JANUARY 28, 2020: “The Most Beautiful Fog In The Cosmos” …

January 27, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

One of my greatest treasures in life is the beautifully cryptic way my son communicates with me, and only me, by sending me “music messages. He’s been doing it since age 16 after I finally left our home in search of a different ending to the story I knew desperately needed to change:

The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time and just days before I had my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans and true friends), but until the moment I got the “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. Lol, and as is par for the course in this Diary, I have once again digressed …

“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

(“That Music Thing“)

His messages come at the most random times, and often in the wee hours of the morning, which is always bittersweet, because as every parent knows, those 3am texts from your kid can invoke momentary nightmares that only a parent can understand. Thanks be to GOD that regardless of the alarm that stops my heart every time I hear his text tone, so far they’ve only ever been his “communication”.

His latest message arrived this morning at the absolute craziest moment, and the instant I got it every ounce of adrenaline in my body dumped right back into my soul in all the most beautiful ways. I was standing at the end of my driveway in an abyss of fog like no other I’d ever seen and had no idea why I’d been so compelled to walk right into and stare at it. As you read in my response to him above:

I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.

Yet something made me want to take the picture, and as seen in the text, as soon as I held the camera up to take the shot, his text arrived. What in the actual HE JUST DID THAT, didn’t He? And no, I don’t mean Christian. It was Him! I just know it! It was God … or maybe Zack … or maybe all of “my people” phoning it in from their perfectly mistaken quarters in the sky. It was “Someone” or “Something” infinitely beyond this place set that ethereal moment up JUST for me! The Cosmos was beckoning me with its “message in the fog” music alchemy at that one perfect moment in time because it NEEDED me to plant my feet back on solid ground.

After I took the picture, I stood frozen in that moment and just listened to the words. Yes, it’s dark, and, indeed, somewhat tragic, but oh my GOD is it ever beautiful, and such is the story of my life. Its haunting chords called me right back to the shore like an actual foghorn in the dead of night, and what are the chances something like this would happen for me “out of the grey” just like that?

It’s half past one here in Dallas and the fog is starting to lift. As forlorn as it seemed when it greeted me this morning, I’m almost sad to see it go, because as soon as I received this cryptic message from deep within my son’s heart, it wrapped me in the most comforting blanket that could possibly ever have adorned me.

My kids truly are my most beautiful work and legacy and every diamond in my gleaming tiara, and despite the many circumstances that have darkened some of our days, I believe with every shred of my being that they are going to be okay. I’m his “Nettie” … I am loved … and I am the luckiest woman on this planet. Welcome to my “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT!” divinely punctuated existence.

NETTIE

Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. In the dark bathed in Cathode ray blue, Miss Red Hook of 1922, weeping silently for the pain of others. Every night a tearful rosary, a victim of the curse of empathy. Her reward of compassion is to suffer. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. My short coming, I know I caused her grief. Still, she loves me. This I can’t believe! Responding not with anger but a prayer, Heaven’s just Southwest of Cobbil Hill. True. I am the son of an angel. Maternally, not one woman compares. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. If you fall, I will catch you. When you’re lost, I’ll be there soon. Far away, but of course near. When you’re sad I am always here. Thank you from saving me from myself. Your compassion became its own hell. Unequivocally Beautiful inside and out. Without a doubt. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes.

{Type O Negative}

JANUARY 25, 2020: “His Wish For Her” …

January 25, 2020December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

This was one of the most bittersweet days of my journey thus far … her first high school interview. It was a day that Zack and I had been dreaming about for her for years.

If you knew him at all, you know how important her education was to him, and that it was the initial source of inspiration for the lifestyle he was determined to give us. He wanted her to have every “thing” and opportunity he’d never had as a child and wasn’t going to let anything stop him from laying the world at her feet.

It’s no secret that it was Zack, not her “real dad”, who single-handedly and happily paid for every cent of her private primary education. I fondly recall the very day this journey began …

We were newly married and still living in the little apartment in Fairview when first grade arrived. Since our address fed into in a public school with less than favorable stats and Christian had been privileged with a private education, Zack and I assumed that her dad would be on board with affording her the same opportunity and thus willing to split the cost with us. At that juncture, it was going to be a stretch for him, especially in that my “wedding gift” to him was: Me, a little girl, a recent stay at one of the most exclusive psychiatric facilities in the world, $35K of unsecured debt, a car we couldn’t afford, a mental health resume about 62 pages long, a less than support system, and oh yah, I wasn’t exactly what one would call “employable” then. YET WITHOUT HESITATION HE STEPPED UP TO THE ENTIRE PLATE FOR HER! Meanwhile, I remember the day I called her dad to ask what he thought about sending her to St. Mark’s like her brother. With a knife through my heart and a shot heard ’round the world his verbatim response was this:

Nope. Not happening. Guess you should have thought about that before you left here. Your gravy train is over honey, so why don’t you let the moron pay for it (then he literally laughed out loud). Have fun explaining to her one day why she couldn’t go to private school like her brother. Good job mom! Good job!

I was stunned by his callous response! What the actual HELL? “MY gravy train?” This wasn’t about me! IT WAS ABOUT HER! How could he be so cruel as to punish her to punish me? Don’t get me wrong – by no means am I saying that public school is a punishment. An education is only as good as the student himself, and a truly good student can and will flourish in any school setting, be it public, private, or home. Meanwhile, when I called Zack to tell him what her dad had said he was outraged in every sense of the word.

Let the moron pay for it? Really? He said that? Okay then, I WILL, just watch me! I’ll take care of EVERYTHING, and he can ride his selfish gravy train straight to Hell!

It was in that moment that his relentless fire was fueled with a determination like nothing I’d ever seen:

Catherine, I can do this! I’ll empty out my savings. I’ll get a second job. Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it. If I have to sell my soul to the Devil, she’ll have EVERYTHING Christian had. EVERYTHING I never had. She’s GOING to St. Mark’s and she’s GOING to a Catholic school. Trust me, SHE’S GOING!

When he got home that night, he explained how he planned to handle things for the first year and assured me that by the second grade he’d have the rest figured out. Then, this is what he did: HE EMPTIED OUT HIS LIFETIME FITNESS CENTER 401K TO PAY FOR HER FIRST YEAR’S TUITION! The very 401K he’d been faithfully contributing to with the specific intention of eventually buying himself that brand new car he’d always wanted. Yes, he did that for her. My husband … her “stepdad”. HE DID THAT! The rest is merely history, and many of you have good sense about the life he built for us in less than a decade.

As and aside, please don’t mistake this post as braggard. If you know me at all you know damn good and well that I have never forgotten how this story began: With sterling silver James Avery wedding bands, a tiny one-bedroom apartment, and nothing but a pocket full of dreams.

Yes, today is bittersweet. I’ve thought crying so many times since waking up to the cold, hard reality that he’s not here to revel in the triumph, pride, and joy of a day he worked for, dreamt of, and looked forward to since the day she bounced into his life, but I didn’t want to rain on her parade. Despite the impossible strength she very clearly recognizes in my process and recovery, the road to her process and recovery from the trauma that was his ironic and tragic parting gift to her is still so long ahead.

There’s an unspoken rule between the two of us right now. She knows I’m okay, and that I know she’s going to be okay, but for her sake alone, my darker days, tears and moments are best spent in private. At the end of the day however, as I sit with all this emotion, I am once again comforted in this peace: HE WAS WITH US TODAY! He’s with us every day. Knowing the God Whose hands are wrapped around my heart like I do? The actual reality is not as cold and hard as I thought. He is reveling in the triumph, pride and joy of “this day” he made happen for her with his legacy of love! He’s watching us from “the next room” through his Supernova telescope.

MY WISH

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, and each road leads you where you wanna go. And if you’re faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. And if one door opens to another door closed, I hope you keep on walkin’ till you find the window. If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile. But more than anything, more than anything … My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish. I hope you never look back, but you never forget all the ones who love you in the place you live. I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, and you help somebody every chance you get. Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake and always give more than you take. But more than anything, yeah, more than anything … My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you’re out there getting where you’re getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too. Yeah, this, is my wish. {Rascal Flatts}

~ “1,334 Days Later” ~
(But hey, who’s counting, right)

JANUARY 24, 2020: “I’d Rather Be Dangerous” …

January 23, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… when it’s 9:19 in the morning, 156 days since you’re life took a turn for the “you know what you have to do now”, you get this message from the “Second Phoenix Rising” and are reminded once again that all this pain has only ever been a gift. To you. To her. To the world! She gets it, I can feel it, and she really is going to be the final game changer for this story once and for all. It’s moments like these that keep me as a locked and loaded “danger to society” in every best way possible. Dear GOD, thank you for all this pain.

DANGEROUS

I could stand behind my barricade. Do what I’m told and be afraid to change. While isolated by the mainstream. With the current up against me. Well maybe if my arms were ten feet tall I could finally reach that crystal ball. ‘Cause I still find inside there’s something braver. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. I’m not making conversation. But I’ll state my observations. Well I could buy my faith like a plot in the ground. But I was never lost and I never had a doubt. ‘Cause I still find it’s not my imagination. And I, I won’t be, I won’t be the silent damnation. I will never be voiceless. My weapon of choice is I’d rather be dangerous. I won’t be left defenseless, as God is my witness, I’d rather be dangerous. Everybody is somebody, and anybody is you. I own my story. I won’t say sorry and neither should you. {Shinedown}

JANUARY 23, 2020: “My Ghost Gang” …

January 23, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because who else could I possibly blame for the current state of my broken but still beating heart? How else could I possibly explain what isn’t happening to me in the wake of all this devastation? While driving home yesterday it hit me once again, that yes, it is true, I AM A WARRIOR QUEEN! Let me tell you why …

Most of you probably already know that my husband took his own life at “just before midnight, Thursday, August 22nd“. But what you probably don’t know is where he did it:

Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.

Keep in mind that the entrance to this subdivision is at an intersection on the main thoroughfare between the very small town that I live in and the larger neighboring one. Since the majority of my time is spent in the neighboring one, unless I make a consorted effort to avoid that intersection I love to hate so much, I have no choice but to traverse that road often multiple times daily and come face to face with THESE gut-wrenching, sobering facts:

“That” was the last road he traveled.

“There” was the last turn he ever made.

“Those” were the last things that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

I’m not gonna lie, in the immediate weeks that followed his suicide, I avoided that road at all costs and had made a firm pact with myself to NEVER drive down it again. After all, what person in their right mind could under the circumstances? So many of my people were highly concerned for me in that regard, and rightfully so.

But here’s the deal …

It’s not me … it’s Him! I’m tellin’ you, people! IT’S HIM (and the “ghost gang” He’s got covering me 25/8, 366 days a year! Call them angels. Call them spirits. Call them whatever in Heaven or “Somewhere” other than here that you want. All I know is that “whoever they are” or “whatever they are” is very, extremely real to me, and for that, I am infinitely thankful.

GHOST

There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not like those draped in old bed sheets. Saying “trick or treat”. Different. Oh, this ghost is different. Not one that leaves me scared to death. But one that puts my fear to rest. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. There’s a ghost. There’s a ghost inside of me. Not something from some campfire story. Where I’m terrified to sleep. Opposite. This ghost is quite the opposite. He came just like a welcomed friend. And I was comforted. Oh, holiness keep haunting me. Oh, you’re my hope, you’re my peace. Ironic in a way. I’m no longer afraid. And the ghost is to blame. I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid. No longer afraid. {Mercy Me}

JANUARY 21, 2020: “The Answer” …

January 21, 2020December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

There’ve been so many days in my life when even the most unassuming things have had the most profound effects on my spirit, but yesterday might take the cake. I had to leave the house for an appointment, but because it was Martin Luther King Day, Gia asked to stay behind and relax. Honestly? I’m just now getting accustomed to leaving her home alone in the wake of all she’s been through, but she had to complete the last of her high school applications, and she is 14 going on 15, so I agreed. As I was headed out, I found her sitting at the computer typing away at the application. Mind you, I hadn’t yet looked at the questions and had no idea what she was writing. I returned to find her nesting peacefully at her little “perch” upstairs working on her latest sketch and singing out loud to her favorite Beatle’s vinyl. (Yes, she was born in the wrong decade!) After settling in, I made it back to the computer only to find it left open to the questions and answers she’d been working on, which of course I had to read:

What do you think adults should know about social media?

I think adults should know that while there are obvious dangers with social media (just as there are in MANY aspects of life), it also has the potential to do great things. Social media allows people to support and encourage others not only in your local circle of friends and family, but worldwide. My personal experiences with social media, although limited by my own choice, have been very positive. I’ve found role models and people who’ve inspired me to become a better person physically, mentally and spiritually.

Think about things in your life that bring you joy. How do you ensure time for those people, experiences or moments?

I believe that when something or someone makes you truly happy, you won’t need to find time for them – they’ll happen spontaneously. If you must sit down and THINK about finding ways to work something you love into your everyday life, there’s a much bigger issue at hand. People, experiences and special moments can’t be planned – they stay in your life and follow you throughout your journey. You will find that the people who bring you joy always manage to be a priority without even trying. I think that’s part of what love really is – not having to think or plan when you will show appreciation or care because you already do so without thinking. And experiences? Well, I firmly believe are priceless! Be them good or bad, every experience you have teaches you things and makes you a stronger and better person. If you have a chance to experience something you should focus on that moment because you might not ever experience it ever again and you should appreciate it before it’s too late and get caught thinking, “I should have appreciated it a lot sooner,” or “Why did I not live in the moment?”

Tell a story about a time when you made a mistake or experienced failure and what you learned?

I have made many mistakes and experienced many failures throughout my life. As a human, I am bound to do both repeatedly. My biggest mistake, however, was allowing all the hardships I experienced have such a negative impact on me. I have dealt with bullying and trauma for practically my whole life and let those things and people bring me down, feel worthless and lose my faith. I got to a very bad place and treated myself horribly, allowing myself to believe all that I was being told and all the bad things I thought. I let those things blind me from the fact that God made me, and He loves me no matter what anyone says or does. It took a lot of hard work to dig myself out of the dark hole I had put myself in, but I prevailed. With the help of loved ones, heroes and most importantly my God in heaven, I’ve survived. I learned that God will put things in my path to strengthen me and that when I hit a bump in the road, I keep going, because I was made to be strong and fight for who I am and what I believe no matter what. I’ve learned my value well and learned how to love people and care for them unconditionally, just like God does. Most importantly, however, I learned a lesson that many people never learn and a lesson that I believe is the most important one to learn: I learned how to love myself just as God made me and just as God loves me.

*******

So, go ahead and ask me if I wept after reading these words. Umm, yah … LIKE A BABY! I was so emotional in all the best ways that I had to sneak back to my room, shut the door, and just sit in the chair a while to process through the flood. This is my “reason”. This is my “why”. THIS is the answer to “The Riddle”.

None of this is about me, nor will it ever be! It’s about him, and her – the fruit from my branch that will bear the legacy of strength, courage, and unconditional love for not only others, but most of all, THEMSELVES, that I hope to leave behind. It’s about living out loud in the truths I’ve learned in all the hardest ways and being the answer to all their riddles. It’s about leading by example until my fledgling phoenix rises above all this darkness, and never losing faith that my first-born prince will eventually find the strength to fly from the inside and get that God-forsaken Venom suit off his soul, just like his mother finally did. It’s about days like yesterday when I come face to face with vindication and proof that I must be doing something right!

To top it all off, Gia and spent last night at dinner and a movie with her boyfriend and his little sister, both of who I adore, and who are also living proof and vindication of their own parents’ forward shift in their family’s legacy. Their parents have become a fiercely true and loyal support to me and my daughter, and the mom especially is someone who I very much admire as a woman in her own right, such that after hearing THESE words just before the movie started from her daughter, “one of my ‘lil besties”, the victory I’d experienced just hours earlier became infinitely sweeter than I could have imagined:

Miss Cat, I know I’m just a kid and everything, but I hope you know that you are an inspiration to me, and you are doing a really good job raising Gia. I notice things about people. You are special and you’re raising a special girl.

My heart couldn’t be any fuller tonight if I wanted it to be. I’m a very happy girl.

THE RIDDLE

There was a man back in ’95 whose heart ran out of summers but before he died, I asked him, “Wait, what’s the sense in life? Come over me. Come over me.” He said, “Son why you got to sing that tune? Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon. Let an angel swing and make you swoon then you will see … you will see.” Then he said, “Here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”. Picked up my kid from school today. “Did you learn anything cause in the world today? You can’t live in a castle far away. Now talk to me. Come talk to me.” He said, “Dad I’m big but we’re smaller than small. In the scheme of things, well we’re nothing at all. Still every mother’s child sings a lonely song. So, play with me. Come play with me. And hey dad, here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”. I said, “Son for all I’ve told you, when you get right down to the reason for the world: Who am I?” There are secrets that we still have left to find. There have been mysteries from the beginning of time. There are answers we’re not wise enough to see. He said, “You looking for a clue … I LOVE YOU FREE!” The batter swings and the summer flies as I look into my angel’s eyes. A song plays on while the moon is high over me. Something comes over me. I guess we’re big and I guess we’re small. If you think about it man, you know we got it all cause we’re all we got on this bouncing ball and I love you free … I LOVE YOU FREE!” Here’s a riddle for you … find The Answer. There’s a reason for the world: You and I”.{Five For Fighting}

JANUARY 18, 2020: “Get Up!” …

January 18, 2020November 4, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because just in case someone out there needs to hear these words right now:

I know you’re clinging to the light of day to tell you everything’s A-OK! A medication don’t do much. Yeah, it just numbs the brain. Guess you might say I’m a little intense. I’m on the bright side of being HELL BENT! So, take it from me, you’re not the only one who can’t see straight. If you were ever in doubt, don’t sell yourself short, you might be bulletproof. It’s hard to move mountains when you’re paralyzed, but you gotta try. And I’m calling out … GET UP, GET UP, GET A MOVE ON!”
(Shinedown)

If I can do this,

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Besides, if it doesn’t actually kill you, it really will only make you stronger, if not completely fucking BULLETPROOF! Now then: Go on … GET UP … get a move on! Oh, and, listen to one of my favorite songs EVER!

JANUARY 17, 2020: “When You Walk With Angels” …

January 18, 2020December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Last night I dreamt about Zack for what seemed like hours, one very real scene after another, but it wasn’t until Gia and I got in the car to go to school that she something that literally knocked the breathe out of me:

Mom, Dad was in my dream last night.

It was the same exact feeling I’d had “just before midnight” on August 22nd at that moment I physically felt him leaving this Earth. This time, however, I had the breathe knocked out of me in a good way. The incomprehensible juxtaposition of our two dreams was nothing, everything, and all of it, and let me tell you why …

SHE HASN’T DREAMT OF HIM SINCE “THAT NIGHT“!

She hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice. He’s just been gone. So, what are the chances that he would avail himself to both of us on the very same night in such a truly powerful way? It was no coincidence. It was him … and it was real!

Although she hasn’t told me what the dream was about or the specifics of his presence, I could see she that was even more at peace and relaxed than ever today. Whatever the nature of his visit to her may have been, it was clearly very real to her, as well!

Sooner or later she will “tell me everything”, and I’m beyond thankful for the bond I share with both my kids in this regard. It may be months or even years before she finally does, but it doesn’t really matter, because in this moment all I know is he was here to finally answer my most burning questions and let me know he’s still with me, still watching me, and isn’t not going anywhere.

For the record, he also said:

There’s something coming. Something huge. Something bigger than you can imagine. SOME “ONE”. You’re going to be okay. I love you, Catherine. I always did and always will. I’m sorry I hurt you both … I’m sorry that I left you this way … It wasn’t about you, it was ME … but you’re doing so good and I’m SO proud of you. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing and believe that everything is going to be okay. Better than okay. I promise.

There were other very specific things he said about my future, all of which are now written on a piece of paper in my nightstand drawer that I will share with the small handful of people who are closest to me as a solid point of reference and accountability to their validity down the road if and when they do actually avail themselves in the manner in which he said.

So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Maybe I am! But hey, it is what it is! I believe in my heart that he’s still walking with me. THEY ALL ARE! My angels will always walk with me and their love is still very much alive. True love never dies … it just “slips into the next room” …

WALK WITH ANGELS

Love is alive – alive like a newborn child. Love is a war – broken and running wild. Love is a thief and it’s stealing our hearts tonight. You give it to me. You’ve given me all I need. You’re all I see. You’re all I wanted to be. Can you take me with you where you walk with angels? Where you walk with angels. Love’s around you now. You walk with angels wherever you are. You walk with angels …” {Aaron Hendra}

JANUARY 8, 2020: “The Ashes Of Eden” …

January 8, 2020April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Having proceeded with this trip despite the literal and metaphorical ashes he left us in, I’d decided that this would be the perfect place to spread the first of his ashes. Not only because this was supposed to be his trip, too, but more so because it’s somewhere he belonged. Although he never lived here, after having traced his ancestry to find out who he really was, much to his surprise, he’d discovered that he was of predominantly European descent. So, when we stumbled upon the beautiful brook that runs about The Blarney Castle gardens, we just knew it was the perfect spot!

Since his “blood” never bothered to take him home, my kids and I have firmly decided that not only did they never deserve him in the first place, they will never get to have him again. In the years to come, we will include the ashes we had formerly set aside for them amongst those we will journey with to the many places his ancestors once called “home”, not the least of which is Wales, where we discovered the origin of his Williamson klan.

So, with that, I will end with my adaptation the most befitting lyrics for this moment …

Zachariah,

Despite your many mistakes and all the ways you hurt us, I knew your heart AND your faith in God. I cannot and will not discount the unconditional forgiveness and grace that He showed in that moment He reached for your hand. I know your faith was rewarded when you came to your end, and no final warning did you miss. Yes, He called for you, and He saw your soul within, and yes, Zachariah, you were worthy. He was with you after all, and although the demon that was living in your head prevented you from hearing His voice or feeling His presence, indeed He was with you through it all as the ashes of Eden did fall. The darkness is no longer falling upon you. The air no longer grows thin. No more voices haunting. You have nothing left to fear. There is nothing left but the shining Light from Heaven above Who has taken your hand to His everlasting will.

ASHES OF EDEN

Will the faithful be rewarded when we come to the end? Will I miss the final warning from the lie that I have lived? Is there anybody calling? I can see the soul within, and I am not worthy. I am not worthy of this. Are you with me after all? Why can’t I hear you? Are you with me through it all? Then why can’t I feel you? Stay with me don’t let me go because there’s nothing left at all. Stay with me don’t let me go until the ashes of Eden fall. Will the darkness fall upon me when the air is growing thin? Will the Light begin to pull me to its everlasting will? I can hear the voices haunting. There is nothing left to fear. And I am still calling. I am still calling to You. Heaven above me, take my hand. Shine until there’s nothing left but You. {Breaking Benjamin}

JANUARY 6, 2020: “O Say Can You See?” …

January 6, 2020April 4, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

~ January 6, 2021 ~
(At The Bunratty Castle, Ireland)

This was one of THE best nights of our life!

Well I’m gonna sing the only song there is to sing!

… then my son sang our National Anthem! Even despite what the three of us have been through, who was missing, and why we were even on this trip to Ireland in the first place, if only we had known what was to become of this beautiful country not too long after we arrived home.

Oh say can you see … by the dawn’s early light … what so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming. Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight. O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming? And the rocket’s red glare … the bombs bursting in … gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O say does that star-spangled banner yet wave … o’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

For the record, I’m a lover of every country on this beautiful Atlas. Of course, I’m a Patriot, but more so than anything, I am a human being who is thankful for human beings … no matter “where” on this globe they call home or the shade of skin they wear. My pride in America is by no means a slight or disregard to any other country’s soil. I’m a blessed American woman, indeed it is true. But I’m for the love of all people – everywhere – because … WE ALL BLEED RED!

JANUARY 1, 2020: “I Dare You” …

January 1, 2020April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

TO THE “ME” I’M LEAVING BEHIND:

… “I DARE YOU”!

Hello! Let me introduce you to the characters in the show. One says yes, one says no. Decide – which voice in your head you can keep alive? Even in madness I know you still believe! Paint me on canvas so I become what you could never be. I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire! Wear my soul and call me a liar! I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire. I dare you to tell me. I dare you to …
Hello, are you still chasing the the memories in shadows? Some stay young, some grow old. Come alive – there are thoughts unclear you can never hide. Even in madness I know you still believe. Paint me your canvas so I become what you could never be. I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire! Wear my soul and call me a liar! I dare you to tell me to walk through the fire! I dare you to tell me. I dare you to …” {Shinedown}

HERE’S TO ANOTHER HALF A CENTURY OF SURVIVING!

DECEMBER 30, 2019: “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” …

December 30, 2019September 28, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“Bubbikins”
{Season 3, Episode 4 ~ “The Crown”}

In keeping with my promise to myself and all of you, I’ve been working like a madwoman since Christmas morning uploading as many entries as possible before leaving for Ireland on Friday, starting with the day I was born. After being glued to my chair for 96 straight hours straight, with only four real breaks in between, I’d made it all the way to the entry where I revealed what really happened that Sunday in April of 2009 that finally pushed me over the edge to that lovely placed called “The Meadows”. It was the day of my nervous breakdown. It had been a long time since I’d read it, and transferring the words from the desktop “diary” I’d been keeping for years to this published blog version was jarring:

They literally had to peel my son from my body so that I could get into the car. He too was sobbing and I’d never seen him cry so much or so hard. And Gia? She looked so lost, like a little puppy that just wanted someone to pick her up and hold her.

(“Circadian“)

As I flashed back to that day and remembered everything that happened, it broke my heart into pieces all over again knowing how it broke their hearts into pieces having to live through such trauma, at which point I became so emotional that I had to call it a night and cry myself to sleep.

If you know me well, you know that I have long been fascinated with English history, the monarchy, and most specifically Prince Phillip, “The Duke Of Edinburgh“. If you know anything about him, his truly tragic childhood, or the lifetime of personal sacrifice and struggle upon becoming The Queen’s consort, you know that, like me, he is a true and living phoenix. I could wax poetic about the man. Actually, now that I think of it, when recently asked, “If you could meet anyone and have conversation with them, who would it be?”, he was immediately one of the only two people who came to mind. Of course, that is unrealistic, but the sentiment remains, because although “who he is” puts him so far out of my reach, I would have truly love to be able to just talk to him for a couple of hours during my lifetime. As and aside, one thing I can also tell you is that my husband’s life story and heart were so much like Prince Phillip’s that I often addressed him as “The Duke” in our home.

With that, there’s a show I’ve been watching called “The Crown” on Netflix that loosely depicts the life and reign of Queen Elizabeth. With everything that’s been consuming me lately I’ve missed quite a bit of it, so I decided to just binge for the night and pick up where I’d left off, at Season 3, Episode 4, “Bubbikins”.

Throughout the series, the viewers are led to an understanding of Prince Philip’s lifelong perception of abandonment by his mother, Princess Alice Of Battenburg. “Bubbikins”, however, reveals that the real reason she’d been absent from his childhood was that she’d been diagnosed with schizophrenia, committed to an array of psychiatric asylums, and subjected to a series of inhumane “treatments” for her mental illness, the worst of which was by Sigmund Freud, including a flashback of her being ripped away from him while being hauled off to one of those asylums.

Ultimately, however, we find Prince Phillip visiting his mother’s room at the palace after having read what he referred to as “a love letter” about her in the paper and having come to a shockingly different perspective about not only her past but “their past as well. He wanted to apologize to her:

(PRINCE PHILIP READING FROM THE PAPER TO HIS MOTHER): Princess Alice is that rarest of creatures – a member of the royal family that has suffered more than the rest of us, worked harder than the rest of us and created more good than the rest of us … she was consistently misunderstood, marginalized and underestimated … but instead of bitterness Princess Alice dedicated her life to charity work, public service and campaigning for social justice often at great personal risk. I owe you an apology.

(PRINCESS ALICE): Whatever for?

My faithlessness.

If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it’s the other way around … when we were forced to leave Greece I couldn’t cope. I needed care. I needed help.

That wasn’t help that they gave you, it was torture.

They tried their best.

No, the treatment they gave you was barbaric and your courage in rising above it was remarkable.

I didn’t do it alone. I couldn’t have. I had help every step of the way. Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness. How is your faith?

Dormant.

That’s not good. Let this be a mother’s gift to her child. That one piece of advice: Find yourself a faith. It helps. No – not just helps. It’s everything.

Oh, my Father, how can I ever repay You? You called in my Angels again, didn’t You? You love me. I know You do! What are the chances that the very next thing You needed me to see, hear, and absorb last night after falling apart at this keyboard with reinstated guilt over everything I’ve put my kids through was EXACTLY what I needed to yet again remind me that in everything You have a purpose? While I’m certainly not insinuating that either I or my life are anything like Princess Alice’s, I know You had that entire series of events lined up just for me! Right on cue, You were sending me a message:

HAVE FAITH MY CHILD. You’re going to be okay. They’re going to be okay. Someday they will understand.

To which my reply and the only way I can repay You is: No, I’m NOT doing this alone. I have help every step of the way. So, I’ll keep standing strong in my faith. It doesn’t just “help” – IT’S EVERYTHING! I love You.

DECEMBER 28, 2019: “Still So Far From Home” …

December 28, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear “Brother” …

I understand that you are upset right now and maybe a little with me too. All I am asking you at this point for HIS sake and for the sake of all that he went through while he was here on this Earth is that you please try to come to terms with his truths. His realities. His last wishes and decisions. That note he left us was a gift. IT WAS FOR US, NOT FOR THEM! You, me, Gia and Rick? We were “his family”! No one else! Those words he wrote in his suicide note were not intended for either the general public, the world at large and most ESPECIALLY the “family” that threw him away like garbage! I will always consider you my family D. And in my journey to speak his truths I will never fail to credit you for being the only brother he had because that is how he saw it! That’s how he spoke of you and that’s what he made painfully clear to anyone that paid attention. He always felt that you were “caught in a void” between “all of them and the truth” because maybe copping to the sobering facts was going to be as painful for you to bear as it was for him. When Zack made the decision to excise them and the “thought of them” from his heart it was a bittersweet and painful gift to unto himself.

So, that’s all there is to it. Rick and I are here for you when you’re ready to talk true facts. I truly hope you can be well someday. He worried about you incessantly and I cannot say it enough! It always bothered the fuck out of him how you let them treat you like a revolving door, only using you as they needed you, in and out, in and out, and there was nothing he could do or say to convince you to stand up for yourself and say ENOUGH and walk away like he did! He kept praying you’d find a family of your own one day, a nice, safe, loving woman to finally give you a real home and some joy and healing and peace so that you’d finally “not need to accept their bullshit scraps and leftovers”. Your brother’s legacy “before he got sick” will carry on somehow – I’LL MAKE SURE OF IT! You need to do everything you can to honor him and all that has happened here and start finding a way to, in fact, say the words: NO MORE SCRAPS AND LEFTOVERS!

And for the record, regardless of how it appears on the surface there is no “hatred” in my heart for anyone involved here. I feel nothing for the people that destroyed my beautiful husband from the cradle to the grave! Nothing! Absolutely NOTHING! They aren’t worth my energy! If anything, I feel sorry for them all because they missed out on REALLY knowing one THE BEST human souls that ever walked this planet. They missed out on his “best 10 years” and getting to see him flourish. Smile. Succeed. Grow. Be fearless. Courageous. Change. Become self-aware and strong (much stronger than he even knew). Experience joy. Laughter. Happiness. They missed out on getting to know what an amazing human being, husband, brother, friend and DAD he was to Gia! We got the BEST of him. Everything good he ever did, was or could have possibly been, WE GOT TO HAVE AND WITNESS IT. He was a fucking miracle and you can’t not know it’s true. With all the odds stacked against him, statistically the last 10 years should probably have never happened. He was the frog who turned into a prince and then eventually into a king – he just needed love, and a home and a family to get there. And? HE FINALLY HAD IT! It’s just that the holes your mother left inside his broken heart were deeper than any of us know and he couldn’t find his way out of them anymore. He got too tired and fell. THEY ALL FAILED HIM MISERABLY AND YOU KNOW IT! I’m sorry if this upsets you. I just want you to help me honor, validate and hold ALL his many painful truths and realities up to the light. It’s the right thing to do and I WILL NOT HAVE IT ANY OTHER WAY!

{Text To “Brother” dated September 12, 2019}

As of this night, December 28, 2019, neither of the only two “blood family” he’d ever believed he could rely on to be there when all of his cards were down bothered to “come and get him”. These are the keepsake urns that Rick and I had made for each of them on the day he and I went alone to make the arrangements for my husband because neither of them could be bothered. Somehow, we both foolishly believed that for once in his life or his death at least one of them would finally just show up for him! “Taking him home” is no longer an option for either of them at this point, however, as I would rather spread these ashes amongst the footsteps of his ancestors in all the places he dreamed of going than let anyone treat him like “scrap” ever again!

FAR FROM HOME

Another day in this carnival of souls. Another night’s end ends as quickly as it goes. The memories are shadows, ink on the page. And I can’t seem to find my way home. And it’s almost like your Heaven’s trying everything. Your Heaven’s trying everything to keep me out. All the places I’ve been and things I’ve seen. A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams. The faces of people I’ll never see again, and I can’t seem to find my way home. ‘Cause it’s almost like your heaven’s trying everything to break me down. ‘Cause it’s almost like your heaven’s trying everything to keep me out. To break me down. {Five Finger Death Punch}

DECEMBER 26, 2019: “Hey, Mother, Father” …

December 26, 2019August 31, 2024 The Diary Of My Perfection

~ by The Phoenix Collaborative Project ~

MOTHER, FATHER

She sits alone, an empty stare. A mother’s face she wears. Where did she go wrong? The fight is gone. Lord help this broken home. Hey, mother, father, sister Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. With dreams he tried. Lost his pride. He drinks his life away. One photograph in broken glass. It should not end this way. Hey, mother, father, sister. Hey, come back, tryin’, believin’. Hey, mother, father, dreamer. Don’t you know that I’m alive for you? I’m your seventh son. And when lightning strikes the family. Have faith, believe. Through bitter tears and wounded years those ties of blood were strong. So much to say. Those yesterdays. So now don’t you turn away Have faith. Believe. Believe.

(Journey)

DECEMBER 25, 2019: “Starting Over As A Queen” …

December 25, 2019November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

So, here’s my parting message and Christmas gift to all the people who built the bullshit fucking roadblocks that were keeping me stuck in the driveway in the four decades before finally opening my eyes to all my “broken feelings” and finding the truths behind the lies that were my former realities.

Zack and I first heard this song in 2007, and it immediately became a catalyst in unraveling the mystery of what had broken each of us before ever meeting at Lifetime. It spoke volumes as to our prior journeys – it was who we were, where we’d been, and why we needed to cut ties with many people in our lives and truly just start over. It was a cryptic message to everyone that had discarded us at virtually every critical juncture, not the least of which were “our blood and bones“ …

You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold?

Today, I’ll spend another “first” without him completely severed from a family that has yet again “washed their hands of me”. Guess what? That’s okay! I WAS MARRIED TO A KING! An imperfect, broken, mortal king with a rare and true heart of gold, who not only gave me every “thing” a woman could want, but more so his heart, his soul, his eyes, his faith, and his unconditional love for the first time in all my life, all of which made me a QUEEN!

HE WAS MARRIED TO A QUEEN! An imperfect, broken, mortal queen with a rare and true heart of gold who not only gave him every “thing” a man could want, but more so her heart, her eyes, her soul, her faith, and her unconditional love for the for the first time in all his life, all of which made him a KING! Clearly, he fell, with a tragic twist that most will ever know and hurt us in unspeakable ways. But today is Christmas, and who was better at forgiving than Jesus? Indeed, I have forgiven him for the devastation that ended our story.

But here’s what ELSE you should know …

I FORGIVE YOU for the fact that you mocked, punished, laughed at, or burned me alive on a cross every time I let you down, embarrassed or disgraced your reputations when I failed miserably at all the things I failed at.

I FORGIVE YOU for invalidating, disregarding, and discrediting my feelings as “drama, immaturity, ingratitude, or self-pity”.

I FORGIVE YOU for abusing the trust I placed in you with vulnerabilities and truths by throwing them back in my face and driving nails into my already broken heart.

I FORGIVE YOU for taking it so personally when I decided to break the cycle, and for just standing there watching as I fought tirelessly to get that God-forsaken Venom suit off my weak and weary body so that maybe one day my daughter’s daughters or my son’s sons will be the first branches from this sick and dying tree to not end up in a psych ward because they want to blow their own brains out!

I FORGIVE YOU for only loving me when I was good enough to be loved, but “washing your hands of me” when I broke all the rules that you decided would be best for me, which (PS), were complete and total double standards of BULLSHIT! As it turns out, it’s okay to live life on our own terms, if not the best thing one can do. The wisest spiders are proud of the babies that manage to get out of the webs they may have unintentionally spun and find a way to survive this fucking life in peace!

I FORGIVE YOU FOR NOT FORGIVING ME for being an imperfect human being and I forgive you for all the times that you abandoned me.

But more so than that …

Thank you for everything you’ve done to hurt me, because that’s how I became an “apostrophe“! It was YOU who pointed me straight to both my Kings – the One born today and the fallen one. He may be gone now, but I’m still right here with the crown and sword he left for me to wear, charging bravely forward all the days I have left here! There’s still so much I have to do with all this power my impossibly strong heart now wields.

There’s the Phoenix I made who I’ll fight beside tooth and nail as she ascends towards the culmination of everything my own broken flight was purposed for, and that first born Prince who hasn’t yet realized that he too is a king because he hasn’t yet found the strength to tear off “the black suit” that shrouds his soul in darkness! He’s trapped in a web and has still yet to realize the long-terms effects of the emotional abuse he also is succumbing to and that being repeatedly being told “I’m done with you” for failure to follow the rules is slowly becoming the death of him too. I will not rest until that day comes that he opens his eyes to all his broken feelings and finally walks away with the courage and strength that’s hiding somewhere within himself so the next time he hears “I’m done with you”, he too can say:

NO! It’s ME that’s done with YOU!

If I’ve learned anything in my first fifty years, it’s that “real love” shouldn’t cost you anything, yet it’s the only commodity that gets you EVERYTHING! Love shouldn’t make you sad, make you cry, come with strings or conditions, cause you to doubt yourself, want to shoot yourself, or make you want to hide in the shadows of any authentic version of yourself because the people who claim to love you refuse to accept you as you are. Here’s the thing: Once you’ve had finally had it – “REAL love without strings and conditions”? YOU CAN NEVER ACCEPT “LOVE” ANY OTHER WAY, EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING ALONE! I won’t be the last queen that ever reigned alone in her kingdom because she refused to settle for anything less than everything! You see, I’ve been blessed by the unconditional love of two earthly Kings in my lifetime. There’s no going back to where I came from, so I guess it’s time to just start over. Merry Christmas to me!

STARTING OVER

Someday soon, I’m gonna pull myself together. Win or lose, I’m starting over again. Start this day like any other day. I fold my hands as I begin to pray. Sometimes we gotta throw the past aside, and come what may, I’m gonna open up my eyes to all my broken feelings. It’s the only road I’ve known. I just wanna say to you: Maybe I won’t feel the pain when you leave me one day, and maybe it won’t be too late when you need me someday. Someone take me away from the one who betrays, but things won’t ever be the same. I’m starting over. In days gone by, I was hiding from myself. In all those lies, and the truth was hard to tell. But I will try to turn my life around. I’ll close my eyes so I can finally see the road to all my broken feelings. It’s the only one I’ve known. I just wanna say to you … You were my heart, you were my soul. You were my breath ’til I grow old. You were my blood, you were my bones. How could you ever leave me cold? {Saliva}

DECEMBER 22, 2019: “How To Re-Traumatize A Widow” …

December 22, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I struggled this morning as to what if anything to say about “the very first social event without my husband” last night because honestly, I am just so overwhelmed and TRAUMATIZED all over again! So perhaps I’ll just lead with some friendly advice for anyone out there who unbeknownst to them struggles with “unhealthy boundaries” …

To begin, here is what Wikia.org says about “personal boundaries” (and please DO click on this link THIS VERY IMPORTANT LINK for more information when you are either extremely bored OR extremely ready to conduct a quick self-examination as to where you are on the boundaries spectrum):

Personal boundaries are an aspect of psychological boundaries and are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for him- or herself what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around him or her and how he or she will respond when someone steps outside those limits. “Personal boundaries” define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won’t do, what you like and don’t like … how close someone can get to you.

One last piece of advice I’d like to offer against what again I’m sure are seemingly innocent comments and remarks from well-intended people. I appreciate being told “I’m beautiful”. Truly, I do, and I’m not trying to sound like a bitch, but I am in fact aware of “how I look“. Okay, I agree, I not that unfortunate looking. I’m comfortable writing those words out loud now because only I know how long it finally took me to find my actual reflection in a mirror! It took a hell of a lot of work on behalf less than a handful of people to get me to finally “see me” the way other people see me on the outside. Eternal is the gratitude for my very first angel, “the Flyboy“. All of “this” started with him, then Zack picked up where he left off, and I will NEVER forget that day in his apartment he grabbed me by the arms and physically forced me in front of the mirror while he stood behind me repeating:

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! LOOK AT YOURSELF CATHERINE, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! SAY IT! I’M NOT LETTING YOU GO UNTIL YOU SAY IT!”

And then I did, and here I am. Yes, I am beautiful. The irony here is the first time Zack ever saw me in January of 2009 my presentation was, umm, tragic, to say the least. If he were still here, he’d be the first to admit that I looked like a freaking train wreck. I was in the worst shape of my life, hadn’t been sleeping, was physically disfigured in the most egregious way, and about five minutes away from my final nervous breakdown. He used to say, “Every time she showed up at the gym, she looked kind of like a homeless person”. So, trust me when I tell you – our love story did NOT begin with “wow you’re just so beautiful”. He loved me as I was, scars and all, for the very first time in my life, and for that precious reason my fallen King’s mirror of not only my reflection but most importantly my soul will always be the standard by which I judge anyone’s regard for my “beauty”.

There is probably not a human being on the face of this planet that doesn’t appreciate verbal affirmation from others, and yes, compliments in the right dose are an integral part of how our confidence is assimilated. But over and over and over again? “You’re so pretty. You’re so beautiful. You are such an attractive person.” Okay, so tell me once and that’s it! Anything more is not only overkill, but more so the polar OPPOSITE of what has ever attracted me to a man. Observations, judgments and validations about “my surface” in my life before Zack were more than half of what made me sick in the very first place and nope, I don’t care if someone thinks I’m beautiful (at least not on the outside). Quite frankly? THAT REPELS ME! Yes, this is a boundary issue with not only me but quite possibly many struggling people out there. Such an OLD cliche’ but true nonetheless: DON’T JUDGE THE BOOK BY IT’S COVER!

These things needed to be said, and now that I’ve said them, I feel much better. Guess I just needed to remind myself about the boundaries I’ve fought so hard to understand, respect and build in the first place. So, with that, I guess I’ll just have to find a way to be thankful for my re-traumitization last night. It was a lesson for sure, and now maybe a lesson for some of you as well. There is indeed a time and place for everything – EVEN CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GRIEF! If you know someone has been through a trauma of any kind and you want to talk to them about it, just ask them first if they want to talk about it. They may want to. They may not. But the choice should be theirs, not yours.

DECEMBER 20, 2019: “Because Queens Get Flowers” …

December 20, 2019December 21, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yesterday morning, while arranging my weekly flowers, I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I looked up to the sky and said:

Well, Williamson, you DID say you never wanted a day to go by that there weren’t fresh flowers in the house for me, right? Just because you’re gone, it doesn’t mean there won’t be flowers in this house for me ALWAYS. Not only would you hate that, but as it happens, I’m STILL a queen, and after all that has been said and done, I FRIGGING DESERVE THEM!

… at which point I just kept primping them in my absolute favorite container with nothing but the truest joy in my heart, all the while thanking GOD for the real life Superman he sent to me, if only for a season, to once and finally remind me that I am worthy of all the most beautiful things in this world, not the least of which are any and all kindnesses, no matter how simple or grand, that I so choose to bestow upon myself all the remaining days of my life. I will continue to treat myself how I wish to be treated by others while I continue to survive in this realm:

WITH POWER, GRACE, LOVE, AND KINDESS!

I have always loved flowers, and despite the appearance of over the top accoutrement of my life, my affection can’t be bought. That’s probably because I’ve enjoyed many creature comforts in my life, none of which prevented the web I was entangled in for the majority of my life from all but slaying my mental wealth.

My point being this …

Of all the beautiful flowers I’ve been given from both my husbands, it was the less expensive, store-bought ones from Zack that I cherished the most. Depending on where he was working at the time, he would often have to go truly out of his way to get me those bouquets. Anyone “married” to the new home sales industry knows exactly what I’m saying. It’s a career that is not for the faint of heart. “To whom much is given” is the mindset you must embrace, as for all the abundance there’s steep personal price to pay … even when it comes to something as seemingly simple as picking up flowers for your wife. Some of the subdivisions he worked in were far off the beaten path and not conducive to “let me just run in and get her some flowers”. Not to mention the fact that by the time he locked those model home doors every night, all he wanted to do was get home. Every time he walked through the door with flowers in his hand, I knew exactly what those $5 bouquets really cost him: Time, energy, effort, and thought! Those are things that no man’s money will ever be able to buy me. Been there. Done that. I’M OVER IT!

So, with that, I am thanking God again today for the many gifts he left behind for me. My Superman may have left the building, but he will never leave my atmosphere.

I’m a divinely punctuated queen who is abundantly aware of her risen reflection in every mirror. The girl who once waged war with herself and her many wounds, now brings flowers to her scars instead!

YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GIRL!

If you are reading this now, I challenge you to take 20 minutes today and get that special someone some flowers. They don’t have to be expensive, because if they are worth any of your time, thought, and attention, they will appreciate the gesture regardless.

If you DON’T have someone special in your life, take 20 minutes today to get YOURSELF some flowers! Having a healthy, loving, forgiving, and unconditional relationship with YOU is the first step to becoming living royalty!

DECEMBER 16, 2019: “Born To Battle” …

December 16, 2019May 12, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

“BORN TO BATTLE”

A blazing flame slowly dies in a night as cold as snow. From the ashes a Phoenix will rise – it will spread its wings and blaze again and the world will watch in terror.

A tree stands tall, unshakeable in disaster, with leaves that feed and a trunk that houses things that are large and small, from the lions resting in its leaves to the mice that every bird is after, and thorns that wrap around this tree as it loves and must protect it all. The tree that has been through storm and fire will watch as it stops danger in his tracks and fill the forest with powerful laughter.

A tidal wave races to land as anger from the broken earth surges through the city in its wake. Salty water fills what once was home to a beach pristine with its white sand. Concrete jungle, horrible and strong, your walls are beginning to break. The creatures that destroy its castle are now drowning in its tears. Water will heal if you show it respect, but woe it brings in oppression.

A wind from four corners will push on still – tornadoes and hurricanes do not stop for lesser things. You can track and prepare but you cannot break its unstoppable iron will. Yet only days before, a soft breeze gently embraced the leaves and refuse from the Sun’s sting. It is no fault but their own, taking for granted and taking advantage of something they do not know – of something they will fail to control. So, the wind sounds a warning of a storm on the roll.

A roar charges through a burning world as a warrior departs. The pounding of horses running and the power of thunder rumbling. Rubber on asphalt spins and burns as those four doors carry weary hearts, heavy. Hearts that move, hearts that love and hearts that have been through too much. This world hurts what is afraid of, yet the strong ones have made struggle an art. So, bring on what you have – just try and stop them. When you push them, they will be ready!

~ Gia Embach ~

DECEMBER 16, 2019: “Everyone’s Just Trying To Get Home” …

December 16, 2019November 20, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Leave it to my daughter to bring one of the greatest and most impactful treasures of my journey thus far into my world this weekend. Unbeknownst to me, Gia had stumbled upon Charles Mackesy, a few months back, and has been literally clinging to his mindsets like a buoy in the dead of night. While I was out working yesterday, she spent the afternoon with some friends at the mall, which led her to Barnes & Noble, and thus the latest and greatest discovery of my life! Mackesy is a creative, empathetic, and insightful muse, and the words he has impeccably strung together are magical. My daughter and I have now tattooed these mindsets that we’ve already shared for so long onto our hearts forever. This book and its wisdoms are our life song, the depths of our realities, and exactly “who we are and what we aspire to be”. Do yourself a favor and gift this book to yourself or someone you love for Christmas. Don’t just download it, though. You simply HAVE to buy the book, hold the book, see the pictures, and touch the pages in order for it to work its magic! It will, perhaps, be the kindest “kindness” you’ll have ever shown yourself and perhaps even the beginning of your own journey “home”.

In the meantime, Dear GOD, please tell me that I’m right and that HE has finally made it Home. It’s all he ever really wanted. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. It’s all ANY of us have ever wanted … to just get HOME.

DECEMBER 11, 2019: “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” …

December 12, 2019August 23, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

In order to fully appreciate these videos, first travel back with me a bit. If only I’d known how “one little moment in October” was going to play out and become such an important part of our journey I’d have kept better record of the exact date and time. But alas …

“AUGUST 22, 2019“. Sufficed to say, there are still so many parts of “that night” and what led up to it that most people don’t know, don’t need to know, and quite frankly, may NEVER know, simply because so much of this nightmare has traumatized Gia in ways that will impact her psyche forever. She has so much to process through that I simply cannot explain and her road to recovery is not going to be easy.

That being said, and as some of you already know, she had to be hospitalized for suicidal thoughts and depression of her own that night. Meanwhile, at just around 10:30 in the morning on August 23, 2019, I stepped outside her room for just a minute only to see the Parker police chief walking up the hallway towards me with “that look on his face” that I already knew what he was going to say, but then the words:

Mrs. Williamson, we did locate your husband in his car this morning with a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. I am so sorry to inform you that he is, in fact, deceased.

… at which point I fell to the ground with a guttural wail that I’m told could be heard throughout the hospital. An hour later, she was taken by ambulance from the ER to in-patient treatment where she stayed for the eight longest days of my life.

Very long and tragic story short? My daughter has suffered! Of course, we both have, but her heart is broken in ways and pieces that I can’t even begin the fathom. After “that night”, with the exception of the pure happiness she was feeling on the first day at her new school, MY DAUGHTER COULD NOT SMILE! She’d been broken in too many ways by too many people to count for so many years ahead of “that night” that by the time he went and left us the way he did, she was DONE with smiling, and understandably so.

Meanwhile, last year when we moved to Parker we noticed this “holiday house” near ours. You know, “one of those houses” where the homeowners go completely overboard in all the right ways to make passers by drive past SMILING and leave filled with holiday joy and spirit! Well, these “holiday house” people even decked their halls for Halloween, which by the way, is Gia’s favorite holiday of all!

The displays they put out each season are absolutely incredible and only God Himself knows how much time they must spend putting them together. They’re synced up with a local radio station, the character boards dance and sing with lights, lights, and more lights everywhere! Last year, all three of us must driven by both displays at least a dozen times, and Zack and Gia had been looking so forward to seeing what they were going to put out this year.

So that with, I’ll go ahead and get to the point. This October, Gia and I were on our way home when lo and behold, “the Halloween display was up”! But she was so downtrodden and her was spirit still so broken, that as we approached their house (which is situated on the corner of a thoroughfare we pass by to get home every single day) she didn’t even glance at it. Her elbow was resting on the door with her chin in hand and she was just … silent. Still, I decided to make the turn and stop in front of the display anyway, thinking, “what could it hurt”. Well am I ever glad I did!

As we sat there watching the digital monsters doing their little dance and the light display just a rollin’ and poppin’, I caught a glimpse at the side of her face and I just about started to cry. No, wait! I did cry! SHE WAS SMILING! For the first time in SO LONG … SHE WAS SMILING! It was probably one of THE best nights I’ve had since this nightmare started, and my words just fail to do it justice. When we got home, and although she still can’t really talk about or hear his name at this point, we both agreed:

Dad would have loved that!

I gotta tell ya, folks … that moment was a true “light in the dark”. It was that little glimmer of hope that somehow, somewhere, buried beneath all her trauma, heartache, and ashes is not just my daughter, but all the beautiful memories of her and her dad that she can’t afford to let surface at this point because they’re just too fucking painful.

A couple of weeks after “the night of the lights”, I was sitting in my office and I started thinking to myself:

Those people put SO much of themselves into those displays every season, and THIS season that display just bought your kid the smile of a lifetime! I wonder if anyone has really ever thanked them for pouring themselves into “strangers” the way they do?

… at which point I made the decision to drop them a little gift and a thank you note for what they unknowingly did for my daughter. Not too long after that and I got a friend request on Facebook. IT WAS HER … “the holiday house lady!” Slowly but surely she’s becoming less and less of a stranger and a couple of nights ago she messaged me to let me know that they were going to do something special for Gia, which is what these videos are about. So, with all that being said …

Dearest “Barri and Gerri”:

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH!

My heart is beyond full, so is my daughter’s, and I’m pretty flipping sure my husband’s is too, because I believe with EVERY shred of my being that he is seeing ALL of this! I bet you never realized what an impact your hearts, generosity, and kindness for STRANGERS was going to make on my little girl during her very darkest hours. WELL, NOW YOU KNOW! “Only Light Can Kill The Darkness” is the tag-line of my life now, and YOUR lights have killed some of ours! You will always be in my heart and prayers going forward.

~ Love Cat

DECEMBER 8, 2019: “Death Is Nothing At All”…

December 8, 2019December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Last night, I stumbled upon the “memory” of a post I’d made on Facebook four years prior, December 8th, 2015. It was in reference to an annual visit I’d made to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers, and ironically, take a wild guess what I did yesterday afternoon? I made the annual visit to my daughter’s grave to deliver her Christmas flowers. This was what I’d posted:

I held an angel in my arms for 4.25 hours, who left my world as swiftly as she entered it, thus bestowing me the privilege of seeing her very first breath, and then her very last. When her heart stopped, so did mine, for what seemed like an eternity, and in that moment I just knew that all the Light from my soul had slipped with hers forever. Quite certainly I was wrong though, because I am still right here, with a shining heart filled with joy and peace that has healed where I never knew it was broken. You see, I am a woman who was blessed in the presence of two dearly departed at the moment their mortal shackles were released, not the least of which was my precious daughter as my hands gave her right back to Heaven. It took a minute, plus twenty twisted years, but I’ve since found the words “all is well” to be so much more than endearing. For both of them survive with me in every shadow before and behind, and I feel their presences fervently locked in the deepest chasms of my mind. I never got to hear her voice, yet I recognize it clearly, and his are the chords that fill my heart with memories, joy, and laughter. Perhaps the greatest of my bittersweet Earthly triumphs was that moment I realized I was speaking of, writing about, and taking flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear, reveling in the truth that in their crossing my God had not forsaken me, but had all the while been sowing the seeds of my truly blind faith, and granting my greatest freedom. While of course I don’t delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, no longer do I fear Him. He’s but an Enigma who in one strange paradox both enlightens and ceases my need to comprehend. For in all my years living broken and whole at once, I’ve learned to grieve with hope, all is truly well, and I am fully awake.

Meanwhile, here I am, having danced with Death yet again at what seems a lifetime later. Do you know what has changed in my relationship with either God or Death since my husband’s sudden departure?

NOT A SINGLE THING!

As I was driving to the cemetery yesterday, I was concerned as to how I would handle it, especially in that not a year has passed since Zack came into my life that I’ve gone there on my own. He stood beside me through everything, and never could I have imagined standing at her grave alone. Yet, as I walked towards her resting place, the most beautiful breeze washed over me. I swear to God I felt so at peace! No tears. No trauma. No aching in my heart or knot in my stomach. Just solace. I knelt down, put the flowers in her vase, took the deepest breath I could, and slowly released it back into an atmosphere that I’m certain they were present in – my first born daughter, “my blaze of glory“, and now, the one true love of my life!

Their deaths have neither broken, nor stolen from or vanquished me, and everything they were is still every wonderous thing I am. They’ve but “slipped away into the next room” with others I’ve lost along the way, and they’ll all be waiting for me when I get There. They continue to survive with me in every shadow before and behind with their presences forever locked inside what are now the even deeper chasms of my mind. The precious ensemble of their voices perpetually fills my heart with memories, joy, and laughter.

As I write this, I still marvel at my triumph. Yes, I am able to speak of them, write about them, and take flowers to their graves without a single shed of tear. Yes, I do continue to revel in the truth that in their crossing my God has not forsaken me. He only continues sowing the seeds of my even stronger blind faith, making me the truly freest woman I’ve ever known. While I still do not delight at the thought of our next inevitable relation, never will I fear Him … the Enigma who in one strange paradox continues to enlighten me while ceasing my need to comprehend. It’s been a long fifty years living broken and whole at once, but I continue to grieve with hope, with my eyes upon The Cross, and all remains truly well.

THE ANSWER

The lightning flashed as angels rode fiery chargers through the clouds. That answer scared me into tears and all the grownups laughed out loud. Now the years roll on, tired voices have all gone. Now they ride their thunder through the heavens. There’s a world in every drop of rain. Embracing oceans sweep us home again. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. They say for every living thing there’s a guide up in the sky that helps you pass from world to world, so you never really die. Then with scythe and cloak Death comes waltzing to your side. As the visions pass you ask if there was meaning to your life. As you strain to hear the answer, spirits sing and devils fiddle as he bends to whisper in your ear, he leaves you one more riddle. Oh, the answer lies beyond the pain. All the questions in our minds, we surely ask in vain. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, and you shall find another life. And now my life is like a storm growing stronger every day. Like the unrelenting wind that comes to blow our lives away. So, I live each day like I know it’s my last. If there is no future, there must be no past. Now I know the answers never meant a thing and with each instant that I breathe I feel the joy that life can bring. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. Come along with me, come along with me. Seek the truth, you shall not find another lie. {Richie Sambora}

FOOTNOTE:

“Death Is Nothing At All” when it comes to our fur babies, too.

DECEMBER 3, 2019: “We Survive With Humor” …

December 3, 2019November 25, 2020 The Diary Of My Perfection

… because sometimes you have just have to find the humor in the middle of your darkest hours. AND THAT’S OKAY! We. Survive. With humor! My daughter is a phoenix. Never forget it! Just keep watching to see what she will do! Enjoy her silly “rant” my friends! Forever the happy cynic … Lol!

NOVEMBER 30, 2019: “Puttin’ On My Lipstick” …

November 30, 2019November 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

She’s Puttin’ On Her Lipstick …

... turning up the music, slippin’ on her black dress, saying “you can do this”. Climbing in the front seat, looking out the window, going through the motions, trying just to let go of the tears that she cried, no solid goodbye. Tonight it ain’t gonna show. And even though she knows that it ain’t gonna fix it, she’s putting on her lipstick.

That’s right, people! It’s “Day #101” of my widowed journey, or rather, should I say, “the first day of the rest of my life”! I got up, fixed up, showed up, and GLOWED up! No VICTIM shall they see … no VICTIM shall I be! His life maybe over, but mine will just have to go on! I’ve got a sword at my side and God’s shield all around me. Yes, Zack made me strong, but guess what? I MADE ME STRONGER!

I GOT THIS!

NOVEMBER 27, 2019: “I Think I See Gold” …

November 27, 2019June 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

THANKSGIVING EVE

(98 DAYS SINCE LOSING MY KING …)

… and as I’m here now on doing everything within in my power to make this castle he left behind for us as merry and bright as possible under the circumstances, I find myself very much alone … but then again not so much. Every day I’m faced with choices, some which are easier than others, and today I just had to work things out on my own, as in this conversation I had with “me” in the bathroom mirror:

Take a hot bath, blow out your hair, put on some make up and a warm, chunky sweater and leggings, fire up the Keurig, set out the peppermint Coffee Mate and a big bowl of candy, turn on some music, KNOW THAT HE IS WATCHING, and LET’S JUST DO THIS! And oh, REMEMBER THAT YOU’RE A RISEN QUEEN! His ONLY Queen, STILL your son and your daughter’s Queen, the Queen of your own heart, and guess what other King you belong to Cat Williamson? The GREATEST king of all, since before you were even born, so yah, YOU GOT THIS!

So, guess what I’m doing today? EVERYTHING DULY NOTED ABOVE!

Twenty something years ago I was sitting in the first Bible study I’d ever been to after I’d finally met Jesus in my dear friend’s living room, and I will never forget the first time I heard the words …

These lonely hours like a fire refining, something that’s precious, something that’s shining. There in the darkness surrounded by coals, it’s starting to glow … and I think I see gold!

Yes. Yes, I do think I see gold in all this fire! Actually? I don’t just think it … I KNOW IT!

I THINK I SEE GOLD

I see you struggling every day. You think, How long Can I go on this way? On and on, again and again. Oh when will it end? You think, “I just can’t go on much longer”. But inside my friend your faith is growing stronger! You feel the fire burning deep in your soul. But I want you to know – that I see gold! I think I see gold in the fire! Right there in the ashes is all you’ve desired. Oh, it’s hard as you press toward the goal. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Don’t stop now. I think I see gold! Until this moment you’ve always believed when life grew darkest by faith you could see. Open your eyes – look for The Light. You see? You were right. These lonely hours like a fire refining something that’s precious. Something that’s shining! There in the darkness surrounded by coals is starting to glow.

{Ray Boltz}

“The Divine Apostrophe“

NOVEMBER 25, 2019: “Shining Through Our Darkness” …

November 25, 2019November 2, 2022 The Diary Of My Perfection

Tonight after “Batman” lit up our roof for the holidays Gia and I went to Walmart to get more lights for the shrubs in our pajamas, slippers and messy buns, looking quite ridiculous! We were “play arguing” over whether to get “all white”, “all red”, “all green”, or multi-colored. Before we knew it we were giggling up a storm and I said,

Man, this is tough. Do we match the shrubs to the roof, do a contrast, or what? What would Jesus do?

… to which my ever the consummate smartass daughter replied …

Well duh, mom, He WAS Jewish, so I’m thinking He’d go blue.

She meant no disrespect by the way. Gia loves her Jesus! Meanwhile, this couple standing nearby started giggling, too:

You two are so sweet together, like a mother daughter comedy act! You just made me miss my two girls who are on their way home from school right now and I can hardly WAIT to hug them even tighter. I miss those days when it was us being silly at Walmart. Thank you for lighting up this aisle with holiday spirit!

That was, perhaps, the greatest compliment either one of us could have gotten, especially under the circumstances, and as they walked away from us she turned to hug me and said, “Mom, I think we’re gonna be okay!”

Then I looked up at him and whispered, “Yes, we are!” Those people didn’t see it … all our pain, grief, and sorrow. There’s no way they could have imagined that just three months ago she was in a psych ward, and I was laying in bed barely breathing and begging God for the strength to walk, yet again, out of living hell.

We are gonna be okay! We won’t ever be the same, because life without him in it going to be so different, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be okay. In the meantime, we’re allowed to be excited and play argue and giggle about Christmas lights at Walmart.

Zack always insisted on nothing but the best for “his girls”. Did he throw us one HELL of a curve ball that was anything but “the best”? Umm, YUP! God’s grace has that covered, though, and he’s received both mine and Gia’s grace as well. I’m so thankful for those people tonight … and my daughter … and my life … and the King who helped build me into the divinely punctuated Light I am today who’s still able to “shine” through all this darkness!

NOVEMBER 25, 2019: “Dear Mr. Look At Me” …

November 25, 2019April 21, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Seriously, people? Is this what’s really happening out there in the “looking for love” world today? Not that I’m looking for love or even to just start dating again at the moment or anytime in the foreseeable future, but I’m getting messages and texts like this on an almost daily basis now, and just woke up to this one. At first I was disgusted, but have since decided to cling tightly to The Four Agreements going forward in this regard:

I’ll be impeccable with my words.

I won’t take anything personally.

I won’t make assumptions.

I’ll do my BEST to navigate through this abundant absurdity in the future.

Especially in that because of what I want to do with my life now, hiding myself away is neither optimal or fair, and I won’t. Putting myself out there for all the right reasons is clearly going to come with a cost. So, with that …

Dear Mr. “LOOK AT ME!”:

I think I speak for many women in my season of life in saying that NOPE, I don’t wanna see your abs. Or your tattoos. Or your ass. Or you at a bar doing shots on a stripper’s stomach, or on a “guy’s trip to Vegas” smoking cigars with some 23 year old on your lap! I don’t care how many times a day you’re at the gym, or how much you bench press, and DON’T need pictures of you “taking pictures of you” at the gym bathroom in your ripped up shirt flexing an arm that is likely steroid injected, which means your testicles prolly look like grapes, so, NO! Me personally? The only abs, arms, ass, chest, tatts, or “LOOK! I’m at the gym!” pics I’ll EVER need to see will be of the man I marry IF I ever marry again.

Presentation is EVERYTHING, so here’s what’ll catch a GOOD woman’s eye …

Tell us what you believe in, what you fight for, and who you pray to AND for. Show us your kids, your mom, grandparents, sisters, brothers, and pets. Show us what you do to make this world a better place. Show us the world through your eyes … your sunrises, sunsets, and rainy nights at home alone. Show us where you travel (but NOT to Vegas with strippers)! And yah, show us a picture of yourself now and then, but with your shirt ON, please! Cover up all that yummy stuff so we can be surprised to find out what we’re REALLY getting someday and that not EVERY random woman has already seen it. Your smile and “presentation” as noted above will do your best advertising and prevent SO many of us from either laughing at you OR throwing up in our mouth.

Signed truly,

Every SINGLE Woman With Brains

NOVEMBER 21, 2019: “Secrets Make Me Sick No Longer!” …

November 21, 2019May 22, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

No, but seriously. There will be no apologies whatsoever for my breakout “verbal vomit” moment of truth. As you will clearly see with the birth of The Real Cat Williamson, my many “secrets” will make me sick no longer. I’m a beast! I’m a warrior! I’m a motivator! I’M A SURVIVOR! From this day forward, I’m GOING to be show up and live a life of use to others! And oh, by the way …

Dear Angelina,

THANK YOU for inspiring ME to “live a life of use to others”. I listen to your Jean Hershold Award speech often and have made my daughter listen as well. None of this will really have meant anything if I leave here without having done just that, so, that’s what I’m gonna do! You truly are one of my very few hero’s, and not because of “who” you are, but “what” you are. You’re a “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;”! Someday, I will hopefully be able to meet and thank you in person.

~ The REAL Cat Williamson

Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR;

NOVEMBER 20, 2019: “I’m Being DEAD Serious!” …

November 20, 2019June 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you get this call from a friend whose son has been openly and actively talking about suicide:

Cat, someone just basically told me that I shouldn’t take him seriously, that I need to toughen up with him, and he’s probably NOT really going to do it. In your opinion, and based upon your own experiences of having both tried it and survived it with Zack, do you think I should believe her?

I’m literally beside myself right now. Really? Are you fucking KIDDING me? Suicide is DEAD serious, and yes, I do care if one more light goes out.

ONE MORE LIGHT

Should’ve stayed. Were there signs I ignored? Can I help you not to hurt anymore? We saw brilliance when the world was asleep. There are things that we can have, but can’t keep. If they say, “who cares if one more light goes out” in a sky of a million stars. It flickers, flickers. “Who cares when someone’s time runs out” if a moment is all we are? We’re quicker. Quicker. “Who cares if one more light goes out?” Well I do. The reminders pull the floor from your feet. In the kitchen, one more chair than you need. Oh, and you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair. Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. {Linkin’ Park}

NOVEMBER 11, 2019: “American Woman” …

November 11, 2019June 11, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

Dear American Veteran,

There have been very few people in my half a century of life who have been worthy of the title “hero”, as that word tends to be overused a bit and I aspire to be “impeccable” with my words. If I don’t mean it, I won’t say it, and “hero” must truly be earned. Anyone who chooses a path that involves walking out the door each day not knowing if they’ll be coming home? Now that would be a hero!

I have long been thankful that I wasn’t born a man, and have prayed incessantly for the men I’ve known and loved. Generally speaking, men are birthed to an existence wherein everything is expected of them. The entire weight of everyone’s world, including the weight of their own, is laden upon their shoulders from the cradle to the actual grave. Whereas, generally speaking, American women have choices. Society now allows us to be whoever we choose to be. Go to college, don’t go to college. Get married, don’t get married. Be a full-time wife and mother, opt to have a career, or both. We aren’t “expected” to be anything other than what we were created for, and yes, there’s a double standard.

Perhaps one of the best things I’ve ever heard in my life is Angelina Jolie’s Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award acceptance speech:

I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been handed some pretty rough cards as of late, but guess what? So have we all! Meanwhile, I do have too many options to count as a blessed and extremely privileged woman. Though my future may not be what I was planning 81 days ago, it can still be anything I choose, because you signed up to pay in part for my American dream!

It’s Veteran’s Day 2019, and some of us don’t take our freedom for granted. As a woman who’s often been chastised for my antiquated views on gender roles, today is especially important. I’m an American woman in my American home with an American voice bought and paid for by an American soldier. Please know that you are held in the absolute highest regard on not just this, but every day. Indeed, you have lived “a life of use to others”, and indeed YOU ARE MY HERO!

NOVEMBER 9, 2019: “From The Ground Up” …

November 9, 2019November 3, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Where do I begin my post for today?

How about 3,296 days ago?

NOVEMBER 1, 2010:

A Frog married a Butterfly with only two silver bands in a theatre room in Murphy, Texas, then carried her over the threshold of his one-bedroom apartment where they would sleep on a pull-out couch so that her daughter could have the bedroom.

DECEMBER 25, 2011:

You said,

I know you haven’t had many princess moments so far, but I WILL change that this year. I want to build you a castle of stone and brick …

AUGUST 31, 2017:

The Frog I kissed who turned into a KING wrote the contract for our dream home.

NOVEMBER 16, 2017:

That King sat in a builder’s office for six long hours, driving us all bananas over every intricate detail of how perfect he wanted this house for “his girls”, and specifically so that Gia could have a place for her crew to crash throughout her high school years. He wanted our home to be a place they could all be comfortable, loved, and accepted, with no fear of judgement whatsoever. He wanted her to have everything he never did.

AUGUST 22, 2019:

The King fell down, but left his crown …

NOVEMBER 3, 2019:

… because The Princess and I have made the decision to stay in this home he built for us until at least she graduates from high school, if not permanently. Part of me is thinking that eventually I’ll just build myself a cottage out back and gift “Williamson Manor” to Christian and his future wife (wherever in the world she may be) so that they can fill it with love, laughter, and as many children as they desire and I can just take it easy out back in a little hut. After all, that’s what a home of this magnitude was built for … “love, laughter, and CHILDREN”! Not only is that what he would have wanted, but he has set us up for nothing but success in the rest of our journey without him. We spoke at length about the pros and cons … “should we stay or should we go” … then finally agreed that if he can still see us (and we believe he can), it would break his heart even more than it did to have to leave us behind in the first place to see us pack up and leave all this behind, too. He worked too hard to give us everything we have, and I won’t let it have been in vain.

NOVEMBER 9, 2019:

As I’m writing this, there’s an upstairs filled with laughter! She’s having her first party, and there are a dozen happy teenagers here feeling comfortable, relaxed, and at home, just how he always wanted.

THIS WAS HIS DREAM FOR HER!

I thought about crying when this epiphany washed over me, but instead I could only smile. I, too, am feeling “comfortable, relaxed and at home” with our daughter in the castle he built us, honoring his legacy, and putting these shattered pieces together in the most beautiful ways I can. I know he’s looking down right now and smiling from ear to ear as he absorbs all the laughter he can surely hear within these palace walls, hopefully taking comfort in seeing a very happy princess and an even more happy and grateful Queen.

Williamson, YOU DID IT! Your dream has come true, despite your multitude of mistakes and all the ways you hurt us. I will remain eternally grateful for and cherish all the things you have given me, and yes, you are still my hero.

NOVEMBER 2, 2019: “The Homecoming Queen” …

November 2, 2019November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

A friend asked if she could send Gia a song she heard today that she felt was “her perfect song”. She’s knows my daughter well and sees directly into her heart, so, when I listened to the words, I was floored. It is her perfect song:

What if I told you the world wouldn’t end if you started showing what’s under your skin? What if you let ’em all in on the lie? Even the homecoming queen cries.

Guess what? It’s my perfect song as well! I’m thankful I finally found the courage to start speaking my truth, because living a lie wasn’t working for me at all!

My daughter is an enigma much stronger and wiser than me on even my very best day. Fair warning to anyone who doubted the power she’ll wield when she finally starts speaking her own truths. When all is said and done, she’ll be the force to be reckoned with and her voice will put mine to shame! While I may have been the one to begin acknowledging our familial toxicity and planting the seeds of change, she’s the one who’s gonna burn this forest down and sow and entirely new one. She’s pure magic, so, just wait and see!

I’m so sorry that I’m not sorry for all those simps that opted to use my daughter as a revolving door. She’s slowly but surely leaving them all in her dust and may they end up choking on it. My “homecoming queen” will wear a sword on her hip, not a crown on her head, kinda like her mother!

NOVEMBER 1, 2019: “In Loving Memory Of A Fallen King” …

November 1, 2019December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

This will be my last sad post for a while, as tomorrow I’ll start a new chapter of my life and wake up with the positive perspective I know he’d want me to have as I endeavor onto a path I’ve been heading towards for years. Today was rough, I’m not gonna lie. I haven’t cried so much since I lost my daughter – almost constantly since waking at 7:05am. That being said, I had an epiphany on the way home from my “anniversary dinner” with the only real parents my husband ever had, Rick and Dee, who for the record, are the ONLY people on the face of this Earth with whom I would have chosen to spend this first anniversary without him.

We got married in some friends’ theatre room nine years ago today. We didn’t have much to start, and in fact, it was right around this time that night that we were sitting in a parking lot in Murphy, Texas, eating our drive-thru meals, happy and in love. We had nothing but faith in each other, and very little support from anyone. There were a handful of people, however, that did support us from the onset, and ironically, I ended up spending my first anniversary without him in the company of a few of them. For that, I will always be thankful.

Although he had a “family” – a father, some siblings, and a “mother THING“, as he referred to her, that birthed him, then left him in is own remains, with the exception of one of his brothers, none of them could be bothered with him. My support was just my sister and my kids, as my parents couldn’t understand why I would marry the broke guy and commit myself and Gia to what they believed was destined to be a life of apartment living and foolish dreams. “We” were a joke to everyone for the most part, and I’m certain that no one predicted who he‘d become.

I’ve heard nothing from his father since the service, he hasn’t called once to check on me or Gia, and never came to get his son’s ashes. Neither did the brother he did have a relationship with, by the way, which was a slap in Zack’s face. The ashes I’d set aside for them are still sitting in my closet, as forgotten in death as in life. I doubt that his father even knew today was our anniversary. He is now, always has been, and will likely remain the foolish man who pissed away the chance to really know his amazing son.

At the end of the day, regardless of his abysmal childhood and even more abysmal excuse for “parents”, the “Zack of shit” they all threw away left this world as a king, and this despite the unfathomable things that became him as the lifetime of demons he’d been harboring devoured him. But you see, only the very best parts of his legacy will live on now, because we’re leaving out all the rest now that he’s moved on to The Brighter Side Of Grey.

So, with that, Happy Anniversary to me! It’s been a long day, and I’m gonna be okay, but “okay” will have to wait until tomorrow.

“In Loving Memory“

(… of “The Frog & The Butterfly“)

Thanks for all you’ve done. I’ve missed you for so long. I can’t believe you’re gone. You still live in me. I feel you in the wind. You guide me constantly. I never knew what it was to be alone. ‘Cause you were always there for me. You were always home waiting. But now I come home, and I miss your face. Smiling down on me. I close my eyes to see. And I know you’re a part of me. And it’s your song that sets me free. I sing it while I feel, I can’t hold on. I sing tonight ’cause it comforts me. I carry the things that remind me of you. In loving memory of the one that was so true. You were as kind as you could be. And even though you’re gone you still mean the world to me. And you’ll be here with me still. All you did you did with feeling. And you always found a meaning. And you always will. And you always will. And you always will. {Alter Bridge}

(Voiceover Credit To Havva Ramadan)

OCTOBER 25, 2019: “Use Me!” …

October 25, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.

(Angelina Jolie)

I can’t believe I never knew about this until now and cannot tell you the infinite number of times I’ve had this similar conversation with my so much better, stronger and wiser version of me daughter, who at three years old became the catalyst for everything I’ve become today:

I am here to tell you all that I would, in fact, be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 3 years old. I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all: ME! She is one of my muses and “whys“.

(“My Mona Lisa“)

Indeed, it’s true. On that on that day, my daughter became the death of every lie my farce of a life used to be and the beginning of all my truths. She is the reason I decided to turn myself inside out once and for all for fear of her becoming sick like me. She is the reason I finally realized that “nothing would mean anything if I didn’t live a life of use to others”.

This is the legacy I want to leave for my children! If I keep giving it all that I possibly can, one day, whether I’m here or not, I’ll be the luckiest woman that ever lived when they BOTH stand strong and proud amongst the crowds and say:

MY mom lived a life that was of use to others!

OCTOBER 25, 2019: You Can’t Stop The Girl …

October 25, 2019April 22, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment you and your daughter sit holding hands in tears after finding THE perfect theme song at the tail end of THE best movie ever, eleven years to the day you first crossed paths with the one who swooped down and picked you both up for the MOST bittersweet flight of your lives, only to have to leave you behind with not only the ashes he tried so hard not to burden you with, but all the strength and courage you could possibly ever need to rise so far above them that only God Himself knows how high you’ll possibly fly, because if you’ve both learned anything in 64 combined years of pain, sorrow, wisdom, and beauty, it’s that there is NOTHING more powerful than The Truth, which ultimately becomes The Light, which is the ONE thing that can kill the darkness in us all. Our story might not have ended like the fairy tale we always thought it would, but once this book is finally finished it will be the stuff that legends are made of. Goodnight, everyone. (And yes, that was the longest sentence in the history of the world.)

YOU CAN’T STOP THESE GIRLS!

OCTOBER 24, 2019: “No Easy Way Out” …

October 24, 2019December 26, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

Yesterday, I saw a post that really punched me in the face. Yes, that pun was intended. It was a super cool canvas rendition of the fight between Rocky and Ivan Drago, and after having thought about it literally all day and night, this is what I’ve come up with …

Gia and I are huge Rocky fans, as was Zack. Rocky IV is my favorite, because in my mind I have always felt it’s been “me against the Devil” in both the brightest and darkest moments of my life, and he’s the one always saying to me, “I MUST BREAK YOU”! Yet, I refuse to let him take me down!

Ironically, one of my favorite songs, “No Easy Way Out”, is from the Rocky IV soundtrack. The Sunday night before he killed himself, it was playing in the car on our way home from the gym. He was crying as he squeezed my hand three times (“I – Love – You”). Five nights later, he was gone. The mask came off and his fight was over. Meanwhile, I’ve listened to this song on repeat the last 62 days, just thinking, reflecting, remembering, and “wanting to know why”. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Zack’s fighting days are done. He lost. Went down. Tapped out. Still, my fighting days are not done yet, ’cause guess, what people? I’M STILL HERE! Am I bloodied and bruised with black eyes, a fat lip, and some scars that are here for the rest of my lifetime? Absolutely!

There’ve been so many days this last twenty years, even in my most broken, wandering aimlessly, bent, incoherent, mangled, and twisted of mindsets, when I’ve looked in the mirror and said:

Good grief woman, how in the HELL are you still standing? Why HAVEN’T you given up yet? WHY HASN’T THAT DEVIL BROKEN YOU YET, and how the FUCK are you alright?

The only answer I’ve ever come up with is this:

IT’S HIM! NOT ME!

I really AM God’s favorite daughter! This “risen to power and grace” divine apostrophe I’ve become is all HIS doing, I just know it. There IS no explanation as to why I, too, haven’t taken the easy way out after of the years of pain and suffering that tried to snuff me out. God just handed me this heavyweight belt I wear for what reason I will never understand. Zero did I earn it … zero do I deserve it … but speaking of great fighters, Jean-Claude Van DAMN I’m honored to have it! It’s the most valuable thing I possess! It cost HIM everything and me NOTHING, other than my completely blind faith in “the process”. Some don’t understand this, and, in fact, may think it’s CRAZY for me to believe in something I can’t see or touch. I can’t see or touch the wind either, but its effects are very real! So, with that, I am Rocky, the devil is Ivan Drago, the God I serve is the referee, and I … am … WINNING!

OCTOBER 23, 2019: “Supernatural” …

October 23, 2019October 24, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

JUNE 23, 2019.

Perhaps one of the most powerful days of their journey together. Zack had purchased the Supernatural fan convention ticket package for her more than a year in advance, including photo ops with her favorite actors, Misha Collins, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki, and “Baby”, the ‘67 Chevy Impala (probably her FAVORITE character of all)! I wasn’t with them, but heard that when they pulled into the parking lot that morning and she realized where she was going, she almost fainted. You see, to her it’s not really about the show, the fandom, or the “stars”. It’s about the storyline (which she correlates a lot to her own life for so many reasons) and the way these guys have used their fame and fortune as a platform for what’s truly important to all of them – mental health awareness, suicide prevention, and battling “the invisible monster“! She has read about, studied, and followed their many valiant works and deeds to make this world better than they found it, and to her, that is what makes them “fan-worthy”. She wrote a school essay about them back in January:

SAVING PEOPLE

& HUNTING MENTAL ILLNESS:

THE SPN “FAMILY BUSINESS”

What makes a hero? It is their immense strength, bravery, kindness and selflessness. They inspire and save the lives of people for no other reason than to help. I found MY heroes because of a TV show that I had no clue would be as special as it is to me. By telling his story and launching a campaign giving support to those in need, Jared Padalecki, alongside Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles, has inspired thousands of people, and myself, to never give up and to always keep fighting!

In March of 2015, Jared launched “Always Keep Fighting” with different T-Shirts with the slogan. All the money gained from the over 500,000 products sold were given to the charities To Write Love On Her Arms, The Wounded Warrior Project and Attitudes In Reverse – Student Suicide Prevention. Later, he gave the reason for him starting the campaign in the first place. That previous New Year’s Eve, one of Jared’s best friends lost his battle with depression. Jared stated that this was not the first time he had lost a personal friend to suicide. Using this new campaign, he said that he hoped “that this campaign, while raising money for a wonderful charity, can also raise awareness about issues that affect more people than we know. I hope it inspires people battling depression, addiction, mental illness, and suicidal thoughts to be vocal about their struggles. I hope it helps people realize that they shouldn’t be ashamed of what they are going through, and I hope it helps people meet and find new friends that they can relate to. I hope it helps people take pride in the fight that they have been fighting, and gives them a push to never give up or give in. I hope it helps inspire people to keep fighting. no matter how hard it is.” Through his actions, he showed a level of kindness and compassion that is superhuman. Later, however, he reveals something that gives the “Always Keep Fighting” Campaign an entirely different depth.

Living with an invisible illness requires an immense amount of strength and bravery. I have witnessed firsthand the wear and tear it can do (and yes, there is a REAL “superhero” in this regard I am lucky enough to call my mom). Opening up to the public, to millions of people that you have suffered through the same battles as the people you are fighting for? That requires unbelievable bravery. Jared did just that. He said how he has suffered from anxiety and depression. He said that he did not understand why he would be depressed. “It kind of hit me like a sack of bricks,” Jared told reporters. “I mean, I was 25 years old. I had my own TV show. I had dogs that I loved, and tons of friends and I was getting adoration from fans, and I was happy with my work, but I couldn’t figure out what it was; it doesn’t always make sense is my point. It’s not just people who can’t find a job or can’t fit in in society that struggle with depression sometimes.” Misha Collins, a best friend, and co-star of Jared, also suffered in the same way that many fans and readers alike have. Misha had been self-harming for years. Since he was only around 12 or 13 years old. Misha won his battle. He stopped cutting himself and started loving himself. Later, he and his co-star/best friend Jensen Ackles started something of their own.

On February 12, 2016, Jensen and Misha launched the You Are Not Alone fundraising T-shirt Campaign with T-shirts that used the slogan “You Are Not Alone”. The SPNFamily Crisis Support Network has been established by Jensen and Misha in partnership with Random Acts, TWLOHA, and IMAlive. This project created an online support network to help fans cope with mental health issues such as depression, self-injury, and addiction and included training for fan volunteers who wish to be crisis responders in their spare time, provided immediate access to support lifelines for fans in crisis, and local community resources for those needing additional support or information. Together, they save lives and create warriors in the process. They have shown people that there are people who care about them. They save lives as any hero should.

Through words and actions, they have shown far more than bravery, courage, and compassion. Just like the ‘S’ on Superman’s chest, what they have done means hope for people. On February 9th, Misha Collins, who plays Castiel, on Supernatural, posted a video on his social media accounts. Misha’s message? He told his fans without speaking that they’re not alone. To people outside of the Supernatural fandom, this video may not seem like much. But to people who know Misha, to people who watch him every week on The CW, these four words, “you are not alone” mean so much more. Fans see that the actors that they look up to and love not only care about them but believe in them. They continue also to bring the three-word sentence, “always keep fighting”, up fairly often, constantly reminding their fans to not give up.

“Jared, Jensen and Misha”. To people not in the fandom or the people who simply don’t know who they are, these names may mean nothing. I promise you, however, that these names have meant life for thousands of people, mine included. They have not only saved lives, but taught people how to save lives themselves. To look around, at complete strangers, and help those who are struggling, and make sure that they win their fight. They have created an army that fights the demons that live in all of our hearts and minds. An army that is fighting every day for one another.

Jared, Jensen and Misha have saved thousands of lives, mine included. Day after day they continue to save people. Jared Padalecki, alongside Misha Collins and Jensen Ackles, have inspired thousands of people, and me, to never give up, and to always keep fighting. They have taught us that no matter what happens, what we do, WE KEEP GOING! No matter how much we want to give up on anything, little or small, we will refuse to stop. Most importantly, they have taught us that even if we think we have met our match and can’t go on, we will get up and fight harder than ever. We can go on because we are enough, we are not alone, and we have a family of people we have never met, who love us and understand us. Who live their lives loving and helping complete strangers? Thanks to these three men. As Jared said, “Even if there are a thousand small fights, even if every other minute you’re thinking about suicide, or depression, or addiction, or if you have a mental illness, I want people to hit it head on and take action. And to be proud that they’re winning their fight, period.” We must always keep fighting!

{Written by Gia Embach}

How ironic is it that we are now preparing ourselves to “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” that she had already taken so seriously long before he left us this way? The connection between Gia, Zack (her “Bobby”), this show, “J2M”, and their platforms is no coincidence! One thing you should know is that on August 22, 2019, while in the midst of the trauma and chaos that was happening in our home that night and after having run out of the house in a panic, Gia made the call on her own to the IMAlive chat line after having remembered this post that she had seen on their Instagram feed just seven days before:

Four months have passed since one of the best weekends of her life, but then a dark dragon swooped down and changed everything for us both in the blink of an eye. This weekend we face one of the most bittersweet weekends of our journey. But we will walk, and we will talk like the warrior girls we are, because I am me, she is mine, and it’s what we’re being called to do. We have Misha, Jensen, Jared and “Supernatural” to thank for that! One day I hope to be able to tell them in person:

Hey, J2M! YOU SAVED MY KID’S LIFE! THANK YOU!

OCTOBER 20, 2019: “My Rescue Story” …

October 21, 2019April 23, 2023 The Diary Of My Perfection

… that moment your friend of a million years who’s known you through some of your darkest hours sends you one of THE songs of your life. Meanwhile, I’m literally thanking God right now for the very kind strangers who picked me up off the floor after losing it in the middle of my workout.

LOOK AT THE NAME OF THE ARTIST!

It’s as if it’s was written just for me … and Zack. Regardless of how he left us and what many believe about suicide, I know the God I serve did NOT forsake him in his last breath and was waiting to rescue my husband with His hand reached out to take him “Home”.

OCTOBER 21, 2019: “Dear Empath:” …

October 20, 2019December 27, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

YOU’RE GONNA BE OKAY!

I reached out to one of you today, in fact, who I will not name, because the way she loves and the things she does for those lucky enough to be in her circle are from a truly selfless place. She doesn’t “give” for selfish reasons, which can indeed be a reason for giving. What she put herself through in the immediate aftermath of Zack’s death for the sake of me and my daughter I will NEVER fully be able to repay. She was the first person to get “that 7am call” other than immediate family, and this morning she awoke to yet ANOTHER “one of those calls”.

I want you to know there are those of US “who know” that you too are struggling on a day like today. “Your people” are hurting, so YOU are hurting! “One of your tribe” has just been smacked with a cosmic dose of WHAT THE HELL, and so, too, have you. You’re feeling stressed, sad, helpless and overwhelmed right alongside the people in your halo and you, too, feel gut punched. For all that you are deep within your soul, God Himself knows that when your peoples’ cards go down, yours go right down with them.

Empaths, you are treasured in this Universe and being thought of at this moment! Oh, and you’re AMAZEBALLS! God will never give you more than He knows you can handle, which, my beautiful friends, is exactly why you got this bittersweet gift directly from The Source. He knew He was going to need an army of impossibly strong angels on Earth to help keep the flames of compassion ignited so the others can find that Light burning in all this dark. I’m an empath too, so, I understand. It rips my heart out to see others suffering. It’s who I am and it doesn’t always feel good, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

My love to all of you and remember this: NOTHING GOES UNNOTICED! YOU WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN! This extra stress you absorb trying so hard to help? The sleepless nights spent worrying, caring and praying for others? The tears you cry all too often for the sake of all mankind are being counted one by one! Take a deep breath my friends and be strong. YOU’RE GONNA BE OKAY!

OCTOBER 9, 2019: “SOLITARY: Life Behind A Mask” …

October 19, 2019December 2, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

After my sister’s birthday dinner last night, she wanted to see Joker. We’d both assumed it was just a Batman prequel, and in a roundabout way it was, as it was set in Gotham City and the Wayne’s were front and present. I haven’t been to the movies much lately and was completely uninformed as to the plot, but I’m a “Batgirl” at heart and just went with it.

This was no superhero commentary. Was there a connection? Yes. Yet, within seconds of the opening scene I began to wonder, “Should I stay or should I go?” Every alarm in my psyche was honing in on the fact that it could potentially take me down. He was painting on a mask, but behind his eyes you could clearly see that the road he’d been walking until that moment had cost him the connection to both the outside world and himself. Even still, I was compelled to sit through this six degrees of separated version of not just Zack’s story, but my own and so many others I’ve known.

As we cringed our way through Joker’s “Hell on Earth”, I watched him bring a gun to his head six times, and if that weren’t bad enough, though we’d anticipated him blowing his own brains out in the end, brains indeed were blown out on the screen. Meanwhile, I just sat there … like a wall. I could see my sister panic every time that gun went to his head, and she kept asking if we needed to leave, but I assured her I was okay, because I WAS! I don’t know what in my own “Hell on Earth” this says about me, but actually, I think I do …

I AM ONE STRONG FUCKING BITCH!

I’m the storm the storm never saw coming! I truly am a “Warrior. Motivator. SURVIVOR!” The longer I sat there, the LESS I wanted to cry and shake my fists up to Heaven screaming “WHY?” I know “why” ALL too well, and no amount of screaming or fist shaking will change this plot line or erase the things I’ve “gotten to learn” so far. Do I still cry? Every fucking day! I’m only human after all. But I believe that every single tear I shed is being counted by a Power INFINITELY higher than me and I trust it. So, I welcome them, then let them go, as my most effective form of therapy.

Much like Zack, who often felt isolated in even the most crowded spaces, Joker had lost the connection with not just himself, but humanity. He’d been stepped on, overlooked, and bullied by life in general, which led him to a psychological madness that most people couldn’t even fathom. Like The Joker (and so many of us), my husband wore two faces: The “I’m okay” happy one he donned each day while secretly living in a mental prison with “the monster” where he wore the other sick, dark, “tragic truth one” until the day he died.

Perhaps one of the most poignant scenes in the movie found the mentally ill Joker sitting in front of “a system” letting him down, just as everyone he’d ever known had already done, and he said something to the effect of …

Have you even listened to a SINGLE thing I’ve said? All these times I’ve sat in front of you – have you EVER really seen or heard me?

… and such is the story of so many of our lives, then we, too, slip to the void of our own darkness, which is why I think I couldn’t bring myself to leave the one movie I probably shouldn’t have seen in the first place. Last night, while sitting in that theatre like the rock I know I’ve become? I DIDN’T CRUMBLE! I DIDN’T CRY! I only became further convicted in my need to touch as many “Joker’s” lives as possible with whatever time I have left here on this Earth. Self-pity, sorrow, screaming, and “fist shaking” will accomplish ZERO, but “reaching the unreachable” just might.

“Joker“

OCTOBER 15, 2019: “Angels Unaware” …

October 14, 2019November 19, 2025 The Diary Of My Perfection

This is no joke, but last night Gia and I had an encounter with a real angel …

“Cassiel”

I have always believed in angels, and so has she, but this was just surreal. The scariest part is that upon investigation as to who this “Cassiel” being was, what we found was beyond astonishing! He’s not just any angel, you see, but rather, the Archangel known for watching the events of the cosmos unfold with little to no interference. He’s the angel of solitude and tears said to preside over the deaths of kings and the patron angel of “all manner of overlooked people”, or those in weakened states, including orphaned children and the downtrodden. Cassiel is also the angel of the planet Saturn, whose protagonist is Zazel, the demon of Saturn that is most known for infiltrating the minds of the psychologically weak and mentally ill.

Cassiel’s planetary number just happens to be 8, which turned on its side is infinity. This wasn’t only Zack’s favorite number, but he was supposed to be getting an infinity tattoo with both mine and Gia’s name on each end on August 23rd had he not left us. Eight was also his Life Path Number, and Gia and I have been seeing 8’s everywhere. Lest we also forget that he made his decision to die on August 8th … “8/8”. Perhaps we’re both insane, but Gia and I are both at home today feeling a bit ethereal in every best way possible.

OCTOBER 7, 2019: “The Three Things” …

October 7, 2019November 25, 2020 The Diary Of My Perfection

Happy Monday everyone and let’s make it a good week! Do me a favor though: If you HAVEN’T heard Matthew McConaughey’s “Three Things” speech, please take four minutes and HEAR IT TODAY! “The third thing” is my personal favorite. No matter what in the actual HELL I have to walk keep on walking through until it’s time for me to go home I will ALWAYS keep chasing my hero, “the me I want to be in the future”, whether it be two minutes, a week, or ten years from now. If I’ve learned anything thus far it’s that I must be my biggest fan, as I’m the one that truly knows me best, lives inside my own heart and head, and most importantly, TALKS TO ME the most! I AM MY OWN “BEST FRIEND AND LIFE PARTNER” and it’s ME AND ONLY ME who will make that final walk one day towards The Light I’ll NEVER stop seeking! So is it the same for us all! SO BE YOUR OWN HERO! It’s the right thing to do.

“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“

He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?

(“That Music Thing“)

I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.

NETTIE

{Type O Negative}

Let the moron pay for it? Really? He said that? Okay then, I WILL, just watch me! I’ll take care of EVERYTHING, and he can ride his selfish gravy train straight to Hell!

MY WISH

DANGEROUS

Exactly .3 miles from the throne he abdicated in the subdivision being constructed that abuts ours.

“That” was the last road he traveled.

“There” was the last turn he ever made.

“Those” were the last things that befell his dying eyes as he headed towards his fate.

But here’s the deal …

GHOST

What do you think adults should know about social media?

Think about things in your life that bring you joy. How do you ensure time for those people, experiences or moments?

Tell a story about a time when you made a mistake or experienced failure and what you learned?

***

Miss Cat, I know I’m just a kid and everything, but I hope you know that you are an inspiration to me, and you are doing a really good job raising Gia. I notice things about people. You are special and you’re raising a special girl.

THE RIDDLE

If I can do this,

YOU CAN DO THIS!

SHE HASN’T DREAMT OF HIM SINCE “THAT NIGHT“!

WALK WITH ANGELS

Zachariah,

ASHES OF EDEN

Well I’m gonna sing the only song there is to sing!

TO THE “ME” I’M LEAVING BEHIND:

… “I DARE YOU”!

HERE’S TO ANOTHER HALF A CENTURY OF SURVIVING!

(PRINCESS ALICE): Whatever for?

My faithlessness.

If anyone owes anyone an apology, we both know it’s the other way around … when we were forced to leave Greece I couldn’t cope. I needed care. I needed help.

That wasn’t help that they gave you, it was torture.

They tried their best.

No, the treatment they gave you was barbaric and your courage in rising above it was remarkable.

I didn’t do it alone. I couldn’t have. I had help every step of the way. Now, Bubbikins, you mentioned faithlessness. How is your faith?

Dormant.

That’s not good. Let this be a mother’s gift to her child. That one piece of advice: Find yourself a faith. It helps. No – not just helps. It’s everything.

HAVE FAITH MY CHILD. You’re going to be okay. They’re going to be okay. Someday they will understand.