Just sending out a smoke signals out to all my fellow kings and queens! In case no one has told you this today …
You,
Are,
AMAZING!
“Let’s state the obvious right now”, you’ll be victorious! You’ll take the crown (just like you’ve always done before). Keep digging in, THEY’LL STEP AROUND, ’cause in the end you will stand your ground!
And remember …
It’s okay to scream out loud that you’re way too good for assholes and their bullshit! It doesn’t make you egotistical – it makes you SELF-RESPECTFUL! If you are in my “virtual circle” and therefore reading this right now, chances are that you, too, are a badass, otherwise we wouldn’t be virtually connected. Don’t let anyone lower you to their “surface level”. If they can’t or won’t rise to you, leave them at the bottom.
Rise up. Fly high. Advocate for yourself in everything you do, and don’t accept anything that’s not EVERYTHING! Keep your chin up, knuckles out, and head WAY up above the clouds! Trust me when I tell you, the oxygen is MUCH better here – especially when you’ve taken the crown!
You … are going … to be … OKAY! As long as there is still breathe in your lungs and you wake up again tomorrow morning, theres still a chance for you to find The Light! The Moon does always fall, but The Sun always rises, too. I promise, promise, promise. All of which now reminds me of some the most beautiful words I never knew I needed to hear until I heard them from a Swedish Flyboy on an American plane coming back from France …
Keep your face always toward the sunshine – and shadows will fall behind you.“
{Walt Whitman}
So, chin up, knuckles out, and keep the faith, my friend, because life really must go on.
LIFE MUST GO ON
Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. They only remind you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way. But hope is not gone, ’cause The Sun always sets, The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal and joy seemed to last. Yesterday. Forever is gone. We have our misfortunes – the darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning … the promise awaits … and know that this life must go on. And the Sun always sets. The Moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling … rolling … Life must go on. {Alter Bridge}
… because maybe sometimes the meaning behind the message the Cosmos is trying to send us can only be received when we’re actually ready to hear them.
I’ve watched the “Bubbikins” episode of The Crown more than a dozen times, and if you’ve read my “Speaking Of Faith And Crowns” blog, you know it was a huge catalyst in connecting with the many messages my God has been sending me every step of the way. But did you know that I didn’t know there was, perhaps, a more important message in it that I’d missed entirely? I’d been watching it again on Friday night when Christian called me in tears saying, “Momma, PLEASE forgive Grandpa“? THEN I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and wrote “Desperado“. THEN “the message hidden in the message” literally HIT ME like a ton an actual ton of bricks:
What if everything we think we’ve known isn’t really what it was at all? Just as I pray that what ultimately awaits me on The Brighter Side Of Grey is my own children’s understanding of what was really happening on “the day of The Circadian“, even more so do I pray that I remain steadfast in my conviction that indeed, it is true, that “HURT people hurt PEOPLE”, and sometimes grace is the onlybig picture we were evermeant to understand.
… and, with that, I am STILL the luckiest Queen on the face of this beautiful planet, STILL God’s favorite daughter, and STILL blessed far beyond anything my MANY sins of the past should have allowed. I love you, too, God. THANK YOU – for EVERYTHING! Your not so hidden “hidden messages” are coming through louder and clearer with every step I’m allowed to take.
… that moment you ask her to “do something fun” with the little glass jar you kept from that time he whisked you away for a “King Williamson style” staycay that once contained the $15 gummy bears he devoured in less than sixty seconds!
Meanwhile, here we are, turning trash into treasureyet again, making beauty from random things and extraordinary moments while remembering only the best things that need to be remembered to keep his legacy alive while leaving out all the rest. I asked her to make it coordinate with this hand crafted clay tile she’d made me earlier last year so I could set them together in the window sill in front of my kitchen sink where I swear I spend more than half my “MOM LIFE”!
My “Mona Lisa” is not just an artist, she is artistry come to life. Both my works of art are the most beautiful ballads my heart as known, and I just can’t say it enough. Her heart, imagination, internal beauty and grace never cease to amaze me, especially in all the endless ways she’s able to look through the darkest of forests and find that one thing that brings it to life. She looks for the best in every person and thing and is slow to discount the possibilities in what others may find useless.
She is her mother’s daughter. He is his mother’s son. Not only do they both love making “all things new”, even more so do they continually renew me, “the luckiest queen on this Earth“! I am so lucky to still be here to witness my legacyburning up through all of our ashes to their own phoenix way of life.
Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time out of their life to watch my videos or read this Diary. I know that I’m a little too much of everything at times and that my open, raw, transparent, and a little too unfiltered vulnerability isn’t for the faint of heart. There’s an ass for every seat, so, if you don’t like what I have to say, just swipe past me. It’s all good.
This weekend has been another important “destination” in my journey, as I have finally put some much needed closure out into the Cosmos with a blog post to the father I’ve been warring with in silence for YEARS. It was something that should have happened a long time ago, lest I be the world biggest living hypocrite with my “it’s all about forgiveness” stance, yet, not forgiving the HURT people who have hurt ME. This morning, I feel lighter than I have in as long as I can remember, regardless of the fact that knowing my father the way I do, there is chance that he will neither read my words or accept them. But, I’ve said them, nonetheless, because it was the right thing for me to do.
Ironically, the first time I ever heard this beautiful song was way back in 1996 while I was volunteering with a local prison ministry, Reaching America’s Youth, trying desperately to reach the incarcerated youth of Texas with a message of faith, hope, grace, salvation, and FREEDOM. Truth being told, while it was, indeed, one of the most rewarding experiences of my life, it was, too, one of the most helpless feeling experiences of my life. But you see, little did I really understand back then, just because a human being is “physically” free to roam about this world, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re TRULY “free”. I, myself, have been incarcerated by prison bars of my own making for far too many years to count. Tonight? I broke through yet another one of those bars, if not one of the most important.
Dad, if you ever see this …
I LOVE YOU and I’M SORRY!
FREE
The Sun was beating down inside the walls of stone and razor wire as we made our way across the prison yard. I felt my heart begin to race as we drew nearer to the place where they say that death is waiting in the dark. The slamming doors of iron echoed through the halls where despair holds life within its cruel claws. But then I met a man whose face seemed so strangely out of place. A blinding light of hope was shining in his eyes. And with repentance in his voice, he told me of his tragic choice that led him to this place where he must pay the price. But then his voice grew strong as he began to tell about The One he said had rescued him from Hell. He said I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. And I am free, yeah, yeah, and the freedom I’ve been given is something that not even death can take away from me. Because I’m free. Jesus set me free. We said a prayer and said good-bye, and tears began to fill my eyes as I stepped back out into the blinding sun. And even as I drove away, I found that I could not escape the way he spoke of what the grace of God had done. I thought about how sin had sentenced us to die, and how God gave His only Son so you and I could say “I’m free, yeah, oh, I have been forgiven. God’s love has taken off my chains and given me these wings. {Steven Curtis Chapman}
I’m pretty sure the text I sent this morning didn’t make it through, because the bubble on the screen was blue, which usually means “you’re blocked”. But I have it on good word that you do read some of my posts, so, “I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow“.
I have heard you say the words “I never want to hear from you again” way too many times to count, and although it never gets easy hearing it, I understand if that is how you wish for it to be. I made peace with being on the losing end of the “I’m done with you” gauntlet engineered by your mother before I was even a thought. But I just want you to know that despite everything that’s ever been or that never has, and how I’ve now become the black sheep of this family, I do wish things could be different than they are.
Gia loves you too, and obviously so does Christian, but the cycle that keeps repeating itself in this family is no way for anyone to live, especially in the wake of devastation and loss my kids and I have suffered. Gia and I cannot allow ourselves in the presence of toxic places, energies, situations or people anymore. It’s a choice we’ve had to make for our mental health and survival. As for Christian, I’ve tried relentlessly to help him understand how things in this family work so that he too can rise above it once and for all, but at this point in the game, all I can do is pray that he finds a Light at the end of the lonely, darkened tunnel of regret we all built for him to travel. I pray every day that he doesn’t end up shooting HIMSELF in the head like my husband.
That being said, you should know that my son is a really good kid with a really big heart who tried desperately to gain your “approval”. The only reason he stays medicated and “disengaged” is because he’s broken. He’s humiliated, ashamed, and shattered into pieces because he just can’t ever seem to do anything good enough, and he can’t keep up with all your “conditions”. Every promise you ever made to him was broken. Every “gift” you ever gave him has been retracted. Don’t you remember how it made you feel when your own mother did those things to you? Welcome to your grandson, Dad. He’s history repeating itself, just like I used to be until I finally said ENOUGH!
I don’t wish any harm on you or for you to have to die all alone like the black rose in one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard. It’s tragic that there’s nothing leftof this family, especially after all evil your own “mother” did to you. The one thing that’s always baffled me is why would you want to be like her? Her grudges? Her conditions? Her double-standards of bullshit? The way she “washed her hands of you” when you failed to follow the rules? The only thing I have ever wanted to “give” my own children is a different life than the one I had. It’s no secret that I’ve failed them both miserably at times and repeated some of the cycles that were handed down on this family tree, BUT THEN I WOKE UP!Do you remember that day? I “woke up” in an insane asylum a thousand miles from home after having my kids literally peeled off my body while being carted off to a nuthouse to finally make the decision to stop living a life of farce. I did that for them, not for me, and do not regret a single decision I’ve made since deciding to start all over. Not, a single, ONE.
For the record, I don’t care about all your money or any of your “stuff”. I need nothing from ANYONE and can take care of myself and my kids just fine. It’s just that Christian says that you’re very sad these days, and I hate to hear that about anyone. Life is too short, so you should try to make the most of what time you have left here, whether it’s one day or twenty years. You and mom both worked so hard all your lives, and now what is there to show for it? An empty house? Some cars? A bank account and a bunch of “stuff”? No thanks. I’ll pass. No one will care about “what” you had when you die, and God isn’t going to ask what kind of car you drove when you get there. He’s just going to ask, “How Did You Love” and did you believe in His Son.
Thirty-three years ago, I stood on a stage and sang this song to you in an auditorium full of strangers. Hearing it still makes me cry as I ponder the opportunities, we all missed “living”, and how we’ve foolishly taken each other for granted. All any of us ever wanted was you, Dad. Not your money – not your stuff. Just you. We wanted to be what made you feel like a king! But we’ve all fallen short, such that you can’t even bare to look at us, just as we are, nothing more, nothing less, and say: “THEY are my castle. THEY are my crown. Win, lose or draw, fuck ups and failures, THEY are my family, and THEY are good enough!”
So, with that, I leave you with this. Whether or not you believe it, I hold no grudge against you, nor will I ever, and I forgive you for every single thing you either “did or didn’t do” right by this family. Trust me when I tell you, I’ve had more than my fair share of “did or didn’t do” moments and I have been anything but a perfect parent. If it is true that you have read any of my words, then surely you must know that I have long since accounted for and apologized to them both for the many ways I failed them and all the ways I could have done better. Your granddaughter and I have not only forgiven the best husband and father this world has ever known, but THE DEVIL HIMSELF for devouring his mind and breathing the monster into his head that hurt us so badly in the end. That being said, with the exception of a handful of people in this world who have come for me and mine, I live by the same grace and forgiveness that God has unconditionally shown me.
Now, does that mean that I don’t openly hope that the handful of people I’ve had to forgive for my sake and my sake alone for the disgustingly cruel acts of inhumanity against my husband and my children don’t sleep well at night? It sure as hell doesn’t, and I sure as hell DO wish nothing but the LEAST for them and theirs! I forgive them all, but hope they never stop seeing my husband’s beautiful face staring back when they look inside their empty mirrors, and I very much do pray they have NIGHTMARES when they close their eyes thinking of their “trash can boy Zack of shit” son and brother blowing his brains out alone in that car after a lifetime of abandonment, betrayal, and neglect. And that “first do no harm” blonde HOOKER nurse who knowingly, willingly, and “in her right mind-edly” set out to destroy me and my kids? Yah, I’ve forgiven her too, but here’s wishing her all “the rest” that only a see you next Tuesday like her deserves! But wow, I’ve digressed! You get the point. I can forgive anyone for pretty much anything, and with the exception of those sub-human “things” that destroyed my husband and tried to destroy my kids, I wish nothing but the best for everyone – including YOU!
The picture below is my favorite one of me, and the center of one the best things I’ve ever written, “Crossing Over“. You were in that picture too, but I cropped you out when I published it. It was the wrong thing to do, especially given that when I decided to “cross over”, I did so as queen. Well, good queens don’t hold grudges or burn people alive on a cross. They speak their mind, walk away, and let God handle all the details. That is what I’m doing now. For what it’s worth, no matter what does or doesn’t happen, or what words are left unsaid between us when it’s time for you to see The Brighter Side Of Grey, this is the picture of us I will always choose to remember. I’m leaving out all the rest. I love you Dad, and I’m truly sorry for anything I’ve done to hurt you. My war with you is over!
DESPERADO
Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? You’ve been out ridin’ fences for so long now. Oh, you’re a hard one. I know that you got your reasons. These things that are pleasin’ you can hurt you somehow. Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds boy. She’ll beat you if she’s able. You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet. Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table, but you only want the ones that you can’t get. Desperado! Oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger. Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home. And freedom? Oh freedom. Well, that’s just some people talkin’. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. Don’t your feet get cold in the wintertime? The sky won’t snow, and the Sun won’t shine. It’s hard to tell the nighttime from the day. You’re losin’ all your highs and lows. Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away? Desperado, why don’t you come to your senses? Come down from your fences, open the gate. It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you. You better let somebody love you (let somebody love you). You better let somebody love you before it’s too late. {The Eagles}
… that moment you see certain words strung together that instantly send your heart, mind and soul back through a lifetime of beautiful memories that became your reason for surviving UNDEFEATED! If you’ve read my story or know a SINGLE thing about me, you know that I should probably not be able to breathe anymore.
On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon exactly one year ago today, “the music wheel of destiny” stopped my world, and my heart, and sent me straight into the breakdown lane of one of the busiest highways in Dallas so that I could literally “cry my eyes out”. It was as if Zack were singing this beautifully haunting melody to me, my daughter, and my son in a message from “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, where in our hearts we know he finally is. If you haven’t ever heard this song, I cannot urge you enough to listen to it, especially if you are at odds with yourself over the legacy you are going to be leaving behind for your own children and loved ones.
Today I celebrate!
TODAY I’M THANKFUL!
Today I’ll stay grey, just like the sky in Dallas as I write this, because if I’ve learned anything in my “fifty-ONE-derful” years of life, it’s that life really ISN’T a game, it’s a song, and I fully intend to enjoy every single chord until I reach The Brighter Side of every fucked up, twisted moment of my absurd and beautiful life.
Since COVID crashed our concert last year, Gia still hasn’t read the letter Zack wrote before he left. She knows this song exists but isn’t allowed to listen to it until she can first hear Ivan singing it live on stage. That will be the night I finally let her read the words he wrote to her “in case he was gone tomorrow”. PLEASE listen to this song, my friends. It may just change the trajectory of your own legacy and how you look at “grey” forever.
Some say forgiveness is for alone, and I agree, with the exception of this one little caveat as far as the full extent of grace I’m capable of extending to the TRULY evil “Devil’s Own” that walk among us. Yes, I have forgiven my husband’s “mother“, and his “brothers and sisters“, and even that pit viper who in her 100% stable, not mentally ill mind, set out to decimate not only my life, but my children’s.
I made the mistake of sharing some things I’d been through with her, including my battle with mental illness. Trust me when I say she knew exactly what she was doing and why her threats would work. In PURE EVIL style, she used my once paralyzing fear of what people would think of me as the power in her “I’M GONNA TELL EVERYONE YOU’RE NUTS” game of chicken.
Lol! Can you even imagine the extra special kind of “human” woman it would take to not only weaponize someone’s mental health against them, but worse yet, use the power of her pussy to encourage a father to weaponize his own daughter against her mother? You see, at that point Zack and I were barely on our feet and foolishly believed that with my extensive mental health history and lack of resources to fight back, if they did take me to court, not only would we definitely be “bled dry” (as my ex used to say), but we’d risk losing Gia as well.
If only I’d known then what I know now. After everything was said and done, a court battle probably would have turned out in our favor. Was I a perfect mom? NOPE! Did I battle mental illness? YUP! Was I the “danger to society and children” she literally called all the other moms to tell them? NOPE! Meanwhile, it takes a SPECIAL kind of evil to just wake up one day and say, “Let me destroy her for sport because she gave me all her cards and I can!”
Perhaps the worst part of what she did was how she even managed to turn Gia’s father against her amid one of her darkest storms. She had him convinced that Gia wasn’t really being bullied, shunned and ostracized at school, but that she, too, was just making things up as she went along. As a result, her dad believed that she, “like me”, was a lying, manipulating, story-teller who was jealous of his new girlfriend and her daughter. He refused to protect her. He refused to believe her. He refused to validate the sobering truths of what was happening to her at that school, which to this day is a deep source of trauma to her. She has forgiven her dad for the many ways he chose to stand in the corner of “Scamgela” and her daughter instead of hers, but trust me, she has never forgotten. Nor will she!
This is what PURE EVIL looks like:
It depends on where you are in your journey, whether or not you’ve fortified your mental wealth, and to whom you’re disclosing your illness. After my clinical diagnoses and still in the early stage of my process, I made the grave mistake of sharing it with my ex’s girlfriend. Not only was she a nursing student at the time, but she claimed to have had a background in clinical psychology, as well, so, I really thought I could trust her. “First do no harm”, right, Nurse Angela! Right? Well, just as sure as you’ve heard it said that “the devil will often appear disguised as everything you’ve ever wanted or needed”, she befriended me from out of the blue at a time when I was both mentally and physically down and in need of a friend. On the surface, she was kind and thoughtful, quickly availed herself to my process, and was eager to lend an ear and “support”. What I didn’t realize, however, is that what she was REALLY doing was collecting information to use against me at a later time, which, in fact, SHE DID!
Quite early in their relationship (which, for the record, I set up), things began spiraling between her and my ex. My kids couldn’t stand her (and STILL can’t to this day), as it was beginning to appear that there were ulterior motives behind her intentions. Within two weeks of dating, she all but moved her things into their home, and her vapid “indiscretions” within earshot of my son and his girlfriend (who were living at my ex’s at the time) didn’t help her case at all. Lol! “That” was five years ago, but her “loudly moaning and screaming” as they would say, and the headboard banging against the wall are STILL fodder at many of our family dinners. Long, sordid, and disgusting story short: Once things stopped going the way she’d hoped, she used the weaknesses and vulnerabilities I’d shared with her to bludgeon me. She began threatening to tell everyone at our very small private school about my “institutionalized nervous breakdown”, and that I was a “Girl Interrupted borderline”. She’d convinced herself that I was the one responsible for turning my kids against her, as well as many of the moms at our school, and assured me in no uncertain terms that “if I didn’t stop causing her problems”, SHE WAS GONNA TELL! She’d even threatened to contact the Texas Real Estate Commission and my brokerage and attempt to have my real estate license stripped from me.
Fast forward to that day on the school playground where a group of fourth grade girls (who this hooker’s daughter incited to shun and socially ostracize my daughter) surrounded my already fragile baby girl in a circle and asked her: “Is it true that your mom is a sociopath, was in a mental hospital, and dangerous to be around?” Yes, this is a verifiable reality! That pretty little pit viper and PIG had, indeed, called all the moms and spilled my beans. For the record, that day on the playground was the catalyst for my daughter’s suicidality, which in an extreme turn was one of the lynch pins in my husband’s ACTUAL suicide.
So, with that, I say to you this: Be careful who you share your illness with unless and until you are prepared for the potential backlash. Find a support system you can “trust with your life”! YOU NEED TO HAVE “SAFE PEOPLE” YOU CAN LEAN ON! You CANNOT and SHOULD NOT make your mental health recovery journey alone, but remember that there ARE people out there who prey on other people’s weaknesses in order to make themselves “God”. I call them “the Devil’s Own”!
Thank you all for listening, and for the record: “Hi everyone! It’s me, The REAL Cat Williamson! Yes, I am a recovering Borderline! Yes, I’ve had a nervous breakdown! No, I’m not ashamed of it! Yes, I’m a BADASS! Nope, I don’t care “who knows”! It took me a very long time, a lot of hard work, and a handful of unconditionally loving “safe people” for me to get here. I will pray for any of YOU who are still searching for the other side of your storm.
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
{MATTHEW 6:14}
There will be times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self and of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.
{TIMOTHY 3:1-5}
I really can forgive anyone for just about anything, and as God is my witness, I HAVE! But I’ll just keeping taking people on a case-by-case basis. The Devil’s Own really do walk among us, but I’m not even sure they’re “people”. They’re a different kind of breed “thing” altogether. I’m not quite sure I’ll ever get to the point that I stop avidly praying that God really DOES sort us all out in the end. I’m just a mortal human, not a god or Jesus Christ, so I’ll just keeping asking for “forgiveness” for not being too excited about the idea of “mercy for the merciless”.
{THE REAL CAT WILLIAMSON 3:9:21}
PURE EVIL
Wipe that smile off your face you immaculate disgrace, ’cause Heaven knows a prayer won’t save you now. You wear the halo of a saint to hide the venom of a snake, built your kingdom on a lie, so watch it all come crashing down! Now! You prophet of hate. You profit from faith. Truth-less, two-faced, two bit fuckin’ hypocrite, how does it feel? How does it feel? The day has come to pay for what you’ve done. Sinner revealed. Tell me how does it feel? So pure within your soul. Pure evil if your blackened heart believes in the righteous words you speak. You know Heaven will send hell for you and bring you to your knees … pray as your throne burns slowly. Now how does it feel? {Like A Storm}
A friend of mine posted something on his social media recently that really hit me hard:
The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your “I don’t need anyone; I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. You needed it to shield your heart from the abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you. From the parent who was absent and abandoned you, perhaps by choice. From the parent didn’t intend to abandon you but was never home because they were working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy, but never offered a safe haven to honor your heart. From friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you, “We’re in this together” or “I got you”, then, they ended up leaving you behind to pick up all the pieces when shit got real … leaving you to handle not just your part, but sometimes their part, too, in the messes that were made in your life. From all of those lies and betrayals along the way, you learned that you just really couldn’t trust people – OR – that you COULD trust people, but only up to that point when “being there for you” was convenient or not such a hassle for them.
Let me tell you why this post REALLY upset me …
“The fortress” that is being spoken of in this post? He was my husband!He’s still my son! She was my daughter! SHE WAS ME! “A fortress” is what so many kids are becoming today, even as I write this, and I’m sickened to say that because there are certain parenting and lifestyle choice boundaries that are just not okay to cross, I have sometimes had to sit silently and helplessly as so many parents I know literally decimate their children right in front of my eyes!
Yes, I’m a queen. Yes, I’m healed, risen, and SOARING after a lifetime of hiding behind the fortress walls that I built for myself. Yes, I’m thankful for every thing, person, and situation that broke me, because I wouldn’t have had anything to ascend from had I not come from all these ashes. I would never have known how to recognize or receive true, unconditional love, grace, acceptance, and kindness from the very few people who have ever offered it to me had I not had to live behind my own walls.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE!
You learned: “If I don’t put myself in a situation where I really rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me – OR – “WHEN they drop the ball … because they WILL drop the ball EVENTUALLY!” – OR – “When they SLAM the ball back in my face because they just got fucking SICK of helping me carry it around!”
You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.
You may even have been unintentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of the hurt ancestors who came before you, and you don’t even know it. As we all know, many toxic family traits are general in nature.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A PRE-EMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST HEARTBREAK!
So, you don’t trust ANYONE, right? And you don’t trust YOURSELF either? ESPECIALLY, you don’t trust yourself to choose people correctly? To trust is to hope. To trust is to be vulnerable. “Never again,” you vow! But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem that this level of independence is what you always wanted to be … in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective wall. Impenetrable! Nothing gets in … no one gets hurt …BUT NO LOVE GETS IN, EITHER! Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or for those who believe that a battle is coming.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE!
But, the good news is that ACKNOWLEDGED trauma can be HEALED trauma! So, with that, to all you selfish, toxic, ABUSIVE “parents” running around out there:
WAKE THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!
For Christ’s actual sake, get your kids out of toxic environments you have them in. Protect them! Cherish them! Validate them! Hear them! Consider your children FIRST in every single decision you make! Worse yet, stop letting the people who have hurt YOU continue to hurt your children! IT’S GROSS! By failing to heal yourself and find a way to have healthy relationships after the ones that have broken you apart, you only perpetuate the cycle of “victimized brokenness” that you will then gift to your innocently jaded children. I mean, c’mon now, “mom or dad” … do you really want to be one of those parents whose children only ever come to visit you when they absolutely HAVE to because although they do still actually love you, they have to make the decision to love you from a distance because they have to protect themselves from YOU?
In the meantime, I’ll just keep praying that someday I don’t get that call that a child I once knew and loved swallowed a bullet because their miserable excuses for “parents” couldn’t get their shit together, or “deserved the life that they deserved”, and now I have to show up to that child’s funeral because they just couldn’t deal anymore. But mostly, I’ll be praying that someday, somehow, any child or adult who lives behind the walls of their own fortress will one day be able to stand in front of a mirror and say:
I AM WORTHY of having support!
I AM WORTHY of having true partnership!
I AM WORTHY of love!
I AM WORTHY of having my heart held!
I AM WORTHY to be adored!
I AM WORTHY to be cherished!
I AM WORTHY to have someone say, “You rest – I got this”, and actually fucking deliver on that promise!
Every Christmas, my ex and his mom send a fresh wreath with little butterflies on it to our daughter’s grave. It happens every year faithfully since the very first Christmas without her, and their beautiful wreaths are something I always enjoy seeing as “me and mine” make our own treks to dress her spot with a basket befitting an angel.
But then? THIS year …
As par for the course, her dad brings the old wreaths for me to “do my thing” with them every year. It’s a labor of love that fills my heart with unspeakable joy, because for all she brought to me in a few short hours, taking them apart and piecing them into my own spring baskets just makes me feel so close to her energy. While I was on the phone with her dad this January, this conversation happened:
Hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m taking apart her wreath and getting ready to make the basket.
Oh, good! There’s seventeen, right?
Seventeen? Seventeen WHAT?
Seventeen butterflies. We add one every year, and this year she’d have been seventeen.
My heart hit the floor in the best kind of way. I had no idea that year after year, one by one, as I’d been carefully cutting those delicate butterflies from their wires and setting them on tissue paper until it was time for their final journey, there was yet anotherhidden picture waiting to be revealed in keeping with the sweet mosaic rhythm of my life.
Indeed, it’s true … a tortilla really DID make me cry today, but Batman TOTALLY saved the day! Unless you either are a Mexican, was raised by a Mexican, lived with a Mexican, or spent any time next to a Mexican abuela turning dough balls in the kitchen, you simply cannot understand the “tortilla” of it all! Someday, if you’re really lucky, I’ll tell you ALL about what my Italian grandmother taught me about food from her kitchen. Oh, wait, I’ll just tell ya now! It went somethin’ like this …
You bettah eat those friggin’ sawsage and peppahs NOW or ya dead to me AND ya gonna burn in HELL!”
I’ve long believed that three is the number of perfection, and under optimal conditions, the all-consuming heat from my untamed heart could melt a diamond. I’m not a fan of being touched, though, so, any man worthy of getting close enough to hold not just my body, but my heart, is gonna have to be forged from fire himself. His Herculean wings will have to be bigger than mine, so that whether he’s flying above or behind me, they’ll see the flames of all MY heart’s desires burning deep inside the fire of his. His wings will need to eclipse the shadows of the only two men on Earth who have ever led me before him. Not only will he be confident enough to live with “my two ghosts”, even more so will he embrace and honor their rightful places in my heart and mind in gratitude for the treasure they left for HIM.
Lastly, and on a side note, I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it is my truest prayer that everyone reading this either has already or will someday soon attract a “Naked Partner” who speaks the love language of your heart so that you don’t have to spend what is often an entirely fruitless lifetime trying to interpret, decode, translate, and explain the language of your soul.
… because he’ll know how to read the most encryption within my heart before we ever speak a word. The the only thing that can survive fire is fire, just as the only one who belongs with a queen is a king … but DAMN, he’ll be one lucky man! Trust me when I tell you, I really am “nothing, everything, and ALL of it“. That’s what he’ll have to be, too.
SOUL SEARCHER
I don’t know what am I looking for … I don’t know what I’ll find. It lies behind the door to another space and time. The riddle is a metaphor without a trace of rhyme. Don’t need a time machine to travel near and far. Went deep inside to reach a distant star. Things are never what they seem when you wonder who you are… who you are. Soul searcher! Soul searcher! Can’t hide – there’s no one there but me. Light reveals what’s never been shown – no mortal eyes can see. By yourself, but not alone, our soulmates set us free. And everything you’ve ever known is what was meant to be… it was destiny. Soul searcher! Take a look inside and tell me what do you see. Soul searcher! Can’t hide-there’s no one there but me. {Joe Lynn Turner}
THE FLOWERS! It was one of my favorite things about him. He’d send me flowers even when I wasn’t home, whether I was sitting in a classroom somewhere, or on the rare occasion that I traveled without him, they’d be waiting in my hotel room!
The fresh flowers that are always on my counter these days (and will be until I take my last breath) may no longer be sent by him directly – but trust me when I tell you – they are, indeed, BECAUSE of him! He made damn good and sure that I knew I was priceless, valuable, and WORTHY of all the best and most beautiful things in this world every single day. The never-ending array of fresh flowers in this house for me (and sometimes even Gia) was just one of the ways he accomplished that. So, when I tell you that he made me a queen and QUEEN I shall be all the days of my life, “all the flowers” are just one of the many reasons why!
Jean Claude Van DAMN I am such a lucky woman. He may be physically gone, but who he was and his legacy of love are still very much alive in the fabric of our lives. True love never dies … it just slips into another room. So, with that, why not go and get YOURSELF some flowers today, because you are worthy, too!
… yes, my friends, we’re all decked out in grey here at The Manor, and I couldn’t be any happier. You cannot really know me without first understanding the “grey” of it all, how I earned the endearing title of Miss Red Hook 1922, and why FOG is my other favorite color.
Faith And Perspective.
The fog doesn’t scare me. It’s neither ominous, looming, or haunting. Within it’s mist, I feel a cosmic hug from every moment and creation that ever was or will be. It’s cryptic, ethereal, and POWERFUL, like The One Who ever charged me to solve the great mystery in the first place:
My truest prayer for anyone reading this is that if you haven’t reached this pinnacle yet, you will before your journey here is over. When that day comes, you will never be falling down again … you’ll only be falling UP … and the fog will whisper the silent rhapsody of God singing you these words:
I wept as I saw you aching, broke as I watched you falling, and suffered as I watched you struggling to get back up and find your way to Me through through the fog. You couldn’t always see me, but I never left your side, and now that you finally understand that you DON’T have to understand “everything and all of it“, you’re standing at My high cathedral walls where nothing about your journey has been meaningless or small. I love you, Child. You are warm, well fed, and at peace Here.
WE FALL DOWN
Cursing every step of the way, he bore a heavy load to the market ten miles away, the journey took its toll. And every day he passed a monastery’s high cathedral walls, and it made his life seem meaningless and small. And he wondered how it would be to live in such a place – to be warm, well fed and at peace, to shut the world away. So, when he saw a priest who walked, for once, beyond the iron gate, he said, “tell me of your life inside the place”. And the priest replied, “We fall down, we get up … and the saints are just the sinners who fall down and get up”. Disappointment followed him home, he’d hoped for so much more, but he saw himself in a light he had never seen before, ’cause if the priest who fell could find the Grace of God to be enough, then there must be some hope for the rest of us. There must be some hope left for us, ’cause we fall down, we get up …”. {Bob Carlisle}
Hi everyone, it’s me, your friendly, neighborhood “REAL CAT” with some EPIC life hacks for ya … not the least of which is THIS:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:
Before the clock strikes that hour when your beloved is gonna walk through your door, slap some lipstick on it, brush your teeth, and give that lucky person driving home to you right now a ‘lil somethin’ to look forward to! Oh, and clean out your jewelry box! Okay, that’s it!
Meanwhile, how ’bout THIS self-portrait of mine Circa “sometime in the late 1980’s” that I drew using a charcoal pencil and the literal ashes from my father’s ashtray?
Yes, that’s right, my friends – evidently THIS is what I used to see when I gazed into a mirror. Pretty effing sad, dontcha think? For YEARS, if not three full decades, my reflection was either missing or just TRAGICALLY gone awry.
That was then.
THIS IS NOW!
I’m a beautifully IMPERFECT masterpiece of magnanimous proportion who actually blows KISSES to herself in the mirror pretty much every time I get. No, REALLY! I do that! My “self talk” game is on FLEEK now! Wait! Is THAT how the young ‘uns say it?
Lol! Here’s me this morning when I first woke up and saw myself in the looking glass whilst looking like the actual creature from beyond:
“Love you, bitch! MUAH!” 💋
{PS}
If you’ve never seen “The Help“, I cannot recommend it enough. Not only is a major lesson for those who don’t fully understand the UGLY truth about American history, but Viola Davis is probably one of my favorite actors of all times. Her portrayal of “Aibileen Clark” (who I mistakenly said was “Minnie” in the video) literally changed the way I speak to myself, EVERY, single, day … AND the way that I hope MY daughter, HER daughters, and my future GRANDdaughters will “self-talk” themselves for as long as my legacy lives on. Just thought I’d share.
I’m don’t think anything has hit me quite as hard as this quote in quite some time. And for the record, this little “life hack” doesn’t just apply to close family and loved ones, it applies to our friends as well. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again …
Yes, I know – we’re ALL fucking busy. We ALL have issues and feel like we’re drowning at times. I get it, I do! I mean, HELLO? Have you met me? Don’t make bullshit excuses! Inconvenience yourself if, damnit! Make the damn call or send the text:
Hi there! I’m not calling for a favor. I don’t have a question. I don’t need you to listen to my latest crisis. I just want you to know that you matter and I’m glad you exist!
Trust me when I say that there’s NEVER a bad time to reach out to someone you love. Also? It’s the right thing to do. Still can’t find the time? Still too busy with your “crisis”? Well, then close your eyes right this second and imagine yourself standing over their grave!
Damn, I wish I would have called them. I wonder if they really knew that they mattered?
There you have it, folks! There’s “NO TIME” like the present, and once all that time you could never find for “your people” is gone, you’re not gonna get it back!
If you’re a natural born taker, and not so much a giver, I get it, and can even appreciate it. There really is a place for both sides of the giver/taker coin, if not to exist solely as “ying” to another’s “yang”. I mean, how would anyone what “selfless” looks like if we didn’t know know what “selfish” looks like, too? Ya can’t see a light without the darkness behind it. It’s both practical logic and sobering, hard core truth. But here’s another even harder core truth …
One day you may just find yourself in that very lonely hour saying,
Wait! Where are all my people … and for God’s sake, WHO ARE ALL MY PEOPLE?
This is usually right about the time you start thinking about all the times you showed up for everyone else … even when your own cards were down, and going, “Wow! What the fuck? REALLY?“
Is it an evil necessary? SURE! Again, with the “light and the dark”. But it’s never too late to switch lanes and really get in the often inconvenient habit of putting your people into perspective and not taking them for granted before the day comes that they are gone.
And by the way, the pain we feel at a loved one’s death can be just as awful as the pain of existing here on Earth with someone you’re theoretically dead to. The phone rings both ways folks, and even the givingest of the givers have their limits. Sooner or later, we learn that though we may still love someone, we have to love them from afar, because our time, effort, and energy are way too valuable to spend on someone who takes our value for granted. Been there. Done that. With each passing day, I’m killing off living people left and right.
IN THE LIVING YEARS
Every generation blames the one before, and all of their frustrations come beating on your door. I know that I’m a prisoner to all my Father held so dear. I know that I’m a hostage to all his hopes and fears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. Oh, crumpled bits of paper filled with imperfect thought. Stilted conversations – I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got. You say you just don’t see it – he says it’s perfect sense. You just can’t get agreement in this present tense. We all talk a different language talking in defense. Say it loud, say it clear. You can listen as well as you hear. It’s too late when we die to admit we don’t see eye to eye. So we open up a quarrel between the present and the past. We only sacrifice the future – it’s the bitterness that lasts. So don’t yield to the fortunes you sometimes see as fate. It may have a new perspective on a different day. And if you don’t give up, and don’t give in, you may just be okay. So say it loud, say it clear. I was e there that morning my Father passed away. I didn’t get to tell him all the things I had to say. I think I caught his spirit later that same year. I’m sure I heard his echo in my baby’s new born tears. I just wish I could have told him in the living years. {Mike & The Mechanics}
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ~ I’m the luckiest, most blessed, badass warrior QUEEN I’ve ever known. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again … it’s not me …
I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life.
HERO
I’m just a step away. I’m just a breath away. Losin’ my faith today – fallin’ off the edge today! I am just a man – not superhuman. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! Someone save me from the hate. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. FALLING FROM MY FAITH TODAY! Just a step from the edge. Just another day in the world we live. I need a hero to save me now! I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I’ve gotta fight today to live another day. Speakin’ my mind today. MY VOICE WILL BE HEART TODAY! I’ve gotta make a stand – but I am just a man. I’M NOT SUPERHUMAN! My voice will be heard today. It’s just another war. Just another family torn. MY VOICE WILL BE HEARD TODAY! It’s just another kill – the countdown begins to destroy ourselves. I need a hero to save me now. I need a hero! SAVE ME NOW! I need a hero to save my life. A hero’ll save me just in time! I need a hero to save my life. I need a hero just in time. Save me just in time. Who’s gonna fight for what’s right? Who’s gonna help us survive? We’re in the fight of our lives and we’re not ready to die! Who’s gonna fight for the weak? Who’s gonna make ’em believe? I’ve got a hero! I’VE GOT A HERO LIVIN’ IN ME! I’m gonna fight for what’s right. Today I’m speaking my mind – and if it kills me tonight, I will be ready to die. A hero’s not afraid to give his life. {Skillet}
I am me. I’m my own best friend, and the one person in my life who I know will never let me down. I’m the person I get to be with until I take my very last breath and set my eyes upon the The Brighter Side Of Grey, and the only one I can count on when all my cards are down, come Hell or the highest of waters.
Rise from your OWN ashes, my friends! Hey, look! Isn’t that “kinda” where diamonds come from? Even the most beautiful diamond is nothing but dirty, disgusting, filthy black carbon DUST forged in the fires burning at the heart, soul, and core of this Earth! Just sayin’!
BEAUTY WILL RISE
It was the day the world went wrong. I screamed ’til my voice was gone and watched through the tears as everything came crashing down. Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains and sift through the ashes that are left. But buried deep beneath all our broken dreams we have this hope. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down. And if you can’t believe, I will believe for you. ‘Cause I have seen the signs of spring! Just watch and see! Out of these ashes, beauty will rise, and we will dance among the ruins. We will see Him with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, beauty will rise. For we know joy is coming in the morning. In the morning. I can hear it in the distance … and it’s not too far away. It’s the music and the laughter of a wedding and a feast. I can almost feel the hand of God reaching for my face to wipe the tears away and say, “It’s time to make everything new.” “Make it all new”. This is our hope. This is the promise. That it would take our breath away to see the beauty that’s been made out of the ashes.
Tonight I watched an episode of “This Is Us” that took me to the ground again, then way back up again, within a very short emotional roller course of less than sixty minutes. Not only was it one of our favorite shows to, but like so many others who watch this series, we were both connected to several of it’s characters. This scene, though? It gut punched me in every worst and worst way possible, but really had me at …
They don’t wanna hang out with us anymore. It’s moving really fast. … We only have a few more years together under the same roof … a few more years where we get to be a part of their daily lives. And then what? They’re gonna move out.
And therein lied a problem far too complicated to explain, but sufficed to say that the mere thought of losing Gia permanently is what really started pushing him over the edge:
As you may know, long before August 22, 2019 when Zack turned our world upside down with the most egregious exit possible, Gia had been on a downward descent of her own for several years. Someday I will revisit in greater detail that sobering night in November 2018 when during a random a spot check of her phone after she’d gone to sleep, Zack walked into our room with a look of doom, dread, fear and panic on his face like nothing I’d ever seen. He’d found that she had searched “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I think I want to kill myself”. Our world came to a frozen halt.
Zack had always said he didn’t think he could survive losing either of us after having been literallyabandoned by his “mother”, then theoretically abandoned by virtually everyone else he’d ever loved. Sadly, I now realize that he really meant what he was saying during those cryptic conversations:
Catherine, I only have five years left with her and then she’ll be going to college. It seems like a lifetime when she’s only gone for two days, so what’s going to happen when she’s gone for months at a time? And then when she’s gone for good? Just thinking about it makes me sick and I don’t know how I’ll survive it!
But now let’s back up to yet another tender moment we’d shared together as a family just a few years earlier, and how this song from that moment circles back to this Diary entry.
The movie was “Trolls”, which was one of his favorites, and it was the water-color hanging on the cabin wall that set the whole tone for the “This Is Us” scene that immediately brought me back to the day we saw Trolls. If you’ve ever seen it, you know that it ends with this song, and like many other familieswho’ve watched it together, the three of us just sat there hand in hand and sobbing as it played. All I could think of was my seemingly impermeable “tower of strength” husband being reduced to rivers of tears at a children’s movie. I saw his true colors shining through, but he’s the one who helped me find mine … and “that’s why I loved him”. After all was said and done, it was the many true colors of our love that defined the story of “us”.
TRUE COLORS
You with the sad eyes – don’t be discouraged. Oh, I realize it’s hard to take courage. In a world full of people, you can lose sight of it all. The darkness inside you can make you feel so small. Show me a smile, then don’t be unhappy. Can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful. I see your true colors shining through! I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors are beautiful – like a rainbow! Oh! I can’t remember when I last saw you laughing. This world makes you crazy, and you’ve taken all you can bear. Just call me up, ’cause I will always be there. And I see your true colors shining through. I see your true colors, and that’s why I love you. So don’t be afraid to let them show. Your true colors – true colors – are beautiful – like a rainbow. {Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick}
I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. Did someone turn the lights out, or is it just another dark cloud in my head? ‘Cause I’m cut deep. My heart won’t beat. Deep down low it’s killing me. If I wanna scratch out yesterday, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! ‘Cause I’m drowning in myself. It’s sinking in. I can’t pretend that I ain’t been through hell. I THINK I NEED HELP! I’m drowning in myself. They’re preying on my weakness. Believe it. I’m thinking to myself: “No, not again!”, and I won’t keep listening when temptation’s creeping in. If I wanna make it another day, I’ve got so much I need to say. I THINK I NEED HELP! {Papa Roach}
… aaaaaand, all I have to say TODAY, is … best damn quote I’ve INVENTED heard in a long damn time! Just sayin’!
RIGHT NOW
Don’t wanna wait ’til tomorrow. Why put it off another day? One by one, little problems build up and stand in our way. Oh! One step ahead, one step behind it. Now you gotta run to get even. Make future plans – I’ll dream about yesterday. Hey! Come on turn, turn this thing around. (Right now!) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! Miss a beat, you lose the rhythm, and nothin’ falls into place. Aah! Only missed by a fraction. Slipped a little off your pace. Oh! The more things you get, the more you want. Just trade in one for another. Workin’ so hard to make it easy. Whoa! Got to turn! Come on! Turn this thing around! (Right now.) Hey – it’s your tomorrow. (Right now!) Come on, it’s everything! (Right now!) Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything! It’s enlightened me – right now! WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN’ FOR? {Van Halen}
Indeed it’s true that the “I got my heart broken, and now I’m afraid to love” struggle is up close, personal, and very real for many. But here’s what I’ve been screamin’, so, listen up real good …
If I hadn’t truly believed in the existence and power of true love all the while and even though some of the most forgettable ones almost destroyed me, I would never have met the two loves of my life, may they both be resting in peace.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again …
I have loved and been truly loved by TWO KINGS in this lifetime, not just one. How many women can say that? While sadly, Fatecalled them both Home ahead of me, the love they gave was enough to last the rest of my lifetime if that is to be MY fate. Nevertheless, it remains …
The people who have hurt you are but FODDER beneath your feet fortifying you for greener pastures to come. (YES, there can be greener pastures beyond baron fields of SHIT, but not until you’re prepared to turn up the dirt).
You will never be able to recognize or appreciate a realking or a queen unless you’ve spent time in the company of assholes! So, just keep on stepping over all that fodder as you head towards greener pastures in the Light! Take it from me … the grass really is better on this side of the fence and can keep on feeding you LONG after the loved ones who helped you sow it are but dust now reaped into your soil.
For the record, YES, I still listen to Corey Hart all the time and LOVE this beautiful song. If you’ve never heard it before, give it a listen.
TAKE MY HEART
Take me to the top again. Take me to the high road shining – ’cause you know I never seen the world like that! You take me to the top again. You take me where it’s slow and easy – ’cause you know I never dream inside like that. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Won’t you take my heart? Don’t leave me here standin’! Take my heart where only you can. Take my heart – there is no resistance. I can only go as far as you can. Yeah, through the leaves of grass I search – and I follow like a soldier, where the battle rages on. Reveal what’s true. And I call to open skies – and I call to high plains driftin’ through the wintertime the Earth shall feed my soul. Discover borderlands that we have yet to run … and you can search forever never reach the Sun. And I can go on tryin’. And I can go on cryin’. Won’t you take my heart … where only you can?{Corey Hart}
Awe, look Mom! It’s Dad standing guard at the little cottage in the woods he made damn good and sure you really ARE gonna have one day!
… then you want to cry, but instead you can only smile, because Jean-Claude Van DAMN she’s the strongest, wisest, most gracioushuman being you’ve EVER met.
If only you really knew why it means so much that she still calls him “Dad” … well … then you’d really know why it it means so much that she still calls him “Dad”. I’m sure you must be tired of me saying it, and I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I always do … but … I really am the MOST blessed queen in the entire history of this world.
If you’re ever bored, please check out my friend, George, the 35 year old turkey vulture who lives in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, at the American Eagle Foundation. Believe it or not, as obsessed as I am with corvids and raptors, even more so am I with vultures!
“But, why Cat? WHY?”
They are, perhaps, one of the mostmisunderstood and sorely undervalued creatures of all, a plight I know far too well. As far as I’m concerned, they’re a gift sent from God as a lesson in selflessness and servitude without recognition!
What I love about George is how his social media fame is steadily changing the face of his kind via his super silly antics and personality! To know him is to love him, but the longer you do, the farther removed from “disgusting bird” you’ll become, as nothing could be farther from the truth!
Vultures are much maligned. As natural garbage collectors, vultures are vital to our ecosystem, so why do we feel this way? Is it because we perceive them as ugly? [They’re]one of very few creatures capable of effortless soaring for hours at a time. Many believe that soaring vultures are a sure signal that a dead animal can be found nearby, but this is not always true. Vultures are intelligent creatures who love to play. When a vulture discovers a thermal, it’s able to hold its wings motionless and allow the warm air to carry it in sweeping circles toward the sky. You may see a group of them soaring gracefully, just enjoying life.
By no meansam I professing to be an avian expert; I merely speak to you from my heart andpersonal perspective. Having taken the time to become educated as George’s fan, I am “committed” to these thoughts about vultures (and yes, that pun was intended) …
THEY CLEAN UP OUR MESSES (so that we don’t have to wallow in them)! They are THE official clean-up crew of death and decay. Without them, we’d be living amid mountains of carcasses, flies, maggots, and only God knows what else that the vultures otherwise consume … aaand the accompanying odors. Now, that would be, “Eww, GROSS!” Which isn’t to say they only feed on roadkill, by the way, but decay and decomposition are the leading characters in the playbill of their life.
No, thank you, Chef Boyardee! We’ll just take that poor little mess on the west side of I-75 that didn’t quite make it to the other side.
THEY’RE THE GOOD KIND OF MARTYRS! In keeping with above, they are fast becoming an integral part of bacterial disease research. They feast on corpses, then we learn from theirs. Can someone say circle of life?“The birds with the iron stomachs” consume the rotting flesh that can be toxic to others. What they consume prevents the spread of diseases that would otherwise be consuming US! Meanwhile, no one ever really says, “Hey, thanks buzzard!”
THEY DON’T ACT LIKE ANIMALS! Vultures are known to be gentle creatures, devoid of unwarranted aggression, avidly social, and cooperative amongst their peers. They prefer to work together, not against each other, and are exceptional parents who share the responsibility of raising their brood.
THEY’RE NOBODY’S VICTIM! Although a vulture’s legs and feet are relatively weak, and their lack of a voice box leaves them speechless, their “disabilities” don’t stop them from accomplishing their life’s work and living out their full potential! Their wings and bills are mighty and they can literally float like feathers, but as far as stinging like bees? Umm, not so much. They can shred a dead-animal steak like tissue paper. Oh, and about that missing voice box? No, they can’t delight us with birdsong like their fellow feathered compadres, they do still manage to thrive with only primitive grunts, screeches, and hisses.
MY DEAREST GEORGE: Thank you, my handsome friend, for helping me rise above all the vulture noise and confusion that once blinded my eyes to one of nature’s great illusions. It is my truest hope that anyone who meets you will find you as wondrous as I do, so that the next time they see your brethren on the road just doing what they do, instead of saying, “Eww, gross!”,they’ll say:
Thank you, God, for those magnificent creatures!”, and MAYBE even, “Carrion, scavenger, wayward as you soar beneath The Sun. Lay that bald little head of yours to rest, my friend! I couldn’t live without you.”
~ Courtesy of The American Eagle Foundation ~
If you are “remotely” interested in supporting “Team George” and the American Eagle Foundation:
Earlier today, a friend of mine posed this question on his Facebook page …
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?
The answer came to me INSTANTLY!
It was December 1995, and I was just in the process of learning about grace, forgiveness, JESUS, and, most importantly, that I could have a close and personal relationship with Him. I was at the forefront of the almost 20 year process of internally crumbling then coming back together, trying so hard to find a way to hold on because I was just so lost and broken. I’d joined a great Bible study, and one night after attending, a friend who knew I’d been struggling and having a really hard time with the concept of “faith” in someone I couldn’t see or touch, gave me one of the most precious gifts I’ve ever received … the DC Talk “Jesus Freak” album. He had that I should listen to the last track first, so, I popped it in my stereo and headed home. Everything about it began cutting me apart, but it wasn’t until I heard these spoken words of Reverend Billy Graham that I lost it in the most bittersweet, irreversible, and powerful way possible:
Can you see God? Have you ever seen Him? I’ve never seen the wind. I’ve seen the EFFECTS of the wind, but I’ve never seen the wind. Can you see the breeze? There’s a mystery to it.
{Reverend Billy Graham}
As par for the course with my serendipitous life, and in keeping with the tone of this post, there are two ironic memories now flooding my mind.
On the night I was gifted this album, I had just left a fellowship meal at Cafe Express in Addison, Texas. As I’d mentioned, I was listening to the song and LOSING IT, but I didn’t say where I was when it started playing. I had just passed by the infamous Midway Road intersection where life was really gonna throw me a curve two years later. There I was listening to the words that unbeknownst to me were plying me with all the faith and strength I was ever going to need “on down the road”.
This book. It was the first thing I noticed the first time I’d ever gone to his place, just sitting on a table next to the giant Chewbacca head he’d worn to a costume party the year before. Lol! He loved that flipping thing so much that he’d made it a part of the decor.Meanwhile, I vividly remember my internal nod to Heaven:
REALLY, God? This is SOMETHING, isn’t it? HE’S something, isn’t he?
In my mind, I can see Your face as Your love pours down in a shower of grace. Some people tell me that You’re just a dream. My faith is the evidence of things unseen. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. You know what I’m going through. I know this is true, ’cause You stood in my shoes. Desire’s inside of me, but it’s hard to believe in what you cannot see. Can you catch the wind? See a breeze? It’s presence is revealed by the leaves on a tree – an image of my faith in the unseen. It’s in my mind’s eye, I see Your face. You smile as You show me grace. In my mind’s eye, You take my hand. We walk through foreign lands – the foreign lands of life. In my mind’s eye, in my mind’s eye. In my mind’s eye, in my mind. In my mind I’m where I belong as I rest in Your arms. And like a child I hold on to You in my moment of truth – yes I do. We can ride the storm. Endure the pain. You comfort me in my hurricane … and I’ll never be alone again.” {DC Talk}
… the will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do …
… and also …
Traditional usage defines fate as a power or agency that predetermines and orders the course of events. Fate defines events as ordered or “inevitable” and unavoidable. This is a concept based on the belief that there is a fixed natural order to the universe, and in some conceptions, the cosmos.
… but here’s the deal:
Life isn’t one solid picture and it doesn’t come wrapped in a bow. So, why do we even need to define it? Fate? Destiny? Any of it? Why do we insist that everything show up for us in perfect order? If I’ve learned anything at this point in my bittersweet and epically beautiful “powered by grace” life, it’s that the only semblance of “order” I can count on is … OH, that’s right! THERE ISN’T ONE! So, I just let all the pieces show up in their perfect timing and let them fall in place.
Sometimes, in order to really see something “bigger”, you have to step back and see it “smaller”. Life is but a mosaic of random and senseless things that somehow come together at the endjust the way they were supposed to. So, try to stop worrying, always do your best, and let your masterpiece reveal itself at its own due pace and time. Fate is what is happening as you are being shattered, then put back together as the pièce de ré·sis·tance of heartache, love, and Light.
You guessed it — it’s a “feeling kinda spry” day for me! “I love me, who do you love?” Don’t get me wrong … I love ALL of you, too. In fact, I truly love everyone. But, I definitely don’t like everyone. Guess what?
THAT’S OKAY!
Indeed, it is true, there are some unfortunate people who pissed this Queenaway, yet, for some reason stilllinger in my atmosphere like clingons. They’re blissfully unaware that I literally, and not metaphorically, LAUGH OUT LOUD at the thought of them. I’m talking about comically small and insignificant people with deluded opinions of themselves who seem to have NO cognitive awareness of the collateral damage their selfish, narcissistic, abusive behaviors have caused, much less what and who they really are: GROSS!
If you are now thinking about the “unfortunates” in your life, that you’re now being reminded that you deserve better so you don’tlet them pull that shit again!
Look, I’m all aboutforgiveness. I mean, come on, HAVE YOU MET ME? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again … I had to forgive the devil himself for crimes against me and mine that no one would be able to forgive. But “forgiveness” isn’t “forgetness“, and that old adage is a giant crock of actual SHIT!
Yup, we’re all human!
YUP, we all fuck up!
NOPE, that doesn’t excuse our behavior!
Some of us live, learn, and grow from our mistakes. SOME OF US DO NOT! That, my dear friends, is where our boundaries come to the rescue! John 15:12-13 says …
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
BUT SOMETIMES WE GOTTA LOVE FROM A DISTANCE!
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way about “unfortunates”. I’m just the only one I know who’s saying it out loud. It is what it is, it’s one of my truest joys, and OMG being “fifty-ONE-derful” comes with some lovely perks … not the least of which is not giving two fucks if this post offends “the unfortunates”. (But I am sorry about all the F-bombs in my posts. I suppose it’s a grave hypocrisy that I’m quoting scripture AND dropping F’s all at the same time. I knowGod hates it when I curse, but hopefully, He understands.
Hi everyone, it’s me, CAT! I’m ever the work in progress!
At the end of the day I am here to say that having both survived textbook narcissismandhaving found the voice to scream out loud about it is pretty fucking awesome!
So, with that, if you’re one of the people reading this now who is no longer worthy of my time and energy, how’s that workin’ out for ya, ya Jean-Claude Van DAMN little “unfortunate”? Here’s a little serenade just for you!
UNTIL IT’S GONE
A fire needs a space to burn. A breath to build a glow. I’ve heard it said a thousand times – but now I know – that you don’t know what you’ve got, oh you don’t know what you’ve got, no you don’t know what you’ve got … until it’s gone. Until it’s gone. UNTIL IT’S GONE! I thought I kept you safe and sound. I thought I made you strong, but something made me realize that I was wrong, ’cause finding what you’ve got sometimes means finding it alone. And I can finally see your light when I let go … ’cause you don’t know what you’ve got … UNTIL IT’S GONE! {Linkin’ Park}
The first time I ever took the Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator was at the request of the counselor I was seeing for a while, “Doctor Steven“. That poor bastard. I’m fairly certain that even he had to seek therapy after dealing with me all those months.Lol. Can you imagine being one of those people who put a counselor in counseling?
Congratulations Cat! In true oxymoronical, walking, talking contradiction style, via everything you’ve ever been, said, or done, you’re both an actual AND a metaphorical freak of the world “INFJ“!
When I got home and began researching “the INFJ of it all“, I literally became nauseous and had a meltdown. Also? I WAS PISSED!Where the hell did he get off telling someone who already thought “everything was wrong with them”, that this, too, was “wrong with them”. Umm, no thanks, Doc. I think I’ll pass!
It all seemed so dark and twisted that I couldn’t handle it. So, I did the only thing I could and let that “label” go in one ear and out my ass with many of the other spot on things he’d tried to tell me about myself. But hey, that’s a different story for another day.
The second time I took it was at my ‘lil trip to The Meadows. Said visit was the good Dr. Steven’s idea, not mine, and perhaps the best “worst thing that ever happened to me”. Again, I’ve digressed. Which then leads me to the third and last time I took it while still at The Meadows, because after taking it the second time, I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT again!
What the HELL is wrong with these people? What the HELL is wrong with this test? Where in actual HELL did this dumbass doctor send me? I don’t WANT to be a freak of nature! I don’t WANT to be “the odd one”!
So, I asked if I could take it one more time. Winner, winner, chicken dinner! The third time actually was the charm, and yes, I’m an actual weirdo! It took me a long time to finally come to terms with all my “labels and diagnoses”, and I fought against every one of them tooth and nail. Meanwhile …
Today, I embrace my rarity by focusing only on the positive characteristics of being an INFJ. I’m “highly creative, artistic, idealistic, focused on the future, value close, deep relationships, and enjoy thinking about life”.
Are theresome dark and twisted traits with this? YUP! I can be overly sensitive and difficult to get to know. YUP! I do have very high expectations … and I’m stubborn … and I hate confrontation. But every one of those weaknesses are also part of my strength. So, now I spin it this way:
Hi everyone, it’s me, Cat! While I can indeed be overly sensitive, at least I’m in touch with my feelings and allow myself to have them. I suppose I am rather difficult to get to know, because, yes, I do have WICKED high expectations, but umm, have ya met me? I’m a queen, and not only can queens not be friends with everyone, why would they want to anyway? So, with that, congratu-fucking-lations to anyone who’s had the privilege of knowing me, and even more so to the few who ever will. My uber-selective inner sanctum is one of THE best places to “get” to be. At the end of the day, although the light from my halo is loving, warm and endearing, it will burn your fucking eyes out if you’re not strong enough to stand near it. Please ONLY bring your A-game … I’ll settle for NOTHING less … I’ll see right through your bullshit AND throw it back in your face, ’cause (PS) not only am I not afraid to be alone, I rather much enjoy it. To know me is to love me, but ONLY if you’re lucky!
Yes, I AM one of God’s own high powered prototypes, and I wouldn’t have me any other way. If I have to regret anything from my past (and trust me, I don’t regret much), it’s that I spent so many years being ashamed of all my “labels” (the good, the bad, AND the ugly). These days? They’re my favorite tattoos of all … cryptic, elusive, and invisible! YOU can’t see them, but trust me, THEY’RE THERE, and only the BEST of the BEST people this life has to offer me will ever get to!
I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but when my husband found out about my freaked up personality, he always said it made me unique and special:
You’re MY beautiful disaster, honey, and I wouldn’t have you any other way!
He knew I was “this” before we got married, yet made me a Williamson anyway! Jean Claude Van DAMN I always knew that guy was a genius. (And yes, he really was, BOTH verifiably AND metaphorically!)
FREAK OF THE WORLD
Don’t want the Sun to shine upon my face. And I see your eyes and their glazy haze. Your lips don’t move but I hear what you’re sayin’. I look outside through the razor blades. And I crawl and I scrape and I feel for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world. I’m a freak! Freak of the world. Stars are shining oh so bright, but I don’t think everything’s alright. And I can’t wake up ’cause I dream all night. Yeah you’re in my way and I can’t get by. And I beg and I cheat and I steal for you, but there’s nothing, there’s nothing that I can do. I’m a freak – I’m the freak of the world!
… that moment you get the call you’ve been waiting on for years, when the boy whose had your heart unconditionally since the day he drew his first breathe finally found the courage to quietly tap out in NOT so many words by speaking this poignant message through his actions …
NOPE! I don’t think so! This time it’s ME washing my hands of YOU!
… then got up and walked away from the one person in this world he trusted the most (yet also abused, tortured, and manipulated him the most)when he tried serving up that one last daily pile of BULLSHIT for him to choke on. This day has been such a long time coming! Now, let’s just hope that it sticks. I have never prayed so much or so hard on my hands and actual knees as I have this afternoon.
And, with that, today is the day my son begins his escape from prison. Granted, his liberation will likely be a long and rocky road in the process, as is the case with anyone who’s ever had to perform the delicate surgery of excising a malignancy from their own family. PLEASE, God, will you give him the strength to finally fly “from the inside” as far away from this God-forsaken cycle as possible – JUST LIKE I DID– and burn the fucking Venom suit that’s been literally choking the life out of him once and for all. Even so, I’ll continue to pray that all these promises broken deep below don’t ever get permanently lost in the echo.
LOST IN THE ECHO
You were that foundation – never gonna be another one, no. I followed, so taken. So conditioned I could never let go. Then sorrow, then sickness. Then the shock when you flipped it on me. So hollow, so vicious. So afraid I couldn’t let myself see that I could never be held. Back up, no, I’ll hold myself. Check the rep, yep you know my rail. Forget the rest, let them know my hell. Damn, I’m back yep, my soul ain’t sell. Kept respect up the vets stay their. Let the rest be to tell they tale that I was there saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go”. Test my will, test my heart. Let me tell you how the odds gonna stack up. Y’all I go hard, I go smart. How’s it working out for y’all in the back, huh? I’ve seen that frustration. Been crossed and lost and told no. And I’ve come back unshaken. Let down and lived and let go. So, you can let it be known – I don’t hold back, I hold my own. I can’t be mapped. I can’t be cloned. I can’t C-flat – it ain’t my tone. I can’t fall back, I came too far. Hold myself up and love my scars. Let the bells ring wherever they are, ’cause I was there saying …”and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo. So, one last lie I can see through. This time I finally let you go, go, go.” No, you can tell ’em all now – I don’t back up. I don’t back down. I don’t fold up, and I don’t bow. I don’t roll over – don’t know how. I don’t care where the enemies are. Can’t be stopped, all I know go hard! Won’t forget how I got this far. For every time, saying … “and these promises broken deep below. Each word gets lost in the echo”. {Linkin’ Park}
This memory popped up on my Facebook today, and it’s actually one of my favorite pictures of her. As per the Nikita Gill quote above, yes, she is “that kind of person”. To know her is to adore her, but not many people do or ever will. She’s her mother’s daughter in this regard, and although it may seem that I’m putting everything about myself into the Cosmos via this Diary, the truth is that likewise will anyone ever really know me. My kids and I have all had to learn the very hard way that where life, love, friendships and even family are concerned, it truly is quality over quantity”.
Be the kind of person who isn’t afraid to ask someone if they are okay twice if they say they are, but look like they aren’t. The kind of person who smiles at people even if they don’t smile back. The kind of person you wished for when no one was there for you. Be the kind of person who is brave enough to stand alone in a crowd for what is right. Be that person because we need more people like that in the world. Be that person because people like that are rarer than the rarest diamonds and gold.
Just as every other beautiful thing in my life, our relationship is a somewhat of an oxymoron. In many ways, we are polar opposites, while others she’s my doppelgänger. She’s one of my only heroes.
I would most likely be dead right now be it not for her. All it took was a singular moment at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over three years old, when I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate but not really eating it because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day everything I’d ever known to be real in my farce of fairy tale life came to a screeching halt as my heart literally shattered in the most powerful and poignant way and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of a darkness I couldn’t even conceptualize and into this “divine punctuation“. It was she who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all – ME. She is one of my few muses and “whys“.
If it is true, as the father of the Mona Lisa once said, that “wisdom is the daughter of experience”, then surely my daughter is the living embodiment of all the wisdom my own experiences have earned me. Yes, I believe with every single shred of my being that I truly am God’s favorite daughter, but even more so is she His most favorite daughter of all and the water that flows from our cup.
With that, and since music is such an integral part of my mental wealth, there is a song for just about every chapter in this Diary. There are certain songs, however, that have been so powerful to me that they’ve shown up here more than once. “Miracle” is one of them. It says everything that I feel about her in such a powerful way, just as it did my fallen king. The two of them were so much alike and shared so many of the same demons that it really isn’t any wonder that this one is applicable to them both. How lucky am I to have had as many miracles as I’ve had in my treasure trove of earthly gifts? She blesses me beyond words, and truth being told, if I ever decide to grow up, I hope I can be just like her!
MIRACLE
Say it once. Tell me twice. Are you certain I’m alright? Just a sign to remind me tomorrow’s worth the fight. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. So, make a wish and say: Give me life. Give me love. Star lit angel from above. Not so low. Not so high. Keep it perfectly disguised. Ever changing – the story line that keeps me alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile right before my eyes. Take another look. Take a look around. It’s you and me, it’s here and now. As you sparkle in the sky, I’ll catch you while I can ’cause all we are is all I am. I just want you to see what I’ve always believed … You are the miracle in me. Show me faith like you do. I’m amazed at how you move. Side to side, front to back – you know how to make it last. Ever changing – the story line that keeps us alive. My Mona Lisa’s making me smile. {Shinedown}
… ’cause, umm, doesn’t EVERYONE talk to ghosts in their bathroom?
So, here’s the deal folks. The TV volume goes up and down while the remote is on the table. We walk through certain spaces and feel a cold breeze blow through us, then get the chills. Next thing you know, the dog is doing a little happy dance and sniffing around at “something” he can see but we can’t … JUST LIKE HE USED TO WHEN DADDY CAME HOME! Then, on the night of Gia’s homecoming last October, while she was sitting at the vanity in my bathroom getting all glammed up for her big night out, I spoke these words out loud:
What do you think Dad? Doesn’t our daughter look GORGEOUS?
The lights started going CRAZY! So, she asked a series of very specific questions, starting with this one:
Is that you, Dad? Blink once for yes – twice for no.
“The Ghost” Of Williamson Manor answered every time, right on cue. Keep in mind that the first time this “light thing” ever happened, I had just finished getting dolled up for a girls night out. As I was looking in the mirror I said:
Well, honey, I’m heading out for the night! How do I look?
… at which point the lights flickered THREE times: “I – LOVE – YOU!!” It was our “three squeeze thing”. Sounds crazy, right? Maybe it is. It doesn’t really matter to either of us what anyone thinks at this point. The hardcore fact is that whatever this “thing” is that’s happening in our home, IT’S NOT OUR IMAGINATION!At first we tried reasoning it down to some sort of electrical problem, but then an electrician came out and could find no mechanical reason why the circuit that runs to those lights keeps blowing. At the end of the day, it just is what it is, and we don’t hate it! So, what do “BOO” think about this, err, “ghostly” situation?
GHOST
Thought it was dead and buried, then it woke you up last night. Sought it so damn worried – you’ve been tossin’ turnin’, both ends burnin’. I want to put your mind at ease again. Make everything alright. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now – don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams. Wait. There’s no rhyme or reason. Sometimes there’s no meaning in the visions when you’re sleeping. Don’t wake up and believe that you’re looking at the ghost of me. Your imagination and emotion’s running wild. Fueling my frustration, like a fire burning. Clock is turning. I know it’s getting underneath your skin. I try to tell you now. Don’t look over your shoulder, ’cause that’s just the ghost of me you’re seeing in your dreams … {Daughtry}
Herd mentality, mob mentality or pack mentality describes how people can be influenced by their peers to adopt certain behaviors on a largely emotional, rather than rational, basis. When individuals are affected by mob mentality, they may make different decisions than they would have individually.
Didja catch that, people? On a “rather than rational basis”! It takes strength, courage, and intelligence to run against or apart from a herd of weak pack animals that are wholly unable to think for themselves and live outside their own ignorance, oblivion, and conformity. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Not only are sheep cute, fluffy, super sweet, and valuable, there’s a reason they’re at the bottom of the food chain. They’re not exactly the brightest bulbs in the circuit board of life, and Darwin freakin’ nailed it when he called it “survival of the fittest”.
Today we live. Today we breathe. Today we know that we are strong when we are weak. Today we trust. We overcome. Take every chain that kept us slaves and throw em’ off. We’re not waiting for permission. We defy our inhibition like our middle name is “fearless”. Unafraid. If we’re gonna fly, we fly like eagles – arms out wide! If we’re gonna fear, we fear no evil. We will rise by Your power we will go. By Your spirit we are bold! If we’re gonna stand, we stand as giants. If we’re gonna walk, we walk as lions. WE WALK AS LIONS! Today is ours, it’s always been. Before we face the fight, we know Who’s gonna win! We live by faith and not by sight. We don’t want safe and quiet. We don’t wanna run and hide. This is not an intermission. It’s our time, not gonna miss it. You’ve already called us fearless. Unafraid. Everywhere we go, the battle has been won. We know You’ve gone before us. So, we’re taking hold of faith with every step we take. We know we’ll rise victorious!
… ’cause this one’s gonna BEE long! Some days I awaken with a complete loss of words, but then the Cosmos wraps me in it’s exquisite cloak and shows me exactly what needs to be said. Like this morning, while having my coffee in “the chair” and scrolling through social media, when a friend of mine posted this:
Men, this really is what women want. Even if you cannot provide all of the finances that he speaks about. Thank you Earnest Fenton …
“HOW I DATED, PLANNED, AND MARRIED MY WIFE”
DATED (0-11 MONTHS): I showed up at her job with lunch; I dropped her off at work when it was snowing; I cleared my space early on and gave her my undivided attention; I found out what interested her …
ENGAGEMENT (1 YEAR): I paid off all of her personal debt (before we were married). I didn’t want money to be of concern to her; I told her how much money I had; I told her how much money I make; I created a trust for both of us; I put some “carats” on her finger that represents what she represents to me …
MARRIAGE (1.5 YEARS LATER): I setup a multiple six figure life insurance policies (if something untimely happens to me, money WILL NOT be her issue); I took her to several countries – because: If she is “my world”, I should show her “the world”! I work our plan daily -t o retire her 5-10 years EARLY! I make certain her car is serviced, cleaned and gassed up; When she joins a challenge, I often join w her (if she is getting more fit, WE getting more fit); I empty garbage, scratch her back; rub her feet and run bath water, if needed; I do not cook, but I told her, “You will always eat with me”; I work hard every day and walk through the door like nothing happened; When my wife calls, I ANSWER; We have housecleaning (she can phone whenever she pleases) and a cook for every holiday (because my wife works and I don’t want her tired); She never has to guess where I am – I’m consistent and transparent; I keep a petty cash drawer stocked so she’ll always have cash available; If my wife looks like she’s uncomfortable with you, you are gone (I gotta get rid of ya! Lol, but not).
MY PHILOSPHY AND MORAL:
A man will never reach his fullest potential without the presence of a GOOD WOMAN! To short her is to short self! To deny her is to deny self! WE DO NOT PLAY SMALL, WE ARE ALL IN!
♥️ ♥️ ♥️
Umm, I have no idea who this “Ernest” guy is, but as I was reading his words, Igot butterflies and the biggest smile. He was literally writing the story of us, “The Frog & The Butterfly“. “This man” was Zack. There wasn’t a thing on his list my husband didn’t do, become, or make happen for me, and that, my friends, is the truth. But then something else happened. Listen to a few of these what in the actual FUCK comments on her post …
A lot of this makes me uncomfortable. He is too focused on money. Sounds like he was hovering and controlling. Maybe in real life it is all good, but reading this sounds like he was trying to buy her feelings.
Not sure this sounds like an equal partnership. Sounds like a control freak to me.
Very sad. That’s not love, that’s predominantly a business arrangement.
I have to agree with you… it looks like everything is HIS responsibility… and what about her? What’s her responsibility on the relationship?
Umm, REALLY? So, let me break this down for you by speaking in “Five Agreements”:
If you’ve heard anything about Zack in this Diary, it’s that ZERO was his focus on money and ZERO did he attempt to buy my feelings. His focus was on being the best man he could be from the literally the minute he said I love you way back at the beginning of this story when he was just a broke ass frog with big dreams. His focus was me and my daughter, who for the record, he took FULL responsibility for from day one bringing us home to that tiny apartment the morning after we got hitched in a theatre room with only two silver bands and no “carats”. Yet, in the eleven short but powerful years of our season, he managed to check off every single item on that list, such that even in his untimely death, the only jobs I will ever have to do are continue healing, take care of our daughter, and savor every day to the fullest. That is what he wanted, and that is what he’ll have. You see, my husband died a king, broken though he was, and make no mistake, regardless his accomplishments and what “things” he left behind, he was a king right from the start. Especially that night he carried my broken body, mind, and heart over the threshold of his humble home. There was no guarantee for all the promises he made, but he ALWAYS DID HIS BEST, because …
… he unconditionally loved me, as did I love him, and that’s how we became king and queen. He was not a control freak, and we were never a “business arrangement”! Lol, the only dowry he got from my family (who all but forbade me to marry him because he was BROKE) was $32k in debt, an unemployable wife who had just had a nervous breakdownand two kids. Truth being told, our partnership was anything but “equal”. WE SERVED EACH OTHER!My needs came before his, his needs came before mine, and thusthe exchange of power. We shared the yoke equally, but in vastly different ways. He did his work, I did mine.We built this kingdom together, and even despite the way he left, he was and will remain a king in his own right, and I the queen who reigns proudly in his honor.
With all that now being said so “impeccably” with my words, I can’t take any of those less than impeccable words so personally. What harsh, unmerited, and assumptive judgments of how another king has chosen to cherish his queen. I say “almost”, because I am still living this very dream as a true and loving testament to the reality of his words. But you see, a fool can’t know what they don’t know if they’ve never actually walked in these shoes.
They don’t know that all Zack ever wanted was to give us everything, not just “things”. They don’t know how thankful he was to finally have a home, no matter how big or small, because he knew too well not only what it was like not to have one, but even more so how it felt to be unvalued, disregarded, and left behind. He knew how it felt to lack a single person’s unwavering blind faith in him or belief that he wasn’t the “Zack of shit” they always said he was in the life he lived before us.
All of which leads me to this last but notleast “Fifth Agreement”. Of course, they’re skeptical, and of course they doubt. So much of what we hear is untrue. But these people don’t know my truth, and perhaps they never will. They don’t understand that the legacy of a great monarch is not all the treasure left behind in the trove, but “the crown and scepter they wielded in their soul” that lives on to light the paths of their kingdom infinitely.
So, instead of letting the nasty comments of truly ignorant people belittle and invalidate the integrity and intention of one of the best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known, instead I’ll just pray that someday they too will “know what I know”, because its honestly quite sad that they don’t. God doesn’t make anything but kings and queens to rule in this realm He created, so we should love others, and especially our spouses, just as He loves us – ALL IN!
Still, what are the chances that everyone will know the treasure of a spouse that loves like this? You can lead a fly to honey, but no matter how much a bee tries to tell the fly how sweet it is, most flies have only either seen, tasted or landed on death or piles of shit. Shit is what they like because shit is all they’ve known, so, shit indeed it is. Been there. Done that. It took me almost 40 years to understand how love is supposed to “bee”, that indeed it truly exists, and that unless and until you’ve finally tasted honey – SHIT IS WHAT YOU SURVIVE ON!Damn! How did this go from kings and queens to bees, flies and SHIT? Lol. Welcome to the mind of a genius! Love me or hate me, it is what it is. If you don’t like what I have to say, not only do I not really care, but it’s also none of my BEES-ness anyway.
… when you see this little dealio floating around on everyone’s social media and this is the first picture that comes to your mind …
Yes indeed, I really was “happy and content” every single moment of 2020. Happiness isn’t a state of mind, by the way, IT’S A CHOICE! Does that mean I never experience sadness, anger, or frustration? HELL NO! Of course I do! Just because I’m a Light in the frigging dark doesn’t mean I’m not human. But even at my saddest, maddest, or most “bent out of shapest”, I’m still always happy. Sounds kinda twisted, right? Sounds kinda like a big fat LIE, right? Well, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! I’mma Jean-Claude Van DAMN frigging Sun-stealing fool, my friends, ’cause …
I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you. Like, as in, from the deepest places of my infinitely grateful heart … THANK YOU! Thank you for these beautiful memories tucked safely in the most sacred places of my mind, the overwhelming magnitude of which eclipse even the darkest hours I’ve walked through here on Earth.
For instance, THANK YOUfor this epic rant from two years ago this day that’s now become one of my go-to picker uppers on those rare occasions I feel down. It makes me smile, AND remember, that I really WAS married to a KING and I truly AMthe luckiest woman on this Earth. To know him was to love him, and yes I still do and always will until I see him again with YOU!
Yes, THANK YOU! Thank you that he was ours, and only ever ours, and for the bittersweet consolation in knowing that the foolish “family” that threw him away missed out on knowing one of THE brightest souls in any room and one of THE best men, husbands and fathers this world has ever known. Her “Zack of shit” was one of our truest treasures, and yes I take extremely twisted pleasure in knowing full well that despite the lies they must surely tell themselves as they look inside their empty mirrors, only WE got the privilege and honor of truly knowing the wonder of everything that was “him”. Thank you for this equally epic memory from three years ago this day. You know, the one where I found that ever-loving blanket I snuck onto her bed folded neatly on my desk with this ‘lil nugget of sarcastic wit that could only be served by one of my favorite phoenixes of all:
Yes, indeed, I’m a truly blessed queen that I should have this abundance of treasure to propel me forward, never backward, and keep this torch I carry into Your eternity burning as bright as bright can be! I love my life. Every single minute of it – the good, the bad, and even the very ugly. With as much love and adoration as could possibly be put into words from Your favorite brat of all …
The Diary Of My Perfection 
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