FEBRUARY 25, 2020: “Changing Tomorrow” …

February 25, 2020February 25, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

SECRETS MAKE YOU SICK!

There is NO way for me to properly express the depth of my gratitude for the love, support, and faith you’re all pouring into me not only here in The Diary, but in other forums such as Quora, where I’m sharing not only my journey, but the fallen king’s as well.

My reach is growing stronger by the minute, and I’m consumed by a burning fire in my heart when I open my statistics every morning to find that people literally all over the world are reading my words. I’m getting messages daily, from again, all over the world, and what is resonating loudly is that people are relating to all the best and worst parts of my life and being inspired to try and make some changes of their own and step out of their own silent darkness. All I’ve ever wanted is for other broken people to realize the power and potential of their own strong warrior hearts and find the courage to not only survive … but THRIVE!

I can’t stay chained to my secrets …

…and neither can you! The secret pain, anguish, heartache, and trauma we keep buried within our hearts is nothing short of a 30,000 pound anchor that not only keeps our ships bound to the turbulent seas that some of us end up drowning in, but also keeps us from ever reaching safe harbor. As for me? My most life-altering, traumatic and darkest “secret” has still yet to be revealed by the way, because frankly, I’m just not ready to reveal it. I’m working with God directly on that one and together we will both know when it’s time for my “biggest reveal”. But in the meantime …

I can change … I can change tomorrow!

All of YOU are helping me do that and I pray that my words will help you change your own tomorrow if that’s what you need to do. Again, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR SUPPORTING ME. My best to everyone reading this … MAKE IT A POWERFUL DAY!

CHANGE TOMORROW

For the first time in years there’s a light up ahead. It’s calling. (It’s pulling me closer) Reborn within. Now I’m shedding my skin. It’s falling. (The weight off my shoulders) ‘Cause I can’t stay chained to my secrets. No, I can’t stay. I’m bound by my regrets. I can’t erase all of my errors. Those days are gone forever. I can change, I can change tomorrow. I can change, I can change tomorrow. On my knees in the rain with my head hung in shame, just crawling, stalling. (All alone in my ways) Memories I can’t erase. Faces I couldn’t face haunt me. (My life lay to waste). ‘Cause I can’t stay chained to my secrets. No, I can’t stay. I’m bound by my regrets. I need a break. It’s now or never. Yesterday’s gone forever. I can change, I can change tomorrow. I can change, I can change tomorrow. For all the years of emptiness. For all of my mistakes. For all the years I’ve thrown it all away. It’s not too late. {Like A Storm}

FEBRUARY 24, 2020: “Life Must Go On” …

February 24, 2020November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I was at the Social Security office today handling the business that no one ever really wants to handle: “Widowed. Meanwhile, while I was waiting for my number to be called I decided to clean out my wallet because not only was I bored out of my mind, there was no wi-fi there, so, tag, “cleaning out my wallet” was it!

So, guess what I found tucked tucked away in a space in the wallet that I didn’t realize existed? A love note from my husband that he had hidden for me to find! As shocked as I was, I wasn’t really that shocked at all. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do things like this. I have an entire treasure trove of the cards and love notes he would hide for me during our season.

For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death did us part … and EVEN beyond?

You see, that was just his way. He wanted me to know I was his queen and how grateful he was that it was I, and no one else, who gave him the love, family, and only real home he’d ever had and had been searching for all his life.

He gave me this wallet on Valentine’s Day last year, and looking back I do remember both the referenced back pain and the argument I’d had with my mom. So, he must have hidden it sometime at the end of March. My husband was, indeed, struggling at that point and slowly descending downward, but there were still very clear traces of “him” that existed. Someday, when I’m ready, I’ll go back and revisit “the descent“, but in the meantime …

Yes, I’m a warrior. Yes, I’m “a survivor”. But even warriors cry, and you know what? THAT’S OKAY! What kind of queen would I be without moments like today that I literally cry my eyes out to the point of nausea because I miss my fallen king, who lost his damn mind, and left me all alone on this throne that he gave me with a broken heart and a hurting and traumatized princess? I’d be a pretty heartless one I suppose. One thing I know for sure about myself is that my heart is bigger than the ocean. I’m an empath, to boot, so, yes, sometimes I cry. But then I wipe my tears, straighten my crown, yes, my life must go on! I’m pretty stubborn that way if you haven’t figured it out by now, and also? GOD! Just God. I know He was crying with me this afternoon, and I know he was smiling when I got right back up the way I did! “That’s my girl”, He said, and hopefully so did Zack. I am loved. Still. Always. Eternally.

LIFE MUST GO ON

Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. It only reminds you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way, but Hope is not gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal, and joy seemed to last? Yesterday. Forever is gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. It must go on. We have our misfortunes. The darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning. The promise awaits. And know that this life must go on.” {Alter Bridge}

FEBRUARY 23, 2020: “Until They’re Safe Inside” …

February 23, 2020November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Facebook “Memories”.

Dear GOD, how I do love them so! They’re always so bittersweet, especially in the wake of that August 22nd, 2019 “memory” that I love to hate so much. Three years ago today, I wrote these words:

That moment you become a blubbering mess and thank GOD that you were lucky enough to bear certain crosses, because at the end of the day you may have lost some skin, but definitely ended up becoming real. And after all, isn’t “real” the only mark you want to touch the world with and the legacy you most want to leave for your children? “Please let me reach just one …”. I love you Sheyenne. To the Moon and back, always have, always will, and you will never NOT be one of “mine”. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Of course, I had to “repost it” today, as it’s still one of the happiest memories of my life so far, and as I said, every single time I read what she wrote on the back of that picture she sent it still brings tears to my eyes AND reinforces why it is that I do what I do. This particular kiddo of mine and I share a very special bond (she was my son’s first true love and high school sweetheart). She was then and is now like an actual daughter to me, and so is her big sister by the way. I love them both beyond measure, just as I love ALL “my kids”. No matter how far away they go, they always know they have a safe place and another home with this Momma Cat.

My kids can tell me anything, and trust me when I say that I’ve heard absolutely everything! I hear and listen to them without judgment or unnecessary harsh criticism and only offer my honest wisdom and advice when they ask for it. In my halo, my kids and their feelings are validated, accepted, and embraced in all things, which, for the record, is exactly what I needed when I was younger, and exactly who I’m trying to be for them now that I’m older.

“Safe Inside” is a special song to me in this regard, and every time I hear it I think of every one of them – “my kids” (the ones I gave birth to and the ones who I’ve been blessed to have call me “mom”). These days when I hear it, though, it I also think of my husband, and hope that he’s finally made it safely “Home“. Although I, myself, have clearly fallen down at times in ways that some of you may never truly know, much less understand, as sick as he was at the very end, he left here having truly known “real love” as well, and for that I am equally as blessed and grateful to have been the one to make that happen for him before he had to go. In the meantime, I will not rest until I know that all the people I love in this world are “safe inside”, both physically and metaphorically.

SAFE INSIDE

I remember when you were all mine. Watched you changing in front of my eyes. What can I say? Now that I’m not the fire in the cold. Now that I’m not the hand that you hold as you’re walking away. Will you call me to tell me you’re alright? ‘Cause I worry about you the whole night. Don’t repeat my mistakes, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you’re home, I just hope that you’re sober. Is it time to let go now you’re older? Don’t leave me this way, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. Everyone has to find their own way. And I’m sure things will work out okay. Always start with the Truth. All we know is the Sun will rise. Thank your lucky stars that you’re alive. It’s a beautiful life. Oh, will you call me to tell me you’re alright? ‘Cause I worry about you the whole night. Don’t repeat my mistakes, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you’re home, I just hope that you’re sober. Is it time to let go now you’re older? Don’t leave me this way, I won’t sleep ’til you’re safe inside. If you make the same mistakes, I will love you either way. All I know is I can’t live without you. There is nothing I can say that will change you anyway darling, I could never live without you. I can’t live, I can’t live, no, no. {James Arthur}

FEBRUARY 22, 2020: “In The Deep” …

February 22, 2020October 9, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because sometimes a song is all I really need to say everything I need to say. As of the moment I’m writing this, it’s exactly five months to the day that my life took a dive into the abyss. At quarter ’til midnight, I’ll probably have that gut-punch of a flash inside my head that I still can’t seem to shake, but I know that I’ll be okay. I’ll just cycle through the gauntlet and land right back on my feet, just like I do every day, because I’m a Warrior QUEEN with a “ghost gang” of actual angels that ride or die with me always.

I SURVIVE!

I still believe that I’m the luckiest woman alive and God’s actual favorite daughter. Truth being told, I’ve never felt closer to God than I have these last months, and my relationship with Him has been my ultimate saving grace. That, my friends, is the ONLY Truth I’ll ever need.

With that, my “186th day” prayer tonight is that everyone I love, anyone who’s life I touch, and anyone who is reading these words right now somehow reaches this divinely appointed place called “nirvana” that I have so that they never have to deep dive all alone.

IN THE DEEP

I am still as the moment I hold in my hand. I can’t let go. Here and now, time and space, the illusion so grand. And then I know every breath leads the way. My escape, it is never far when I fall in the deep with You. I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek, let it lift my heavy heart. So alive, every rise, every fall brings me back to where I must go. All that I’ll ever need is this moment to get me by when I fall in the deep. With You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. When I fall in the deep, with You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. {Alter Bridge}

FEBRUARY 20, 2020: “If That’s What It Takes” …

February 20, 2020April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Today was an important day for me, if not one of the most important decision-making days of not only my life, but my the kids’ lives as well. I won’t go into details of what exactly this decision was, but trust me when I tell you – it was a biggie! As I made the drive from home to downtown Dallas, it was a crisp, cold, insanely beautiful morning with a sky bright blue and clear. Yet, as sure that I was that the decision I was making was the right one, I spent the entire drive there talking out loud to God, my angels, my husband, and pretty much anyone “beyond here” who was listening.

I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!

I was begging for an answer,

Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?

Even after I parked and was headed into the building and up the elevator, I was reaching out to the Cosmos for, “please, just ONE little sign?” STILL CRICKETS! Even so, all was well, because I knew that Zack’s best friend, rock, truest confidant, and the only human man he ever trusted and looked to as a father in all things big or small was already there waiting waiting for me to help guide me through the process. Just his presence alone was enough to set me completely at ease.

When I finally made it to the office where the woman I was meeting with was waiting, I sat down beside Rick and the fun began. By the second hour in, our partnership had commenced, at which point Rick had to leave. Research was being done, calls were being made, and forms being prepared for my signature while I just sat there patiently in my chair watching all the magic. This woman was was literally planning not just my future, but my childrens’.

Meanwhile, as I was gazing around her office at all the “things“, it felt as though I was in my very own world. Then, as I glanced over to a table with a vignette of personal pictures and trinkets she had on display, it happened! The sign I had BEGGED “Them” to show me all but dropped right down from Heaven! A little silver frog with a crown on his head was sitting right before my eyes! I almost came out of my skin! And just like that I was yet again reminded that this God I serve is so faithful.

Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?”

No, Papa, You don’t. You’ve been making a believer out of me since I first realized I was broken, and while I’ve clearly known this all the while, this moment between us was unbelievable. You just keep showing me … and showing UP for me … in all things big and small. I want You to know that I’m thankful for ALL OF THIS, and I know You’re planning to use it for Your glory. Thank you for never letting me down and never letting me go. I love You.

IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

You say you fell out of love with no place to stand. You say your heart’s on the mend from a broken romance. You say you don’t want to trust because it hurts too much. And you think I’d never understand. Tell me what have I got to do to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You say, you don’t need my love but I know it’s a lie. You say I shouldn’t even try. Tell me what have I got to lose to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You need me to turn the tide of your ocean. Let me set your heart back into motion. {Clay Crosse}

FEBRUARY 17, 2020: “He Told The Stars” …

February 17, 2020October 2, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

"I Told The Stars" — ~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

Gia and I watched “The Shack” again last night, which by the way, if you haven’t seen it, I cannot recommend it enough.

It’s the fictional fictional story of an abominable if not unforgivable tragedy that causes a father to sink into a deep depression and question everything about his faith until he receives a mysterious letter that insights his journey to “a shack” that reignites his bludgeoned soul back to The Truth.

When it first hit the box office in March of 2017, Zack, Gia, Christian, and I went to see it together. I had already read the book when I was at The Meadows, and then again on one of my scoots up to Kansas, but when I heard about the movie release, I immediately bought our tickets, because I needed them all to see it.

It was a powerful night for the four of us as a family, and like many others in the theatre that night, we all just sat silently in tears until well after the lights came on and the clean-up crew started their sweep. It seemed to hit Christian the hardest, and at one point, the other three of us were huddled around him in his seat just holding him as he was literally crying his eyes out.

Meanwhile, one of the most powerful parts of the movie for me was a song I love called “Stars”, by Skillet. It’s about the blind faith of a true believer who trusts that God is in control of everything. That’s me … hands down … without question, hesitation, or doubt.

I KNOW HE’S GOT THIS!

Those who know me well know that I’m a gamut of emotions that often mimic a gauntlet. I can be kind and loving, empathetic and caring, and fiercely protective of those who are in my bubble. I can also be a raging, angry, LUNATIC of a bitch with a vicious tongue that will take you to your knees if you’re the one facing the truth in my words. I will and have forgiven anyone “human” 200% of the time, but never shall I forget those who’ve hurt me or mine.

My point in all this being that although I can appear extremely dark at times, and as God Himself is my witness, I live, breathe, and will die by the message of Hope in this song. So, please don’t let my dark side poke holes in the truth of my testimony. At the end of the day, I’m still just a broken person who wants to live a life of use to others and is trying her best to be as “Light” as possible under any circumstance.

If you are struggling in the darkness with brokenness, depression, or a shaky faith of your own, please listen to the words of this song. God may have His hands full with all the big stuff … BUT … He does know who you are. He does know your name. He does bear your pain. He does cry when you cry. And please don’t forget to let yourself cry as my son did in that theater as often as necessary so that you can release any internalized pain that’s keeping you from taking flight:

By the way, it’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s certainly okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s such a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest: JOHN 11:35: Jesus wept. CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream out loud! Do whatever you must to let yourself feel everything that has hurt you so you can finally let it go!

{“REOPENING A GIFT ~ APRIL 21, 2008“}

Look at me, people! Shouldn’t I be curled up in a ball right now in the aftermath of what happened 180 days ago? Been there. Done that. I’ve run off and hid in “my shack” way too many times to count, but He comes looking for me EVERY time!! He always has and always will, and that, my friends, is The Truth.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep looking to the stars and praying that the king of my heart who was never able to resolve the pain that had been devouring him for the entirety of his life has been given an even better set of wings and THE best Guide of all to lead him to his shack in Heaven.

STARS

You spoke a word and life began. Told oceans where to start and where to end. You set in motion time and space. But still You come, and You call to me by name. But still You come, and You call to me by name. If You can hold the stars in place, You can hold my heart the same. Whenever I fall away. Whenever I start to break. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. The deepest depths, the darkest nights. Can’t separate, can’t keep me from Your sight. I get so lost, forget my way. But still, You love and You don’t forget my name. If You can hold the stars in place, You can hold my heart the same. Whenever I fall away. Whenever I start to break. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. If You can calm the raging sea, You can calm the storm in me. You’re never too far away. You never show up too late. So here I am, lifting up my heart to The One who holds the stars. Your love has called my name. What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear? Your love has called my name. What do I have to fear? What do I have to fear? {Skillet}

FEBRUARY 10, 2020: “My Reasons” …

February 10, 2020February 10, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

THIS is my reason “why”!

Her opinion of me is all that matters. Thank God I have this rising phoenix of a daughter to reinforce this truth when life and the careless and clueless people in it try to make me feel like anything less than who I am …

A QUEEN!

My well-intended and MUCH needed family time on a rare occasion tonight when I could have ALL of my tribe together in one space ended up going down in flames after some abhorrently selfish FORMER “friends” turned clients said these less than impeccable words to me:

You DO KNOW that when you CHOSE to become a real estate agent that THIS is the life you signed up for, don’t you? You need to be working 24/7, nights AND weekends. OUR best interest should come before your own.

(“Anthony & Diane Massa”)

Then, out of the blue, this text from the Mona Lisa showed up and changed everything. She’s right! Zack did used to say, “real estate shouldn’t make you cry”. After reading what she wrote, I actually “heard” him saying it.

I really am Wonder Woman! I am awesome at my job! I do work 24/7, weekdays AND nights, even more so now that I’m a widowed, single mom, and “the man of the house”. I knew exactly what I signed up for when I became a real estate agent, so, ZERO devaluation of me as a person or professional shall there be! It’s unacceptable, gross, and never will I allow someone to speak to me that way again!

With that, I will pick my face up off the ground and start fresh again in the morning. As I lay my head down tonight, though, I am mindful of this most important fact: My kids’ opinions of me is all that matters! Well, their opinions of me and mine! Leave it to a child to fill my empty cup back up with water.

These former “friends” could take a good lesson in how to be impeccable with their Jean-Claude Van DAMN shitty “toy guns“. With that, I drop the words to yet another one of my favorite songs to my beautiful children, who are, indeed, “my reasons”:

I’m not a perfect person. There’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so, I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new … and the reason is you! I’m sorry that I hurt you. It’s something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through … I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears.

FEBRUARY 9, 2020: “I Can’t Afford Therapy” …

February 9, 2020April 27, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

First of all, I am sorry that you are struggling this way. And if you truly have no other resources, there are two things I can suggest: Music; “Open forums” such as this. I believe that finding and listening to ALL types of music can often help a person get to the root of what is really eating them up inside and then maybe even empower them to rise above all of it. Music is a way of singing to yourself, saying “love words and thoughts” to yourself, and hey, in certain cases, even SCREAMING TO YOURSELF (and other people or relationships in your life that you may be struggling on the inside but don’t feel comfortable enough to say certain things “out loud or to their face”). Second, these “open forums”, such as Quora, are indeed a good resource. Keep looking for the answers you are searching here and you will perhaps find that not only are you not as alone as you may have originally thought, but, that the vast majority of the population does truly care anout one another and wants to see others stick around. We all need one another … even a bunch of random strangers such as “here”. Take care of yourself friend. Keep the faith. Chin up. You are worth so much more than anything less than the very best thoughts and acts of kindness for YOU!

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

FEBRUARY 9, 2020: “Be Like Good Cat And NEVER Change!” …

February 9, 2020February 9, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

“PICTURE THIS”:

You’re a sweet little cat just trying to take a nap, just minding your own business and doing “a thing” that makes absolute makes purrfect sense to you. After all, it is the quietest room in a houseful of constant chaos that you often enjoy and participate in, which is why you’re just trying to take the nap.

Meanwhile …

As you hop up on to your favorite spot, you notice that the crazy lady you live with who calls herself your “Ma” has put another bed on your bed, for what reason you just can’t fathom. So, you lay down beside it, and not inside it, because you like the bed under the bed on the bed just fine. Ahh! As you’re just about to drift off, you’re startled by the sound of the crazy lady snapping your picture and chirping in a high-pitched voice:

What are you doing, Good Cat, you silly little girl? Didn’t you see the cozy bed I put there for you to lay in, since I know it’s you’re your favorite spot in the house to nap? Why are you lying BESIDE it and not IN it?

Yes, Ma, I did see the cozy bed that you put here for me to lay in, and while I do so appreciate the gesture, I just want to lay in MY spot, the way I ALWAYS HAVE and ALWAYS WILL, unless or until I decide NOT to do! So, can I please just take my nap now?

LET’S ALL BE LIKE GOOD CAT!

If “the thing” you’re doing works for you and isn’t hurting anyone else, NEVER CHANGE IT unless YOU decide to change it … NOT because someone who thinks they know what’s best for you tries to make you. It’s called autonomy people! We’re entitled to live our lives in the manner that WE decide is best, even if “our thing” makes people uncomfortable.

You know what they say about advice and opinions, right? They’re like assholes, ’cause everybody has them! We ALL get a vote! We ALL get a journey! We ALL get to choose the bed we wanna lay in … good, bad, or somewhere in between … even if that bed makes no sense to anyone.

As for me and Good Cat? Although my heart was in the VERY right place today, THIS Momma Cat needed to stay in her own damn lane and let the princess take her ‘lil cat nap where she wanted to!

What’s great about this “love song” is that you can sing it to yourself whenever you need reminding to never change who you are for the sake of someone else unless you want to. If you’re lucky enough to be surrounded by people who love you as you are, be thankful. Not everyone is selfless enough to be allow others to be themselves in their world.

Been there! Done that!

I’ve slept on both sides of this bed. Despite his imperfections and the wretched way he left us, never once during our season did he force or even ask me to change. He loved me as I was, “good Cat, bad Cat, and everywhere in between”, regardless of whether “my things” made sense, and just look who I’ve become!

Now, go take a nap wherever you damn well please, and never change (unless YOU want to)! Someday, someone brave is gonna say a thousand beautiful things about all the ways they feel about you and why “the things” you do made them fall in love with the “island of you”!

NEVER CHANGE

There’s a thousand things I’ve wanted to say but I’ve never been brave. No, I’ve never been brave. And you deserve the whole world. An island to yourself. You’re an island in yourself. And I think its time that I tell you how I feel. This is how I feel. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change, baby. Stay the same, lady. Did I know for so long? Never change. There’s a hundred places I’ve wanted to see. Would you see them with me? Would you see them with me? And I don’t care where we go ”cause you are home. You are my home. And we can stay in cheap hotels. Lets just pay to entertain ourselves. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I know for so long l? And I’m your man; hear me scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change. And I will take you with me everywhere I go. Pack your bags and leave it baby. I want you to know that loving you is easy. I thought I’d tell you so. And I want you to know: Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? And I’m your man. Hear me Scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change.” {Picture This}

FEBRUARY 8, 2020: “Suicidal Ideations” …

February 8, 2020February 8, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

One thing you can do right now is go find a mirror, look inside it, and tell yourself over and over and over again that you deserve better than ANYTHING less than you’ve been told or programmed to believe about yourself. You have to learn to “Fly From The Inside” (my favorite song from a band called Shinedown), and you HAVE to take back your power and strength and SURVIVE! Just tell “pain and suffering” that they can LITERALLY go and SUCK it and don’t you DARE let all the darkness in this world beat you up! YOU beat the darkness up and PUNCH TODAY IN THE FACE!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

No one EVER deserves the power to make you feel as though this world doesn’t need you anymore. I promise.

(The Real Cat Williamson On Quora)

FEBRUARY 8, 2020: “Making Waves” …

February 8, 2020February 8, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

I wanted to share my response to a Quora submission I recently made. My excitement, however, is NOT about my pride over the staggering amount of “views, shares and comments”. It’s about the fact that SO many people from around the world are talking about it. You know? That very unpopular monster “IT”: Mental Illness. The awareness is spreading and the stigma is being reduced one “real conversation” at a time:

Hello my fellow Quorans. Please allow me a moment to generally respond to all of your overwhelmingly supportive and reflective comments and say THANK YOU! Although I have, indeed, and will continue to read each and every one of them, because there are only so many hours in the day, time will not permit that. So let me just say this: If there is a general consensus to be made here, it’s that this subject, “mental health”, and more so than that, what appears to be the very much declining mental health of a vast majority of the population, is something on ALL our minds these days. Rightfully so! Life isn’t as simple as it used to be, and I personally find it to be a rat race more than ever. Sadly, it does appear to be getting harder for even the strongest among us to just “exist”. Especially inasmuch as there is also that other general consensus if not “elephant in the room”, that the family system is truly breaking down. (See also, “Nowhere Kids“) To each his own” is NOT always the best way, to which as a digression I say this: Whatever your “family” looks like (because, yes, the “modern family picture” has changed), embrace it! If you have a “tribe”, no matter the different walks of life you all arrived from, cherish it! Protect it with all you have! We need each other folks! It is true … just look at this forum we’re all on. Look how this question has banded us all together “like a tribe”. Do you agree? It is highly likely that there aren’t a lot of us on this thread who are educated “medical professionals” with either psychiatric or psychology degrees. From what I can see, we’re all coming together this way with our own very personal, real, and first-hand knowledge of this subject. Call it “mental health awareness”, or, if you’d rather, just call it, “a bunch of broken people banding together to try and find a way either out of our own darkness or to try and find a way to help someone else out of theirs! In some circumstances, a forum such as this may be the ONLY resource someone has to try and find their way out of whatever Hell they’re living in. If you are on this site, chances are that you’re here because you just want to “know things” so that you can somehow help, too! Inquiring minds typically WANT to know and NEED to know for all the right reasons. We can learn from and feed off one another’s experiences so that we can then take “all of this” out THERE onto our own streets and try to make a difference. Even a TINY change in every our life cycles can make a difference! In my mind, I am nothing more and nothing less than anyone else. Do my life experiences matter? They sure as Hell do! But in the big scheme of things, I’m just so very small. My story? My husband’s story? YOUR stories? They’re but tiny blips on this infinite radar we call life. Small as I may be, I see myself as a pebble. I’m a pebble that’s been dropped in the ocean! Everything I do, think, or say is creating a ripple into a future that I myself may never see. We‘re ALL just pebbles my friends. Beautiful little pebbles with the power to change EVERYTHING if we just open our hearts and minds to the “bigger than us” perspective and share it. Thank you all for reading me. I have to be honest right now in saying that, yes, it’s been exactly 171 days since the one true love of my life put a gun to his head and turned my world literally upside down. I have long since made it my purpose with whatever days I am lucky enough to have left here of my own to try to be the BEST damn pebble I can possibly be, because it’s the right thing to do, and also, my kids are watching! All of your words and thoughts here have truly strengthened my faith, hope and spirit, and I am grateful. Imagine that? Thousands of random strangers from thousands of different places just lifted me, a random stranger, even higher out of my darkest hours than I thought was possible. If you are on this forum because you are indeed an “inquiring mind that just wants to know and help”, you’re a rock star and a pebble and my kind of vibe and TRIBE! We can all do this if we just stick together this way. We CAN make a difference. Much love to all of you. ROCK ON! Or is that “pebble on”? Hee!

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

MAKE A WAVE

They say the beat of a butterfly’s wings can set off a storm a world away. What if they’re right and the smallest of things could power the strongest hurricane? What if it all begins inside? We’d hold the key that turns the tide. Just a pebble in the water can set the sea in motion. A simple act of kindness can stir the wildest ocean. If we show a little love. Heaven knows what we could change. So throw a pebble in the water and make a wave. The single choice to take us change. Have reached at your hand to someone in need? Don’t fool yourself and say you can’t. You never know what can grow from just one seed. So come with me and seize the day. This world may never be the same. Just a pebble in the water … can set the sea in motion. {Joe Jonas & Demi Lovato}

FEBRUARY 7, 2020: “The Feeling” …

February 7, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

AUGUST 22, 2019: The night that changed everything for me and mine. It was the night my husband took his own life, and yes, I physically “felt it happen”. Sufficed to say that there are still so many parts of that night and what led up to it that are very unclear in my mind, as this trauma has obviously affected both me and our daughter in unimaginable and irreversible ways.

That being said, what I do clearly and vividly remember was sitting in a room alone trying to get a hold of myself and wrap my head around what was happening to my family. Then, at just before midnight, I felt it! I had an adrenalin dump and it felt like someone had punched me in the gut and knocked the wind out of me. I literally couldn’t breathe. The next morning, August 23rd, the police chief of our town came to find me in the hospital where our daughter was being treated for her own trauma and suicidal thoughts as a result of what he’d done. As he headed toward me with “that look” on his face, I already knew what he was going to say.

“Mrs. Williamson, we did, unfortunately, locate your husband in his car this morning with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I am so sorry to inform you that he is in fact deceased.”

… which point I fell to the ground with a guttural wail that I’m told could be heard throughout the hospital. This was, in fact, the worst feeling I have ever had in my life before. Thank you for asking and I apologize if this was a little “heavy”.

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

FEBRUARY 7, 2020: “Why It’s GOOD To Be So Small!” …

February 7, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

It was indeed a rainy day here in Dallas on February 5th. The kind that tends to make you want to just shut the world away. But then again, not so much. With cozy pajamas, fluffy slippers, an ox of a German Shepherd named Lord Williamson at my feet and three cats perched strategically out of his reach all around me? Yah, that’s my vibe! The night before I’d been directed to “Quora”, a question and answer style on-line forum that I’d never heard of.

So, after taking Gia to school I got home, made a giant cup of coffee and sat down to check it out. At first glance, I thought, “Wow, this could be interesting”, then I threw a quick profile together, circled back around to the home page, and this was the first question I saw:

What are the worst cases of mental illness you have ever seen?

Really? “Well okay then …”, and off I went (with the Twilight Zone music cued up in the background). This was my answer:

My own husband, Zachariah, who I lost to suicide August 22, 2019. He was the Godsend game changer for me and my my two kids, larger than life with a heart the size of an ocean, but had been abandoned by the “mother THING” that (not “who”) left him permanently at 18 months. While I suppose his “father” did the best he could with lack of parenting skills he had, but he was then and is still but a grown child himself, and even in his death has continued to just leave him behind. He was left alone for a majority of the time from a very young age, and his basic needs were never properly tended to. Eventually, even his siblings discarded him, too. We didn’t realize his ACS (Abandoned Child Syndrome) even existed until five years into our marriage, but once faced with the sobering truths of his traumatic childhood, every bit of strength and fortitude he’d managed to find and survive with in his life of solitude before finding us, the first and only real home and family he’d ever had, began slipping right out from under him. The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that for some unknown reason the mother was able to manage to have a maternal relationship with the older siblings she’d had with the same father, just not him. Again, his entire family left him on the proverbial “curb of life”. Not just the mother, but neither the father nor his siblings could be bothered with him. His two older brothers would often refer to him as the “Zack of shit”, and although he would laugh about in their presence, those words tortured and haunted him incessantly. This heartless, selfish, numbingly ice-cold and shallow brood of people literally broke his heart into pieces that could never be put back together.

There were demons living in the hole they burned into his soul we fought desperately to keep him from drowning in, but in the end, the demons won. In the last months of his life, it appeared that he was in the early stages of psychosis, if not schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices, seeing things that weren’t there, missing blocks of time, and ultimately just vanished completely within himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore“, and honestly, we lost him months before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to witness and the worst kind of heartbreak to suffer. He died of a broken heart that led to his mental illness and suicide, but not before he hurt not only me, but even more so our daughter, VERY badly. The trauma that he bestowed upon her in his final psychosis and “separated from self” state of mind is beyond comprehension, barely fathomable, and one that may unfortunately take her own lifetime to heal and overcome.

I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection“. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. In the meantime, thank you for the many kind words and vast support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness, or anyone else’s for that matter, have been in vain.

(The Real Cat Williamson On Quora)

Once I’d completed and submitted it, it was time to switch gears to the work day that lied ahead, which I did, and soon thereafter I was out the door with absolutely no idea what, if anything, would become of my answer to the question. Keep in mind that throughout the day I had noticed the “push” notifications on my Quora app were beginning to skyrocket. NOT GONNA LIE … I was nervous! I kept thinking, “Oh no, what’s with all these notifications? 25, 50, 75, 100, 150? Have I upset, offended or pissed someone off? Have I invoked some drama with the masses? Holy shit! What the Hell? What have I done?” But I had so much going on that day that I couldn’t allow myself to open the app and look, for fear that what I may find would somehow distract, upset or topple me. So, I just went on with my day and anxiously waited until I got home to open the “Pandora’s Box” I was worried I had created.

When I finally got back to my desk that night, I took a deep breath and logged back on to the site. I WAS STUNNED! Much to my surprise, I’D found that my answer had been viewed upwards of 22,000 times, “upvoted” over 2,000 times, and responded to hundreds of times, with uplifting, supportive, and reflective comments such as this:

Thank you so very much for sharing this difficult journey with others. You may have just saved my life by giving me enough information to try to find a path out of my personal struggle. Until I read your post I had never heard of “abandoned child syndrome”. I now have SOMETHING that points to the root of my problems! NOW I’m starting to understand myself just a tiny bit more than I did 10 minutes ago. The question is now what can I do to start forging a different future? I am 50 years old and feel like a boat without ears, a sail, and a rudder. Or is it too late to try to move forward? I feel like it’s just too much and I’m way too tired to keep trying. Thank you for putting your grief into action and attempting to save other’s. I think I’m simply too old and tired …”.

Until I read your post I had never heard of “abandoned child syndrome”. I now have SOMETHING that points to the root of my problems! NOW I’m starting to understand myself just a tiny bit more than I did 10 minutes ago. The question is now what can I do to start forging a different future? I am 50 years old and feel like a boat without ears, a sail, and a rudder. Or is it too late to try to move forward? I feel like it’s just too much and I’m way too tired to keep trying. Thank you for putting your grief into action and attempting to save other’s. I think I’m simply too old and tired …”.

And there you have it! Confirmation that everything I’ve walked through and survived in my 50 years thus far is going to mean something so much bigger than I could possibly have ever foreseen to someone, somehow, some way, if I just keep on keeping on. Everything my husband had to walk through is going to have meant something bigger than even he was and I am going to make sure of it!

One of the things I loved most about Zack was his unrelenting generosity and heart for others. It was not uncommon for him to “give or do”, if not even to random strangers; the more he acquired, the more he gave away. We shared that in common, which is not to toot my horn right now, but rather, to make this point: Whenever we’d done something for someone else we would always “fist bump” or “high five” each other afterwards and smile. So, yah, after reading that comment above? I actually did pause as I turned to his picture on my desk and sent out my half of our “fist bump” to wherever he is in this cosmos. This is what I’m supposed to be doing! I know it. He knows it. God knows it! I’m just gonna keep staying “small” so all this can become so much “bigger” than either of us could have ever imagined. I feel so extremely blessed, happy, and even more determined to do whatever it is I’m supposed to do than I was before.

SO SMALL

Yeah, yeah. What you got if you ain’t got love? The kind that you just want to give away? It’s okay to open up. Go ahead and let The Light shine through. I know it’s hard on a rainy day. You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone, but don’t run out on your faith! ‘Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you’ve been out there searching for forever is in your hands. And when you figure out love is all that matters after all it sure makes everything else seem so small. It’s so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time. It’s like a river that’s so wide it swallows you whole. While you’re sitting around thinking about what you can’t change and worrying about all the wrong things, time’s flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count ’cause you can’t get it back. Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you’ve been out there searching for forever is in your hands. Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all it sure makes everything else seem so small.“ {Carrie Underwood}

FEBRUARY 5, 2020: “The Worst Case Of Mental Illness I’ve Ever Seen” …

February 5, 2020November 11, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

My own husband, Zachariah, who I lost to suicide on August 22, 2019. He was the Godsend game changer for me and my two kids, larger than life with a heart of gold, but had been abandoned by the “mother THING” that (not “who”) left him for good at 18 months. While I suppose his father did the best he could with the lack of parenting skills he had, he was then and is still but a child himself, and even managed to leave his son behind in death. Growing up, my husband was left alone frequently from a very young age, and his basic needs were never properly tended to. Eventually, even his siblings discarded him.

We didn’t realize his ACS (Abandoned Child Syndrome) even existed until five years into our marriage, but once faced with the sobering truths of his childhood, every bit of strength and fortitude he’d managed to find and survive with in his life of solitude before us, the first and only real home he’d ever had, began slipping right out from under him.

The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that for some unknown reason the “mother” managed to have a maternal relationship with the older siblings she’d had with the same father, just not him. Again, his entire family left him on the proverbial curb of life. Not just the mother, but neither his father or siblings could be bothered with him. His two older brothers would often refer to him as the “Zack of shit”, and although he would laugh about in their presence, those words haunted him incessantly. This heartless, selfish, and shallow brood of people shattered his heart into pieces that could never be fully put back together.

There were demons living in the hole they burned in his soul we fought desperately to keep him from drowning in, but in the end, the demons won. In the last months of his life, it appeared that he was in the early stages of some type of psychosis or schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices, seeing things that weren’t there, missing blocks of time, and ultimately just vanished completely within himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore“, and honestly, we lost him MONTHS before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to witness and the worst kind of heartbreak to suffer. He literally died of a broken heart that led to his mental illness and suicide, but not before he hurt not only me, but even more so our daughter VERY badly. The trauma he visited upon her in his final “separated from self” state of mind is beyond comprehension, and one that may take her a lifetime to heal from.

I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection“. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow, or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. In the meantime, thank you for the many kind words and support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness (or anyone else’s for that matter) have been in vain.

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

FEBRUARY 5, 2020: “Can Childhood Trauma Be Reversed?” …

February 5, 2020November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Although I do believe it’s “possible” for childhood trauma to be “repaired”, I do not believe that the resulting residual or collateral damage can ever be “reversed”. Under optimal circumstances and with a healthy support system, if a person can first revisit, acknowledge, and accept the trauma itself, it is possible that they can then attain the coping skills and mechanisms necessary to carry them through their adulthood “if and when” the trauma rears it’s head. You can forgive, accept, acknowledge and even make peace with it … BUT … you can never forget or erase it. As an adult survivor of childhood trauma of my own, I speak from experience in this regard. Thankfully, however, I did.

Unfortunately, I also have first hand experience on the flip side of this coin; that is, “irreversible childhood trauma”. My husband, who I recently lost to suicide this past August 22, 2019, suffered from extreme childhood trauma that sadly proved to be the death of him. He was larger than life with a heart the size of an ocean, but had been thrown away like garbage by his “mother THING” at birth. She abandoned him permanently at 18 months, and although his father did the best he could, he was and still is nothing but a child himself. He was left alone frequently from a very young age and his basic needs were never properly attended to.

Unfortunately, he never even realized that his “Abandoned Child Syndrome” existed until five years into our marriage, but once he was faced with the sobering truths of his childhood, every bit of strength and fortitude he’d managed to muster and thus survive with in his life of solitude before us, the first and only real home and family he’d ever had, began to slip right out from under him. The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that not just his mother, but his entire family abandoned him. They literally shattered his heart into pieces that could never fully be put back together.

There were demons living inside of the hole the “mother” left inside his soul that he tried desperately to swim out of it. We tried desperately to keep him from drowning in it. In the end, the demons won. The last few months of his life it appeared as though he was in the early stages of some type of dissociative psychosis, if not schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices, seeing things, missing “blocks of time”, and ultimately just disappeared inside himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore”, and honestly, we lost him months before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to watch and the worst kind of heartbreak to witness. I appreciate any of you who are reading this by the way. It’s tough to digest, much less conceive, but the truth nonetheless. His “traumatic childhood” LITERALLY “broke his heart”.

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

FEBRUARY 4, 2020: “Challenging A Dragon” …

February 4, 2020April 27, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Facing yourself in the mirror, day after day, as a fake, a fraud and a murder. Yes, I believe that eating disorders are nothing less than murder attempts of OURSELVES. Please let me explain …

I am in my eighth year of recovery, after 19 years active. I overcame “my dragon” by “overcoming myself”. I had to find my own missing reflection in the mirror, which, was difficult, but I did it. I slayed her. The beast. “My dragon”. She could have killed me by the way, so yes, I was allowing this beast to try and MURDER me! Nothing more. Nothing less. This is something I wrote in May of 2008, the day I started my journey out of the cave she and I were living in. It’s long, but it is me, and it is real: “In The Light“

I sincerely hope this reaches anyone who is struggling with a dragon of their own find the strength and courage to FIGHT! PLEASE, my friends, FIGHT YOUR DRAGON! You can do it. Be strong. Pick up your swords. CUT HER AT THE NECK and walk away. Every single one of you deserves so much better than the DARK cave this thing has you sequestered in. You. Can. Do. This! … Cat (a/k/a “The Dragon Slayer“)

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

FEBRUARY 1, 2020: “Crazy Grandma Cat” …

February 1, 2020April 18, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Are you painting your self-portrait small with just a tiny “here and now” brush, or are you creating an EPIC masterpiece with MUCH broader strokes that even your grandkids’ grandkids will treasure? Are you living out loud with power, grace, passion, and purpose? Your children and THEIR children will reap EXACTLY what you sow, so, SHOW THEM everything you TELL THEM! And (ps), don’t forget to keep a journal or keepsake memorializing all the memories and highlights so you don’t leave your “here and now” as mystery or subject for debate. Leave your fingerprints on everything (but hopefully not bloody ones like the ones my husband’s “parents” left all over him and my “father” is leaving all over us.

But more so than anything …

Be honest with your kids! Talk to them! Spend time with them! Share what’s in your heart of hearts, what you stand for, and what you believe in (but don’t shove it down their throats). Let them know it’s okay, if not encouraged, to take a different path than you. Let them know that you DON’T want them to be your “mini-me”, but rather, “the first of THEM“. In the meantime …

To My Kids:

Please know how hard I’m trying to change the crooked trajectory of this family tree. Yes, I very much do want you to find new and different paths of your own and notbe “mini-me’s”. I want you to be the first and the last of both of you, and be brave enough to CHOOSE to be happy. More so than anything, I hope someday when the time has come, you’ll listed to this song and think of me, but know also that when I hear it now, I think of both of you. You are my legacy just as much I am yours.

(“Virtual Love Letters“)

TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE I MADE THIS VIDEO <<CLICK HERE>>!

JANUARY 31, 2020: “The Overcomers” …

January 31, 2020December 6, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

The night before last I sent this message to one of Gia’s former teachers (so therefore I apologize for the “not so eloquentness” of it all). For the record, he wasn’t just “any teacher”; he’s her favorite teacher of all since starting school:

Hi Mr. M. I hope this message finds you well. Listen, I wanted to share something that happened with Gia this morning that directly involved YOU. I’m sure you are well aware of what happened last August; with my husband, with her. But keep in mind that even before that horrible cherry bomb went off on our family’s cake, she had been struggling for quite some years prior, which unfortunately, and without going into all the details, is a huge part of what ultimately took my husband down the way he went. But I digress …

In the year leading up to “August 22nd” Gia had been having severe depression and anxiety as a result of the PTSD that was in large part due to some things that were happening not only at home with “her real dad”, but there on the SMCS campus as well. My husband and I were both struggling to help keep her head above the water, but didn’t realize exactly HOW far under the water her head really was until November of 1998 (just after seventh grade began) when he was making his weekly “spot check” of her phone to see what she’d been doing on it. That was when he discovered she’d Googled, “I don’t want to live anymore” and “how do I stop not wanting to kill myself”. Our world crashed down. HIS WORLD CRASHED DOWN! Gia was everything to him, and the thought of “losing her” was just something he couldn’t bear after the lifetime of literal abandonment he’d suffered through. (His mother put him in a trash can the day he was born … his story wrote itself from there.)

Meanwhile, fast forward to last night. Gia and I are both knee deep in “our process”. I’m working full-time know to bring awareness about so many different things that I myself have suffered through. Part of my process is a blog I started to expose the diary / manuscript I’d been keeping for YEARS about my life and all its “secrets”. This morning my post was about a song I’ve been listening to incessantly for the past 5 months. Probably every day. But it always makes me cry so I never listen to it in front of her. Keep also in mind that a large part of my entire LIFE’S process has been through music and how it has helped me successfully access emotions and parts of myself that I never really knew were broken, or, that I just couldn’t find the words to explain, either to myself or anyone else. In fact, one of the things that I am planning to use in my up and coming “Trauma Coaching” endeavor is “music therapy”. I’ve been doing this with both of my kids for the longest time, as well as a few kids I’ve “adopted” along the way. I ask each of them to send me a song every Friday morning that lets either me or their own selves know how they are feeling. And this his how what happened this morning links back to you …

She stayed home from school today because she’d been having a pretty rough day emotionally, and well, she just wanted to be with me. So, when I was in my office this morning posting this blog, I of course had the song playing in the background. She came around the corner right at that moment and just stopped. She looked a little confused even. I asked her what was wrong and she started to cry. Then she sat down on the couch beside me and started to explain. “Mom, I’ve heard this before, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. It was in Mr. Michniak’s class when we were doing his music thing.” So, I asked her “What music thing”? Then, she explained. I was on the floor.

As it turns out, her tears were good, cathartic ones. She said that she specifically remembered the day you played that for them and how it really did reach her somewhere inside all her darkness. It left a small anchor in her heart that I guess she didn’t realize she needed as much as she did. She went on to say, however, that as bad as she feeling at that time, the song did “make her pause and think”, about God, and her life, and it gave her a little hope that somehow she was going to be okay.

After this conversation, we listened to the song again and I just held her. We were both sobbing. What you did that day? Or any of the days you’ve “done the music thing”. It’s precious, and a gift, and if ONLY it ever helped ONE child whose path you’ve crossed see a glimmer of light inside their darkness? Well, it was my kid. And I cannot thank you enough. You are a special person and please know how truly special this morning was for us today and how YOU unknowingly played a part of it by simply “doing the music thing” with our kids.

Have a blessed day please, and here’s the link to my post and my blog. Wouldn’t hate if you decided to follow it. I’m really trying to use our story for the betterment of others. Thank you Mr. M!

So, let me explain “the music thing”: He plays random songs in class for them to listen to, quietly reflect on, then write about how they made them feel. It’s what I’ve been doing with my own kids for years. As I said in my “Nettie” post this week, I first began the “music thing” with Christian when he was 16. Now, I do it with Gia … and her friend Caleb … as well as a couple of other kids (some of who are now adults) I’ve taken into my heart over the years. I’ve gotten songs from “my kids” at all hours of the day and night over the last 11 years and one of the best parts of my existence. Knowing that they trust me with the vulnerabilities and the secret places they travel in their own hearts and minds means everything to me.

For the record, his response this morning left me speechless. It reminded me yet again that everything is connected somehow and part of a much bigger picture; one that I may never see the finishing strokes and signature on in my own lifetime. Seeds are being planted. People are being purposed. Everything and everyone in our lives is strung together and I will NEVER be convinced otherwise.

Once I asked Gia “why is he your favorite teacher”, and her arbitrary response just became crystal clear to me. She said, “He’s just special. He’s teaches us so much more than academic stuff. He teaches us about life stuff. I don’t know; there’s something just special about him. He cares and really wants to make a difference. He reminds me a lot of you actually.” So with that, not only am I honored that this incredible man, teacher and mentor that God put in my daughter’s path was so taken by my message to him, but even more so am I honored that my daughter correlates me with him. Not the worst thing ever – being compared to such a wise “influencer”. (PS) Gotta love this song that he was talking about in his message, because yes, Gia and I can both appreciate it. We are “overcomers”!

JANUARY 30, 2020: “The Parking Lot Take Down” …

January 30, 2020December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

But alas, the “take down” was only temporary, as are all things in this life, am I right? I’d been doing so well until tonight. I know you all have seen it, and, indeed, it is true, that I am powering my way through all this wreckage like the true and risen QUEEN I’m becoming.

I heard this song for the first time tonight at about 5:30pm while I was driving through a parking lot running errands, at which point I fell apart so badly that I had to literally pull my car into a space and just cry … and cry … and cry … AND CRY. I was literally sitting in my car for two hours SOBBING, kinda like that time I was taken down in my own garage! Eventually, I made myself get it together, hit the gym, and GET UP on the treadmill thinking that would somehow calm me down. And? It did! For exactly one hour and ten minutes, I turned up the Death Punch and made myself stop being sad.

Meanwhile, when I got back home and walked into our closet it started all over again. I’m not gonna lie, folks. THIS IS HARD! I miss him so much … every second of every day … and sometimes I just walk to his side of the closet and “hug his clothes” that are still hanging there so I can smell them.

One half of my person and everything I used to be is just GONE! One of the sweet friends I’d reached out to for support wisely pointed out to me that I probably “needed” this to happen. I NEEDED TO CRY! She was right … I did. Even still, GRIEF SUCKS! It makes no sense whatsoever. It’s as if he went to God and actually said these words, to Him … about me … because knowing him the way that I do, these are the very words he would say to anyone right now if he could actually say something. “Please just hold her for me.”

Tomorrow will be a new day, of this I’m all too sure. In the meantime, might I just repeat: GRIEF SUCKS! I know God is holding me … right now … this minute … as I’m writing this. I can feel Him. Zack is here with me, too. I can feel him. But, GRIEF SUCKS! Goodnight everyone. Please keep me in your hearts and prayers tonight because I am really struggling.

HOLD HER

She was holdin’ on so tight, but I had to say goodbye. She’s all alone tonight. There’s nothin’ I could do to make it right Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. We’re apart but not alone. My love for her is more than she could know. A secret place only we can go, and we’ll laugh while we will hope until we’re home. Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be brighter? Is it ever gonna be, ever gonna be easier? Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love. This shall soon pass. Steady on, steady on, my love Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close, keep watch, tell her again she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. Hold her tonight. Oh, God, would you hold her tonight? ‘Cause I’m not there to stay close. Keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Stay close, keep watch, tell her she’s not alone. Hold her tonight. (King & Country)

JANUARY 29, 2020: “God Only Knows” …

January 29, 2020January 28, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

This one’s for my fallen king … and my son … and my daughter … and myself … and anyone in my atmosphere who is now or has ever struggled just to keep your head above the water. It’s so hard to swim when the entire weight of the world seems to be resting upon your shoulders. This is I know too well! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:

If I can do this?

YOU CAN DO THIS!

So, with that: Chin up! Knuckles out! Head held high! Fight the good fight!

Just,

Keep,

Breathing.

And remember …

GOD ONLY KNOWS

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’. Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’. Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you. Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you. Every day you try to pick up all the pieces. All the memories, they somehow never leave you. Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you. Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you. God only knows what you’ve been through. God only knows what they say about you. God only knows how it’s killing you. But there’s a kind of love that God only knows. God only knows what you’ve been through. God only knows what they say about you. God only knows the real you. There’s a kind of love that God only knows. There’s a kind of love that. There’s a kind of love. You keep a cover over every single secret. So afraid if someone saw them, they would leave. But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you. Somebody, somebody will never leave you. God only knows what you’ve been through. For the lonely, for the ashamed. The misunderstood, and the ones to blame. What if we could start over? We could start over. We could start over. Oh, for the lonely, for the ashamed. {for King & Country}

JANUARY 28, 2020: “The Most Beautiful Fog In The Cosmos” …

January 27, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

One of my greatest treasures in life is the beautifully cryptic way my son communicates with me, and only me, by sending me “music messages. He’s been doing it since age 16 after I finally left our home in search of a different ending to the story I knew desperately needed to change:

The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time and just days before I had my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans and true friends), but until the moment I got the “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. Lol, and as is par for the course in this Diary, I have once again digressed …

“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

(“That Music Thing“)

His messages come at the most random times, and often in the wee hours of the morning, which is always bittersweet, because as every parent knows, those 3am texts from your kid can invoke momentary nightmares that only a parent can understand. Thanks be to GOD that regardless of the alarm that stops my heart every time I hear his text tone, so far they’ve only ever been his “communication”.

His latest message arrived this morning at the absolute craziest moment, and the instant I got it every ounce of adrenaline in my body dumped right back into my soul in all the most beautiful ways. I was standing at the end of my driveway in an abyss of fog like no other I’d ever seen and had no idea why I’d been so compelled to walk right into and stare at it. As you read in my response to him above:

I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.

Yet something made me want to take the picture, and as seen in the text, as soon as I held the camera up to take the shot, his text arrived. What in the actual HE JUST DID THAT, didn’t He? And no, I don’t mean Christian. It was Him! I just know it! It was God … or maybe Zack … or maybe all of “my people” phoning it in from their perfectly mistaken quarters in the sky. It was “Someone” or “Something” infinitely beyond this place set that ethereal moment up JUST for me! The Cosmos was beckoning me with its “message in the fog” music alchemy at that one perfect moment in time because it NEEDED me to plant my feet back on solid ground.

After I took the picture, I stood frozen in that moment and just listened to the words. Yes, it’s dark, and, indeed, somewhat tragic, but oh my GOD is it ever beautiful, and such is the story of my life. Its haunting chords called me right back to the shore like an actual foghorn in the dead of night, and what are the chances something like this would happen for me “out of the grey” just like that?

It’s half past one here in Dallas and the fog is starting to lift. As forlorn as it seemed when it greeted me this morning, I’m almost sad to see it go, because as soon as I received this cryptic message from deep within my son’s heart, it wrapped me in the most comforting blanket that could possibly ever have adorned me.

My kids truly are my most beautiful work and legacy and every diamond in my gleaming tiara, and despite the many circumstances that have darkened some of our days, I believe with every shred of my being that they are going to be okay. I’m his “Nettie” … I am loved … and I am the luckiest woman on this planet. Welcome to my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” divinely punctuated existence.

NETTIE

Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. In the dark bathed in Cathode ray blue, Miss Red Hook of 1922, weeping silently for the pain of others. Every night a tearful rosary, a victim of the curse of empathy. Her reward of compassion is to suffer. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. My short coming, I know I caused her grief. Still, she loves me. This I can’t believe! Responding not with anger but a prayer, Heaven’s just Southwest of Cobbil Hill. True. I am the son of an angel. Maternally, not one woman compares. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. If you fall, I will catch you. When you’re lost, I’ll be there soon. Far away, but of course near. When you’re sad I am always here. Thank you from saving me from myself. Your compassion became its own hell. Unequivocally Beautiful inside and out. Without a doubt. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes.

{Type O Negative}

JANUARY 25, 2020: “His Wish For Her” …

January 25, 2020December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

This was one of the most bittersweet days of my journey thus far … her first high school interview. It was a day that Zack and I had been dreaming about for her for years.

If you knew him at all, you know how important her education was to him, and that it was the initial source of inspiration for the lifestyle he was determined to give us. He wanted her to have every “thing” and opportunity he’d never had as a child and wasn’t going to let anything stop him from laying the world at her feet.

It’s no secret that it was Zack, not her “real dad”, who single-handedly and happily paid for every cent of her private primary education. I fondly recall the very day this journey began …

We were newly married and still living in the little apartment in Fairview when first grade arrived. Since our address fed into in a public school with less than favorable stats and Christian had been privileged with a private education, Zack and I assumed that her dad would be on board with affording her the same opportunity and thus willing to split the cost with us. At that juncture, it was going to be a stretch for him, especially in that my “wedding gift” to him was: Me, a little girl, a recent stay at one of the most exclusive psychiatric facilities in the world, $35K of unsecured debt, a car we couldn’t afford, a mental health resume about 62 pages long, a less than support system, and oh yah, I wasn’t exactly what one would call “employable” then. YET WITHOUT HESITATION HE STEPPED UP TO THE ENTIRE PLATE FOR HER! Meanwhile, I remember the day I called her dad to ask what he thought about sending her to St. Mark’s like her brother. With a knife through my heart and a shot heard ’round the world his verbatim response was this:

Nope. Not happening. Guess you should have thought about that before you left here. Your gravy train is over honey, so why don’t you let the moron pay for it (then he literally laughed out loud). Have fun explaining to her one day why she couldn’t go to private school like her brother. Good job mom! Good job!

I was stunned by his callous response! What the actual HELL? “MY gravy train?” This wasn’t about me! IT WAS ABOUT HER! How could he be so cruel as to punish her to punish me? Don’t get me wrong – by no means am I saying that public school is a punishment. An education is only as good as the student himself, and a truly good student can and will flourish in any school setting, be it public, private, or home. Meanwhile, when I called Zack to tell him what her dad had said he was outraged in every sense of the word.

Let the moron pay for it? Really? He said that? Okay then, I WILL, just watch me! I’ll take care of EVERYTHING, and he can ride his selfish gravy train straight to Hell!

It was in that moment that his relentless fire was fueled with a determination like nothing I’d ever seen:

Catherine, I can do this! I’ll empty out my savings. I’ll get a second job. Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it. If I have to sell my soul to the Devil, she’ll have EVERYTHING Christian had. EVERYTHING I never had. She’s GOING to St. Mark’s and she’s GOING to a Catholic school. Trust me, SHE’S GOING!

When he got home that night, he explained how he planned to handle things for the first year and assured me that by the second grade he’d have the rest figured out. Then, this is what he did: HE EMPTIED OUT HIS LIFETIME FITNESS CENTER 401K TO PAY FOR HER FIRST YEAR’S TUITION! The very 401K he’d been faithfully contributing to with the specific intention of eventually buying himself that brand new car he’d always wanted. Yes, he did that for her. My husband … her “stepdad”. HE DID THAT! The rest is merely history, and many of you have good sense about the life he built for us in less than a decade.

As and aside, please don’t mistake this post as braggard. If you know me at all you know damn good and well that I have never forgotten how this story began: With sterling silver James Avery wedding bands, a tiny one-bedroom apartment, and nothing but a pocket full of dreams.

Yes, today is bittersweet. I’ve thought crying so many times since waking up to the cold, hard reality that he’s not here to revel in the triumph, pride, and joy of a day he worked for, dreamt of, and looked forward to since the day she bounced into his life, but I didn’t want to rain on her parade. Despite the impossible strength she very clearly recognizes in my process and recovery, the road to her process and recovery from the trauma that was his ironic and tragic parting gift to her is still so long ahead.

There’s an unspoken rule between the two of us right now. She knows I’m okay, and that I know she’s going to be okay, but for her sake alone, my darker days, tears and moments are best spent in private. At the end of the day however, as I sit with all this emotion, I am once again comforted in this peace: HE WAS WITH US TODAY! He’s with us every day. Knowing the God Whose hands are wrapped around my heart like I do? The actual reality is not as cold and hard as I thought. He is reveling in the triumph, pride and joy of “this day” he made happen for her with his legacy of love! He’s watching us from “the next room” through his Supernova telescope.

MY WISH

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you wanna go. And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find the window. If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile. But more than anything, more than anything … My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish. I hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you live. I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake and always give more than you take. But more than anything, yeah, more than anything … My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish. {Rascal Flatts}

~ “1,334 Days Later” ~
(But hey, who’s counting, right)

JANUARY 24, 2020: “I’d Rather Be Dangerous” …

January 23, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… when it’s 9:19 in the morning, 156 days since you’re life took a turn for the “you know what you have to do now”, you get this message from the “Second Phoenix Rising” and are reminded once again that all this pain has only ever been a gift. To you. To her. To the world! She gets it, I can feel it, and she really is going to be the final game changer for this story once and for all. It’s moments like these that keep me as a locked and loaded “danger to society” in every best way possible. Dear GOD, thank you for all this pain.

DANGEROUS

I could stand behind my barricade. Do what I’m told and be afraid to change. While isolated by the mainstream. With the current up against me. Well maybe if my arms were ten feet tall I could finally reach that crystal ball. ‘Cause I still find inside there’s something braver. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. I’m not making conversation. But I’ll state my observations. Well I could buy my faith like a plot in the ground. But I was never lost and I never had a doubt. ‘Cause I still find it’s not my imagination. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. Everybody is somebody, and anybody is you. I own my story. I won’t say sorry and neither should you. {Shinedown}

JANUARY 23, 2020: “My Ghost Gang” …

January 23, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because who else could I possibly blame for the current state of my broken but still beating heart? How else could I possibly explain what isn’t happening to me in the wake of all this devastation? While driving home yesterday it hit me once again, that yes, it is true, I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN! Let me tell you why …

Most of you probably already know that my husband took his own life at “just before midnight, Thursday, August 22nd“. But what you probably don’t know is where he did it:

Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.

Keep in mind that the entrance to this subdivision is at an intersection on the main thoroughfare between the very small town that I live in and the larger neighboring one. Since the majority of my time is spent in the neighboring one, unless I make a consorted effort to avoid that intersection I love to hate so much, I have no choice but to traverse that road often multiple times daily and come face to face with THESE gut-wrenching, sobering facts:

“That” was the last road he traveled.

“There” was the last turn he ever made.

“Those” were the last things that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

I’m not gonna lie, in the immediate weeks that followed his suicide, I avoided that road at all costs and had made a firm pact with myself to NEVER drive down it again. After all, what person in their right mind could under the circumstances? So many of my people were highly concerned for me in that regard, and rightfully so.

But here’s the deal …

It’s not me … it’s Him! I’m tellin’ you, people! IT’S HIM (and the “ghost gang” He’s got covering me 25/8, 366 days a year! Call them angels. Call them spirits. Call them whatever in Heaven or “Somewhere” other than here that you want. All I know is that “whoever they are” or “whatever they are” is very, extremely real to me, and for that, I am infinitely thankful.

GHOST

There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not like those draped in old bed sheets. Saying “trick or treat”. Different. Oh, this ghost is different. Not one that leaves me scared to death. But one that puts my fear to rest. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not something from some campfire story. Where I’m terrified to sleep. Opposite. This ghost is quite the opposite. He came just like a welcomed friend. And I was comforted. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. No longer afraid. {Mercy Me}

JANUARY 21, 2020: “The Answer” …

January 21, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

There’ve been so many days in my life when even the most unassuming things have had the most profound effects on my spirit, but yesterday might take the cake. I had to leave the house for an appointment, but because it was Martin Luther King Day, Gia asked to stay behind and relax. Honestly? I’m just now getting accustomed to leaving her home alone in the wake of all she’s been through, but she had to complete the last of her high school applications, and she is 14 going on 15, so I agreed. As I was headed out, I found her sitting at the computer typing away at the application. Mind you, I hadn’t yet looked at the questions and had no idea what she was writing. I returned to find her nesting peacefully at her little “perch” upstairs working on her latest sketch and singing out loud to her favorite Beatle’s vinyl. (Yes, she was born in the wrong decade!) After settling in, I made it back to the computer only to find it left open to the questions and answers she’d been working on, which of course I had to read:

What do you think adults should know about social media?

I think adults should know that while there are obvious dangers with social media (just as there are in MANY aspects of life), it also has the potential to do great things. Social media allows people to support and encourage others not only in your local circle of friends and family, but worldwide. My personal experiences with social media, although limited by my own choice, have been very positive. I’ve found role models and people who’ve inspired me to become a better person physically, mentally and spiritually.

Think about things in your life that bring you joy. How do you ensure time for those people, experiences or moments?

I believe that when something or someone makes you truly happy, you won’t need to find time for them – they’ll happen spontaneously. If you must sit down and THINK about finding ways to work something you love into your everyday life, there’s a much bigger issue at hand. People, experiences and special moments can’t be planned – they stay in your life and follow you throughout your journey. You will find that the people who bring you joy always manage to be a priority without even trying. I think that’s part of what love really is – not having to think or plan when you will show appreciation or care because you already do so without thinking. And experiences? Well, I firmly believe are priceless! Be them good or bad, every experience you have teaches you things and makes you a stronger and better person. If you have a chance to experience something you should focus on that moment because you might not ever experience it ever again and you should appreciate it before it’s too late and get caught thinking, “I should have appreciated it a lot sooner,” or “Why did I not live in the moment?”

Tell a story about a time when you made a mistake or experienced failure and what you learned?

I have made many mistakes and experienced many failures throughout my life. As a human, I am bound to do both repeatedly. My biggest mistake, however, was allowing all the hardships I experienced have such a negative impact on me. I have dealt with bullying and trauma for practically my whole life and let those things and people bring me down, feel worthless and lose my faith. I got to a very bad place and treated myself horribly, allowing myself to believe all that I was being told and all the bad things I thought. I let those things blind me from the fact that God made me, and He loves me no matter what anyone says or does. It took a lot of hard work to dig myself out of the dark hole I had put myself in, but I prevailed. With the help of loved ones, heroes and most importantly my God in heaven, I’ve survived. I learned that God will put things in my path to strengthen me and that when I hit a bump in the road, I keep going, because I was made to be strong and fight for who I am and what I believe no matter what. I’ve learned my value well and learned how to love people and care for them unconditionally, just like God does. Most importantly, however, I learned a lesson that many people never learn and a lesson that I believe is the most important one to learn: I learned how to love myself just as God made me and just as God loves me.

*******

So, go ahead and ask me if I wept after reading these words. Umm, yah … LIKE A BABY! I was so emotional in all the best ways that I had to sneak back to my room, shut the door, and just sit in the chair a while to process through the flood. This is my “reason”. This is my “why”. THIS is the answer to “The Riddle”.

None of this is about me, nor will it ever be! It’s about him, and her – the fruit from my branch that will bear the legacy of strength, courage, and unconditional love for not only others, but most of all, THEMSELVES, that I hope to leave behind. It’s about living out loud in the truths I’ve learned in all the hardest ways and being the answer to all their riddles. It’s about leading by example until my fledgling phoenix rises above all this darkness, and never losing faith that my first-born prince will eventually find the strength to fly from the inside and get that God-forsaken Venom suit off his soul, just like his mother finally did. It’s about days like yesterday when I come face to face with vindication and proof that I must be doing something right!

To top it all off, Gia and spent last night at dinner and a movie with her boyfriend and his little sister, both of who I adore, and who are also living proof and vindication of their own parents’ forward shift in their family’s legacy. Their parents have become a fiercely true and loyal support to me and my daughter, and the mom especially is someone who I very much admire as a woman in her own right, such that after hearing THESE words just before the movie started from her daughter, “one of my ‘lil besties”, the victory I’d experienced just hours earlier became infinitely sweeter than I could have imagined:

Miss Cat, I know I’m just a kid and everything, but I hope you know that you are an inspiration to me, and you are doing a really good job raising Gia. I notice things about people. You are special and you’re raising a special girl.

My heart couldn’t be any fuller tonight if I wanted it to be. I’m a very happy girl.

THE RIDDLE

There was a man back in ’95 whose heart ran out of summers but before he died, I asked him, “Wait, what’s the sense in life? Come over me. Come over me.” He said, “Son why you got to sing that tune? Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon. Let an angel swing and make you swoon then you will see … you will see.” Then he said, “Here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”. Picked up my kid from school today. “Did you learn anything cause in the world today? You can’t live in a castle far away. Now talk to me. Come talk to me.” He said, “Dad I’m big but we’re smaller than small. In the scheme of things, well we’re nothing at all. Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song. So, play with me. Come play with me. And hey dad, here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”. I said, “Son for all I’ve told you, when you get right down to the reason for the world: Who am I?” There are secrets that we still have left to find. There have been mysteries from the beginning of time. There are answers we’re not wise enough to see. He said, “You looking for a clue … I LOVE YOU FREE!” The batter swings and the summer flies as I look into my angel’s eyes. A song plays on while the moon is high over me. Something comes over me. I guess we’re big and I guess we’re small. If you think about it man, you know we got it all cause we’re all we got on this bouncing ball and I love you free … I LOVE YOU FREE!” Here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”.{Five For Fighting}

JANUARY 18, 2020: “Get Up!” …

January 18, 2020November 4, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because just in case someone out there needs to hear these words right now:

I know you’re clinging to the light of day to tell you everything’s A-OK! A medication don’t do much. Yeah, it just numbs the brain. Guess you might say I’m a little intense. I’m on the bright side of being HELL BENT! So, take it from me, you’re not the only one who can’t see straight. If you were ever in doubt, don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof. It’s hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed, but you gotta try. And I’m calling out … GET UP, GET UP, GET A MOVE ON!”
(Shinedown)

If I can do this,

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Besides, if it doesn’t actually kill you, it really will only make you stronger, if not completely fucking BULLETPROOF! Now then: Go on … GET UP … get a move on! Oh, and, listen to one of my favorite songs EVER!

JANUARY 17, 2020: “When You Walk With Angels” …

January 18, 2020December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Last night I dreamt about Zack for what seemed like hours, one very real scene after another, but it wasn’t until Gia and I got in the car to go to school that she something that literally knocked the breathe out of me:

Mom, Dad was in my dream last night.

It was the same exact feeling I’d had “just before midnight” on August 22nd at that moment I physically felt him leaving this Earth. This time, however, I had the breathe knocked out of me in a good way. The incomprehensible juxtaposition of our two dreams was nothing, everything, and all of it, and let me tell you why …

SHE HASN’T DREAMT OF HIM SINCE “THAT NIGHT“!

She hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice. He’s just been gone. So, what are the chances that he would avail himself to both of us on the very same night in such a truly powerful way? It was no coincidence. It was him … and it was real!

Although she hasn’t told me what the dream was about or the specifics of his presence, I could see she that was even more at peace and relaxed than ever today. Whatever the nature of his visit to her may have been, it was clearly very real to her, as well!

Sooner or later she will “tell me everything”, and I’m beyond thankful for the bond I share with both my kids in this regard. It may be months or even years before she finally does, but it doesn’t really matter, because in this moment all I know is he was here to finally answer my most burning questions and let me know he’s still with me, still watching me, and isn’t not going anywhere.

For the record, he also said:

There’s something coming. Something huge. Something bigger than you can imagine. SOME “ONE”. You’re going to be okay. I love you, Catherine. I always did and always will. I’m sorry I hurt you both … I’m sorry that I left you this way … It wasn’t about you, it was ME … but you’re doing so good and I’m SO proud of you. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing and believe that everything is going to be okay. Better than okay. I promise.

There were other very specific things he said about my future, all of which are now written on a piece of paper in my nightstand drawer that I will share with the small handful of people who are closest to me as a solid point of reference and accountability to their validity down the road if and when they do actually avail themselves in the manner in which he said.

So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Maybe I am! But hey, it is what it is! I believe in my heart that he’s still walking with me. THEY ALL ARE! My angels will always walk with me and their love is still very much alive. True love never dies … it just “slips into the next room” …

WALK WITH ANGELS

Love is alive – alive like a newborn child. Love is a war – broken and running wild. Love is a thief and it’s stealing our hearts tonight. You give it to me. You’ve given me all I need. You’re all I see. You’re all I wanted to be. Can you take me with you where you walk with angels? Where you walk with angels. Love’s around you now. You walk with angels wherever you are. You walk with angels …” {Aaron Hendra}

JANUARY 8, 2020: “The Ashes Of Eden” …

January 8, 2020April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Having proceeded with this trip despite the literal and metaphorical ashes he left us in, I’d decided that this would be the perfect place to spread the first of his ashes. Not only because this was supposed to be his trip, too, but more so because it’s somewhere he belonged. Although he never lived here, after having traced his ancestry to find out who he really was, much to his surprise, he’d discovered that he was of predominantly European descent. So, when we stumbled upon the beautiful brook that runs about The Blarney Castle gardens, we just knew it was the perfect spot!

Since his “blood” never bothered to take him home, my kids and I have firmly decided that not only did they never deserve him in the first place, they will never get to have him again. In the years to come, we will include the ashes we had formerly set aside for them amongst those we will journey with to the many places his ancestors once called “home”, not the least of which is Wales, where we discovered the origin of his Williamson klan.

So, with that, I will end with my adaptation the most befitting lyrics for this moment …

Zachariah,

Despite your many mistakes and all the ways you hurt us, I knew your heart AND your faith in God. I cannot and will not discount the unconditional forgiveness and grace that He showed in that moment He reached for your hand. I know your faith was rewarded when you came to your end, and no final warning did you miss. Yes, He called for you, and He saw your soul within, and yes, Zachariah, you were worthy. He was with you after all, and although the demon that was living in your head prevented you from hearing His voice or feeling His presence, indeed He was with you through it all as the ashes of Eden did fall. The darkness is no longer falling upon you. The air no longer grows thin. No more voices haunting. You have nothing left to fear. There is nothing left but the shining Light from Heaven above Who has taken your hand to His everlasting will.

ASHES OF EDEN

Will the faithful be rewarded when we come to the end? Will I miss the final warning from the lie that I have lived? Is there anybody calling? I can see the soul within, and I am not worthy. I am not worthy of this. Are you with me after all? Why can’t I hear you? Are you with me through it all? Then why can’t I feel you? Stay with me don’t let me go because there’s nothing left at all. Stay with me don’t let me go until the ashes of Eden fall. Will the darkness fall upon me when the air is growing thin? Will the Light begin to pull me to its everlasting will? I can hear the voices haunting. There is nothing left to fear. And I am still calling. I am still calling to You. Heaven above me, take my hand. Shine until there’s nothing left but You. {Breaking Benjamin}

JANUARY 6, 2020: “O Say Can You See?” …

January 6, 2020April 4, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

~ January 6, 2021 ~
(At The Bunratty Castle, Ireland)

This was one of THE best nights of our life!

Well I’m gonna sing the only song there is to sing!

… then my son sang our National Anthem! Even despite what the three of us have been through, who was missing, and why we were even on this trip to Ireland in the first place, if only we had known what was to become of this beautiful country not too long after we arrived home.

Oh say can you see … by the dawn’s early light … what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare … the bombs bursting in … gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave … o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

For the record, I’m a lover of every country on this beautiful Atlas. Of course, I’m a Patriot, but more so than anything, I am a human being who is thankful for human beings … no matter “where” on this globe they call home or the shade of skin they wear. My pride in America is by no means a slight or disregard to any other country’s soil. I’m a blessed American woman, indeed it is true. But I’m for the love of all people – everywhere – because … WE ALL BLEED RED!

DECEMBER 30, 2019: “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” …

December 30, 2019September 28, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“Bubbikins”
{Season 3, Episode 4 ~ “The Crown”}

In keeping with my promise to myself and all of you, I’ve been working like a madwoman since Christmas morning uploading as many entries as possible before leaving for Ireland on Friday, starting with the day I was born. After being glued to my chair for 96 straight hours straight, with only four real breaks in between, I’d made it all the way to the entry where I revealed what really happened that Sunday in April of 2009 that finally pushed me over the edge to that lovely placed called “The Meadows”. It was the day of my nervous breakdown. It had been a long time since I’d read it, and transferring the words from the desktop “diary” I’d been keeping for years to this published blog version was jarring:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

(“Circadian“)

As I flashed back to that day and remembered everything that happened, it broke my heart into pieces all over again knowing how it broke their hearts into pieces having to live through such trauma, at which point I became so emotional that I had to call it a night and cry myself to sleep.

If you know me well, you know that I have long been fascinated with English history, the monarchy, and most specifically Prince Phillip, “The Duke Of Edinburgh“. If you know anything about him, his truly tragic childhood, or the lifetime of personal sacrifice and struggle upon becoming The Queen’s consort, you know that, like me, he is a true and living phoenix. I could wax poetic about the man. Actually, now that I think of it, when recently asked, “If you could meet anyone and have conversation with them, who would it be?”, he was immediately one of the only two people who came to mind. Of course, that is unrealistic, but the sentiment remains, because although “who he is” puts him so far out of my reach, I would have truly love to be able to just talk to him for a couple of hours during my lifetime. As and aside, one thing I can also tell you is that my husband’s life story and heart were so much like Prince Phillip’s that I often addressed him as “The Duke” in our home.

With that, there’s a show I’ve been watching called “The Crown” on Netflix that loosely depicts the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth. With everything that’s been consuming me lately I’ve missed quite a bit of it, so I decided to just binge for the night and pick up where I’d left off, at Season 3, Episode 4, “Bubbikins”.

Throughout the series, the viewers are led to an understanding of Prince Philip’s lifelong perception of abandonment by his mother, Princess Alice Of Battenburg. “Bubbikins”, however, reveals that the real reason she’d been absent from his childhood was that she’d been diagnosed with schizophrenia, committed to an array of psychiatric asylums, and subjected to a series of inhumane “treatments” for her mental illness, the worst of which was by Sigmund Freud, including a flashback of her being ripped away from him while being hauled off to one of those asylums.

Ultimately, however, we find Prince Phillip visiting his mother’s room at the palace after having read what he referred to as “a love letter” about her in the paper and having come to a shockingly different perspective about not only her past but “their past as well. He wanted to apologize to her:

(PRINCE PHILIP READING FROM THE PAPER TO HIS MOTHER): Princess Alice is that rarest of creatures – a member of the royal family that has suffered more than the rest of us, worked harder than the rest of us and created more good than the rest of us … she was consistently misunderstood, marginalized and underestimated … but instead of bitterness Princess Alice dedicated her life to charity work, public service and campaigning for social justice often at great personal risk. I owe you an apology.

(PRINCESS ALICE): Whatever for?

My faithlessness.

If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it’s the other way around … when we were forced to leave Greece I couldn’t cope. I needed care. I needed help.

That wasn’t help that they gave you, it was torture.

They tried their best.

No, the treatment they gave you was barbaric and your courage in rising above it was remarkable.

I didn’t do it alone. I couldn’t have. I had help every step of the way. Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness. How is your faith?

Dormant.

That’s not good. Let this be a mother’s gift to her child. That one piece of advice: Find yourself a faith. It helps. No – not just helps. It’s everything.

Oh, my Father, how can I ever repay You? You called in my Angels again, didn’t You? You love me. I know You do! What are the chances that the very next thing You needed me to see, hear, and absorb last night after falling apart at this keyboard with reinstated guilt over everything I’ve put my kids through was EXACTLY what I needed to yet again remind me that in everything You have a purpose? While I’m certainly not insinuating that either I or my life are anything like Princess Alice’s, I know You had that entire series of events lined up just for me! Right on cue, You were sending me a message:

HAVE FAITH MY CHILD. You’re going to be okay. They’re going to be okay. Someday they will understand.

To which my reply and the only way I can repay You is: No, I’m NOT doing this alone. I have help every step of the way. So, I’ll keep standing strong in my faith. It doesn’t just “help” – IT’S EVERYTHING! I love You.

DECEMBER 28, 2019: “Still So Far From Home” …

December 28, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear “Brother” …

I understand that you are upset right now and maybe a little with me too. All I am asking you at this point for HIS sake and for the sake of all that he went through while he was here on this Earth is that you please try to come to terms with his truths. His realities. His last wishes and decisions. That note he left us was a gift. IT WAS FOR US, NOT FOR THEM! You, me, Gia and Rick? We were “his family”! No one else! Those words he wrote in his suicide note were not intended for either the general public, the world at large and most ESPECIALLY the “family” that threw him away like garbage! I will always consider you my family D. And in my journey to speak his truths I will never fail to credit you for being the only brother he had because that is how he saw it! That’s how he spoke of you and that’s what he made painfully clear to anyone that paid attention. He always felt that you were “caught in a void” between “all of them and the truth” because maybe copping to the sobering facts was going to be as painful for you to bear as it was for him. When Zack made the decision to excise them and the “thought of them” from his heart it was a bittersweet and painful gift to unto himself.

So, that’s all there is to it. Rick and I are here for you when you’re ready to talk true facts. I truly hope you can be well someday. He worried about you incessantly and I cannot say it enough! It always bothered the fuck out of him how you let them treat you like a revolving door, only using you as they needed you, in and out, in and out, and there was nothing he could do or say to convince you to stand up for yourself and say ENOUGH and walk away like he did! He kept praying you’d find a family of your own one day, a nice, safe, loving woman to finally give you a real home and some joy and healing and peace so that you’d finally “not need to accept their bullshit scraps and leftovers”. Your brother’s legacy “before he got sick” will carry on somehow – I’LL MAKE SURE OF IT! You need to do everything you can to honor him and all that has happened here and start finding a way to, in fact, say the words: NO MORE SCRAPS AND LEFTOVERS!

And for the record, regardless of how it appears on the surface there is no “hatred” in my heart for anyone involved here. I feel nothing for the people that destroyed my beautiful husband from the cradle to the grave! Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING! They aren’t worth my energy! If anything, I feel sorry for them all because they missed out on REALLY knowing one THE BEST human souls that ever walked this planet. They missed out on his “best 10 years” and getting to see him flourish. Smile. Succeed. Grow. Be fearless. Courageous. Change. Become self-aware and strong (much stronger than he even knew). Experience joy. Laughter. Happiness. They missed out on getting to know what an amazing human being, husband, brother, friend and DAD he was to Gia! We got the BEST of him. Everything good he ever did, was or could have possibly been, WE GOT TO HAVE AND WITNESS IT. He was a fucking miracle and you can’t not know it’s true. With all the odds stacked against him, statistically the last 10 years should probably have never happened. He was the frog who turned into a prince and then eventually into a king – he just needed love, and a home and a family to get there. And? HE FINALLY HAD IT! It’s just that the holes your mother left inside his broken heart were deeper than any of us know and he couldn’t find his way out of them anymore. He got too tired and fell. THEY ALL FAILED HIM MISERABLY AND YOU KNOW IT! I’m sorry if this upsets you. I just want you to help me honor, validate and hold ALL his many painful truths and realities up to the light. It’s the right thing to do and I WILL NOT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY!

{Text To “Brother” dated September 12, 2019}

As of this night, December 28, 2019, neither of the only two “blood family” he’d ever believed he could rely on to be there when all of his cards were down bothered to “come and get him”. These are the keepsake urns that Rick and I had made for each of them on the day he and I went alone to make the arrangements for my husband because neither of them could be bothered. Somehow, we both foolishly believed that for once in his life or his death at least one of them would finally just show up for him! “Taking him home” is no longer an option for either of them at this point, however, as I would rather spread these ashes amongst the footsteps of his ancestors in all the places he dreamed of going than let anyone treat him like “scrap” ever again!

FAR FROM HOME

Another day in this carnival of souls. Another night’s end ends as quickly as it goes. The memories are shadows, ink on the page. And I can’t seem to find my way home. And it’s almost like your Heaven’s trying everything. Your Heaven’s trying everything to keep me out. All the places I’ve been and things I’ve seen. A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams. The faces of people I’ll never see again, and I can’t seem to find my way home. ‘Cause it’s almost like your heaven’s trying everything to break me down. ‘Cause it’s almost like your heaven’s trying everything to keep me out. To break me down. {Five Finger Death Punch}

DECEMBER 26, 2019: “Hey, Mother, Father” …

December 26, 2019August 31, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

MOTHER, FATHER

She sits alone, an empty stare. A mother’s face she wears. Where did she go wrong? The fight is gone. Lord help this broken home. Hey, mother, father, sister Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. With dreams he tried. Lost his pride. He drinks his life away. One photograph in broken glass. It should not end this way. Hey, mother, father, sister. Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. Through bitter tears and wounded years those ties of blood were strong. So much to say. Those yesterdays. So now don’t you turn away Have faith. Believe. Believe.

(Journey)

DECEMBER 25, 2019: “Starting Over As A Queen” …

December 25, 2019November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, here’s my parting message and Christmas gift to all the people who built the bullshit fucking roadblocks that were keeping me stuck in the driveway in the four decades before finally opening my eyes to all my “broken feelings” and finding the truths behind the lies that were my former realities.

Zack and I first heard this song in 2007, and it immediately became a catalyst in unraveling the mystery of what had broken each of us before ever meeting at Lifetime. It spoke volumes as to our prior journeys – it was who we were, where we’d been, and why we needed to cut ties with many people in our lives and truly just start over. It was a cryptic message to everyone that had discarded us at virtually every critical juncture, not the least of which were “our blood and bones“ …

You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold?

Today, I’ll spend another “first” without him completely severed from a family that has yet again “washed their hands of me”. Guess what? That’s okay! I WAS MARRIED TO A KING! An imperfect, broken, mortal king with a rare and true heart of gold, who not only gave me every “thing” a woman could want, but more so his heart, his soul, his eyes, his faith, and his unconditional love for the first time in all my life, all of which made me a QUEEN!

HE WAS MARRIED TO A QUEEN! An imperfect, broken, mortal queen with a rare and true heart of gold who not only gave him every “thing” a man could want, but more so her heart, her eyes, her soul, her faith, and her unconditional love for the for the first time in all his life, all of which made him a KING! Clearly, he fell, with a tragic twist that most will ever know and hurt us in unspeakable ways. But today is Christmas, and who was better at forgiving than Jesus? Indeed, I have forgiven him for the devastation that ended our story.

But here’s what ELSE you should know …

I FORGIVE YOU for the fact that you mocked, punished, laughed at, or burned me alive on a cross every time I let you down, embarrassed or disgraced your reputations when I failed miserably at all the things I failed at.

I FORGIVE YOU for invalidating, disregarding, and discrediting my feelings as “drama, immaturity, ingratitude, or self-pity”.

I FORGIVE YOU for abusing the trust I placed in you with vulnerabilities and truths by throwing them back in my face and driving nails into my already broken heart.

I FORGIVE YOU for taking it so personally when I decided to break the cycle, and for just standing there watching as I fought tirelessly to get that God-forsaken Venom suit off my weak and weary body so that maybe one day my daughter’s daughters or my son’s sons will be the first branches from this sick and dying tree to not end up in a psych ward because they want to blow their own brains out!

I FORGIVE YOU for only loving me when I was good enough to be loved, but “washing your hands of me” when I broke all the rules that you decided would be best for me, which (PS), were complete and total double standards of BULLSHIT! As it turns out, it’s okay to live life on our own terms, if not the best thing one can do. The wisest spiders are proud of the babies that manage to get out of the webs they may have unintentionally spun and find a way to survive this fucking life in peace!

I FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT FORGIVING ME for being an imperfect human being and I forgive you for all the times that you abandoned me.

But more so than that …

Thank you for everything you’ve done to hurt me, because that’s how I became an “apostrophe“! It was YOU who pointed me straight to both my Kings – the One born today and the fallen one. He may be gone now, but I’m still right here with the crown and sword he left for me to wear, charging bravely forward all the days I have left here! There’s still so much I have to do with all this power my impossibly strong heart now wields.

There’s the Phoenix I made who I’ll fight beside tooth and nail as she ascends towards the culmination of everything my own broken flight was purposed for, and that first born Prince who hasn’t yet realized that he too is a king because he hasn’t yet found the strength to tear off “the black suit” that shrouds his soul in darkness! He’s trapped in a web and has still yet to realize the long-terms effects of the emotional abuse he also is succumbing to and that being repeatedly being told “I’m done with you” for failure to follow the rules is slowly becoming the death of him too. I will not rest until that day comes that he opens his eyes to all his broken feelings and finally walks away with the courage and strength that’s hiding somewhere within himself so the next time he hears “I’m done with you”, he too can say:

NO! It’s ME that’s done with YOU!

If I’ve learned anything in my first fifty years, it’s that “real love” shouldn’t cost you anything, yet it’s the only commodity that gets you EVERYTHING! Love shouldn’t make you sad, make you cry, come with strings or conditions, cause you to doubt yourself, want to shoot yourself, or make you want to hide in the shadows of any authentic version of yourself because the people who claim to love you refuse to accept you as you are. Here’s the thing: Once you’ve had finally had it – “REAL love without strings and conditions”? YOU CAN NEVER ACCEPT “LOVE” ANY OTHER WAY, EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING ALONE! I won’t be the last queen that ever reigned alone in her kingdom because she refused to settle for anything less than everything! You see, I’ve been blessed by the unconditional love of two earthly Kings in my lifetime. There’s no going back to where I came from, so I guess it’s time to just start over. Merry Christmas to me!

STARTING OVER

Someday soon, I’m gonna pull myself together. Win or lose, I’m starting over again. Start this day like any other day. I fold my hands as I begin to pray. Sometimes we gotta throw the past aside, and come what may, I’m gonna open up my eyes to all my broken feelings. It’s the only road I’ve known. I just wanna say to you: Maybe I won’t feel the pain when you leave me one day, and maybe it won’t be too late when you need me someday. Someone take me away from the one who betrays, but things won’t ever be the same. I’m starting over. In days gone by, I was hiding from myself. In all those lies, and the truth was hard to tell. But I will try to turn my life around. I’ll close my eyes so I can finally see the road to all my broken feelings. It’s the only one I’ve known. I just wanna say to you … You were my heart, you were my soul. You were my breath ’til I grow old. You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold? {Saliva}

DECEMBER 22, 2019: “How To Re-Traumatize A Widow” …

December 22, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I struggled this morning as to what if anything to say about “the very first social event without my husband” last night because honestly, I am just so overwhelmed and TRAUMATIZED all over again! So perhaps I’ll just lead with some friendly advice for anyone out there who unbeknownst to them struggles with “unhealthy boundaries” …

To begin, here is what Wikia.org says about “personal boundaries” (and please DO click on this link THIS VERY IMPORTANT LINK for more information when you are either extremely bored OR extremely ready to conduct a quick self-examination as to where you are on the boundaries spectrum):

Personal boundaries are an aspect of psychological boundaries and are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. “Personal boundaries” define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like … how close someone can get to you.

One last piece of advice I’d like to offer against what again I’m sure are seemingly innocent comments and remarks from well-intended people. I appreciate being told “I’m beautiful”. Truly, I do, and I’m not trying to sound like a bitch, but I am in fact aware of “how I look“. Okay, I agree, I not that unfortunate looking. I’m comfortable writing those words out loud now because only I know how long it finally took me to find my actual reflection in a mirror! It took a hell of a lot of work on behalf less than a handful of people to get me to finally “see me” the way other people see me on the outside. Eternal is the gratitude for my very first angel, “the Flyboy“. All of “this” started with him, then Zack picked up where he left off, and I will NEVER forget that day in his apartment he grabbed me by the arms and physically forced me in front of the mirror while he stood behind me repeating:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! LOOK AT YOURSELF CATHERINE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! SAY IT! I’M NOT LETTING YOU GO UNTIL YOU SAY IT!”

And then I did, and here I am. Yes, I am beautiful. The irony here is the first time Zack ever saw me in January of 2009 my presentation was, umm, tragic, to say the least. If he were still here, he’d be the first to admit that I looked like a freaking train wreck. I was in the worst shape of my life, hadn’t been sleeping, was physically disfigured in the most egregious way, and about five minutes away from my final nervous breakdown. He used to say, “Every time she showed up at the gym, she looked kind of like a homeless person”. So, trust me when I tell you – our love story did NOT begin with “wow you’re just so beautiful”. He loved me as I was, scars and all, for the very first time in my life, and for that precious reason my fallen King’s mirror of not only my reflection but most importantly my soul will always be the standard by which I judge anyone’s regard for my “beauty”.

There is probably not a human being on the face of this planet that doesn’t appreciate verbal affirmation from others, and yes, compliments in the right dose are an integral part of how our confidence is assimilated. But over and over and over again? “You’re so pretty. You’re so beautiful. You are such an attractive person.” Okay, so tell me once and that’s it! Anything more is not only overkill, but more so the polar OPPOSITE of what has ever attracted me to a man. Observations, judgments and validations about “my surface” in my life before Zack were more than half of what made me sick in the very first place and nope, I don’t care if someone thinks I’m beautiful (at least not on the outside). Quite frankly? THAT REPELS ME! Yes, this is a boundary issue with not only me but quite possibly many struggling people out there. Such an OLD cliche’ but true nonetheless: DON’T JUDGE THE BOOK BY IT’S COVER!

These things needed to be said, and now that I’ve said them, I feel much better. Guess I just needed to remind myself about the boundaries I’ve fought so hard to understand, respect and build in the first place. So, with that, I guess I’ll just have to find a way to be thankful for my re-traumitization last night. It was a lesson for sure, and now maybe a lesson for some of you as well. There is indeed a time and place for everything – EVEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GRIEF! If you know someone has been through a trauma of any kind and you want to talk to them about it, just ask them first if they want to talk about it. They may want to. They may not. But the choice should be theirs, not yours.

DECEMBER 20, 2019: “Because Queens Get Flowers” …

December 20, 2019December 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yesterday morning, while arranging my weekly flowers, I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I looked up to the sky and said:

Well, Williamson, you DID say you never wanted a day to go by that there weren’t fresh flowers in the house for me, right? Just because you’re gone, it doesn’t mean there won’t be flowers in this house for me ALWAYS. Not only would you hate that, but as it happens, I’m STILL a queen, and after all that has been said and done, I FRIGGING DESERVE THEM!

… at which point I just kept primping them in my absolute favorite container with nothing but the truest joy in my heart, all the while thanking GOD for the real life Superman he sent to me, if only for a season, to once and finally remind me that I am worthy of all the most beautiful things in this world, not the least of which are any and all kindnesses, no matter how simple or grand, that I so choose to bestow upon myself all the remaining days of my life. I will continue to treat myself how I wish to be treated by others while I continue to survive in this realm:

WITH POWER, GRACE, LOVE, AND KINDESS!

I have always loved flowers, and despite the appearance of over the top accoutrement of my life, my affection can’t be bought. That’s probably because I’ve enjoyed many creature comforts in my life, none of which prevented the web I was entangled in for the majority of my life from all but slaying my mental wealth.

My point being this …

Of all the beautiful flowers I’ve been given from both my husbands, it was the less expensive, store-bought ones from Zack that I cherished the most. Depending on where he was working at the time, he would often have to go truly out of his way to get me those bouquets. Anyone “married” to the new home sales industry knows exactly what I’m saying. It’s a career that is not for the faint of heart. “To whom much is given” is the mindset you must embrace, as for all the abundance there’s steep personal price to pay … even when it comes to something as seemingly simple as picking up flowers for your wife. Some of the subdivisions he worked in were far off the beaten path and not conducive to “let me just run in and get her some flowers”. Not to mention the fact that by the time he locked those model home doors every night, all he wanted to do was get home. Every time he walked through the door with flowers in his hand, I knew exactly what those $5 bouquets really cost him: Time, energy, effort, and thought! Those are things that no man’s money will ever be able to buy me. Been there. Done that. I’M OVER IT!

So, with that, I am thanking God again today for the many gifts he left behind for me. My Superman may have left the building, but he will never leave my atmosphere.

I’m a divinely punctuated queen who is abundantly aware of her risen reflection in every mirror. The girl who once waged war with herself and her many wounds, now brings flowers to her scars instead!

YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GIRL!

If you are reading this now, I challenge you to take 20 minutes today and get that special someone some flowers. They don’t have to be expensive, because if they are worth any of your time, thought, and attention, they will appreciate the gesture regardless.

If you DON’T have someone special in your life, take 20 minutes today to get YOURSELF some flowers! Having a healthy, loving, forgiving, and unconditional relationship with YOU is the first step to becoming living royalty!

DECEMBER 16, 2019: “Born To Battle” …

December 16, 2019May 12, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“BORN TO BATTLE”

A blazing flame slowly dies in a night as cold as snow. From the ashes a Phoenix will rise – it will spread its wings and blaze again and the world will watch in terror.

A tree stands tall, unshakeable in disaster, with leaves that feed and a trunk that houses things that are large and small, from the lions resting in its leaves to the mice that every bird is after, and thorns that wrap around this tree as it loves and must protect it all. The tree that has been through storm and fire will watch as it stops danger in his tracks and fill the forest with powerful laughter.

A tidal wave races to land as anger from the broken earth surges through the city in its wake. Salty water fills what once was home to a beach pristine with its white sand. Concrete jungle, horrible and strong, your walls are beginning to break. The creatures that destroy its castle are now drowning in its tears. Water will heal if you show it respect, but woe it brings in oppression.

A wind from four corners will push on still – tornadoes and hurricanes do not stop for lesser things. You can track and prepare but you cannot break its unstoppable iron will. Yet only days before, a soft breeze gently embraced the leaves and refuse from the Sun’s sting. It is no fault but their own, taking for granted and taking advantage of something they do not know – of something they will fail to control. So, the wind sounds a warning of a storm on the roll.

A roar charges through a burning world as a warrior departs. The pounding of horses running and the power of thunder rumbling. Rubber on asphalt spins and burns as those four doors carry weary hearts, heavy. Hearts that move, hearts that love and hearts that have been through too much. This world hurts what is afraid of, yet the strong ones have made struggle an art. So, bring on what you have – just try and stop them. When you push them, they will be ready!

~ Gia Embach ~

DECEMBER 16, 2019: “Everyone’s Just Trying To Get Home” …

December 16, 2019November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Leave it to my daughter to bring one of the greatest and most impactful treasures of my journey thus far into my world this weekend. Unbeknownst to me, Gia had stumbled upon Charles Mackesy, a few months back, and has been literally clinging to his mindsets like a buoy in the dead of night. While I was out working yesterday, she spent the afternoon with some friends at the mall, which led her to Barnes & Noble, and thus the latest and greatest discovery of my life! Mackesy is a creative, empathetic, and insightful muse, and the words he has impeccably strung together are magical. My daughter and I have now tattooed these mindsets that we’ve already shared for so long onto our hearts forever. This book and its wisdoms are our life song, the depths of our realities, and exactly “who we are and what we aspire to be”. Do yourself a favor and gift this book to yourself or someone you love for Christmas. Don’t just download it, though. You simply HAVE to buy the book, hold the book, see the pictures, and touch the pages in order for it to work its magic! It will, perhaps, be the kindest “kindness” you’ll have ever shown yourself and perhaps even the beginning of your own journey “home”.

In the meantime, Dear GOD, please tell me that I’m right and that HE has finally made it Home. It’s all he ever really wanted. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s all ANY of us have ever wanted … to just get HOME.

DECEMBER 11, 2019: “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” …

December 12, 2019August 23, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

In order to fully appreciate these videos, first travel back with me a bit. If only I’d known how “one little moment in October” was going to play out and become such an important part of our journey I’d have kept better record of the exact date and time. But alas …

“AUGUST 22, 2019“. Sufficed to say, there are still so many parts of “that night” and what led up to it that most people don’t know, don’t need to know, and quite frankly, may NEVER know, simply because so much of this nightmare has traumatized Gia in ways that will impact her psyche forever. She has so much to process through that I simply cannot explain and her road to recovery is not going to be easy.

That being said, and as some of you already know, she had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and depression of her own that night. Meanwhile, at just around 10:30 in the morning on August 23, 2019, I stepped outside her room for just a minute only to see the Parker police chief walking up the hallway towards me with “that look on his face” that I already knew what he was going to say, but then the words:

Mrs. Williamson, we did locate your husband in his car this morning with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I am so sorry to inform you that he is, in fact, deceased.

… at which point I fell to the ground with a guttural wail that I’m told could be heard throughout the hospital. An hour later, she was taken by ambulance from the ER to in-patient treatment where she stayed for the eight longest days of my life.

Very long and tragic story short? My daughter has suffered! Of course, we both have, but her heart is broken in ways and pieces that I can’t even begin the fathom. After “that night”, with the exception of the pure happiness she was feeling on the first day at her new school, MY DAUGHTER COULD NOT SMILE! She’d been broken in too many ways by too many people to count for so many years ahead of “that night” that by the time he went and left us the way he did, she was DONE with smiling, and understandably so.

Meanwhile, last year when we moved to Parker we noticed this “holiday house” near ours. You know, “one of those houses” where the homeowners go completely overboard in all the right ways to make passers by drive past SMILING and leave filled with holiday joy and spirit! Well, these “holiday house” people even decked their halls for Halloween, which by the way, is Gia’s favorite holiday of all!

The displays they put out each season are absolutely incredible and only God Himself knows how much time they must spend putting them together. They’re synced up with a local radio station, the character boards dance and sing with lights, lights, and more lights everywhere! Last year, all three of us must driven by both displays at least a dozen times, and Zack and Gia had been looking so forward to seeing what they were going to put out this year.

So that with, I’ll go ahead and get to the point. This October, Gia and I were on our way home when lo and behold, “the Halloween display was up”! But she was so downtrodden and her was spirit still so broken, that as we approached their house (which is situated on the corner of a thoroughfare we pass by to get home every single day) she didn’t even glance at it. Her elbow was resting on the door with her chin in hand and she was just … silent. Still, I decided to make the turn and stop in front of the display anyway, thinking, “what could it hurt”. Well am I ever glad I did!

As we sat there watching the digital monsters doing their little dance and the light display just a rollin’ and poppin’, I caught a glimpse at the side of her face and I just about started to cry. No, wait! I did cry! SHE WAS SMILING! For the first time in SO LONG … SHE WAS SMILING! It was probably one of THE best nights I’ve had since this nightmare started, and my words just fail to do it justice. When we got home, and although she still can’t really talk about or hear his name at this point, we both agreed:

Dad would have loved that!

I gotta tell ya, folks … that moment was a true “light in the dark”. It was that little glimmer of hope that somehow, somewhere, buried beneath all her trauma, heartache, and ashes is not just my daughter, but all the beautiful memories of her and her dad that she can’t afford to let surface at this point because they’re just too fucking painful.

A couple of weeks after “the night of the lights”, I was sitting in my office and I started thinking to myself:

Those people put SO much of themselves into those displays every season, and THIS season that display just bought your kid the smile of a lifetime! I wonder if anyone has really ever thanked them for pouring themselves into “strangers” the way they do?

… at which point I made the decision to drop them a little gift and a thank you note for what they unknowingly did for my daughter. Not too long after that and I got a friend request on Facebook. IT WAS HER … “the holiday house lady!” Slowly but surely she’s becoming less and less of a stranger and a couple of nights ago she messaged me to let me know that they were going to do something special for Gia, which is what these videos are about. So, with all that being said …

Dearest “Barri and Gerri”:

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!

My heart is beyond full, so is my daughter’s, and I’m pretty flipping sure my husband’s is too, because I believe with EVERY shred of my being that he is seeing ALL of this! I bet you never realized what an impact your hearts, generosity, and kindness for STRANGERS was going to make on my little girl during her very darkest hours. WELL, NOW YOU KNOW! “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” is the tag-line of my life now, and YOUR lights have killed some of ours! You will always be in my heart and prayers going forward.

~ Love Cat

DECEMBER 8, 2019: “Death Is Nothing At All”…

December 8, 2019December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Last night, I stumbled upon the “memory” of a post I’d made on Facebook four years prior, December 8th, 2015. It was in reference to an annual visit I’d made to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers, and ironically, take a wild guess what I did yesterday afternoon? I made the annual visit to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers. This was what I’d posted:

I held an angel in my arms for 4.25 hours, who left my world as swiftly as she entered it, thus bestowing me the privilege of seeing her very first breath, and then her very last. When her heart stopped, so did mine, for what seemed like an eternity, and in that moment I just knew that all the Light from my soul had slipped with hers forever. Quite certainly I was wrong though, because I am still right here, with a shining heart filled with joy and peace that has healed where I never knew it was broken. You see, I am a woman who was blessed in the presence of two dearly departed at the moment their mortal shackles were released, not the least of which was my precious daughter as my hands gave her right back to Heaven. It took a minute, plus twenty twisted years, but I’ve since found the words “all is well” to be so much more than endearing. For both of them survive with me in every shadow before and behind, and I feel their presences fervently locked in the deepest chasms of my mind. I never got to hear her voice, yet I recognize it clearly, and his are the chords that fill my heart with memories, joy, and laughter. Perhaps the greatest of my bittersweet Earthly triumphs was that moment I realized I was speaking of, writing about, and taking flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear, reveling in the truth that in their crossing my God had not forsaken me, but had all the while been sowing the seeds of my truly blind faith, and granting my greatest freedom. While of course I don’t delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, no longer do I fear Him. He’s but an Enigma who in one strange paradox both enlightens and ceases my need to comprehend. For in all my years living broken and whole at once, I’ve learned to grieve with hope, all is truly well, and I am fully awake.

Meanwhile, here I am, having danced with Death yet again at what seems a lifetime later. Do you know what has changed in my relationship with either God or Death since my husband’s sudden departure?

NOT A SINGLE THING!

As I was driving to the cemetery yesterday, I was concerned as to how I would handle it, especially in that not a year has passed since Zack came into my life that I’ve gone there on my own. He stood beside me through everything, and never could I have imagined standing at her grave alone. Yet, as I walked towards her resting place, the most beautiful breeze washed over me. I swear to God I felt so at peace! No tears. No trauma. No aching in my heart or knot in my stomach. Just solace. I knelt down, put the flowers in her vase, took the deepest breath I could, and slowly released it back into an atmosphere that I’m certain they were present in – my first born daughter, “my blaze of glory“, and now, the one true love of my life!

Their deaths have neither broken, nor stolen from or vanquished me, and everything they were is still every wonderous thing I am. They’ve but “slipped away into the next room” with others I’ve lost along the way, and they’ll all be waiting for me when I get There. They continue to survive with me in every shadow before and behind with their presences forever locked inside what are now the even deeper chasms of my mind. The precious ensemble of their voices perpetually fills my heart with memories, joy, and laughter.

As I write this, I still marvel at my triumph. Yes, I am able to speak of them, write about them, and take flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear. Yes, I do continue to revel in the truth that in their crossing my God has not forsaken me. He only continues sowing the seeds of my even stronger blind faith, making me the truly freest woman I’ve ever known. While I still do not delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, never will I fear Him … the Enigma who in one strange paradox continues to enlighten me while ceasing my need to comprehend. It’s been a long fifty years living broken and whole at once, but I continue to grieve with hope, with my eyes upon The Cross, and all remains truly well.

THE ANSWER

The lightning flashed as angels rode fiery chargers through the clouds. That answer scared me into tears and all the grownups laughed out loud. Now the years roll on, tired voices have all gone. Now they ride their thunder through the heavens. There’s a world in every drop of rain. Embracing oceans sweep us home again. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. They say for every living thing there’s a guide up in the sky that helps you pass from world to world, so you never really die. Then with scythe and cloak Death comes waltzing to your side. As the visions pass you ask if there was meaning to your life. As you strain to hear the answer, spirits sing and devils fiddle as he bends to whisper in your ear, he leaves you one more riddle. Oh, the answer lies beyond the pain. All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, and you shall find another life. And now my life is like a storm growing stronger every day. Like the unrelenting wind that comes to blow our lives away. So, I live each day like I know it’s my last. If there is no future, there must be no past. Now I know the answers never meant a thing and with each instant that I breathe I feel the joy that life can bring. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. {Richie Sambora}

FOOTNOTE:

“Death Is Nothing At All” when it comes to our fur babies, too.

NOVEMBER 30, 2019: “Puttin’ On My Lipstick” …

November 30, 2019November 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

She’s Puttin’ On Her Lipstick …

... turning up the music, slippin’ on her black dress, saying “you can do this”. Climbing in the front seat, looking out the window, going through the motions, trying just to let go of the tears that she cried, no solid goodbye. Tonight it ain’t gonna show. And even though she knows that it ain’t gonna fix it, she’s putting on her lipstick.

That’s right, people! It’s “Day #101” of my widowed journey, or rather, should I say, “the first day of the rest of my life”! I got up, fixed up, showed up, and GLOWED up! No VICTIM shall they see … no VICTIM shall I be! His life maybe over, but mine will just have to go on! I’ve got a sword at my side and God’s shield all around me. Yes, Zack made me strong, but guess what? I MADE ME STRONGER!

SECRETS MAKE YOU SICK!

I can’t stay chained to my secrets …

I can change … I can change tomorrow!

CHANGE TOMORROW

For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death did us part … and EVEN beyond?

LIFE MUST GO ON

Facebook “Memories”.

SAFE INSIDE

I SURVIVE!

IN THE DEEP

I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!

Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?

Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?”

IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES

I KNOW HE’S GOT THIS!

{“REOPENING A GIFT ~ APRIL 21, 2008“}

STARS

THIS is my reason “why”!

A QUEEN!

You DO KNOW that when you CHOSE to become a real estate agent that THIS is the life you signed up for, don’t you? You need to be working 24/7, nights AND weekends. OUR best interest should come before your own.

(“Anthony & Diane Massa”)

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

“PICTURE THIS”:

Meanwhile …

What are you doing, Good Cat, you silly little girl? Didn’t you see the cozy bed I put there for you to lay in, since I know it’s you’re your favorite spot in the house to nap? Why are you lying BESIDE it and not IN it?

Yes, Ma, I did see the cozy bed that you put here for me to lay in, and while I do so appreciate the gesture, I just want to lay in MY spot, the way I ALWAYS HAVE and ALWAYS WILL, unless or until I decide NOT to do! So, can I please just take my nap now?

LET’S ALL BE LIKE GOOD CAT!

Been there! Done that!

NEVER CHANGE

YOU CAN DO THIS!

No one EVER deserves the power to make you feel as though this world doesn’t need you anymore. I promise.

(The Real Cat Williamson On Quora)

(The Real Cat Williamson on Quora)

MAKE A WAVE

“Mrs. Williamson, we did, unfortunately, locate your husband in his car this morning with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I am so sorry to inform you that he is in fact deceased.”

… which point I fell to the ground with a guttural wail that I’m told could be heard throughout the hospital. This was, in fact, the worst feeling I have ever had in my life before. Thank you for asking and I apologize if this was a little “heavy”.

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

What are the worst cases of mental illness you have ever seen?

(The Real Cat Williamson On Quora)

SO SMALL

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

Facing yourself in the mirror, day after day, as a fake, a fraud and a murder. Yes, I believe that eating disorders are nothing less than murder attempts of OURSELVES. Please let me explain …

{The Real Cat Williamson On Quora}

But more so than anything …

To My Kids:

(“Virtual Love Letters“)

TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE I MADE THIS VIDEO <<CLICK HERE>>!

Have a blessed day please, and here’s the link to my post and my blog. Wouldn’t hate if you decided to follow it. I’m really trying to use our story for the betterment of others. Thank you Mr. M!

HOLD HER

If I can do this?

YOU CAN DO THIS!

GOD ONLY KNOWS

“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

(“That Music Thing“)

I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.

NETTIE

{Type O Negative}

Let the moron pay for it? Really? He said that? Okay then, I WILL, just watch me! I’ll take care of EVERYTHING, and he can ride his selfish gravy train straight to Hell!

MY WISH

DANGEROUS

Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.

“That” was the last road he traveled.

“There” was the last turn he ever made.

“Those” were the last things that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

But here’s the deal …

GHOST

What do you think adults should know about social media?

Think about things in your life that bring you joy. How do you ensure time for those people, experiences or moments?

Tell a story about a time when you made a mistake or experienced failure and what you learned?

***

Miss Cat, I know I’m just a kid and everything, but I hope you know that you are an inspiration to me, and you are doing a really good job raising Gia. I notice things about people. You are special and you’re raising a special girl.

THE RIDDLE

If I can do this,

YOU CAN DO THIS!

*******