that found me happily amidst my “Saturday circle of errands”, when suddenly I spied something on the side of the road, which of course I had to circle back around to, because that’s just what I do …
Did you see them? Aren’t they beautiful? Meanwhile, if you listen closely, you can hear me saying …
God is so good … It’s these cosmic intersections with my Creation, and my Creator, and the Galaxy, and this planet we live on … that’s what keeps it real for me!
An hour later, I posted this on my Instagram with the following caption:
It seems that once again I’d quickly intercepted the message behind that moment:
How cool was it that I’d wrapped up that ‘lil juncture in my mind so fluidly, and even more so that I understood that moment to be far more than just “vultures doing vulture stuff“?
That being said …
Another hour later, I was watching the video before sending it to Gia, who of course was sure to be as fascinated by feathered friends as I was. That’s when I spotted THIS:
Umm, WOW!
A song I hadn’t heard since last I’d heard it “402 days ago”, found its way to my cue, thus releasing a bittersweet memory that had been buried underneath all the ashes that I had no idea I actually needed to remember …
It was the Saturday before he left, August 17, 2019. When he got home from work, we went for a bite and to see “Hobbs & Shaw”, which unbeknownst to me was our last date night ever. When we got home, there was a very special song I wanted him to hear, so we sat in the driveway and listened to it. Under the circumstances, and knowing what we both knew was happening in his mind, these words cut us deeply as we sat in the car holding hands in silent tears:
I will run alone tonight without you by my side. I guess you had a place you had to get to. I know your eyes. I know inside the walls you hide behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. It’s taking all my will just to run alone. When are you coming home? Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. One day the earth will open wide, and I’ll follow you inside, ’cause the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will send my rocket ship to find you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Taking all my will just to run alone, until I bring you home. Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And if the sun grows cold for you along the way. And if the stars don’t line to light the way. And when you fall away and crash back down below. I’ll search the skies for you, and I’ll follow. I’ll be in your afterglow, and I’ll bring you home. {Starset}
If only I’d known the irony in just how deeply “these words” were cutting us both, but from completely different places. There was a monster living in his mind that was eviscerating any and all traces of the man we once knew to be our rock … and he knew it! He was becoming darker as every passing second, and his inability to overcome it was steadily severing the very last chords that were tethering “the him he was” to this Earth. As I’ve shared before, his decision to put down the monster he’d been hiding behind the mask had already been made, only I didn’t know how close we were to the end. Knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what he must have been thinking when he heard these words:
Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you.
In the end? He did what he felt he had to do, as not only was he in excruciating “screaming inside his head” pain and turmoil, he didn’t want to hurt us anymore.
Now here I am, “Saturday, September 19, 2020”. What started out as two vultures on the side of the road, which then led me to remember that indeed I am a “strong, confident, badass bitch”, somehow also reminded me of that August night 402 days ago, that song, and that bittersweet “last”, all of which now led me to hear “these words” from a much-needed hindsight:
I must run alone tonight without you by my side. I know you had a place you had to get to. I knew your eyes. I knew inside the walls you hid behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I knew you were lost when you ran away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Now I’ll use my will just to run alone. You’re never coming home. Even though the sky did fall. Even if though they took it all. There’s no pain that He didn’t go through … you knew He had to die for you. And now that all the fires burned, and everything is overturned, there’s no more that you’ll have to go through … because He already died for you. One day the Earth it opened wide … I couldn’t follow you inside … and now the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will take my rocket ship to find you. And though the Sun grew cold for you along the way, and the stars didn’t line to light the way. And though you fell away and crashed back down below … I’ll search the skies for you … I’ll be in your afterglow until I get Home.
So, with that, I part with this: “On The 5th Day”, in a far away space and time, God said …
Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let fowl fly above the Earth in the open firmament of Heaven.
As well on that day do I think He also said …
… and it’s these cosmic intersections with My Creation AND two magnificent vultures I shall create that she will need one day … not only to help her keep it real … but to help her keep on shining My Light.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you this before, but I’m God’s actual favorite daughter and a rising queen of the most magnanimous power and grace that there ever was or ever will be. I’m also absolutely NOTHING, which kinda makes me everything, and I’m the most blessed human woman that has ever walked this Earth.
No, just kidding. But seriously. Today is my birthday … “Fifty-ONE-Derful” years old! Indeed, I am “FIFTY-ONE-DERFUL”! With that, I want to share something special that happened in my cosmos in the last 24 hours, and as I’m writing this, I’ve got “Butterfly Kisses” playing in the background, and yes, I’m in tears …
It’s probably not much of a surprise to anyone that I either was, or wasn’t, depending on which moment you’d have asked, looking forward to celebrating myself this year. Although technically this is my second birthday without him, given the fact that at this time last year I was just 27 days post “YOU KNOW” and still being severely medicated to actual physical numbness, I am actually considering this to be my first true “birthday without him”.
Happy birthday, me! You’re now a WIDOW!
Truth being told, as I’ve powered down the road no one ever wants to walk and risen so far above all these ashes, there came a point this year when I was determined to CELEBRATE “Fifty-ONE-Derful” in an obnoxiously spectacular way! I’d even gone so far as to ASK for someone to throw me a party, which was so unlike me that there really are no words … except to say that if you know me at all, you know that I don’t like to celebrate my own birthday. In my mind, however, I more than deserved an obnoxious celebration, especially given the fact that my my big “FIVE-0” last year was anything but golden! Instead of standing before The Lion Of Lucerne during what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime he had planned and paid for one full year in advance, I spent the vast majority of that day laying in bed alone just staring at the urn on my nightstand.
But you see, if there was just one thing you should know about my husband, it was that both of our birthdays, mine and Gia’s, were all but national holidays in our home. Not a year went by in the ten years we had him “healthy” that he didn’t pour every ounce of his heart, soul and whatever resources he had at to make sure that “his girls” were celebrated emphatically for all that we meant to his existence. Keep in mind that until he had “us”, no one really celebrated him on his birthday, and that, my friends, is one of the most painful, tragic truths that still haunts me to this day. That “thing” that gave birth to him didn’t even remember the day he was born.
Keep in mind that I am very much aware that under the circumstances, “birthdays” this year must have stunk for everyone … not just me. COVID-19 crashed all of our parties and celebrations. I was still a little bummed, though, if not downright sorry for myself as I was sulking in my room yesterday just staring at his urn:
Then, I closed my eyes and fell asleep praying to God that I could just zap myself back to two years ago yesterday. THEN IT HAPPENED! It was the birthday gift I never saw coming or knew I was gonna need! In the midst of my nap, in the darkened room with my husband’s ashes beside me, the angel I call daughter had quietly found her way to the side of my bed, adjusted my blanket, then leaned over to gently kiss my forehead.
As I’ve said so many times before, there are so many parts of our parts of this journey we are on that no one will ever truly understand. So many delicate conversations that we have yet to have, and maybe we never will. Things she knows. Things I know. Things we both just have to be okay “knowing” may never be spoken about at all. The complications with Zack’s insanity have forced us to have to nurture some of each other’s wounds quietly, so, her checking on me yesterday the way that she did was the most precious “unspoken” nurturing of all. She didn’t and still doesn’t know that I was aware of what she did, but it happened nonetheless.
And just like that, my former worry that I’d never be celebrated again hit the floor in the best way possible … kinda like my heart did when she gifted me with exactly what I needed at exactly the perfect time! Perhaps the greatest irony here is that even as I’m writing this, she, too, is a little disappointed in herself because she wasn’t able to do anything special for my birthday. Gia, I’m not sure when you’ll finally begin reading this “love letter” I’m writing to you and your brother, but when that day comes, please know THAT I KNOW exactly what you did yesterday when you thought I was asleep! You did do something special for me, if not one of the most special things of my last “Fifty-One-Derful” years. I love you, Mona Lisa, and I see you.
Today, I intersected with another mom who has also buried a child, which turned out to be kinda cool! By now I hope you realize that my intention with this Diary is never to make you sad. “Sad” just isn’t for me, and although I’ve had more than my fair share of it, I choose not to dwell on it for too long. My intention here is only to remind you that we all have the power to earn an invisible cloak just like the one my favorite “not really a superhero SUPERHERO” dons! You know who I’m talking about, right?
BATMAN!
We’re all superheroes, my friends … some of us just don’t know it yet. I mean, let’s be honest – no parent should have to bury their child. It’s just not the natural order. None of us should have to bury anyone EVER! But having done so myself way too many times to count by now, then lived, survived, RISEN and THRIVED to tell about it? I’m here to tell you that although I didn’t quite realize it at the time, my tiny angel’s death was the catalyst to all the best and most endearing parts of what my human spirit could truly withstand and become.
I’m a living, breathing “Dark Knight Of LIGHT” who’s found the strength, courage, and determination to rise above the demons, conflicts, and chaos I’d internalized at different points that tried to take me down, which for the record, is exactly what makes Batman so relatable to me. He’s the only superhero of the historic thousands whose secret identity IS his mask. Whereas, Clark Kent and Peter Parker wear the masks of Superman and Spider-Man, Bruce Wayne is the mask for Batman. He’s a mortal “super human” hiding in plain site, with a list a mile long of perfectly matched villains that took him to the rails against personal weaknesses that eventually became his strengths.
Two-Face challenged the duality of his personality and the two different paths Fate offered. Poison Ivy challenged his struggle with lust and temptation. Scarecrow challenged his struggle with fear. The Riddler challenged the power of his mind. And Joker? Fuhgettabout it! The greatest fictional anarchist of all times held Batman for ransom against his longing for justice and order.
How awesome is it that a cosmic collision with another grieving mom not only made me smile, but also reminded of how effing proud I am of the cloak I wear that no one sees!
The “Dark Knight Of Light” … That’s me … AND you!
Never forget to remind yourself that YOU’RE a bad ass superhero who has triumphed over SO many things – regardless of whether anyone’s acknowledged it! We gotta keep shining our Lights on our OWN heads … because … it’s the right thing to do and we’re allowed to!
My “surface level only” policy where relationships are concerned is fast becoming a sham and I desperately need to make the words therein my letter to her real. In the meantime, I’m still alive, though not-so-well here in my beautiful ivory tower as I continue my rule over a magical kingdom where everything appears to be perfect. “Queen Catherine The Perfect”: Perfect life … perfect family … perfect house … perfect car … perfectly happy, with all the perfect things that accompany my perfection. I’m the envy of every woman I know, covered in diamonds from head to toe, with a loving husband by my side at every turn (or so it seems). I play this perfect role so that my family remains happy and blissfully unscathed by all the secrets from my past, and so the painful memories I have yet to leave behind don’t interfere with their lives in any way.
It seems like only yesterday when a stranger took my innocence, and since that moment Fate has continued to rape me. It’s been just about a year since I entered that hospital, spirit broken, but body still somewhat whole. One week later I walked back out, leaving behind the last remnants of what once made me a woman. The physical scars that I wear now are now clear and tactile proof that I am nothing but an empty shell. These years were not imagined – they were real! At night sometimes I cry, grasping my pillow tightly so the precious baby girl sleeping beside me doesn’t hear. Then in morning I awake and prepare myself for the day that awaits and walk out of my bedroom an illusion. My children greet me with their glorious smiles, ignorant to my pain, and this is the way it is.
You’d have to know what my prayers look like every hour on the hour to know how much it meant to me when the only man left in this world who’s ever really loved me (and perhaps the only one left who ever will) who “speaks to me in song” sent me this poignant message:
I will not let you down. I won’t be cause for harm. So, today I will do better, and I sure hope this can heal.
I have suffered and risen from MANY losses that would have devoured most by now. I had to watch the best human man I’ve possibly ever known literally “dying out loud“. But THIS loss I don’t think I could bare. Which is why this message from him means everything to me … absolutelyeverything!
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.
{Elisabeth Kübler-Ross}
…. when it’s 365 days later and your formerly “shattered heart” has healed in ways that are still yet to fathom, such that now, as you’re sifting through the “9 years of joy in his eyes”, you are simply and unspeakably THANKFUL!
I’m thankful for the honor of getting to be the ONLY two girls he ever gave his heart to, and that we were his first and last of EVERYTHING:
After realizing how I really felt about Gia as my child and realizing that no one in my life ever felt that for me it hit me that you were the first and only person in my life that ever truly loved me, chose me as THE top priority in their life and fought to help me get over myself but also fought to protect me from anything and everything harmful or defamatory including myself. Even though you didn’t do it for me you brought my daughter in to this world and promoted that relationship that I didn’t even know that I wanted and needed so bad until now. You made me a parent and it turned out that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me next to falling in love with you and your daughter. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for fostering my relationship with Gia and being there for me even when I was impossible to live with. I don’t deserve a lot of the things you have done and been for me and I will always owe you for everything.
This has been all but impossible to digest and nope, I will never turn a corner or look in any direction and not hear the sounds of their laughter, the traces of their smiles, or feel the bond that they shared in my atmosphere.
I’m here again, a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess – just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own. I’ve lost so much along the way. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole. I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am. Like puzzle pieces in Your eye. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole! I tried so hard! So hard! {Red}
It was a super early morning as we awoke to a 4:30am alarm for a 5:00am departure to her 5:30am practice. While Gia was getting ready, I popped on to Instagram to find the picture above which literally hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, just before waking, I’d been enjoying a blissfully enchanted slumber, during which my husband had conveyed an message to me in the most surreal of ways.
It washim. I just know it! I could smell his skin, sense his touch, and feel his breathe on my face. While I won’t go into detail, because believe it or not there are many things I’ll keep safe inside the most private places of my heart, in this fantasy he had been shadowing me as I moved from one house to another.
He was there … but he wasn’t. I could see him … but I couldn’t. Yet, at every turn I’d made that day, his presence was lingering behind me in a haunting but not frightening way. At the end, what had ’til then only been an eclipse of his presence, turned into his physical body. There we both stood tightly embraced with our hands locked together when I asked this most profound question:
I know where you are … I believe it in my heart … but I just NEED to hear you say it. Am I right? Are you There now? WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY?
I didn’t hear his voice, as he never spoke a word, but, indeed, he communicated in the sacred “1-2-3 hand squeeze” we’d shared during our season. His answer to my question was emphatic: “One squeeze for yes”, not “two squeezes for no”, right on cue to my prompt.
As this first year without him has all but flown by, I’ve made absolute peace with his suicide. The heartbreaking pain of his manytragic truths was so far beyond sobering that it still reduces me to tears to sit with. Unless or until you’ve born the cross of seeing a person dying out loud in the egregious way that he did, you couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of relief I felt upon the release of his mortal shackles. He had held on for dear life as long as he possibly could until the day he died, but when the end of his darkness finally settled in, Fate stepped in with the blow.
Still, let’s go back to how this morning with Gia even started. We’d backed out of the garage to find ourselves greeted by a bright orange moon on fire and ethereal setting in the field that abuts our driveway. We were in such connected tangent that it was alarming, but also comforting. The intrinsic conversation that soon availed tapped directly into our understandings of “all of this”, yet far beyond our simply dimensioned minds have yet to fathom. She knows what I know, and I know what she knows, which is ALL either of us needs to know. It’s so powerful.
Keep in mind that the first song that cued up when the engine started today was “Remember Everything“. That had to have meant something … I just knew it! Sufficed to say, though, that neither of us can listen to it now without being reminded of everything we remember about not just our lives, but Zack’s and Christian’s as well. But here’s where it gets even more interesting. After I’d dropped her off and was headed home, that other song I love to hate found it’s way to my speakers:
The Tragic Truth.
IT DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY THIS TIME! Instead, I just smiled as I rolled on down the road with my gaze fixed hard into the sky from which I heard his voice serenading me with those tragically truthful words:
It’s the demons I’ve created for myself … the Tragic Truth … it’s hard for me to understand myself, so it has to be hard as hell for you.
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was everything! Even as I write this I’m smiling again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him, know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. No more voices screaming inside his head.
My “circadian life” is so much bigger than I will ever know, and my adventure still isn’t over. All it took was one cryptic message from The Cosmos to remind me, yet again, that I’m an incredibly blessed widow. In case I’ve never said this, let me say it now: I truly believe that I’m God’s favorite daughter, even despite the many circumstances in my life that seem to prove otherwise. For this, I am as eternally grateful as I am for the true and immense love I still feel that continually travels the distance from from light years away.
One of our favorite traditions was the once-a-year pilgrimage to the harbor at Lake Ray Hubbard in Rockwall to take “The Picture”. It started by happen chance several years ago when Gia was around age seven. We’d stopped into The Bass Pro Shop that abuts the harbor to simply visit the aquariums we’d heard about, at which point we’d decided to take a walk to the end of the pier. As was par for the course, although our little ball of energy and sunshine was always bouncing at least ten steps ahead of us wherever we went, she was never out of his sight. On that day, however, he was going to make damn good and sure she didn’t get too far ahead and fall into the water, so he grabbed her sticky little hand and walked her down. Thus … “The Picture” was born. The plan had long been that we would take the same picture year after year to memorialize the progression of her growth, then eventually end with “the final picture” of the two of them in her gown on her wedding day, at which point her husband could take it from there.
Unfortunately, as I have said before, it wasn’t too far into 2019 that Zack’s descent began to avail itself. Sure, we’d had our good days – and plenty of them. But with everything that was going on, somehow the trek down to the pier never happened. So, on this day, the two of us made a poignant decision together: “Let’s go to Red Robin (one of his favorite places to eat) then down to the pier to take the picture in his honor, then keep taking it year after year.”
So, WE DID IT! There she stood, alone and overcome with emotion, and we did it! Only, then there was a twist. A very talented friend of mine took the original picture of them on the pier and spliced him into the picture of her standing alone. Not only was it probably one of the best ideas I’ve ever had, but I’ve also now decided to keep doing the same thing, year after year, until, you guessed it – HER WEDDING DAY!
It’s been a long and sobering year for us my friends. Am I strong? Of course I am! I was forged under pressure and fire! What you see with me is as real as it gets. Am I absolutely refusing to let him down by seeing us fall apart? YUP! That has never been an option, nor will it ever … because … despite the unspeakable realities at the end that are now mine and my daughter’s, that king loved us with everything he had before he got sick, and believe or not, even in his sickness. So, with that, we are both choosing to only hold on to the good stuff and just leave out all the rest. THIS is how we will “remember him” always.
PLEASE REMEMBER ME
When all our tears have reached the sea. Part of you will live in me way down deep inside my heart. The days keep coming without fail. A new wind is gonna find your sail. That’s where your journey starts. You’ll find better love, strong as it ever was, deep as the river runs, warm as the morning Sun. Please remember me. Just like the waves down by the shore, we’re gonna keep on coming back for more, ’cause we don’t ever wanna stop. Out in this brave new world you seek … o’er the valleys and the peaks … and I can see you on the top. Remember me when you’re out walkin’. When snow falls high outside your door. Late at night when you’re not sleepin’ and moonlight falls across your floor, when I can’t hurt you anymore. {Tim McGraw}
There’s a light in you that tears me down to nothing. There’s an angel in your eyes. There’s a hope inside that you can make it better. You see right through my disguise. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. I won’t let you down when the seasons change. I won’t go down. I’ll fight through the pain. I’ll be there right by your side. I’ll never let them bring you down when the seasons change.
There’s a hope in me that I will die for something. Was the fire in my eyes? All this pain inside. Will it be this way forever? I can run but I can’t hide. When it rains it pours, and everybody stumbles. I won’t let them bring you down. When the seasons change and we’re in for colder weather, look for me on The Divide.
Don’t you see? None of this is about you! It has NEVER been about you! IT’S ABOUT THEM! Not just your babies … all the lives you’ll have touched before your time is done … if only for a season. Your greatest treasure and greatest triumph are in knowing just how truly insignificant you really are in the bigger picture of it all. Your “valuelessness” is your greatest value! Your “powerlessness” is your greatest power!
It started out as such a beautiful day as we awoke to a bright blue sky, ate breakfast together, worked out together, then split up for the day so that Zack could see his therapist and Gia and I could go run some errands. He seemed happy. Genuinely happy. We’d been working SO hard to keep his head above the water, and I, the eternal optimist, was counting on the fact that everything was going to be okay and we were going to get him out of the darkness. How little did I know that the darkness was truly settling in all around us.
At just after 2pm, while the rest of the world was just turnin’ and Gia and I were shopping, playing, and getting ready for our “double date” with the boys, the love of my life and one of the MOST beautiful souls I’ve ever known was standing at the Cabella’s counter just a few parking lots away buying the Springfield handgun he used to end his life 14 days later.
PLEASE stop what you are doing right now and take a good look around. I implore you to pay attention and take nothing and NO ONE for granted. One of those faces you see either standing right beside you or faded into the crowd just may in fact be the “happy, smiling face” of a human being who is secretly dying inside … especially during times like these.
Studies are showing that as “Atlas has been falling“, social isolation, anxiety, uncertainty, chronic stress, and dire economic difficulties have led to both the development and exacerbation of depression, substance abuse, and a host of other mental illnesses. Given that stress-related psychiatric conditions are often associated with suicidal behavior, it’s no surprise that the suicide rate has skyrocketed.
I find no coincidence in the sobering and twisted fact that while unbeknownst to me, my husband was enacting the tragic plan to end his own life, I was making an entirely different kind of plan later that same night to help slay dragons and demons of my own:
As I’ve become passionate about raising mental health awareness with all my waves and ripples, this particular post that I wrote in a widely read question and answer forum I contribute to is my most prolific pieces so far:
I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection”. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. Thank you for the kind words and vast support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness or anyone else’s have been in vain.
At over 150,000 views and 6,000 “shares” and counting in virtually every country and language, while “this day” in my life will always remain a truly bittersweet part of my story, I REFUSE to let this fucked up, “fate-filled” moment in our family’s history have been in vain. It will not define me as a victim, because I am CHOOSING to see it as a “Lions Gate Portal” to manifesting something truly powerful from it’s wreckage.
The Diary Of My Perfection 