… because SOME words are just MEANT to be strung together!
In these seemingly dark times, the world we live in makes it so easy to resist looking FAR beyond this place and selves for all the means and methods of mortal survival we could possibly know. What do we need God for? We can do everything on our own, right?
‘Twas a beautiful afternoon that found me happily amidst my “Saturday circle of errands”, when suddenly I spied something on the side of the road, which of course I had to circle back around to, because that’s just what I do …
Did you see them? Aren’t they beautiful? Meanwhile, if you listen closely, you can hear me saying …
God is so good … It’s these cosmic intersections with my Creation, and my Creator, and the Galaxy, and this planet we live on … that’s what keeps it real for me!
An hour later, I posted this on my Instagram with the following caption:
It seems that once again I’d quickly intercepted the message behind that moment:
How cool was it that I’d wrapped up that ‘lil juncture in my mind so fluidly, and even more so that I understood that moment to be far more than just “vultures doing vulture stuff“?
That being said …
Another hour later, I was watching the video before sending it to Gia, who of course was sure to be as fascinated by feathered friends as I was. That’s when I spotted THIS:
Umm, WOW!
A song I hadn’t heard since last I’d heard it “402 days ago”, found its way to my cue, thus releasing a bittersweet memory that had been buried underneath all the ashes that I had no idea I actually needed to remember …
It was the Saturday before he left, August 17, 2019. When he got home from work, we went for a bite and to see “Hobbs & Shaw”, which unbeknownst to me was our last date night ever. When we got home, there was a very special song I wanted him to hear, so we sat in the driveway and listened to it. Under the circumstances, and knowing what we both knew was happening in his mind, these words cut us deeply as we sat in the car holding hands in silent tears:
I will run alone tonight without you by my side. I guess you had a place you had to get to. I know your eyes. I know inside the walls you hide behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. It’s taking all my will just to run alone. When are you coming home? Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. One day the earth will open wide, and I’ll follow you inside, ’cause the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will send my rocket ship to find you. Because I know you’re lost when you run away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Taking all my will just to run alone, until I bring you home. Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And if the sun grows cold for you along the way. And if the stars don’t line to light the way. And when you fall away and crash back down below. I’ll search the skies for you, and I’ll follow. I’ll be in your afterglow, and I’ll bring you home. {Starset}
If only I’d known the irony in just how deeply “these words” were cutting us both, but from completely different places. There was a monster living in his mind that was eviscerating any and all traces of the man we once knew to be our rock … and he knew it! He was becoming darker as every passing second, and his inability to overcome it was steadily severing the very last chords that were tethering “the him he was” to this Earth. As I’ve shared before, his decision to put down the monster he’d been hiding behind the mask had already been made, only I didn’t know how close we were to the end. Knowing what I know now, I can’t help but wonder what he must have been thinking when he heard these words:
Even if the sky does fall. Even if they take it all. There’s no pain that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you. And when all the fires burn. When everything is overturning. There’s no thing that I won’t go through. Even if I have to die for you.
In the end? He did what he felt he had to do, as not only was he in excruciating “screaming inside his head” pain and turmoil, he didn’t want to hurt us anymore.
Now here I am, “Saturday, September 19, 2020”. What started out as two vultures on the side of the road, which then led me to remember that indeed I am a “strong, confident, badass bitch”, somehow also reminded me of that August night 402 days ago, that song, and that bittersweet “last”, all of which now led me to hear “these words” from a much-needed hindsight:
I must run alone tonight without you by my side. I know you had a place you had to get to. I knew your eyes. I knew inside the walls you hid behind, and I saw the truth inside the real you. Because I knew you were lost when you ran away into the same black holes and black mistakes. Now I’ll use my will just to run alone. You’re never coming home. Even though the sky did fall. Even if though they took it all. There’s no pain that He didn’t go through … you knew He had to die for you. And now that all the fires burned, and everything is overturned, there’s no more that you’ll have to go through … because He already died for you. One day the Earth it opened wide … I couldn’t follow you inside … and now the only hell I know is without you. Some day when galaxies collide, we’ll be lost on different skies. I will take my rocket ship to find you. And though the Sun grew cold for you along the way, and the stars didn’t line to light the way. And though you fell away and crashed back down below … I’ll search the skies for you … I’ll be in your afterglow until I get Home.
So, with that, I part with this: “On The 5th Day”, in a far away space and time, God said …
Let the waters swarm with swarms of living creatures, and let fowl fly above the Earth in the open firmament of Heaven.
As well on that day do I think He also said …
… and it’s these cosmic intersections with My Creation AND two magnificent vultures I shall create that she will need one day … not only to help her keep it real … but to help her keep on shining My Light.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever told you this before, but I’m God’s actual favorite daughter and a rising queen of the most magnanimous power and grace that there ever was or ever will be. I’m also absolutely NOTHING, which kinda makes me everything, and I’m the most blessed human woman that has ever walked this Earth.
People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within.
{Elisabeth Kübler-Ross}
…. when it’s 365 days later and your formerly “shattered heart” has healed in ways that are still yet to fathom, such that now, as you’re sifting through the “9 years of joy in his eyes”, you are simply and unspeakably THANKFUL!
I’m thankful for the honor of getting to be the ONLY two girls he ever gave his heart to, and that we were his first and last of EVERYTHING:
After realizing how I really felt about Gia as my child and realizing that no one in my life ever felt that for me it hit me that you were the first and only person in my life that ever truly loved me, chose me as THE top priority in their life and fought to help me get over myself but also fought to protect me from anything and everything harmful or defamatory including myself. Even though you didn’t do it for me you brought my daughter in to this world and promoted that relationship that I didn’t even know that I wanted and needed so bad until now. You made me a parent and it turned out that was the greatest thing that ever happened to me next to falling in love with you and your daughter. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for fostering my relationship with Gia and being there for me even when I was impossible to live with. I don’t deserve a lot of the things you have done and been for me and I will always owe you for everything.
This has been all but impossible to digest and nope, I will never turn a corner or look in any direction and not hear the sounds of their laughter, the traces of their smiles, or feel the bond that they shared in my atmosphere.
I’m here again, a thousand miles away from You. A broken mess – just scattered pieces of who I am. I tried so hard. Thought I could do this on my own. I’ve lost so much along the way. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole. I’ve come undone, but You make sense of who I am. Like puzzle pieces in Your eye. Then I’ll see Your face – I know I’m finally Yours. I find everything I thought I lost before. You call my name – I come to You in pieces so You can make me whole! I tried so hard! So hard! {Red}
It was a super early morning as we awoke to a 4:30am alarm for a 5:00am departure to her 5:30am practice. While Gia was getting ready, I popped on to Instagram to find the picture above which literally hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, just before waking, I’d been enjoying a blissfully enchanted slumber, during which my husband had conveyed an message to me in the most surreal of ways.
It washim. I just know it! I could smell his skin, sense his touch, and feel his breathe on my face. While I won’t go into detail, because believe it or not there are many things I’ll keep safe inside the most private places of my heart, in this fantasy he had been shadowing me as I moved from one house to another.
He was there … but he wasn’t. I could see him … but I couldn’t. Yet, at every turn I’d made that day, his presence was lingering behind me in a haunting but not frightening way. At the end, what had ’til then only been an eclipse of his presence, turned into his physical body. There we both stood tightly embraced with our hands locked together when I asked this most profound question:
I know where you are … I believe it in my heart … but I just NEED to hear you say it. Am I right? Are you There now? WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN SOMEDAY?
I didn’t hear his voice, as he never spoke a word, but, indeed, he communicated in the sacred “1-2-3 hand squeeze” we’d shared during our season. His answer to my question was emphatic: “One squeeze for yes”, not “two squeezes for no”, right on cue to my prompt.
As this first year without him has all but flown by, I’ve made absolute peace with his suicide. The heartbreaking pain of his manytragic truths was so far beyond sobering that it still reduces me to tears to sit with. Unless or until you’ve born the cross of seeing a person dying out loud in the egregious way that he did, you couldn’t possibly understand the magnitude of relief I felt upon the release of his mortal shackles. He had held on for dear life as long as he possibly could until the day he died, but when the end of his darkness finally settled in, Fate stepped in with the blow.
Still, let’s go back to how this morning with Gia even started. We’d backed out of the garage to find ourselves greeted by a bright orange moon on fire and ethereal setting in the field that abuts our driveway. We were in such connected tangent that it was alarming, but also comforting. The intrinsic conversation that soon availed tapped directly into our understandings of “all of this”, yet far beyond our simply dimensioned minds have yet to fathom. She knows what I know, and I know what she knows, which is ALL either of us needs to know. It’s so powerful.
Keep in mind that the first song that cued up when the engine started today was “Remember Everything“. That had to have meant something … I just knew it! Sufficed to say, though, that neither of us can listen to it now without being reminded of everything we remember about not just our lives, but Zack’s and Christian’s as well. But here’s where it gets even more interesting. After I’d dropped her off and was headed home, that other song I love to hate found it’s way to my speakers:
The Tragic Truth.
IT DIDN’T MAKE ME CRY THIS TIME! Instead, I just smiled as I rolled on down the road with my gaze fixed hard into the sky from which I heard his voice serenading me with those tragically truthful words:
It’s the demons I’ve created for myself … the Tragic Truth … it’s hard for me to understand myself, so it has to be hard as hell for you.
All I can tell you is that my intersection with the Cosmos this morning was everything! Even as I write this I’m smiling again, because while on the surface it may appear that the demons that devoured him won, nothing could be farther from the truth. The rare few of us who really knew him and were honored to both love and be loved by him, know a “truth” that is much more beautiful than tragic: HE’S HOME NOW! No more sorrow. No more pain. No more tears. No more aching for the “family” who abandoned the “Zack Of Shit”. No more voices screaming inside his head.
My “circadian life” is so much bigger than I will ever know, and my adventure still isn’t over. All it took was one cryptic message from The Cosmos to remind me, yet again, that I’m an incredibly blessed widow. In case I’ve never said this, let me say it now: I truly believe that I’m God’s favorite daughter, even despite the many circumstances in my life that seem to prove otherwise. For this, I am as eternally grateful as I am for the true and immense love I still feel that continually travels the distance from from light years away.
Yesterday morning, I woke up to another one of those music moments I’ve come to love and cherish when my son communicates what he’s feeling by texting me a song. As I’ve said, his music messages are one of my greatest treasures, and ironically, Zack would often do the very same thing, which of course I treasured as well. Sufficed to say, today my own eyes are open wide and I’m beyond thankful that my beautiful king finally found the peace he could never find:
But as they laid him in the ground, her heart would sing with out a sound. For the first time you can open your eyes and see the world without your sorrow when no one knows the pain you left behind and all the peace you could never find that’s waiting there to hold and keep you. Welcome to the first day of your life. Just open up your eyes.
I just know it. God had His hand on my husband’s heart at all times, even while he was roaming this Earth as the motherless and forsaken “trashcan boy” he always saw when he looked in the mirror. I am still the most blessed woman I have ever known to have roamed this Earth as well. How is that even possible? It’s because God has had His hand on my heart at all times as well during my greatest triumphs and joys and my darkest tragedies and traumas.
When Jesus heard this, He told them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor – sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners.”
{MARK 2:17}
I once heard it said that the things that break your heart are the same things that open your eyes. So, here’s to making it a really epic day my friends and hanging on to your faith! Remember, “this is our temporary home“, nothing more, nothing less. As for Mr? The very best part of all of this is still yet to come, and this pain has been a gift.
… who’s famously spent his journey covered in engine grease and smelling like gasoline, even at his extra “bougie college“.
… who’s been chastised and mocked for the foolish wastes of time, money, and obsessive effort he’s spent making a dream come true.
… who called me all but SCREAMING and on the verge of tears late last night:
MOMMA! I did it! I totally fucking did it! She pulled 592.5 at 6500rpm!
That “moron” just made me a very proud “grease monkey GRANDMA”! He found a forged, 4-bolt, 385 cubic inch, 1955 design, ’87 small block Chevy engine at a pick and pull four years ago, and has been HELL BENT on turning it in to a stroker that would pull at least 500hp. Up until now, he’d only ever come close to that twice at 450hp.
I know that none of this either means much or makes sense to most people, and honestly, it doesn’t even make sense to me. Just know that “trash to treasuring” a thirty-plus year old cast away engine into a naturally aspirated 600hp masterpiece is a pretty big fucking deal! Even the owner of the speed shop where they had it on a dyno couldn’t believe his eyes. But, alas, there was this bittersweet moment:
Momma, Zack would have been so proud of me. He knew I could do it and told me I could! He believed in me. Only you and him EVER really believed in me!
Nope! I’m not crying as I’m writing this, lol. Now, if you believe that, it might be YOU that’s a moron. (Just kidding!) Right now I’m an actual blubbering mess of the proudest tears a new grandmother could possibly cry, because they don’t know what I do. After a lifetime of trying to rise above the same shrapnel and less than impeccable words that almost buried us both, all I could think of was THESE most powerful and vindicating words:
They can break him down if it makes them feel right … and hate him now if it keeps them alright. They can break him down if it takes all their might, ’cause he’s SO much more that meets the eye!
People who take selfies are narcissistic and vain!
(The Former Mislead & Completely MISINFORMED “Not So REAL” Cat Williamson)
Yes, indeed, THOSE are the words I used to say about “selfies”! Upon further deliberation, however, I have since changed that narrative to something more like this:
Self-acceptance, self-LOVE, and SELF-appreciation are PERFECTLY okay in appropriate doses, if not a necessary evil, so, JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SELFIE!
If YOU don’t love you, 100% unconditionally, EVEN on your darkest of days, and value, see, and TREAT yourself as EPIC living masterpiece that you are, why would anyone else?
In honor of “National Selfie Day“, here’s a little gift in the form of wisdom for those of you who refuse to jump on board the train for fear of people thinking you’re a self-grandioso, conceited “WHOOPEE! LOOK AT ME!” bus just waiting to run them over with your ego …
If it’s true (and it is) that we should treat others as we wish to be treated, isn’t it about time that you finally reach for a place of self-love, acceptance, and healing in your journey? Not only are YOU the one who “gets” to spend the most time of all with YOU, the last time I checked, The Big does NOT make trash! If HEloves and adores you, SO SHOULD YOU!
Hi everyone, it’s, me, CAT! I am Fifty-ONE-Derful years old and fearfully and wonderfully made! So, please excuse the mess … I didn’t see it from behind. I caught a glimpse, but the reflection’s only mine.
With that, I want to challenge YOU to post a selfie very soon. It’s okay to love yourself, as long as you’re doing it from a humble place, always keepin’ it real, and being mindful that you’re “Nothing. Everything. ALL OF IT“!
Last night, while the unsuspecting world was either peacefully sleeping or wrestling with the Devil, something epic happened in the subculture I live in called “Knuckleheaddom”. It was the official video release of one, “A Little Bit Off”. Guess what people? I just woke up to Christmas in June and couldn’t be any more stoked!
PICTURE IT …
A seemingly “normalish“, 51yo woman sitting in bed singing along to a ridiculous music video, swaying back and forth and waving her fist in the air! (Lol. Yes, that really happened.) If you haven’t figured it out by now, much like the leader of this crazy Pride I’m in, I, too, am an oxymoron, and my Knucklehead card is one of my most powerful flexes. “The REAL Cat Williamson”: Loves people. Hates peopling. Loves Light. Hates dark. Loves love. Hates hate. Loves being broken. Loves being whole. Loves Jesus.
Jean-Claude Van DAMN there are many days that I just wake up feeling OFF. Guess what? THAT’S OKAY! I spent nearly an entire lifetime being ashamed of my “fuckin’ crazy” and even more so the train wreck I emerged from. That was then. This is now. THESE DAYS I FUCKING EMBRACE IT! Leave it to this gang of creatively genius, beautifully disastrous, oxymoronical MANIACS to help me figure out that not only is it okay for me to be a jacked up effing mess sometimes, it’s also okay for me to yell, scream, and holler it out loud any fucking time I want to! So, with that, make it a great day and here’s hoping YOU can embrace your “off days”, too!
I’ll try to keep this as short as possible, but can’t make any promises …
So, let me go back to the very first glimpse of the rabbit hole I almost fell into after an entire week of being chastised, reprimanded, scolded, and all but burned alive on a cross for voicing my opinions, feelings, views and support for the personal “bandwagon” I have jumped on amidst what I truly believe is Atlas Falling. Lol! Of all the punches I’ve taken this week, the worst was a comment by a now former friend who calls herself “a Christian”:
Wow, so glad to finally see you!
No, it wasn’t a compliment. She heard me say “I love oranges”, then took it upon herself to assume that I don’t also love apples and pears. Who the FUCK is she to judge me by picking only the lines that best suit her schooling of my beliefs?
Meanwhile, last night at 5:53pm, this:
… which then led to this at 8:00pm:
… which then led to this at 8:21PM:
… at which point I felt a little better and was able to fall asleep. But alas, that victory was short-lived, because THEN I woke up to this:
This “memory” couldn’t have come at a worse time, since I had just recovered from almost falling backwards less than eight hours prior.
It was Mother’s Day 2019 that was the beginning of his descent, but it was on June 5, 2014 after having had to stay home and take care of us for a while that truly began his unravelling. I’d been getting ready for bed, only to find him waiting in bed lost somewhere inside his own mind:
Baby? Is everything okay? Where were you just now?
I had to physically push him to get his attention. When he turned his head to look at me there were tears rolling down his face:
Catherine, I don’t think I ever realized ‘what I never had’ growing up until now. What she never gave me. What she never did for me, but she DID do for all of them. Going through all of this with you has been a blessing and a curse. She threw me away. They all did. Every one of them. It’s as though I just don’t exist. I wasn’t good enough for her. For them. They never wanted me. I’m nothing.
Meanwhile, there I was laying in bed this morning and unable to face the empty spot beside me, so, I turned the other way to avoid looking in that direction. I became fixated on the wall where the light seeping through the blinds that shroud the windows was trying desperately to reach me. I was all but paralyzed, and too numb to even cry, until I picked up my phone and saw this:
… which THEN led to this at 10:54am:
… and thus, my profound conclusion:
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!
I’m STILL a fortress. I’m still a queen. I’m still the strongest bitch I’ve ever known, with the greatest King of all Who has never failed me. As par for the course, He’s already got this whole thing figured out for all of us. If I so much as think about letting this fortress I’ve become crumble, He bombards me with signs and love notes from His heart and reminds me that I’m never gonna be alone. This morning, He answered my cry with the most beautiful Molotov cocktail I’ve ever seen through a picture and the words of a stranger:
You fukin’ go kick ass today!!!!
So, with that, “I’m going back in” with everything He’s given me for the battlefield, not the least of which is the Cosmic validation I needed in the words of total strangers. Everything IS gonna be okay!
HEAVEN HELP ME
When I can’t find the words. When I can barely breathe. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. When I can’t feel You near, and I can’t hear You speak. I’m falling on my knees. Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. When I don’t understand. When I don’t think I can. I know You have a plan, so Heaven help me. Heaven help me. Help me. Help me. ‘Cause I can’t walk this road alone, and I can’t do this on my own. Tell me. Tell me. ‘Cause I just need to hear You say that everything will be okay. Help me believe it. When I can’t see it. Help me to know it. When I can’t hold it … {Zach Williams}
Please, God, let it be me! Let me be the one to have absorbed the last drops of poison that seeps within the rotting roots of our sick and dying tree so that the branches of my children and theirs will reach up to touch the Sun instead of digging down into hell.
Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared ‘neath the stars above, for a moment, all the world was right. How could I have known that you’d ever say goodbye? And now I’m glad I didn’t know the way it all would end – the way it all would go. Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance. Holding you, I held everything. For a moment, wasn’t I a king? But if I’d only known how the king would fall? Hey who’s to say? You know I might have changed it all. {Garth Brooks}
I’d been out running errands and was approaching the house in which I dwelled that was certainly not a home when it found its way to my cue. From that first, solemn chord, the forlorn guitar began cutting me like a knife as I pulled into the garage. There I sat frozen in my car, compelled to just sit and listen as the words began. Then, out of nowhere, a barrage of tears washed over me, literally and metaphorically. I was so numb and paralyzed in the moment that I couldn’t even wipe my eyes. I could neither breathe nor feel my fingertips as the music began manifesting a visceral aching inside my heart.
When it was over, I just sat there trying to gather myself before walking back inside the lie that had become my life. Before I knew it, my son appeared in the doorway holding his sister in his arms. They greeted me with their waves and smiles completely oblivious to the sobering reality that I was secretly dying.
That night, after everyone was asleep, I sat down at my computer to write a letter to God in this “Diary Of My Perfection”, which was then merely an outlet for my very private hell. The words to the song said everything that needed to be said at that moment, and thus my entry, “APRIL 21, 2008: I’m A Gift. I’m A curse.“
Here I am, fifteen years to the day that one of the most beautiful “gifts” I never knew I needed became a part of the tapestry of my beautiful life. It took a lot of blind faith, time, accountability, honesty, self-discovery, and patience, forgiveness and gracefor and with myself to be sitting in this chair writing this. Not a second goes by that I don’t remember how damn lucky I am to simply be alive.
When I listen to it now, my emotions are a paradox, as on one hand I can smile as I look back and realize how far I’ve come, but on the other, I am sadly reminded of a night just weeks before he left that my beautiful husband also listened to this song while we were driving home from “somewhere” and silent tears began falling from his eyes. It rips my fucking heart out when I think of how helpless and hopeless it felt to watch him dying right in front of me and even more so that he was never able to see what a gift to this world he truly was.
If I had one wish for anyone reading this and struggling to find “The Gift”, it’s that that they listen to this song in a very quiet place and really sit with all the chords and words as you let them break you down. The answer is inside you, I promise that it is, so, challenge yourself to find it. Your weakness is your strength. Being broken makes you whole. The pain that you feel IS the gift! Do the work, take your time, cry out to Jesus, and find your way back to the place your soul belongs: WITH YOU!
It’s okay to feel sadness and grief for the things that have died inside of you, and it’s definitely okay to cry. Now that I think of it, it’s a blessing that one of my favorite verses in the Bible also happens to be the shortest:
CRY AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED TO! Get mad! Scream out loud! Do what you must to let yourself feel everything that has hurt you so you can finally let it go! Then, someday when it’s time for you to sit back and marvel at what you’ve survived, listen to it again. Maybe, like me, you’ll find that ONLY these words remain:
… now I feel relief … I’ll hold on … I do belong here and I’m well … I’m living right … I can face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror … I let it go … I have something more to say for me …I believe in me … I defy … now I feel complete … like I matter to The One I need … now I’m THIS … I’M THE GIFT!
THE GIFT
Hold me now,I need to feel relief. Like I never wanted anything. I suppose I’ll let this goandfind a reason I’ll hold on to. I’m so ashamed of defeat. And I’m out of reasontobelieve in me. I’m out of trying to get by. I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong here and I’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. I can’t face myself when I wake up and look inside a mirror. I’m so ashamed of that thing. I suppose I’ll let it go ’tilI have something more to say for me. I’m so afraid of defeat. And I’m out of reason to believe in me. I’m out of trying to defy. I’m so afraid of The GiftYou give me. Idon’t belong hereand I’mnot well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Hold me now, I need to feel complete. Like I matter to The One I need. I’m so afraid of The Gift You give me. I don’t belong hereandI’m not well. I’m so ashamed of the lie I’m living right on the wrong side of it all. Now I’m ashamed of this. {Seether}
This is Ivan. He’s the lead MANIAC for the band of my life, Five Finger Death Punch! Ivan isn’t your run of the mill guy, and to some he may seem kinda scary. Covered in tattoos as he serenades the world from the darkest depths of his being, he’s the living embodiment of alchemy, and one of my very few heroes! He level’s up his “Phoenix” to an entirely different vibration if you can just look past the scars on his bleeding soul. “What you see is what you get.” Nope! Not with Ivan! He’s a completely open book and a total mystery, as on one hand he seems to be telling us everything about himself, while on the other no one really knows him. That’s how I feel about myself by the way, but where in the HELL was I going with this? Oh, yes, I remember … it seems I’ve been “shooken” by a ghost yet again!
Earlier this week he posted a clip of himself “TikTok-ing” with his daughter which immediately cut my heart in a brand-new place that I never knew needed to be cut. It was one of the sweetest things I think I’ve ever seen, while also one of the saddest. You see, I am a daughter who cannot help but wonder, “What could have been if my larger-than-life father had danced with me in the living room”?
So, here’s the thing, people: He’s probably worth a gazillion bucks and has a cult-like following worldwide. But when the lights go down at his final show, what do you think that beautiful little girl of his will tell her about her daddy? “Grandpa Ivan was a rock and roll star” or “Grandpa Ivan danced with me”? I’m betting it’s gonna be the latter.
This, my friends, is what us “knuckleheads” call “The Brighter Side Of Grey“, and I’m here to tell you it’s EVERYTHING! Despite the mottled undertones here about the struggles with my own father, I very much want to end this entry with a “brighter side of grey” that I’ve found …
My daughter had two dads to take her to the castle, which I find rather amazing. While her “step dad” escorted her to most of them, her real dad escorted her to a couple as well. Neither of them was perfect, and both of them hurt her in complicated yet delicate ways, but at the end of the day I just know in my heart that she’ll treasure those dancing days forever! She’s an incredibly lucky girl, but I’m an even luckier mom, so beyond thankful for both of the princes who danced with their Cinderella!
Some days I wake up with endless words to say, while others find me trapped in the silence that often accompanies my waves. Like this morning, for instance. She sent me this selfie she snapped while she was at her Dad’s playing in her make-up bag last night. When I saw it it took my breath away! How is that after all the mistakes I’ve made and the wrongs I could never make right that, she is this?
She is everything a mother could pray for her living legacy to be, and this world I’m lucky enough to live in with her is so much better with her in it. There aren’t that many people that know the magnitude of what she’s been through, but those who do find it no surprise that she IS her mother’s daughter. Please also let me include my very handsome first born in this regard, because well, he, too, is one of the strongest survivors I’ve ever known. Damn, just look at this people! I’VE MADE TWO MASTERPIECES!
So, with that, I’ll let these two pictures speak the volume of words I can’t possibly begin to quantify, with the exception of these words, because in this very moment, they’re exactly what I need to say to my son and daughter …
YOU’RE GONNA BE
Six pounds and nine ounces lookin’ up at me like I have all the answers. I hope I have the ones you need. I’ve never really done this. Now I know what scared is. Sometimes I’ll protect you from everything that’s wrong. Other times I’ll let you just find out on your own. But that’s when you’ll be growin’, and the whole time I’ll be knowin’ …
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be.
I’m afraid you’ll have to suffer through some of my mistakes. Lord knows I’ll be trying, oh to give you what it takes. What it takes to know the difference between getting by and livin’. ‘Cause anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. Just know you’ll have to live with all the choices that you make. So, make sure you’re always givin’ way more than you’re takin’.
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. You’re gonna cry but know that that’s okay. Sometimes life’s not fair, but if you just hang in there? You’re gonna see that sometimes bad is good. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … someone’s everything. You’re gonna see just what you are to me.
You’re gonna fly with every dream you chase. We just have to believe things work out like they should. Life has no guarantees … but always loved by me … you’re gonna be … always loved by me.
If you could sit on this bench and talk to anyone for one hour, who would it be and what would you say?
I saw a post very similar to this on a social media feed earlier last week and it struck a chord in me so loud that my answer was instantaneous.I would sit down with “younger me” and THIS is what I’d say:
Hey there young lady, it’s so nice to meet you! You don’t know me, and I don’t mean to scare you, but let me assure you that one day we WILL meet again. For reasons I can’t explain, and may sound a little insane, I already know a heck of lot about you. Right now, you’re feeling scared. You’re feeling lost, abandoned, and alone. You’ve been betrayed by people you thought you could trust, and your glass heart has been shattered into pieces. You think no one can hear or see you, and when you face yourself in the mirror each day you see nothing looking back but an abyss. Worst of all, you can’t see her yet, but there’s a dragon circling above you like a carcass. She’s gonna hold you for ransom inside her solitary cave, but YOU are going to slay her!
There’s a long, dark road that’s coming up ahead and some of the places it’s taking you are gonna suck. But listen to me, and listen good: Don’t you DARE change a thing that you’re about to do or even ONE of the decisions you’re gonna make! Life’s gonna burn the wings off your back that you don’t even know you have yet and some people who claim to love you are gonna leave you on the ground while you’re choking on their dust. But alas, your wings are eventually gonna heal and take you so high above the ashes you almost die in that even YOU won’t know how to stop them. Through it all, you’ll become a queen, a Light in peoples’ darkness, and a legacy your kids will be proud of. So, buckle up sister and hang on for dear life … I’ll be waiting for you on The Brighter Side Of Grey. In the meantime, there’s a song you haven’t heard yet because it hasn’t even been made, but let me put “us” in some words you’re gonna love as you STAND and sing it to the world …
You felt like a candle in a hurricane. Just like a picture with a broken frame. Alone and helpless like you’d lost your fight, but you were alright! You were alright! ‘Cause when push came to shove you tasted what you were made of. You almost bent ’til you broke ’cause it was all you could take. On your knees you looked up, decided you’d had enough. You got mad, you got strong, wiped your hands, shook it off – THEN YOU STOOD! Our life’s like a novel with the end ripped out. The edge of a canyon with only one way down. We’ll take what we’re given before it’s gone. We start holding on. We keep holding on. Every time we get up and got back in the race one more small piece of us just keepings falling into place … ‘CAUSE WE STAND!{Rascal Flatts}
Just for the record, there’s around seventeen eff-bombs in this salt-encrusted message from me, “the NICEST bitch you’ll ever fucking know”, to “WHOM IT MAY CONCERN”! Sorry, not sorry. This is me … take me or leave me … ’cause I don’t really care … and by the way, don’t EVER fucking touch me unless I tell you to.
Oh, and for the record, my name is CAT, not “Hey, Sexy!”, you Jean-Claude Van DAMN fucking douche nozzles who think it’s okay to speak to a QUEEN like she’s some kind of fucking thirst trap skeezer. Okay, that’s all. Now, go grab yourself some fucking Lucky Charms and have a really nice fuckin’ day!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when all of a sudden it just hits them in the face, “WOW, this is how I’m doing.” A few nights ago, this little 3am “quarantine conversation” happened with my beautiful, SPARTAN daughter, and indeed I was punched in the face with the reality that something I’m doing is RIGHT, and indeed my “legacy” is an enigma! Every mother’s child has that one special gift, but this child’s mother is in awe, and by the way: I MADE HER!
We can’t just tell them what they’re wings are made for then sit back and “hope for the best”. We have to actually show them! And if, like me, as an imperfect parent you somehow manage to break their wings while they’re learning how to fly? ACCOUNT to yourself, AND to them, APOLOGIZE for letting them down, then pick yourself up and try again … TOGETHER!
I hope you enjoy this video. It’s a little long, but well worth watching. Meanwhile, here’s to learning why the callouses on our feet can be a useful! And hey, future son-in-law, wherever in the world you are right now – YOU’RE WELCOME! Or, I’m sorry, whichever is more applicable!
… that moment your memory is reminded once again that it was “6 years ago” you “remembered” … and how lucky are you to be the luckiest women you’ve ever known, because now you have not one king, but two living safely in your heart, and some women never find one at all …
THE HEART WILL GO ON
Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance and spaces between us you have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime and never let go ’til we’re gone. Love was when I loved you, one true time I’d hold to. In my life we’ll always go on. Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on. Once more you open the door and you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on. You’re here, there’s nothing I fear, and I know that my heart will go on. We’ll stay forever this way. You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on. {Celine Dione}
This morning I was daydreaming and making plans for a future I’m not so much planning as I am visualizing. It’s this thing he taught me to do: “If you want it, SEE IT, then make it happen!” Now, I’m sure some of you may be thinking, “Well, then why the hell didn’t he just SEE himself out his darkness?” Well, unfortunately, mental illness doesn’t work that way, especially when a human mind ends up literally splitting in two.
Zack and I always talked about the little cottage I want so badly, and he vowed to make that happen before my time was done. So, he would make me visualize it until then:
Close your eyes, Catherine. Tell me what you see. Tell me EVERYTHING you want at the cottage.
Then I would close my eyes and tell him:
It will look like a fairy tale … small and cozy … surrounded by trees … covered in climbing ivy with a stone chimney up on top … SURROUNDED BY HYDRANGEAS, YELLOW ROSES, SILVER BELLS AND COCKLE SHELLS …
This morning, while I was daydreaming, I once again closed my eyes and “saw it”. The little cottage that I’m going to have with the climbing ivy, stone chimney, and all my favorite flowers. Then, all was well and my day progressed.
Twenty minutes ago, my doorbell rang. “Who in the world?” When I opened the door, my stomach hit the floor in every best possible way with that all too familiar adrenaline dump I’ve come to know so well during the worst and best moments of my life. It was his florist … the only one he EVER patroned … and his partner in all these flower crimes when it came to knowing how to make me smile … with this beautiful arrangement for ME:
Hi, Cat. These are from Diane. She just wanted you to know we’re all thinking of you constantly.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Dismiss it as just coincidence if you must, but nope, not me, NOT EVER! Never will I fail to heed the signs of life that still flourish in the darkness! To me, it’s serendipity! My husband, my fate, and even God Himself all screaming to me out loud!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I am one hell of a truly blessed woman! Zachariah, not a single one of your years in this realm were in vain. Every gift you gave and dream you dreamt is going to carry on for as long as I’m still on this Earth, because that’s just how it’s supposed to be.
I’m writing this in case I’m gone tomorrow. I’m writing this in case I’ve moved along. There’s something that I hope you’ll remember: That life is not a game, it’s a song. So, take the best parts of me, locked away without the keys, and know that I’m forever by your side. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey. If you’re reading this, I know you’re feeling sorrow. If you’re hearing this, I know you’re probably scared. Just know that all the things you own are borrowed, and all you get to keep is all you’ve shared. So, wipe away the tears for me, know that we’ve made history. Remember no one ever really dies. When the lights go down, know that I am never far away. When the Sun burns out, I’ll be waiting on the brighter side of grey.
THIS PICTURE. I sketched it in my early 20’s using the literal ashes from both my father and His ashtrays. At the time, I had no idea the impact this or any of my 32 Sketches would have on me down the road, yet as I look at them now, I can’t help but notice that although I was in very dark place when they were born, something trapped deep inside me was hopeful. Still … this one! It begs the younger me to stay focused on the very bright future I couldn’t see through the fog, yet was patiently beckoning me all the while.
My disease imprisoned me in dichotomous thinking and held me for ransom in the little boxes inside my mind where I stored all my pain and trauma. Before I put it into remission, I was unable to accept people, situations, emotions, or behaviors as anything other than “good or bad”, “right or wrong”, or “one way or the other”. My entire life was black and white with no room for the grey! I had a defensive view of both the positive and negative qualities of myself and everyone else, and there was no way for my broken psyche to allow anything in between to exist in one cohesive space.
How did this happen?
It’s often been suggested that my “splitting” was the result of severe emotional trauma and psychological abuse from my childhood. I tend to agree. You see, I was raised in a works and deeds based system of love and acceptance. If I was “good”, I was praised, affirmed, and rewarded. If I was “bad“, I was admonished, punished, and rejected. They’d “wash their hands of me” when I screwed up or failed to follow the rules, with zero validation or consideration of my feelings. My mind would “split” as I desperately attempted to shield myself from the constant fear of being abandoned, betrayed, or eviscerated by anyone who claimed to love me. While I don’t believe these traumas were inflicted intentionally, they were real nonetheless, as was the effect they had on my psyche. For years in the wake of not only my broken childhood, but in the wake of my self-inflicted destruction, I felt alone and voiceless, regardless of the people who appeared to be standing beside me. As such, I, myself, attempted suicide on November 8, 1996 and lived to tell about it. But I’ve digressed …
Music has always been an integral part of my mental wealth journey, but one of my favorite bands, Five Finger Death Punch, has been at the forefront of my recovery. Their songs have not only helped identify some of my lost and broken feelings, but also given my former self permission to either cry my feelings to the surface or just yell and scream them out loud! I’d pre-ordered their new album months ago, had been counting the days until release, and was stoked to finally get to listen to it cover to cover while running errands today. Meanwhile, when this song cued up, I had to pull my car into the breakdown lane as the words began cutting me in all the most bittersweet ways. I couldn’t stop the tears and physical heartache, and literally couldn’t breathe. It was one of the most cathartic, fucked up, and beautiful gifts of my life. It was as if he were singing it himself. To me. To her. To Christian. To the very few people he left behind who he ever truly loved and let into his private world. Someday, when it’s time for her to read the letter he wrote but never gave her, I’ll let her hear the song. Knowing God the way I do, when she’s finally able to receive these most alchemical lyrics of both our lives in conjunction with the most impeccable words a secretly dying father could have possibly written to his daughter, they’ll become as significant a part of her healing as they’ve been to mine.
For more than four decades, I lived a black and white existence with no room for the grey I knew I needed but didn’t know how to connect with. The grey is where I found all my truths. As I look back at this picture now, I’m filled with the most unbelievable solace imagineable. It reminds me of just how far I’ve come, that it was always supposed to be this way, and that there’s always a brighter side to all of this bittersweet and beautiful grey.
I’m not gonna lie … it is now my final wish that when it’s time for me to move along, this is the last song I’ll hear as they bid me farewell.
I was at the Social Security office today handling the business that no one ever really wants to handle: “Widowed. Meanwhile, while I was waiting for my number to be called I decided to clean out my wallet because not only was I bored out of my mind, there was no wi-fi there, so, tag, “cleaning out my wallet” was it!
So, guess what I found tucked tucked away in a space in the wallet that I didn’t realize existed? A love note from my husband that he had hidden for me to find! As shocked as I was, I wasn’t really that shocked at all. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do things like this. I have an entire treasure trove of the cards and love notes he would hide for me during our season.
For richer or poorer. For better or worse. In sickness and in health. Until death did us part … and EVEN beyond?
You see, that was just his way. He wanted me to know I was his queen and how grateful he was that it was I, and no one else, who gave him the love, family, and only real home he’d ever had and had been searching for all his life.
He gave me this wallet on Valentine’s Day last year, and looking back I do remember both the referenced back pain and the argument I’d had with my mom. So, he must have hidden it sometime at the end of March. My husband was, indeed, struggling at that point and slowly descending downward, but there were still very clear traces of “him” that existed. Someday, when I’m ready, I’ll go back and revisit “the descent“, but in the meantime …
Yes, I’m a warrior. Yes, I’m “a survivor”. But even warriors cry, and you know what? THAT’S OKAY! What kind of queen would I be without moments like today that I literally cry my eyes out to the point of nausea because I miss my fallen king, who lost his damn mind, and left me all alone on this throne that he gave me with a broken heart and a hurting and traumatized princess? I’d be a pretty heartless one I suppose. One thing I know for sure about myself is that my heart is bigger than the ocean. I’m an empath, to boot, so, yes, sometimes I cry. But then I wipe my tears, straighten my crown, yes, my life must go on! I’m pretty stubborn that way if you haven’t figured it out by now, and also? GOD! Just God. I know He was crying with me this afternoon, and I know he was smiling when I got right back up the way I did! “That’s my girl”, He said, and hopefully so did Zack. I am loved. Still. Always. Eternally.
LIFE MUST GO ON
Sitting alone in the cold of the night. You’re trying to find what you need to survive. You’re so afraid you can’t go on. Left in the silence that tears at your heart. It only reminds you how broken you are. You’ve lost your way, but Hope is not gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. Do you remember and long for the past? When love was eternal, and joy seemed to last? Yesterday. Forever is gone. ‘Cause the Sun always sets. The moon always falls. It feels like the end – just pay no mind at all. Keep rolling. Rolling. Life must go on. It must go on. We have our misfortunes. The darkest of days. We must endure and keep strong. Just look to the morning. The promise awaits. And know that this life must go on.” {Alter Bridge}
… because sometimes a song is all I really need to say everything I need to say. As of the moment I’m writing this, it’s exactly five months to the day that my life took a dive into the abyss. At quarter ’til midnight, I’ll probably have that gut-punch of a flash inside my head that I still can’t seem to shake, but I know that I’ll be okay. I’ll just cycle through the gauntlet and land right back on my feet, just like I do every day, because I’m a Warrior QUEEN with a “ghost gang” of actual angels that ride or die with me always.
With that, my “186th day” prayer tonight is that everyone I love, anyone who’s life I touch, and anyone who is reading these words right now somehow reaches this divinely appointed place called “nirvana” that I have so that they never have to deep dive all alone.
IN THE DEEP
I am still as the moment I hold in my hand. I can’t let go. Here and now, time and space, the illusion so grand. And then I know every breath leads the way. My escape, it is never far when I fall in the deep with You. I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek, let it lift my heavy heart. So alive, every rise, every fall brings me back to where I must go. All that I’ll ever need is this moment to get me by when I fall in the deep. With You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. I’m slowly fading in Your arms. When I fall in the deep, with You I see that Heaven’s never far. Let it wash over me, The Truth I seek. Let it lift my heavy heart. {Alter Bridge}
Today was an important day for me, if not one of the most important decision-making days of not only my life, but my the kids’ lives as well. I won’t go into details of what exactly this decision was, but trust me when I tell you – it was a biggie! As I made the drive from home to downtown Dallas, it was a crisp, cold, insanely beautiful morning with a sky bright blue and clear. Yet, as sure that I was that the decision I was making was the right one, I spent the entire drive there talking out loud to God, my angels, my husband, and pretty much anyone “beyond here” who was listening.
I just need a sign. Someone? Anyone? PLEASE!
I was begging for an answer,
Is this what I’m supposed to do? Is this what Zack would want me to do?
Even after I parked and was headed into the building and up the elevator, I was reaching out to the Cosmos for, “please, just ONE little sign?” STILL CRICKETS! Even so, all was well, because I knew that Zack’s best friend, rock, truest confidant, and the only human man he ever trusted and looked to as a father in all things big or small was already there waiting waiting for me to help guide me through the process. Just his presence alone was enough to set me completely at ease.
When I finally made it to the office where the woman I was meeting with was waiting, I sat down beside Rick and the fun began. By the second hour in, our partnership had commenced, at which point Rick had to leave. Research was being done, calls were being made, and forms being prepared for my signature while I just sat there patiently in my chair watching all the magic. This woman was was literally planning not just my future, but my childrens’.
Meanwhile, as I was gazing around her office at all the “things“, it felt as though I was in my very own world. Then, as I glanced over to a table with a vignette of personal pictures and trinkets she had on display, it happened! The sign I had BEGGED “Them” to show me all but dropped right down from Heaven!A little silver frog with a crown on his head was sitting right before my eyes! I almost came out of my skin! And just like that I was yet again reminded that this God I serve is so faithful.
Do I have to turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red?”
No, Papa, You don’t. You’ve been making a believer out of me since I first realized I was broken, and while I’ve clearly known this all the while, this moment between us was unbelievable. You just keep showing me … and showing UP for me … in all things big and small. I want You to know that I’m thankful for ALL OF THIS, and I know You’re planning to use it for Your glory. Thank you for never letting me down and never letting me go. I love You.
IF THAT’S WHAT IT TAKES
You say you fell out of love with no place to stand. You say your heart’s on the mend from a broken romance. You say you don’t want to trust because it hurts too much. And you think I’d never understand. Tell me what have I got to do to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You say, you don’t need my love but I know it’s a lie. You say I shouldn’t even try. Tell me what have I got to lose to make a believer of you? Do I have turn water into wine? Turn some stones into bread? Do I have to paint my heart across the sky in a blazing shade of red? Do I have to push the Sun into the sea to make you fall in love with me? Oh, if that’s what it takes then let it be. You need me to turn the tide of your ocean. Let me set your heart back into motion. {Clay Crosse}
Her opinion of me is all that matters. Thank God I have this rising phoenix of a daughter to reinforce this truth when life and the careless and clueless people in it try to make me feel like anything less than who I am …
My well-intended and MUCH needed family time on a rare occasion tonight when I could have ALL of my tribe together in one space ended up going down in flames after some abhorrently selfish FORMER “friends” turned clients said these less than impeccable words to me:
You DO KNOW that when you CHOSE to become a real estate agent that THIS is the life you signed up for, don’t you? You need to be working 24/7, nights AND weekends. OUR best interest should come before your own.
(“Anthony & Diane Massa”)
Then, out of the blue, this text from the Mona Lisa showed up and changed everything. She’s right! Zack did used to say, “real estate shouldn’t make you cry”. After reading what she wrote, I actually “heard” him saying it.
I really am Wonder Woman! I am awesome at my job! I do work 24/7, weekdays AND nights, even more so now that I’m a widowed, single mom, and “the man of the house”. I knew exactly what I signed up for when I became a real estate agent, so, ZERO devaluation of me as a person or professional shall there be! It’s unacceptable, gross, and never will I allow someone to speak to me that way again!
With that, I will pick my face up off the ground and start fresh again in the morning. As I lay my head down tonight, though, I am mindful of this most important fact: My kids’ opinions of me is all that matters! Well, their opinions of me and mine! Leave it to a child to fill my empty cup back up with water.
These former “friends” could take a good lesson in how to be impeccable with their Jean-Claude Van DAMN shitty “toy guns“. With that, I drop the words to yet another one of my favorite songs to my beautiful children, who are, indeed, “my reasons”:
I’m not a perfect person. There’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you. And so, I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new … and the reason is you! I’m sorry that I hurt you. It’s something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through … I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears.
First of all, I am sorry that you are struggling this way. And if you truly have no other resources, there are two things I can suggest: Music; “Open forums” such as this. I believe that finding and listening to ALL types of music can often help a person get to the root of what is really eating them up inside and then maybe even empower them to rise above all of it. Music is a way of singing to yourself, saying “love words and thoughts” to yourself, and hey, in certain cases, even SCREAMING TO YOURSELF (and other people or relationships in your life that you may be struggling on the inside but don’t feel comfortable enough to say certain things “out loud or to their face”). Second, these “open forums”, such as Quora, are indeed a good resource. Keep looking for the answers you are searching here and you will perhaps find that not only are you not as alone as you may have originally thought, but, that the vast majority of the population does truly care anout one another and wants to see others stick around. We all need one another … even a bunch of random strangers such as “here”. Take care of yourself friend. Keep the faith. Chin up. You are worth so much more than anything less than the very best thoughts and acts of kindness for YOU!
You’re a sweet little cat just trying to take a nap, just minding your own business and doing “a thing” that makes absolute makes purrfect sense to you. After all, it is the quietest room in a houseful of constant chaos that you often enjoy and participate in, which is why you’re just trying to take the nap.
Meanwhile …
As you hop up on to your favorite spot, you notice that the crazy lady you live with who calls herself your “Ma” has put another bed on your bed, for what reason you just can’t fathom. So, you lay down beside it, and not inside it, because you like the bed under the bed on the bed just fine. Ahh! As you’re just about to drift off, you’re startled by the sound of the crazy lady snapping your picture and chirping in a high-pitched voice:
What are you doing, Good Cat, you silly little girl? Didn’t you see the cozy bed I put there for you to lay in, since I know it’s you’re your favorite spot in the house to nap? Why are you lying BESIDE it and not IN it?
Yes, Ma, I did see the cozy bed that you put here for me to lay in, and while I do so appreciate the gesture, I just want to lay in MY spot, the way I ALWAYS HAVE and ALWAYS WILL, unless or until I decide NOT to do! So, can I please just take my nap now?
LET’S ALL BE LIKE GOOD CAT!
If “the thing” you’re doing works for you and isn’t hurting anyone else, NEVER CHANGE IT unless YOU decide to change it … NOT because someone who thinks they know what’s best for you tries to make you. It’s called autonomy people! We’re entitled to live our lives in the manner that WE decide is best, even if “our thing” makes people uncomfortable.
You know what they say about advice and opinions, right? They’re like assholes, ’cause everybody has them! We ALL get a vote! We ALL get a journey! We ALL get to choose the bed we wanna lay in … good, bad, or somewhere in between … even if that bed makes no sense to anyone.
As for me and Good Cat? Although my heart was in the VERY right place today, THIS Momma Cat needed to stay in her own damn lane and let the princess take her ‘lil cat nap where she wanted to!
What’s great about this “love song” is that you can sing it to yourself whenever you need reminding to never change who you are for the sake of someone else unless you want to. If you’relucky enough to be surrounded by people who love you as you are, be thankful. Not everyone is selfless enough to be allow others to be themselves in their world.
Been there! Done that!
I’ve slept on both sides of this bed. Despite his imperfections and the wretched way he left us, never once during our season did he force or even ask me to change. He loved me as I was, “good Cat, bad Cat, and everywhere in between”, regardless of whether “my things” made sense, and just look who I’ve become!
Now, go take a nap wherever you damn well please, and never change (unless YOU want to)! Someday, someone brave is gonna say a thousand beautiful things about all the ways they feel about you and why “the things” you do made them fall in love with the “island of you”!
NEVER CHANGE
There’s a thousand things I’ve wanted to say but I’ve never been brave. No, I’ve never been brave. And you deserve the whole world. An island to yourself. You’re an island in yourself. And I think its time that I tell you how I feel. This is how I feel. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change, baby. Stay the same, lady. Did I know for so long? Never change. There’s a hundred places I’ve wanted to see. Would you see them with me? Would you see them with me? And I don’t care where we go ”cause you are home. You are my home. And we can stay in cheap hotels. Lets just pay to entertain ourselves. And I get lost when I’m with you. And you’ll hear me say never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I know for so long l? And I’m your man; hear me scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change. And I will take you with me everywhere I go. Pack your bags and leave it baby. I want you to know that loving you is easy. I thought I’d tell you so. And I want you to know: Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? Never change baby. Stay the same lady. Did I move for so long? And I’m your man. Hear me Scream your name daily. Who I’ve known for so long. Never change.” {Picture This}
I wanted to share my response to a Quora submission I recently made. My excitement, however, is NOT about my pride over the staggering amount of “views, shares and comments”. It’s about the fact that SO many people from around the world are talking about it. You know? That very unpopular monster “IT”: Mental Illness. The awareness is spreading and the stigma is being reduced one “real conversation” at a time:
Hellomyfellow Quorans. Please allow me a moment to generally respond toallof your overwhelmingly supportive and reflective comments and say THANK YOU! Although I have, indeed, and will continue to read each and every one of them, because there are only so many hours in the day, time will not permit that. So let me just say this: If there is a general consensus to be made here, it’s that this subject, “mental health”, and more so than that, what appears to be the very muchdecliningmental health of a vast majority of the population, is something onALL our mindsthese days. Rightfully so!Life isn’t as simple as it used to be, and I personally find it to be a rat race more than ever. Sadly, it does appear to be getting harder for even the strongest among us to just “exist”. Especially inasmuch as there isalsothatothergeneral consensus if not “elephant in the room”, that the family system is truly breaking down. (See also, “Nowhere Kids“) To each his own”is NOTalways the best way, to which as a digression I saythis: Whatever your “family” looks like (because, yes, the “modern family picture” has changed),embrace it!If you have a “tribe”, no matter the different walks of life you all arrived from,cherish it! Protect it with all you have!We need each other folks! It is true …just look at this forum we’re all on. Look how this question has banded us all together “like a tribe”. Do you agree?It is highly likely that there aren’t a lot of us on this thread who are educated “medical professionals” with either psychiatric or psychology degrees. From what I can see, we’re all coming together this way with our own very personal, real, andfirst-hand knowledgeof this subject. Call it “mental health awareness”, or, if you’d rather, just call it, “a bunch of broken people banding together to try and find a way eitheroutof our own darknessorto try and find a way tohelp someone else out of theirs!In some circumstances, a forum such as this may bethe ONLYresource someonehasto try and find their way out of whatever Hell they’re living in. If you are on this site, chances are that you’re here becauseyou just want to “know things” so that you can somehow help, too! Inquiring minds typicallyWANTto know andNEEDto know for all the right reasons. We can learn from and feed off one another’s experiences so that we can then take “all of this” out THERE onto our own streets and try to make a difference.Even a TINY change in every our life cycles can make a difference!In my mind, I am nothing more and nothing less than anyone else. Do my life experiences matter? They sure as Hell do! But in the big scheme of things,I’m just so very small.My story? My husband’s story? YOUR stories? They’re but tiny blips on this infinite radar we call life. Small as I may be, I see myself as a pebble.I’m a pebble that’s been dropped in the ocean!Everything I do, think, or say is creating a ripple into a future that I myself may never see. We‘re ALL just pebbles my friends. Beautiful little pebbles with the power to changeEVERYTHINGif we just open our hearts and minds to the “bigger than us” perspective and share it.Thank you all for reading me. I have to be honest right now in saying that, yes, it’s been exactly 171 days since the one true love of my life put a gun to his head and turned my world literally upside down. I have long since made it my purpose with whatever days I am lucky enough to have left here of my own to try to be the BEST damn pebble I can possibly be, because it’s the right thing to do, and also, my kids are watching! All of your words and thoughts here have truly strengthened my faith, hope and spirit, and I am grateful. Imagine that? Thousands of random strangers from thousands of different places just lifted me, a random stranger, even higher out of my darkest hours than I thought was possible. If you are on this forum because you are indeed an “inquiring mind that just wants to know and help”, you’re a rock star and a pebble and my kind of vibe and TRIBE! We can all do this if we just stick together this way. We CAN make a difference. Much love to all of you. ROCK ON! Or is that “pebble on”? Hee!
They say the beat of a butterfly’s wings can set off a storm a world away. What if they’re right and the smallest of things could power the strongest hurricane? What if it all begins inside? We’d hold the key that turns the tide. Just a pebble in the water can set the sea in motion. A simple act of kindness can stir the wildest ocean. If we show a little love. Heaven knows what we could change. So throw a pebble in the water and make a wave. The single choice to take us change. Have reached at your hand to someone in need? Don’t fool yourself and say you can’t. You never know what can grow from just one seed. So come with me and seize the day. This world may never be the same. Just a pebble in the water … can set the sea in motion. {Joe Jonas & Demi Lovato}
My own husband, Zachariah, who I lost to suicide on August 22, 2019. He was the Godsend game changer for me and my two kids, larger than life with a heart of gold, but had been abandoned by the “mother THING” that (not “who”) left him for good at 18 months. While I suppose his father did the best he could with the lack of parenting skills he had, he was then and is still but a child himself, and even managed to leave his son behind in death. Growing up, my husband was left alone frequently from a very young age, and his basic needs were never properly tended to. Eventually, even his siblings discarded him.
The abandonment issues that led to his mental illness were further complicated by the fact that for some unknown reason the “mother” managed to have a maternal relationship with the older siblings she’d had with the same father, just not him. Again, his entire family left him on the proverbial curb of life. Not just the mother, but neither his father or siblings could be bothered with him. His two older brothers would often refer to him as the “Zack of shit”, and although he would laugh about in their presence, those words haunted him incessantly. This heartless, selfish, and shallow brood of people shattered his heart into pieces that could never be fully put back together.
There were demons living in the hole they burned in his soul we fought desperately to keep him from drowning in, but in the end, the demons won. In the last months of his life, it appeared that he was in the early stages of some type of psychosis or schizophrenia. He’d been hearing voices, seeing things that weren’t there, missing blocks of time, and ultimately just vanished completely within himself. He said “he couldn’t feel anything anymore“, and honestly, we lost him MONTHS before he put that gun to his head. It was a living nightmare to witness and the worst kind of heartbreak to suffer. He literally died of a broken heart that led to his mental illness and suicide, but not before he hurt not only me, but even more so our daughter VERY badly. The trauma he visited upon her in his final “separated from self” state of mind is beyond comprehension, and one that may take her a lifetime to heal from.
I’ve been writing tirelessly about not only his, but my mental health journey as well, in “The Diary Of My Perfection“. I’d be honored if any of you would care to read, follow, or share it, as it is now my mission to try and be a Light in other people’s darkness. In the meantime, thank you for the many kind words and support of this post. It means everything to me. I cannot let either his lost battle with mental illness (or anyone else’s for that matter) have been in vain.
Facing yourself in the mirror, day after day, as a fake, a fraud and a murder. Yes, I believe that eating disorders are nothing less than murder attempts of OURSELVES. Please let me explain …
I am in my eighth year of recovery, after 19 years active. I overcame “my dragon” by “overcoming myself”. I had to find my own missing reflection in the mirror, which, was difficult, but I did it. I slayed her. The beast. “My dragon”. She could have killed me by the way, so yes, I was allowing this beast to try and MURDER me! Nothing more. Nothing less. This is something I wrote in May of 2008, the day I started my journey out of the cave she and I were living in. It’s long, but it is me, and it is real: “In The Light“
I sincerely hope this reaches anyone who is struggling with a dragon of their own find the strength and courage to FIGHT! PLEASE, my friends, FIGHT YOUR DRAGON! You can do it. Be strong. Pick up your swords. CUT HER AT THE NECK and walk away. Every single one of you deserves so much better than the DARK cave this thing has you sequestered in. You. Can. Do. This! … Cat (a/k/a “The Dragon Slayer“)
One of my greatest treasures in life is the beautifully cryptic way my son communicates with me, and only me, by sending me “music messages. He’s been doing it since age 16 after I finally left our home in search of a different ending to the story I knew desperately needed to change:
The first song he ever sent me was at age 16, not long after I’d moved out of our family home for the third and final time and just days before I had my nervous breakdown. The song was “Remember Everything” by Five Finger Death Punch, who of course are now my favorite band (and Ivan one of my favorite humans and true friends), but until the moment I got the “text heard ’round the world”, I’d never even heard of them. Lol, and as is par for the course in this Diary, I have once again digressed …
“Mom, I love you, but I need you to know – I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!“
He remembers? Remembers EVERYTHING? What the FUCK have I done to my only son?
His messages come at the most random times, and often in the wee hours of the morning, which is always bittersweet, because as every parent knows, those 3am texts from your kid can invoke momentary nightmares that only a parent can understand. Thanks be to GOD that regardless of the alarm that stops my heart every time I hear his text tone, so far they’ve only ever been his “communication”.
His latest message arrived this morning at the absolute craziest moment, and the instant I got it every ounce of adrenaline in my body dumped right back into my soul in all the most beautiful ways. I was standing at the end of my driveway in an abyss of fog like no other I’d ever seen and had no idea why I’d been so compelled to walk right into and stare at it. As you read in my response to him above:
I wasn’t sure how it was making me feel. Maybe a little lost, but maybe a little not.
Yet something made me want to take the picture, and as seen in the text, as soon as I held the camera up to take the shot, his text arrived. What in the actual HE JUST DID THAT, didn’t He? And no, I don’t mean Christian. It was Him! I just know it! It was God … or maybe Zack … or maybe all of “my people” phoning it in from their perfectly mistaken quarters in the sky. It was “Someone” or “Something” infinitely beyond this place set that ethereal moment up JUSTfor me! The Cosmos was beckoning me with its “message in the fog” music alchemy at that one perfect moment in time because it NEEDED me to plant my feet back on solid ground.
After I took the picture, I stood frozen in that moment and just listened to the words. Yes, it’s dark, and, indeed, somewhat tragic, but oh my GOD is it ever beautiful, and such is the story of my life. Its haunting chords called me right back to the shore like an actual foghorn in the dead of night, and what are the chances something like this would happen for me “out of the grey” just like that?
It’s half past one here in Dallas and the fog is starting to lift. As forlorn as it seemed when it greeted me this morning, I’m almost sad to see it go, because as soon as I received this cryptic message from deep within my son’s heart, it wrapped me in the most comforting blanket that could possibly ever have adorned me.
Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. In the dark bathed in Cathode ray blue, Miss Red Hook of 1922, weeping silently for the pain of others. Every night a tearful rosary, a victim of the curse of empathy. Her reward of compassion is to suffer. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. My short coming, I know I caused her grief. Still, she loves me. This I can’t believe! Responding not with anger but a prayer, Heaven’s just Southwest of Cobbil Hill. True. I am the son of an angel. Maternally, not one woman compares. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes. If you fall, I will catch you. When you’re lost, I’ll be there soon. Far away, but of course near. When you’re sad I am always here. Thank you from saving me from myself. Your compassion became its own hell. Unequivocally Beautiful inside and out. Without a doubt. Nettie, no need to cry. Let me wipe those tear drops from your eyes.
Last night I dreamt about Zack for what seemed like hours, one very real scene after another, but it wasn’t until Gia and I got in the car to go to school that she something that literally knocked the breathe out of me:
She hadn’t seen his face or heard his voice. He’s just been gone. So, what are the chances that he would avail himself to both of us on the very same night in such a truly powerful way? It was no coincidence. It was him … and it was real!
Although she hasn’t told me what the dream was about or the specifics of his presence, I could see she that was even more at peace and relaxed than ever today. Whatever the nature of his visit to her may have been, it was clearly very real to her, as well!
Sooner or later she will “tell me everything”, and I’m beyond thankful for the bond I share with both my kids in this regard. It may be months or even years before she finally does, but it doesn’t really matter, because in this moment all I know is he was here to finally answer my most burning questions and let me know he’s still with me, still watching me, and isn’t not going anywhere.
For the record, he also said:
There’s something coming. Something huge. Something bigger than you can imagine. SOME “ONE”. You’re going to be okay. I love you, Catherine. I always did and always will. I’m sorry I hurt you both … I’m sorry that I left you this way … It wasn’t about you, it was ME … but you’re doing so good and I’m SO proud of you. Just keep doing exactly what you’re doing and believe that everything is going to be okay. Better than okay. I promise.
There were other very specific things he said about my future, all of which are now written on a piece of paper in my nightstand drawer that I will share with the small handful of people who are closest to me as a solid point of reference and accountability to their validity down the road if and when they do actually avail themselves in the manner in which he said.
So, what do you think? Am I crazy? Maybe I am! But hey, it is what it is! I believe in my heart that he’s still walking with me. THEY ALL ARE! My angels will always walk with me and their love is still very much alive. True love never dies … it just “slips into the next room” …
WALK WITH ANGELS
Love is alive – alive like a newborn child. Love is a war – broken and running wild. Love is a thief and it’s stealing our hearts tonight. You give it to me. You’ve given me all I need. You’re all I see. You’re all I wanted to be. Can you take me with you where you walk with angels? Where you walk with angels. Love’s around you now. You walk with angels wherever you are. You walk with angels …” {Aaron Hendra}
... turning up the music, slippin’ on her black dress, saying “you can do this”. Climbing in the front seat, looking out the window, going through the motions, trying just to let go of the tears that she cried, no solid goodbye. Tonight it ain’t gonna show. And even though she knows that it ain’t gonna fix it, she’s putting on her lipstick.
Seriously, people? Is this what’s really happening out there in the “looking for love” world today? Not that I’m looking for love or even to just start dating again at the moment or anytime in the foreseeable future, but I’m getting messages and texts like this on an almost daily basis now, and just woke up to this one. At first I was disgusted, but have since decided to cling tightly to The Four Agreements going forward in this regard:
I’ll be impeccable with my words.
I won’t take anything personally.
I won’t make assumptions.
I’ll do my BEST to navigate through this abundant absurdity in the future.
Especially in that because of what I want to do with my life now, hiding myself away is neither optimal or fair, and I won’t. Putting myself out there for all the right reasons is clearly going to come with a cost. So, with that …
Dear Mr. “LOOK AT ME!”:
I think I speak for many women in my season of life in saying that NOPE, I don’t wanna see your abs. Or your tattoos. Or your ass. Or you at a bar doing shots on a stripper’s stomach, or on a “guy’s trip to Vegas” smoking cigars with some 23 year old on your lap! I don’t care how many times a day you’re at the gym, or how much you bench press, and DON’T need pictures of you “taking pictures of you” at the gym bathroom in your ripped up shirt flexing an arm that is likely steroid injected, which means your testicles prolly look like grapes, so, NO! Me personally? The only abs, arms, ass, chest, tatts, or “LOOK! I’m at the gym!” pics I’ll EVER need to see will be of the man I marry IF Iever marry again.
Presentation is EVERYTHING, so here’s what’ll catch a GOOD woman’s eye …
Tell us what you believe in, what you fight for, and who you pray to AND for. Show us your kids, your mom, grandparents, sisters, brothers, and pets. Show us what you do to make this world a better place. Show us the world through your eyes … your sunrises, sunsets, and rainy nights at home alone. Show us where you travel (but NOT to Vegas with strippers)! And yah, show us a picture of yourself now and then, but with your shirt ON, please! Cover up all that yummy stuff so we can be surprised to find out what we’re REALLY getting someday and that not EVERY random woman has already seen it. Your smile and “presentation” as noted above will do your best advertising and prevent SO many of us from either laughing at you OR throwing up in our mouth.
There have been very few people in my half a century of life who have been worthy of the title “hero”, as that word tends to be overused a bit and I aspire to be “impeccable” with my words. If I don’t mean it, I won’t say it, and “hero” must truly be earned. Anyone who chooses a path that involves walking out the door each day not knowing if they’ll be coming home? Now that would be a hero!
I have long been thankful that I wasn’t born a man, and have prayed incessantly for the men I’ve known and loved. Generally speaking, men are birthed to an existence wherein everything is expected of them. The entire weight of everyone’s world, including the weight of their own, is laden upon their shoulders from the cradle to the actual grave. Whereas, generally speaking, American women have choices. Society now allows us to be whoever we choose to be. Go to college, don’t go to college. Get married, don’t get married. Be a full-time wife and mother, opt to have a career, or both. We aren’t “expected” to be anything other than what we were created for, and yes, there’s a double standard.
I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been handed some pretty rough cards as of late, but guess what? So have we all! Meanwhile, I do have too many options to count as a blessed and extremely privileged woman. Though my future may not be what I was planning 81 days ago, it can still be anything I choose, because you signed up to pay in part for my American dream!
It’s Veteran’s Day 2019, and some of us don’t take our freedom for granted. As a woman who’s often been chastised for my antiquated views on gender roles, today is especially important. I’m an American woman in my American home with an American voice bought and paid for by an American soldier. Please know that you are held in the absolute highest regard on not just this, but every day. Indeed, you have lived “a life of use to others”, and indeed YOU ARE MY HERO!
A Frog married a Butterfly with only two silver bands in a theatre room in Murphy, Texas, then carried her over the threshold of his one-bedroom apartment where they would sleep on a pull-out couch so that her daughter could have the bedroom.
That King sat in a builder’s office for six long hours, driving us all bananas over every intricate detail of how perfect he wanted this house for “his girls”, and specifically so that Gia could have a place for her crew to crash throughout her high school years. He wanted our home to be a place they could all be comfortable, loved, and accepted, with no fear of judgement whatsoever. He wanted her to have everything he never did.
… because The Princess and I have made the decision to stay in this home he built for us until at least she graduates from high school, if not permanently. Part of me is thinking that eventually I’ll just build myself a cottage out back and gift “Williamson Manor” to Christian and his future wife (wherever in the world she may be) so that they can fill it with love, laughter, and as many children as they desire and I can just take it easy out back in a little hut. After all, that’s what a home of this magnitude was built for … “love, laughter, and CHILDREN”! Not only is that what he would have wanted, but he has set us up for nothing but success in the rest of our journey without him. We spoke at length about the pros and cons … “should we stay or should we go” … then finally agreed that if he can still see us (and we believe he can), it would break his heart even more than it did to have to leave us behind in the first place to see us pack up and leave all this behind, too. He worked too hard to give us everything we have, and I won’t let it have been in vain.
NOVEMBER 9, 2019:
As I’m writing this, there’s an upstairs filled with laughter! She’s having her first party, and there are a dozen happy teenagers here feeling comfortable, relaxed, and at home, just how he always wanted.
THIS WAS HIS DREAM FOR HER!
I thought about crying when this epiphany washed over me, but instead I could only smile. I, too, am feeling “comfortable, relaxed and at home” with our daughter in the castle he built us, honoring his legacy, and putting these shattered pieces together in the most beautiful ways I can. I know he’s looking down right now and smiling from ear to ear as he absorbs all the laughter he can surely hear within these palace walls, hopefully taking comfort in seeing a very happy princess and an even more happy and grateful Queen.
Williamson, YOU DID IT! Your dream has come true, despite your multitude of mistakes and all the ways you hurt us. I will remain eternally grateful for and cherish all the things you have given me, and yes, you are still my hero.
I have never understood why some people are lucky enough to be born with the chance that I had, to have this path in life, and why across the world there’s a woman just like me, with the same ability, and the same desires, same work ethic and love for her family … only she sits in a refugee camp, and she has NO voice. She worries about what her children will eat, how to keep them safe, and if they’ll EVER be allowed to return home. I don’t know why this is my life, and that’s hers.
I can’t believe I never knew about this until now and cannot tell you the infinite number of times I’ve had this similar conversation with my so much better, stronger and wiser version of me daughter, who at three years old became the catalyst for everything I’ve become today:
I am here to tell you all that I would, in fact, be dead right now if it wasn’t for this beautiful girl. All it took was one moment in time with her at a Jason’s Deli when she was just over 3 years old. I saw her mimicking me as I was pushing food around my plate, but not really eating it, because I was literally starving myself to DEATH. That was the day that everything I’d ever known to be “real” in my fairy tale world came to a screeching halt as my heart broke in the most incredulous way once and for all and forced me to finally start fighting my way out of the dark and into this Light. It was HER who held the most frightening mirror up to my face of all: ME! She is one of my muses and “whys“.
Yesterday, I saw a post that really punched me in the face. Yes, that pun was intended. It was a super cool canvas rendition of the fight between Rocky and Ivan Drago, and after having thought about it literally all day and night, this is what I’ve come up with …
Gia and I are huge Rocky fans, as was Zack. Rocky IV is my favorite, because in my mind I have always felt it’s been “me against the Devil” in both the brightest and darkest moments of my life, and he’s the one always saying to me, “I MUST BREAK YOU”! Yet, I refuse to let him take me down!
Ironically, one of my favorite songs, “No Easy Way Out”, is from the Rocky IV soundtrack. The Sunday night before he killed himself, it was playing in the car on our way home from the gym. He was crying as he squeezed my hand three times (“I – Love – You”). Five nights later, he was gone. The mask came off and his fight was over. Meanwhile, I’ve listened to this song on repeat the last 62 days, just thinking, reflecting, remembering, and “wanting to know why”. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, does it? Zack’s fighting days are done. He lost. Went down. Tapped out. Still, my fighting days are not done yet, ’cause guess, what people? I’M STILL HERE! Am I bloodied and bruised with black eyes, a fat lip, and some scars that are here for the rest of my lifetime? Absolutely!
I really AM God’s favorite daughter! This “risen to power and grace” divine apostrophe I’ve become is all HIS doing, I just know it. There IS no explanation as to why I, too, haven’t taken the easy way out after of the years of pain and suffering that tried to snuff me out. God just handed me this heavyweight belt I wear for what reason I will never understand. Zero did I earn it … zero do I deserve it … but speaking of great fighters, Jean-Claude Van DAMN I’m honored to have it! It’s the most valuable thing I possess! It cost HIM everything and me NOTHING, other than my completely blind faith in “the process”. Some don’t understand this, and, in fact, may think it’s CRAZY for me to believe in something I can’t see or touch. I can’t see or touch the wind either, but its effects are very real! So, with that, I am Rocky, the devil is Ivan Drago, the God I serve is the referee, and I … am … WINNING!
After my sister’s birthday dinner last night, she wanted to see Joker. We’d both assumed it was just a Batman prequel, and in a roundabout way it was, as it was set in Gotham City and the Wayne’s were front and present. I haven’t been to the movies much lately and was completely uninformed as to the plot, but I’m a “Batgirl” at heart and just went with it.
This was no superhero commentary. Was there a connection? Yes. Yet, within seconds of the opening scene I began to wonder, “Should I stay or should I go?” Every alarm in my psyche was honing in on the fact that it could potentially take me down. He was painting on a mask, but behind his eyes you could clearly see that the road he’d been walking until that moment had cost him the connection to both the outside world and himself. Even still, I was compelled to sit through this six degrees of separated version of not just Zack’s story, but my own and so many others I’ve known.
As we cringed our way through Joker’s “Hell on Earth”, I watched him bring a gun to his head six times, and if that weren’t bad enough, though we’d anticipated him blowing his own brains out in the end, brains indeed were blown out on the screen. Meanwhile, I just sat there … like a wall. I could see my sister panic every time that gun went to his head, and she kept asking if we needed to leave, but I assured her I was okay, because I WAS! I don’t know what in my own “Hell on Earth” this says about me, but actually, I think I do …
Much like Zack, who often felt isolated in even the most crowded spaces, Joker had lost the connection with not just himself, but humanity. He’d been stepped on, overlooked, and bullied by life in general, which led him to a psychological madness that most people couldn’t even fathom. Like The Joker (and so many of us), my husband wore two faces: The “I’m okay” happy one he donned each day while secretly living in a mental prison with “the monster” where he wore the other sick, dark, “tragic truth one” until the day he died.
Perhaps one of the most poignant scenes in the movie found the mentally ill Joker sitting in front of “a system” letting him down, just as everyone he’d ever known had already done, and he said something to the effect of …
Have you even listened to a SINGLE thing I’ve said? All these times I’ve sat in front of you – have you EVER really seen or heard me?
… and such is the story of so many of our lives, then we, too, slip to the void of our own darkness, which is why I think I couldn’t bring myself to leave the one movie I probably shouldn’t have seen in the first place. Last night, while sitting in that theatre like the rock I know I’ve become? I DIDN’T CRUMBLE! I DIDN’T CRY! I only became further convicted in my need to touch as many “Joker’s” lives as possible with whatever time I have left here on this Earth. Self-pity, sorrow, screaming, and “fist shaking” will accomplish ZERO, but “reaching the unreachable” just might.
The Diary Of My Perfection 